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Best of Internet Oracularities #201-250

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201-250, 202-06, 229-10, 244-01, 201-05, 237-07, 207-07, 229-01, 236-08, 248-04


Best of Usenet Oracularities #201-250    (4.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 May 91 10:30:04 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #201
through #250 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.


202-06    (00035 dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!  You gave me a shitty answer!  Take This!
>                                 _
>                                / \
>                               |\_/|
>                               |---|
>                               |   |
>                               |   |
>                             _ |=-=| _
>                         _  / \|   |/ \
>                        / \|   |   |   ||\
>                       |   |   |   |   | \>
>                       |   |   |   |   |   \
>                       | -   -   -   - |)   )
>                       |                   /
>                        \                 /
>                         \               /
>                          \             /
>                           \           /
>                            |         |
>                            |         |
>                            |         |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your prompt payment.
}                              _       _
}                          _  / \     / \
}                         / \|   |   |   ||\
}                        |   |   |   |   | \>
}                        |   |   |___|   |   \
}                        | -   -   -   - |)   )
}                        |                   /
}                         \                 /
}                          \               /
}                           \             /
}                            \           /
}                             |         |
}                             |         |
}                             |         |


229-10    (00339 dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does smoking cause brain damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with
} multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge.
}
} 1)  No.  Brain damage causes smoking.
} 2)  No.  Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first.
} 3)  No  iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane
}     yet.
} 4)  No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe
}     does.
} 5)  No, as long as it's done by other people in other places.
} 6)  No.  By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead.
} 7)  No, unless your dad catches you.
} 8)  No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium.
} 9)  No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof
}     (*guffaw*).
} 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people.  People brain damage
}     people, by manufacturing cigarettes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol.


244-01    (00225 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do it discretely but not continuously.


201-05    (10055 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh wise and superglue-sniffing Oracle, tell me:
>
>       Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way?
}
} You've obviously been playing too many of those adventure games from
} Infocom!
}
} The one to which you are referring, I believe, deals with computer
} programming.  Called "Wizard Simulator", it is about a huge
} macrocomputer that starts to simulate the real world.  Unfortunately,
} the simulated world includes itself and thousands of people, including
} you, who you must release somehow into the real world.
}
} Let me boot this program on my PC and see if I can help you...
}
} <rrrrrt fnk fnk fnk fnk>
}
} OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE
} You stand in a field of cubicles.  As far as you can see, there neat
} rows of offices with no tops and no privacy.  Your office is to the
} East.  The restroom is to the West.  A water cooler stands here,
} complete with Dixie cups.
}
} > GO WEST.
}
} INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE
} This cramped office holds a chair, personal workstation, and several
} manuals.  Outside your cubicle, your boss walks by.  The workstation is
} off.
}
} > TURN WORKSTATION ON.
}
} I do not know how to turn a workstation.
}
} > TURN ON WORKSTATION.
}
} Your sexual advances are ignored by the workstation.
}
} > PRESS START BUTTON ON WORKSTATION.
}
} I do not know the word 'button'.  Your boss walks by your cubicle.
}
} > ON.
}
} What would you like to on?
}
} > WORKSTATION
}
} You are now on top of your workstation, crouching just under the low
} ceiling.  Up here, where you have never noticed before, is a small vent
} leading upwards.
}
} > GO UP.
}
} A fierce green snake bars your way!
}
} > KILL SNAKE WITH MANUAL.
}
} You take the manual.  You swat the snake with the manual, but it does
} not seem to do any good.  Your boss walks by your cubicle.  "Hey you
} idiot, what the hell are you doing?"  Your boss takes out a cattle prod
} and leans over to zap you!!
}
} * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * *
} Score 0 out of a possible 355.
}
} Hmm.  The Oracle is kind of stuck here, too.  I suggest moving the water
} cooler into your office and standing on it holding the workstation.
} Your boss won't dare zap you when you are carrying such an expensive
} piece of equipment.  Instead, he will miss you and hit the snake.  Good
} luck!
}
} The Oracle suggests you try this in real life before risking your
} character in the game.


237-07    (01247 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Zeno's Paradox?
> If you don't know don't answer at all!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows:  I'll give you half of
} the answer to your question --
}
} > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion
} > does not exist.  The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this:
} > Suppose we want to move from point A to point B.  We do so by moving
} > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p
}
} Then half of the remaining answer to your question --
}
} > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between
} > there and B, and so on and so on.  As you can see, since t
}
} And half of the next part --
}
} > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and
}
} And the next part --
}
} >  point B, we never get to point
}
} And the next --
}
} > B.  Hence, motio
}
} And the next --
}
} > n is imp
}
} And so on --
}
} > ossi
}
} And so on --
}
} > bl
}
} And so on --
}
} > e
}
} See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right?
}
} QED.


