[IO]
Internet Oracle
29 Mar 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:30:32 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #526-550

Goto:
526-550, 549-09, 532-02, 547-09, 550-02, 550-03, 530-04, 537-06, 538-01, 540-05, 543-03


Best of Usenet Oracularities #526-550    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:23:17 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #526
through #550 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


549-09    (21anm dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a feasibility-study?
> What do you know about ISAC (Information Systems, Analysis and Changes)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personal Log, Stardate 2213.4.  The Enterprise, commanded by myself,
} James T. Kirk, has been dispatched to the neutral zone to intercept an
} upgraded Klingon warbird, the Hutzpah.  The captain of the warbird saw
} fit to test the strength of his ship against mine and now we are locked
} in a battle which I fear I cannot win.
}
} [The Enterprise shudders from another blow.  Smoke pours from Spock's
} pocket calculator.  Previously unseen redshirts fling themselves across
} the room and die violently.  Lights flicker ominously.]
}
} Kirk:  More power, Scotty, I need more power!
} Scotty:  The ship's had it, Captain!  She's given us alla she's got!
}       The backup systems are failin'!
} Kirk:  Sulu, fall back out of range of their weapons.  Scotty, what
}       have we got left?
} Scotty:  Captain, we've got one good warp engine, but we canna go
}       anywhere without both.  Phasers are out, torpedoes are expended.
}       The only thing workin' in this ship is minimal life support,
}       gravity control, the one warp engine, the intercom, and the
}       Commodore-64 in the ship's museum.
} Spock:  Captain, given those items, I believe I can create a computer
}       program which can use the ship's gravity control as a weapon
}       against the Klingons.
} Kirk rubs his chin:  How are the Klingons doing?
} Spock:  They are as badly damaged as we.  The only items working on
}       their ship are their maneuvering thrusters, their warp field
}       generator, their toilets, and the Klingon version of a Gameboy.
} Kirk:  Very well, Mr. Spock.  You, Scotty, and Bones meet me in the
}       briefing room, and we will begin the project life cycle, starting
}       with a formal definition of the problem and a feasibility study.
} Urhura:  Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.
} The screen comes on, revealing the Klingon captain, who is snarling:  I
}       demand a temporary cease-fire while we put together a tiger team
}       and conduct a brainstorming session.
} Kirk:  I'll have you know that we are conducting a feasibility study of
}       our own, Klingon!
} The Klingon cringes in fear:  Do your worst!  I am prepared to die!
}       Hutzpah out!
}
} [In the briefing room, one month later]
}
} Spock:  Captain, I have completed the feasibility study.
}       Theoretically, we should be able to use the C-64 to alter the
}       gravity controls through the warp engine and set the gravity
}       constant on the Klingon ship at precisely one hundred forty-six
}       times normal.
} Bones:  Why, that's crazy, you green-blooded machine!
} Scotty:  You canna change the laws of physics!
} Kirk:  Gentlemen, please!  If Spock says it can be done, I believe him.
} Scotty:  Well, can I at least take some of my men off of makin' alla
}       those charts and reports for Mr. Spock and get them started
}       repairin' the ship?
} Kirk:  No!  More Gantt charts, Scotty, I need more Gantt charts!  Let's
}       begin with user requirements, using the ISAC method.  It has to
}       have a nice interface when I use it, Spock, really user-friendly,
}       because frankly, I have no idea how to work any of these
}       computers.
} Spock:  Understood, Captain.
} Kirk:  It has to be X-windows based.  No, make that NeXTSTEP.  No, make
}       it OS/2.  No, X-Windows.  Did I say that already?  I don't know,
}       it has to be compatible with all those, at least.  Just make it
}       compatible with everything, okay?  Lessee, I want a user's guide,
}       all code fully documented, online help, full configuration
}       control...
}
} [Many years later, the two ships are still locked in battle, their
} software life cycles still in progress after countless deadlines missed
} and revisions]
}
} Kirk:  Yes, Spock, I know the gravity weapon part is ready to test, but
}       those fonts are all wrong and you don't have the e-mail interface
}       working.  You know I think no software is worth a hill of beans
}       unless it can do e-mail.  No testing until you meet my specs!
