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Best of Internet Oracularities #601-625

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601-625, 602-08, 624-10, 612-04, 612-07, 614-07, 625-02, 601-06, 603-07, 606-08, 609-06


Best of Usenet Oracularities #601-625    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 10:10:24 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #601
through #625 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


602-08    (129dw dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it
} to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state
} of agitation that you're worried about the stools your German
} shepherd is passing.  Unscrew the mirror from your bathroom medicine
} cabinet and take it with you to the downtown public library; go up
} to the help desk and ask whether they have any reverse-print books.
} Throw a major hissing fit when you are told they don't.  Go to the
} art museum, set up your easel in front of a Rembrandt, and begin
} painting a copy of Picasso's "Guernica."  If anyone points out the
} discrepancy, hit yourself on the forehead and say "Geez, you're
} right! GEEZ!!" Find someone with a "Will work for food" sign, then
} drive past him at 12 mph as you hold a Big Mac out the window and
} shout, "It's yours if you can catch it!"  Find a meter-maid and
} then jog down the street just in front of her van, putting nickels
} in every expired parking meter you see; do this for several hours.
} Rent a doorman's costume and stand out in front of the fanciest
} doorman-less hotel you can find.  When anyone passes, tip your cap
} and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!"; when they gasp "WHAT
} did you say?!" sweetly reply, "Particularly nice weather!"  Go down
} to the airport, find a spot beneath outgoing planes, and watch
} every takeoff with a rapturous gaze; if anyone is standing next to
} you as a plane passes overhead, turn to them and say, as you point
} to the plane, "I can see its wee-wee!"
}
} I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better.


624-10    (437iD dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any good card games one can play with business cards?  Or,
> more specifically, are there any solitaire games one can play with
> business cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My forthcoming THE USENET ORACLE'S BIG BOOK OF BUSINESS CARD GAMES
} contains many more multiplayer than solitaire games.  Of course
} you'll want to buy the book, but in the meantime here's a sampler
} of three games, including the most popular solitaire variant.
}
} Game 1: Business Card Post Office
} ---------------------------------
} Party game, most fun with a large mixed-sex group.
}
} Everyone puts their own business card face down into a pile.  The cards
} are shuffled and each player draws a card at random.  One at a time,
} each player reads the name and job title on the card he has drawn and
} then says, "I have to put a stamp on <NAME>!"  If NAME's job title is
} more prestigious than Player's, Player must kiss NAME on the butt or
} drop out of the game; otherwise Player can either pass or kiss NAME
} on the mouth.  If Player chooses to kisses NAME, NAME can either accept
} the kiss, or call out "Harrassment!" while throwing his or her own
} business card in the air.  If the card comes down heads, Player is
} "guilty" and must sit out a turn; if it comes down tails, NAME is
} "fired" and is out of the game.
}
} If a Player has drawn his or her own card, everyone calls out "Pee-Wee
} Herman!" and Player is out of the game.
}
} The game ends either when only one player is left or when the remaining
} players are too busy kissing to choose cards; this is called
} "Corporation" and counts as a draw.
}
} Game 2: Business Card "War"
} ---------------------------
} 2 players
}
} Each player plays with his own personal business card collection.  Both
} players put their cards in a pile, face down.  On each turn, both
} players turn over a single card from their pile.  The player with the
} higheranking card shouts "I beat!" and adds both cards to his winnings.
} Play ends when one player has turned over all of his cards; the winner
} is the one with the most cards.
}
} In a friendly game, players may agree in advance to limit themselves to
} the same initial number of cards.  In tournament play, however, each
} player always begins with as many cards as he has.
}
} Ranking: Companies and job titles are ignored except when two cards
} rank the same, in which case the usual rules of corporate precedence
} apply. Otherwise, cards are compared by going through the following
} series of test:
}
}     Custom-printed       BEATS      $2 Do-It-Yourself Mall Machine
}     Color                  "        black-and-white
}     Embossed letters       "        flat letters
}     Times Roman            "        artsy-fartsy fonts
}     Hand-set type          "        machine printed
}     Halftone engraved
}       portrait of owner    "        photograph of owner
}     Hologram company logo  "        embossed logo
}     Internet address       "        Bitnet, MCI mail, or Fidonet
}                                       address
}
} Cards with any of the following are "wild" and automatically win:
}
}     UUCP bang-path addresses; workplace address with no numbers
}     (e.g., "Manor House, Sutton-Under-Barrow, Hampstead, England");
}     typesetting by Kibo
}
} Cards with any of the following are "jokers" and automatically lose:
}
}     handwritten corrections; company "Slogan in Quotes Like This";
}     dried boogers; Internet address @aol.com
}
} Game 3: Business Card Hangman
} -----------------------------
} a solitaire game
}
} Shuffle all the business cards in your collection and draw 13 at
} random. Place twelve of the cards face up in two rows to form the "jury
} box." Then place the thirteenth card face up below the others, saying
} as you put it down, "Behold the Hanged Man!"
}
} Write down the fax numbers from the 12 cards of the "jury."  Send each
} of the jury members a fax with the following text, signed by the
} "Hanged Man" with his fax number as the return address, after having
} scanned in his corporate logo to make a convincing fax cover sheet:
}
}         TO:  <Jury Member>
}
}         Since you didn't respond to my last fax I can only assume that
}         you are a miserable, cowardly excuse for a professional who
}         doesn't give a damn if his company goes down the tubes.  Well,
}         I wouldn't do business with you if you were giving away ice
}         cubes in Hell.  And don't even bother replying to this fax, now
}         that it's too late, because *our* janitor keeps enough paper
}         in the john for people to wipe their asses with.
}
}         <Hanged Man>
}
} Scoring: Consider yourself a winner if Hanged Man loses a job, files
} for bankruptcy, or commits suicide.  Consider yourself a big loser if
} you're not smart enough to hack the fax so your own return number
} doesn't show up on the messages you send.


