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Best of Internet Oracularities #651-675

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651-675, 665-01, 667-04, 670-07, 651-04, 652-09, 661-05, 671-05, 672-06


Best of Usenet Oracularities #651-675    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 13:17:31 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #651
through #675 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


665-01    (23fnq dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, I beg you to answer this unworthy
> supplicant's question:
>
> Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doesn't anyone read the FAQ anymore? <sigh> Okay, one more time:
} -----------------------------------------------------------------
}
}               FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions list) for
}                    sci.botany.flower.disposition
}
} First created: Long time passing.
} Last Revision: Long time ago.
}
} IMPORTANT NOTE: This FAQ only covers questions that actually have some
} relevance to s.b.f.d.  If your question is not on this list (e.g.
} "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?")
} PLEASE check the FAQ for sci.answers.airborne before posting.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 1) Where have all the flowers gone?
}
}    Young girls picked them, every one.
}
}    Ref: Carson, R. "Defloralization: An examination of root causes."
}        _Nature_, 15 April 1968.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 2) Where have all the young girls gone?
}
}    Taken husbands, every one.
}
}    Ref: Mead, M. "Pair bonding: a cross-cultural perspective."
}      _Anthropology Review Letters B_, March 1954.
} ------------------------------------------------
}
} 3) Where have all the young men gone?
}
}    Gone to graveyards, every one.
}
}    Ref: Baez, J. "Bellicosity and Male Mortality: The Statistical
}     Approach" (rev. art.). _Journal of Applied Sociology_, July 1969.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} 4) Where have all the graveyards gone?
}
}    Gone to flower, every one.
}
}    Ref: Frankenstein, V. and _____, I. "Incidental Observations on
}    Cemeterial Flora (an appendix to 'Further Developments in Metabolic
}    Reconstitution,' part IV)." _Swiss Journal of Anatomy_, Winter 1756.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} 5) When will they ever learn?
}
}    This is as yet undetermined, though early research seems to point
}    to a rather late date.
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a hammer.


667-04    (378wp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, purveyor of culinary delights and
> owner of the official sausage, please help me
> solve my cuisinary quandry:
>
> A few weeks ago I found an old Prussian recipe
> book hidden away in a trunk in my attic.  The
> book seems to be a collection of recipes for
> wild fowl.  I have already tried the Mallard
> Schnitzel.  It was excellent.
>
> I am now ready to prepare the next dish, a fowl
> sausage.  The book explains that is similar to
> a bratwurst, but, of course made from wild birds.
> I went out and shot a goose and a wild turkey,
> and need only one more bird.
>
> Oh Oracle, where can I find a tern for the wurst?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The manuscript which you describe is older than you think.  Its
} origins date back to the Holy Roman Empire, in 1521, the year Charles
} V called Martin Luther forth to answer for his 95 Theses.  Luther not
} only converted a great many in that assembly to his teachings, he
} also shared his love for poultry and best recipes for preparing
} birds.  Luther's tips were recorded for posterity by the scribe who
} kept the minutes of that famous meeting, of which you have discovered
} a partial copy.  To answer your question, the proper technique for
} capturing uberlandseawingen (or the Rhone tern) may be found in the
} full notes of that august body, the Diet of Worms.
}
} Of course, the secret to preparing luftwurst is not the freshness of
} the bird; rather, it is the herbs with which you season it.  Luther
} took his hints from the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, which would
} also later inspire the Byrds to sing:
}
} "To everything there is a seasoning...tern, tern, tern."
}
} Naturally, Luther had his own preference of herb, which soon became a
} tradition.  That is why, even today, you will hear luftwurst referred
} to as the Wurst of Thymes.


