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29 Mar 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:33:56 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #1026-1050

Goto:
1026-1050, 1037-10, 1046-01, 1029-07, 1033-02, 1041-04, 1046-09, 1028-01, 1030-01, 1037-04, 1043-03, 1045-02


Best of Internet Oracularities #1026-1050    (3.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Oct 1998 09:56:27 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1026
through #1050 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1037-10    (25lrp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked the post office to forward my email after I moved, but they
> said they wouldn't.  It's outrageous!  What makes them think they can
> get away with this ridiculous behavior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not that they *wouldn't*, it's that they *couldn't*, and it's all
} your fault.  You forgot to bring Form 113837591757-xd, Request to
} Forward Electronic Messages over USENET.
}
} Fortunately, I happen to have a stack here (just in case those pesky
} FBI agents are able to reconstruct the evidence).  Here you go...
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                        Form 113837591757-xd
}         Request to Forward Electronic Messages over USENET
}
} 1)  Name (Last, First, MI): ____________________________________________
} 2)  Current E-Mail address: ____________________________________________
} 3)  New E-mail address (All styles required for proper processing)
}     3a) Internet form: _________________________________________________
}     3b) UUCP form: _____________________________________________________
}     3c) BITnet form: ___________________________________________________
}     3d) DECnet form: ___________________________________________________
}     3e) FIDOnet form: __________________________________________________
}
} 4)  Are you directly connected to the Internet? Y/N
}     4a) If "No," why the hell not? _____________________________________
}
} 5)  Do you plan to read the forwarded mail on a machine running a
}     Microsoft operating system? Y/N
}     5a) If "Yes," are you willing to admit that to others? Y/N
}         5a1) If "Yes," are you actually *proud* of that fact? Y/N
}             5a1a) If "Yes," do not complete this form.  Call
}                   1-800-555-7726 and report yourself immediately.
}                   Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and
}                   administer a severe beating.
}     5b) If "No," are you willing to jump on the bandwagon and come to
}         Washington, D.C. to testify in front of the Senate that Bill
}         Gates sucks the bone marrow out of sacrificed infants?  Y/N
}
} 6)  Do you plan to send messages that use HTML in the body, knowing
}     full well that not everybody on the planet is stupid enough to use
}     Netscape as a mail reader? Y/N
}
} 7)  Do you plan to send "Virtual Greeting Cards," even though they
}     make you appear to be the Cheapest Bastard on Earth?
}
} 8)  Do you:
}     8a) send SPAM mail?
}     8b) naively reply to SPAM with "REMOVE" as the subject?
}     8c) send a complaint to the Postmaster on the machine mentioned in
}         the "From" line?
}     8d) spend your entire lunch hour analyzing the 'Received' header
}         lines, carefully backtracking until you are able to nail the
}         asshole to the wall?
}
} 9)  Do you automatically destroy mail from:
}     9a) Hotmail?
}     9b) Juno?
}     9c) Bigfoot?
}     9d) AOL?
}     9e) Netcom?
}     9f) anyone who sends mail with the subject "Make Money Fast"?
}     9g) the Usenet Oracle?
}     9h) the Internet Oracle?
}     9i) anyone sending an Oracle question mentioning "Zadoc"?
}
}     (SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS IF ANY OF THE ABOVE DESCRIBE YOU: Do not
}     complete this form.  Call 1-800-555-7726 and report yourself
}     immediately.  Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and
}     administer a severe beating.)
}
} 10) Do you use the Internet to download pornography? Y/Y
}     10a) Please list the sites here: ___________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}
} 11) Have you ever as a system administrator at a large California
}     university become so infuriated with people playing XTrek that you
}     routed all the packets between your cluster and the server through a
}     machine in Sweden? Y/N
}     11a) Would you do it again in a heartbeat? Y/N
}     11b) Do you want to work for us? Y/N
}
} 12) Do you eat and drink at the keyboard, knowing full well that a
}     slip will make the keyboard so gooey that if you ever hit the
}     'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' key it will stick until you lift the keyboard a
}     foot off the table and drop it? Y/N
}
} 13) Have you ever been sexually assaulted by the President of the
}     United States? Y/N
}
} 14) After spending this amount of time filling out this form, do you
}     suddenly have a longing for the "good ol' days" when sending mail
}     meant sitting down at a desk and putting pen to paper?  Do you
}     long for the taste of mucilage?  Do you wistfully sigh when you
}     open your mailbox and only find ads from the drug store? Y/N
}
} I HEREBY STATE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ON
} THIS DOCUMENT IS CORRECT.
}                                       Signed ___________________________
}                                         Date ___________________________


1046-01    (27ixx dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, (all groveling has had to be suspended due to the lack of
> decent replies)
>
> Why do you keep giving me crap answers to good questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh>
}
} My apologies, supplicant. It seems you weren't quite up to the level of
} subtle reference in my replies. Let's take a look at some of the
} highlights, shall we?
