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Best of Internet Oracularities #776-800

Goto:
776-800, 783-10, 778-09, 780-02, 783-07, 794-05, 795-07, 796-10, 778-05, 781-09, 785-09, 786-07, 787-10, 791-04


Best of Usenet Oracularities #776-800    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 10:28:26 -0500 (EST)

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #776
through #800 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


783-10    (02jyE dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@AZStarNet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful oracle tell me:
>
> Does it snow in Australia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A comparison between the rest of the world and Australia:
}
} Rest of world                        Australia
} -------------                        ------------
} Cold in North                        Cold in South
} Winter in January                    Winter in July
} Prince of Wales is a Prince          Prince of Wales is an island
} Prince Edward is an island           Prince Edward is a Prince
} Christmas in Winter                  Christmas in Summer
} Halifax on Atlantic Ocean            Halifax on Pacific Ocean
} Water drains clockwise               Water drains anti-clockwise
} Fosters is imported                  Fosters is domestic
} Victoria is 49 deg. North            Victoria is 37 deg. South
} North Star guides sailors            Sailors get lost
} Blacks play basketball               Blacks 4 feet tall
} Wales is South of Newcastle          Newcastle in New South Wales
}
} So anyway, the answer to your question is yes, it does snow in
} Australia.  It's just that it's warm snow and it falls up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a compass that points South.  G'day, mate.


778-09    (1bhnw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent and exalted supremo of sagacity,
>       do birds ever suffer from fear of heights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but they only really notice when they're over top of your car.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bungee-jumping lesson and some Turtle Wax.


780-02    (28hut dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who CAN eat just one potato chip, please tell me
> this:
>
> We've got a betting pool going on with regards to famous matchups in
> history.  Who would have won these?
>
> Bach vs. Beethoven
> Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh
> Aristotle vs. Kant
> Da Vinci vs. Kepler
>
> (just so you know, my money's on Bach.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle resurrects Aristotle and Kant, and places a open bag of
}       Ruffles before each.
}
} Orrie:  "Now, who can eat just one?"
} Aristotle:  "Why would anyone not want to eat just one?  One is the
}       measure of all things, from which all else is built.  One is
}       unity, and symbolizes purity.  Therefore clearly I could eat
}       just one."
} Orrie:  "Yes, well you still haven't tried them."
} Aristotle eats a chip, and another, and another.  "Mmmm.  Very good."
} Orrie:  "Hah!  So you can't eat just one."
} Aristotle points to the bag of chips.  "This?  This doesn't matter.
}       What matters is thought, and a have logically shown that I can
}       eat just one."  [munch]
} Orrie:  [turns to Kant]  "How about you?"
} Kant:  "Clearly we can't discover anything by just thinking about it.
}       We must perform an empirical experiment."  [Eats a chip.]
}       "Yes, I this is evidence that I can eat just one.  However a
}       single experiment conveys little information.  We must verify the
}       results." [Eats another chip.]  "Yes, this corroborates the first
}       experiment. Still, more evidence would be helpful."  [Eats more
}       chips.]
} Orrie:  "It appears neither of you can eat just one."
} Aristotle:  "What!  I have logically proven that I can eat only one."
} [munch] Kant:  "And I have-"  [munch]  "-performed many experiments
}       showing that I can eat just one."
} Orrie:  "Thank you gentlemen."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Aristotle v. Kant --- both lose."
}
} Orrie:  "Hmmm.  They ate all my Ruffles.  Now I'll have to perform
}       some different tests."
} An art dealer suddenly appears.  "Zat am I doink here?  And zo are you?"
} Orrie:  "I need you to appraise these."
} Dealer:  "Zwa?  Es dis an original Rembrant?  And dis a Van Gogh?  Vere
}       did you get dese?!"
} Orrie:  "The curator of the Hermitage had a question... But that's
}       another story.  Which is worth more?"
} Dealer:  "Dese are both priceless!  Rembrant and Van Gogh zere both
}       brillant painters!"
} Orrie:  "Yes, but who's the _winner_?"
} Dealer:  "Vell, de Van Gogh ist probably vurth more, because Van Gogh
}       painted less.  Ee ad a miserable life, you know."
} Orrie:  "And Rembrant didn't?"
} Dealer:  "Yes, dat's right."
} Orrie:  "So Rembrant was the winner, but if you want to be a winner
}       you'll own the Van Gogh rather than the Rembrant?"
} Dealer:  "I suppose...."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Rembrant v. Van Gogh --- Van Gogh died
}       penniless and insane.  Rembrant wins."
}
} A musician suddenly appears.  "Hey!"
} Orrie:  "You're a classical musician, aren't you?"
} Musician:  "Yeah.  Who are you?"
} Orrie:  "I'm the Usenet Oracle.  You owe the Oracle a autographed
}       original of one of Mozart's compositions.  And try to grovel when
}       you ask a question."
} Musician:  "What's going on here?!"
} Orrie:  *Zot*  "Remember what I said about grovelling?"
} Musician:  "OWWWW!  Ouch, oww."
} Orrie:  "Who's more popular, Beethoven or Bach?"
} Musician:  "Geee, I don't know."
} Orrie:  "Who's more widely known then?"
} Musician:  "More widely known?  What do you mean?"
} Orrie:  "Who's work reaches the farthest?"
} Musician:  "Well, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is on those records that
}       NASA puts on those space probes."
} Orrie:  "And Bach's work is not?"
} Musician:  "Not that I know of.  But they also have 'Johnny B. Goode'."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle write down on clipboard "Bach v. Beethoven --- Bach loses to
}       Johnny B. Goode.  Beethoven wins."
}
} Orrie:  "This is too much work."
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Da Vinci v. Kepler --- Da Vinci is two
}       words and seven letters.  Kepler is only one word and six
}       letters. Da Vinci wins."
}
}   Supplicant, here are the results you wished for:
}       Bach vs. Beethoven:  Beethoven wins
}       Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh:  Rembrandt wins
}       Da Vinci vs. Kepler:  Da Vinci wins
}       And in philosophy no one wins.  Remeber that philosophy majors
}               when you get out into the real world.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bags of Ruffles potato chips to replace those
} eaten by Kant and Aristotle.


