[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Oct 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 12:38:04 GMT
New, also from Kinzler:           Haikudipity / Random Word Haiku @ haikudipity.com
⨁ Ask a question for an I Ching-like answer. ⊠ Learn some new words. ⋇ Tickle your funnybone. ⏧ Exercise your imagination and mental agility. ☎ Find inspiration for your creative project (like, um, using the Internet Oracle?). ⊛ Discover a name for your band. ✠ Get past your writer's block. ∰ Submit, subscribe to, and rate the especially good ones.           See you there!

Best of Internet Oracularities #626-650

Goto:
626-650, 638-08, 641-09, 628-07, 635-05, 636-06, 650-10, 632-08, 640-08, 643-05


Best of Usenet Oracularities #626-650    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 12:32:38 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #626
through #650 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


638-08    (62flU dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Since you are at an .edu address, I assume that you had spring
> break some time recently.  So, what did you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AVISO: !El prisionero T. Usenet Oracle no se permite recibir
} correo electronico! Usted puede escribirlo a la dirrecion:
}
}               T. Oracle
}               Prisionero no. 42
}               Carcel Municipal de Cancun
}               Cancun, Mexico
}
} Para su informacion, Sr. Oracle esta acusado de los crimenes
} siguientes:
}
}       * Disturbio de la paz
}       * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol
}       * Defecacion publica en la playa
}       * Solicitacion de prostitutas
}       * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia
}       * Indecencia publica con un burro
}       * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas
}
} Usted debe al Jefe de la Policia 50,000 pesos para liberar el
} Oraculo...


641-09    (28jmH dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary,
> From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,--
> While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing,
> As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal.
> "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal.
>     Brain is oozing out my skull."
>
> I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment,
> Or another programmer would turn into a criminal.
> As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy,
> Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal.
> Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal!
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query,
> And I know much better than to go submit the question null.
> I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer,
> But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full.
> When I try an askme then that question queue is never full."
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin',
> Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal?
> I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana,
> Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible.
> Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible."
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> Oracle, we know you know it.  I hate budgies.  Do I show it?
> Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet.  Please reply soon, Oracle.
> P.S.  I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie.
> Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible.
> Would you like to try some budgie roast?  It is quite edible.
>     Quoth the poet, "I am full."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval,
} When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle.
} I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply
}   absurd,
} That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull.
} I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull.
}       Quoth this poet, "That is bull."
}
} I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen.
} Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four.
} I've uncovered your nasty plot.  Your wicked plans are all for naught.
} Let your "parrot" rot.  ZOT ZOT ZOT!!!  Now straighten up as before.
} You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before.
}      Poet, try that nevermore.