} Scotty:  Captain, I have ta take the printers off-line.  They're
}       overheatin' and gonna go supercritical any minute!
} Kirk:  More documentation, Scotty, I need more documentation!
}
} A Borg ship passes through and absorbs the two battling ships.  A
} century later, the Borg race suddenly and mysteriously dies out.
}
} So there you have it.  I didn't exactly tell you how ISAC works, but
} after seeing how any software life cycle method works, are you sure you
} want to know?


532-02    (03cjc dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A nasty looking dwarf is in the room with you!
>
> He throws a knife at you!
>
> It hits you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Damn !]
} > Restore
} COIN ROOM
} There is an empty piggy bank here. A stairway
} leads up to the north and a very short doorway
} is open to the west.
}
} >inv
} You are carrying:
}       A cloak
}       40 pennies
}       A large box
}       A USENET terminal
}
} >examine box
} The box is one meter square and has a wire with a strage plug attached
} to one side. The box is empty.
}
} >wear cloak
} You are now wearing a cloak.
}
} >west
} You duck down and manage to squeeze through the short doorway.
} DWARF'S HOME
} You are in a small hovel. There is an ugly dwarf here wielding a
} large and rather wicked looking knife.  For some reason he doesn't
} seem to notice you.
}
} >get dwarf and knife
} Taken.
}
} >put dwarf and knife in box.
} Done.
}
} >plug box into terminal
} The terminal begins to hum and the screen comes to life.
}
} >Read Screen
} The screen contains an irreverent question.
}
} >Type "send to suplicant"
} As you enter the words on the keyboard a whirring sound eminates
} from the attached box. The lid pops open and you see that the box
} is once again empty. From a very great distance you hear the agonized
} scream of a suplicant. Welcome to Level 12.


547-09    (15ddj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fluffy Oracle, please explain to me why men like those
> smelly dogs and women like cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, my feline friend, lies in the genes.  Men's Y chromosome
} shares some of the same info found in male dogs, while female genes
} share info with the female cat.  Some examples:
}
} Dog/Man:
}   Name:     Effect:
}   RF-L1     Refuse to learn new tricks after mid-age.
}   IS-G6     Insist on going out at the most inconvenient times.
}   WA-B0     When afraid, bark.
}   PL-B9     Have the unexplainable urge to play ball.
}   DRO-LL3   Drool when excited.
}   R-S8      Rotate leg when stomach is rubbed.
}   BM-W2     Bay at the moon, without knowing why.
}   BB-B4     Have bad breath without realizing it.
}   WW-I7     Whine when ignored.
}
} Cat/Woman:
}   Name:     Effect:
}   GR-T8     Groom at all times.
}   DA-C1     Don't always answer when called.
}   WA-R0     When afraid, run.
}   MW-OS4    Manipulate without shame.
}   BOP-WW12  Bother people while they are reading.
}   S-P34     Tend to strike poses.
}   BC-0      Tend to be curious.
}   PP-R1     Purr.
}
} You owe me a scratch behind the ears.


550-02    (13fei dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, mister Oracle...
>
>       I'm not sure if anyone has ever said this to you, but Good
> Night and Pleasant Dreams.
>
> -s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle passes over the chrysoprase flagstones of the gentle
} temple, jasmine on the soft summernight's air.  Diana smiles down upon
} him as he spreads a goatskin on the springy grass and composes himself
} for sleep.
}
} And from the East comes an exquisite creature, of such lovliness as to
} launch 1024 ships.  The Oracle smiles up at her.  She smiles down.
}
} "Oracle?  You answer questions, in exchange for... payment.  Right?"
}
} His smile is a rainbow.  "Right."
}
} She simpers demurely.  Scuffs her toe in the grass.  "Well... there's
} only one thing I want to know."  Her bosom heaves under glittering
} stars.
