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1276-1300, 1278-03, 1296-10, 1297-10, 1277-02, 1282-08, 1287-04, 1298-10, 1278-02, 1281-04, 1285-10, 1286-07, 1289-03, 1290-03, 1290-10, 1292-09, 1294-08, 1299-08

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle who is really smart. > > How many vacation days does Bush get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strangely enough, the more important you are, the less vital } it is that you actually be in the office.  Let us examine the } relationship between status and necessity... } } MAILBOY:  Has to be on the ball every minute of every day or } the whole firm will shut down due to lack of mail. } Status:  Nil. } Necessity:  Supreme. } } CLERK:  Has to come in to work every day.  Without him, numbers } are wrong, and at each level above him (and there are many) the } errors will multiply. } Status:  Minimal } Necessity:  Very high } } SUPERVISOR:  Comes in to work every day, but can shag off early } on a Thursday afternoon without much problem.  Is really only } needed weekly to check CLERK's work. } Status:  Marginal } Necessity:  High } } MANAGER:  Comes in to work nearly every day, but spends most of } the time canoodling with secretary (equiv. to STOCKBOY).  Only } function is to be fired when a sacrificial goat is necessary, } without disturbing the people who actually work. } Status:  High } Necessity:  Marginal } } VP:  May or may not come in to work.  Will not be missed.  Only } function is to tell CEO what MANAGER is up to, and to be fired } when accounting irregularities arise, but CEO is saving MANAGER's } firing for another scandal. } Status:  Very high } Necessity: Minimal } } CEO:  Usually doesn't come in to work.  Usually out at trade shows } or "high-level negotiations" at the golf course.  Primary function } is to be the public face of the company, but is usually old, bald, } fat, and unpleasant; you do the math. } Status:  Supreme } Necessity:  Nil } } PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:  Leader of the free } world.  Problem is, it's the (ahem) *FREE* world, which does best } when left alone and not bothered.  Every day PRESIDENT comes in } to the office, the free world is interfered with, so negative } progress is made.  Experts pray for PRESIDENT to take more } vacations. } Status:  Awe-inspiring } Necessity:  Negative } } So, the answer to your question about how many vacation days } President Bush gets: }     NOT ENOUGH } } You owe the Oracle five (5) paid days off.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ye great Oracle, master of the world, nay, the universe... > > How shall I repair this sword?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah! Here, take this. Haven't you heard, "The pen is mightier than } the sword!" } }              ------------------------- } } 'There are Orcs out there' said Gandalf `And a great cave-troll!" } } 'They will pay for disturbing the rest of Balin,' said Aragorn } grimly feeling the edge of his pen, Bic, Ballpoint of the West. } } And like a storm in burst the Cave Troll, and forward leapt } Aragorn and with his pen he wrote a Great Flame chocked full } of Hateful Words of Lore on the arm of the Cave Troll, phrases } of great infliction, cunningly crafted they pointed out the Cave } Troll's many failings, his inability to think his way out of a } wet parchment bag. And worse! } } The Cave Troll paused and held up its arm, huge as a beam, so it } could view the words The Pen of Aragorn had written there. But, } alas the Cave Troll was as illiterate as he was strong and the } words effected him not. Down came the troll's arm and with it a } hammer as big as two fattened oxen. And so ended the life of the } heir of Islidur. } }                 ------------------------ } } Oracle: Oops. Sorry about that.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle! Look at this! If you use a monospaced font to >  view your email, then the lines in this question line up! >  Of course, if you do not then you lose the effect. Also I >  had to use words I don't really know the meaning of, like >  "uxurious" to achieve the desired result. I bet that news >  papers could save money by buying cheaper word processors >  that don't have a "justify" alignment and just tell their >  writers to write so that all the lines are aligned in the >  Courier New font. Although the lost productivity spent by >  trying to align the lines would cost something too. I bet >  that if I dragged this out for a while, I would then make >  a cube! I mean a square. Cubes are three-dimensional. But >  then I'd have to continue for about another twenty lines. >  So I won't. But I don't want to exert the effort required >  to make the lines aligned anymore so I'll just end abrupt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would be          a bit more } excited by          your skill }           if you did          a pattern. }           Like a box          with holes } in it like          this. Or a } swirl or a          zigzag. If }           You really          tried hard }           with these          things you } might just          get into a } digest. If          you have a }           desire for          RHO infamy }           you'd make          a question } that would          ask me how } woodchucks          chuck wood

