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Best of Internet Oracularities #1426-1450

Goto:
1426-1450, 1444-10, 1440-07, 1442-05, 1432-09, 1434-04, 1437-04, 1439-09, 1449-04, 1432-10, 1433-05, 1434-01, 1439-07, 1441-06


Best of Internet Oracularities #1426-1450    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 May 2009 06:30:00 -0400

@@@ The editor of digest #1455 and selecting priest of Oracularity
@@@ #1455-08 would like to apologize to anyone offended by the P.S. that
@@@ was present in this Oracularity's answer when originally published.
@@@ It somehow escaped our attention and wasn't removed prior to
@@@ publication, as is our practice.  It did not reflect the opinion of
@@@ the Oracle's staff.

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle (TM), as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1426 through #1450 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/
or http://www.internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1444-10    (013ee dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ....hello? Oh, thank god, finally. I've been stuck in your call-waiting
> queue for days, I completely lost track of time, I think I might have
> fallen asleep once or twice. Anyway. Oracle, baby, I'm calling from
> the merchandising agency, and we've got this great new toy spinoff
> for this year's Christmas sea son. You'll love it. We just need your
> approval before we start production.
>
> Plush doll with a touch-sensitive voice chip. We're calling it
> "Question Me Orrie". Whaddaya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A bedroom door opens, the hall light floods in
}    and lands upon the parent's bed getting there at
}    about the same time as little Bobby, the bundle
}    of joy who had opened the door. ]
}
} Bobby: Mommy! Mommy! Daddy! Wake up! It's Christmas!
}         IT'S CHRISTMAS!
}
} [ A bit later the family trudges downstairs. Bobby
}    starts shredding the packages open in a manic air
}    of greed. This halts as he opens the box with
}    his "Question Me Orrie Plush Doll" (QmOPD) inside. ]
}
} Bobby: What is this?
}
} QmOPD: This is a pronoun. You owe me some of that.
}
} Bobby: Huh?
}
} QmOPD: No Grovel. ZOT!
}
} [ Bobby drops the doll, his hair is all standing on
}    end. ]
}
} Bobby: Mommy!
}
} QmOPD: No, guess again. Think more along the lines
}         of an old bearded immortal. You owe me the
}         contents of your Christmas stocking.
}
} Daddy: Ask it a question Bobby. It will answer it
}         for you.
}
} Bobby: It hurted me.
}
} Mommy: I told you he was too young for it doofus.
}
} Bobby: Why do you call daddy that?
}
} QmOPD: She's ticked at him for banging her sister
}         last Halloween. He said her witch mask made
}         him think it was Mommy. You owe me a candied
}         apple.
}
} Bobby: Banging?
}
} QmOPD: A polite euphemism fo...
}
} [ Mommy snatches the doll out of Bobby's hands and
}    tosses it in the fire. ]
}
} Daddy: Why the hell did you do that?
}
} QmOPD: She doesn't want him to grow up to fast, or ever
}         even, that's why at 14 he still calls her Mommy
}         and you Daddy. Speaking of hell, it's kind of hot
}         in this fire. You owe the me a really big bucket
}         of water like RIGHT NOW!
}
} Bobby: He smells funny when he burns doesn't he Mommy?
}
} QmOPD: We all do Bobby, we all do. You owe the Oracle a
}         <pifft> Ow, man this hurts! Erkptt... zorrtkt.
}
} Bobby: Bawaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa....
}
} Daddy: That's just great Shelia. Cost us $200 bucks and
}         now it's a melting blob. And the kid is bawling
}         his eyes out. See what you did? Are you happy?
}
} QmOPD: bu shpx V'z ba sver lbh bjr zr n arj fbhy
}
} [ fade to black ]


1440-07    (112dc dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rock set?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paper. The Oracle wins again.
}
} The Oracle feels sufficient time has passed since World War
} Two for him to reveal how his advice won the War for The
} Allies.
}
} When Winston Churchill asked the Oracle for help he pointed
} out that the Nazi salute was the hand sign for "paper" so
} all Churchill had to do was get his people to flash the
} 'scissors' sign (or V for Victory as he called it). Since
} scissors trumps paper the allies would win. Of course this
} all got muddled up when Stalin had his thug army start waving
} their fists around above their heads as a 'rock' symbol. So
} in the end Stalin could bash Churchill, but could be covered
} by Hitler, who could be cut up by Churchill. This explains how
} the USSR ended up with most of post-war Europe.
}
} The things you can learn here from the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atomic bomb.