207-07    (00435 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to
> use the ++ operator.  What can I do to restore my talents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, you have got to apologise!  The Muse was round my
} place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood!  What
} on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great
} language?  I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you?
}
} There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few
} friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you
} understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...)
}
} 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter).
}     Trash all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND
}     prefix operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life).
}     Get the fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to
}     compile and execute the following program 32767 times:
}
}    #include <apologies.h>
}    #include <abasement.h>
}    #include <Muse/favourite_toys.h>
}    #include <Muse/sexy_underwear.h>
}    #include <Muse/ice_cream.h>
}    #define FAULT mine
}    #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD
}    #define CRAWL_NO 256
}    main(argc, argv)
}    int argc;
}    char **argv;
}    {
}       int crawling=0;
}       for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) {
}                                               /* THATS how you use */
}           abase(ME);                          /* ++ (postfix ...)  */
}           castigate(ME);
}           humble(ME);
}           humiliate(ME,whip(),beat());
}           buy(expensive_toy());
}           buy(leatherwear());
}           buy(choc_chip_ice_cream());
}           buy(red_roses(12));
}       }
}       printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!\n");
}       printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse.  Truly sorry!\n",
}              my_name());
}    }
}
} 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint
}     the bald patches red.  Stand out in the snow until you turn blue
}     underneath.  Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming!
}     I apologise!  Please, please, please come back!  I promise I won't
}     complain when you beat me at Tetris!  I'll do anything for you!  I
}     was a bad bad bad boy!  I'll never even look at another programming
}     language again!  Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me!  It was
}     all a mistake!  I'll do anything!"  If you're lucky, she'll come
}     back.  And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were
}     discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning,
}     and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ...
}
} 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your
}     last program together - she likes hairy coding.
}
} 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get
}     everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman.  Don't worry
}     if you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never
}     stopped the religious evangalists in the past ...
}
} 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24
}     days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of
}     cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game
}     of nethack.  Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's
}     version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible
}     handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me,
}     here.  If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse
}     to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project.
}
} Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going
}  by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride.  She was
}  considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty
}  adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well,
}  C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait
}  just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry.
} Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the
}  net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing
}  fingers up to the wrist.
}
} Good luck, and may you make the right decisions!
}
} You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and
}  compiles down to a single NOP every single time.  And a banana.


229-01    (01365 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I be Lisa for just a day?  Please, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  *poof*  OK, now you're Lisa.  My goodness, what large ...
} Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you:
}
} 07:30am:  Wake up
}
} 07:45am:  Shower, apply makeup.  Decide that you hate makeup, change.
}
} 08:20am:  Get dressed.  Decide you hate clothing choices, change.
}
} 09:07am:  Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment.  You've
}   brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't
}   _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for
}   the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case
}   the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you.
}
} 10:22am:  He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was
}   out of reach.  After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you
}   that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that
}   the visit cost you $127.22.
}
} 11:30am:  Lunch, early.  Deflect pass from computer science dweeb.  At
}   least, you assume it was a pass:  He came up, tried to speak (but
}   only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so
}   badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your
}   shoes.
}
} 1:00pm:  Study in library.  Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends
}   to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh.
}   You move.  He follows.  You leave library.  He follows, but is
}   distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter
}   skirt.
}
} 2:30pm:  Drop off project in TA's office.  He tells your breasts (why
}   do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the
}   project unless you gave him something to remember you by.  You
}   inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently
}   memorable.  He turns red, muttering how women have no sense
}   of humor.  You leave.
}
} 2:45pm to 6:45pm:  Work on next project in terminal room.  Excepting
}   stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without
}   women, you decide), you are undisturbed.
}
} 7:30pm:  You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend
}   cancelling date.  You start running a bath.
}
} 7:50pm:  You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his
}   plans fell through and could you two still get together?  With
}   a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub.
}
} 8:45pm:  He arrives, you leave for dinner.
}
} 10:00pm:  You return after a pleasant dinner.  Necking on couch
}   follows.
}
} 10:15pm:  Complete undress achieved.
}
} 10:30pm:  He falls asleep.  You consider, but reject the vibrator
}   as being too noisy, and run a bath instead.
}
} 11:15pm:  You fall asleep.
}
} *poof*  See, now wasn't that fun?  We have a special _seven day_
} package, if you're interested.  Hello?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."


236-08    (11449 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with
> dental agony,
>
> I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years.  Is it worth it to go in,
> or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental
> floss once and for all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques:  A Field Study by the Oracle,
} MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides.
}
} One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental
} checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date.
} This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people
} found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving
} those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests.  Those for whom the Breathalyzer
} machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects.
}
} Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental
} checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B
} (twelve-gauge).  The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects
} did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the
} experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were
} administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of
} the entire experiment.
}
} Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times
} afterwards, as appropriate.
}
} Criteria               Method A                Method B
} --------               --------                --------
} patient expressed      yes, quite loudly       patients' expressions
}   pain during                                    were priceless during
}   treatment                                      treatment
} patient requested      yes, quite loudly       patient seemed too
}   painkillers                                    surprised to react
}   during treatmen
} patient was able       yes, some left early    patients were kept for
}   go home same day                               further supervision
} patient expressed      yes, there were         no patient spoke out
}   negative feelings      complaints              against their
}   about treatment                                treatment
}   afterwards
} patient mentioned      no such comments        all patients sat in
}   looking forward to                             chair, quietly
}   next treatment                                 looking forward
} mortality rate         zero percent            102 percent (one
}   within a week                                  experimenter was
}                                                  accidentally shot)
} lawsuits filed         three                   forty-four
}   within a week
}
} As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in
} almost all respects.  Method B is less expensive, much simpler and
} quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient.
} Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a
} "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that
} is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS.
}
} You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing.


248-04    (00595 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard aphids are born pregnant.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes indeed.  This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized
} facts about the Animal Kingdom.  Some others are:
}
} 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have
} the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded
} (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such
} digestive irregularities.)
}
} 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous
} oxide.  Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve
} dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side
} benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better
} understood.
}
} 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French,
} Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord).
} The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is
} due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first
} human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler.
}
} 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain
} streams to spawn.  They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their
} spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on
} network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught
} dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water.
}
} Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience
} Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead:
} it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM.


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