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Best of Internet Oracularities #1251-1275

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1251-1275, 1260-03, 1260-06, 1266-06, 1269-09, 1272-10, 1262-07, 1266-05, 1263-02, 1268-02, 1271-07


Best of Internet Oracularities #1251-1275    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 23 Aug 2002 15:25:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1251 through #1275 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1260-03    (21ajp dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Must all palindromes make sense, esne sekam semord,
> nilap llats um?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've asked my palindrome pal BOB here to help us answer your
} concern. . .
}
} Orrie: Bob, this year 2002 is itself a palindrome. What
}        could we buy to celebrate this year?
} BOB:   RACE CAR
}
} Orrie: What kind?
} BOB:   A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA.
}
} Orrie: Any special reason?
} BOB:   A TOYOTA: RACE FAST, SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA.
}
} Orrie: Hmm, What if we can't afford a Toyota?
} BOB:   BORROW OR ROB.
}
} Orrie: Loki has a Toyota, didn't pay for it though...
} BOB:   HE WON A TOYOTA NOW, EH?
}
} Orrie: Stole it actually.
} BOB:   LIVE NOT ON EVIL DEED, LIVE NOT ON EVIL.
}
} Orrie: Erm, you just said to ROB though Bob. . .
} BOB:   REPEL EVIL AS A LIVE LEPER.
}
} Orrie: Words to live by, Bob, though unfortunately you may
}        find yourself wiser, sadder and poorer for it.
} BOB:   SAD? I'M MIDAS!
}
} Orrie: Really? I thought...
} BOB:   PART OF U.S. IS UFO TRAP.
}
} Orrie: Okay. Well, Erm, thanks for stopping by.
} BOB:   XERXES WAS STUNNED! EDEN NUTS SAW SEX, REX!
}
} Orrie: Zadoc! Can you get in here? And bring a net.
} BOB:   YO! BREED DEER, BOY!
}
} Orrie: And bring a few priests along too.
} BOB:   STOP! MURDER US NOT, TONSURED RUMPOTS!
}
} Orrie: And maybe a Priestess or two as well.
} BOB:   SENILE FELINES.
}
} Orrie: Why, oh why do I get myself into these messes?
} BOB:   MR. OWL ATE MY METAL WORM.
}
} Orrie. Hmm. . . mmH.


1260-06    (24ajm dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, he that is so helpful that he can propel little
> old ladies across the road with his merest glance:
>
> Help!  I think I've accidentally cloned myself, and I need your wise
> advice on how to tidy up the mess before anyone finds out.  Most
> specifically if I shoot my clone, will it be murder or suicide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't the Oracle just answer this for you. . .
}
} Oh. Wait I minute.
}
} Erm, you might want to go into hiding like RIGHT NOW.


1266-06    (14akm dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most circular oracle,
>
> My palms are in prayer to thee......
>
> What is time management?
> How can I manage my time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    .>> Time Management -- A Brief History <<.
}
} Back at the dawn of human civilization Time Management
} was easy. They had but one unit of time. The Day.
}
} [ A cave in what is now southern Germany. A huge browed
}   man steps out of the cave and shakes a spiky club at
}   the dawn on the eastern horizon. ]
}
} Og: SUN UP!
}
} [ From inside a female voice is heard. ]
}
} Ogwa: Go kill Mam-OTH. Back sun down.
}
} Og: Og look sun! Back sun down.
}
}                    .>>--<<.
}
} Then the Babylonians went and invented months and years
} and hours and minutes and the long forgotten splortple.
} No longer could just anyone manage time. A priestly
} class evolved.
}
} [ High atop a ziggurat sits a blue squat temple in it
}   sit two very high priests. ]
}
} EonD'AViZ: Dude, this is some good bud. Oh wow, look
}            at the calendar. Tomorrow we gotta go out
}            and tell those grubby peasants to plant
}            more squash.
}
} ArkM'ages: Dude.
}
}                     .>>--<<.
}
} Time marched on, managed all the while, especially by
} the Romans that whipped time into submission with calends
} and ides and drips of water and dropping sands. And all
} was good. But with the Dark Ages time got loose and ran
} rampant for who knows how long, for time had gone feral,
} expect for small domestic bits of time keep in monasteries
} by tonsured monks.
}
} [ A dreary, muddy, festering medieval village market. A
}   smelly peasant is trying to sell a young monk a goat's
}   head on a stick. ]
}
} Monk: Yuck. How long has ye goat been dead?
}
} Peasant: Every since it's head fell off.
}
} Monk; True, but say when did that happen?
}
} Peasant: When it died.
}
} Monk: Verily, but did that happen yesterday, or last
}       fortnight, or two months ago or what?
}
} Peasant: When I struck it with yon axe.
}
} Monk: Give me strength!
}
}                      .>>--<<.
}
} It wasn't until The Industrial Revolution that time was
} brought back into line.
}
} [ A slum in what is now southern England. A huge browed
}   man steps out of his hovel and shakes a hairy fist at
}   howling factory whistle in the distance. ]
}
} Mr. O'G: My shift it be a startin'.
}
} [ From inside a female voice is heard. ]
}
} Ms. O'G: Go to work then already. And don't be a stoppin'
}          at the pub on the way home.
}
} Mr. O'G: Aye, I'll be back.
}
}                      .>>--<<.
}
} Now a days time is divided into nanoseconds and CPU cycles
} and highly valuable prime time and the dreaded down time
} and things have to be done in no time and near black holes
} and at high speeds time gets all kind of elastic like the
} bands at the top of Rosie O'Donnell's sweat pants and only
} highly trained geeks and keep track of it all.
}
} [ A sub-basement in a dreary University in the middle of
}   some dull state on the edge of The Great Plains. ]
}
} Admin #1: Dude, check out my desktop countdown clock
}           keeping track of the days until "The Two
}           Towers" comes out.
}
} Admin #2: Righteous, like but I hacked emacs to show
}           that -plus- the Mayan Long Count.
}
} Admin #1: Dude.
}
}                       .>>--<<.
}
} What will the future hold for time? Only time can tell,
} and it's not talking. Yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Felix the Cat wall clock.


