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Best of Internet Oracularities #401-425

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401-425, 407-01, 415-04, 404-07, 412-10, 404-01, 415-07, 408-09


Best of Usenet Oracularities #401-425    (4.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 20 Sep 1992 11:09:18 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #401
through #425 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry this
newsgroup, contact your news administrator about starting it, or see the
Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


407-01    (0319e dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are Connie and Dan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was so surprised I dropped my cigar into my scotch.  Waste of good
} scotch.  It was a lousy cigar.
}
} That was the question I'd been asking myself for three days, ever since
} that package showed up on my office desk: Who are Connie and Dan?  And
} now this dame sashays into my office, sits down in my second-best
} chair, and asks the same question: Who are Connie and Dan?
}
} I stared into her baby blues, looking for a clue.  She looked right
} back, with eyes so wide and innocent you'd think they'd never seen a
} man shot in face with a .45.  For all I knew, they hadn't.  I never
} had.  Kinda yucky even to think about it.
}
} I reached into my lower drawer, and pulled out the scotch.  I dumped
} the cigar, and poured myself a fresh shot.  I didn't offer any to the
} dame. Let her find her own drinks.  I lit a new cigar, and went to the
} cabinet, and pulled the thick, well-thumbed filed marked "Connie and
} Dan, Who."  I dumped the file on the desk, sat down next to it, and
} looked the dame in the eye again.
}
} "There's a lot of people would like to know that.  What's it to you?"
}
} She smiled, and reached into a purse so small you wouldn't think she
} could keep a gun in there.  She pulled out a thick pile of bills, and
} tossed it onto the desk.
}
} "It's worth three thousand dollars to me, Oracle."
}
} My jaw fell open as I stared at the money.  Damn!  Another cigar in the
} scotch!  At this rate, I might have to go to lunch sober.  I looked at
} the dame in disgust.
}
} "You think you can buy me?"
}
} "I think I can ask you a question, Oracle.  Who are Connie and Dan?"
}
} Damn again!  She'd got me there!  I couldn't refuse to answer a
} question, no matter how much it hurt!
}
} "Connie and Dan, eh?  You think knowing who they are will do you any
} good?  You'd be better off taking your money back and leaving, toots."
}
} "Cut the crap and answer, Oracle."
}
} Answer.  An answer.  I needed an answer!  I tore through the files,
} looking for a clue.  Connie and Dan.  Who were they?  I scanned
} megabytes of database - nothing.  Connie and Dan.  Connie and Dan.  I
} couldn't escape the question.  Who are Connie and Dan?!
}
} And then it hit me:  I'm omniscient.  Sometimes on a slow day, I forget.
} I wiped my face, and ran a comb through my hair.  I turned to the dame
} and smiled slowly.  I had her number now.
}
} "Connie and Dan?  WHICH Connie and Dan would that be?"
}
} She cringed like someone had hit her across the face with a three-day
} old salmon.  I could see that she hadn't considered that possibility.
} She started to reach for the money, but I was way ahead of her.
}
} "Maybe you'd like to hear about Connie and Dan Lefkowitz, of Astoria,
} Queens?  Dan was a carpet wholesaler, and Connie spend most of her time
} playing canasta at B'nai Brith.  Or maybe you wanted to know about
} Connie and Dan FitzPatrick, the FitzPatrick twins in Norman, Oklahoma?
} Connie won first prize at the 4H fair in 1958, but Dan had to join the
} army after Miss Barston found him in the vestry trying on her dress.
} Oh, no, I've got it now:  You meant Connie and Dan, the sideshow act in
} Milton's Circus!  They called themselves "The Snake Woman and The
} Lizard Man."  Two of the most disgusting people you ever saw.  Dan had
} this habit of cleaning his teeth with the tip of his tail - people
} would run screaming from the room."
}
} I paused to let the truth sink in.  I tossed the money back to her with
} a sneer.
}
} "You owe the Oracle a better brand of cigars and a first edition of The
} Big Sleep."