1442-05    (0275d dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get Becky to like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
}        The Oracle's 5 Step Guide to Being Likable
} {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
}
} #1. Be Positive!
}
}      The easiest way to become positive is rub yourself
}      with a balloon, this transfers electrons to the
}      balloon leaving you with a net positive charge.[1]
}      This effect works best when the balloon is applied
}      directly to your hair, & is a short term effect. So
}      you should do this in the immediate vicinity of
}      the person(s) you're trying to attract, and to get
}      the maximum amount of body hair in contact with the
}      balloon you should do this while naked. Since opposites
}      attract once you're positive you'll attract negatives.
}      And we all know the world is full of them. You'll be
}      surrounded by people in no time!
}
} #2. Be a Person of Conviction!
}
}      No one likes the wishy washy. Be proud of your convictions.
}      Keep in mind some convictions make you more likable than
}      others. Good Convictions include embezzlement, tax fraud,
}      and cocaine cartel warlord. Bad convictions are child
}      abuse, necrophilia, and spamming.
}
} #3. Contribute Something!
}
}      No, we're not talking donating to the Red Cross here. We're
}      talking contributing to the group or being a part of the
}      conversation -- not being a lump on a log. Contributing
}      to the conversation requires wit, and wisdom, and keeping
}      abreast of world events. It's a lot of work. Best to just
}      contribute money -- if you're buying round after round of
}      drinks you are by definition very well liked by all. Bottom-
}      line: Don't go anywhere without your credit card.
}
} #4. Don't Smell Bad!
}
}      Not only females, but many men as well will not like being
}      around you if you stink to high heaven. This very simple
}      step is sometimes overlooked by "Please Like Me!" novices.
}      Keep in mind the Three "B"s. Brush teeth, Barf not, and
}      Butt sounds bad!
}
} #5. Ape the Successful!
}
}      See that guy or gal over there that's the center of attention?
}      See what they're doing different than you? Well, duh! Do what
}      they're doing! Undo all the buttons on your blouse, kick
}      the butt of everyone in the bar at arm wrestling, pull up in
}      a Ferrari, be related to the boss. What ever it is, you should
}      do it too! Ape your way to the top, that's called 'evolution'
}      my friend.
}
}        }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
}
} You owe the Oracle some space.
}
} [1] Yes, it sounds backwards if you lost electrons you'd
}      think you'd be negative. Thank that idiot Ben Franklin
}      for naming the charges the opposite of what you'd
}      think intuitively. But hey, he's on the $100 dollar
}      bill which makes him -very- likable, so go figure.


1432-09    (01bdc dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and revered, please de-riddle me this:
>
> Why is it that most people can't tell the difference between irony,
> sarcasm and cynicism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, people can barely tell love from hate. Grasping
} the fine line between those three concepts requires
} a bit of finesse.
}
} But, fear not, common ordinary mortal. The ever wise
} Oracle exists solely to make such things clear as crystal
} clean water laced with life giving soil.
}
}   ======================================================
}
} Irony: When the total opposite occurs of what is intended
}         or expected.
}
} Examples:
}
} * John Hinckley missed Ronald Reagan with every one
}    of the bullets he fired, but the president ends up
}    wounded when one round bounced off the bullet proof
}    windows of his Secret Service car and hit him.
}
} * When cigar smoking, vodka swilling grandmothers in the
}    Urals who have never been to a doctor a day in their lives
}    make it to 100 years old while health freaks die from heart
}    attacks while exercising before they turn 30.
}
} * The fact Ray Charles has never gone on a blind date.
}
}   ===========================================================
}
} Sarcasm: When people say the opposite of what they mean
}           to make a point. (note: sarcasm works even better
}           in email or USENET than it does in real life)
}
} Examples:
}
} * Well, isn't that special!
}
} * Great!
}
} * I'm so happy for you.
}
} [ See how much funnier those are in print than in real life?]
}
}   ===========================================================
}
} Cynicism: [ Disclaimer: The Oracle was a drinking buddy
}              of Antisthenes so his views on this subject
}              are a tad skewered -- Editor ]
}            Cynicism is the observation that people are
}            motivated by self-interest and the application
}            of this fact to all facets of life.
}
} Examples:
}
} * When someone asks how you are, they really are trying to
}    ascertain if you are in a weakened condition in case they
}    decide to kill you on the spot.
}
} * Mothers kiss their children so they can covertly taste
}    the little brats in case they decide to kill one on the
}    spot and eat which ever one of them is most flavorable at
}    that moment in time.
}
} * Whenever someone offers a woman a seat on the bus it's just
}    because they want to have a person with a soft subdermal
}    layer of fat to land on as a cushion in case there is a
}    wreck. Killing and eating the person afterwards.
}
}   =========================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle Ambrose Bierce's head on a paper plate.
} And a fork. And a knife. And some soy sauce or mustard.


