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Best of Internet Oracularities #276-300

Goto:
276-300, 293-03, 285-06, 285-10, 290-09, 297-08, 286-07, 288-04


Best of Usenet Oracularities #276-300    (4.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 91 16:08:28 -0500

*** As far as I can tell, this edition of the "Best of the Usenet
*** Oracularities" never made it onto rec.humor.funny.  It was accepted
*** but may have gotten dropped or forgotten somewhere along the line.
*** So, I'm posting it here for everyone's enjoyment.           -kinzler

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #276
through #300 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.


293-03    (0033b dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did the Tibetan monk say to the hot dog vendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred
} one block south of Times Square in July 1988.
}
}     Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today?  Footlong
}                     with the works?  I said, what can I get
}                     for ya today?  Hey, ya wanna hot dog or
}                     not?  Listen if yer not going to order
}                     willya move on, I gotta business to run.
}                     Stop starin' at me, man.  And wipe that
}                     silly grin off yer face.  Say something,
}                     dammit, yer givin' me the creeps.  Hey,
}                     I get it.  Ya don't any English, do ya?
}                     Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot
}                     dogs, uh, perros calientes.  Okay, fine!
}                     just stand there.  See if I care.  Just
}                     don't scare away the customers.  Jeez.
}                     Forget it.  Ya wanna Coke?  Coca-cola?
}                     I don't care where yer from, ya gotta
}                     understand "Coca-cola".  Coca-cola?
}                     Stop smiling.  People'll think yer up
}                     to something.  Hey, I got all-beefs,
}                     beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish
}                     sausage, and kielbasa.  You can get
}                     ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish,
}                     pickles, or onions on them.  I've got
}                     plain and whole grain buns.  I don't
}                     care what you want, just order something
}                     or leave.  I'm serious, man, if you don't
}                     go away, I'll call the cops and have them
}                     arrest you for loitering.  Jesus Christ,
}                     will you stop staring at me!  STOP IT!
}                     At least blink once in a while.  You're
}                     driving me crazy!  You wanna Coke?  Wait,
}                     no, I already tried that.  Listen, man,
}                     I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at
}                     me.  I gotta gun under the counter.  I'll
}                     use it.  I mean it.  STOP STARING AT ME!
}                     STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
}                     YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!  AAAAARGH!
}                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!  PLEASE LOOK
}                     AWAY!  HERE!  OKAY!  I'M MAKING YOU A
}                     HOT DOG FOR FREE!  TAKE IT!  EAT IT!
}                     JUST GO AWAY!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
}                     YOU WANNA COKE?  OKAY!  HERE'S A COKE!
}                     IT'S ON THE HOUSE!  NOW PLEASE GO AWAY!
}                     I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!  YOUR
}                     EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!  PLEASE
}                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!
}
}             Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show
}             his teeth.  At that moment the hot dog vendor was
}             enlightened.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better koan.  And a new deli.


285-06    (00344 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so what do I do????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, my.  Five words, eight question marks.  You must like punctuation
} more than you like writing.  No matter, I _like_ writing.
}
} WELCOME TO THE ORACULAR VERSION OF "WHAT'S MY LINE?" THE INTERNET'S
} FAVORITE GAME SHOW.  HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE ORACLE.
}
} (applause)
}
} Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line".  Please meet the
} distinguished members of our panel:
}
} Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added
} peppers to their hot dogs.  Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber.
}
} (applause)
}
} (singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a
} terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to
} stay on my toes.
}
} Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks", David Lynch.
}
} (applause)
}
} The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life.  Are
} there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over?
}
} Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates.
}
} (applause)
}
} The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from
} Windows.  You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't
} file suit first.
}
} Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf.
}
} (applause)
}
} Thank you John, I mean Oracle.  It's true that the quality of mercy is
} not strained.  These days, its pureed.
}
} Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please.
}
} (scribble scribble)
}
} Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or
} No.  We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber:
}
} (singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's one down and nine to go.  Mr Lynch:
}
} Damn, that's good singing!  Are you employed in something which requires
} very little training, then?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman.  Are you?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's two down and eight to go.  Mr Gates:
}
} My question is in beta test and will be available during the third
} quarter.
}
} Oracle:  That's three down and seven to go.  Mr. Cerf:
}
} Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's four down and six to go.  Back to you, Mr. Webber.
}
} (singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of
} travel?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's five down and five to go.  Mr Lynch:
}
} Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being
} created by an otherwise bored computer geek.  Get his address in case we
} need some odd character for the season finale.  Does your work involve
} driving a vehicle?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's six down and four to go.  Mr. Gates:
}
} Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have
} released a patch to version 1.0 of his question.  Are you a computer
} saleswoman?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's seven down and three to go.  Mr. Cerf:
}
} Your typing sounds familiar.  Didn't I see you on the Letterman show?
}
} Guest:  Yes and No.
}
} Oracle:  We'll interpret that as a yes.
}
} Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's eight down and two to go.  Mr. Webber:
}
} (singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's nine down and one to go.  Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your
}        question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to
}        withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel.  That's ten down
}        and none to go.  Mystery guest, would you identify yourself,
}        please.
}
} Guest:  I'm Dan Quayle.
}
} Panel:  Who?
}
} Oracle:  That's all the time we have today.  Thank you for tuning in and
}        tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line".
}
} (applause)
}
} GUEST ACCOMODATIONS BY FDDI, THE 100 MEGABIT AIRLINE.  WHEN YOU WANT AN
} OPEN CHANNEL TO ANYWHERE, JUST ASK YOUR NETWORK MANAGER TO BOOK YOU ON
} FDDI.
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show.


