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Best of Internet Oracularities #376-400

Goto:
376-400, 392-10, 378-01, 378-08, 394-09, 379-08, 386-09, 376-03


Best of Usenet Oracularities #376-400    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Apr 92 11:02:18 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #376
through #400 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line to receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  If your site doesn't carry this newsgroup, contact
your news administrator about starting it, or see the Oracle helpfile
about subscribing to the Oracularities distribution list.


392-10    (022af dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help i'm a bug

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poof> you're a feature!


378-01    (01397 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (cross-posted to rec.guns)
>
> What is the season, out-of-state license fee, and bag limit on ex-wives
> in the state of New Hampshire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you have to say the magic words.
}
} "Uh, abracadabra?"
}
} No, try again.
}
} "Oh, I know.  Please?"
}
} No, but you're getting closer.  Try again.
}
} "Great Oracle, please answer the question of this lowly mortal who is
}  not worthy to sniff your shoe trees."
}
} Now you got it.  I shall answer.
}
} The traditional season is late fall, after the leaves have fallen.  The
} lack of foliage makes them easier to spot.  License fees are usually
} minimal, and the limit is one ex-wife per day (although mormons are
} allowed up to three).
}
} Let us follow the brave hunter into the forest, to witness this
} exciting sport.
}
} He quietly creeps up to a tree, which looks out on a clearing.  He
} positions himself behind the tree, quiets his breathing, and gently
} pulls out the ex-wife call.  He blows into it and the sound of
} "alimony! alimony!" echos through the woods.  There!  What was that?  A
} rustling from the bushes a ways down.  He sees some sparkles of light
} and figures it may be another hunter, so he holds his fire.  But now
} the creature steps out of the cover and he can see that the sparkling
} is the diamonds given to the ungrateful bitch months before by her
} husband.  He aims and prepares to fire... but holds, as he sees she is
} not alone.  There are large, shambling forms accompanying her -
} lawyers!  It is not unexpected for an ex-wife in the wild to be
} surrounded by one or more of these parasites, but it is always a
} surprise to see them.  He aims again and fires!  Damn, hit a lawyer.
} That's ok though, it's always open season on lawyers and there's no
} limit.  But now the others are scattering.  *BLAM* He quickly fires
} again and this time hits the target!
}
} Now that he has killed the ex-wife what will he do with it?  Many men
} quickly stuff and mount their kills, but trust me stuffing and mounting
} is much more fun with a live woman.
}
} So there you have it.  You should keep in mind, of course, that similar
} fees and limits apply to the hunting of ex-husbands, so be sure to wear
} something bullet proof.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50% of your posessions, unless you remembered to
} draw up a pre-question agreement.


378-08    (12089 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and noble oracle, king of heaven and earth,
>
>      Have you ever been compared to the Ouija board???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but indeed I used to DABBLE in them.
}
} Picture the scene . . .
}
} >several yuppies and their SO's gathered in a stylish SoCal
}  living room, loft prominently decorated.  A half-empty bottle
}  of Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante is in evidence<
}
} Y1: Oh, Mighty Ouija board, will my wife have a baby this year?
}
} The pointer trembles and starts a slow deliberate waltz around
} the board.
}
} BOARD:  A-N-T-I-C-H-R-I-S-T
}
} The onlookers sit back stunned.
}
} Y2: Oh, Might Ouija board, will I get married this year?
}
} Again the pointer begins its journey.
}
} BOARD: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-G-A-S-P-U-M-P-A-T-T-E-N-D-A-N-T
}
} One yuppette sits back in a huff.
}
} Y3: Oh, Might Ouija board, how will my business trip go?
}
} The pointer again trembles and traces out the letters --
}
} BOARD: M-I-D-N-I-G-H-T-E-X-P-R-E-S-S
}
} It is now Yuppie 4's turn.  She regards the board with a
} jaundiced eye, tossing her luxuriant chestnut hair over
} one shoulder provocatively.  Her long, nimble fingers lay
} atop the pointer.  She is dressed stylishly, and tastefully.
} The lines of a picture-perfect figure are not hidden by her
} slim turtleneck, and were she not sitting on her well-rounded
} derriere, the two male participants would long ago have
} suffered cardiac infarction.
}
} Y4: Oh, Mighty Ouija board (her rich contralto intones) who will
}     my next serious relationship be with?
}
} The pointer shakes violently for several moments and begins to
} vibrate back and forth.
}
} BOARD: Z-E-U-S
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: N-O-O-R-A-C-L-E
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-Z-E-U-S
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-R-A-C-L-E-D-A-M-N-I-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD:
} Y-O-U-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-E-V-E-N-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-T-O-D-O-W-I-T-H-H-E-R
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-I-R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R-W-H-A-T-L-I-S-A-S-A-I-D
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD:
} L-I-S-A-D-O-E-S-N-T-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-S-H-E-S-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-A-B-O-U-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-S-H-E-S-M-I-N-E-Y-O-U-L-I-T-T-L-E-G-I-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Upon which point the yuppies all get sick of the bickering and throw
} the board out, where a little girl names Regan who lives down the
} street picks it out of the trash and brings it home.  One male yuppie
} does suffer a fatal heart attack upon the brunette woman's rising, and
} the other severe palpitations.
}
} You owe the Oracle the brunette's phone number.  >Shut up, Zeus.<


