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Best of Internet Oracularities #1526-1550

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1526-1550, 1533-09, 1541-10, 1537-08, 1526-10, 1527-09, 1530-04, 1534-07, 1541-01, 1543-03, 1549-09, 1534-01, 1535-02, 1536-02, 1538-06, 1539-04, 1542-07, 1543-04, 1544-06, 1549-10


Best of Internet Oracularities #1526-1550    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: 9 Sep 2015 08:48:30 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1526 through #1550 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org to receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1533-09    (0043b dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Oracle's definition of insanity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Talks to imaginary friends, expecting answers, and gets them."


1541-10    (01459 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I get out of high school I want to be a pundit. They get mentioned
> in the news allot like politicians and bombers and soldiers but I don't
> think they have to kill people. Can you tell me some good ones to get
> me started? All I have now is that stale one about "no pun in ten did."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was young, I wanted to be a pop star. I was Adam Ant.
}
} Later I changed my mind and wanted to be a DJ, until my friends told me
} to jacket.
}
} Then I wanted to become a mathematician. It was an integral part of my
} life.
}
} I told my career advisor I wanted to become a chemist. No reaction.
}
} She suggested I became a telescope manufacturer instead. I said I'd
} look into it.
}
} I took a temp job making mirrors for telescopes, but my first one went
} wrong. It reflected badly on me.
}
} At university, I wanted to be a historian until I realised there was no
} future in it.
}
} I took a part time job in a Greek restaurant. I had a smashing time.
}
} I had a job as transport manager for an orchestra. That took a lot of
} brass.
}
} I was a magician's assistant for about a year before I decided I didn't
} like being tied down.
}
} I worked in an Apple store for a while before the sexism drove me out.
} It wasn't very PC.
}
} In the end I wanted to become a priest until I learned I wouldn't make
} a prophet.
}
} Then I became a philosopher. At last I had found my Nietzsche.
}
} You owe the Oracle a career map for a cartographer.


1537-08    (01484 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like to report a bug for no reason.  All the Questions and Answers
> come equipped with one extra blank line each.
>
> Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no such thing as an extra blank line. You can use them to
} make comments in red that refer to the line above (or the line below).
} In poor nations, they run the paper through the printer again and
} the second set of Q and A fill the blank lines with untold wisdom.
} Medieval monks used them to write extra copies of the Bible at
} little to no cost for materials. If Fermat had had some blank lines,
} he could have shown his proof to all who followed. Some say
} they waste trees, but they're absolutely wrong. Cut up a sheet of
} paper, separate the blank lines from the others, and you can
} make your own tree. You can even put dollar amounts on your
} bank statement and make a little extra cash. (But don't over do it)
} If all of the blank lines were laid end to end, they would reach the
} end of the universe (almost). The most important thing small
} children learn in school is how to wait in line. It is the fabric of
} our society and keeps it from falling apart. Now that you know the
} potential value of blank lines, I am going to give you one:
}
} You owe the Oracle something spectacular on the blank line above.
} Don't let me down.


1526-10    (11586 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Know any good shaggy dog stories?  Or shaggy god stories?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, as a matter of fact I do!
}
} So this one day Balder the Beautiful was combing his hair. Yeah, I
} know: shocker! I mean, you know Balder! Blonde, long haired, pretty
} much useless if not for his kick-ass combat abilities and his complete
} invulnerability to everything except mistletoe. I mean, what's that
} about? Who has a vulnerability to mistletoe, right? Well, Balder
} figured that it was so out there in left field that only a real
} switch-hitter would nail the mistletoe thing.
}
} Yeah, right. He forgot all about Loki! I mean, we ALL forgot about
} Loki! When he lost that bet with the Niebelungs and got his mouth sewn
} shut we figured he wouldn't dare show his face in Valhalla for
} thousands of years! I mean, Odin requires all his guests to laugh
} REALLY loud while they're partying, and it's a little bit difficult to
} laugh out loud with your lips sewn together, you know what I mean? Of
} course you do!
}
} So anyway, we're all SMASHED out of our minds on some real primo mead
} that Heimdall brought along. I think he brought about ten thousand
} barrels of the stuff. Really kickass stuff. So, we're all drunk. Odin's
} in the back bedroom getting a lapdance from one of the Valkyrie. Next
} thing you know, there's Loki. No stitches. Mouth operational. Thor was
} passed out or he would have smashed his face in. He hates Loki,
} especially since Loki drew that picture on the side of the mountain of
} Thor dressed as Ballerina Barbie.
}
} So anyway, Loki starts making these loud boasts about how all the gods
} of Asgard are totally invulnerable except Balder, who he says is just
} pretty and that's about it, right? Well, Balder gets pissed. Odin comes
} out, Thor wakes up. It's really intense. Like, I mean Clint Eastwood
} spaghetti western kind of intense, right? So anyway, Odin says, "All
} right, let's have a 'Throw Things At Balder' contest!"
}
} Of course, he probably should have said, "Let's* take turns* throwing
} things at Balder," because the next thing you know, every stick of
} furniture in the drinking hall, every joint of mutton in Valhalla,
} fruit, dwarves, pots and pans and drinking horns and a couple of Volvos
} go flying right at Balder. Well, we managed to get the place cleaned
} up, and Odin says, "All right, let's try that again, you momos!"
}
} So we all took turns. It was kind of predictable. Thor throws his
} hammer, Tyr didn't throw anything because that giant wolf ate his right
} hand, Freya threw an implant, Sif threw some hair care products, etc.
} Well, everyone took their turn and Balder stood there, unscathed,
} right? Well, we forgot about Hodr, the Blind God. Loki says to him,
} "Don't worry! I'll point your hands in the right direction, and let's
} throw.....um.....this branch!"
}
} Yeah.....that vulnerability to everything except mistletoe? I mean who
} knew, right? If I had a chance to be invulnerable to everything except
} one thing, I'd probably choose mistletoe, too! How often do you even
} see that stuff except at Christmas, and then it's usually made from
} plastic, right? So Balder probably figured, "Hey! Christmas was months
} ago! I'm cool!"
}
} Yeah, so the mistletoe pierced his chest. He yelled. A lot. He rolled
} around in pain for quite a while. Then he died, of course. But let me
} tell ya: Not one hair out of place! Now that was a shaggy god!


