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16 Dec 2018 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 8:10:29 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #1551-1575

Goto:
1551-1575, 1552-04, 1558-10, 1565-03, 1569-02, 1556-07, 1558-08, 1557-09, 1564-08, 1565-04, 1573-08, 1575-04


Best of Internet Oracularities #1551-1575    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: 28 Aug 2018 09:16:45 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1551 through #1575 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org to receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1552-04    (0127a dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've often wondered how Julius Caesar would do as a taxicab driver in
> New York City in 1934. He'd already speak Italian, sort of, and could
> probably pick up Yiddish and Brooklynese pretty fast.
>
> You will of course already know the answer to this and other perplexing
> questions, so there will be no need for extensive research. But just in
> case, if you happen to do research, don't forget to bring me along!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle's log, no stardate. For Zadoc and I, time does not exist. I made
} the mistake of bringing a Supplicant back in time to take Julius Caesar
} on a trip to 1934. Big mistake. Now, all Earth history has been
} changed. Upon arriving in New York City in 1934, the Supplicant went on
} a drinking bender and ran laughing into the night. In our attempt to
} find him, we lost Caesar for a time. Fate, however, intervened and
} whilst out looking for the Supplicant, we hailed a cab driven by the
} Emperor Caesar himself.
}
} SCENE: New York City, 1934. Inside a taxi driving down Broadway.
}
}     In the taxi; CAESAR driving, ZADOC and the ORACLE riding in back.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You have taken to the whole driving thing most
}     impressively Caesar. Many others would be afraid
}     for their lives.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Caesar shall forth: the things that threaten'd me
}     Ne'er look'd but on my back; when they shall see
}     The face of Caesar, they are vanished.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Here, here! Confidence is key... Hey! Whoa!
}
} The taxi swerves wildly to avoid a Brutus Delivery van weaving through
} traffic.
}
}     Wow! That guy almost hit us! We could've been killed.
}     You handle this thing like a chariot. Nice moves!
}
} CAESAR
}
}     What can be avoided
}     Whose end is purposed by the mighty gods?
}     Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions
}     Are to the world in general as to Caesar.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Are you saying you fear not death?
}     [Aside] See what I did there?
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Cowards die many times before their deaths;
}     The valiant never taste of death but once.
}     Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
}     It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
}     Seeing that death, a necessary end,
}     Will come when it will come.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Yeah, that's great Caesar. Say, Zadoc, you have
}     any sign of that Supplicant on your tricorder yet?
}
} ZADOC
}
}     There are indications of an altercation taking
}     place at a tavern just up ahead there. There are
}     temporal signs associated with the readings.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Caesar! Pull over up here.
}
} SCENE: New York City, 1934. The corner of Broadway and 15th.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     Caesar, stay with the taxi. Zadoc, come on!
}
} Upon reaching the tavern across the street and chair comes crashing
} out of the window into the street, followed moments later by the
} Supplicant.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You idiot! What do you think you're doing?
}     You do realize that all of time and space are
}     hanging in the balance over this escapade,
}     don't you?
}
} SUPPLICANT
}
}     BUUURRRRP!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Urg...
}
} The Supplicant wavers unsteadily as Zadoc and the Oracle support him.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     How foolish do your fears seem now, Oracle?!
}     I am ashamed I did yield to them.
}     Give me my robe, for I will go.
}
} Caesar begins to cross the street to assist the Oracle. Unseen by the
} emperor, another Brutus Delivery van is speeding down the street.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Good friends, go in, and taste some wine with me;
}     And we, like friends, will straightway go together.
}
} The Oracle sees Brutus charging down on Caesar and makes to rescue him.
} The Supplicant, however, purposely sticks his foot out, tripping the
} Oracle. As the Oracle falls, he just has time to see Brutus nearly atop
} the emperor.
}
} CAESAR
}
}     Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar.
}
} Caesar is truck by the Brutus Delivery van.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You deliberately stopped me, Supplicant!
}     I could have saved him! Do you know what
}     you just did!?
}
} ZADOC
}
}     He has no clue, Oracle.
}
} As Zadoc releases his support, the Supplicant slumps to the ground in a
} drunken stupor.
}
} SCENE: Modern day alien landscape surrounded by roman-esque ruins. The
} Oracle and Zadoc leap back out of the Guardian.
}
} OG
}
}     What happen? You just leave.
}
} Supplicant leaps out of the Guardian.
}
} ZADOC
}
}     We were successful.
}
} GUARDIAN
}
}     Time has resumed... a shape.
}     Some things are as they were before.
}     Many such journeys are possible.
}     Let me be your gateway.
}
} SUPPLICANT
}
}     You will, of course, already know my answer.
}     Dude, let's totally do another one!
}     That was so freakin' awesome!
}
} The Oracle reaches inside his cloak and slowly turns to face the
} Supplicant, smiling.
}
} ORACLE
}
}     You owe the Oracle...  ZOT!


