} Yes, now *you* can control your own future with "Choose Your Own Life"!
} Simply start with paragraph 1, and follow the instructions.
} 1) You are reading an e-mail from the Oracle. Do you:
} -- Continue reading your e-mail, then surf the Web for ten hours?
} If so, go to paragraph 10.
} -- Turn off your computer and go outside? If so, go to paragraph
} 2) You are sitting around, waiting for your Chinese food to arrive.
} Do you:
} -- Kill some time surfing the Web? If so, go to paragraph 10.
} -- Read a book? If so, go to paragraph 6.
} 3) You are at home. You open the refrigerator and find a three-week
} old slice of pizza that has hardened to approximately 7 on the Mohs
} scale, and a jar of mustard. Do you:
} -- Order some Chinese food? If so, go to paragraph 9.
} -- Forget about food and go surf the Web? If so, go to paragraph
} 4) You are waiting for your Chinese food to arrive. The doorbell
} rings. It's the delivery man. You pay for your shrimp lo mein and
} give the delivery man your usual chintzy tip. You devour the
} shrimp hungrily, then surf the Web before bed, as usual. While
} you're waiting for your home page to download, you die of botulism.
} Bad shrimp, I guess. The end.
} 5) You are outside. The bright light hurts your beady little eyes.
} Strange objects are moving around. Could these be the "people"
} you've heard about? You are frightened, yet intrigued. Do you:
} -- Talk to one of the people? If so, go to paragraph 12.
} -- Retreat to your lair? If so, go to paragraph 3.
} 6) You are looking over your bookshelf. All the books are covered
} with thick sheafs of dust from years of disuse. You can barely
} make out any of the titles -- the only one even remotely legible is
} a book on C++ programming that you already have memorized. As you
} blow the dust off the books, you remember that you are, in fact,
} allergic to dust. You have a terrible allergy attack, stumbling
} blindly around your living room in a sneezing fit until you trip
} over the cord to your VCR and crack your head on the sharp corner
} of your TV set. You fumble for the phone and try to call 911, but
} all you hear is a mechanical buzzing and whirring -- you never
} logged off the Internet. Guess you should have sprung for a
} separate line after all. Eventually you die from either blood loss
} from your head wound, or asphyxiation from your swollen airway due
} to your allergies. Not really good news for you either way, sorry.
} The end.
} 7) The passerby says, "Gee, I can't tell you what time it is since I
} accidentally left my watch in that alley there. Why don't you
} follow me in there and I'll be happy to help you." Do you:
} -- Follow him into the alley to certain death? If so, go to
} paragraph 11, you masochist.
} -- Run away from the scary man and go home? If so, go to paragraph
} 8) The passerby ignores your question and makes a rude and completely
} unwarranted remark about your pocket protector. Do you:
} -- Feel terribly embarrassed and slink back to the safety of your
} home, vowing never again to succumb to the temptation to speak to
} another person ever? If so, go to paragraph 3.
} -- Say, "You, sir, are a scoundrel and I challenge you to a duel in
} yonder alley"? If so, go to paragraph 11.
} 9) You are on the phone, ordering Chinese food. Do you order:
} -- Shrimp lo mein? If so, go to paragraph 4.
} -- Chicken chow fun? If so, go to paragraph 2.
} 10) You are surfing the web. Soon all other aspects of life fade in
} importance to you as you surrender to the siren call of newsgroups
} upon newsgroups, hotlinks without end. You feel faint pangs of
} hunger, but think to yourself, "I'll eat right after I finish
} reading the entire archive of articles from 'Suck', following
} *every single link*, even the ones that aren't funny or
} interesting, which is most of them." Maybe the doorbell rings,
} maybe it doesn't. You probably couldn't hear it over your loud
} cackling over "Dilbert" anyway. Soon, you die from malnutrition
} and sleep deprivation. The end.
} 11) As you follow the man into the alley, certain aspects of his attire
} that you hadn't previously noticed -- his "Born to Fold, Spindle,
} and Mutilate" tattoo, the rifle strapped to his leg, the bolts in
} his neck -- slowly begin to filter their way into your
} consciousness. You begin to reconsider your actions, stammering,
} "Um, I'll be right back, I left my scientific calculator on," but
} he blocks your exit from the alleyway with his formidable bulk. No
} one hears your cries for help as he mercilessly practices for his
} chiropractic exam upon your frail body. As he straightens your
} spine, which you had thought permanently curved from years of
} sitting hunched over your keyboard, with a firm, practiced squeeze,
} you decide that you can't take anymore and slip out of his grasp
} faster than the baby alien coming out of that guy's stomach,
} running heedlessly into traffic. As you pause to catch your
} breath, you notice a city bus bearing down on you at top speed.
} Just as it's about to hit you though, a giant roc grabs you in its
} claws and flies you to its nest high on the side of a canyon, where
} it intends on feeding you to its chicks. Terrified of their gaping
} mouths, you squirm about in the claws of the great black bird as it
} approaches its eyrie, and manage to escape its grasp.
} Unfortunately you are still over the canyon when you do this, and
} as you plummet thousands of feet, you suddenly acquire the power of
} flight. The power of flight is new to you, however, and you have
} little control over it, so you keep running into things.
} Eventually, you clonk your head on the underside of a bridge and
} knock yourself unconscious. When you come to, you realize that you
} have fallen into a river and that you are underwater. Rapidly
} running out of air, you struggle to reach the surface, but your
} foot is caught under a rock. At the last possible moment you
} evolve and develop gills. Breathing water with ease, you free your
} foot from the rock and swim out of the river. Whew! What an
} exciting day! You decide to go home and relax with a little
} Web-surfing. -- Go to paragraph 10.
} 12) You approach a passerby, attempting to ignore the contemptuous look
} he is giving the "Star Trek" insignia you are wearing on your
} lapel. Do you say:
} -- "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" If so, go to
} paragraph 7.
} -- "So, who was a better starship captain, Kirk or Picard?" If so,
} go to paragraph 8.
} Hmm, doesn't look very good for you, supplicant. Ah well.
} You owe the Oracle an "Oh my god, they killed the supplicant! You
} bastards!" T-shirt.