612-04    (34atm dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who cares when no one else does:
>
> Why do birds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  Lisa here.  Orrie doesn't care, but I do.
}
} Well, as you know, God made all the creatures on earth.  To some, God
} gave the ability to eat a cow in four minutes flat.  Others can invent
} computers. And some just look cool.  (The lemur, for example.)
}
} One day, the animals were sitting around bragging about the gifts God
} had given them.
}
} "I've got a really long neck," said the giraffe.  "Longer than any of
} you. I can reach the top of a tree."
}
} All of the animals grumbled jealously.  Then the bird piped up and
} said: "Aw, no, that's no big deal.  I can fly to the top of a tree and
} even higher. You're gonna have to do better than that."
}
} The cheetah spoke up.  "Well, I bet you can't outrun me, on land or
} air. I'm the fastest runner God made, and I dare you to prove
} otherwise."
}
} Said the bird, "Okay.  I'll race you to the bottom of the cliff."
}
} Now, the cheetah was a proud cat, and not the brightest creature made,
} so he agreed to the race.  They started at the top of a cliff, one
} kilometre from the edge, and the cheetah called out, "On your mark, get
} set, go!". Now, the cheetah was in the lead, and jumped off the edge of
} the cliff when he got there.  Broke his neck, too.  The bird came by
} later, huffing and puffing, and admitted defeat.
}
} "You sure were the fastest, friend cheetah, but I can pull up at the
} end of a nose-dive, and you can't."
}
} So the bird had proven his superiority again.
}
} Now man, the smartest creature, praised the bird, saying, "You really
} are a smart one, friend bird.  But I'll bet that I can fit into a
} smaller bag than you can.
}
} "You're a fool, man.  You're much bigger than I am," protested the
} bird.
}
} "Are you going to talk all day, or will you prove you can fit into a
} smaller bag than I can?" said man.
}
} "Okay, okay," said the bird.  "Go right ahead and get into a bag."  And
} man squeezed into a potato sack.  It wasn't confortable, but it was
} about as small a bag as he'd ever fit in.
}
} "You're kidding me," said the bird.  And the bird flew into a sack no
} bigger than a man's head.
}
} No sooner was he in than Man grabbed the sack, tied it in a knot, and
} bashed the bird against a tree.  All the other animals took turns
} jumping on the bag, and the bird cried out, "Lord, save me from these
} evil animals!  They're beating the heck out of me!"
}
} God said, "I heard you bragging as loud as anyone else, and I'm not too
} happy about your trick on the cheetah.  I made that Myself, you know.
} But I won't see you die in that bag."  And God released the bird.
}
} "Thanks, God," it said.
}
} "Don't thank me, loudmouth.  You're not going to brag anymore."  And
} with that, God ZOTted the bird's voice to smithereens.
}
} In a fury, the bird began to curse God, but to no avail.  Only a sweet-
} sounding melody came out.  This made the bird even angrier, but his
} next curse turned into the most heavenly song ever heard.  Such
} goings-on continue to this day, and although birds sound very happy,
} they're trying with all their might to say something evil about your
} mother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of animal folklore.