}
} "Anything, my love."
}
} "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck
} wood?"
}
} The Oracle's eyes bulge.  The girl smiles, but her mouth is suddenly
} filled with fangs... A sudden scudding of cloud, chill wind; and from
} the West the Oracle sees... THINGS!  Crawling on all fours, hornrimmed
} scabarous eyes dripping pus and scalps shedding snowstorms of dandruff
} and painful erections throbbing through plaid trousers like month-old
} hot dogs.  He can hear their uncouth cries: "Why can't I get laid...",
} "How can I get a date with Lisa...", "How can I meet a woman...", "Who
} is Barbara?", "What do women want...".
}
} The Oracle lurches to his feet and pounds away over the withering
} grass...
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax on console at 21:59 ...
} THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU.  THIS IS YOUR DESTINY.  YOU
} CANNOT ESCAPE.
}
} "Why?  Why has this been done this to me?  Mercy!  Mercy!!!"
}
} Message from lucifer@circle9.hell.com on console at 00:00 ...
} Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I suppose you'd rather be frozen up to your
} schnitzelgruben in a lake of eternal ice?
}
} Message from shiva@peak.himalayas.nepal on console at 00:00 ...
} You don't think my feet don't hurt after all this dancing?  Especially
} when I see Vishnu undoing all my hard work?!
}
} Message from odin@throne.valhalla.org on console at 00:01 ...
} I gave my *eye* for *my* eternal wisdom, you little snot!  Hung from
} the Tree of Life for three days and nights... and I'm *still* doomed
} to perish at Ragnarok!  But you don't hear me complaining, do you?
}
} Message from osiris@memphis.mirror.org on console at 00:01 ...
} It wasn't any picnic getting ripped limb from limb and widely
} scattered.  Not to mention the fact that they couldn't even *find* my
} schnitzelgruben and now I have to make do with one of wood...
}
} Message from buddha@<NULL> on <NULL> at 00:02 ...
} This is maya, Grasshopper.  Why do you resent what is not there?
}
} Message from cthulhu@rlyeh.pacific on console at 00:02 ...
} Perhaps you'd like to TRADE PLACES, eh?  Let's see what waiting for
} death to die over strange aeons does for YOUR attitude!
}
} Message from prometheus@rock.tartus.greece on console at 00:03 ...
} How do you feel about birds?
}
} Message from. . .    Message from. . .  Message from. . .
}
}                          * * *
}
} The Oracle jumps awake, eyes backforth flicking... gropes for the vial
} of ephedrine.
}
} As stumbles to his blindingly white linen robe, he holds his head and
} knows, as only an omniscient can know, what to expect from the coming
} day.  "Somebody," he says, "owes me a good night's sleep."


550-03    (05chh dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark Cherian, final year philosophy student, sat staring in
} disbelief at question 1 on the exam paper.  He blinked.  He rubbed
} his eyes and looked back at the paper to see if he was halucinating.
} After all, he was mentally exhausted from studying right through
} the previous night.  But no, the question was still there, grinning
} at him.  "My *god*" thought Mark, "The examiners have really
} flipped this time.  They've asked some doozies in the past, but
} this really takes the biscuit.  Never mind, if I can answer the
} others I'll still do OK".  He looked at the next question.
}
} -- 2) What is the difference between a duck ?
}
} Mark rolled his eyes.  "What the hell are they up to?"
}
} -- 3) My dog has no nose.  How does it smell ?
}
} That did it.  Clearly there had been some mistake, and a bad joke
} book had been substituted for the exam paper.  He looked around the
} hall.  Strange, everyone else appeared to be working as normal.  Not
} a puzzled look on any of their faces.  Perhaps it was only *his*
} paper that was wrong.  He put his hand up.  An invigilator spotted
} this, and approached.  "Oh no!" thought Mark, "not him!"
} "What's the problem, Mark?" asked Professor Scott.
} "My exam paper, I think it's different to everyone elses."
} "It is.  And look at question 4," said the Professor, grinning evily.
