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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:49:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #100

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100, 100-01, 100-02, 100-03, 100-04, 100-05, 100-06, 100-07, 100-08, 100-09, 100-10


Usenet Oracularities #100    (32 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Jan 90 00:53:59 GMT

*** Starting with this, the 100th edition of the Usenet Oracularities,
*** we're asking our faithful readers (and the not-so faithful ones, too)
*** to help us rate the Oracularities.  As you read an Oracularities
*** posting like this, jot down a rating from 1 (not funny) to 5 (very
*** funny) for each of the ten Oracularities.  Then mail your votes to
*** oracle-vote on iuvax.  This can probably be done with a mail reply to
*** this article.  Make sure you're not following-up to a newsgroup, but
*** sending the mail to oracle-vote.  The mail should contain the edition
*** number of the Oracularities on one line and your 10 ratings space-
*** seperated on another.  Eg:
***         100
***         2 4 3 1 1 4 3 5 3 3
*** We'll use your votes to learn what our readers find funniest and to
*** compile the most popular Oracularities for regular submissions to
*** rec.humor.funny.  Your help would be greatly appreciated!

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!

100   32 votes 5ac23 9e720 6a952 96b51 2ca62 28b65 3cd40 6a673 38c72 e8433
100   2.6 mean  2.6   2.1   2.6   2.5   2.8   3.1   2.6   2.7   2.9   2.2


100-01    (5ac23 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you win at Tetris? No, no, I mean: How can I win at Tetris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TETRIS!!!!!!!!!  You are asking me a question about a computer game!
} You think I have time for silly questions like this one.  There's a
} woman in Peoria who's having problems with the bunion on her left big
} toe, in Alli-alli-akbar-zpwing-shimmy-skboom, there's a new religion
} forming and there leader is asking me to be the Pope, besides that
} there's an endless series of yearning masses out there looking to ME for
} advice, and assistance in their puny lives.  And you ask me how to win
} at TETRIS.  Get real, I got better things to do.
}
} But, if you must know, try to drop the pieces into the holes they fit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of bunion cream, a Papal robe, a cattle prod,
} and a net access to Xtank.


100-02    (9e720 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous oracle answer me this:
>
> Why is the English word for mispronunciation (cacoepy) impossible to
> pronounce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's yet another one of those self-descriptive words, like "short" (a
} short word), "recherche", "awkwardnessfull", and "hydrogenated".


100-03    (6a952 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood?
> >
> >} Omega password accepted.
> >}
> >} What would you like to change, O Lord?
>
> PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty"
> SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold"
>
> IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS.
> DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you touch the keyboard, sparks leap up and sear your fingers.  You
} scream and turn to flee the room, but the Giant Latvian Death Squid is
} already filling the doorway with its tentacles...


100-04    (96b51 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now my apartment is full of lice and ice and flat flounders writing on
> the walls and bags of frozen blueberries crying for home and comfort and
> bed and dozens and dozens of little squirrrles all looking at me and
> saying "catacomb catacomb catacomb" at me in unison.  And there is a
> great big pear in one corner reading the New York Times.  And there is a
> great big orange in the other corner trying to figure out how to play
> the bassoon without a mouth.  And I haven't even mentioned the toasters,
> but I won't because it said it would turn all the toast into bacon if I
> said anything about it and I don't like bacon.  And Dan Rather is
> sitting on the blue elephant and eating taco chips and Phyllis Schlafly
> who isn't Just Saying No to anything at all today.  And the beef in
> oyster sauce is dancing a merry tango with the clay statue of Thomas
> Jefferson.  And there are two hundred and sixteen green glass marbles,
> too.
>
> But where are the skunks?  I invited the skunks specially!  This party
> is for them!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know what happened to the skunks.  They felt neglected that you missed
} their birthday.  Your invitation was lost in the mail.  So they went to
} a bar and got trashed.  On the way home they were mugged, raped, and
} ticketed for illegal parking.  When they woke up, they were in someone's
} house and they couldn't find the way home.  Now they are lost and they
} need help.  If I told you where the are, everyone's karma would be
} changed, which is bad.
}
} You owe the oracle a donation to the lost animals fund.


100-05    (2ca62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point.
> Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring.
> Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my
> mood so much better.  And then I get answers that are pathetic.
>
> Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends a lot on cosmic rays
} And how I feel on different days
} And how much shit I've had to eat,
} And karma foul from too much meat,
} And whether I know that Lisa cares
} And if I've still got my despairs,
} And if life's nerdly or life's fun,
} And if I find a clever pun.


100-06    (28b65 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much acid should I drop tomorrow?  What kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No more than 1 liter of Hydrochloric or 500 ml of Sulfuric.  Put
} something on the floor first, and clean up the glass shards when you're
} done.


100-07    (3cd40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can one ever be said to be an essential extension of one's own
> ontological existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         This depends entirely on how much, and what, you have been
} drinking at the party before philisophical discussions finally arise.
}
}         If multiple cocktails have been imbibed, making such utterences
} would be profound foolishness!  However after a single beer (if such is
} adequate to arouse deep speculation in the petitioner or his peers) then
} saying one is an essential extension of one's own ontological existence
} becomes a more practical challenge.


100-08    (6a673 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you know when you are really successful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are really successful when:
}
} 1.  Your ears fall off
} 2.  The moon turns blue
} 3.  The horses cough
} 4.  The ducks all moo.
} 5.  You know troff
} 6.  You can't canoe
} 7.  You're made of cloth.
} 8.  You hat's a shoe.
} 9.  You wax your wroth.
} 10. You wane it, too.
} 11. You are a sloth.
} 12. You are a shrew.
} 13. You catch a moth.
} 14. You catch a gnu.
}
} Those are the best signs.


100-09    (38c72 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, I come to you with a question.  Whenever it is
> midnight and the owls hoot at the rising moon, a strange feverish
> sensation overcomes me and I rush forth into the wilderness.  There I go
> and find a wild terminal growing on some oak tree, and hack until
> morning.  I go home exhausted but happy.  My question is this:  where
> can I find other people to enjoy this blythe sport?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For a compilation of real dreams, all writ down in the morning and
} stuff, write
}
}       NightMind
}       c/o rev etc
}       box 02024
}       columbus, oh 43202
}
} Send your dreams for a complete postal psycho analysis.  We commit
} mail Freud.
}
} You owe the oracle an all expenses paid vacation tour of the id.


100-10    (e8433 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pourquoi quand je tappe ici, mes mots sont en francais, et en mauvais
> francais sur tout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Parce que tu es infecte par un betisme ...  Sacre bleu!  Tu m'infecte
} avec le betisme!  Espece de cochon!  Il faut que tu n'utilise pas le net
} quand tu es infecte par un betisme!
}
} Tu me doit une _Petite Larousse_.


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