1434-04    (109dd dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant and quirky Oracle, smarter than the Professor, more
> commanding than the Skipper, and richer than the Howells, please settle
> once and for all the second most important question of all:
>
> Ginger or MaryAnn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or?


1437-04    (029ad dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The human body doesn't seem to show much resistance when stretched 4.9
> meters. In 10 microseconds. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. A flaw has been
} discovered in the latest version of humans, causing the effect you
} noticed. Because of this flaw, humans which are stretched rapidly to
} such lengths often experience discorporation. This bug has been fixed
} in Humans Service Pack 4, which adds a genetic sequence which protects
} your human from such effects. Additional improvements in SP4 include:
}    -Now supports 'green' as a hair color.
}    -Bladder now has a larger buffer, not needing to be cleared as often.
}    -Previous versions had a bug which did not load intelligence
} correctly if the human had blonde hair. This has been fixed.
}    -Improved firewall, meaning less burns.
}    -A bug caused many humans to enjoy reality TV. This has been fixed.
}    -Humans will no longer send the null question.
}    -Fixed a bug which caused many humans to not grovel to the Oracle.
}    -There was a bug in pregnant women, in which an array overflowed
} into the memory used for appetite, filling this with random and
} erroneous values. This has been fixed.
}    -Fixed several allergies.
}    -Belly button no longer collects lint.
}    -In rare cases, a human would want to become a priest of the
} Oracle. This has been fixed.
}    -Improved hygiene.
} You can download Service Pack 4 from our website at
} http://www.hum ans.com/service_pack_4. In the coming years we will
} introduce a revolutionary new version, Humans 2012. Until then, Humans
} XP is the perfect choice for your home or business.


1439-09    (0279a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I'm a Zen master, but I'm happy and I know it and I really want to
> show it. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not as obvious as you might think.
}
} Clap your /other/ hand.


1449-04    (026b9 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The darkness to the skin has to come from somewhere! Through a complex
} process, the sunlight shifts the dark from the hair to the surface of
} the skin. This is why really light blonde people don't tan, but burn.
} They have no dark to move.


1432-10    (227ec dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: SOteric2@msn.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am the real Oracle! You are just an IMPOSTER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!
}
} Here's the keys to the temple. And, here, let me
} write it on a Post-it Note... here's the password
} for root on the servers. Hmm, Lisa will be back
} from her sister's Thursday. Of course as the New
} Oracle you knew all this already, just conveying
} info as a professional courtesy.
}
} I'll just run up my bedroom, YOUR bedroom now, and
} grab a few personal things and whoosh! Be on my way.
}
} Have fun!
}
} Oh.
}
} And no tags back. It's all yours Big Fella. It's all
} yours.
}
} You owe yourself a few seconds of peace before the
} fans hit, if you catch my drift... but of course you
} do, you catch all now. You're The Oracle.
}
}
} Free! I. Am. FREE!! Woo-hoo.
}
} bye


1433-05    (11abc dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any games harder than Nethack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life is pretty tough, everyone I know ends up dying.