415-04    (202el dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... calling International rescue... calling International Rescue... come
> in please... we are stranded on the Internet and out terminal is
> down... we have been nearly kill -9'd several times... we need help...
> come in please... calling International rescue...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great Scott! It's the bitalarm, and someone's in trouble! I've got to
} duck out of this charity ball as quietly as possible and get to the
} Bitcave.... Pardon.... 'Scuse me.... Hello, Michelle, love the
} outfit... Pardon....
}
}       MEANWHILE, IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVERN FAR BENEATH
}               THE QUIET STREETS OF THE CITY....
}
}       "we need help... come in please... calling International
}       rescue..."
}
} "Mmmbahaha! Listen to the poor stranded ninny. Did someone change
} his domain name while he was out touring the Internet? Ha! Now maybe
} he'll learn not to say no when I ask for root privileges on his
} systems. Turn off that scanner, I've heard enough of his whining!"
}
}       [The scanner is shut off.]
}
} "What to do, what to do? Shall I unplug his machine without executing
} a smooth powerdown, or just 'rm /etc/*'? Oooo, I love this part! I
} think tonight I'll warm up with an 'alias vi emacs.'"
}
} Not so fast, PowerUser. Tonight I shut you down.
}
} "Bitman! How did you get here?"
}
} I've written a Bitmail program which was able to reply to your
} extortion letters. It was a simple matter of tracing down
} evil.hideout.com.
}
} "Very clever, bitbrain. But this postmaster is about to reject
} your letter. Get him, boys!"
}
}       [Bam! Pow! <ZOT>! Biff!]
}
} So much for your multitasking, PowerUser. From now on, the only
} program you'll be executing is the physical fitness regimen at
} the state pen.
}
} "I don't think so, Bitman. Or should I say,.... Oracle!"
}
} What?!? What do you mean?
}
} "I've discovered your secret identity, Bitman. You forgot yourself
} in the heat of battle. Who but the Usenet Oracle would be able to zot
} a henchman like that?"
}
} What's your point, PowerUser?
}
} "If you turn me in, I'll have a trial. A very public trial, one in
} which I can guarantee that the name Usenet Oracle will figure
} prominently."
}
} It's more of a title than a name.
}
} "Whatever. But of course, there's another choice, isn't there? You
} leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone. Both of you."
}
} First, restore the sysop's domain name and terminal.
}
} "Perhaps you don't understand -"
}
} NOW!
}
} "Yes, yes, very well.... There. He's fine, though why you take
} such interest in -- what are you doing with that cable?"
}
} I'm rewiring you, PowerUser. The Internet is dangerous enough
} without scalliwags like you running around. From now on, if you
} want to read talk.crime.costumes, you'll have to do it the old
} fashioned way. By LISTSERV.
}
} "What?"
}
} I've converted your host, PowerUser. You're now on BITNET --
}
} "BITNET! You wouldn't dare. I know who you are!"
}
} -- and you're on a VM machine.
}
} "No! Not VM! Please! I'll never tell! I'll never reveal your identity!
} But please, please give me back Unix!"
}
} Too late, PowerUser. The conversion's done. I usually charge extra
} for field service after hours, but this time, you only owe Bitman
} the merchandizing rights for the sequel.
}
} "And people think I'm evil! You're a fiend, Bitman."
}
} One last thing. If you have any problems, give IBM tech support a call.
}
} "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


