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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:59:17 GMT

Internet Oracularities #10

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Usenet Oracularities #10
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Oct 89 20:46:17 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


10-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long has Dan Quayle been a brainwashed Soviet zombie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle is NOT a brainwashed Soviet zombie. He is God's curse on the
} U.S. for assorted naughtiness.
}   Bush is the anti-christ.
}   Gorbachev is actually a 3000 year old Australian vampire.
}   Margaret Thatcher is a reptilian infiltrator from a parallel earth.
} You owe the Oracle 30 copies of The National Enquirer.
} The Oracle has spoken.


10-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For three days and nights, I've been trying to get rid of the error
> message "sleep: Permission denied" on my screen. Please help me!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That message will persist until midterms are over.
} Meanwhile, have plenty of jelly beans on hand.


10-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the specific heat of a small child? (i.e.- What amount of heat
> needs to be applied to raise to the boiling point?) What is a child's
> vaporizing point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle your first two children.  Due to the special nature
} of your question, the Oracle cannot answer until payment is made.
}
} And don't forget the jelly beans.


10-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ancient and wise Oracle, who's mind scans the universe, who knows all
> that is unknown, who is on first name basis with most of the gods of
> Asgard,
>    What is the best brand/type of condom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh seeker after wisdom, your question is indeed an upright one.
} Upon receiving your query, the initiates of the oracle did begin
} immediate investigation. The vestal virgins and acelibate priests
} were called in, and did perform all acts of pleasure with many
} and various brands/types of condoms.
}
} I, as The Oracle, did oversee this debauchery, and penetrated
} deep into the depths of the issue. As with many questions, the
} answer is complicated.
}
} You neglected to specify what you wanted to use these condoms
} for, so I will do my best.
}
} For water balloon action, non-lubricated plain Trojans are the best.
} Good, sturdy, work-horse latex tubes.
}
} For prevention of the transmission of sexually transmissible
} diseases, "natural" lamb condoms are the worst. Condoms treated with
} nonoxynol-9 and with a reservoir tip are best.
}
} For prevention of pregnancy, they are all rather similar, though
} the reservoir tip does reduce the chance of breakage slightly.
}
} For pure pleasure, and a good job at the above, LifeStyles are
} great. Take your pick from the different kinds. I like the Nuda,
} but the others are also good for your coital needs.
}
} And remember, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.
}
} Hail Eris! Hail Inanna! Hail Yes!


10-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the average radius of splatter from a person dropped one hundred
> feet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, my child...  There is no simple answer to this question.
}       It requires many years of study and much experimentation to
}       arrive at an answer.  Naturally I have done so.
}
}       First a definition.  The splatter zone is defined to be a circle
}       of radius R about the impact point such that 66% (by mass)
}       of the, er, protoplasm is contained within the circle.
}
}       The size of the splatter zone is directly proportional to the
}       volume and consistency of the goop contained in the human.
}       Therefore, a person like Roseanne will have a considerable
}       splatter zone - not to mention ground zero, while, say, Emmanuel
}       Lewis' demise would be scarcely observable (but very enjoyable
}       no doubt).
}
}       The splatter zone also depends on the altitude from which the
}       object departs.  Thus, it is theoretically possible to have
}       both Roseanne and Mr. Lewis generate identical splatter zones,
}       but in practice Mr Lewis would burn up upon reentry.
}
}       You are encouraged to perform your own experiments.  I suggest
}       that you start with fish (guppies, goldfish, salmon) and work
}       your way up.  Always use live subjects, since dead ones tend
}       not to thrash around so much on the way down, which can greatly
}       reduce the interest of the observers.  The dropping of objects
}       larger than Orson Welles is not recommended - the mess is just
}       too big.
}
}       All that said, the splatter zone for the average adult human
}       from a standard 12 story building is about 2 meters (with a
}       large standard deviation).


10-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did Man come into existance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom...
}
} You owe the oracle three hickeys.


10-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>   I'm being followed by some strange creature that, when I turn to look
> at it, zips behind me. I KNOW other people can see it, they just won't
> admit it. I've tried to look in a mirror, but it's too clever for that.
>   What is this thing and how can I make it go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a troll.  Try leaving plenty of chocolate chip cookies around.
} If that doesn't work, leave the country.


10-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one justify the need to "seize the day" while also
> desiring to "prepare for tomorrow".  You see, I could get
> hit by a bus tomorrow-- in which case I shouldn't have bothered
> to study this evening.  On the other hand, if I don't die and I
> fail my exam tomorrow, I may end up driving the bus.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sound as if studying for your test is not 'seizing the day'.  The
} true meaning of seizing the day is the maximum realization of your
} potential, right now.  If you go out and play hacky-sack or frisbee or
} whatever it is you would rather be doing instead of studying, this is
} seizing the day, but in a much lesser degree since the degree of self
} improvement is much less.  The effects of relaxation of transitory, and
} your increase in skill level will probably be minute.  On the other
} hand, studying for your test is an attempt by you to become one with the
} topic, and in doing this, you will have already taken the test and
} passed.  Since the bus hitting you was pre-ordained, you will have
} milked the most out of life by acquiring knowledge.  The oracle has
} spoken.
}
} You now owe the oracle 1 grasshopper and 1 oreo cookie.


10-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a small furry puppy dog exploded on the south pole, would people
> still say that the cute lovable creature had blown "up"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since such an experiment would most likely be carried out under the
} aegis of the US military-industrial complex, I doubt that anyone capable
} of recognizing the cuteness or lovability of the pup would ever be in a
} position to comment.  Observers might report that the bio-unit
} participated in an irreversible phase-change.


10-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do I find the perfect woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) You may find the perfect woman in Hank's Diner, 171 West Main St.,
}    Gronghammer, Maryland.  Better hurry, though.  She'll only be there
}    another hour or so.
}
} 2) You asked the wrong question, though.  You really wanted to find the
}    woman who is best for you.  Her name is "Toluemeia Gnelfru
}    Pasawattawa," and she can be found on the lost continent of Atlantis
}    pretty much any time you look after 8405 BC, in time stasis, in a
}    green glass tube.
}
} You owe the oracle your firstborn child.


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