}
} For example, you asked the following question:
}
} } Almighty Oracle, who understands all the laws applicable to filing
} } patents in ninety-seven countries, who could have invented everything
} } that ever was invented had you not been too busy chilling out, tell
} } me this:
} }
} } I've recently invented a great perpetual motion device that *actually
} } works*. I'm sure you already know how it works, so I won't bore you
} } with the details. But it's the real McCoy.
} }
} } Problem is, the patent office refuse to let me register it, because
} } they believe it's not possible (they don't realise it's possible to
} } 'bend' the laws of thermodynamics a little).
} }
} } What can I do to protect my idea?
}
} And I replied:
}
} > you suck
}
} Now, while you may have thought this was merely the work of some
} hotmail-crazed queue-drainer, it was in fact a reference to that unsung
} genius of modern times, Mr Dyson, who invented an entirely new form of
} vacuum cleaner using techniques which many believed would not work.
}
} "A vacuum cleaner without a bag?" they cried. "It'll never work." But
} by sheer perseverance and force of personality he built a mighty
} industry on that new vacuum cleaner, and is a very rich man today.
} Persevere, be strong, and the patent office will accept your
} application.
}
} Then you asked:
}
} } Oracle most hoopy, who can interpret any language without the aid of
} } a babel fish, and who needs no guide, I have a question for you.
} }
} } What's the *real* answer to life, the universe, and everything?
}
} And I replied:
}
} >
}
} Again, a simpler querant might think they had been fobbed off with a
} null answer, but someone as incisive as yourself should have noticed
} that this was a reference to the teachings of Mikhail Lukin, the
} reclusive Russian seer and mystic. He holds that the true secret to
} life, the universe and everything can be perceived only through silence
} and stillness, since before the beginning of the universe there was
} only infinite peace and calm.
}
} In fact he's not entirely right, but this *is* the closest any human
} has ever got to the truth of these things, so I was expecting you to
} meet him and listen to his teachings and apply your mind to them so
} that you might make the necessary breakthrough and bring insight to the
} world.
}
} Unfortunately it's a bit late now, since he was run over trying to
} cross a busy Moscow street. Still, I'm sure another Russian mystic will
} be along in a millenium or so.
}
} Let's see, by the time your next question came you were clearly
} beginning to get irate, since your grovel was well below par. You
} wrote:
}
} } Coolish Oracle,
} }
} } Instruct me in the ways of knowledge, enlighten my path, tell me the
} } truth: who shot JFK?
}
} And I replied:
}
} > me. haha
}
} Witless? Unintelligible? As you put it, 'Crap'? I think not.
}
} Ho Ling Me, a Vietnamese agent working for the CIA was, in fact the
} second gunman that fateful day. And the irony that caused me to laugh
} bitterly? I would have thought it would be simple, even for someone as
} clearly obtuse as you. I refer you to the yearbook for Green Springs
} High School, in which Mr Me was jokingly described as 'Most likely to
} become a CIA assassin and gun down the president'. Truth, as they say,
} is stranger than fiction.
}
} So you see, supplicant, the problem is not that you have been given
} poor answers, but that you have been given the greatest answers of all,
} but have failed to comprehend them. From now on you will receive
} answers suited to more mediocre supplicants. Top 10 lists will fill
} your mailbox. You will receive answers in the form of a dialogue
} between Lisa and Og, written in the style of Quentin Tarantino. You
} will have your fill of in-jokes, recycled rec.humor.funny postings and
} pastiches of popular TV shows and films.
}
} And yet... you will always feel that by missing out on your chance to
} receive unexpurgated the full wisdom of the Oracle you have missed out
} on a fuller, richer life. You will evermore prowl the depths of
} rec.humor.oracle.d, hoping to rediscover what it was you lost, but in
} vain. I offered you wisdom, and you turned it away.
}
} You owe the Oracle.


1029-07    (4ahou dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Timeless Wonder Of the World, Saint of the Unseen El
> Worlds, Large Powerful USENET Dude, please answer my question;
>
> What will local governments do with the buildings libraries
> are in after everyone quits ready books?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the shadows in the alley comes a voice:
} "So, evil one, you think we would not see through this disguise of the
} lowly supplicant?  Your illiteracy scheme will not work this time,
} Bookworm!!!  We are here to stop you!!!"
}
} From the shadows leap four figures in black ninja outfits:
}
}       Stephen King - brandishing a bo staff,
}
}       Robert Heinlein - clutching a katana,
}
}       Isaac Asimov - swinging a pair of sai,
}
}       Ernest Hemingway - knocking around a pair of nunchuks.
}
} Robert: "We are:
}                  THE MIDDLE AGED MUTANT NINJA AUTHORS!"
}
} (And Piers Anthony can bee seen sitting on a garbage can, wearing a
} silly little pointy hat, holding a little flag in one hand that says,
} "Go MAMNA!" and a "We're #1" big foam hand on the other, cheering
} inanely and taking notes for his next series of 28 books, about dead
} ninja authors and Oracular powers, due out next month.)