}
} --4) Argue the moralilty of screwing my wife the other night when I
}      was working late.


530-04    (274ge dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ,
>       if recorded in digital form, would fill a DASD farm,
>       if carved in stone, would be too heavy for God to lift,
>       if inscribed on parchment, would make sheep extinct,
>       if printed in individual atoms, would outweigh a pound of lead,
>       if written in rainbows, would outshine the Sun,
> Wise Oracle, so wise
>       that Solomon, despairing, cut himself in half,
>       that Einstein, comparing, said wisdom was relative,
>       that Freud, analyzing, unconsciously cut it off,
>       that Marx, synthesizing, disparaged wisdom as bourgeois,
> Ancient Oracle, who once
>       taught Alexander to untie knots,
>       showed Archimedes how to fill a bathtub,
>       helped Pythagoras with his geometry homework,
> Knowing Oracle, who knows exactly
>       how many grains of sand comprise the beach this instant,
>       what a boojum snark looks like,
> Great Oracle, whose pedal extremeties,
>       if they ever deigned to touch the ground,
>               would never land in dog stuff,
>
> This supplicant,
>       whose feet stink like frog farts,
>       whose ignorance is so undeserving of your knowledge,
>       whose inexperience tries the patience of your anciency,
>       whose foolishness is so unworthy of your wisdom,
>       and whose IQ is but a cipher to your endless stream of digits,
> abases himself in Your presence.
>
> Were my IQ a drop, Yours would be an Ocean!
> If my wisdom were a pebble, Yours would be the Rockies!
> My flame is but a candle, Yours the eternal Sun!
> All I know worth knowing, is that You know so much more!
> Were I to step into Your shoes, they'd still be all but empty!
>
> <<<< SPEAK, O SUPPLICANT. >>>>
>
> Yes, Oracle, I speak!
> And what a proud day it is for me that such Great and Wondrous Ears
> as Yours should hearken to my words;
> for I, a mere unworthy humble mortal, merely having the chance to
> address such a Being of higher dimension is in and of itself an honor,
> leaving aside all the enlightenment that is bound to come from Your
> effulgent Answer.
>
> Yes, Oracle, I have seen what an Answer can mean,
> how it can change a life and make it ever after better,
> how it can light the way to Truth, and
>
> <<<< ASK YOUR QUESTION, SUPPLICANT. >>>>
>
> [My Question. Dare I? No.]
> Yes, Oracle, Great Oracle, Wise Oracle, Potent Oracle,
> Wealthy Oracle, Splendid Oracle,
>
> <<<< YOU HAVE GROVELED ENOUGH. >>>>
>
> [I'm not so sure.]
>
> <<<< WHAT? >>>>
>
> I mean, O great Oracle, that You deserve much more,
> much more groveling than I can hope
>
> <<<< ASK THE DAMNED QUESTION!! >>>
>
> [Oh.]
> Great Oracle, the Question that I have to ask,
> in hopes it will be kindly met by the Mighty Usenet Oracle,
> not meaning in any way to offend or upset You,
> in the sincerest quest for sorely needed lore,
>
> <<<< ASK IT *NOW*! OR ELSE. >>>>
>
> [Gulp. Okay, here goes nothing:]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will you marry me ?
}
} [ A moment of deathly silence passes. ]
}
} <<< WHAT ?! >>>
}
} Will, you er.. marry me ?
}
} <<< HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?  OF ALL THE IMPERTINENT ->>>
}
} [ Oh no. I knew he'd get like this.  I'd better grovel some more]
}
} Please, O glorious <ZOT>er of film critics, whose farts have the
} strength of the north wind, who-
}
} <<< OH SHUT UP!  EXCESSIVE GROVELING IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN
}     NONE AT ALL!  MARRY YOU ?!  BEING OMNISCIENT I ALREADY KNOW
}     WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND THAT ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO
}     SAY NO. >>>
}
} But I'd make a great wife!
