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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you win at Tetris? No, no, I mean: How can I win at Tetris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TETRIS!!!!!!!!!  You are asking me a question about a computer game! } You think I have time for silly questions like this one.  There's a } woman in Peoria who's having problems with the bunion on her left big } toe, in Alli-alli-akbar-zpwing-shimmy-skboom, there's a new religion } forming and there leader is asking me to be the Pope, besides that } there's an endless series of yearning masses out there looking to ME for } advice, and assistance in their puny lives.  And you ask me how to win } at TETRIS.  Get real, I got better things to do. } } But, if you must know, try to drop the pieces into the holes they fit. } } You owe the Oracle a can of bunion cream, a Papal robe, a cattle prod, } and a net access to Xtank.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous oracle answer me this: > > Why is the English word for mispronunciation (cacoepy) impossible to > pronounce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's yet another one of those self-descriptive words, like "short" (a } short word), "recherche", "awkwardnessfull", and "hydrogenated".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood? > > > >} Omega password accepted. > >} > >} What would you like to change, O Lord? > > PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty" > SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold" > > IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS. > DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you touch the keyboard, sparks leap up and sear your fingers.  You } scream and turn to flee the room, but the Giant Latvian Death Squid is } already filling the doorway with its tentacles...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now my apartment is full of lice and ice and flat flounders writing on > the walls and bags of frozen blueberries crying for home and comfort and > bed and dozens and dozens of little squirrrles all looking at me and > saying "catacomb catacomb catacomb" at me in unison.  And there is a > great big pear in one corner reading the New York Times.  And there is a > great big orange in the other corner trying to figure out how to play > the bassoon without a mouth.  And I haven't even mentioned the toasters, > but I won't because it said it would turn all the toast into bacon if I > said anything about it and I don't like bacon.  And Dan Rather is > sitting on the blue elephant and eating taco chips and Phyllis Schlafly > who isn't Just Saying No to anything at all today.  And the beef in > oyster sauce is dancing a merry tango with the clay statue of Thomas > Jefferson.  And there are two hundred and sixteen green glass marbles, > too. > > But where are the skunks?  I invited the skunks specially!  This party > is for them!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know what happened to the skunks.  They felt neglected that you missed } their birthday.  Your invitation was lost in the mail.  So they went to } a bar and got trashed.  On the way home they were mugged, raped, and } ticketed for illegal parking.  When they woke up, they were in someone's } house and they couldn't find the way home.  Now they are lost and they } need help.  If I told you where the are, everyone's karma would be } changed, which is bad. } } You owe the oracle a donation to the lost animals fund.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point. > Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring. > Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my > mood so much better.  And then I get answers that are pathetic. > > Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends a lot on cosmic rays } And how I feel on different days } And how much shit I've had to eat, } And karma foul from too much meat, } And whether I know that Lisa cares } And if I've still got my despairs, } And if life's nerdly or life's fun, } And if I find a clever pun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much acid should I drop tomorrow?  What kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No more than 1 liter of Hydrochloric or 500 ml of Sulfuric.  Put } something on the floor first, and clean up the glass shards when you're } done.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can one ever be said to be an essential extension of one's own > ontological existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         This depends entirely on how much, and what, you have been } drinking at the party before philisophical discussions finally arise. } }         If multiple cocktails have been imbibed, making such utterences } would be profound foolishness!  However after a single beer (if such is } adequate to arouse deep speculation in the petitioner or his peers) then } saying one is an essential extension of one's own ontological existence } becomes a more practical challenge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you know when you are really successful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are really successful when: } } 1.  Your ears fall off } 2.  The moon turns blue } 3.  The horses cough } 4.  The ducks all moo. } 5.  You know troff } 6.  You can't canoe } 7.  You're made of cloth. } 8.  You hat's a shoe. } 9.  You wax your wroth. } 10. You wane it, too. } 11. You are a sloth. } 12. You are a shrew. } 13. You catch a moth. } 14. You catch a gnu. } } Those are the best signs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, I come to you with a question.  Whenever it is > midnight and the owls hoot at the rising moon, a strange feverish > sensation overcomes me and I rush forth into the wilderness.  There I go > and find a wild terminal growing on some oak tree, and hack until > morning.  I go home exhausted but happy.  My question is this:  where > can I find other people to enjoy this blythe sport?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For a compilation of real dreams, all writ down in the morning and } stuff, write } }       NightMind }       c/o rev etc }       box 02024 }       columbus, oh 43202 } } Send your dreams for a complete postal psycho analysis.  We commit } mail Freud. } } You owe the oracle an all expenses paid vacation tour of the id.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pourquoi quand je tappe ici, mes mots sont en francais, et en mauvais > francais sur tout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Parce que tu es infecte par un betisme ...  Sacre bleu!  Tu m'infecte } avec le betisme!  Espece de cochon!  Il faut que tu n'utilise pas le net } quand tu es infecte par un betisme! } } Tu me doit une _Petite Larousse_.