1527-09    (12265 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cheese and rice, what was that for!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a euphemism, intended for the moment when you hit your thumb with
} a hammer. Instead of yelling, "Jeeeezzuss Chriiist" (which would be
} blasphemy) you instead yell cheese and rice.
}
} Your next problem is how to overcome the pain in your thumb. The
} solution is to drop the hammer. It falls on your foot. You then ignore
} the blasphemic problem, and not only yell the Name of Our Blessed Lord
} And Saviour, but scream the added information that His middle initial
} is H and that He is engaging in unspeakable acts beginning with the
} letter F.
}
} At this point you are testing the very limits of the concepts of
} Infinite Mercy and of Divine Retribution. Your faith in Cheese and
} Rice, your prior Good Works, and your status as one of The Elect all
} come into play, as the question of Salvation swirls about you as the
} Whirlwind about Job.
}
} If you happen to be Buddhist instead of Christian, your Karma will
} still be messed up, and you'll be headed off into a set of dreadful
} reincarnations that you would be better off not knowing. The world's
} various religions work more closely together than you could ever
} imagine, even when you hear their proponents proclaiming the opposite.
} (Such is the Mystery of religious mystery.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the power to resist telling the joke with the
} punchline, "That was Zen, this is Tao."


1530-04    (02455 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's the problem with absolute statements

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But aren't they better than rhetorical questions?


1534-07    (01674 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hear tell that you are good with words. Can you write
> a synopsis for this paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing.
}
} Short version:
} "Contains words."
}
} Long version:
} "Caution--contains needless words."
}
} Advice:
} Omit needless words.


1541-01    (01846 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What
> does he say and why is he here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's here to inspect the doors.  He asks, "Why is that door wearing a
} sombrero?"


