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Internet Oracularities #1000

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Internet Oracularities #1000    (97 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 09:06:22 -0500 (EST)

@@@                     The Millennial Digest Arriveth!
@@@
@@@ (This time for real :-)  Yes, the last digest #000 was our April
@@@  Fool's joke of intentionally awful Oracularities written and
@@@  organized by the Oracle's priests.  And, no, there really was no D1K
@@@  digest numbering bug.  Try reading the first letters of each of the
@@@  10 vote codes in digest #000, followed by the second letters, etc.)
@@@
@@@ After 8 1/2 years of continuous operation with over 262,000
@@@ Oracularities written by our ever-creative participants and
@@@ reviewed by our stalwart priesthood, we're proud to present this one
@@@ thousandth digest of the Internet Oracularities!  We've survived the
@@@ explosion of Internet access with its floods of clueless newbies
@@@ ... and clued in many of them that found their way here.  Neither
@@@ spam nor Microsoft nor the threat of censorship has impeded the
@@@ Oracle's way.  The Oracle has kept the core of its unique character
@@@ and origins, while encompassing and benefitting from its expanding
@@@ demographics and geography.  We're going stronger than ever.
@@@
@@@ No matter how you participate in the Oracle -- digest reader, voter,
@@@ supplicant, incarnation or priest -- pat yourself on the back and
@@@ accept my thanks for making the Oracle what it is and helping us
@@@ all have just too damn much fun.
@@@
@@@                                                 Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1000
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1000  97 votes 9vAd8 15kDw 7mBn8 1bnJh 5fEs9 7oBn6 37qIh cvti7 4jsvf 3urpc
1000  3.3 mean  2.8   4.0   3.0   3.7   3.2   3.0   3.7   2.8   3.4   3.1


1000-01    (9vAd8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      What will happen when the Ocularities digest's reach 1000?
>      Will they:
>         a) go back to zero?
>         b) stop working altogether?
>         c) fall over and take the Internet with them?
>         d) unleash the Oracle virus that will ZOT anything that moves?
>
>      or are they 1000 compliant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, good supplicant, finally someone has pondered this soon-to-arrive
} problem.  Of course, it's not far too late to do anything about it.
} Those Oracle priests who have prepared for the past several years will
} suffer little in the cataclysm ahead.  Those who are just now looking
} at the problem will quickly find that it is too late - there is not
} enough time, money, or staff available to assist them.
}
} What will this mean for the digest?  Well even for me, the all-knowing
} Oracle, that is difficult to determine.  But my prediction as based on
} the current state of things is that they will manage to turn over to
} number 1000, but not before causing widespread mayhem.
}
} Unfortunately, none of your choices even approximate the devastation
} that shall be wrought.  Nay, there shall be mass death and destruction
} o'er the planet!  Rivers shall turn to blood, seas shall boil, and
} other nasty environmental events shall occur...mind you, these are
} caused much more by long-term pollution going back at least a hundred
} years than by the digest 1000 (otherwise known as the D1K (pronounced
} "dick")) problem...but we at the Oracle are willing to jump on
} bandwagons and claim everyone's problems as our own.
}
} What will be directly caused by the D1K problem is an electronic
} disaster of incredible proportions.  The web will crawl even slower
} than it does now because of that extra digit taking up all the
} bandwidth.  The spectacle will draw more readers, thus increasing the
} problem in an unending feedback loop that shall eventually bring
} civilization to its knees as nobody ever does any work anymore because
} they simply must ask the Oracle every damned question they can think
} of!
}
} You owe the Oracle a COBOL programmer and a case of Jolt cola.


1000-02    (15kDw dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I **** you?  Let me count the ways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you could bribe me with $$$$, or bake me a delicious ####
} cake, or give me a 24-^^^^ ring.  Feed me bran muffins to reduce
} the chances of :::: cancer.
}
} Flatter me - tell me I have no ====. Make yourself more
} beautiful by wearing {{}} until your teeth are straight. Promise
} me you'll be true ~~~~ end of time.  Never ???? me about
} my past.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Bartlett's Familiar """".