783-07    (49jAr dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Freedom!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally deleted Windows95 from your hard drive, eh?


794-05    (33iEi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ObGrovel:  Oh, Great One, whose very existence enlightens us all,
>
> How does a doctor determine if his patient has Cronic Fatigue Syndrome?
> I mean, don't we all have reoccuring and unavoidable episodes of
> fatigue?
>
> *yawn*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ObGrovel"? "Cronic"?
}
} Listen, supplicant, there is a *big* difference between fatigue and
} plain laziness! Not to mention the condition known as "brain dead".
}
} Still, I'll assume that you were just too tired to proof-read your
} question before you sent it.
}
} To test if a patient is chronically fatigued or simply lazy, place him
} in a comfortable chair with his feet on a stool. The room should have
} subdued lighting and be comfortably warm. Soothing music should be
} played low in the background.
}
} In the middle of the room, at least 20 feet from the chair, should be
} placed the following objects:
}
} (1) a large glass of the subject's favorite beer
} (2) a 486 PC with the opening screen of "Doom II (Knee-Deep In the
}       Dead)" displayed, and with a state-of-the-art game toggle attached
} (3) a large black box with a red button attached, with a label on it
}       stating "WARNING: Pressing This Button Will Cause All Software
}       Engineers Who Developed Windows95 To Be Instantly Incinerated!"
}
} If the subject gets up and drinks (1), plays with (2) and presses (3),
} he is normal.
}
} If the subject gets up and only drinks (1) and presses (3), he is
} lazy.
}
} If the subject gets up and only presses (3), he is chronically
} fatigued.
}
} If the subject does not take advantage of the opportunity to even press
} (3), he is brain-dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large bottle of vitamins.