1434-01    (146dc dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle reached out with his great arms and gave the supplicant
> a -=big=- hug. And those in the circle all clapped and smiled.
>
> Overhead doves flew by in the bright blue sky, the grass beneath
> their feet tickled, the breeze through the orchard cooled them with
> the soft scent of peach blossoms.
>
> The Oracle produced a garland of daisies and draped it around the
> supplicant's neck.
>
> Each of those in the circle stood and approached the supplicant.
> They each handed the supplicant a flower of their own, and with it
> a few kind words.
>
> "Welcome."
>
> "I'm so happy you have decided to join us."
>
> "If there's every anything I can do, please tellme."
>
> Until the last one had passed by...
>
> "Now," spoke the Oracle, "the time has for you to join us in temple."
>
> And with that they all approached the temple. A tall imposing
> castle structure that seemed a bit out of sorts in this fair land.
> The supplicant noticed as approached people on the towers and walls.
> The supplicant waved. The people on the wall did not wave back.
> As the supplicant drew nearer it became clear why, in one hand was
> a crude cross-bow hacked from some dark wood. Their other hand was
> manacled to the wall.
>
> "W..dch..ks," said the Oracle as he put his arm around the supplicants
> shoulder, "they are there to keep the w..dch..ks away. We have to
> chain those brave men to the wall to keep them from jumping down and
> fighting the horrid beasts hand to hand."
>
> A gaunt man slid up to the supplicant's side and added, "So great
> is their love for the Oracle that they yearn for chances to make the
> supreme sacrifice for him."
>
> As they crossed over the moat the supplicant saw it was not full of
> water, but full of bones and little rodents that seemed to be biting
> the tails of any one of them that tried to climb out of the trough
> and dragging them back in.
>
> Once inside the Temple gate itself the huge oak doors closed with a
> slow and final thump.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once inside the magnificent, marble entrance hall, the Oracle put a
} hand on the supplicant's shoulder and pointed with the other one at
} a fountain surrounded by statues.
}
} "This is..."
}
} A bell rang, loud and terrible. Lights flashed. Shouts could be heard,
} both distant and near. Sudden commotion erupted, footsteps sounded
} above and below.  The Oracle and priesthood froze and looked at each
} other, a sudden dread in their faces.
}
} "... this is impossible!"
}
} "Um," the supplicant tapped the Oracle on the hand still resting on
} their shoulder, "this isn't the let's-welcome-the-new-priest-bell,
} is it?"
}
} The Oracle seemed not to have heard them. It hastened to a statue
} displaying a knight dipping his sword into the fountain and pulled
} its shield arm. Racks of odd devices sprang up from the floor, all
} of them as much alien in their shape as they were obviously weapons.
}
} "Everybody grab a zotrod! Quick!"
}
} The supplicant reached for one of the six foot long staves that made
} up the bulk of the available weaponry.
}
} "And now..."
}
} But again, the Oracle was interrupted, this time by shouts from
} the priests.
}
} "The roof! Woodchucks on the roof!"
}
} Things went too fast for the supplicant. Turning simultaneously
} with the priests, they raised the zotrod over their face, more in a
} desperate effort to bring something between a couple of organs they
} had grown rather fond of and the homicidal rodents that crashed through
} the glass dome of the temple than to perform any kind of attack.
}
} They closed their eyes. There were more shouts, there was the sound of
} shattered glass raining down on the floor. A brilliant light flashed
} through their eyelids several times, and something heavy brushed
} against their shins.
}
} When they dared to look again, a priest was laying at his feet in a
} puddle of blood. One of the priests knelt and held her head.
}
} "No! Not Clarissa!" His voice was pure panic. "They knew! They knew
} we're helpless without..."
}
} All eyes suddenly turned to the supplicant. Time seemed to stop for
} a heartbeat, and after what seemed like an eternity, the Oracle spoke:
}
} "You. New one. You're good with math, right? Numbers are your thing?
} Well, congratulations, you just got a promotion on your first day.
} We need you in the tower. Pete, take him and get the Zototron going!"
}
} "But, but..." the supplicant stammered as one of the priests grabbed
} his arm and pulled him towards a nearby stairway, but the Oracle was
} out of earshot before they could form a remotely coherent sentence.
} Turning to the priest that kept dragging them up the wound stairway,
} the supplicant asked "What is going on here?"
}
} "Much as I'd like to," the priest replied, "there's no time to tell you
} the entire story with the proper dramaturgy. So let's just say that
} you happened to choose the day our ancient and most feared nemesis
} attacks us for your initiation. And we," he added while kicking open
} a door at the top of the tower, "are the only ones who can stop it
} while the others buy us time."
}
} The room was littered with odd and antiquated computer equipment,
} the marble floor hardly visible for all the cables covering it like
} so many snakes. Pete threw himself into a chair in front of one of
} the many monitors and began hammering on the keyboard.
}
} "I need you to go to the window. What do you see? How many are there?"
}
} As told, the supplicant did step to the window. For a moment, they
} did not realize what they saw, for the sight was too strange, too
} bizarre to recognize or even accept. From the wall below him to the
} distant horizon, the earth was brown with woodchuck.
}
} "How many?"
}
} The supplicant counted, the supplicant estimated. The supplicant
} gulped. The supplicant told him.
}
} "Have they breached the wall yet?"
}
} "Some are climbing it, but they haven't breached it. They're trying,
} though - they have siege towers!"
}
} "Siege Towers! How many?"
}
} The supplicant counted, the supplicant told him.
}
} Pete looked at him. "Alright. Now, I need to figure this out. In order
} to get our very own doomsday device going, I must know exactly what
} subspecies of woodchuck it is. And that, " he took a deep breath,
} "I can determine if I know their speed. They can't have been here
} for longer than a day, or our scouts would have reported them.
} They probably used the entirety of your initiation for the preparation
} of the attack. Now, each siege tower takes twenty logs of wood. So tell
} me how many logs did each woodchuck provide per hour, and quickly."
}
} The supplicant calculated, the supplicant opened their mouth.
}
} The supplicant hesitated.
}
} The supplicant thought.
}
} "I can't tell you."
}
} "What? You said you're good at math. I need you to do this! You're our
} only hope!"
}
} "I mean, I could tell you. But I won't. You remember that oath I swore,
} like, twenty minutes ago? Apart from all the odd stuff about mangos,
} which I suspect is a joke, it also included that I will never ever
} answer the woodchuck question to anyone." He paused. "And so I will.
} Not even to you."
}
} Pete glared at the supplicant. "Are you insane? You are destroying
} the temple!"
}
} "It would be destroyed," the supplicant answered with a sad smile,
} "either way. This way, it may go down faster, but I will not have
} its... well, I will not have on my hands whatever temples have instead
} of blood."
}
} There was another flash of light, this time blinding the supplicant,
} and then there was - applause.
}
} Disoriented, the supplicant looked at the Oracle and the priesthood
} as they stood around them in the fully restored entrance hall.
} "Well done", the Oracle said, "you handled yourself pretty well.
} Although you could have thrown in a pun or two, you didn't really
} use the comedic opportunities."
}
} The supplicant sighed in relief.
}
} "So this was all a test. To see if I'm worthy, to see that I won't
} answer the forbidden question, even when under the greatest pressure."
}
} And the Oracle said: "No, don't be silly. There are no tests. We were
} just plain messing with you. Gives you a taste of what the supplicants
} will do to you - on a daily basis. Now, take the rest of the day off,
} and I see you tomorrow at five. And oh, keep that zotrod."
}
}
} To the Oracle, you owe your deepest psychological scar.