612-07    (35arn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a introduction in fuzzy and/or classic logic in
> English or German for free ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try this, humble servant. Post the following message to USENET
} comp.theory:
}
} "Hello everyone. Please excuse me my English is developing
} extraordinarily. My name is Katrinka and I'm a 19 year old Swedish
} female student here at State University of Stockholm. I am so happy to
} discover this USENET, it is an answer to my most constipated dreams!
} You see here in the tundra, we are very lonely, sometimes I am
} spending many nights alone without comforting from other men, how
} debilitating! To allow be to describe myself, I am 5'9", 105 lbs. I am
} measuring 36C-24-35. I have decided to relax my modelling career, too
} much stresses you know, and to study computer science. I am hoping to
} speak to so many of you on a constant theme, perhaps one day we can
} meet and share experiences when I am travelling the world looking for
} new adventures! I am a little bit of a wild virgin you know. It is my
} dream to talk to many men about my studies and someday have chances to
} meet them all.
} Well it is getting colder here tonight, and I am only in my thong
} panties, no top in this cold weather typing at the keyboard is causing
} me goosebumps, my long straight blonde hair only keeps by back warm.
} Your answer to my question will make me so happy and fill me with
} passions, I sometimes loose control."
}
} <Insert your question here>
}
} Love and longing,
} Katrinka DeLoon
}
} I think you get the point. You've got to use this pretty much without
} modification, it's good for anywhere from 12-300 responses within a 48
} hour period. It has been know to lead to the completion of 9 masters
} degree and 4 doctoral theses via email, and at least 23 embarrassing
} flights to Stockholm for some horny American grad students.
}
} You owe the oracle one of those goofy Viking helmets, or was that
} Norway?


614-07    (14bhi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Great Oracle,
>       Seer of the Internet,
>       deeper thinker than the Shodan,
>       the world Grandmaster,
>       and the Princeton Mathematics department combined,
>       Knower of more Secrets than even the new Secretary of Defense,
>       able to access more data faster than any mere database,
>     I beg you to tell me:
>
>     Does the new year have something special in store for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               A Month-by-Month Look at The New Year
}
} JANUARY   A famous and beautiful starlet (whose identity will
}           remain secret in order not to ruin the surprise) will land in
}           your backyard after a publicity stunt involving a
}           parachute goes awry.  You will have to cut her out of her
}           skin-tight jumpsuit to save her life.  She will be very
}           thankful-- VERY.
}
} FEBRUARY  In a bizarre political accident, you will be elected
}           President of the Commonwealth of Independent States.  You
}           will, of course, apologetically turn down the post.  The
}           ex-Soviets, undaunted, will move their capitol to Topeka,
}           Kansas, despite protests by the US Government.
}
} MARCH     You win $50 bucks in Lotto.
}
} APRIL     A coup d'etet in the CIS will be successful, eliminating
}           your unwanted post.  Unfortunately, the people, now
}           completely confused by so much political upheaval, will
}           mistake you for a Hero of the Revolution, and place the
}           revolutionary capitol in Topeka, Kansas.
}
} MAY       You find your old copy of "The Phantom Tollbooth" in the
}           back of a closet and rediscover a classic.
}
} JUNE      The starlet you rescued in January returns and tells you
}           that she circled the globe, looking for a lover who was as
}           honest and caring as you were, but to no avail.  She moves
}           in with you.
}
} JULY      A stray bottle rocket you fire flies out of control and
}           hits an actor playing Barney the Dinosaur on live
}           television.  45 million children watch as the Purple
}           Menace bursts into flames.
}
} AUGUST    In a landmark election, completely free of violence
}           or corruption, UN-supervised balloting declares you Premier
}           of the VBNA (Very Big Nation in Asia).  Beating everyone to
}           the punch, you declare that you're moving the capitol to
}           Topeka, Kansas.
}
} SEPTEMBER Bill Gates, driving his unregistered Porsche, slams into
}           your '88 Chrysler Cordoba.  He pays you one billion
}           dollars to keep you quiet.
}
} OCTOBER   The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas announces that tax
}           revenues are up 4,432,752% from the previous year.
}
} NOVEMBER  When you learn how much the Premier of the VBNA is
}           expected to earn, you quit your lousy job and move to
}           Topeka, Kansas with your new wife, the Oscar-winning
}           super-actress.
}
} DECEMBER  The Barney the Dinosaur show on PBS is canceled.


