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Internet Oracularities #1001

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1001, 1001-01, 1001-02, 1001-03, 1001-04, 1001-05, 1001-06, 1001-07, 1001-08, 1001-09, 1001-10


Internet Oracularities #1001    (82 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 4 Apr 1998 00:11:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1001
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1001  82 votes aykd5 3kum7 epog3 8mlfg 4nvk4 4cnvc drrc3 9qfkc 7bnoh 7luea
1001  3.0 mean  2.6   3.1   2.6   3.1   3.0   3.4   2.6   3.0   3.4   3.0


1001-01    (aykd5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ['When you wish upon a star' theme playing in the background, images of
> joyful priests and priestesses jumping up and down]
>
> Internet Oracle!  You've just published Oracularity 1000!
> What are you going to do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, I'm going to work on getting digest number 1001 out, of course.
} I can't allow myself to take a vacation -- you supplicants need all the
} help you can get.
}
} You owe the Oracle a much larger endorsement fee if you even want
} me to consider hawking your jumped-up little amusement park.


1001-02    (3kum7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious and spell-binding of all entities that have ever
> used a finger bowl, answer my question please, oh worldly Oracle!
>
> If you could bring back to life any five humans from the past
> to be guests of Lisa and yourself at an evening's dinner party
> whom would you pick and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, that is an interesting question indeed.  It is
} difficult to confine my answer to picking only humans from your past,
} as your species has hardly developed and there are so many more
} interesting humans in the species' future, but let me endeavour to
} answer your question.
}
} The first historical human I would bring back to life for our dinner
} party would be Samuel Clemens (better known as Mark Twain).  Every
} dinner party needs an entertaining and interesting storyteller, and he
} was known to be one of the best.
}
} Second would be Albert Einstein, another great man known for both his
} intelligence and his wit, a great thinker who could also relate and
} impart wisdom to those who weren't great thinkers... Not that that's a
} problem for me, of course, but I wouldn't want our other guests to get
} bored!
}
} Third would be Cleopatra, one of the great women of history, sure to
} have stories to tell and an exotic air to lend to our little gathering.
} Besides, she might even be able to teach Lisa some new tricks after
} dinner, if you catch my drift!
}
} Fourth would be the great philosopher and theorist Socrates, sure to
} draw the others into debates about the merits of each of their varied
} disciplines... The discussions we'd all have would be sure to enlighten
} and entertain humanity!
}
} And finally, the last human I would bring back from the dead is Keith
} Richards, because seeing him perform these days in his condition is
} just sad.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tablecloth (soft greens and blues would be best
} for the current dining room decor) and a set of Riedel crystal
} stemware, and some Vivarin for Keith.


1001-03    (epog3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The President is pondering your seduction.
>
> Expect some fondling in a day or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kenneth Starr is pondering your case.
}
} Expect some black-mailed fondling in a day or two.