628-07    (45elk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Oracle, I've got a confusing problem I hope you can help me with.
> (Just a minute while I take off my shoes... There, that's better.)
> You see, I grew up in a nudist colony, and I just don't understand how
> people can do anything with these scratchy, uncomfortable clothes on.
> (Just a minute while I take off this shirt... Ahh, much better.)
> Whenever I take a test, I just can't concentrate because of the
> discomfort, but the proctors won't let me get comfortable.
> (Just a minute while I take off these pants... Much, much better.)
> And now, all the people in the terminal room are staring at me. So
> this brings me to my question: What is the matter with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's wrong with them?  They're unAmerican!  Yes!  They're breaking
} Constitutional law!
}
} The best way to end-run this problem is to demonstrate that your right
} to walk around naked is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.  [If you
} were writing from England, you'd be hosed.]  May I suggest:
}
} FIRST AMENDMENT: Tattoo "Helms Sucks" on your chest.  Claim that being
} forced to wear clothing is now a restriction of free speech.
}
} SECOND AMENDMENT: Claim that your schvanstucke constitutes armament,
} and this is how you choose to keep and bear it.
}
} THIRD AMENDMENT: Claim to be married to a soldier, and you have given
} your consent for her to be quartered in your house.  However, you are
} homeless, so the only `house' you have is your clothing-- and she's
} using it right now.
}
} FOURTH AMENDMENT: Batting your eyelashes, preen a little and insinuate
} something about being unreasonably searched and seized.  Play it for
} laughs.
}
} FIFTH AMENDMENT: Claim that you've already been tried on charges of
} public indecency, and thus can't be tried again; besides, the use of
} your own state of undress in the process of filling out the police
} complaint constitutes being forced to testify against yourself.
}
} SIXTH AMENDMENT: Remind your persecutor of your right to a public
} trial.  Putting a naked person on the witness stand of a public trial
} merely exacerbates the problem they're trying to avoid.
}
} SEVENTH AMENDMENT: Bat eyelashes and preen as above; ask your
} oppressor if it's worth twenty dollars or more, and then insist on a
} jury.  [Do NOT try this if you think the question could honestly be
} answered in the negative.]
}
} EIGHTH AMENDMENT: Demonstrate how painful it is for you to wear
} clothing; claim that being forced to do so constitutes a cruel and
} unusual punishment.
}
} NINTH AMENDMENT: Let's quote this one in full:
}
}   Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights,
}   shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the
}   people.
}
} If the eight arguments above FAIL to convince your persecutors, they
} have clearly taken the stand that being naked is not guaranteed by any
} of the first eight amendments.  Then you whip THIS one out, saying,
} "Okay, being naked is not guaranteed by the first eight.  But I retain
} the right to be naked, which you cannot deny or disparage, by the
} NINTH Amendment!"
}
} They will be Confused.  Make good your escape.
}
} TENTH AMENDMENT: Another one to quote:
}
}   Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the
}   Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the
}   States respectively, or to the people.
}
} Defy your tormentors to find the word "Naked" in the Constitution.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to STOP thinking like a $#&?!ing lawyer.


635-05    (23grh dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This poem is incredible.  I mean, I have never seen such an
} in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before.  It leaves
} the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly
} feel the poet's pain.
}
} Technically, the poem is flawless.  There are no questionable
} line breaks to confuse the reader.  There are no questionable
} word choices in other to make the reader pause.  In other
} words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the
} poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem.  So the
} poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely
} well.  This is heightened by the lack of punctuation.
}
} One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition.  I find it
} extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments
} without becoming tiresome or annoying.  In line seven, the poet
} says:
}
} >
}
} which echoes a similar idea of line 2.  However, the repetition
} of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight
} tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into
} the poem.  The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the
} last line), helps to tie the entire poem together.
}
} As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the
} essential struggle of one man in modern society and his
} attitudes towards love and death.  The poet almost gives us a
} sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an
} underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5.
}
} As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very
} few.  I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem.
} While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood
} of the rest of the poem.  Also, I would like to see a stanza
} break after line 5.  The poem seems to start in a different
} direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem
} truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so
} to speak.
}
} Also, I would like to see a title.  I mean, although the poem
} is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to
} root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is
} going before I read it.  However, I am a little wary of this
} point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire
} mood of the poem.
}
} Very nice.  Good use of white space.


636-06    (27hrk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If God is all-powerful, can he create a stone so large that he cannot
> lift it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question often brought up by people arguing against the
} existence of an omnipotent God. I tried it out once.
}
} Oracle: Hey, God, you can do anything, right?
} God:    This is true.
} Oracle: Well, I bet you can't create an immovable stone.
} God:    Oh yeah? How much?
} Oracle: Ten pints and a packet of peanuts.
} God:    You're on. <Creates an immovable stone>
} Oracle: That's pretty impressive.
} God:    You bet it is.
} Oracle: How about a double-or-nothing bet?
} God:    Sure, why not?
} Oracle: I bet you can't move it over there.
} God:    That's not fair! You're playing with semantics and petty logic.
} Oracle: So? If you can move it, you owe me the ten pints and a packet
}         of peanuts. If you can't, then I still don't owe you anything.
} God:    Let me think about this one... Got it. <Disincorporates
}         universe, and reconstructs it with the stone in a different
}         place> You see, I can play games with logic and semantics too.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty pints and two packets of peanuts.


