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Internet Oracularities #1

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Usenet Oracularities #1
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 9 Oct 89 14:30:56 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


1-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of the many branches of computer science uses oracles to solve
> many of its problems.  Perhaps the great usenet oracle can tell us,
> is P=NP?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is one of those P and NP and completeness problems ...
} to wit, you have asked if
}
}                       P = NP                                  (1)
}
} If you take into account the widespread use of equation numbers
} such as the one appearing here, then I can say unequivocally
} that the equation number is correct and proper.  Unfortunately,
} though, this implies that the equation P = NP is equivalent
} to equation number (1) in any other tome of knowledge you could find!
} Therefore, the answer is beyond comprehension, and best left
} to the contemplation of the oracle.  I have spoken.


1-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and mighty oracle, whose excrement I am unfit to lick ...
>
> Tell me how to attain knowledge and wisdom as great as thine own!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have pondered the question you haved asked, the way you asked it,
} and what you are really asking.  Your question does have an answer,
} but I don't think I should answer it.  The toils on the path of
} becoming an oracle are long and tedious and someone who uses the
} English language as you do does not have the determination, or the
} character to devote himself to pure, unbiased truth.
}
} As an oracle, my food (input) is words, my excrement is truth.
} You wording tells me you could never attain the level you seek.
} Cleanse your heart and mind and you may get a sense of TRUTH.
}
} So says the oracle.


1-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   When I open up the refrigerator, where does all the dark go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Silly mortal, have you never heard of a light bulb?  Obviouslly not.
} A light bulb is a small device ussually in the back of the
} refrigertator, that when not lit, is a very low-pressure vacumn.  When
} you open your fridge, a small switch opens an itty-bitty hole at the
} base of the bulb.  This vacumn then pulls all the dark in, exposing the
} natural state of order, light.
}
}    This is alos why parents tell you to make sure that you close the
} fridge "ALL the way", if you didn't some of the dark would escape and
} the inside would always be lit.
}
}   Occasionaly, you may find your fridge does not keep food cold, nor
} does it suck up all the dark, when this happens you need to recharge the
} freon (freon is latin for vacumn).
}
}   If you have any more questions, simply call the GE help line (24 hours
} a day, 365.25 days a year)


1-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've found a huge gapping hole in the MAKEKEY program.  it seems that
> there really is a way to make an unMAKEKEY.  and I have in fact made
> one.  Now, what should I do?  My girlfriend says that I should use it to
> break into government computers, because it gets her hot.  My wife says
> that I should forget how to do it, and must pretend it never happened.
> My brother-in-law second time removed says that we should sell it to the
> ruskies.  My dog just looks at me strange And worst of all the other 4th
> graders in my class don't believe me.
>
> HELP!!!!!!  I don't know what to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Well, Mr.  Weshley Crusher, first you should go to Capt.
} Puckard and tell him that you have done a very bad thing.  4th graders
} are not allowed to be married in most cultures.  The CERT division of
} the CIA has been alerted to your breaking of UNIX security, and their
} death squad should be there in a few minutes.
}
}         As punishment for desturbing the oracle, you must post the
} source code to comp.unix-wizards before the death team arrives.  This
} would settle a great debate that has bothered the oracle for many years.


1-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why must a fool and his money be soon parted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O foolish, foolish mortal.  This is so simple I almost decided to give
} this question to a disciple.  If a fool and his money wasn't parted,
} just think of what the fool would spend his money on?  A decade's supply
} of spam?  The complete Barry Manilow collection?  A house straddling
} Love Canal?  No, these don't compare to what a fool's money would be
} used for:  a better network that
} wouldn't garble !%&%#&gdso    02      27ry206320e734rrfts Ad#!($&
} 32    dasd %%%
}       31038 *#############109328741]


1-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why did the paper on my printer just get stuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head.  Listen!
} Printers do not eat cookies!  Hard disks eat cookies.  Printers eat ice
} cream--spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along like
} a car with sugar in the gas tank.  (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like to
} have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know that
} IBM is weird anyway.)


1-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       MU.
}
}       If the Oracle were physically present, it would now strike you a
} sharp blow with a stick and you would reach enlightenment.  Since it is
} not, you must go find a long wooden stick and rap yourself many times on
} the head until you become enlightened.  Fail in this, and you will
} become known as an untrue student of Zen.  (Hang your head in shame.)


1-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle:
> Can a man acheive true happiness by fasting, praying,
> and assembly language programming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is possible!  But that is perhaps the most arduous path
} possible!  Praying will certainly help.  But fasting will be difficult,
} at best.  You might consider a diet of just root beer, watered down, if
} you wish.
}
} Yet, the aspect of that path that is most horrible--most difficult to
} overcome will be assembly language programming.  Communicating with the
} system on its own terms ...  you must not only conquer the system,
} conquer YOURSELF.  For, after only two years of assembly language,
} several of my high priests could no longer speak normally.  They just
} wandered around saying `dbra d1, label' and `movqw a3@(#0xa, d1:w), d2.'
} Avoid this fate ...  and you will find happiness.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of Wheat Thins.


1-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY????:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, why not?  It's not like the general existence of the universe is
} specifically intended to waste *your* time.  C'mon, Grumble Puppy,
} lighten up!  Get a hobby!  Find a member of the appropriate gender and
} party your butt off!  Don't assume that these silly rhetorical questions
} *have* good answers; there's no real answer to "WHY?" save 1) "Why not?"
} and 2) "Because."
}
} so there.


1-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>            How many angels can dance on the head of a beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question can be determined by a rather complex
} equation.  The Oracle, however, cannot go into detail because of
} its complex nature.  What can be said is that there are two
} main factors involved in the equation:
}
} 1) The amount of beer drunk by the person viewing the angels dancing.
} 2) The amount of Pat Boone albums playing in the background.
}
} The amount of beer drunk by the angels is also a variable in the
} equation, but it drops out as the amount of beer drunk approaches
} infinity.


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