404-07    (0355h dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most supercilious Oracle, whose mere presence on our fair planet
> makes the sun come up in the morning and set in the evening, instead
> of the other way round, grant me this insight into your boundless
> wisdom:
>
> What are the seven wonders of the known citrus fruits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, a querent with Buddha-nature.
}
} The Seven Wonders of the Citrus Fruits are:
}
} THE SHROUD OF TANGERINE
} This artifact is rumored to be the shroud in which Jesus the Tangerine
} was buried.  Jesus (known to his disciples as Home-Boy) was crucified
} on a juicer by Papaya Pilate under the rule of Orange Julius Caesar.
} The image on the shroud is that of one very surprised-looking fruit.
}
} THE SISTINE CHAPEL
} This was painted during the Renaissance by Michael Tangelo, a famous
} artist and well-rounded fruit.  He had a bit of difficulty with it as
} the natural acids in his body tended to dissolve the paints.  Still, he
} finished, only to be reprimanded by the Pope for having painted himself
} into a fruit basket on the ceiling.  He died tragically when he
} wandered into the primate house of the Vatican Zoo and was eaten by a
} chimp.
}
} THE LIMEHOUSE OF RHODES
} This famous landmark was built to protect ships from the rocks near the
} shore. A giant catapult on the top would hurl hundreds of limes at
} approaching ships, warning the sailors of impending danger and curing
} them of scurvy at the same time.
}
} JOHN LEMON
} One of the greatest musicians of our time.  Originally a member of the
} popular British group the Seedles, John struck out on his own after his
} relationship with the rest of the group soured.  He had several solo
} hits and would probably have had more, but he was struck down outside
} of his apartment by a man who claimed he wanted to make an iced tea for
} Jodie Foster.
}
} THE ORANGE CLIFFS OF DOVER
} Similar to the White Cliffs, the Orange Cliffs gain their color and
} texture from the millions of oranges dropped on them by migrating
} swallows.  (Popular belief holds that these swallows carry coconuts,
} but this is a misconception.)  The resulting substance (a gooey mixture
} of calcium carbonate and fruit) is pressed into vaguely slice-like
} shapes and sold as candy in stores.
}
} THE GRAPEFRUIT WALL OF CHINA
} This giant wall was built by the Chinese to stem the inrush of invading
} Mongol hordes, which were notorious for not tipping.  The wall is made
} of individual slices of grapefruit laid in a brick-like pattern.  The
} wall has proven effective thus far, as the Mongols have a distinct
} aversion to anything remotely healthy and refuse to eat their way
} through.
}
} ORANGE SPARKLE CREST
} How do they DO that, anyway?
}
} You owe the Oracle a peeler that works.


412-10    (023eb dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Mr Oracle
> From: Agent Smythe
>
> Dear sir,
>
> It has come to our attention that you have never filed a
> Federal Income Tax return, and do not possess a social
> security number.
>
> According to our information the majority of your business
> transactions take place using bartering.  You should be aware
> that such transactions ARE subject to federal income tax.
>
> Due to the seriousness of this matter, you are directed
> to present yourself at the Holtsville, NY office for examination
> on Thursday, February 13, 1992.  If you fail to appear you
> will be presumed guilty of fraud and subject to additional
> penalties.  Please bring with you all records that you have
> related to your income, not that it will help any.
>
>                       Very truly mine,
>
>                       Agent Douglas Smythe
>                       Internal Revenue Service

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Office of the Coroner.     *** CONFIDENTIAL  ***
}
} Report on suspected homicide # 92-02-7344
}
} Name:           Smythe, Douglas (presumed)
} Sex:            Indeterminate, presumed male
} Age:            Indeterminate
} Occupation:     Internal Revenue Agent
} Cause of death: Other (see text)
}
} Victim presumed to be Douglas Smythe but remains not identifiable.
} Identity presumed on basis of identification in wallet of deceased,
} found in pile of clothing (belonging to deceased) located in front of
} office computer terminal.  Only remains are piles of dust discovered
} inside shoes. Analysis confirms presence of human DNA.  Cause of death
} unclear.
}
} Investigation of office revealed:
}
} Diary.  Last notes dated 19 Feb 92:  "Got him at last.  Didn't show up.
} Clever trick not sending demand until after appointment.  Refused to
} come to office, therefore contacted him through usual channels with
} request for transport to his residence.  Says to wait here, transport
} coming. Don't know how ...."  Transcript ends.
}
} Computer terminal.  Activated, electronic mail program operating.
} Clearly malfunctioning, obviously tampered with by person or persons
} unknown since ludicrous message from Wastebasket folder, "Help, let me
} out, it's no trick, I'm stuck in here."  No files visible.  Terminal
} deactivated.
}
} Case closed, unsolved.  Presumed homicide, perpetrator unknown.