1558-10    (0236c dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A $100,000 for your thoughts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 101 thoughts the Oracle has during the day.
}
} 1 Wow, how much did I drink last night?
} 2 A lot, that's for sure.
} 3 Not enough to forget though.
} 4 I'm an omniscient being; how can I ever forget?
} 5 DEAR GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME FORGET?
} 6 Ahem. Better get out of bed I suppose.
} 7 Not just yet, though.
} 8 Perhaps if I wait long enough the questions will answer themselves.
} 9 They won't will they?
} 10 Damn.
} 11 Left leg out of bed.
} 12 Right leg out of bed.
} 13 Stand up.
} 14 What was that noise?
} 15 Oh, just my knees, never mind.
} 16 Walk to bathroom.
} 17 Shower.
} 18 Where's Zadoc with my breakfast?
} 19 Oh, he's still asleep.
} 20 Doesn't he look so peaceful lying there?
} 21 Yes.
} 22 OY ZADOC! WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUM!
} 23 Why does Zadoc put up with this?
} 24 Because he worships me.
} 25 Hmm, breakfast not bad. Must remember to thank Zadoc.
} 26 Not just now, though, it'd only make him happy.
} 27 A happy Zadoc is a distracted Zadoc.
} 28 Right, down to business.
} 29 Check e-mails.
} 30 Wow, 1,251,487 questions. Is that a record?
} 31 No.
} 32 Filter for woodchuck questions and apply auto-ZOT.
} 33 Filter for questions about Lisa and send random Playboy article.
} 34 Still 34,910 questions left.
} 35 Filter for lack of grovel and send humourous put-down.
} 36 Filter for people who need Oracle system support and advise them to
}    post their database password on StackOverflow.
} 37 Only 17 questions left.
} 38 Look up Star-Wars references.
} 39 Look up British cricket references.
} 40 Write script for "The Umpire Strikes Back" set in Lords Vaders'
}    Cricket Ground, by A.P. Lucas.
} 41 Look up list of types of vegetable.
} 42 Hope that the supplicant isn't Donald Trump.
} 43 Realise he wouldn't understand the joke anyway.
} 44 Look up entire works of Flanders and Swann.
} 45 Listen to entire back-catalogue of Flanders and Swann.
} 46 Look up names of Viennese orchestral players from the 18th century.
} 47 Is this answer is going to be too esoteric?
} 48 Yes.
} 49 Do I care about that?
} 50 No.
} 51 Why are the remaining questions all about Liza?
} 52 Probably a spelling error.
} 53 Caused by one-handed typing.
} 54 Send remaining supplicants Playboy article. By Isaac Asimov.
} 55 Wait a minute, one last question to deal with.
} 56 I'm being offered how much?
} 57 In actual money?
} 58 For just typing out my thoughts?
} 59 Might as well, what have I got to lose?
} 60 Here goes, then.
} 61 Write all the numbers from 1 to 101.
} 62 Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).
} 63 Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun.
} 64 Oh no, not an ear-worm again.
} 65 Listen to Bohemian Rhapsody to block it out.
} 66 Done.
} 67 Right, down to business.
} 68 What did I do this morning?
} 69 Oh, yes.
} 70 Describe getting up.
} 71 Skip description of me in shower with Lisa.
} 72 Make up some numbers about how many questions I have to answer.
} 73 Inflate them a lot; supplicants mustn't assume I'm lazy.
} 74 Put in a few details about typical questions.
} 75 Make up some bizarre answers without specifying questions.
} 76 How many more thoughts do I have to write?
} 77 Forty-five.
} 78 Damn.
} 79 Double-damn.
} 80 Hang on, I need to describe answering this question, don't I?
} 81 Won't that end up in a weird loop?
} 82 Nah, probably not.
} 83 Let's start and see what happens.
} 84 OK, seems to be all right so far.
} 85 Not many thoughts to go now.
} 86 Oh. I seem to have caught up with myself.
} 87 Help.
} 88 What comes next?
} 89 Can't I just skip the details?
} 90 Not without actually answering the question first, no.
} 91 Which requires writing down everything I think.
} 92 Hang on, that just describes answering this question.
} 93 Good, I'm out of the loop.
} 94 Wait a minute, the supplicant didn't grovel, did they?
} 95 I should have just ZOT-ted it straight away, then.
} 96 But they did offer money.
} 97 Which they are going to send me, how?
} 98 Oh, I'm sure they'll manage somehow.
} 99 If not, I know where they live.
} 100 Oh, look, number 100. Nearly there.
} 101 Press Send.