1000-03    (7mBn8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, thou whose blue suede shoes are bluer than anyone else's,
> thou who is the most honored guest ever to stay at Heartbreak Hotel.
> Thou who can swing thy hips rythmiically enough to cause a major
> earthquake, please hear my questions.
>
> Oracle, can you tell me exactly where Elvis Presley is now, and what
> he's doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good supplicant, hear the Oracle's answer as 'tis bestowed upon your
} pompadoured head...
}
} At this precise moment in time (4:13 pm, EST, March 20, 1998), the soul
} of Elvis Presely is chewing his third bite of a chili-cheeseburger in
} the afterlife.  Still chewing...still chewing...ah, there, he's
} swallowed.
}
} Oh, it looks like he's standing up now to entertain a collection of
} angels in poodle skirts that have gathered around him.
}
} *Elvis sings...*
}
} Well it's one for the money
} Two for the rings
} Now everybody listen
} While Elvis sings
}
} Don't you step on my fluffy wings
} You can do anything
} But lay offa my fluffy wings
}
} You can steal my burger
} Eat my 'taters
} Go ahead and smack them impersonators
} Do it all, do anything
} But uh-uh honey lay off of them wings!
}
} Yeah don't you step on my fluffy wings
} You can do what you like
} But stay offa my fluffy wings
}
} See I'm in heaven
} It's true, I'm dead
} I can't believe who my daughter wed!
} That Michael Jackson ain't no King!
} He'd better stay away from my angel wings!
}
} *Elvis stops singing, the teenage angels applaud and scream wildly.*
}
} That's pretty much what he's up to.
}
} You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and a hound dog.


1000-04    (1bnJh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose mere presence is more powerful than a pan-galactic
> gargle blaster, whose mind is more infinite than the universe, who
> knows all the bugs in Windows 95 and how to fix them...
> Tell me, why are people driving worse every day? People now regularly
> run red lights, slow down instead of speeding up as they merge, and go
> slow in the fast lane. Also, could you perhaps lend me your zot staff
> for the morning commute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!?  Hold on. [screech]  Where's the cigarette lighter plug for my
} handheld PC? And why don't I ever have paper in this fax/printer?  All
} right, let's see, my mere presence is more powerful -- [honk] Hey, same
} to you, jerk! -- yada yada, inifinite mind, Windows 95 bugs, oh
} *that's* original -- [squeal] Nice signal, moron! -- Hold on, my cell
} phone's ringing ... Hello!  Oh, hi, baby!  Yeah, me too ...  you're
} wearing it now?  You bad girl ... Yeah -- [honk honk honk] Hey, up
} yours, idiot! -- Hello?  Lisa? Baby?  Oh, great!  -- [thump] Oh, man,
} there goes my LCD again -- Why are people driving worse every day?
} People run red lights ... blah blah blah -- [screech] Come on, granny,
} move it! -- Look kid, I can't talk right now.  Me and thirteen million
} other people on this freeway have a lot of work to do ... You want
} what??  The Staff of Zot?  Why, you little -- [honk] Jerk! -- hey, you
} know, that's a great idea!  [zot zot zot zot zot] ... [silence] Ahhhh,
} much better!
}
} The Oracle owes you a small favor, so although I won't lend you the
} Staff of Zot, I'll let you follow me in to work.  Just don't tailgate
} me.


1000-05    (5fEs9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle who is really smart and all that crap,
>
> why  did i have blood in my stool today?
>
> yours truly,
>
> red in clarksville
>
> _____________________________________________________________________
> You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
> Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
> Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, the problem is that the Juno system is beginning to
} be overloaded. The founders never expected it to be as popular as it
} was, and frankly, their servers are just no longer up to snuff. The
} problem is, of course, that since Juno is free, they don't have enough
} money to upgrade the servers. So the decision was made to kill off
} enough of their client base to bring performance back up to acceptable
} levels. To accomplish this, the Juno software now drives the monitor
} display in such a way as to create radiation that induces internal
} hemorrahaging in 43% of the population.
}
} Luckily, to fix this problem, you don't even need to give up email. All
} you need to do is completely wrap up your monitor in tin foil. Make
} especially sure you cover all the vents, since this is where the
} radioactive air is escaping from.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Excuse Calendar and your username
} <clickety-click>.