1269-09    (13aoh dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that carrots will let you see in the dark?  I need
> to see in the dark so I can check up on my husband.  I think
> he's doing things in the dark.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, carrots will help you see in the dark.  Simply gather the
} following items:
}
} - One large carrot (raw)
} - One hamster wheel
} - One rodent (*)
} - Large thin elastic band
} - One bicycle dynamo
} - Two lengths of plastic coated wire
} - One low-voltage light bulb
}
} And assemble according to the diagram below:
}
}                    =========    Wheel  \    _
}   Elastic        // \      /\\+ rodent  \||/ \
}    band     __--//   \    /  \\ /        \/
}       \ __--   //     \  /    \\        /  \
}     __--      ||______ o_______||       |- |
}    /  \       || \  __/_\_O  O ||       | -|  Carrot
}   /\__/____    \\ \/ /   \ oo  //       |  |   lure
}  /      \   --__\\ \/____/\>o<//        |- |
} | Dynamo |       \\//|  /| \ //         | -|
} |________|         ==========            \/
}    \   \                 ____
}     \   \____       __|_/    \
}      \       ------|__|_ bulb |
}       \_____________/ | \____/
}      /
}  Wires
}
} (*) If you have trouble finding a suitable rodent, it sounds like your
}     husband may be a suitable substitute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a w**dch*ck powered furnace.


1272-10    (02emg dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@artlogix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose toenail clippings contains more knowledge than I
> could ever dream to aquire, please aid me.
>
> My wife and I are about to buy our first house, but how will we know
> when we find the *right* house?  I mean, this isn't a choice to make
> lightly; these days so many house purchases end in early sales or
> defaulted mortgages.  I've liked lots of houses before, and this one
> seems great - the best so far. Does that mean it's right for us?  We
> don't want to end up trapped with the wrong house for the rest of our
> lives (or at least the next 10 years).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when
} you go to settlement on your new home:
}
} 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's
}     garden."
}
} 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the
}     ancient Indian burial ground."
}
} 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but
}     I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet
}     of it."
}
} 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
}
} 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not
}     'killer' bees."
}
} 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it
}     would reach as far back as your property."
}
} 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the
}     presence of radioactivity."
}
} 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice
}     sessions right next door?"
}
} 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never
}     actually able to prove it was murder."
}
} 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."