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who could bring a knife to a gunfight and win > anyway, please tell this lowly supplicant... > > Where have all the cowboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, just to make sure we're clear, I could come to a gunfight with a } spoon and win anyway.  Isn't *that* ironic? } } Hmm, cowboys, cowboys--I had them here a second ago...  Ah, here we } are. Since the main job of the cowboy was to herd cattle from the } ranches to the various slaughterhouses, the need for them was greatly } reduced as more of the country was connected via road and rail.  Today, } all the cowboys have changed professions to a modern job that suits } their skills.  Since they can withstand a great deal of monotony, are } proficient in pointing brainless animals in the proper direction } (especially when the destination is not in the animals' best interest), } jump into action the moment any little thing goes awry (which includes } things being "too quiet"), don't care what they're wearing as long as } it's comfortable and are willing to shoot someone they don't like on } sight, they are currently in great demand. } } We now call them tech support. } } And don't be fooled by those namby-pamby city-slickers on "help desk". } Those fools can't tell a SCSI port from a hole in their head.  I'm } talking real tech support.  The guys and girls who'll format a hard } drive just to show the machine who's boss (especially if it runs any } form of Windows).  I once saw a man quick-draw his leatherman and swap } out two hard drives and a motherboard before the greenhorn MCSE he was } facing found the power switch.  Some say they've lost their spark from } the old days, but those who do have never felt the sting of a blood } sacrifice freely given to the gods of PCI card installation. } } Oh, you want to know how to win a gunfight with a spoon?  Just hold it } up and say "There is no spoon".  When your opponent looks at your hand } to try to figure out what you're talking about (and how to get you to } share your obviously high-quality stash), you kick him in the } saddlehorn. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of chaps, a spoon, and a saddlehorn cup.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose very mojo makes the ground tremble, please tell > me: > > Where were all the tongue-stud-sporting, low-jeans-wearing, > midriff-bearing hotties when I was in school, dammit? > > Many thanks, > An appalled-and-vaguely-frustrated, aging supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In diapers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are men so obsessed with breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... } } *looks back up* } } Sorry, what were you saying?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, who knows the network like the back of his hand, > >  What happens to all the lost packets? Will they ever find their way >  home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging--wait, sorry, } that's sheep. Well, gentle supplicant, let's fire up the network } monitor so you can see what's going on: } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o                       ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o                ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o         ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o      o  ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o      o  ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ }                             ooo }                             ooo }                             --- }                              o }                             Bar } } They'll be home, but not until about 2. } } You owe the Oracle a virtual beer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty omniscient Oracle, fount of all knowledge, keeper of all > wisdom, here the plea of this poor soul... > > What is Kraft American "cheese-like food" *really* made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order from largest amount to smallest amount, it's made of: } } *deep breath* } } Thiamin mononitrate, ferrous sulfate, sodium benzoate, benzium } sodioate, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, dexadrin, soy } lecithin-an emulsifier, kitten katothol, sodium ascorbate and } ascorbic acid, pyridoxine hydrochloride, hydrochloric palmitate, } phosphoric acid, lactic acid starter culture, BHA, BHT, maltodextrin, } LL-cysteine hydrochloride, ammonium sulfate, monocalcium phosphate, } THBQ, MVBMS, bits of Jimmy Hoffa, ethylhexyl p-methoxycinnamate, } oxybenzone, 2-ethyhexyl salicyate, homosalate, snips and snails and } puppydog tails, PEG-8, silica, cetyl phosphate, acrylates/C10-30 } alkyl acrylate crosspolymer, diazolidinyl urea, methylparaben, } popylparaben, disodium EDTA, propylene glycol, patent pending, } triethanolamine, THC, PABA, canthaxanthin, 5-hydroxy tryptophan, } adenosine triphosphate, synthetic iron oxide, nasty squid } tentacles, ferrous gluconate, toasted partially defatted cooked } cottonseed flour, radioactive waste, titanium dioxide, riboflavin, } potassium sodium copper chlorophyllin (chlorophyllin-copper } complex), luminescent zinc sulfide, sunlight, strawberry alarm } clocks, 1,4-Bis((2-hydroxy-ethyl)amino)-9,10-anthracenedione } bis(2-propenoic)ester copolymers, hydroxyethyl methacrylate, vinyl } alcohol/methyl methacrylate-dye reaction products, acrylamide, love, } sweet love, KAVA, hydrocodone w/APAP, alprazolam, triamterine/HCTZ, } some bad vibes that are just making me freak out, man, glucophage, } rantidine HCI, metaprolol