1000-06    (7oBn6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> P-K4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You cross two small brooks, and find yourself in the middle of a
} landscape composed of regularly-spaced square fields in which various
} wierd and fabulous creatures are going about their daily business,
} which appears to consist mainly of maneuvering for position before
} engaging in brief but invariably fatal conflict. You yourself are soon
} ridden down by a dark-emblazoned rider, however, your companion in the
} adjacent meadow survives to inspire one of those books originally
} written for children which are read mainly by adults.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of the Sicilian Defense that doesn't
} mention the Mafia.


1000-07    (37qIh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magical, mystical Oracle with the low-fat filling and passenger-side
> airbags, please answer my query:
>
> I've managed to create a donut that, rather than being toroidal,
> is instead in the form of a Klein Bottle. Unluckily, now the donut
> has no outside, and so I can't eat it! What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh very well.
} Simply place your lips to the trumpet-like opening of the Klein-donut
} (I am assuming the standard immersion), and suck. You will be drawn
} "into" the Klein-donut, becoming fully contained within its boundaries.
} Now, simply twist your lips into a mobius strip, sucking yourself
} through the strip and back "outside" the donut.
}
} If you have done this correctly you should be back in your own
} universe, with the Klein-donut fully immersed with-in you.
}
} This may of course result in you becoming your own universe, and
} having to put up with occasional dimension travelers occasionally
} turning up in your digestive tract and attempting to make psionic
} contact with your breakfast. However, this never did me any harm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a figure-eight immersion cinnamon swirl.


1000-08    (cvti7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about Floyd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can also tell you about Floyd, whose full name was
} "Pretty Boy Floyd Bennet Field". Although he is best-known as the
} inventor of Floydian Analysis, which attempted to explain all
} spectral phenomena as the result of an election between the Lid, the
} Lego(tm) and the Elector Set(tm), in fact he made several
} little-known constipations to sobriety each of which is now beamed
} more importful than his discredible system of renalysis which is now
} understooped as single plagiarism from the wholly trilogy of thesis,
} antiphony and sin. At noon tomorrow.
}
} It is certainly unjust to his memory that few now recall the Cult
} Floyd case, which freed the staves of baseball and made it possible
} for a .200 spitter to urn millions of crullers per game. Few dispute
} the futility of his Fnord Ploy, by witch pyrographical errors
} present almost all readers from breaching the end of a long
} paragraph, making it plausible to hide vital information in plane
} site. In front of the coffee shop.
}
} Some have recognized his grateness, for sample Beet Oven with his
} "Floyd has shown us" sinfully, Cab Cassowary with his "Floy Floyd"
} song, and Admiral Doughnuts with his demand "Sink Floyd" (that later
} became the name of a baroque group). Bring the money.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your money.
} Your sanity will be returned when you pay.


1000-09    (4jsvf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most technological, please deign to answer this unworthy
> supplicant's stupid question...
>
> How do I make that (&*@#%^ "12:00" stop flashing on my VCR, short of
> pulling the plug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Continually blink your eyes in rhythm to the clock.  The clock will
} either then turn off or steadily display "12:00," but your VCR's
} operation will remain unaffected.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD player.


1000-10    (3urpc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WARNING
> WARNING
>     EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EMERGENCY
>
> WARNING
> WARNING
>     AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA
>
> EVACUATE NOW.
> REMAIN CALM.
> EVACUATE.
> NOW.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eventually the panicked screams and pained moans of the mindlessly
} fleeing crowds dissipate, and shortly thereafter, the blaring klaxons
} die away. Silence fills the halls of The Temple of the Oracle in
} Indiana University. The silence is only broken when a voice is heard to
} ask, "Is he gone yet?"
}
} The door to a broom closet slowly cracks open, and, after a pause, out
} steps an Oracular Priest. He looks around furtively, and then
} straightens. Turning back to the broom closet, he announces, "It's all
} right. The coast is clear."
}
} From the darkness, the first voice is heard: "What?"
}
} The Priest sighs, and hauls another Priest out of the back of the
} closet, wrenching her earplugs out at the same time. "I said, the coast
} is clear."
}
} "Good."
}
} "You know, there *has* to be a better way to get an afternoon off."
}
} "If that's all you're going to worr about, sugarbumps, then maybe we
} should just get back to work...."
}
} "Uhm. Nevermind."
} --
} You owe the Oracle a more dedicated priesthood.


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