670-07    (35bqn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Wonderful Oracle,
> Where do Wombats Walk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple and Simpering Supplicant,
} Wombats Walk Because They Need to Look Busy.
}
} Your typical WOMBAT (Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time) knows what he
} is and how precarious his position.  You know them...can't think,
} can't teach, can't learn, but somehow always manages to be in the
} right place at the right time, and usually winds up fairly high on
} the pecking order.  The key to WOMBAT surival is simply to find a
} group that's going somewhere, then attempt to look as if you lead it.
}
} Of course, this wouldn't happen if we didn't obscure the truth with
} vague or pompous names or titles.  I mean, someone listed in the
} corporate directory as "J. Wellington Barske, Executive VP, Division
} of Wage and Hour Relational Database Management" sounds important,
} but chances are that nobody knows who he is or what he does.  We need
} to get back to basics, back to the Middle Ages custom of using your
} job title as a surname, to the 'Dances With Wolves' habit of naming
} someone for what she does.  Then, and only then, will WOMBATs be easy
} to spot:
}
} 1ST PERSON:   Good morning, Gets-Paid-To-Sit.
} 2ND PERSON:   Good morning, Clueless Wonder.  How are things?
} 1ST PERSON:   Fine, fine.  Say, have you seen Sucks-Up-To-Others
}               today?  He owes me a report on widget production in
}               the CIS.
} 2ND PERSON:   Oh, he's in talking to Thinks-He's-God.  Ask
}               the receptionist, she'll know where it is.
}
} [1ST PERSON wanders off to talk to Secretly-Does-All-The-Work]
}
} You owe Knows-Everything your job title.


651-04    (29ftp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, the Omniscient, the Beneficent, the Unpredictable, whose
> existence is, must, and forever shall be Everlasting and Interminable;
> the Delight of my Eyes and the Song of my Heart, whose Wisdom flows
> like the Waterfall and whose Fountains of Prosperity Irrigate the
> Gardens of Prudence and Virtue; this Thy Petitioner, being Unsatisfied
> with Thy Earlier Reponse, doth once Again most Humbly Beg and Implore
> of Thee this Boon, that Thou mayest again Confer upon me Thy Wisdom
> concerning this Strange Enqiry:
>
> Tell to me, O Great Oracle, what exactly is the nature of that strange
> and mysterious bond which lies between a child and its Teddy Bear???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           The bond between a child and teddy bear is a consequence of
}           electrons sharing the outer valence shell of the child-
}           teddybear complex.  Because a child and teddy bear share
}           similar electronegativities, the bond is covalent in nature.
}           Note the Lewis diagram below
}
}                              :child:::teddybear:
}
}           Note how the bond is especially strong because it is a
}           triple bond.  A unique feature of this bond is the energy
}           dissipation when the bond is broken.  (A reaction sometimes
}           caused by a greedy-sibling ligand or a neighborhood-bully
}           oxidizing agent.)  While most bonds distributed their stored
}           energy as heat, the child-teddybear bond releases its energy
}           as acoustical energy.  More surprising is the localized
}           dissipation of this bond energy.
}
}           When the bond is broken, the child begins screaming
}           hysterically, releasing Joules and Joules of energy from its
}           mouth in the form of sound waves.  Remarkably, the reaction
}           often causes the child-teddybear bond to reform, at no net
}           expense to the compound, but by causing others around the
}           bond to voluntarily reform the bond.
}
}           Scientists and engineers believe that a "critical mass" of
}           child-teddybear compounds can form a self-sustaining
}           reaction.  If one of the child atoms is sufficiently excited
}           it will expel the teddy bear ("throwing a tantrum").  This
}           in turn will cause another child to "throw a bear," and the
}           reaction will continue.  By tuning a resonance chamber to
}           the acoustical energy signature of the resulting screams, a
}           pressure wave can be generated that will fluctuate a
}           diaphragm attached to a turbine.  This, in turn, produces
}           electricity.
}
}           A better world through better science.
}
}           You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and an original copy of
}           Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."