625-02    (769oB dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The outlook wasn't brilliant for r.h.o that week;
} For all the priest's submissions had been uniformly weak;
} And so, when Dr. Noe struck out and Otis Viles fell flat,
} A cry of "Not again!" escaped from supplicant Goldblatt.
}
} A straggling few logged off in deep despair.  But all the rest
} Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
} They thought, if only Oracle could answer one or two,
} They'd probably laugh so loud and long their faces would turn blue!
}
} But all this hopeful thinking was going to be quite moot
} For the Mage was in the dark, and Harold was a Foot;
} So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
} For there seemed but little chance of Oracle's getting past all that.
}
} But Darkmage hit a funny-bone and expectations grew,
} And Harold found a short exchange that bust a gut or two;
} And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what all they had,
} There were nine oracularities, and not one of them was bad.
}
} Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell,
} It bounded from the mountain-top, and rattled in the dell;
} It struck upon the hillside, and shook the very sky;
} For Oracle, mighty Oracle, was advancing for his try.
}
} There was ease in Oracle's manner as he stepped up to the screen,
} His teeth had a bright sparkle, his hair had a nice sheen;
} And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
} No stranger on the net could doubt 'twas Oracle at the bat.
}
} Ten thousand eyes were on him as he cracked his mighty knuckles,
} Five thousand bellies knotted tight in half-expectant chuckles;
} Then while the mailer-daemon started with a little blip,
} Defiance gleamed in Oracle's eye, a sneer curled Oracle's lip.
}
} And now the supplicant's question came speeding down the coax,
} The Oracle read, and frowned, and thought "This must be a hoax!"
} For there upon the screen the supplicant's lame question stood:
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}   wood?"
}
} From across the net, across the world, there came a muffled roar,
} Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore;
} "Flame him! Flame the supplicant!" a disgruntled reader said.
} And they likely would have flamed him had Oracle not zotted him dead.
}
} With a smile of supreme wisdom great Oracle scanned the crowd;
} He looked upon the ash-charred corpse, and then he laughed aloud.
} He commanded Kinzler's mailer to give him another try;
} The question came back quickly, and it was but one word: "Why?"
}
} "Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered, "Fraud!"
} But a scornful look from Oracle, and the audience was awed;
} They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
} And they knew that Oracle didn't want a lame question again.
}
} The sneer is gone from Oracle's lips, his teeth they gnash like mad,
} He pounds with cruel violence his mouse upon its pad;
} He sends his subject "tellme", it goes speeding like a bull.
} A question comes right speeding back--the question, it is null!
}
} Oh! somewhere on this Internet the sun is shining bright,
} The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
} And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
} But there is no joy in r.h.o--mighty Oracle has freaked out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more creative question and Kirby Puckett's rookie
} year baseball card.