1543-03    (02556 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have problems with 2 US Senators. I have 2 write 2 papers, 1 on
> Senator Gore and 1 on Senator McCarthy.
>
> The first 1 (for my American Studies class) is about McCarthy and what
> he did as Chairman of the House Committee on Un-American Activities. I
> asked you before an you said I had finished it already but I didn't.
>
> The 2nd one (for Computers for Non-Technical Majors) is about how
> Senator Gore invented the Internet. I looked on Wikipedia and the
> Internte started as the ARPANet about 1969. Gore got to be Senator in
> 1985. Maybe it's sposed to be his father, also Senator Gore, who was a
> Senator in 1969.
>
> Anyway, you can explain all these things and good enough that I can put
> the words into the papers and get a A or at least a passing grade. For
> which I can't thnak you enough. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately you have happened upon a British incarnation, who is
} un-American by definition. What follows may be somewhat confused.
}
} Between 1949 and 1954 Senator McCarthy headed three bodies in charge of
} rooting out Communicationists. These were called the House Committee on
} Communication Perversions (HCCP, later known as HTTP), the Senate
} Internet Security Subcommittee, and the Senate Permanent Subcommittee
} on Inveigling.
}
} McCarthy had heard of the invention of the Internet by Karl Marx, who
} later gave his name to the Hierarchical Traitors Marxist Language, or
} HTML for short. McCarthy realised that, since HTTP was a state-free
} communication strategy, it was pushing for the overthrow of the United
} States, and could undermine American life as he knew it. He therefore
} started a series of investigations into un-American activities, which
} were designed to discover citizens who were not loyal to the USA. On
} account of the citizens being caught in this drag-net (not to be
} confused with stockings for transvestites), they were often referred to
} as netizens.
}
} The main question of these investigations was famously: "Are you now,
} or have you ever been, party to internet communications?" Many in the
} entertainment industry, who were keen for their films and music to be
} freely available to everyone (via the Redistribution of Internet
} Archives Association (RIAA)), were caught up in this mess.
}
} Every day, lists would be posted of those who had been found guilty of
} un-American activities, and everyone was forbidden from doing business
} with them. This practice was known as Duns Blacklisting, after the
} philosopher Duns Scotus (Dunce of Scotland).
}
} Eventually, of course, McCarthyism was stopped.
}
} And so it was, in 1969, that Senator Gore (father of the father of an
} inconvenient truth about socialist climate change) rediscovered the
} unbridled communication possibilities afforded by the Internet. He
} publicised these, but did so on the Internet, which was then only
} accessible to three Amish heretics and a shopkeeper in Salt Lake City.
}
} Ever since, the Internet has been used primarily for good.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on the fishing conflicts between the USSR
} and the USA which started around Christmas 1948, entitled "The Cod
} (Noel) War".


1549-09    (11586 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need some good advice.  Here's a gold coin for payment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you. Here's my advice:
}
} Be careful with your money, and don't give away good gold for worthless
} words.
}
} You owe the Oracle the rest of your gold.


1534-01    (11484 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie, please fill in this attached form.  I know it looks like a
> blank sheet, but it's a form.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NAME: Oracle Most Wise
} PROFESSION: Oracle Most Wise
} DATE OF BIRTH: 9,000,000,000 BC
} ADDRESS: Everywhere and Nowhere
} MAILING ADDRESS: 7861 Coconut Alley, Encino CA
} WORK EXPERIENCE:
} 1. Incorporeal Entity of Light
} Responsibilities: Glowing with the Light Divine in a Cosmos of pure
} being, consciousness, and bliss.
} Other duties as required.
}
} 2. Chosen One of the Gods
} Responsibilities: Casting the oracular prognostications for a gathering
} of 10,000 ancient tribes using such methods as: pyromancy, cartomancy,
} anthropomancy, augury, dowsing, gematria, geomancy, horoscopy, scrying,
} nancymancy, and touching bumpy things.
}
} 3. Supreme Arch-Druid of the Sacred Groves
} Responsibilities: Running around naked, painting myself blue,
} overseeing a cult of 5,000 arch-duids, grand druids, druids, and
} acolytes in the regions of East Anglia, Gaul, and Hispana. Occasional
} mead-soaked orgies as required.
}
} 4. High Priest of the Sun, Tegulchpotlitlanacoatl
} Responsibilities: Forecasting future events effecting the kingdom of
} Xenochtitlanoapl by means of extracting vital organs from sacrificial
} victims. Occasional bloodbaths and getting shot by Spaniards as
} required.
}
} 5. Moon Fox the Ghost Dancer, Great Plains
} Responsibilities: Overseeing the cultivation and ritual harvesting of
} peyote. Imbibing of sacred peyote drink in tribal ritual of the Vision.
} Seeing the vision of the Great White Bull at sunet in the equinox as my
} people sang the song of their Grandfathers. Filing and collating as
} required.
}
} REFERENCES:
} Great God YHVH, Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken
}
} Spirit of the Great White Bull Tatanka
}
} Bob Kessler, Regional Sales Director for Sta-Puft Marchmallows, Inc.


1535-02    (02574 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think someone stole all my credit cards.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's have a look at your bills and see what we got, shall we?
}
} Zeus hardware: 10000 charges for staff of Zot.
} Bacchus Inc:  500 gallons of wine.
} Aphrodite's Lounge:  Confidential services.  (4995 visits)
} Thor's bone-breaking:  90 bills collected.
} Odin Consulting: Information supplied.
} Playboy: Subscription renewed.
} Penthouse: Subscription renewed.
} Hustler: Subscription renewed.
} Amazon.com: Washing detergent. New broom.  (Gift wrapped, "To Zadoc")
}
} No, I have no idea who this perpetrator could be, but I wouldn't worry
} to much about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle that you wait a bit longer before canceling them.