650-10    (55jks dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this...
>
> Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast
> always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast
> to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant most wise-cracker:
} Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite
} Wisdom.
}
} Verily, the strap shall break on the way down.  And the piece of toast
} shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive
} about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the
} expensive carpet buttered side down.  The cat will fall on its feet,
} directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric
} of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away
} before the experiment!).
}
} In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will
} suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has
} accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were
} going to replace the bag, dammit!).  So you call up the salesman, only
} to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday.  You try to fix it
} yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery
} apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe.
}  You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts
} into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the
} largest one which is eaten by the cat.  The spare screwdriver was lent
} to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's
} vacation in the Bahamas.
}
} Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature
} and Murphy are never on *your* side.
}
} You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for
} medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200
} for a new vacuum cleaner.  You owe Murphy an apology.  You owe Nature
} your existence.


632-08    (2aamj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O frabjous Oracle, calloo callay, whose gyres and gimbals never wabe,
> please enlighten me, your pathetic useless supplicant:
>
> How is it that I'm moderately popular and have an active social life,
> when I was a Computer Science major in college?  From what I
> understand, I am an anomaly.  I'm supposed to be spending my time in a
> dimly lit lab playing XTrek and drinking Jolt, am I not?
>
> PS. I am female; please refrain from penis jokes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't mention my more vorpal qualities.
}
} O pathetic worthless supplicant, you are indeed supposed to be in a
} dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt.  For what is our
} educational system for?  To educate?  NO!  It's a mouse race designed
} to prepare you for the rat race!  (College is time trials.)  The
} curricula are specifically designed to help you fit into the grand
} pattern of modern life.
}
} It seems that you failed to meet the expectations of society, your
} parents, various civic leaders, and most Deadheads by actually
} learning something.  The only cure is to continue your education
} until the system grinds your free will and joie de vivre into a fine
} powder.
}
} You might choose from the following areas of underachievement.  I
} have included (for your benefit) a synopsis of what is expected of
} you.
}
} Computer Science:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing
}               XTrek and drinking Jolt.  Interact only with other
}               CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage
}               it.  Become passionately involved only in the
}               continuing IBeM/Commode-ore/Suckintosh debate.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,
}               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet
}               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only
}               with your own project team, and then only via
}               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the
}               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule
}               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them
}               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
}
} Psychology:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing
}               with rats and other vermin.  Drink Jolt by the
}               six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents.
}               Interact only with other Psychos, but only to
}               analyze their behavior in non-lab situations.
}               Become involved in the continuing debate over
}               whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci
}               major.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and
}               living in a cardboard box with other vermin,
}               wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat.
}               Continue to consider yourself superior to social
}               work majors.
}
} Economics:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room
}               full of charts and graphs.  Learn about supply and
}               demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply
}               and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government
}               office with people who look just like you.  Issue
}               reports you wrote in college because you're too
}               lazy to write a new one.  Watch newscaster explain
}               your report to unsuspecting viewers.  Listen to
}               President explain that the economy sucks because
}               of unemployed psychologists.
}
} Philosophy:
}
}    College    Read books by dead guys.  Debate whether a tree
}               falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, f*ck! Not
}               again!"  Consider the ethical problems in the killing
}               of annoying street mimes.  Get failed by prof for
}               not liking correct dead guy.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,
}               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet
}               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only
}               with your own project team, and then only via
}               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the
}               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule
}               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them
}               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
}               Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays
}               better than being a dead philosopher.
}
} Math:
}
}    College    Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about
}               polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties
}               with other mathematicians.  Scream when they steal
}               your work.  Steal their work.  Be a social outcast.
}
}    Real Life  See above.  You work for the university.
}
} I suggest you apply immediately and start being downwardly mobile.
} It's never too late to become a sponge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doctorate.
}
} PS How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb?