1439-07    (117a9 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the Seven Habits of Grossly Obnoxious Supplicants, and how can
> I avoid them while still asking you questions that are, ummm, creative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sin Number One: Lust
}      Obsessive Thoughts about Lisa.  Or Ogwa. Or either one of the
}      priest/priestesses named Tim. Or the Oracle's staff. Or either
}      one of the Tim's hair.
}
}      Example:
}
}      Oh Oracle most wise,
}      What is six inches long, two inches wide and thrills females?
}
} And the lustful reply was:
}
}      A Poorly Formatted Answer that Makes Fun of Men.
}
}      You owe the Oracle some money, yes, yes, yes, OH LISA OH!
}      OH! OH MY GAWD!! LISA!!  Wait...is that Tim over there?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Two: Gluttony
}      Draining the queue just so you can answer more! and more!
}      Not caring that your lame one liners are never read because
}      you're emailing in HTML and no one reads those ones anyway.
}      Or it's inverse. The begging question with no effort.
}
}      Example of a gluttonous question:
}
}      Oh Oracle most wise,
}      Tell me everything. And make it funny. And really long.
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Three: Greed
}     Asking questions solely out of the hope of getting digested, or a
}     high score.
}
}     Example of a Greedy Question:
}
}     Oh Oracle most wise,
}     Tell me about the Seven Deadly Sins of Question asking!
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Four: Sloth
}     Sending in Steve Wright jokes out of sheer laziness or sending
}     in variations of one request over and over again -- like those
}     lame "My Uncle says he lived in [funny word], but we can't find
}     it in a map..." questions of late.
}
}     Examples of a Slothful Question:
}
}     My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkway, Canada.
}     But it's not on a map. Why?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Five: Wrath
}     Zotting the supplicant, or berating him for a lame question.
}
}     Example of a Wrathful Question and Answer pair:
}
}     My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkwayandILL-
}     sendthisinasmanytimesasIwantyoubigstupiddork! But it's not on a
}     map. Why Not?
}
}     Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick stop sending this drivel in!!!!!!
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Six: Envy
}      Hating the "Best of" Digests because by definition you'll never get
}      in there. Ever.
}
}      Example of an Envious Question:
}
}      Hey Orrie, why don't you ever digest GOOD STUFF? HUH? I WROTE
}      U A REAL FUNNY ONE! WHERE IS IT?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Seven: Pride
}      Signing your questions or answers.
}
}      Example:
}
}      [AlanW]
}
} ============================================================= }
}
} You owe the Oracle some questions the answers to which will change
} world history.