1262-07    (258pj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dandy Oracle, he who is thousands of orders of
> magnitude better than Slim Jims:
>
> Suppose you are in a room with two windows and one door.
> The windows have iron bars 2 inches apart on them. The door
> is securely bolted from the outside. There are two tables,
> a newspaper, and a lamp in the room. How do you get out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a nondescript room.  There are windows in the east and west
} walls, and a door on the north wall.  There is a small table, and a
} large table here.  On the small table rests a newspaper, and a lamp
} burns brightly on the large table
}
} >N
}
} The north door is bolted from the outside
}
} >X north door
}
} The north door is made of some sort of metal, and rests flush with the
} wall. The hinges must be on the other side.
}
} >X window
}
} Which window do you mean, the east window, or the west window?
}
} >west window
}
} The west window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches
} apart.
}
} >X east window
}
} The east window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches
} apart.
}
} >bend bars
}
} I don't know how to bend the bars
}
} >break bars
}
} What do you want to break the bars with?
}
} >with fists
}
} You pound against the metal bars, but only succeed in bruising
} yourself.
}
} >burn newspaper
}
} You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper!
}
} >break bars with lamp
}
} You can't seem to do that.
}
} >break bars with newspaper
}
} You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper!
}
} >break door with bars
}
} You can't seem to do that.
}
} >help
}
} FLY v1.1
} By Rybread Celsius
} (c)2001
} All rights reserved
} Give me a beer
}
} welcome to the world of the housefly.  In this simulation of a common
} housefly, you will experience what it'slike to be in a boring static
} environment... but as a FLY!  your goal is to leave the room, good
} luck!
}
} >Fly out window
}
} You fly out the window
}
} Your score goes up by 100 pointys
}
} *** CONGRATULATIONS ***
}
} You have  won the game, with 100 pointys!
}
} Look for more Rybread Celcius games, available at ftp.gmd.de/ifarchive.
}
} (R)esart, (R)estore, o(R)Quit?
}
} You owe the Oracle two years of archives of rec.arts.int-fiction.


1266-05    (04hgk dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most superior and pappy,
>
> Why do women want fake breasts anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To impress fake men.


1263-02    (089oc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Are dung beetles magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
}   > X dung beetle
}
}   The dung beetle is approximately 1/2 cm. long and a mottled brown in
}   color.  It is perched on a small ball of hyena dung.
}
}   > Pick up dung beetle
}
}   Taken.
}
}   > Turn over dung beetle
}
}   The dung beetle is now upside down.  Its legs are waving frantically
}   in the air, and the ball of hyena dung has fallen on your shirt.  One
}   of the dung beetle's front legs seems slightly longer than the others.
}
}   > X dung beetle with magnifying glass
}
}   Through the glass, you can see that the dung beetle is holding a tiny
}   magic wand.
}
}   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle
}
}   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold.
}
}   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle with tweezers
}
}   The dung beetle struggles mightily, but with your superior strength
}   you wrest the wand from its grasp.
}
}   > Wave tiny magic wand
}
}   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold.
}
}   > Wave tiny magic wand with tweezers
}
}   You are buried in hyena dung.
}
} Yes, it looks like the dung beetle had all the magic it needed.


1268-02    (13gkd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose brain is so large the finding hats to fit is a chore...
>
> What's your IQ ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My IQ is the ratio of my mental age to my chronological age, multiplied
} by one hundred and then rounded to the nearest integer.
}
} Chronologically, I'm approximately three million years old, as my
} embryonic essence was created with the first glimmer of consciousness
} in the human mind. However, as I have all knowledge that currently
} exists anywhere that is anyplace, my mental age is approximately
} fourteen billion years, the age of the universe. As a result, my IQ is
} 4721.
}
} You might find it easier to fathom this if I place it in comparison:
}
} God: [that little sideways eight symbol that those of us In The Know
}       like to call a lemniscate]
}
} The Usenet Oracle: 4721
}
} Deep Thought: 3000
}
} Garha'xt Vendleheim (You don't know him. He's this guy from the west
}  second spiral arm that I sometimes play checkers with.): 1680
}
} Those Big-Headed Aliens From Star Trek: 600
}
} The Oracle's Little Finger (left): 210
}
} Albert Einstein: 169
}
} Lisa: 152
}
} An Average Oracular Priest: 140
}
} An Average Digested Supplicant: 128
}
} George Burns: 119
}
} Homer (the Greek one): 110
}
} Benjamin Garret, 43 Evergreen St, Fox Hollow, NC: 100
}
} Lassie: 93
}
} Brittany Spears: 81
}
} Zadok: 76
}
} Timmy Martin (owner of Lassie): 62
}
} Homer (the other one): 43
}
} An Average Hotmail Supplicant: 36
}
} The Oracle's Toenail Clippings: 24
}
} A Piece of Wood: 3
}
} You owe the Oracle a new scale. It's embarrassing to appear on the same
} list as some of these people.


1271-07    (14eje dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is it too late to learn to play the piano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Goodness no! And thank heavens you're here. The piano
} called in sick and the curtain rises in an hour. Here
} are your lines, they mercifully short. In act four the
} main character will tickle your ivories randomly as his
} wife tells him he has lost his will and direction in
} life. All you have to do is make random piano sounds.
} DO NOT ham it up with 'Chopsticks' or the like, it's
} suppose to be random to reflect his random nature, get
} it? Other than that you just sit there looking grand.
}
} You owe the Oracle your autograph.


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