795-07    (44jDp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who always has the best Halloween costume:
>
> Who is the Greenwich, and why do we allow her to keep the world's time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Greenwich is the consort of the Green Man, a nature spirit from the
} Celtic mythology of the British isles. So the story goes, way back in
} the mists of history, the Time Being decided to delegate some of his
} authority by appointing one of the many wiches who existed back then,
} as guardian for the world's time. The choice eventually came down to
} three wiches: The Sandwich, the Norwich, and the Greenwich. Each of
} them was asked to demonstrate her qualifications for the job.
}
} The Sandwich worked day and night for a month, and fused sand into
} an hourglass the likes of which the world had never seen, one hundred
} ells high and fifty broad, which would keep time precisely, down to
} the smallest part of a second.
}
} The Norwich was determined to do even better. She set all the stars in
} their courses to revolving around her favorite (the North Star), in
} perfect lock-step synchronization, forming a precision clock the size
} of the entire cosmos. The stars continue in these circular paths to
} this day.
}
} The Greenwich, seeing what the other two had done, calmly raised her
} hand and called upon the forces of nature, and the Sandwich and the
} Norwich were immediately whisked away by an immense storm, never to be
} heard from again.
}
} Thus, the Greenwich was appointed as the guardian of earthly time for
} the simple reason that she can be really mean when she doesn't get her
} way. Hence the term "Greenwich Mean Time".
}
} You owe the Oracle a propitiation, for the Time Being.


796-10    (28lHm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moooo!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It's good to see that not all of our bovine friends out there are not
} being snatched up by those clods at McDonalds and, more impressively,
} that some of them have actually found keyboards big enough to access
} the internet and communicate with the Oracle.
}
}   To answer your question, Bessie, a warm solution of a mild soap and
} water will take care of the problem.  Rub it on your udder each morning
} and night, and towel dry.  Apply an antibiotic cream, such as
} "Neosporin" and cover with a sterile bandage.  If the rash isn't gone
} in another week or so, ask for a day off from the dairy farm and go see
} a veterinarian.
}
}   And next time, don't do everything the bull says, alright?
}
}   You owe the Oracle your next born, ground up, and basted over a
} medium flame, with everything but tomatoes.


778-05    (36qvi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@mutt.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did CNN cancel that cool Desert Storm show?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings,
} "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended
} period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running
} courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery
} (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The
} Simpson Trial".
}
} Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the
} network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to
} be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera.
} When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and
} cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way
} to lose.
}
} You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather".


781-09    (1cntl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Acute Oracle, whose Verbose Ramblings never make me feel
> soporific, please tell me:
>
>    How the heck do I get a 1600 on the SAT?
>
>    My college, future, and life reside on Your nimble reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answering all the questions correctly would be a good start.  But I can
} see you need practice with certain sections on the Verbal portion...
}
} * ANALOGIES
}
} ORACLE:BRILLIANT::DOCTOR:______
}
} A. MEDICAL
} B. KNOWLEDGABLE
} C. UPSTANDING
} D. PIZZA-RELATED
}
} In working out an analogy question, the best thing to do is to make a
} sentence involving the first two words, then try to fit the third word
} and all of the answer choices into the same sentence.  In this case,
} the sentence to use is "The ORACLE answers a lot of questions that are
} anything but BRILLIANT."  Now work with the second half; you'll soon
} see that the only thing that makes sense is "The DOCTOR answers a lot
} of questions that are anything but PIZZA-RELATED."  The correct answer
} is D.
}
} * COMMA PLACEMENT
}
} The Usenet Oracle (A) one of the world's most valuable resources (B)
} has certainly zotted quite a few stupid (C) idiotic supplicants (D) who
} persist in asking questions about certain marmots.
}
} In this case, you're being asked where a comma should go.  Obviously,
} there should be a dash at both (A) and (B); at (C), "stupid" is
} describing the compound noun "idiotic supplicants"; and at (D), putting
} a comma this late in the sentence would just slow everyone down and
} probably stick ideas in their heads about asking the Oracle about
} certain marmots.  The correct answer is E, the sentence is correct as
} written.
}
} * SENTENCE COMPLETION
}
} Many supplicants find the Usenet Oracle _______; however, there are a
} few who are _________.
}
} A. witty; zotted
} B. boring; amazed
} C. weird; weird
} D. with great difficulty; smart enough to figure it out
} E. fun; Joel Furr
}
} In this example, the presence of the word "however" indicates that the
} two words filling the blanks should be opposites.  No further
} explanation should be necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Number 2 pencils and a ten-minute break between
} sections.