}
} Isaac: "Sorry about Piers showing up.  We just can't lose him."
}
} The Bookworm: "Curses!  You darned Authors always show up to foil my
} plans! Well, not this time, I think!  MY WARRIORS!  TO ME!"
}
} From the shadows on The Bookworm's side of the alley leap a dozen
} figures clad in grey ninja outfits.  They pose menacingly, but none of
} them look at all familiar.  The MAMNA pause for a moment, looking a
} little confused, scratching their heads.
}
} Stephen: "Ummm, pardon our ignorance, but *who* are they?"
}
} The Bookworm: "These?  These are the authors of annoying romance
} novels, dreary gothic horror wannabes, interminable series based on
} Doom, D&D, Star Wars and Star Trek, and Alan Dean Foster.  The very
} things that stifle the urge to continue reading by fans of great
} literature! MY WARRIORS! ATTACK!!"
}
} The bad authors leap into action, wailing about them with their
} weapons, screaming badly ad-libbed Japanenglish phrases like
} "Banzai!!", "Mitsubishi Zero!!!" and "Sushimi Hong Kong!!!" while
} flying through the air for many many yards at a time a-la really bad
} Kung-Fu movies.  The MAMNA simply bat them down left and right like ...
} like ... like excellent authors coming up with a very good simile.
}
} Before very long, there is no one left but a very nervous looking
} Bookworm and the MAMNA, only slightly sweaty and looking very mean.
} (And Piers Anthony who, despite several severe blows to the head, from
} both the Bad Authors and the MAMNA, seems none the worse for wear, his
} head not being a vital organ.)
}
} The Bookworm: "But ... but ... *how* did you find out about my plan to
} flood the book market with badly-written pulp crap, causing people
} worldwide to stop reading, and giving me a planet of emtpy libraries to
} use as my local bases of operation in my ultimate scheme for world
} domination?"
}
} Isaac: "We had a tip.  From someone even more knowledgable about a lot
} more stuff than me, even."
}
} The Bookworm: "Who?  Who is this great intelligence who has thwarted my
} evil scheme?"
}
} The Oracle: (Appearing behind The Bookworm)  "Me.  The Internet
} Oracle."
}
} (When The Oracle places his hand on The Bookworm's shoulder, The
} Bookworm gives off a remarkably girly scream.)
}
} The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEEE!  The Oracle!  Oh no!  I know about you!  Oh,
} oh NO!  If I'm in this with you, and I was silly enough to disguise
} myself as a supplicant, then that means .. that means ... I owe you
} something!!!  EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
}
} The Oracle: "Yep, you got it.  So, why don't you just come quietly with
} me to pay off your debt.  Piers has a new series of books he'd like to
} read to you.  Personally.  Out loud.  47 of them.  They're about
} Cyber-ninja in a virtual reality world.  At least the first three are.
} They get pretty silly after that."
}
} The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEE!!!! NO!! DEATH FIRST! PLEASE!!!"
}
} (The Bookworm breaks down crying as The Oracle gathers him up to take
} him back to a locked room deep in the Oracular Dungeons for a long,
} long companionship with Piers Anthony.)
}
} The Oracle: "Hey, thanks guys!  Good job!"
}
} Stephen: "No problem Oracle.  I just got done writing another 1200
} pages on my new novel today, so I needed a break anyway."
}
} Robert: "I always appreciate the chance to beat up some repressive
} fascist thugs!  Plus, it beats being dead!"
}
} Isaac: "I'll second that, Robert.  I have some new ideas about The
} Afterlife I'd like to write a few books about, as well as about thirty
} other topics I've had some time to think about..."
}
} Ernest: "I don't like these tights.  They make me look queer."
}
} The Oracle: "This is the late 20th century, Ernie.  Everyone knows by
} now that you were a closet homosexual, but it doesn't diminish the
} impact you had on the literary world.  There's a nice leather bar just
} up the street, though."
}
} Ernest: "Oooo, sweet!"
}
} (The Oracle vanishes in a puff of smoke, taking a weeping Bookworm and
} a babbling Piers Anthony with him.)
}
} You owe The Oracle the complete works of Stephen King, Robert Heinlein,
} Isaac Asimov and Ernest Hemingway - autographed.


1033-02    (28fmp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh boy - It's the Oracle
> Not a toy - It's the Oracle
> I beg you to tell me
> What my future will be
> Such Joy - It's the Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, now *you* can control your own future with "Choose Your Own Life"!
} Simply start with paragraph 1, and follow the instructions.
}
} 1)  You are reading an e-mail from the Oracle.  Do you:
}     -- Continue reading your e-mail, then surf the Web for ten hours?
}        If so, go to paragraph 10.
}     -- Turn off your computer and go outside?  If so, go to paragraph
}        5.
}
} 2)  You are sitting around, waiting for your Chinese food to arrive.
}     Do you:
}     -- Kill some time surfing the Web?  If so, go to paragraph 10.