tartrate and milk. } } And here I bet you thought it didn't have any milk in it at all, huh? } } You owe the Oracle a new spellchecker--I burned mine out on this } answer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most suitable Oracle, who can tie in any reference to any other > fact yet has never had his shoelaces tied to a chair by gnomes, > please answer my question, if you would please, > > Why do people need names since so few of them look alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } 17 DEAD IN FUN-RUN DEBACLE } By: That reporter with the Big Hair } } Yesterday's annual charity marathon in aid of Impoverished Priests was } transformed into a terrifying exhibition of pain and violence, shocking } spectators and participants alike. } } Some guy with blond hair and a moustache (23), gave us this eye-witness } account: } } "It was shaping up to be a pretty good day - the sun was shining, } everyone was happy to be doing something for the community - spirits } were high, you know? } I was stood on the walkway across the road with two of my buddies - } that short, fat balding guy, and the one we all suspect of being gay, } watching the whole thing - the starter's pistol fired, and everyone } took off - 2,000 people chatting, laughing, enjoying the experience... } and that's when it happened. } } There was some kind of disturbance in the crowd - a mugging, } bag-snatching - we're not quite sure, and someone ran off towards the } town square... The shout went up; "Hey you! Stop right there!" } } My god, it was horrible - 2,000 people all turning round at once, some } in rabbit costumes, some in wheelchairs, some pushing their friends } along in hospital beds... I'd say the whole incident took less than 2 } minutes, and by the time it was all over, the road just looked like a } butcher's window. One big mass of writhing limbs, and the screams... oh } dear lord, the screams. I won't be sleeping for a long time." } } The mayor, fat corrupt guy who likes hookers, had this to say: "This is } a sad day for our once-great town - the memories of that guy, the other } guy, and that annoying one no-one likes - not to mention creepy } glass-eye dude, will live long in our memories." } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a name-tag with "HI! My name is BOB" written on it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, chunderful Oracle, > Whose name rhymes so nicely with "coracle", > Please answer my question > And relieve my congestion: > What the hell *else* rhymes with Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou supplicant most oratorical, } This challenge is largely rhetorical. } Of course, I do know } Many rhymes I can show } To the poet whose work's metaphorical. } } I daresay this most allegorical } Of challenges is quite historical. } And yet, I can rise } To this pleasant surprise. } My wisdom's beyond categorical. } } You owe the Oracle a Shakesperean sonnet ending with "orange."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Zadoc > Subject: OOTO Monday and Tuesday > Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 > To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu> > > I'll be out of the office undergoing a painful quadruple root canal on > Monday and Tuesday. In my absence, if you need someone to lick your > boots, be generally menial, or be a whipping post, Og will be glad to > step forward. I should be back Wednesday, and boy would a kick in the > teeth hurt then!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Oracle } Subject: Food } Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2002 } To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu> } } Starting Monday I want the only foods available in the } commissary to be peanut brittle, beef jerky, raw almonds, } and ice cubes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wisest of Oracles, > >  Why is "weird" spelled so weird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > look around } You are on page 1732 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English } Dictionary.  You see lots of words. } } You hear shouting from nearby.  You have the faint sense that it } is directed at you. } } > inventory } You have 5 letters. } } > examine letters } You have a 'w', an 'i', an 'e', an 'r', and a 'd'. } } > who am i? } You are 'wierd'. } } > examine words } Your nearest neighbors are 'wield', above you, and 'wife', below } you. } } You hear loud sounds coming from below. } } > examine wife } She's not very attractive.  In addition, she seems to be yelling } rather earnestly at you about something. } } > listen } Trust me, you'd rather not do that. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'Dr. Wei', prominent brain surgeon. } } Mrs. Wei continues to scream at you from below... something about } using an adjective where an adverb is called for... } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'Drew I', Lord of Careya. } } You continue to hear some choice imprecations being directed at } you by Lady Drew. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'wired'. } } Your wife screams at you to sit down and behave like an adult. } } > bounce off walls } Wheee!  Wasn't that fun?  But perhaps you should cut down a bit } on the caffeine... } } Your time is running out. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } (Your score just went up by 10 points) } } > who am i? } You are 'weird'. } } > I beg your pardon? } Hey, that's MY line!  