640-08    (7dkjD dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of world fame, yea even unto those of us who are still
> struggling to get some news software to work:
>
> The **** with it. I just can't be creatively funny. Not to-day, maybe
> not again. A little background: I live in Johannesburg, South Africa.
> Thirty-odd of my countrymen lost their lives a few days ago for no good
> reason, and scores more were injured. By the grace of whatever deity
> keeps an eye out for software engineers/systems administrators, I was
> not in the wrong place at the wrong time - this time. My fellow
> countrymen seem locked on a course of self-destruction, and I'm playing
> the fiddle while Rome burns, so to speak.
>
> I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job, a modest house, and a
> small car, all of which have simply put me in a higher debt bracket. I
> do hope that the fact that this comes from a "co" and not an "ac" does
> not mitigate against me, I do prefer eating and I'm not the academic
> type.
>
> I know I'm not the only one in the world with problems, but I could
> really use some of your famed creative humor about now. I'm sorry to be
> such a wet blanket in my first suplication, but even my Monty-Python
> collection isn't lightening the gloom.
>
> No reasonable job offer refused, my skills are still intact, even if
> I'm currently suffering a complete sense-of-humor failure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Friend,
}
} The Oracle cannot in good faith maintain its omnipotent persona in the
} face of your plea. Instead you get a graduate student in
} upstate New York who has also felt powerless and fearful and overcome
} by the relentless stupidity of the powers that be and forces that are.
}
} I wish that I could make you laugh. As I read your supplication,
} radio reports of the state of emergency that has been imposed there -
} to maintain a safe voting environment!- bring tears to my eyes.
}
} I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do think that the smug sarcasm of
} the Oracle would be counterproductive and trivial. Instead, I offer to
} you what I have - a recipe for banana bread.
}
} You really don't need to know how to cook to do this - in fact, it's
} better if you don't know, since you will feel even better when you
} bake successfully if you do not usually bake.
}
} Ingredients:
}
} 3 ripe bananas, well mashed
} 2 eggs, well beaten
} 2 cups flour
} 3/4 cup sugar
} 1 teaspoon salt
} 1 teaspoon baking soda
} 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
}
} Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees Celsius; sorry I don't
} know the other metric equivalents). Grease a loaf pan. Mix the bananas
} and eggs together in a large bowl. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt, and
} baking soda. Add the walnuts and stir to blend. Put the batter in the
} pan and bake for 1 hour. Remove from pan to a rack to cool.
}
} I hope that you try this and find some satisfaction from it. If it
} doesn't make you feel better, I suggest you re-query the Oracle: food
} is an easier topic for comedic riffs than suffering.
}
} I have faith in your strength, and I am assured that your sense of
} humor shall return to you. My thoughts are with you.
}
} (not-exactly-incarnated as Priscilla Finley,
}       ba07230@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)


643-05    (17krh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, good friend of "Bob" Dobbs, drinking buddy
> of Cthulhu, and bridge partner of Athena:  Please answer the humble
> query that I, a lowly supplicant who is unworthy of trimming your
> nose hairs, ask of you:
>
> What treatment programs are available for those poor souls who are
> Hooked on Phonics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You asked for it, you got it: the Oracle's
} 12-step do-it-yourself Usenet illiteracy program!
}
} 1.  Abandon your spell checker.  Delete it if you just
}     can't help yourself.  If it wasn't serious enough
}     of an error to catch it the first time, it's not
}     serious enough to correct.
}
} 2.  Start making the "common" mistakes, such as agreement
}     between pronouns and antecedents.  Use sentences
}     such as "Someone left their umbrella here."
}
} 3.  Begin ending sentences with prepostions, or begin
}     with conjunctions.  When you feel comfortable with this,
}     try to do both in the same sentence.
}
} 4.  Shift moods and tenses at will.
}
} 5.  Shift number at will.  Lose any comprehension of the
}     words "singular" and "plural" before continuing.
}
} 6.  Now is the time to begin losing controll of your spelling.
}     Have fun and develop your personnel grammatic quirks.
}
} 7.  All ways incorrectly use "your", "you're" and "yore".
}
} 8.  Lose controll of your vowells , not in public please.
}     Also. now is a good time to begin taping fingers together
}     before atempting to type.  bEGIN using 2 for two, R for
}     are, and etc.
}
} 9.  Lose controll fo "it's" and "its.
}
} 10. Punctuate at random
}
} 11. Your allmost finished - just start stabing at the keybored
}     Proceded when you find the caps look key.
}
} 12. Y00 R NOW C0MPL3T3LEE 1LL1T3RIT!!!!  1TS S3W K00L!!!!
}     PAR-T33 ON D00DZ!
}
} U 0 M3 10 BUX!!!!!!


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org