404-01    (03a4d dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, please answer my humble question:
>
> Why do some New Yorkers have such obnoxious accents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very interesting question which could, of course, simply be
} answered with a long and detailed linguistic history of the region,
} from the middle 1600's to the present, detailing exactly why and how
} such particularly nasal articulatory habits came about.  That would be
} boring though, so I think instead that I'll resort to asking some
} typical New Yorkers what _they_ think about the matter.  I wouldn't
} ordinarily do this, but Lisa's giving her advanced Kama Sutra class
} tonite and things are slow.
}
} I'll just teleport down to a typical section of New York, using one of
} my mortal guises.
}
} <ZZAAAAAAAAAP>
}
} Ah, here we are.  There's a cabbie over there who looks pretty typical,
} Let's start with him.
}
} "Greetings, mere mortal!  I'm the Usenet Oracle and I'd like to
}  ask how you aquired that most appalling accent!"
}
} "'Ey! Whadda I look like heah, some kinda professah?  You don like
}  the way I talk, go back ta where ya came from, ya pervert!  You
}  wanna go somewheh, fine, otherwise geddouda heah!"
}
} "Excuse me, but I was simply enquiring about your accent; there's no
}  need to get excited."
}
} "I'll show ya excited, ya fancy talkin' freak!  You may be from
}  outtatown but in newyawk we don't take no guff offa nobody!"
} (pulls tire iron from under seat)
}
} "You seem to be suffering from some sort of mental instability,
}  perhaps I can help you."
}
} "@!%&$%$@*&%!!!" (swings iron)
}
} "Oh, the hell with it.."
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} Hmmm.  He certainly didn't seem too friendly, though I certainly
} helped his attitude get a lot better.  Perhaps I need to tailor my
} approach to compensate for what is obviously a lower level of
} intelligence.  There's a young gentleman over there who looks more
} cooperative, let's try him.
}
} "Pardon me, I'd like to ask you some questions about your accent.  You
}  know, the way you talk."
}
} "Hey mah man, ahm rappin' to the beat, and ah can tell that
}  you donts know nuthin 'bout the street, an' ah could tell you
}  latah, but ahs gonna tell you now, ah don know zactly
}  what, this white fool be puttin down, so ah kin tells fo'
}  sho, what ah is gonna do, ain't gonna take no mo, no suh ah
}  is gonna shoot!"
}
} (pulls saturday night special from pants and points it at
} the Oracle)
}
} "Hmmmm.  Young man, are you aware that your revolver is not only of
}  inferior workmanship but is also lacking any sort of significant
}  stopping power or accuracy?"
}
} "Say what?!"
}
} "Oh, forget it."
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} This is getting rather disheartening, but I'll give it one more try.
} That old woman pushing that shopping cart over there looks harmless
} enough, let's ask her..
}
} "Pardon me, old woman, but I'd like to know why you talk like you
}  do."
}
} "Muffafhalldha?"
}
} "Um.  Your speech, you know.  Talk.  The way it sounds.  Why?"
}
} "Euoohoooodoo.. Gggghh. Devil walking in the parks, you know!  Steam
}  grates ain't safe for coffee.  Running aliens don't like soup in the
}  same pot as the shoes but Elvis he still alive I know it I seen him
}  but nobody knows what is down the alley, dollar for the wine, maam,
}  Rahh!  Got any spare change?"
}
} "Er, sorry.  Never mind.  I'll, uh, ask somebody else."
}
} "Aaaaeeeeeeiiiii!  Judas come down, he here!  Lizbeth see you!
}  Aeeeeeeiiiiiiiii! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  Don't hurt poor lizbeth
}  I donknownothing didn'tseenothin ahhh! ahhhh!"
}
} "Please, Calm down!"
}
} "Aeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!  Devils!  Wrigley's Spearmint!  Oral Roberts!
}  Help! Help!  Aeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii!"
}
} "Uh.."
}
} "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
}
} "Ah shit.."
}
} <ZOT!!>
}
} Oh well.  Fortunately this is New York, so no one even noticed
} that I just zot'd 3 people.  I guess your answer is going to
} have to be "Because they have such obnoxious attitudes."
}
} You owe the Oracle 20 minutes of a Cyndi Lauper interview on tape.