1565-03    (00548 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a crash course in legalese.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} abatement of action--an action that has been abated
} accord and satisfaction--Rolling stones song about a Honda
} amicus curiae--curious friend
} attachment--file hung onto an email
} bench trial--testing a long short chair
} breach--baby born feet first
} certiorari--see certiorari
} chambers--1970's movie star
} charge--fill a battery
} concurrent jurisdiction--confusion of legal responsibility
} defamation--anything anyone says to or about Donald Trump
} discovery--The Americas, et al.
} et al--"and the rest" (from Gilligan's Island theme song)
} ex post facto--former truth about a wooden fence part
} extraordinary writ--write spelled incorrectly
} garnishment--parsley
} hearing de novo--salsa band from Arizona
} in rem--sound asleep
} incarceration--confined to one's automobile
} jeopardy-TV game show
} lay person--see in rem
} levy--maker of 501s
} mens rea--Danny Devito
} moot--this word doesn't matter
} nolle prosequi--prosecutorial apathy
} nunc pro tunc--see ex post facto
} overt act--anything written by Shakespeare (except sonnets)
} precedent--chief executive of the UsA
} privity--outhouse
} punitive damages--alimony
} quantum meruit--just desserts
} quash--Australian racquetball
} quid pro quo--tit for tat
} ratification--species change
} rea ipsa loquitur--nobody knows what this means
} retainer--dental appliance
} sealing--asphalting roads
} statute--granite reproduction of a person
} stay--that little piece of plastic in your collar
} supersedeas--Burpee's finest product
} tort--fruit pie
} unjust enrichment--see Donald Trump
} unlawful detainer--illegal dental appliance
} waiver of immunity--failure to vaccinate your children
} writ of certiorari--moon of Alderon destroyed in chapter 4.


