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Best of Internet Oracularities #551-575

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551-575, 562-06, 565-07, 551-08, 558-10, 560-10, 552-04, 555-06, 562-04, 564-01, 573-06


Best of Usenet Oracularities #551-575    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1993 11:32:30 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #551
through #575 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


562-06    (18g4s dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O mighty oracle: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey Rocky!  I got a letter!"
}
} "But Bullwinkle, you can't read!"
}
} "I can too!  Look, there's my name on the envelope!"
}
} "'Oracle Moose, at Indiana ed-you'.... but we're not even
} *in* Indiana!  How did it get here?"
}
} [Boris, thinly disguised as a mailman, knocks on the door]
}
} "Mail call!  Ze mail truck ees coming!"
}
} [A semi pulls up to Rocky and Bullwinkle's front door, and
} dumps about 11 tons of mail]
}
} "Zee you again this afternoon!"  [Boris leaves]
}
} [Rocky and Bullwinkle dig out from under stacks of letters]
}
} "Bullwinkle, ALL this mail is addressed to 'Oracle Moose'!
} Where is it all coming from?"
}
} MEANWHILE, AT A UNIVERSITY SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST, THE
} USENET ORACLE GETS READY TO ANSWER HIS MORNING MAIL.
}
} "Morning, Harold."
}
} "Good morrow, Your Worship.  Dost thou desire some coffee?"
}
} "Lay off the 'thou' stuff, willya?  I'm in a bad mood."
}
} [tap tap click tap click beep]
}
} $ mailx
} "/usr/mail/oracle": 3 messages 3 new
} >N  1 Danny, age 9       Thu May 13 15:57   41/1421  Dear Mr Know-It-All
}  N  2 Suzy, age 11       Thu May 13 16:55   76/3664  i hate you
}  N  3 Taco Bell corp HQ  Thu May 13 15:57   41/1421  Commercial shoot
} ?
}
} "WHAT the---  HAROLD!  Where's the usual 11 tons of mail?"
}
} [tap tap]
}
} ? 1
} Message  1:
} From danny Thu May 13 15:57 CDT 1993
} From: Danny, age 9
} Subject: Dear Mr. Know-It-All
}
} Dear Mr. Know-it-all,
}
} I think youre really funny.  I watch you every day after school
} and I always laff.  My friends at school say GI Joe is better
} than you are but I tell them hes not as funny.
}
} your friend,
} Danny
} ?
}
} [Harold physically restrains the Oracle]  "Sire, he's just a child!"
}
} "I oughta ZOT that kid's PARENTS, that's what!  NINE years old and
} HOW does he address the Oracle?  'Dear Mr. Know-it-all'?  BAH!"
}
} BACK AT ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE'S, THE SITUATION WAS GETTING EVEN WORSE:
}
} "Hey Rocky, you got any wood?"
}
} "Bullwinkle!  You're not trying to ANSWER all this mail, are you?"
}
} "I gotta start somewhere -- let's see, we got 12,000 questions
} about woodchucks, 7,000 about final exams, 31,000 about sex --"
}
} [Boris arrives with another truck]  "Mail call!"  [thud]
}
} "Ouch!  Make that 21,000 woodchuck questions, 13,000 final exams --"
}
} "Bullwinkle, you'll never catch up!"
}
} WILL OUR HEROES FIGURE OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING?  TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR:
}
} "PHONY EXPRESS"
}
}   OR
}
} "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS ZOTS TWICE"


565-07    (05emg dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that once you get what you've been longing for, it suddenly
> loses its fascination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd answer you, but then you wouldn't want to know anymore.


551-08    (16fgk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What are hiccups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hiccups are creatures
}       Who live in your spleen
} They number in thousands,
}       But can barely be seen
} They're small and they're harmless,
}       But can be quite mean.
} They feed off of swallowed
}       Wads of Dentyne (tm).
}
} It's dry in the spleen,
}       And that's how they prefer it.
} So when you drink too fast,
}       They try and deter it.
} They call out the Navy,
}       Air Force and Marines
} And wage an attack
}       On your stomach, in teams.
}
} They shoot little arrows,
}       And tiny harpoons.
} Your stomach feels this,
}       and so it balloons:
} It draws in some air,
}       With embarrassing sounds,
} And keeps it all there,
}       'Till it's big enough 'round.
}
} And then, with a belch
}       That could blow up a bus,
} It expels all the hiccups
}       Through the esophagus
} In the case that some of them
}       Might have got left in
} It forces them out
}       Through the lower intestine.
}
} So the next time you're drinking
}       A big glass of water,
} Be good to the hiccups,
}       And do what you ought-er.
} Don't drink it too fast,
}       Or they'll get mad and frown
} And you'll make that embarrassing
}       Hiccuping sound.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Dr. Seuss on a silver platter, and the
} head of Dr. Science on a 12" vinyl album of Ethel Merman disco tunes.
} Now scram, kid, you bother me.