785-09    (17qxk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Overwhelmed by your divine nature and your uncanny knowledge, I beg you
> to enlighten my being by answering the following question:
>
> Great Oracle, what is the better way to fix the World?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear World Customer,
}
} As part of our ongoing support and maintenance of the World, we are
} providing you with the latest hardware and software upgrade. Please
} follow the enclosed directions to ensure a smooth upgrade from World
} 3.10 to World 3.11.
}
} Note that this release fixes the following bugs:
}
} - Spontaneous human combustion
} - Permanent unavailability of parking spaces in Manhattan
} - Devastating earthquakes in third-world countries
} - People being elected to public office who can't even spell "potato"
} - Inability to go even one day without hearing about O.J.
} - Recurring questions about woodchucks
}
} The next release will be called World 95 (to be released in 2095), and
} will contain the following enhancements:
}
} - Silent notification of planned coup d'etats and uprisings
} - Automatic barcode stamp on newborn infants
} - Body hair that stays the same length after it's cut
} - Ability to be an Oracle for a day


786-07    (49oto dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, without whom the crops would not grow, pray answer me
> this question:
>
> Why was "sliced bread" such a great invention?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Despite the old saw: "the greatest invention since sliced bread",
} sliced bread has done unspeakable damage to mankind. Although it is
} unspeakable, I can write about it.
}
} Sliced bread led inevitably to the sandwich.
} The sandwich has led to the portable meal.
} The portable meal led to the meal away from home.
} Meals away from home have led to the breakdown of the family.
} The breakdown of the family has led to crime in the street.
} Crime in the street led to large numbers of police.
} Large numbers of police led to police abuse.
} Police abuse led to distrust of the police.
} Distrust of the police led to the acquittal of OJ Simpson.
} The acquittal of OJ Simpson will lead to "white rioting".
} Whites riot by voting Republican and cutting social programs.
} Cutting social programs will lead to a greater gap between classes.
} A large gap between classes leads to class warfare.
} Class Warfare leads to the resurgence of communist ideology.
}
} Therefore, we should outlaw sliced bread because it leads to communism.
}
} You owe the Oracle a critique of right-wing logic.


787-10    (5bhtr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not YOU again!
}
}                           ***RRRIPP!***
}                                 |
} And I was having *such* a       |
} good day....                    |
}                                 | Hi there, Evil Twin!  How's the
}                                 | question-and-answer business?
} Gets worse each year, thanks.   |
}                                 | Sorry to hear that.  You really
}                                 | ought to get out more.
} "Get out more"?  I'm stuck here |
} answering questions for all     |
} eternity, you dork!             |
}                                 | Hee hee!  Sorry to remind you.
} And you call ME the evil twin.  |
}                                 | How's Lisa?
} She ran off and married Michael |
} Jackson, as you well know.      |
}                                 | Oh yes, how silly of me to forget...
} Look, did you come here just to |
} rub salt in my wounds, or what? |
}                                 | Actually, I came to ask a question.
} *What?*                         |
}                                 | Hey, it's your job, right?
} So help me, if your question    |
} starts with "How much wood",    |
} I'll --                         |
}                                 | No, nothing like that.
} All right, then, what is it?    |
}                                 | What's it like being stuck here for
}                                 | time immemorial, forced to answer
}                                 | every insipid, pointless question
}                                 | that all of humanity has to offer?
} ***grrrr...****                 |
}                                 | Ha ha!
} Actually, it's funny that you   |
} should ask me that.             |
}                                 | How so?
} Because now that you've asked   |
} me a question, you owe me       |
} something.                      |
}                                 | And what might that be?
} Eternity.                       |
}                                 | Huh?
} See ya!                    |
}                   |               Hey, now *wait* a minute --
}   |
} *pop!*
}
} Hey!
}
} Come back here!  You can't *do* this!
}
} Let me outta here!