652-09    (0cfxk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who is wise enough to be everywhere at once,
>
> How can I be in two places at once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since
} the dawn of last Monday.  Many people have wondered "Why am I here?
} Why am I not there?  Here is nice.  Hmmm.  There seems nice too.  Let's
} go see.  Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and
} there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am).  I
} wonder if I can be here and there at once.  Maybe if I run... pant,
} pant, pant... :-P  hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and
} I've lost there again.  This is tough!"  (Well, maybe not *that* many
} people have wondered this, but at least two have.)
}
} But now, finally, allow us to present:
}
} HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE
} ===============================
} A brief guide by T. U. Oracle
}
} The Solomon method:   Get a sharp sword.  Cut yourself in half.  Send
}               one half here and the other half here.  Caveat: if cut
}               sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half
}               goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie)
}               and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine).
}               If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in
}               spatial perception.  In both cases you only have 12
}               seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets
}               you.
}
} The Tachyon method:   Become a subatomic particle.  You can now be in
}               two places at once.  Caveat: if you look at your watch to
}               find out the time, your wave function will collapse in
}               space and make quite a mess.
}
} The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then
}               you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time.
}               Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is
}               very near to communicado.
}
} The Deity method:     Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent
}               deity. You will be everywhere at once.  Caveat: you'll
}               have to answer lots of annoying questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or
} alive.


661-05    (75coq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please consider my question:
>
> What causes weather?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeus: What's up on the agenda next?
}
} Mars: Oh mighty Zeus, we have to create some form of atmospheric
} disturbances for the planet ..... may I suggest rains of fire from the
} heavens.
}
} Thor: Mars! You and your bloody fire everywhere. It was you that did
} volcanoes wasn't it?
}
} Mars: Shut up Thor, or I'll tell Zeus what you did to the sharks.
}
} Zeus: Stop whining you lot, we've got 15 more items to create before
} lunch.
}
} God: If I may make a suggestion, perhaps we could have a gentle warm
} precipitation of water once in a while to help the plants grow.
}
} Mars: It was you! You were the one who invented plants! I spent weeks
} designing that dry, lifeless, red earth and now there are green things
} sprouting all over it.
}
} Thor: I like the idea of water falling from the sky, but couldn't it be
} a little harder. Like something that would bonk the silly mortals on
} their puny little heads. Like this (thump! - a mortal screams) and this
} (thump!)
}
} Robert McElwaine, physicist: I don't understand, why would rain fall?
} You guys didn't create gravity did you? You can't do that, that'll KILL
} perpetual motion. I'm not having my IDEA$ swept under the carpet, I'll
} TELL EVERBODY what YOU'RE trying to DO!
}
} Aphrodite: Solid is OK, but it should fall down gently, to carpet the
} ground with pure white. Like these robes I'm wearing now, I got them
} from Asgard at a sale. What do you all think?
}
} Zeus: Very nice. But, we really need to design this weather thing.
}
} Waiter: Lunch is served, O immortal ones. Succulent herbs from the
} Garden of Eden. Prime roast unicorn. The finest wines. (thump!) OW!
}
} Zeus: (licks lips). Damn! We can't even agree on the weather, and 14
} things remain, and I'm famished.
}
} The Oracle: The answer is simple for those of us that know the art of
} compromise. We'll alternate hard rain, soft rain, and flakey rain. Beef
} up the volcanoes to give the occasional rain of fire, create Australia
} to keep Mars happy, and hey presto!
}
} Zeus: But, what about the other 14 items on the agenda?
}
} The Oracle: Chairs have four legs, we won't bother about strengthening
} the foundations for Atlantis, $25 an hour for no-holds barred erotic
} conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex, 5 is a
} prime number, everything that can go wrong will go wrong and at the
} worst possible moment, hydrogen is lighter than air, mudskippers the
} missing link between fish and amphibians, 10 fingers on each hand and
} the same number of toes to keep it simple, 24 hours in one day, hmmm,
} that's not too many, better create some really strong caffeine-based
} drinks, have an ice age occasionally so the puny mortals don't need
} wings, make Hertz try harder, reduce the strength of continents so that
} we can create just one and let it float around a bit, and give man an
} inordinate attraction to frilly knickers and suspenders.
}
} All: (stunned silence for 0.4 seconds, followed by a rush for the
} dining room).
}
} Diana: Orrie! I thought we wouldn't be alone together for hours. What
} with those silly old immortals arguing about the combustibility of
} Lithium.
}
} The Oracle: The frilly knickers and suspenders?
}
} Diana: I'm wearing them. See.
}
} The Oracle: (turning to camera and grinning) Well, everybody likes to
} create in their own image. YEOW!