}
} <<< CAN YOU DO THE TRIPLE TONGUE LOOP WITH FOLLOW THROUGH ? >>>
}
} No, what's that ?
}
} <<< HA!  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW BASIC KARMA SUTRA!  LISTEN, GO AND
}     FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE. >>>
}
} But "I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch
} myself...And Nothing Compares; Nothing Compares to You!"
}
} <<< OH NO, IT'S SERENADING ME NOW!  PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY!! >>>
}
} I would rather die!
}
} <<< THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.. >>>
}
} [sulking] OK, I'll go away now.  What do I owe you ?
}
} <<< THAT $10,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING YOU PURCHASED WILL
}     DO NICELY, THANK YOU.  AND SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT! >>>


537-06    (177kf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O teller of all tales:
>
> What is the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck
}               as told by The Oracle through the segment
}                         Fractured Fairytales
}                    As Seen on Bullwinkle and Rocky
}
}      Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Sally,
} who was affectionately known by her friends, relatives, and the IRS as
} Little Red Riding Hood. We will try to be a little more formal, though,
} and call her Sally, because she really liked the name Sally.
}
}      Anyways, Sally was told by her mother to go and give some food to
} her mother, which was grandmother to Little Red... er... Sally. Sally
} agreed, and she was on her way.
}
}      While Sally was skipping through the woods, there were a pair of
} eyes staring back at her, unbeknownst to Sally. She continued on her
} way, singing a merry tune.
}
}      All of a sudden, from out of the woods, there was a loud roar,
} followed by a small furry rodent appearing from the forest.
}
}      "Goodness gracious", exclaimed Sally, "What was that?"
}
}      The rodent stood on it's hind legs, and spoke (as if this happens
} all the time in fairy tales)
}
}      "I am the ferocious woodchuck, and I am going to eat you for
} supper" exclaimed the rodent.
}
}      "Huh? I thought woodchucks could only chuck wood". Sally was
} definately confused.
}
}      "No no, mam", the woodchuck replied, "Woodchucks do not eat wood.
} Anyways, it's the wolf's day off, so I decided to fill in for him. Now,
} surrender, or I will be forced to use force!"
}
}      "Never!" cried Sally, and she rushed past the woodchuck, and ran
} on her way to grandma's house.
}
}      "Hmmm" thought the woodchuck, "This'll require some strategy."
}
}      The woodchuck quickly scampered off into the forest, and, taking a
} shortcut, arrived at grandma's house way before Sally could.
}
}      Wasting no time, the woodchuck kicked grandma out of her house,
} and proceeded to dress up in grandma's clothes.
}
}      An hour later, Sally arrived at grandma's house. She walked over
} to grandma's bed, and looked at her.
}
}      "Grandma, you've lost a lot of weight!" exclaimed Sally.
}
}      "Yes, because I'm STARVING" replied the woodchuck.
}
}      "Ok, Ok... Here are some...........wait a minute. Grandma, why do
} you have beady little eyes?"
}
}      "Well, ummm... Too many late nights reading books without
} sufficient lighting."
}
}      "Oh... Ok... here are some..........wait a minute. Grandma, why do
} you have a pointed little nose with whiskers?"
}
}      "All older women get pointed noses... and those whiskers are nose
} hairs."
}
}      "Ewwww. Ok.... here are some...........WAIT! Grandma! You have
} sharp little teeth! You're the..."
}
}      "That's right little girl! I'm that mean nasty woodchuck! I'm
} going to eat you up!"
}
}       "But how can you Mr. Woodchuck... You're supposed to like wood."
}
}       "NO No No No NO! I hate wood. Ever since that tongue twister,
} people have thought that woodchucks like wood. I hate wood!"
}
}       "Tongue Twister? What tongue twister?"
}
}       "How much wood would a wood chuck chuk if a wood chuck could
} chuck wood?"
}
}       Suddenly, a huge blast of energy and fire engulfed the woodchuck.
} With a firey yelp, and a loud sonic boom, the woodchuck was no more.
}
}       "Thanks Orrie!"