394-09    (212ce dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really swell Oracle, could you
> please tell me
>                                       What's this crap?
> What?
>                                       This is awful!  We'll never get a
>                                       good answer!  "Really swell"
>                                       indeed.
> Dear Oracularities Letters,
> I never thought your letters were
> real until
>                                       Oh, please!  Why not just post it
>                                       to alt.sex?!
> Shut up!  This is my question -- let
> me ask it the way I want!!
>
> Oh really swell Oracle, could you
> please tell me what... shut up!       please flame my ass off the net.
>                                       Wassamatter?  Think you'll get a
>                                       kinder, Gentler Oracle?
> Shut up.  I'll take my chances.
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me...
> uh, please tell me...
>                                       Oh, perfect.  You don't even have
>                                       a question.  We'll be flamed for
>                                       sure!
> Shut UP!  I do have a question!
>                                       Nyah, nyah, poor dumby can't
>                                       think of his own question!
> Ok, how about this:
> can you please tell me what's best to
> do for multiple personality disorder?
>                                       What?!  No! -- ha, ha Mr.
>                                       Oracle... just a little joke!
>                                       (He's been under stress)
> No joke, sir.  He's been on my case   -- NO!  SHUT UP!
> ever since finals, and I'm at my      tra la LAAAA!  AmerrriCAAA! the
> wit's end.  Please help me            beaUUUtiful!  No, that's not
>                                       our real question!  Really,
>                                       it's how much wood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another one of *those* ... These letters always bring out
} the -
}
}                              ** RRRRIIIIP **                         __/
}                                                           __________/
}                                       ___________________/ Evil twin?
} Yes... *sigh*                        /
} I thought I'd seen the last of      |
} you...                              |    Not hardly, pal.  And this time
}                                     |    it's even better for me, 'cause
}                                     |    I brought along my equally evil
}               *gasp*                |    clone!
}                                     |\       ** RRRRIIIIIP **
}                                     | \_______
}    What the...                      |         \________
}                                     | Hi Bro!          \  Kinda reminds
}                                     |                   | you of _Alien_
}                                     |                   | doesn't it?
}   Oh yeah?  Well two, er, *three*   |                   |
}   can play at that little game!    /|   Hey, he can't   |
}                          _________/ |     do that!      |
}                 ________/           |                   | Yeah, you
}                /  ** RRRRRIIIIP **  |                   | can't do that!
} Just watch!   |                     |                   |
}               |  Will you guys      |                   |
}               |  PLEASE stop        |                   |
}               |  bickering?         |  Look, its double |
}               |                     | the geek quotient!|   Heh heh
}               | Oh really?  Take    |                   |
}               |  THIS!      >---->* |                   |
}               |               >---->*\ Hey, stop that!  |
}               |                 >---->*\  I mean it!    |
}               |                   >---->*\   Ow!        |  INCOMING!
} Having space  |                           |             |
} compression   |                           |             |
} problems?     |                           |             |
} (tee-hee)     |                           |             |
}               | Man, talk about multiple  |             |
}               | personality questions!    |  I don't    |
}               |                           | like this   |
}               |                           | game any    |
}               |                           | more...     | What?!  You're
}               |                           |             | not turning
}               |                           |             | yella on me?!
}               | Gad, this is confusing.   |             |
}               |                           | Don't talk  |
}               |                           | to me like  |
}               |                           | that, you   |
}               |                           | twit!       |
} Get rid of    |                           |             |  *snarl*
} him, get rid  |                           |             |
} of him!       | Don't tell *me* what to   |             |
}               | do, Mr. Boss Man!  Mr.    |             |
}               | Hulk Hogan!  I don't like |             |
}               | this game either! Nyah!   | You too?    |
}    Uh-oh      |                           |             |  Uh-oh
}               | Hey, #3, I have an idea...| What?       |
}               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) |
}               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) |
}               |  You like the idea?       | Go for it!  |
}               |                           |             |
}               |           >---->*         |  *<----<    |
} What are you  |                >---->*    | *<----<     |
} doing?        |                    >---->*|*<----<      | Yeah, what are
}               |                     >---->*<----<       | you doing?
}               |                       * KABOOM *        |
}               |                                         |
}               | Ah, MUCH better.  And now for Operation |
}               |             LAMAZE!                     |
} Thanks a lot, |                                         | Benedict
} Traitor!      |                                         | Arnold!
}               |<<<             PUSH!                 >>>|
}            __/<<<              UNH!                   >>>\__  STOP THAT!
} PLEASE?___/<<<                 BREATHE!                  >>>\___ AUGH!
}   ____/<<<                     ALMOST THERE!                 >>>\__
}  /<<<                                                            >>\gasp
} /<<<                                                                \
}
}  Ah, much better.  Thanks for your question, and if you *ever* ask it
}  again I take no responsibility for what happens.
}
} You owe the Oracle Calvin's Transmogrifier/Duplicator.