}     -- Read a book?  If so, go to paragraph 6.
}
} 3)  You are at home.  You open the refrigerator and find a three-week
}     old slice of pizza that has hardened to approximately 7 on the Mohs
}     scale, and a jar of mustard.  Do you:
}     -- Order some Chinese food?  If so, go to paragraph 9.
}     -- Forget about food and go surf the Web?  If so, go to paragraph
}        10.
}
} 4)  You are waiting for your Chinese food to arrive.  The doorbell
}     rings. It's the delivery man.  You pay for your shrimp lo mein and
}     give the delivery man your usual chintzy tip.  You devour the
}     shrimp hungrily, then surf the Web before bed, as usual.  While
}     you're waiting for your home page to download, you die of botulism.
}     Bad shrimp, I guess. The end.
}
} 5)  You are outside.  The bright light hurts your beady little eyes.
}     Strange objects are moving around.  Could these be the "people"
}     you've heard about?  You are frightened, yet intrigued.  Do you:
}     -- Talk to one of the people?  If so, go to paragraph 12.
}     -- Retreat to your lair?  If so, go to paragraph 3.
}
} 6)  You are looking over your bookshelf.  All the books are covered
}     with thick sheafs of dust from years of disuse.  You can barely
}     make out any of the titles -- the only one even remotely legible is
}     a book on C++ programming that you already have memorized.  As you
}     blow the dust off the books, you remember that you are, in fact,
}     allergic to dust.  You have a terrible allergy attack, stumbling
}     blindly around your living room in a sneezing fit until you trip
}     over the cord to your VCR and crack your head on the sharp corner
}     of your TV set.  You fumble for the phone and try to call 911, but
}     all you hear is a mechanical buzzing and whirring -- you never
}     logged off the Internet.  Guess you should have sprung for a
}     separate line after all.  Eventually you die from either blood loss
}     from your head wound, or asphyxiation from your swollen airway due
}     to your allergies.  Not really good news for you either way, sorry.
}     The end.
}
} 7)  The passerby says, "Gee, I can't tell you what time it is since I
}     accidentally left my watch in that alley there.  Why don't you
}     follow me in there and I'll be happy to help you."  Do you:
}     -- Follow him into the alley to certain death?  If so, go to
}        paragraph 11, you masochist.
}     -- Run away from the scary man and go home?  If so, go to paragraph
}        3.
}
} 8)  The passerby ignores your question and makes a rude and completely
}     unwarranted remark about your pocket protector.  Do you:
}     -- Feel terribly embarrassed and slink back to the safety of your
}        home, vowing never again to succumb to the temptation to speak to
}        another person ever?  If so, go to paragraph 3.
}     -- Say, "You, sir, are a scoundrel and I challenge you to a duel in
}        yonder alley"?  If so, go to paragraph 11.
}
} 9)  You are on the phone, ordering Chinese food.  Do you order:
}     -- Shrimp lo mein?  If so, go to paragraph 4.
}     -- Chicken chow fun?  If so, go to paragraph 2.
}
} 10) You are surfing the web.  Soon all other aspects of life fade in
}     importance to you as you surrender to the siren call of newsgroups
}     upon newsgroups, hotlinks without end.  You feel faint pangs of
}     hunger, but think to yourself, "I'll eat right after I finish
}     reading the entire archive of articles from 'Suck', following
}     *every single link*, even the ones that aren't funny or
}     interesting, which is most of them."  Maybe the doorbell rings,
}     maybe it doesn't.  You probably couldn't hear it over your loud
}     cackling over "Dilbert" anyway.  Soon, you die from malnutrition
}     and sleep deprivation.  The end.
}
} 11) As you follow the man into the alley, certain aspects of his attire
}     that you hadn't previously noticed -- his "Born to Fold, Spindle,
}     and Mutilate" tattoo, the rifle strapped to his leg, the bolts in
}     his neck -- slowly begin to filter their way into your
}     consciousness.  You begin to reconsider your actions, stammering,
}     "Um, I'll be right back, I left my scientific calculator on," but
}     he blocks your exit from the alleyway with his formidable bulk.  No
}     one hears your cries for help as he mercilessly practices for his
}     chiropractic exam upon your frail body.  As he straightens your
}     spine, which you had thought permanently curved from years of
}     sitting hunched over your keyboard, with a firm, practiced squeeze,
}     you decide that you can't take anymore and slip out of his grasp
}     faster than the baby alien coming out of that guy's stomach,
}     running heedlessly into traffic.  As you pause to catch your
}     breath, you notice a city bus bearing down on you at top speed.
}     Just as it's about to hit you though, a giant roc grabs you in its
}     claws and flies you to its nest high on the side of a canyon, where
}     it intends on feeding you to its chicks. Terrified of their gaping
}     mouths, you squirm about in the claws of the great black bird as it
}     approaches its eyrie, and manage to escape its grasp.