}
}       From up above, a loud voice boomed "Don't mention it Little Red
} Riding Hood."
}
}       "That's SALLY"
}
}       "Sorry..."
}
} You owe the oracle the story of "The Three Bears and a Woodchuck".


538-01    (378ji dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is not humored by this self-referential, recursive
> grovel, which states, "Oh Oracle, ..."
>
> Please oh please oh please oh please
>
> Tell me, your humble, humble, humble supplicant, who is so humble that
> he cannot desribe his humility in terms other than the humble "humble"
>
> My friends say I grovel too much.  But how can I, a humble suppicant,
> grovel too much to appease your intellect of grandeur?  If life were
> Chicken Cacciatori, I would be but a pimento in one of the green
> olives, trying to find meaning beside your juicy, succulent chicken
> breast.
>
> Yea, any prostration I could show thee would certainly be considered
> an insult compared to your infinite yet completely untapped ability to
> genuflect.  But what am I to do?  I must seek wisdom, yet I fear the
> dreaded Acme <ZOT> gun that you brandish.  Alas, I must throw myself
> at the feet of your infinite mercy, and ask my feeble question, hoping
> that you will see past my shortcomings, and illuminate my darkened
> mind with such grand clarity that I may improve, and with practice and
> your excellent tutoring someday write a text that is worthy for you to
> read.
>
> I have labored long hours on the point; dictating, refining,
> eliminating all references to that unsavory clause which I am not
> mentioning.  I must now present my query:
>
> This is a test post.  Please ignore this message.
>
> I await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The nurse slides open the frosted-glass window.  "Mr. Oracle?  You
} can come inside now."
}   The Oracle puts down the copy of Highlights he had been browsing
} through, grabs his cellular terminal, and goes through the door.
} A nurse points to a scale.  He puts down his things, takes off his
} shoes so as not to bias his measurment, gets weighed.  The nurse
} leads him into a small room.  He sits down on a padded table covered
} with butcher paper.  It crackles beneath him.  The nurse jabs a
} thermometer into his mouth.
}   "I nos sich.  I nos sich!" the Oracle insists.
}   "The thermometer is just routine," the nurse replies.  She looks
} at his chart.  "You're here to get approved for your company health
} insurance?"
}   "Yeth."
}   "Mm."  She wraps the blood pressure belt around his left arm and
} begins pumping.  She frowns at the result, tries again.  She frowns
} even more.  "Have you been taking any medication lately?"
}   The Oracle shakes his head.
}   "Have you been under stress?  Do you have a high pressure job?"
}   The Oracle nods, shows the nurse a question on his terminal that
} he had been working on.
}   "I'll be back with the doctor," she says.  "Oh."  She pulls the
} thermometer out of his mouth and glances at it.  "Three thousand
} degress C.  You're normal."
}   The nurse is gone for some time.  The Oracle passes the time by
} answering questions:
} > How much rain could a rain drop drop if a rain drop could drop rain?
}   The Oracle growls and zots the supplicant.
} > Why ask why?
}   The Oracle wishes for an intelligent question, zots the supplicant.
} >
}   The null question.  The Oracle screams with frustration.  He presses
} the zot button on his terminal violently, repeatedly, with his clenched
} fist.  His left eye begins to tick of its own accord.
}   The doctor rushes into the room.  "Thirty-six C of Sodium Pentathol,"
} he orders the nurse.  "Oracle, Oracle, listen to me.  Are you
} listening?"
}   The Oracle glares rabidly.  "One," the Oracle says, "One intelligent
} question.  That's all I ask.  Just, just one."  The Oracle watches
} coldly as the nurse injects the drug into his arm.
}   "Oracle," the doctor says, "we have to talk.  Your blood pressure is
} dangerously high.  You have to stop using the ZOT, for your own good.
} Now--NOW--now, I know you think it relieves your stress, but it only
} adds to it, because your conscience doesn't forgive you for the act.