379-08    (003a2 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I have a girlfriend anytime soon, and will she be someone I know?
> If not, what will she be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Tons of confetti, balloons and fanfare music appear in the background]
}
} CONGRATULATIONS!  You are the ONE MILLIONTH sentient being to ask the
} Oracle this question!  You've won an instant trip to
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!
}
} [The Oracle gestures, and the dazed supplicant appears.]
}
} Supplicant:
} WOW!  Thanks, Oracle, but what about my question?
}
} Oracle:
} That's the best part!  You've also won ONE HOUR -- yes, one FULL hour
} alone with Lisa in a locked room!
}
} -- [The spotlights focus on a steel door, which opens to reveal Lisa
} dressed in a see through leopard-skin teddy, carrying a whip.]
}
} Supplicant:
} Uh...
}
} Oracle:
} Congratulations, you lucky mortal!  In ya go!
}
} Supplicant:
} Hey, WAIT a minute!  [WHIP!]  OW!  Stop that!  I didn't -- HELP!
} SOMEBODY!
}
} Oracle:
} We'll be back in an hour to check on his progress.  Meanwhile, the
} 999,998th person to ask "What's going to be on the CS midterm?" is
} calling in now...


386-09    (00886 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most awesome Oracle,
>
> What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
> What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
> What shall we do with a drunked sailor,
> Early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep him away from the oil tanker,
} Don't let him near the oil tanker
} Don't let him steer the oil tanker
} Early in the morning!
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of salmon that doesn't taste like crude oil.


376-03    (00955 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I accidentally deleted a Most Important Project from the disk, and I
> don't have a backup.  My boss is expecting a (now deleted) project
> soon.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, clear your mind of the illusion that it was you who deleted the
} project. It was Dharma. He deleted the project as a test to see whether
} you are ready to undertake your destiny.
}
} When your boss next asks you when the project will be completed, tell
} him or her, "It is complete."
}
} BOSS: "Oh? When did you finish it?"
}
} YOU: "It is not yet finished."
}
} BOSS: "Well, when can you get it to me?"
}
} YOU: "You already have it."
}
} BOSS: "I do? Where is it?"
}
} YOU: "It is inside you."
}
} BOSS: "What?"
}
} YOU: "The report is a part of you, and of me. We are a part of the
}       Universal All. When we are finished, All shall be finished."
}
} BOSS: "The Universal All?"
}
} YOU: "The beginning is the end. Hesitate. Be lost. Consider the lotus."
}
} BOSS: "Lotus..."
}
} YOU: "Om."
}
} BOSS: "Om."
}
} If you get the conversation to this stage, Dharma will be very
} satisfied with you. As you can tell, it is your destiny to get
} your butt canned in the near future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a backup of your latest project.


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