601-06    (268jg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would normally grovel, but since I am rather pressed for time, I hope
> you will be understanding and overlook the absence of a grovel this
> once.
>
> Okay, here's my situation.  It would appear that the End of the World
> is only a few minutes away.  I'm afraid this caught me by surprise and
> I didn't have time to prepare.  So, as quickly as you can, could you
> please tell me what I should do in my final moments of existence?
>
> Sincerely,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question.
}
} Expect an answer in a day or two.


603-07    (12fic dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Suddenly, my shirt was full and my pants empty!
>
> There I was, peacefully getting ready to go out on a Friday night,
> and just like that! I'm a female.
>
> Well, I can tell you, I was pretty surprised,  but I'm a quick
> thinker, and I realized, first of all, I might not be the only one,
> and even if I was, maybe that petite blonde down the hall liked
> girls (she sure as heck didn't like the *guy* I had been up until a
> few minutes ago).
>
> So, I went and knocked on her door.
>
> She was a six-foot tall stud!
>
> Boy did he look funny! Her clothes were too small for him, and they
> had kind of exploded and ripped all over!
>
> Well, I'm as straight as they come, so I had a moment of revulsion,
> but I figured, hey, look at the body I've got now, this is what I'm
> *supposed* to do, so I said,
> "Here, let me help you with that,"
>
> And what a time we had! Let me tell you, when both partners know
> what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, you can really
> have yourselves some fun!
>
> Sunday evening, we changed back -- right in the middle of it,
> without missing a beat -- that was wild!
>
> We've been dating ever since, and that's going just fine, thank you,
> but there's one little problem, and I think it's getting bigger.
>
> I'm pregnant.
>
> What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of Eddie Clontz, Editor
} Weekly World News
} 600S East Coast Ave
} Lantana, FL 33462
}
}               *******  SEX SWAP SHOCKER!  *******
}    College students chromosome mixup leaves young man pregnant!
}
}   For  one mind-boggling  weekend,  college  students  at   a large
} Midwestern  university swapped  sexes in a genetic experiment whose
} source is thought to have been a cosmic disturbance centered at the
} computer center of Indiana University.
}   Experts postulate that  The Usenet +-----------------------------
} Oracle, electronic  diety  and sage, |   Surprisingly  enough, just
} was responsible for the sex-reversal | one student  was impregnated
} of several  hundred  students.  "You | during  the experiment.  But
} have to  understand  that the job of | now,  experts  claim,   this
} the Usenet Oracle is pretty hideous" | student was turned back into
} Oracle  expert  Dr. I. D.  Mistertim | a  male  at  the end  of the
} told  reporters.  "Every  day, some- | bizarre  weekend!   When re-
} thing like  500 requests  for advice | porters spoke  with him,  he
} on how to get  laid  come from  male | replied  that he had been in
} Computer Science students.  It seems | touch with the Usenet Oracle
} that  The Oracle  has taken business | who  advised him to  write a
} into His own Hands."                 | book,   hit  the  talk  show
}   Some  700 students' sexes were re- | circuit, and  set up a trust
} versed during  the  shocking experi- | fund  for  the kid's college
} ment,  and  everyone   involved  was | education.
} eager to get a taste  of what it was |   The  Usenet  Oracle  could
} like on "the other side."            | not be reached for comment.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} ...you owe the Oracle a swatch of fat from Oprah's thighs.