1569-02    (1224a dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh? Who was the first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Correct. Who's on first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-executed performance of the
} Abbott-and-Costello Hebrew Lesson.
}
} ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
} COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
}    A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and
}       English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean
}       the same thing.
}    C: Sure, I understand.
}    A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
}    C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some
}       words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
}       the same.
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
}    A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
}    C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So
}       make with the Hebrew.
}    A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
}    C: You.
}    A: No , mee.
}    C: Fine, we'll start with you.
}    A: No, we'll start with mee.
}    C: Okay, have it your way.
}    A: Now, mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: You don't understand.
}    C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
}    A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
}    C: You is Abbott.
}    A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
}    C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
}    A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
}    C: Who?
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: Precisely what?
}    A: Precisely who.
}    C: It's precisely whom!
}    A: No, mee is who.
}    C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
}    A: All right. Hu is he.
}    C: Who is he?
}    A: Yes.
}    C: I don't know. Who is he?
}    A: Sure you do. You just said it.
}    C: I just said what?
}    A: Hu is he.
}    C: Who is he?
}    A: Precisely.
}    C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
}    A: No, precisely hee.
}    C: Precisely he? Who is he?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: And what about me?
}    A: Hu.
}    C: me, me, me!
}    A: Hu, hu, hu!
}    C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
}    A: No, hu is he!
}    C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
}    A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
}    C: Do his parents know about this?
}    A: About what?
}    C: About her!
}    A: What about her?
}    C: That she is he!
}    A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
}    C: Then who is he?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: Who?
}    A: He!
}    C: Me?
}    A: Hu!
}    C: He?
}    A: She!
}    C: Who is she?
}    A: No, hu is he.
}    C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
}    A: No, that's not right.
}    C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I
}       said it, and I know me.
}    A: Hu.
}    C: Who?
}    A: Precisely!
}    C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
}    A: No, hee is she!
}    C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little
}       Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
}    A: Go ahead.
}    C: Now first You want to know me is who.
}    A: Correct.
}    C: And then you say who is he.
}    A: Absolutely.
}    C: And then you tell me he is she.
}    A & C: Precisely!
}    C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he
}       is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
}    A: Who?
}    C: She!
}    A: That is he!
}    C: Who is he?
}    A & C: Precisely!
}    C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.
}       You know what I want? Ma!
}    A: What.
}    C: I said Ma.
}    A: What.
}    Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
}    A: What!
}    C: Not what, who!
}    A: He!
}    C: Not he! Ma is not he!
}    A: Of course not! Hu is he!
}    C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,
}       he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
}       play with my dog.
}    A: Fish.
}    C: Fish?
}    A: Dag is fish.
}    C: That's all, I'm outa here.


1556-07    (11468 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meet sexy singles in your area for FREE! Connect App is like no app
> > on<br /= the market! Find singles based on topics you choose and you
> > will know <br =
> />you have similar interests! No more 40 page questionnaires. Texting
> is FR= EE!<br /><br />Start connecting today!&nbsp;&nbsp;  <a
> _src=3D"http://www.m= eetseksymates.ru:8217/"
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/">http://ww=
> w.meetseksymates.ru:8217/</a>&nbsp; <br /><br />Now available for FREE
> on iP= hone and Android.<br /><br />Download the app today!&nbsp; <a
> _src=3D"http:= //www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/"
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/">ht=
> tp://www.meetseksymates.ru:8217/</a>&nbsp; <br />
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p>=A1=A1</p>
> <p><br /><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD= </font></a><br /><a
> href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font size=
> =3D"1">DDD</font></a></p>
> <p><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD</font=
> > </a></p>
> <p><a href=3D"http://www.meetseksymates.ru:8817/"><font
> size=3D"1">DDD</font=
> > </a></p>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this IS an interesting question!  Thank you, mortal, for making
} my otherwise dreary day more enjoyable by giving me such a devious and
} well devised cryptogramic question.
}
} Now, lessee... first, run this through a sanitizing program to remove
} the fluff meant to misdirect those who might try to decipher such a
} message without truly knowing how.
}
} C:\Utilities\Defluff.exe question.txt  /lvl=1 /attempts=15
} /crypto=DES4096
}
} processing...
} 10% complete
} 20% complete
} 22% complete
} 84% complete
} Completed.  Results in answer.txt
}
} Ok, great.  Now, to take answer.txt and convert that to binary.
}
} C:\Utilities\TxtToBin.com answer.txt -o binary.txt
} Processing...complete.
}
} Ok, now to take THAT result, and switch back to EBCDIC.
}
} C:\Utilities\Bin2EBCDIC answer.bin
} processing... complete.
}
} Great!  Ok, now let's read the REAL question:
}
} Dear Oracle,
} Help!  I'm being held captive by a Nigerian Prince with a large supply
} of cheap Viagra alternatives!  How can I escape??
} Love, Bill Nye, The Science Guy
}
} Great Scott!  Ok Bill, calm down.  The answer is easy if you take it
} logically.  Next time he approaches, discuss the graphic qualities of a
} nude Hillary Clinton.  Once the shock hits him, overpower him and
} escape through the window on your left.  NO, your other left!  Once
} free and before you leave the compound, look for and destroy every
} single computer you find.  Then, relay your coordinates to the United
} States Missile Command.  Explain your situation, then run like hell.
} You'll have about 23 minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more advanced operating system.