791-04    (47vvp dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All mighty Oracle! Who knows our thoughts before we think them; who
> sees our actions before we perform them; who always knows what to say
> when stuck in a difficult situation - please tell me this:
>
> Who do you ask when you have a question that you don't know the answer
> to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, buddy, I'm omniscient!  That means I know everything.  Of course,
} I may not be able to explain it in simple terms...  This usually leaves
} me with a couple of options:
}
} 10. The Supplicant-Didn't-Grovel-So-I'll-Weasel-My-Way-Out-Of-This-One
} method.
}
} Hey, where's my grovel?  ZOT!
}
} 9. The Blame-It-On-Joel-Furr method.
}
} Hey, only Joel Furr would ask that question!  Zot!
}
} 8. The If-I-Split-In-Two-Then-The-Evil-Oracle-Will-Answer-The-Question-
} For-Me-And-I'll-Make-The-Oracularities method.
}
} What a lovely day.  I'll just enjoy it and ...
} Hey!  What's going on?                          /
}                                  /-------------/
}                                 /
} Who are you?                    | It's me, the evil Oracle!
} What's up, evil Oracle?         | I'm here to destroy your empire.
} Wanna answer some questions?    | What?  No... Of course not.
} Seeya!                          / Where are you going?  Come back here!
}              /-----------------/
}             /
}
} 7. The Star-Trek-Episode method.
}
} KIRK: It... looks... like... a... question...
} SCOTTY: No more questions, Cap'n.  We don't have the power.
} BONES:  Dammit, Jim.  I'm a doctor, not an Oracle.
} SPOCK:  Hey Uhura...  That's a sexy dress.  Wanna go back to my place
}       and watch a movie or something?
} UHURA:  Groovy.
}
} 6. The Have-Sex-With-Lisa-To-Make-The-Supplicant-Forget-The-Question
} method.
}
} ORACLE: Hey Lise...  That's a sexy dress.  Wanna go back to my place
}       and watch a movie or something?
} LISA: Groovy.
} <cue bass guitar, fade to bedroom, turn on mood lights>
}
} 5. The Top-Ten-List method.
}
} This method is usually chosen when the Oracle has way too much time on
} his hands.  It almost always implies the Oracle hasn't gotten anything
} from Lisa for a long time...
}
} 4. The Alien-Language or CIA-Secret or Capn-Crunch-Decoder-Ring method.
}
} Let's see...  If I take the ascii representation fo each letter, add
} them up, multiply by x, integrate with respect to time, divide by y,
} take the square root, convert to Japanese, convert back to ascii, and
} reverse every other letter, I get: "What is your favorite color?"
}
} The answer is, of course, blue.  No... yellow.
}
} 3. The America-Online method.
}
} > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > All mighty Oracle! Who knows our thoughts before we think them; who
} > > sees our actions before we perform them; who always knows what to
} > > say when stuck in a difficult situation - please tell me this:
} > >
} > > Who do you ask when you have a question that you don't know the
} > > answer to?
}
} GEE  I DONT KNOW  WHY R U ASKING ME ANYWAYS  GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE THE LOCATION OF SOME DIRTY GIFS  SEND THE LOCATION
} TO ME AT BIFF@AOL.COM OR CALL ME AT 415-555-6534
}
} 2. The Poetry method.
}
} Roses are red,
} Violets are blue,
} you gave a grovel,
} I'm proud of you.
}
} Your question is bad,
} it raises doubt.
} That is something
} I'll do without.
}
} And now I must go,
} cause Lisa looks hot.
} For doubting my smarts,
} you get a *ZOT*.
}
} 1. The I've-Spent-Way-Too-Much-Time-On-This-Answer-So-I'll-Just-Write-
} Something-Down-Really-Quick-And-It'll-Suck-But-Who-Cares-Anymore
} method.
}
} True.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new girlfriend.  I haven't gotten anything from
} Lisa for a long time...


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