1536-02    (11555 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oof! I wrote "msiles per galoon" instead of "miles per gallon" and it
> got corrected to "smiles per galoot" instead. What will my admittedly
> antique car do with smiles per galoot? It's a 1913 Mercer Raceabout.
> And NO YOU CAN'T DRIVE IT. (You know what happened last time.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see that front axle? The one that goes under the two headlights
} that look like eyes? Yes, if you let one more idiot climb into the car,
} that axle will bend into a smile. And won't that look nice? Actually,
} no it won't, because the Mercer will be undriveable and worthless. Ha!
} That's what you get for refusing to let me drive it.
}
} Anyway, other strange units from the world of spell-correction include:
}
} Jewels per secundum: It's a little known fact that James Watt was an
} opportunistic thief who picked up bracelets and rings dropped by women
} he was stalking. (To suggest that he got off very lightly when he
} murdered one of them would be libellous, but you have to wonder about
} Killer-Watt's hours.)
}
} Scenty-grade: Method of classifying perfumes according to how hot they
} make you appear.
}
} Heck-tear: To bawl someone out for using even a bowdlerised form of a
} swear-word.
}
} I'm pere: Luke, I am your Father.
} I'm pair?: And I have a twin sister called Leia?
}
} Killer-meet-her: Norman Bates, this is Marion Crane.
}
} Newton-meet-her: This never happened. Isaac was famously a misogynist.
}
} Cool-Om: A suspiciously hip Buddhist monk.
}
} So, there you have it supplicant. If you want more fun facts about
} science, just watch "We need to talk about Kelvin", a story of remorse
} and forgiveness. You could say that the punch line is killer-hurts!
} Hahahahah....
}
} You owe the Oracle evidence that you are not a m/s^3 by grovelling next
} time.


1538-06    (10583 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's up, Doc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The price of duck feathers for insulating cold-weather jackets and
} comfy sleeping bags has increased over the past 50 years. Down is up.


1539-04    (03555 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish to take her out.  How may I accomplish this feat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two separate methods, depending on the situation.
}
} 1. She is the enemy. Drop a bouquet of explosive roses or three-second
} grenades. When she picks the bouquet up, she is gone.
}
} 2. She is not an enemy. Wait until she is in, and ask politely, bouquet
} of non-explosive roses in hand, for her to step outside. Unfortunately
} she will refuse, because she'll recognize you from situation number 1.


1542-07    (21375 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone used to complain about my vague questions.  Is he gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you be more specific?


1543-04    (12546 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I sometimes get an answer unrelated to my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, they're related. You just don't see it.
}
} Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
} To get to the other side.
}
} Why don't we do it in the road?
} All you need is love.
}
} Does anybody really know what time it is?
} Twenty five or six to four.
}
} Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
} I had too much to dream last night.
}
} Where have all the flowers gone?
} In Flanders fields the poppies blow...
}
} Who ya gonna call?
} BEachwood 45789
}
} You talkin' to me?
} It's more the way that you mean it
} When you tell me what will be.
}
} Why do I sometimes get an answer unrelated to my question?
} Sometimes you ask the wrong question.


1544-06    (02665 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Father George, our local priest at the Catholic church, says I should
> be more attentive to the problem of Original Sin.
>
> Well, I confess to him every week, like I'm supposed to, and often I
> make up some sins to keep him interested, because I'm not really
> sinning very much. It is getting rather boring, telling him about my
> drinking and my playing poker, when I don't actually do those things,
> and then telling him the next week about my lying to him during
> confession.
>
> So Father George is correct. I need some Original Sins. What ones do
> you recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go big or go home. When you're coming up with the most original of
} sins, there is a major need to be, well, original. Unfortunately, the
} incredible length and breadth of human history behind you makes this
} incredibly difficult. Your best bet is to take one of the major
} *existing *categories of sin, and add one of the major *intensifiers*
} of sin that would not normally go with it.
}
} For example, take a simple ACT OF THEFT but apply an extra layer of
} LOST DIGNITY. Take a PERVERSE SEXUAL ACT and tack on some OCCULT
} BEHAVIORS. Or go with the tried and true COVETING OF YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
} (x) and add a modern twist of ILL-DEFINED DIGITAL 'ABUSE'.
}
} In no time, your priest will be assigning tens or hundreds of obscure
} Latinate prayers due to... (*contemplates variables*) the time you
} stole a sex toy from a relative... in order to invoke a South Asian
} demon-spirit so that using it felt like... the shifter-handle of your
} boss' new car that you saw while stalking his Facebook.
}
} Good luck and good sinning! Well. Bad sinning. But you know what I
} mean.
}
} --In girum imus nocte et consumimur ignI--


1549-10    (13395 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's so bad about Communism? It's just about sharing everything. I
> don't have anything, and I could sure use a share of what other people
> have. Just as long as I don't have to give up my car.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad news, supplicant.  You owe the Oracle, well, you know.


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