285-10    (00425 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wise one,
>   My school just built a new athletic building.  What is its scriptural
>   significance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scriptural significance?   Hmm. . . let me check.  The only scriptural
} database I have is on an old Apple //e.  I think I can download it.
}
}  $ ftp apple.hayes.oracle.god
}  TCP Wollongong FTP server ready (0.0.00.0) 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93
}  Connection established
}  (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.)
}  APPLE.HAYES.ORACLE.GOD> LO ORACLE
}   Enter password:
}  (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991  04:31:24.93 GST)
}  ] pr#3
}  ] run
}  Wholly Holy -- the Biblical Processor
}  Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises
}  Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc.
}
}  Hallelujah!> help
}  Press "B" to Begin reading
}  Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off
}  Press "O" for additional Options
}  Press "Q" to Quit
}  Press "S" to initiate Search
}  Press "T" to Tithe
}  Press "V" for random inspirational Verse
}  Hallelujah!> S
}  Enter string to search for: athletic
}  Enter books to search (<RET> for all, ? for help):
}  Searching:
}
}  Numbers 23:21:  "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings,
}                   and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the
}                   number of athletes shall be seventy times seven.
}                   And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat
}                   they shall serveth the Lord."
}
}  Matthew 2:37:  "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic,
}                  and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and
}                  twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not
}                  athletic, . . ."
}
}  II John 4:2:  "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this
}                 loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth
}                 you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic
}                 supporter.'"
}
}  3 references found.  Search Apocrypha?  (Y/N): Y
}
}  Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes
}               will come to this athletic building to sweat unto
}               the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be
}               seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again,
}               but the number of the buildings shall be just one."
}
}  1 additional reference found.
}  Hallelujah!> Q
}  Amen.
}
}  ] init
}  Connection closed by remote.
}  FTP> ^Z
}  $ lo
}
}    ORACLE    logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93
}
} Well, there, you have it.  I'd search the Koran and the Torah for
} you, but alt.religions is down right now.


290-09    (01558 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me,
>
> Why is it that every time a female describes her relationship
> with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life
} of 26 minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator.


297-08    (01386 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wonders,
>      I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy.  What does our future look
> like?  Children?  Money?  Affairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal.  Your
} inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but
} trouble for you.  You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How
} are the wedding invitations coming?  Envelopes?  Stamps?  Post?" Later,
} after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after
} being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two.  "Honey, where
} are my socks?  Argyle?  Sweat?  Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only
} go downhill from there.  "Cathy, why don't we have any friends?  Turtle?
} Banana?  Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn.
} "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string!  Swingtown!  Megaphone?
} Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of
} strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you.  Ultimately, you
} will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled.  Your last words being,
} "Curse you Red Baron!  You and all your ugly kin!  Greenspan?  Rosebud!
} Phlegm." Hey, you asked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranean style color console television
} set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish.  (mine is on
} the fritz)


286-07    (02355 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a user is really stupid, and just can't quite grasp the concept of
> a high-density vs. a low density disk, is it OK to shoot them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but you're on the right track.  Here's how to explain it, using a
} coffee can, some water, and a gun.
}
} Fill the coffee can with water and set it on the table next to the
} user.  Tell him that this is like a high-density floppy disk, which
} can hold quite a bit of water (ie. data.  Since your user is stupid
} you may have to explicitly point this out.)
}
} Aim the gun at the can and shoot a hole in the side.  Some of the
} water will run out.  Explain that by decreasing the density of the
} metal making up the can (by introducing discontinuity,) you have
} lowered the storage capacity of said can.  Mention that a similarity
} exists between coffee cans and diskettes.
}
} Now turn to face the user.  Act like you've forgotten you're still
} holding the gun, but actually, aim it carefully at the user's
} chest.  Ask him if he understands the difference now.
}
} If he doesn't, you have a perfect legal right and moral responsibility
} to shoot him.  But try not to let him get blood on the computers.
}
} You owe the Oracle six kilowatt-hours.


288-04    (11265 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard!  Should I get a trip to Europe
> or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the
} choice will become clear...
}
}                   NeXT                 Europe
}                   ----------------     ------------------------
} voltage             110V                  220V
} storage             CD-ROM                2 bags + carryon
} operating system    UNIX/Windows          socialism
} speed               10.5 hz               2 cappuchino/day
} standard languages  C/Pascal/Fortran      no standards
} expandability       unlimited             unlikely
} M.T.B.F.            24000 hours           24 hours
} displays            VGA+                  museums, nude beaches
} networking          LAN ready             EEC
} documentation       3 volume user guide   _Foder's_
} portability         with special case     not hardly
} expected date       1992                  1992
} of obsolescence


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