1441-06    (108b7 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most triumphant and pleasing Oracle, who thunders aloft and has his
> dwelling most high. Attend thou with eye and ear, and make twisted
> pair questions straight with righteousness. Wise Oracle do tell of
> true things.
>
> Are humans alone in the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rise, my humble supplicant, and hear what I have to tell you. You seem
} to have made a minor mistake. Yes, humans are, in fact, a loan *to*
} the Universe.
}
} Allow me to explain. Thousands of years ago the Universe, or Jeff as
} he prefers to be called, was getting pretty bored. You would be too,
} if you existed for 13 billion years with no cable TV. He kept
} complaining to God about it, to the point where God finally said,
} "Alright, fine, what exactly do you want?!"
}
} Jeff asked for God to create some reality shows for him to watch, but
} God refused on the grounds that He doesn't create evil. Jeff kept
} pestering God. This was starting annoy The Big Guy a lot, so God
} created entropy as a punishment for Jeff. (You wouldn't want to
} constantly get more chaotic, would you? What? Oh, well, your universe
} doesn't.)
}
} Anyways, God and Jeff were on pretty bad terms by then, and Jeff was
} still mind-numbingly bored at the point, so he decided to look
} elsewhere for help.
}
} Jeff did a little checking around, and found out that another
} universe, Ashley, owed me a funny little species called humans, which
} she had put on the table in a recent poker game. The three of us ended
} up working out a deal where Jeff got to borrow humanity from me, Jeff
} gave Ashley a few more than forty spiral galaxies, and Ashley gave me
} a neat device which fires a concentrated quantity of electricity. I
} had my eye on that thing for a while.
}
} I got an excellent deal.
}
} Jeff gets to keep you humans for a few hundred more years before I get
} you back. I'll probably just try pawning you off to another universe,
} or if that doesn't work, just get rid of you. After all, you don't
} seem very valuable. All you ever do is go around killing each other
} and making reality TV shows. It's nice to keep in touch with you and
} dispense my wisdom, but I don't want to take care of you full-time. I
} have better things to do.
}
} You owe the Oracle... nevermind, I'll have it in a few hundred years
} anyway.


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