415-07    (148bf dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, who's feet I am not worthy to drool upon, please
> answer my most humble question:
>
> What happens to my socks that disappear between putting them in the
> washer and not finding them in the dryer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS' GROUP
}                        in conjunction with
}                         RIVERA PRODUCTIONS
}                             present a
}                   GERALDO RIVERA SPECIAL REPORT:
}
}                              DRYERS:
}              Household Appliance or Gateway to Hell?
}
} "Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera."
}
} <applause>
}
} "As you may or may not be aware, for years there have been mysterious
} disappearances stemming from this device..."
}
} <walks over and bangs a Kenmore washer on the side>
}
} "The common theory is that forgetful people accidentally drop things
} while inserting or removing clothing from the dryer.  But Dr. Jack
} Shyster of Cypress Community College has a different theory.  We have
} him with us in the studio tonight via a satellite downlink.  Dr.
} Shyster?"
}
} <Unnecessarily large video screen behind Geraldo turns on, giving us
} an excellent view of Dr. Shyster and his protruding nose hairs.>
}
} Shyster:  "Hello, Geraldo!"
}
} "Hello, Dr. Shyster.  I'm sure the audience is on tenterhooks waiting
} for you to reveal your theory."
}
} Shyster:  "Well, it's quite simple, Geraldo.  The electrons produced
} from the static electricity all garments have, combined with the
} rotational property of the dryer's drum, turns every household dryer
} into a cyclotron."
}
} "Fascinating, Doctor.  But how does this explain the disappearance?"
}
} Shyster:  "This particle acceleration disrupts the local space-time
} continuum, effectively..." <pauses for dramatic effect> "...opening a
} gateway into another dimension!!"
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "Thank you for that report, Dr. Shyster."
}
} <walks over to the Kenmore again>
}
} "Tonight, we're going to put Dr. Shyster's theory to the test.  I'm
} going to be loaded-- along with some wool socks-- into this dryer."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "When the dryer is in motion, I'll be reporting what I see to you via
} this surgically implanted microphone."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} <Two burly stagehands lumber out and unceremoniously toss Geraldo into
}  the dryer.  Then one throws in a basketfull of argyle socks>
}
} <over loudspeakers>  "A bit cramped, but I'll manage."
}
} <The stagehand then closes the lid and presses the "Start" button>
}
} "A bit disorient <thump> ing, but I think I <thump> can manage..."
}
} <Time passes>
}
} "Static's <thump> building up...  I think <thump> I'm going to <thump>
} barf first <thump> though."
}
} <A dull glow illuminates the window of the dryer>
}
} "I see something!  <thump>  It's like a <thump> dirty window being
} <thump> washed, clearing <thump> right before my <thump> eyes!"
}
} <The glow gets brighter>
}
} "Socks!  I see <thump> socks!  Thousands of socks!  Cover <thump> ing
} everything!  Wait!  <thump>  Something's moving, <thump> coming
} closer!"
}
} <The glow becomes impossible to look at>
}
} "Why, It's Snuggles, <thump> the fabric softener <thump> bear!  He's
} walking this <thump> way!  Wait, no, he's <thump> licking his lips!
} <thump, sounds of tearing fabric and metal banging> Please!  No!  Oh,
} my God!  Aaaaaargh!"
}
} <Static comes over the loudspeaker.  The window of the dryer is
} splattered with a red liquid.  The glow fades away>


408-09    (11978 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O               k               s               s
>  h             - n               h               h
>               l   o           :   o           r   o
>    w         l     w         e     u         o     u
>     i       a       i       l       l               l       ?
>      s               n     c         d     g         d     g
>       e   d           g   a               i               a
>          n               r             I z             I z
>         a               O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I       u       o       o       r       e   .
}  t     r t     l r     f       e e     l    enimam
}       t   h   e   v       k   f   n   p   w      a
}    r       , t     e t     n f     c o     h     r
}     e               h       i       e       o    D
}    h a     f S     e C     d h     p ,
}   T   l   u   h               t           w      a
}        l r     e p     g y       o     b o  racle
}         y       r       n       t       u   O
}  .             o l     a i       o     l t   eht
}   y   g   d   b   o       g   n   n   d          e
}    a a     o l     c e     g i             y     w
}     w       e       k       a       d       o    o
}    k       m s     a ,     l z     i l     u
}   i   t       n   m       p       e   u          u
}  n     a t     '       i       n       o s       o
} g  rre  h  ffr  t  tio  s   yo  i  t's  h  nto.  Y
}    a l     o a     s n     r u     i       i
} a  b s       m     e       e         w
} t          y p     u i     h z     , h     n
}    e a     a s     q s     t i     g a     u
} thos t freew .  The  n't whe g or za t you r


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