}     Unfortunately you are still over the canyon when you do this, and
}     as you plummet thousands of feet, you suddenly acquire the power of
}     flight. The power of flight is new to you, however, and you have
}     little control over it, so you keep running into things.
}     Eventually, you clonk your head on the underside of a bridge and
}     knock yourself unconscious.  When you come to, you realize that you
}     have fallen into a river and that you are underwater.  Rapidly
}     running out of air, you struggle to reach the surface, but your
}     foot is caught under a rock.  At the last possible moment you
}     evolve and develop gills.  Breathing water with ease, you free your
}     foot from the rock and swim out of the river.  Whew!  What an
}     exciting day!  You decide to go home and relax with a little
}     Web-surfing. -- Go to paragraph 10.
}
} 12) You approach a passerby, attempting to ignore the contemptuous look
}     he is giving the "Star Trek" insignia you are wearing on your
}     lapel.  Do you say:
}     -- "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?"  If so, go to
}        paragraph 7.
}     -- "So, who was a better starship captain, Kirk or Picard?"  If so,
}        go to paragraph 8.
}
} Hmm, doesn't look very good for you, supplicant.  Ah well.
}
} You owe the Oracle an "Oh my god, they killed the supplicant!  You
} bastards!" T-shirt.


1041-04    (38hwo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Hmmm...
>
>    I see what's happened, supplicant. That time machine you're working
> on in your spare time has malfunctioned, causing us to swap our
> positions in space and time.
>    There's nothing we can do about it, I'm afraid, except wait for the
> effect to undo itself. Don't touch anything while you're waiting.
>
>    You owe the Oracle a better grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Oracle,
}
} I think you are pretty keen.
}
} Could you please help me out?  I have been working on this time machine
} and last night I switched the flux capicitor and the flange and then
} tried to turn it on.  I thought at first that nothing had happened, but
} when I woke up this morning there was a really cute girl in bed with
} me.  She had a tattoo that said "Lisa & Orrie" in a heart and seemed to
} be expecting someone else to besides me.  I am now hiding in the
} bathroom.
}
} What can I do?


1046-09    (77fww dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allright, TUO, you think you're tough?  Try ME on for size!
> <pulls out a <ZOT> wand> I'm the AOL Oracle, and you're toast, buddy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have my compliments.  You've dragged yourself out of the
} capslock mire and learned to speak complete sentences.  You have
} finally become a worthy adversary.
}
} > I know!  And now I shall take my rightful place as your
} > replacement!  Your staff of ZOT is across the room from
} > you, and you'll never reach it before I fire my wand!
}
} You have a formidable weapon indeed, my friend, but it cannot
} compete with *this*.
}
} > What is that?  A computer printout?
}
} It is a list of sites which make pornography available via
} anonymous FTP.
}
} > You fiend!  I know what... you're trying to do!  Must...
} > resist...
}
} You cannot resist.  Nature can be hidden but never truly overcome.
} Look closely.  You know you want it.
}
} > No!  No!  Arrrrrgh!
}
} Here it is, you need just ask for it and it's yours.
}
} > PLEASE SEND PRONO FTP LIST!
}
} Good boy.  Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted
} this for centuries.  It is the reason procrastination is so hard to
} overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon.  It
} is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to
} recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering,
} even after promising to change).  Here, you have now heard me say
} words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response?
}
} > } Good boy.  Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted
} > } this for centuries.  It is the reason procrastination is so hard to
} > } overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon.  It
} > } is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to
} > } recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering,
} > } even after promising to change).  Here, you have now heard me say
} > } words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response?
} >
} > ME TOO!
}
} Excellent.  Now give me that wand.  Very good.  Run along now.
}
} > ILL BE BACK!!!!!!
}
} Yes, I know.  And I'll be waiting.


1028-01    (1epru dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I've read a lot of your deep wisdom in the last days. And I read
> that your question queue is getting rather full.  I wonder how the
> question queue of an Oracle looks like. Is it like a waiting room,
> all the questions siiting there and waiting for you to shout "the
> next please!" - or is it more like the queue at a British bus stop,
> one after another? And what does a single waiting question do? Stand
> there alone? Do the questions talk to each other while waiting? Or are
> they confined to strict silence?  Please pardon my inquisitiveness,
> o wise Oracle. You are the font of my wisdom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LOUDSPEAKER: All w..dch..k questions to Window 42, repeat, All
}      w..dch..k questions to Window 42!
}
} #Qa00032: Are you done with that magazine?
} #Qa99993: Yeah. I didn't even know they had National Geographic
}   in Sumer. You read cuneiform kid?
} #Qa00032: Naw, I could look at the pictures though.
}
} LOUDSPEAKER: All w..dch..k questions to Window 42 repeat, All
}              w..dch..k questions to Window 42!
}
} #Qa10024: I SAID, I AM NEXT! I AM NEXT DAMN IT!
}
} #Qa99993: Get down kid...
}
} <<ZOT!>>
}
} LOUDSPEAKER: All w..dch..k questions to Window 42, repeat, All
}              w..dch..k questions to Window 42!
