} Hi. Lisa here. Orrie doesn't care, but I do.
} Well, as you know, God made all the creatures on earth. To some, God
} gave the ability to eat a cow in four minutes flat. Others can invent
} computers. And some just look cool. (The lemur, for example.)
} One day, the animals were sitting around bragging about the gifts God
} had given them.
} "I've got a really long neck," said the giraffe. "Longer than any of
} you. I can reach the top of a tree."
} All of the animals grumbled jealously. Then the bird piped up and
} said: "Aw, no, that's no big deal. I can fly to the top of a tree and
} even higher. You're gonna have to do better than that."
} The cheetah spoke up. "Well, I bet you can't outrun me, on land or
} air. I'm the fastest runner God made, and I dare you to prove
} Said the bird, "Okay. I'll race you to the bottom of the cliff."
} Now, the cheetah was a proud cat, and not the brightest creature made,
} so he agreed to the race. They started at the top of a cliff, one
} kilometre from the edge, and the cheetah called out, "On your mark, get
} set, go!". Now, the cheetah was in the lead, and jumped off the edge of
} the cliff when he got there. Broke his neck, too. The bird came by
} later, huffing and puffing, and admitted defeat.
} "You sure were the fastest, friend cheetah, but I can pull up at the
} end of a nose-dive, and you can't."
} So the bird had proven his superiority again.
} Now man, the smartest creature, praised the bird, saying, "You really
} are a smart one, friend bird. But I'll bet that I can fit into a
} smaller bag than you can.
} "You're a fool, man. You're much bigger than I am," protested the
} "Are you going to talk all day, or will you prove you can fit into a
} smaller bag than I can?" said man.
} "Okay, okay," said the bird. "Go right ahead and get into a bag." And
} man squeezed into a potato sack. It wasn't confortable, but it was
} about as small a bag as he'd ever fit in.
} "You're kidding me," said the bird. And the bird flew into a sack no
} bigger than a man's head.
} No sooner was he in than Man grabbed the sack, tied it in a knot, and
} bashed the bird against a tree. All the other animals took turns
} jumping on the bag, and the bird cried out, "Lord, save me from these
} evil animals! They're beating the heck out of me!"
} God said, "I heard you bragging as loud as anyone else, and I'm not too
} happy about your trick on the cheetah. I made that Myself, you know.
} But I won't see you die in that bag." And God released the bird.
} "Thanks, God," it said.
} "Don't thank me, loudmouth. You're not going to brag anymore." And
} with that, God ZOTted the bird's voice to smithereens.
} In a fury, the bird began to curse God, but to no avail. Only a sweet-
} sounding melody came out. This made the bird even angrier, but his
} next curse turned into the most heavenly song ever heard. Such
} goings-on continue to this day, and although birds sound very happy,
} they're trying with all their might to say something evil about your
} You owe the Oracle a book of animal folklore.