1001-04    (8mlfg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, lo-cal info source and friend of Billy Shears...
>
> Are Dr. Pepper and Sgt. Pepper related?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thankfully, no. What with commercial sponsorship of tours, Spice Girls
} sponsored by Pepsi, etc., just be thankful that the music of at least
} one classic decade was left alone.
}
} Just look what would have happened if Sgt. Pepper's had been released
} this year.
}
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}       --------------------------------
}
}       It was twenty years ago today,
}       Dr Pepper taught the can to spray
}       He's being shaking it for a while
}       And it's gonna shoot up to the sky
}       So if a cop is walking by
}       And you want to make him crack a smile
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}
}       We're Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}       We hope you have a face-flannel
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}       I think this can is gonna blow
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Dr Pepper's Projectile
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}
}       It's wonderful to be here
}       My can is very very full
}       You've such a pompus attitude
}       We'd like to soak your face for you
}         We'd love to soak your face
}
}       I don't really want to stop the show
}       But my can is running out of flow
}       I've got to go get me some
}       That I can mix and match with Rum
}       So let me introduce to you
}       The fizzy drink to give you joy
}       Dr Pepper's Projectile Cola Band
}
}       Fizz-Fizz-Fizz
}
}       With A Little Help from Aspartamine
}       -----------------------------------
}
}       What would you do if I made you a drink
}       Would you try out a sample for free
}       Lend me your ears and I tell you a tale
}       Of how to keep coke caffine free
}
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it's lo-cal with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}
}       What are the side effects of caramel
}       (Does it worry you that you'll get sued)
}       If I use SO4 can the customers tell
}       (Burger King uses that in its food)
}
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it's lo-cal with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}
}       (Did you bribe the FDA?)
}       I don't have a comment on that
}       (Did you test the sweetener on rabbits?)
}       Yes, and maybe a rat
}
}       (Would you believe that it's got nutrients)
}       Yes, if you do not drink water you'll die
}       (What about the butane rings and all that)
}       I can bloat you so badly you'll fly
}
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it's lo-cal with a little dash Aspartamine
}       Yes, it tastes great with a little dash Aspartamine
}
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       --------------------------------
}
}       Picture a girl who is flashing her knickers
}       With tangerine boob tubes and marmalade stockings
}       There's some voice over who's talking quite slowly
}       About Dr Pepper's suprise
}       We had to buy out their Pepsi contract
}       It cost us an arm and a leg
}       Look for the girl with a brain cell that works
}       And there's none
}
}       Follow them down to their manager's offices
}       With lawyers and agents, commission so high
}       Everyone smiles at the new photo spread
}       To push Dr Pepper's surprise
}       All of their fans who would only drink Pepsi
}       Will soon be drinking our sludge
}       Look for the girl who drinks this herself
}       And there's none
}
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola Ooo-eerrr
}
}       Picture yourself on a train in a station
}       Choosing a can with your favourite girl
}       Viccy is 'Cherry' and Geri is 'Classic'
}       And 'Teen Hits' mag wants to know why
}
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola Ooo-eerrr
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola
}       Spice Girls in the Sky with Cola Ooo-eerrr
}
}       Getting Clearer
}       ---------------
}
}       It's getting clearer all the time
}       I used to get mad at my school (so I did complain)
}       The cola I bought there not cool (so I did complain)
}       It tasted so flat (ah) insipid and that (ah)
}       And had too much food colouring.
}
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       A little clearer all the time (couldn't get more dark)
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       It's getting clearer - no colouring.
}
}       Me used to be sickly young man
}       Me skin the same colour as sand
}       You cut colouring
}       And gained following
}       It looks like I've got meths in this can
}
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       A little clearer all the time (couldn't get more dark)
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       It's getting clearer - no colouring.
}
}       I used to drink all sorts of colours
}       All yellow and purple and plaid and tartan and green
}       That was unclean but I'm changing my scene
}       And I'm drinking this colourless can
}
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       A little clearer all the time (couldn't get more dark)
}       I've got to admit it's getting clearer (clearer)
}       It's getting clearer - no colouring.
}
}       Getting so much clearer all the time
}       It's getting clearer all the time (clearer clearer clearer)
}       It's getting clearer all the time (clearer clearer clearer)
}       Productions so much cheaper all the time
}
}       Pulling a Tab
}       -------------
}
}       I'm pulling the tab on the top of this tin
}       Though I cannot see a bin
}       Where it could go
}       I'm littering streets where bare footed kids
}       Keep the band aid company
}       In clover
}
}       And it really doesn't matter where
}       I throw it away
}       If I throw it away
}       On the ground
}
}       See the cleaner looking bored, with nothing to, occupy him
}       I think I drop my crisp packet as well
}
}       I'm dropping my cans from morning to dusk
}       And Dr Pepper disowns all
}       Responsibility.
}
}       And it really doesn't matter where
}       I throw it away
}       If I throw it away
}       On the ground
}
}       Park wardens don't give me fines I pay them off from time to time
}       And you wonder why the park's a mess
}
}       I'm dropping a can in the rainwater drain
}       And causing blockages when it rains
}       And a flood grows
}       And a flood flows
}
}       I'm dropping a can in the rainwater drain
}       And causing blockages when it rains
}       And a flood grows
}       And a flood flows
}
}       Breakfast at Home
}       -----------------
}
}       Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
}       Dr Pepper on Rice Crispies
}       Is the breakfast that most pleases
}
}       Father walks to the toilet clutching his abdomen
}       Noisily voiding his evening tea
}       Cough and choke a bit and he's free
}
}       Dr (We never thought much of milk)
}       Pepper (Or other things of that ilk)
}       Breakfast (I'll never again dip my biscuits in tea)
}       I've giving up coke the damn stuff makes me choke
}       And don't mention beers
}
}       Father burps as the fizz spits up from his scrambled egg
}       He'll never eat omlets without Pepper
}       He pours the brown liquid on his kipper
}       Mother walks in and asks him about dental work
}       It has dissolved all his known teeth
}       He bought some false ones he don't feel no grief
}
}       Dr (We never thought much of milk)
}       Pepper (Or other things of that ilk)
}       Breakfast (I'll never again dip my biscuits in tea)
}       I've giving up coke the damn stuff makes me choke
}       And don't mention beers
}
}       Friday morning at nine o'clock he is working hard
}       He works on computer you know what that means
}       There are boxes of Pepper and drinks machines
}
}       Dr (We never thought much of milk)
}       Pepper (Or other things of that ilk)
}       Breakfast (I'll never again dip my biscuits in tea)
}       I've giving up coke the damn stuff makes me choke
}       And don't mention beers
}
}       Breakfast at home (my my)
}
} You owe The Oracle another question to get the remainder of the songs.