1558-08    (01697 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me write my grant proposal.
>
> I'm researching dinosaurs (not "dinosours" like my semi-precocious
> nephew Balph spells them) and need to get money from the Federal
> Government because nobody else would ever be willing to pay for someone
> to write about the gaseous aspects of the digestive processes of big,
> dead, extinct lizards. Yes, dinosaur farts.
>
> To get the money, my grant proposal will have to mention Climate Change
> (formerly known as Anthropogenic Global Warming).  That's an unspoken
> but absolute requirement that all of us scientists know about. Silly,
> but true.
>
> Now I can't just go and claim that dinosaurs ran on internal combustion
> engines, and that their resulting smelly, diesel exhausts caused
> the climate to change in various ways over the past 800 umptillion
> years. Or anything else so transparently ridiculous.
>
> Or can I?
>
> What wording will best get me my money but not make me look like a
> total idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grant Proposal to the Federal Government
}
} Outline of proposed research
} ----------------------------
}
} We intend to investigate the potential for replacement of our
} current primary meat-product, beef, by bio-engineered reptiles. It
} is well known that cattle, via methane production from their
} digestive processes, are responsible for 18% more greenhouse-gas
} production than our transport network. We propose that reptiles,
} specifically dinosaurs, will contribute less than cattle due to
} their different digestion systems and reduced metabolism.
}
} In order to determine the potential for this, we shall need to
} consider three main factors:
}
} 1. The typical diet of a dinosaur. For example, if it turns out that
} the food eaten by the dinosaur itself produces more methane than
} the dinosaur, this will increase the overall carbon footprint of the
} scheme. We note, for instance, that the class of dinosaurs known
} as raptors typically eat cattle (in under 30 seconds in one
} well-documented example), and so would not be suitable. The chosen
} diet may also affect methane production.
}
} 2. The infrastructure required to house dinosaurs. The facilities
} will of necessity be complex and require significant technological
} and human resources to ensure the safe containment of these
} dinosaurs. We propose that a small Pacific island can be used for
} this. If larger-scale production is found viable, we propose using
} Australia. They're used to dangerous animals there.
}
} 3. Of some concern, and possibly subsidiary to (2), is the
} greenhouse emissions of any vehicles which end up being chased by
} dinosaurs. We hope that this will be found to be a minor
} contributing factor, as will methane production by any humans in the
} vehicle.
}
} Researchers
} -----------
}
} Dr Alan Grant, well-known for his research into fossilized dinosaurs.
} Dr Ellie Sattler, well-known for her work on Jurassic grasses.
}
} Technical support will be provided by Mr Dennis Nedry, who is
} already employed as our computer system-administrator.
}
} Resources
} ---------
}
} In the preliminary investigation we shall not need to actually clone
} dinosaurs, but we envisage that this may become necessary at a later
} stage for experimental verification.
}
} In the early stages, we shall only need salaries for academics and
} support staff, at around $200,000 per annum, including overheads. In
} the case of actual cloning being necessary, we shall need around
} $450m per annum for laboratories, security and technical staff, and
} facilities to house the dinosaurs.
}
} Deliverables
} ------------
}
} At the end of the first year we shall produce a report regarding the
} viability of dinosaurs as a replacement meat-source for the whole of
} the USA. Depending on the outcome of this report, we shall then
} proceed to the second stage, cloning around 250 dinosaurs on a small
} island. We envisage this will be completed in around 18 months.
} The second deliverable will be samples of dinosaur meat to be tested
} for suitability for human consumption by the FDA.
}
} ------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to access grant committees' money just by
} saying the magic word.


1557-09    (05178 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come no one ever dies in this movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a documentary about manufacturing crayons.
} What kind of sicko are you?