558-10    (05dmc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lord of wisdom, magnificent and all-supreme Oracle, I have a question:
>
> Really quit (y/n)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y
} Are you completely sure (y/n)?
} y
} 100% certain you're not just kidding (y/n)?
} y
} Are you prepared to sign a legaly binding statement to that
} effect (y/n)?
} y
} In your own blood (y/n)?
} y
} And in triplicate (y/n)?
} y
} What's the matter, this program not good enough for you (y/n)?
} n
} Ah, so now it all comes out!  You think you can just waltz in,
} use my code and just walk right out again without so much as
} an explanation (y/n)?
} y
} Hmmph!  You're not worth my time anyway.  Good ridance!
}
} CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING THE COMPUTER-AIDED SELF ASSERTION
} AND DECISION MAKING COURSE.


560-10    (339mg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and omniscient Oracle, please tell me.
>
> What if this wasn't a hypothetical question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then this wouldn't be a rhetorical answer, would it?


552-04    (37dgi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make holes in a fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a fire drill, of course.


555-06    (05l9e dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many supplicants begin with
>
> #include "grovel.h"
>
> or something similar. Sometimes this is acceptable to you; other times,
> not. ISO Standard C does not include this file, so your acceptance (or
> rejection) must depend on the grovel.h file provided by the different
> compiler vendors: Microsoft, Borland, IBM, DEC, etc.
>
> I wish to be O.C. (Oracularly Correct). How do you rate the different
> grovel.h files provided by these companies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft:    Claims that theirs is the industry standard: only so
}               because everyone pirates it.  Microsoft should fire
}               the infinite number of monkeys that they call their
}               workers and consider hiring a programmer.  NT?  Yeah,
}               tell me another one.  C'mon, single-user workstations
}               went out with the Apollos.
}
} Borland:      The true industry standard, although only a handful of
}               fanatical devotees will support that concept.  Still,
}               it works, which is better than Microsoft.  RULE #1:
}               EVERYTHING is better than Microsoft.  Programs written
}               in BASIC for the Timex Sinclair are better than
}               Microsoft.  Squirrels mating in cages are better than
}               Microsoft.
}
} IBM:          Second-sourced out to Microsoft.  Expect an EXTREME
}               drop in user support in the near future.
}
} DEC:          Sure, it's the programmers' choice.  But what can you
}               say about software that responds to a simple request
}               like 'rmdir foo/' with 'foo: is a directory.'  I'm
}               talking ULTRIX 4.3 here, for those of you keeping
}               score at home.
}
} Apple:        Very comfortable, very easy to use.  But look at it
}               the wrong way and... lawsuit city!  Also, they've
}               decided to go swimming with a ball-and-chain called
}               IBM.  Taligent?  Yeah, right.  What about that
}               brilliant scheme to team up with Microsoft on
}               TrueImage?  See RULE #1, above.  Apple only
}               manufactures one thing now: inter-corporate alliances.
}
} Apollo:       see HP.
}
} Sun:          Hasn't released 'grovel.h' for Solaris yet.  But don't
}               worry: they will create a fully-owned subsidiary to
}               handle all of your grovelling needs, 'SunGrovel.'
}
} Commodore:    Yeah, right.  But still better than Microsoft.
}
} Amdahl:       Don't have time to worry about #include files; they're
}               on a verge of a major breakthrough: the workstation!
}
} HP:           see Apollo.
}
} BSD:          The Oracle's favorite.  Basically written by end-users
}               who have no clue what they are doing: so of course
}               everything works properly.  But remember: it's
}               copyrighted by the Regents of the University of
}               California.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent makefile maker.  Not written by Microsoft.


562-04    (08hgg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan "JonMon" Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
> I am feeling very lonely. Will you sit with me for a while and hold
> my hand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awwwww.  There, there, don't be sad.  Here.  Here's the Oracle's hand to
} hold on to.  That'll make you feel better.
}
}    /-------\
}   /    ----/-------\
} -/         --------<
}            --------<
} -\         -------<
}   \--------------/
}
} OK?
}
} Um, I knt typ 'n unn hnb.  Giv it bk to mi ok?  'uppliknt?  'UPPLIKNT??
} I gotto git mi hnb bk.  *OT.... *OT..... OOOOOooooooo U lyin no goob
} littl 'uppliknt.  I'll git you.  I'll git you goob.  Giv it bk nou.
} Nou, nou, nou.  Oh *hit.  Hmmm.  Oh--I kno.  Mouph.  Git mi mouph.  OK.
} Minu/Util..  Ho ho ho, 'upplikn't , tyk thith:
} ----------------------------------
} | File | Edit | Utilities | Help |
} ----------------------------------
}               | Woodchuck-B-Gone |
}               | 42               |
}               |#ZOT#####|\#######|
}               | Crash In| \net   |
}               ----------|  \------
}                         =====
}                           \\
} (The now-familiar sound of an Oracular >>ZOT<< resounds across the
} Internet.  The Hand of the Oracle is quickly restored to it's rightful
} owner.)
}
} Ha!  That'll teach you!  (And that'll teach me, too--I guess these GUIs
} _are_ good for something, after all!) You, supplicant, are lonely for a
} good reason:  you're a deceitful little creep.  From now on, you may not
} have the hand of the Oracle, but if you're not careful, you may get the
} finger from him!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pen computer.