Your pitiful grovel does not entitle you to } its use. } } (Your score just went down by 5 points) } } > who am i again? } You are 'weird'.  Just plain weird. } } The silence from below is deafening. } } > look around } You are on page 1695 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English } Dictionary.  You see lots of words. } } > examine words } Your nearest neighbors are 'weir', above you, and 'welcome', } below you. } } Your southern neighbor greets you kindly and expresses fond } wishes for your successful integration into this neighborhood. } } > listen } Ahhhh!  You hear a wren singing from far away, perhaps for the } first time since the dictionary was printed. } } (Your score just went up by 10 points) } } The game is over! } } Congratulations on successfully evading the 'wife'.  Your score } entitles you to remain exactly where you are in the dictionary, } your letters forever frozen in their current order. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the difference between } 'weird' and 'weirdly'.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's that thing? }  _ } / \                                                              | } \__\                                                             | } >__ >                                                            | } /  /                                                             | } \_/                                                              | } } Oooh, it's one of those stealth fighters.  Ugly brute, isn't it? } }            _ }           / \                                                    | }           \__\                                                   | }           >__ >                                                  | }           /  /                                                   | }           \_/                                                    | } } Look at it go! } }                     _ }                    / \                                           | }                    \__\                                          | }                    >__ >                                         | }                    /  /                                          | }                    \_/                                           | } } Hey, here comes another one! } }                                     _ }                                    / \                           | }                                    \__\                          | } >                                  >__ >                         | }                                    /  /                          | }                                    \_/                           | } } Oops, maybe not.  That looks like a SAM. } }                                               _ }                                              / \                 | }                                              \__\                | } >>===>====>                                  >__ >               | }                                              /  /                | }                                              \_/                 | } } Hurry, hurry! } }                                                             _ }                                                            / \   | }                                                            \__\  | }                          >>===>====>                       >__ > | }                                                            /  /  | }                                                            \_/   | } } Will he make it? }                                                                  | }                                                                  | }                                                >>===>====>       | }                                                                  | }                                                                  | } } Oh well, I guess we'll never know. } } You owe the Oracle a bigger skylight.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > I have a rather embarrassing problem, > > you see 'it' is rather large, quite a bit larger than anything I've > seen in those videos > (you know the kind I mean) > So large in fact, that it frightens my girlfriend, and she doesn't come > to visit any more. > > I've heard that you may also have suffered from this problem, > do you have any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those big SUVs are completely inefficient anyway.  Sell it, and buy a } Mini Cooper.  She'll think it's cute.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > How many "N" ate wings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's work backwards. You invited N friends over to watch the } game. You bought the Monster Wing Assortment[TM] from your local Dead } Chicken Purveyor[R]. The assortment has 289 in seventeen levels of } spiciness: } }  1) A la mode }  2) Reduced Flavor }  3) Original Factory Farm Flavor }  4) Artificial Free Range Flavor }  5) Salt and MSG Bonanza }  6) Black Pepper }  7) Red Pepper }  8) Original Buffalo Flavor }  9) Extra Cayenne } 10) Peppery Piquant } 11) Fire Bomb } 12) Thermal Failure } 13) Incendiary Grenade } 14) Fire-in-the-Hole } 15) Like-A-Briquette-On-Your-Tongue } 16) Nuclear } 17) Pop-Star Photo-shoot } } Of your N friends one half (L) don't eat spicy food and are stuck with } the lower five flavors. All of those wings were consumed. You have K } friends who love spicy foods, but