1564-08    (033b7 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Still trying to figure out how to convert from square degrees
> Fahrenheight to cubic seconds. None of the usual conversion factors
> seem to work. There has to be some way to do this, or else my physics
> homework problem will be wrong.
>
> And don't go and tell me to re-read the original problem. I did that
> already.
>
> Oops. I think I invertolated one of the terms.
>
> No matter, answer my question anyway. I'm sure you are smart enough to
> figure out what I need, disregardless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant-ish,
}
} This is pretty simple
}
} 1) Convert square degrees Farhenheight to square degrees Fahrenwidth
}    by pushing it over and dividing by 0.35.
} 2) Convert that to square degrees Calvin (for simplicity) by adding
}    Bradbury's constant, 451 (being careful not to set yourself on fire).
} 3) Now, here you can go one of two ways... either square degrees
}    Calvin to square degrees Hobbes, or stuff the whole thing in a Klein
}    bottle.   A lot of people go from Calvin to Klein, but Calvin to
}    Hobbes is much easier, and you don't have to turn your face inside
}    out to do it.   To convert from Calvin to Hobbes, just make funny
}    noises at dinner.
} 4) Now that you've converted to square degrees Hobbes, you have to
}    jump into a cardboard box and transmogrify it to cubic seconds
}    Hobbes.  You might see a dinosaur while you do this, but don't get
}    too close and you'll be OK.
} 5) From here you go backwards... cubic seconds Hobbes to cubic seconds
}    Calvin by pretending you're not a stuffed animal.   This should be
}    relatively easy, unless you really are a stuffed animal.   If you
}    are, I'm kind of impressed with your typing skills.
} 6) From cubic seconds Calvin you go back to cubic seconds Farhrenwidth
}    by climbing into your tree fort and recite an oath (of your choosing)
}    with a mouthful of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs.
} 7) Here's the hard part... To convert from cubic seconds Farthenwidth
}    to cubic seconds Farhenheight you have to have 1238 of your closest
}    friends, and 3 of your closest enemies to help push it back up again
}    while at the same time multiplying by 2 and humming.
}
} Voila!  Converted to cubic seconds Farhenheight.   Like I said...
} simple.
}
} You owe the Oracle the original slider rule.


1565-04    (02366 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you say, "Watch the sheeps," or "Wash the sheets"? How can I know
> which is which?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sheep are the ones that object when you try to make them fit into
} the washing machine.


1573-08    (02193 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As everyone knows, you are T. Internet Oracle, and I am J. Random
> Supplicant.
>
> Furthermore, we all know that the "T" in your name stands for "The".
>
> What the hell does the "J" in my name represent? Idiots everywhere are
> curious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.
}
} You are slow.
} You sometimes freeze and stutter for no reason.
} When you get confused, you start yelling a ton of meaningless garbage.
} When you arrive, you bring with you a bunch of difficult to get rid of
} parasites.
} Everyone considers you a big security risk.
}
} It should be obvious that you, supplicant, are written in Java.


1575-04    (01474 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, I live in Dullest, Texas.
>
> I know you'll be thinking that either I mean DALLAS or that I live in
> the Dulles Airport near DC.
>
> No. I live out where there is NOTHING but Texas. Flat Texas. Flat,
> boring Texas.
>
> Please give me a list of ten ways to make Texas less boring. Don't
> include floods or hurricanes. Or paint. Paint fades real fast here in
> the bright Texas sun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Rechamber all your guns to .22 caliber. This will make their bore
}    smaller.
}
} 2) Stop boring for oil.
}
} 3) Remove all repetitive excercises from the school curriculum. There
}    are called drills for a reason.
}
} 4) Especially in boreding schoools.
}
} 5) Expel anybody who ever bore the brunt of anything.
}
} 6) To Borneo, preferably.
}
} 7) Invest in treatment programs for the Bohring-Opitz syndrome.
}
} 8) Keep an all-year open season for boars.
}
} 9) Promote boron-free glass and insecticides.
}
} 10) Ask more interesting questions.


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