1001-05    (4nvk4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who is so great that this measly mortal has been
> inspired to write a poem in the Australian tradition in your honour:
>
> *ahem*
>
> Orrie, Orrie, Orrie! Oi! Oi! Oi!
>
> O wondrous Oracle, please answer my question:
>
> In your most sublime and informative answer to my last question
> you requested three nubile virgins, a 55 gallon drum of yak lard,
> a bright red Siamese fighting fish and a hot pink clean room suit
> like they have in the Pentium commercials.  Oh, and a copy of Hamlet
> translated into Icelandic.
>
> While all of these are being FedEx-ed to you as I write, you have
> piqued my curiosity.  What are you planning to use these items for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    What else?  Rowdy Dinner Theatre in Reykjavik! In this upbeat
}    dramatic exploration, our Melancholy Dane scores some Zoloft,
}    then cavorts with a blissed-out Ophellia (or 3) in the traditional,
}    geothermally-heated tub of warm fat.  As things heat up, the query
}    "To fry, or not to fry?" is heard, pensively (and rhetorically)
}    addressed to the fish.
}
}   (The suit is for Horatio, who, regrettably, is allergic to Yak lard.)


1001-06    (4cnvc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, all-knowing, wise oracle, is there really extra-terrestrial
> life in outer-space?  Do these life forms, if they exist, monitor
> our daily activities? Are they more intelligent than we are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, please think more carefully about your questions. Here we
} are, you're sending questions to an anonymous email server in Indiana,
} and I'm actually answering them. You're now attempting to get any
} sort of response out of altavista for the tenth time in an hour,
} while I'm having similar problems with deja news. Both of us are
} inside an office and a computer lab respectively when we should be
} out having fun.  We're both wasting our time, but at least we aren't
} burning off more energy than we'll get from a can of coke or two.
}
} Now, you postulate that somewhere in the cosmos, there are aliens
} who are expending vast amounts of energy and resources to overcome
} the inverse square law and send equipment to our distant planet.
} Solely to observe us perform these sad activities. Then you ask if
} these aliens are more intelligent than us...
}
} Supplicant, if there are such aliens, we're not talking 'more
} intelligent than us', we're talking *major* stupidity here.
} We're talking about aliens who carry prompt cards to remind them in
} which order to breathe.  We're talking aliens who probably consider
} the 'golden' era of art and philosophy in their civilisation was
} when they were still amoebas.  We're talking aliens who buy their
} equivalent to coke in six packs ... because that way they're sure to
} pour at least one of them into the right oriface.
}
} Think about it, I'm sure you'll agree with me.
}
} You owe The Oracle an explanation for that five foot high spider
} with all the strange equipment and the cards marked 'in out in out'
} who has taken up residence in my closet.


1001-07    (drrc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, before whom I should grovel until the sun falls from the
> sky, although it's far more likely that the earth will fall into the
> sun now that I think about it, and besides, I don't want to get my
> pants dirty.
>
> How do I stop the impending war in the Home Electronics department from
> spreading to Ladies shoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   When the Earth falls into the sun, we'll all get our pants dirty, so
} ya don' gotta be worried there, youll blend RIGHT in.  Anywho: Heres
} the plan, k? Ladies shoes is.. well, special. You know that, right?
} How many evenings have you taken the used merchandise home and spent
} a rich and meaningful evening communing, sniffing deeply of the sole of
} those lovelies who frequent yer lair... that is,  department? Dont
} answer, I already know.  So. Its up to you to preserve it, right? Right.
}   The first thing ya need is camo fatigues. Its a tradition. Army Navy
} shop, Soldier of Fortune mag, whatever. Ready ? Good. Step # 2: Look
} in the mirror and repeat: "I am NOT a whacko". Just as if it were
} actually true. Watch out for that wide eyed psycho-stare thingey.
} Review tapes of David Koresh to get the timing *just* right. Thats it.
} Till ya get it convincing. Fat chance. Anyway.
}   Step #3: Ya need a written list of yer demands. In English, not
} Klingon.  I know you speak it fluently, but it plays havoc with the
} sound bite boys on the evening news. Undereducated pretty-boy whimps,
} you'll make them all pay.. but I digress.  Tonights sanity-challenged
} demands list special is: World peace, Termination of Chinas favored
} trade status, Cure for cancer, and a Dominos special... Settle for what
} you can get there, but no Parmesian, no deal. Have them deliver it to
} Lakeside Landings Apts. in Tacoma Washington, and que the bill to
} Donald Trump, he's already in Ch 11 and won't mind, really.
}   You may wonder what all this does for Womens (oh baby) shoes. The
} answer is: Virtually nothing.. but, don't ya feel better now? There,
} there, it's okay.
}       You owe the Oracle cookies and milk.. and something in a loafer.