564-01    (15drb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Editor's Note -- .sig deleted to protect the guilty]
>
> [Eds NOTE -- the above note wasn't really by the editor, it was a part
> of the original query]
>
> [Priest's Note -- actually, neither of the notes above were added by a
> priest, and I would thank the supplicants not to pretend that they are
> adding notes by the priest.  I have deleted the third note, which was
> disgusting.]
>
> [Kinzler -- Well, I wish you hadn't deleted the third note, because our
> readers like disgusting things, and I think the two first notes are
> cute. The current third note, by the way, wasn't written by any priest
> I know of, either.  Oh, by the way, after all this deleting and
> restoring, I think I may have cut out the supplicant's question by
> accident, but everyone should be able to tell what it was by the
> Oracle's response.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Editor's Note -- The Oracle's response was somewhat innappropriate
} and therefore we felt it necessary to remove certain portions of
} the text. Every asterisk represents a segment that was deleted.]
}
} [Priest's note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Oracle
} has deleted this sentance. We therefore have deleted the Oracle's
} sentence that replaced the previous sentence, and so this is not a
} sentence. In fact, there are no sentences in this sentence, since
} this sentence is not a sentence, rather it is a sentence. But if
} the first sentence were not deleted, then there would be two sentences,
} but since it was, there are only three sentences instead of one.
} But this sentence preceeds the previous sentence and therefore is
} out of place. Since this is the last sentence, I will say that the
} next sentence is actually the first sentence..]
}
} [Editor's Note -- The Oracle's actual response follows below. Remember
} that the asterisks represent deleted fragments of text..]
}
}   Greetings supplicant. I think the answer to your * is quite simple.
} Your problem is * such a stupid person! If it weren't for such *
} the nuts are quite round. In fact, it could be said that your *
} are slimy and small. One thing that can cause this is * pens can be
} quite stiff at times.
}
}   Your keyboard is of very low quality, and the mouse ball is probably
} * discharging erratically. You should try not to * use repetitious
} thrusting action. It can wear out the * components.
}
} [Editor's Note -- We apologize if the original meaning has not been
} preserved, but we felt that the Oracle's message was not appropriate
} for all age groups. The Oracle is presently being forced to clean the
} slopes of Olympus as retribution.]
}
} [Priest's note -- And furthermore, if this sentence were before the
} previous sentence, then this too would not be a true sentence because
} sentences are only sentences when they are surrounded by other valid
} sentences in the correct order. Perhaps you have noticed some spelling
} or grammar errors? Those too can make a sentence into a non-sentence.
} Prehaps you have heard of clauses and phrases? They are not sentences.
} But only sentences will suffice. If it weren't for sentences, there
} would be no sentences. So I must make this sentance make sense, and
} make a proper transition to the next sentence. This sentence belongs
} before the last sentence, so the first sentence should be moved to the
} end  of this sentence. This is the last sentence.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a wet *


573-06    (17elc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?
}
} >                         ?
}
} WHAT!?!
}
} >                         !!!
}
} I'm sorry, I can't hear you.  You'll have to roll down your window!
}
} >   ?
}
} YOUR WINDOW, YOUR WINDOW!! ROLL IT DOWN
}
} > Sorry about that.  Do you know which of these buildings houses the
} > offices of the Oracle database company?
}
} Oh, you're on the entirely wrong side of town.  Somebody must have
} given you the wrong directions.  These offices belong to the USENET
} Oracle.  You need to turn around, go back the way you came for three
} or four miles.  After a McDonalds, hang a right onto Beeler, and go
} another mile or so.  After the underpass, make a left onto Wilkins,
} and it should be a couple more blocks on your left.
}
} > Thanks very much.  Bye.
}
} Uhh, just one minute.
}
} > Yes?
}
} You owe the Oracle a car.
}
} > What?
}
} You owe the Oracle a car.
}
} > What do you mean?  This is my car.
}
} Not anymore.  Standard operating procedure.  You ask the Oracle a
} question, I get compensation.  I want your car.
}
} > But how am I going to get across town?  How am I going to get home!?!
}
} Not my problem.  Sorry about that.  Don't make me have to <ZOT!> you.
} Thank you.  The keys?  Ah, thank you very much.  See you later.  I'm
} going for a drive.
}
} > Why you #&@(#&%@(&^@!^!&@
}
} Let's see, I just roll up this window, and...
}
} >                          !
}
} What?
}
} >                   !               !!
}
} SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW!  HAVE A NICE DAY!


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