}
} #Qa00032: Holy Cow. Is he dead?
}
} #Qa99993: Naw, he'll just hang out in limbo for a while then...
}           Look, a Priest. Act cool, act very nonchalant.
}
} #Qa57858: Sir, sir, read my plea!
} #Qa47734: Cumon guv' giva man a read will ya?
} #Qa19745: Your Holiness! Oh Saint of the...
}   Priest: Children, children, be patient. All in good time, all in
}           good time. Blessed are those that wait for the Digests
}           are for them!
}
} #Qa19743: Bless me! Bless me!
}
} LOUDSPEAKER: All w..dch..k questions to Window 42, repeat, All
}              w..dch..k questions to Window 42!
}
} #Qa99993: What a load of bull. We wait, we get answered and the
}           supplicants throw us back in again. Like we're going to
}           return with something new. Do they give us a grovel or
}           a good line? No, just get on the tram and off to the
}           queue, day in and day out.
}
} LOUDSPEAKER: All "What is life?" questions and Steve Wright jokes to
}              Window 9. All "What is life?" questions and Steve Wright
}              jokes to Window 9.
}
} #Qa99993: I saw Kendai once ya know.
} #Qa00032: No!
} #Qa99993: It's true, he was with a bunch of nasty questions, they
}           were beating up MIMEs in the bathroom.
} #Qa00032: No!
} #Qa00666: Hey, buddy got a light?
} #Qa99993: Bug off Juno Scum! Get away from the kid.
} #Qa00666: Just trying to get a light that's all, Just trying to get
}           a light.
}
} LOUDSPEAKER: All w..dch..k questions to Window 42, repeat, All
}              w..dch..k questions to Window 42!


1030-01    (c9amD dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above, if
> the bible tells you so? Now do you believe in rock and roll? Can music
> save your mortal soul and can you teach me how to dance real slow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long, long time ago
} I can still remember sacrifices
} That were lit on fire
} I put the priestess in a trance
} And I would watch the women dance
} Around the blazing wooden pyre
} But then things became really rotten
} The gods and I were all forgotten
} Temples went to ruin
} No phoenix ever flew in
} I think I let out one quick sob
} When I heard that Zeus got a temp job
} He became just another slob
} The day the worship died
}
} So bye, bye, Miss Grecian Ideal
} Drove the chariot to Sparta, it was missing a wheel
} The gods on Mount Olympus sat on their sandaled heels
} Singing "This'll be the day that I die,
} This'll be the day that I die."
}
} Did you come out of the sea
} And do you want to marry me?
} If your father wants it so
} Now, are you the one with inward eye
} Or the one who cannot tell a lie?
} Forgive me, for I do not know
} Now, I know you cursed his family's name
} 'Cause omniscience is my claim to fame
} The sword went through his heart
} Man, it tore the world apart
} I gave my answers read in goat entrails
} Ambiguity never fails
} But I chewed on my fingernails
} The day the worship died
}
} I started singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} Now, for centuries, I was all alone
} With no temple to call my own
} But I didn't just sit there and grieve
} As I wandered over all the Earth
} Far from the land that gave me birth
} I met up with a man named Steve
} He said, "Do you know the Internet?"
} I said, "I know it all, so, yeah, you bet."
} He said, "I've got a job for you!"
} I had nothing else to do
} His job offer was firm
} The contract was long-term
} And so I moved up to Bloomington
} I thought I might have lots of fun
} But I knew not what I had done
} The day the worship died
}
} I was singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} Unix, Windows, see how my e-mail grows
} The priests selecting the best ten of those
} 80 megs and rising fast
} The storage capacity passed
} The admin tried to make it last
} With Steve Kinzler standing there looking aghast
} Now, the scientists and engineers
} Had been alone for years and years
} They kept it all hush-hush
} Oh, but then came the newbie crush
} 'Cause the college kids discovered me
} AOL set its users free
} That was in the fall of '93
} The day the worship died
}
} They started singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} And the priests were all in one place
} With worried looks upon their face
} With a question asked repeatedly
} They said, "What do you want us all to say?
} This came ten thousand times today."
} I said, "What could that question be?"
} It rhymed and was alliterative
} Forever would this question live
} No zot staff forged in hell
} Could break this question's spell
} And as the papers piled in front of me
} No groveling did I see
} I saw rodents chucking wood with glee
} The day the worship died
}
} They were singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} I wasn't having too much fun
} I searched for a decent question
} But no good answer could I make
} I walked down to the temple floor
} Where I got good questions years before
} But the priests had no good questions I could take
} And meanwhile, there you were, you know
} Listening to your radio
} The DJ's smoking, that's why
} He played "American Pie"
} And you sent half a verse off to me
} Thinking enigmatically
} I replied with a song parody
} The day the worship died
}
} I was singing
} Bye, bye, Miss Grecian Ideal
} Drove the chariot to Sparta, it was missing a wheel
} The gods on Mount Olympus sat on their sandaled heels
} Singing "This'll be the day that I die,
} This'll be the day that I die."