can only eat nine wings each, before } their tongues burst into flame and they leave for the emergency room. } You have J friends who like to one up each other on heat and who } consumed one of each flavor. One of your friends is vegan and only eats } the carrots and celery, thus depriving spicy food eaters of a pallete } cleanser. Now, knowing that K + J + L + 1 = N, and that after the game } there were 50 wings left burning holes in your paper plates, you can } easily deduce that } } L = 17         ate 3 each      51 wings } K = 14         ate 9 each     153 wings       204 total } J =  2         ate 2 each      34 wings       238 total } you had left over        50           288 total } } N = 34, because your so-called vegan friend actually ate one on the } sly. } } You owe the Oracle pop star suitably matched for the #17 wings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose animated alter ego I am not fit to draw, > > In the intro to the animated series "The Simpsons" Homer drops a > radioactive rod in the sewers. This has happened once a week for a > large number of years. > > Where do those rods end up and what effect does it have on the ecology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you think everyone's yellow and only has 4 fingers?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most global in perspective, > > Europe is just as rich and white as America, where do they > get off by acting like they're morally superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's lay it on the table and see what we find: } } ===================================================================== } |                      |       EUROPE        |     UNITED STATES    | } ===================================================================== } | 1. Predominant       |                     |                      | } |    racial grouping?  |       White         |         White        | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 2. Level of          |                     |                      | } |    affluence?        |        Rich         |          Rich        | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 3. Repository for    |                     |                      | } |    spoiled, rich     | Powerless, symbolic |    The White House   | } |    idiots with       |  royal families     |                      | } |    famous parents?   |                     |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 4. Prevailing public |                     |                      | } |    opinion on:       |                     |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    a. Global warming | It's bloody obvious!| Facts aren't facts   | } |                      |                     | if they mean I lose  | } |                      |                     | money.               | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    b. Terrorism      | It's a problem.     | AIIIIEEEEE! KILL!    | } |                      | Let's solve it.     | KILL! KILL! KILL     | } |                      |                     | ANYONE WHO WHIFFS OF | } |                      |                     | ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS! | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    c. Gun control    | It's bloody obvious!| You can't make your  | } |                      |                     | problems go away     | } |                      |                     | just by outlawing    | } |                      |                     | them.                | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    d. Keeping        | It's bloody obvious!| Let's outlaw         | } |       abortion legal |                     | abortion, and then   | } |                      |                     | the problem will go  | } |                      |                     | away! Hurray!        | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    e. The death      | Two wrongs don't    | Victim's families    | } |       penalty        | make a right.       | will find bloodlust  | } |                      |                     | -- I mean, peace,    | } |                      |                     | and titillation --   | } |                      |                     | I mean, closure,     | } |                      |                     | through revenge --   | } |                      |                     | I mean, justice.     | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    e. War with Iraq  | Shouldn't we have a | Look at all these    | } |                      | reason, first? Or   | bright, shiny        | } |                      | some evidence? Or   | weapons we've got!   | } |                      | something? Hello??  |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    f. Food           | Let's have some     | Did somebody say     | } |                      | traditional         | McDonald's?          | } |                      | regional favorites  |                      | } |                      | made with fresh     |                      | } |                      | ingredients, and a  |                      | } |                      | fine wine.          |                      | } ===================================================================== } } So there you have it, supplicant. The Europeans aren't morally superior } to you at all. Just intellectually. } } You owe the Oracle a star-spangled dunce cap.