671-05    (16lsi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to make a bomb to distract the bad guys while I enter the shack
> they're guarding to free a captive endangered bird.  Unfortunately, I'm
> out in the middle of the woods armed only with a pocketknife, styling
> mousse, crazy glue, and plutonium.  How can I make a bomb?
>
> -- Angus MacGyver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the pocketknife, kill several small (preferably non-endangered)
} animals.  Skin these animals, make a one-armed toga with the pelts
} using the crazy glue to hold the pelts together.
}
} Next, again with the pocket knife, cut down a tree (preferably not an
} old-growth tree) and carve a "stone-age" looking car out of the trunk.
}
} Put on the toga, slick down your hair with the styling mouse, and climb
} into the car.  Yell "YABBA-DABBA-DO" a lot.  You now have the biggest
} bomb of the summer.
}
} By the way, sell the plutonium, and use the proceeds to advertise your
} bomb into the ground.
}
} ----
} You owe the Oracle 30 clams and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles (part of this
} complete breakfast).


672-06    (15hzg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise, most benificiant, most sage, most ... oh
> well, you get the idea.
>
> Tell me, is there life after Unix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will answer your question in the form of a parable.
}
} A man using UNIX in his office suddenly lost power one day. The lights
} went out, and his screen dimmed a little as the UPS kicked in, giving
} him just enough juice to save all his work and log out. When he turned
} the monitor off, he was suddenly very sad, for there was an empty place
} in his heart and he knew not why.
}
} "Lord," he said. "Why am I suddenly so lonely? I feel as if I have lost
} a good friend. Please, do something to help my lonely heart."
}
} Suddenly, the shade that he had nailed over his office window yanked
} itself free and rolled up, leaving the window entirely uncovered. And
} through this pane of glass came -- not a friendly blinking login cursor
} -- but a strange yellow light. It felt warm on the man's skin, and it
} was brighter than any flourescent bulb he'd ever seen. As soon as the
} man recovered from his sudden blindness, he said "Wow! It's wonderful!"
}
} And then the window slowly slid upwards, and a gust of warm air blew
} into his office. It must have been unfiltered by an air conditioning
} unit, because it was dusty and smelled like mown grass. It made him
} sneeze. "Wow!" The man said. "That must have been one of those sneezes
} I heard about on rec.nose.pollen! Man, that felt great!"
}
} And then, he felt an uncombatable urge to climb out the window and onto
} the sidewalk of the street below him. His heart raced with fear as he
} put one leg and then the other out through the window. How wonderous,
} he thought. The ceiling was blue, and lit by a blinding yellow bulb in
} the sky. All around him, there were people -- just like the ones who
} worked in his building -- and other buildings, and a street with cars
} moving down them -- cars that looked much different that the '64
} Mustangs he remembered from his childhood. "This is incredible!" he
} said, as he wandered into the street. "But also very scary. I must get
} back to my office! Where's my office? Grep Office! Grep Office!"
}
} Then, the blue ceiling opened like a pair of curtains, and a light even
} brighterthan the sun's appeared. "Man," the light said. "Be ye not
} afraid. This is your world, and my world, and the world of all the
} people. Seek ye not to lock thy self into thine office and program for
} thy boss's computers! Instead, live here among us. This is the world
} you came from, the world that uses your programs, and the world that
} makes all the chinese delivery food you send out for. Live with us.
} Live, and love with us."
}
} "Oh, bright light!" the Man said. "I will. I will!" Ecstatic with the
} joy of his new-found world, he ran through the sidewalks and streets,
} among the tall buildings, the neon lights, the cars, the mini-marts.
}
} An hour later, he got mugged for his belt, shoes, and $37 in cash.
}
} The moral to my parable is this: there is life after UNIX. But when you
} look at it comparitively, it's pretty lousy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cellular phone.


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