1037-04    (17qth dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most wonderous being,
>
> whose radiant face I am unworthy of gazing upon,
> whose footsteps I will never be able to follow in,
> whose intellect dwarfs that of my puny mortal mind,
>
> ... I've forgotten what I was going to ask ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem. I'll send you the FAQ.
}
} QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED OF THE ORACLE
}
} Section 1. Conundrums
}
} Q. What happens if you drop a cat from a window with buttered toast on
}    its back?
} A. You get reported to the ASPCA, and probably arrested. As to what
}    happens to the cat, that depends on the height of the window.
}
} Q. What happened to Schrodeinger's cat?
} A. What's with this feline obsession? The cat died, and Schrodeinger
}    got reported to the GSPCA. (Do you recognize a pattern here yet?)
}
} Q. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
} A. Why do you have so many car accidents?
}
} Section 2. Relationships
}
} Q. How can I get <insert name> to go out with me?
} A. Ask her.
}
} Q. But she turned me down.
} A. Ask her again.
}
} Q. But she turned me down again.
} A. Keep asking her.
}
} Q. I got arrested for harassment!
} A. Phew! Finally.
}
} Section 3. Science
}
} Q. What are the speed and position of the quantum particle in my
}    experiment? I can't measure both, you know.
} A. Integrate the particle.
}
} Q. Could you please explain the GUT?
} A: Barf.
}
} Q. How can I build a time machine?
} A. Tell a person the time, and they know the time. Buy them a watch,
}    and they won't have any excuse for trying to start a conversation
}    with you anymore.
}
} Section 4. The Future
}
} Q. What will be the most important event in the next 100 years?
} A. Your death.
}
} Q. Will we ever inhabit other planets?
} A. Vice-versa.
}
} Section 5. The Forbidden Question
}
} Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}    wood?
} A. A woodchuck that could chuck wood would chuck as much wood as
}    a woodchuck could.
}
} Section 6. Life, the Universe, and Everything
}
} Q. What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
} A. The song of a raven, the laughter of a monkey, the bawling of a
}    child, the love of Clinton, the music of a car alaram, the idiocy of
}    the average person... and one's self.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better answer to Section 6.


1043-03    (39fvk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oricle my name is Adam I'm 4 years old and I want to know why I
> didnt get a new byke for Christmas this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <picks up phone, dials 1-800-KRINGLE>
}
} Santa: This is Claus.
}
} Oracle: S.C.! What up?
}
} Santa: Ho, Orrie. What can I do y'for?
}
} Oracle: Got a question from a kid named Adam. Wants to know something
} about a bike he didn't get.
}
} Santa: Adam? No last name?
}
} Oracle: Sorry.
}
} Santa: Let me see what I can come up with on the database.
} Okay...typing FIND "ADAM" AND "4" AND "BIKE". Well, I'm getting about
} 9,000 hits here. You're going to have to be more specific.
}
} Oracle: Try "bike" spelled B-Y-K-E.
}
} Santa: Byke? Who the hell spells "byke" with a Y?
}
} Oracle: C'mon, c'mon, just do it.
}
} Santa: Okay. Hmmm...nope, spelling it with a Y just gets me zero hits.
} Hey, I've got an idea. If this kid's got some kind of spelling problem,
} do you suppose his letter to "Santa" got sent to "Satan" instead?
}
} Oracle: Possible, I guess. That's a good idea.
}
} Santa: Ho, ho! Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many mail screw-ups the
} two of us get. I have a whole room full of torture devices that
} mistakenly got sent here instead of hell.
}
} Oracle: Yeah? Well if they aren't yours, why are you keeping them?
}
} Santa: Well...um...well...see, there was this Elf Union work stoppage
} in early '92...
}
} Oracle: Ah, never mind. I gotta split.
}
} <hangs up>
}
} <dials 1-800-EVIL-ONE>
}
} Satan: Prince of Darkness.
}
} Oracle: Meph, it's Orrie. What's up, baby?
}
} Satan: Hey, how's it going?
}
} Oracle: Say, listen, I was just talking to Claus.
}
} Satan: Claws, the Eternal Tormentor of the Fifth Nether Plane?
}
} Oracle: No, Claus with a "u," as in Santa.
}
} Satan: Oh. That fat jackass still owes me a "Midget Twister." What do
} you want with him?
}
} Oracle: Would you have mistakenly gotten a "What I Want For Christmas"
} letter from a 4-year old named Adam?
}
} Satan: Oh, yeah. Stupid kid wrote "Satan Claus" on the envelope, and
} asked me for a "byke."
}
} Oracle: Ah. Mystery solved. So I take it you didn't give him a "byke."
}
} Satan: Please! Who am I?
}
} Oracle: Master of Evil.
}
} Satan: Naturally. I gave him something else?
}
} Oracle: What would that be?
