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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When, where, how, why, and what? > >                           -Guillermo P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise. } }                               -Oracle T.U.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me > > How much work would a network work if a network could network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand." } } "Where are we going?" } } "I am going to show you the answer to your question." } } "Where is the answer?" } } "At the end of this hallway. Come." } } "Is it far?" } } "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to } open the doors into any of the rooms." } } "Why?" } } "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who } have lost their minds." } } "How did that happen?" } } "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is } a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a } flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'" } } "How terrible!" } } "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose } mind has seized on a question and will not let go." } } "What is that question?" } } "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound } pounds?'" } } "But what does that mean?" } } "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness." } } "Where do these questions come from?" } } "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck } and the demons of hell." } } "How do they get inside someone's head?" } } "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn } you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you." } } "Who is behind this door?" } } "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew } tax news?'" } } "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?" } } "So it is said." } } "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the } question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?' } This is what happens, is it not?" } } "I am afraid so." } } "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish } as to become obsessed with such nonsense?" } } "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom." } } "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would } a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?" } } "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions." } } "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a } network work if a network could network?" } } "We are almost there, my child." } } "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a } network could network?" } } "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here." } } "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely } remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network } work if a network could network?" } } "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter." } } "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a } window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?" } } "I must go now." } } "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would } a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry." } } "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work } would a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye." } } "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How } much work would a network work if a network could network?.... } } "Oracle?.... } } "....ORACLE....!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't they name planes more interesting things than F1 or 747? > If they called the B2 the Batplane would Congress be more likely to > fund it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well.  I see that you are using your ignorance as a shield } against the sword of good judgement.  Perhaps a vice-presidency is in } your future -- but that is not what you asked me, is it? } } The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some } thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed } Forces pilots.  A compromise was made by naming the aircraft } after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office } keyboard. } } There is a similar story for the naming of the 747.  Boing was } going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department } vetoed it.  A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle } digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus } disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic } and digit-sum properties. } } The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane".  This had } to be changed after a trademark dispute -- it seems that after } the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane" } name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic } toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals.  The name "B2" was then } chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress. } Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering > at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at > least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even > is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday, > whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a > beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance > in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the > keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in > throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all > kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite > number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes > him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can > that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most > foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy > advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a > cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping > your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor > supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is > forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach > place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble > walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a > bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about > the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in > all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant > "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just > plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a > question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far > beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of > the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably > wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a > very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would > imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just > for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as > me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might > utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept > anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I > really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go > with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a > bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right > now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am > such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never > want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now, > hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to > know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for > praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you repeat the question?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Oh Oracle most witty, >   I cannot understand you 'cause my mind is itty-bitty. >     Although I am unworthy, I really must inquire: >       Is the singular of scissors sciss? and of pliers plier?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tis true you are unworthy, with this adolescent question. }   Your poetry is awful, too, but here is a suggestion: }     When coming up with questions, I'd appreciate your trying }       A query on the dulcet tones of The Sound of One Plier Plying. }         And the singular of scissors? I must keep you in the dark }           You see, I never end a poem with any cutting remark. } } Your poetic license is hereby revoked. } } You owe the Oracle One Grecian Urn.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a "thet"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A "thet" ith a mathematical conthept which ith normally } reprethented in LITHP by meanth of a litht. Tho the thet } of all prothehthed meath in my fridge would be reprethented: } } (olive-loaf gizzard-whizz jalepeno-flavored-entrail-puree thpam) } } Thimilarly, the thet of all flattery included in your query would be: } () } } Hmm.  Well, anyhow, the betht tetht of your LITHP interpreter ith } to thee how it reprethenth the thet of all theth that do not include } themthelfth.  Let'th thee what happenth... } } ( } #! STACK OVERFLOW ERROR: You're hosed } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the++

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 7) The window next to you opens and shuts once every seventeen years. > You would like to leave the room through its only entrance, after being > put inside three days before the moment of freedom.  You only have with > you a stick of length two meters (exactly), and an inchworm.  How do > you explain the metric system in time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Master? } } Yes, Grasshopper. } }      I've been looking over this question you assigned me, and I'm }      confused. This business about "the window." Is it a metaphor? } } Well done, Grasshopper. What do windows stand for? } }      Graphical operating systems? } } You remember well what you have been taught. What else do you see? } }      The window opens and shuts every seventeen years. The system is }      upgraded every seventeen years, right? } } You must learn to be more confident, Grasshopper. Who would do such a } thing? } }      Sun? } } No. Think before speaking. } }      DEC? } } You overlook the obvious. } }      IBM? } } Certainly, Grasshopper. What other clues are there in the question? } }      The person wishes to stop using the system after only three days }      of use. That sounds like IBM to me. } } Most definitely, Grasshopper. What else do you see? } }      The stick is two meters long. This is the length of the shelf to }      hold the manuals and the inchworm is a naive user. The person }      must explain an IBM system to a new user in the three days before }      he leaves for a new position. } } Excellent, Grasshopper. You have learned your lessons well. } } You owe the Oracle a walk across 20 meters of rice paper without } leaving a trace.