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Best of Internet Oracularities #326-350

Goto:
326-350, 340-10, 338-04, 339-06, 326-02, 345-09, 348-07, 343-10


Best of Usenet Oracularities #326-350    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Dec 91 00:30:05 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #326
through #350 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line to receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.  If your site doesn't carry this newsgroup, contact
your news administrator about getting it, or see the Oracle helpfile
about getting on the Oracularities distribution list.


340-10    (00136 dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When, where, how, why, and what?
>
>                           -Guillermo P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise.
}
}                               -Oracle T.U.


338-04    (00339 dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me
>
> How much work would a network work if a network could network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand."
}
} "Where are we going?"
}
} "I am going to show you the answer to your question."
}
} "Where is the answer?"
}
} "At the end of this hallway. Come."
}
} "Is it far?"
}
} "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to
} open the doors into any of the rooms."
}
} "Why?"
}
} "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who
} have lost their minds."
}
} "How did that happen?"
}
} "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is
} a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a
} flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'"
}
} "How terrible!"
}
} "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose
} mind has seized on a question and will not let go."
}
} "What is that question?"
}
} "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound
} pounds?'"
}
} "But what does that mean?"
}
} "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness."
}
} "Where do these questions come from?"
}
} "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck
} and the demons of hell."
}
} "How do they get inside someone's head?"
}
} "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn
} you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you."
}
} "Who is behind this door?"
}
} "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew
} tax news?'"
}
} "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?"
}
} "So it is said."
}
} "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the
} question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?'
} This is what happens, is it not?"
}
} "I am afraid so."
}
} "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish
} as to become obsessed with such nonsense?"
}
} "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom."
}
} "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would
} a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?"
}
} "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions."
}
} "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a
} network work if a network could network?"
}
} "We are almost there, my child."
}
} "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a
} network could network?"
}
} "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here."
}
} "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely
} remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network
} work if a network could network?"
}
} "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter."
}
} "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a
} window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?"
}
} "I must go now."
}
} "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would
} a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry."
}
} "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work
} would a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye."
}
} "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How
} much work would a network work if a network could network?....
}
} "Oracle?....
}
} "....ORACLE....!"


339-06    (00476 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't they name planes more interesting things than F1 or 747?
> If they called the B2 the Batplane would Congress be more likely to
> fund it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well.  I see that you are using your ignorance as a shield
} against the sword of good judgement.  Perhaps a vice-presidency is in
} your future -- but that is not what you asked me, is it?
}
} The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some
} thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed
} Forces pilots.  A compromise was made by naming the aircraft
} after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office
} keyboard.
}
} There is a similar story for the naming of the 747.  Boing was
} going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department
} vetoed it.  A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle
} digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus
} disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic
} and digit-sum properties.
}
} The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane".  This had
} to be changed after a trademark dispute -- it seems that after
} the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane"
} name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic
} toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals.  The name "B2" was then
} chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress.
} Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move.


326-02    (02445 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering
> at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at
> least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even
> is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday,
> whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a
> beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance
> in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the
> keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in
> throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all
> kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite
> number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes
> him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can
> that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most
> foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy
> advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a
> cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping
> your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor
> supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is
> forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach
> place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble
> walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a
> bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about
> the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in
> all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant
> "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just
> plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a
> question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far
> beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of
> the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably
> wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a
> very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would
> imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just
> for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as
> me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might
> utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept
> anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I
> really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go
> with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a
> bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right
> now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am
> such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never
> want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now,
> hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to
> know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for
> praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you repeat the question?


345-09    (12496 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Oh Oracle most witty,
>   I cannot understand you 'cause my mind is itty-bitty.
>     Although I am unworthy, I really must inquire:
>       Is the singular of scissors sciss? and of pliers plier?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tis true you are unworthy, with this adolescent question.
}   Your poetry is awful, too, but here is a suggestion:
}     When coming up with questions, I'd appreciate your trying
}       A query on the dulcet tones of The Sound of One Plier Plying.
}         And the singular of scissors? I must keep you in the dark
}           You see, I never end a poem with any cutting remark.
}
} Your poetic license is hereby revoked.
}
} You owe the Oracle One Grecian Urn.


348-07    (01a47 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a "thet"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A "thet" ith a mathematical conthept which ith normally
} reprethented in LITHP by meanth of a litht. Tho the thet
} of all prothehthed meath in my fridge would be reprethented:
}
} (olive-loaf gizzard-whizz jalepeno-flavored-entrail-puree thpam)
}
} Thimilarly, the thet of all flattery included in your query would be:
} ()
}
} Hmm.  Well, anyhow, the betht tetht of your LITHP interpreter ith
} to thee how it reprethenth the thet of all theth that do not include
} themthelfth.  Let'th thee what happenth...
}
} (
} #! STACK OVERFLOW ERROR: You're hosed
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the++


343-10    (22458 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 7) The window next to you opens and shuts once every seventeen years.
> You would like to leave the room through its only entrance, after being
> put inside three days before the moment of freedom.  You only have with
> you a stick of length two meters (exactly), and an inchworm.  How do
> you explain the metric system in time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Master?
}
} Yes, Grasshopper.
}
}      I've been looking over this question you assigned me, and I'm
}      confused. This business about "the window." Is it a metaphor?
}
} Well done, Grasshopper. What do windows stand for?
}
}      Graphical operating systems?
}
} You remember well what you have been taught. What else do you see?
}
}      The window opens and shuts every seventeen years. The system is
}      upgraded every seventeen years, right?
}
} You must learn to be more confident, Grasshopper. Who would do such a
} thing?
}
}      Sun?
}
} No. Think before speaking.
}
}      DEC?
}
} You overlook the obvious.
}
}      IBM?
}
} Certainly, Grasshopper. What other clues are there in the question?
}
}      The person wishes to stop using the system after only three days
}      of use. That sounds like IBM to me.
}
} Most definitely, Grasshopper. What else do you see?
}
}      The stick is two meters long. This is the length of the shelf to
}      hold the manuals and the inchworm is a naive user. The person
}      must explain an IBM system to a new user in the three days before
}      he leaves for a new position.
}
} Excellent, Grasshopper. You have learned your lessons well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a walk across 20 meters of rice paper without
} leaving a trace.


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