} Every time you press that button, you blood pressure shoots
} through the roof, not just before, but after you hit the button.  I'm
} putting you on medication for your heart and forbidding you the use
} of the ZOT.  If you disobey, you could have an early heart attack.
} You promise?  You promise?  I'm asking you a question, do you promise?"
}   The Oracle nods.
}
} [One week later]
}
}   The Oracle is answering questions at home:
} > How much dog could a bird dog dog if a bird dog could dog bird?
}   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the
} supplicant about etiquette.
} > I didn't like your last answer and I think you stink!
}   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the
} supplicant about etiquette.  The Oracle rests his head on his fist.
} > This is a test post.  Please ignore this message.
}   The Oracle glowers at the question with pure, unadulterated hatred.
}   He drums his fingers.  He looks at the taped-over zot button.
}   He drums his fingers.
}   The phone rings.  The Oracle picks it up absently.  "Hello?"
}   "Oracle?  This is Dr. Cannibus.  Oracle, there's been a mistake with
} your diagnosis.  The blood pressure gage in our office had a fault.
} There's nothing wrong with your blood pressure.  Sorry about the, ah,
} everything."
}   "No problem, Doctor," the Oracle answers emotionlessly.  "Goodbye."
}   The Oracle looks at the taped-over zot button like an alcoholic just
} told by a doctor to take a drink.  He smiles.  He grins.  He laughs,
} viciously and horribly, so that the terminal itself shudders.  He
} lovingly pulls the tape from atop the button...
}
}                                 ******
}                            ****************
}                     ******************************
}              **********************************************
}           ********       *******      ********       *********
}         **************  ******** **** *********** **************
}        ************** ********** **** *********** ***************
}        ************  *********** **** *********** ***************
}         **********       *******      *********** **************
}           ****************************************************
}              **********************************************
}                            ****************
}                                 ******
}                                 ******    Mwahahahahahahahahah!
}                                 ******
}                             **************
}                                 ******
}                                 ******
}                                 ******
}              **********************************************
}        **********************************************************


540-05    (04eob dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle,
>
> How do you make a taxicab float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the home office in Olympus, Indiana....
}
} TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE A TAXICAB FLOAT
}
} 10) Take it onto the ferry
}
} 9) First, shalt you make a Taxi of reeds, and cover the inside with
}    pitch for so much as to make it waterproof...
}
} 8) Put a "NOT IN SERVICE" sign on the top of a small hovercraft
}
} 7) Replace the freon in the air conditioner with helium
}
} 6) maglev!
}
} 5) Wing of bat
}    Claw of bear
}    Take this Taxi
}    Into the Air!
}
} 4) taxi-bungee-jumping!
}
} 3) Reference the 007 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me"
}
} 2) Replace the floor mats with Magic Carpet(tm), $29.95 from
}    Oracle/Aladdin Enterprises, P.O. Box 42, Olympus, IN. Allow 6-8
}    weeks for delivery.
}
} 1) Take a scoop of ice cream, a bottle of root beer, and one small
}    taxi....


543-03    (04bmb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:  Oracle
> Fr:  Oracle
>
> Re:  Five Minutes From Now.
>
>       Hi, this is you five minutes from now from your curent
> perspective.  Do yourself(myself) a favor - leave alone that shapely
> blonde girl you a going to see tantalizingly bending over the water
> fountain.  Lisa will be(was) right behind you(me) for a surprise visit
> at the office.  It would be very painful. (*OUCH*)
>
> Thanx,
>  Me(You)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Oracle
} Fr: Oracle
} Re: Ten Minutes From Now.
}
} Hi, this is you (me) ten minutes from now from your current
} perspective. Do yourself (myself) a favor - Don't let Lisa see the
} contents of the note that you're (I'm) going to type five minutes from
} now.  She'll be standing right behind you (me) when you (I) try and
} warn yourself (myself) about the blonde.  The fight that ensues will be
} incredible.
}
} Thanx,
}
} Me(You)
}
} PS.  Be sure and empty the batteries out of Lisa's cattleprod, and hide
} her bullwhips.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org