606-08    (12cnb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Majestic Oracle, how can I make more Money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I *am* pleased to get a tiny little grovel in today's batch
} of supplications. I'll tell you an old Hungarian folktale that my
} grandmother told me.
}
} Once upon a time there was a farmer, by the name of Matyas, who
} kept an orchard. Matyas grew pears, the most delicious golden
} pears, of which Hugarians make Csaszarkorte liquor ... but I
} digress. One day a beggar came to Matyas' door, and although he
} had nothing else to give, Matyas gave him pears. The beggar
} looked at him strangely, then looked at the pears, and finally
} bit into one. Delight! "What are these fruits called? They are
} delicious!" The beggar explained that he came from a land far
} away where pears had never been heard of. He ate his fill and
} wandered on.
}
} Matyas was not a greedy man, but was very poor, so he thought to
} himself: they've never tasted pears. I'll bet I can take these to
} the kingdom where the beggar came from and sell them at a really
} good profit!
}
} So he took his cart and harnessed up his donkey, and travelled
} for many days, over the plains and up to the mountains, to the
} beggar's homeland. When he arrived there he realised why they'd
} never tasted pears - it was a barren and stony place. Pear trees
} would never grow here.
}
} The king was not hard to find, as he lived in a huge stone castle
} atop a mountain. Matyas was well received, and when he brought
} the pears to the king, he presented them as golden treasures fit
} only for the palate of the noblest and best people in the land.
} The king and his wife tried them, and were amazed and delighted.
} They bought up the entire wagon-load, paying Matyas a handsome
} weight of gold. Nothing but gold in exchange for these golden
} wonders!
}
} Matyas returned safely home with his gold. At the least
} prompting, he would launch into the story of the king of the
} mountains, and the land where fruit trees could not grow.
}
} Matyas' neighbor Gyula was not a jealous man, but he was poor. He
} listened to Matyas tell his story over and over. Gyula had a
} cherry orchard, and grew the kind of sweet cherries that
} Hungarians use to make Cseresznepalinka liquor... but I digress.
} So one day it occurred to Gyula, to take cherries up into the
} mountains and sell them to the king there. He thought to himself,
} "Pears are sweet and smell good, that's true, but cherries are
} even sweeter, and have a better taste too. Surely if the king
} paid Matyas in gold, he'll pay me with the most precious things
} in his kingdom! I shall come home with a sack full of diamonds."
}
} And so he loaded up his cart and set off towards the mountains.
} He reminded himself of Matyas' story, and easily found the king's
} castle.
}
} Once there, he was cordially received by the king and queen. The
} entire court shared the cartload of cherries, and they were
} declared to be the veritable food of the gods. Gyula was feasted
} and feted for nearly a week. The king declared that he would pay
} Gyula with the most valuable thing in his kingdom. Gyula said, "I
} am deeply honoured your majesty. Will it be diamonds? Emeralds?"
} "Feh," said the king (Hungarians say "Feh" a *lot*), "Feh.
} Diamonds. No, I want to pay you with something truly rare and
} exceptionally valuable. Do not try to talk me out of it - you must
} have the most valuable thing in my kingdom."
}
} And so Gyula left for home the next day, with his donkey, and his
} cart, and a load of yellow pears.
}
} You owe the oracle a glass of milk and some cookies. Csokolate Csip.


609-06    (26eli dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, the epitome of omniscience,
>
> What would make a greater mess --  A bottle of beer or a can of pop if
> both are shaken hard for a minute each and then dropped from the roof
> of a 25-storey building?
>
> Just wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting problem. Let's find out.
}
} [The Oracle steps away from his terminal and out onto the roof of the
} University's Computer Science (and top secret Oracle Labs) Building.]
}
} Oracle (looking down): Hmm... 25 stories, you say?
}
} [With a subtle gesture, the Oracle gives life to the building, which
} suddenly sprouts into the air, growing to a 25-story height. A bottle
} of Coke appears in his left hand, and  Miller Genuine Draft Long-Neck
} in his right. He shakes both vigorously.]
}
} Oracle: Now let's see.
}
} [He drops both bottles unceremoniously from the edge.
} The bottles fall...24...23...22...
} Suddenly, a hawk-eyed freshman walking around on campus looks up and
} spots the beer. Letting out a yell, he runs for the building. At the
} sound, several other freshmen see what is going on, and head for the
} building as well. Soon there is a teeming throng of students under the
} falling beer bottle, each trying to claw his way to the top of the
} pile. The beer hits the poor sod on top, crushing his skull but somehow
} remaining unbroken. Another student pulls it from his dead schoolmate's
} head and starts to make off with it, but is stabbed in the side by
} another student's Swiss army knife. War ensues, leaving fourteen dead,
} seven wounded. Meanwhile, the Coke has hit the ground and broken
} unnoticed.]
}
} Well, I think that clears it up. The beer left _quite_ a mess.
}
} You owe the Oracle a football helmet and a pair of beer goggles.


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