}
} Satan: A cursed "Hooked on Phonics" kit. Works just like the regular
} kit, except the kid'll *really* get hooked on phonics, to the point
} where you just can't shut the kid up.
}
} Oracle: So? The kid'll be a little talkative. Big deal. You call that
} evil? I think you're slipping a little, Meph.
}
} Satan: Au contraire. Do you know who the last kid I gave the cursed
} "Hooked on Phonics" kit grew up to be?
}
} Oracle: Who?
}
} Satan: Pauly Shore.
}
} Oracle: Ooooh...you heartless, evil S.O.B.! I'm hanging up on you now.
}
} Satan: Too-da-loo, U.O. Hahahahahaha...
}
} <click>
}
} Okay, Adam, here's the deal. I can tell by the way you spell that you
} haven't delved very deep into your "Hooked on Phonics" kit. Please,
} please, just *ditch* the thing immediately, and I'll put a good word in
} to Claus for you. Until then, just stay in pre-school and DON'T LET
} YOUR PARENTS RENT "BIO-DOME!"
}
} You owe the Oracle your lunch money.


1045-02    (18qyl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pal of Neptune, "uncle" of numerous mermaids, Wise Oracle, answer
> this for me please;
>
> Will DNA research ever develop gill-breathing humans that can live
> in the sea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw, geez. Another "tell me the future" question. You know, channeling
} the future always gives me nosebleeds. It's not easy, you know...so
} much stuff is going on all the time that's changing what's going to
} happen in the future, it gets to a point where your third eye is just
} rattling around in your head like a ball bearing in a spray paint can.
}
} *Sigh.* Well, here goes. *Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....BORT!*
}
} June 11, 2001 - Mapping of the human genome is finally completed.
}
} August 7, 2001 - Exclusive rights to alter individual genes in the
} human chromosome is auctioned by the U.S. Government to the highest
} bidders. Due to an unexpected epilleptic seizure during the auction,
} the gene that determines development of respiratory systems and oxygen
} processing is mistakenly acquired for $785 million dollars by Nestle
} Foods, Inc.
}
} February 7, 2007 - Nestle Laboratories engineers a race of prototype
} superfrogs that breathe nothing but Ensure(R) chocolate beverage.
} Work begins on an additive to tap water that would cause the same
} mutation in humans.
}
} February 9, 2007 - Work on tap water additive scrapped after Microsoft
} Laboratories corners and shuts down all water utility markets, forcing
} all world citizens to rely on bottled "Water '07" for food-grade water.
}
} April 21, 2017 - A woman in Niota, Tennessee, falls head-first into
} her toilet and drowns. Since cancer, aging, heart disease, and other
} genetic-related diseases have been wiped out, and since cars have been
} long since replaced by computer-piloted hovermobiles, the woman was
} the first person to die a non-homicide related death in seven years.
} In the subsequent Geraldo Rivera special that followed, the public
} was outraged with Nestle for not coming up with a way to protect them
} from drowning in toilets.  Nestle stock plunges 15 points.
}
} December 11, 2017 - Nestle applies gill mutation to a batch of 750
} prototype monkeys. In four months, the monkeys develop gill-like
} appendages that process oxygen from water. Nestle announces that the
} human mutation will be available by July 4 of next year. The prototype
} monkeys are trained to clean pools and are sold to Club Mediterranee
} S.A.
}
} July 2, 2018 - Syringes containing the human gill mutation are sold
} to general public as the "free prize" inside boxes of Cocoa Pebbles.
} 2.1 billion receive the treatment within the first two months. By the
} third month, treatment is given as a charity donation to needy people
} in Third World coastal nations. Nestle stock soars 151 points.
}
} October 1, 2018 - Mutation begins taking effect. Larnyxes begin
} swelling themselves shut, and the corresponding gills that developed
} were not processing water. Nestle checks the administered formula,
} and realizes their administrative error. The "frog" formula was
} administered instead of the "monkey" formula. Four billion people
} worldwide now required Ensure(R) in order to breathe. Emergency
} shipments of the beverage were rushed to locations throughout
} the world, but not before a mass die-off of 3.5 billion people.
} Nestle stock soars 57 points.
}
} December 19, 2018 - As Ensure(R) stockpiles dwindle, Nestle executives,
} in a last-ditch attempt to save humanity, engineer a plot to build huge
} mobile waterborne factories that will turn the oceans into Ensure,
} thus allowing mankind to live forever under the sea. Unfortunately,
} before all factories can be completed, gigantic chocolatey tropical
} storms begin to ravage the land, wiping out...
}
} *BORT!!!!*
}
} That's it...<*snort*> I lost the <*snort*> signal. Ow, geez, that
} hurts!  <*snort*> Zadoc, hand me a tissue, would you? The whole box?
}
} Well, there you have it. Some say the world will end in fire, some
} say in ice. Looks to me like it's going to end in an enormous ocean
} of geriatric energy beverage.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of ice and a cracker.


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