1001-08    (9qfkc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ANSI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey pal, I'm the one doin' the ANSI around here. Your job is the ASCII.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ripterm editor.


1001-09    (7bnoh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Supplicant:
> Uh, yeah, I know you're not going to like this, but, uh, well, I found
> this outside.
>
> <Hands over a burnt piece of cloth>
>
> Supp.:
> I think it's Zodoc's.
>
> Oracle:
> Where did you find this?
>
> Supp.:
> I was walking to the temple, like the priest told me to, and all of a
> sudden, this guy comes running up, holds up a big metal rod, and yells
> something about "Kendai is avenged", whatever that means, and then, out
> of nowhere, this big bolt of lightning came, and, well, this was all
> that was left.
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  I see ... and what is it that you think we should do about
} this?
}
} Supplicant:  Well!  I think it's obvious, isn't it, that Kendai has
} done great bodily injury to Zodoc, and so, of course, he should be
} fired, and someone else found to take his place as young, but eager,
} assistant to you.
}
} Oracle:  Mm hmm.  And that young, but eager, assistant would be ...
}
} Supplicant:  Well, hey!  You know, I'm not doing anything important
} with my life!  I could do it!
}
} Oracle:  You could?  Really?
}
} Supplicant:  You bet!
}
} Oracle:  All right, boys, I've heard enough.  Get him!
}
} [A brief struggle ensues while the supplicant is bound and trussed up
} by several priests.]
}
} Supplicant:  Hey, man!  I was only trying to help!  What's the deal?
}
} Oracle:  The deal is that we don't like spies around Oracle HQ!
}
} Supplicant:  Spies?  Oh, wow, man!  What are you talking about?
}
} Oracle [thrusting cloth in supplicant's face]:  Whose did you say this
} was?
}
} Supplicant:  Um, Zodoc's.
}
} Oracle [to priests]:  Do we know anyone by that name, people?
} [snickers from the priests]  I didn't think so.  You know what, kid?  I
} don't think there *is* a Zodoc!  And I don't think you saw Kendai do
} anything!  And, what's more, I think you're -- a newbie!  [gasps from
} the priests]
}
} Supplicant:  No way, man, I'm a loyal supplicant!
}
} Oracle:  All right, then, what creature, milligram for milligram, is
} the fiercest on the planet?
}
} Supplicant:  Uh ...
}
} Oracle:  How much wood would a w**dchuck chuck if a w**dchuck could
} chuck wood?
}
} Supplicant:  Um ... how do you talk with those asterisks?  That's cool
}
} Oracle:  What's the name of Thag's buddy?
}
} Supplicant:  Er ...
}
} ... Oracle:  Three strikes!  You're out!  Look kid, I can't have
} newbies hanging around my inner chambers.  I don't particularly like
} Kendai, but do you think I'm going to replace him with someone who
} doesn't know exactly how angry I get when my priests try to hit on
} Lisa? [gulping from the priests] Someone who doesn't know the intimate
} details of all my regular characters? Someone who DOESN'T EVEN GROVEL
} at the beginning of their tellme?
}
} Supplicant:  Okay, okay, I'm a newbie!  I'm sorry!
}
} Oracle:  Kid, it's okay.  I'm gonna let you go.  After all, we were all
} newbies once.
}
} Supplicant:  Gosh, Mr. Oracle, even you?
}
} Oracle:  Well, no, not me.  But everyone else.  Now you run along and
} learn how to grovel, and I sentence you to forty tellmes of asking only
} original questions, or until you've read enough Oracularities to really
} know all the cliches.
}
} Supplicant:  Okay, Mr. Oracle.  I'm out of here!
}
} Oracle:  All right, you nitwits, he's gone.
}
} [Zadoc's twin brother, Zodoc, emerges from behind a curtain.  He is
} blackened by soot and his clothes are in shreds.  Kendai slinks out
} from behind another curtain, holding the Staff of Zot behind his back.]
}
} Oracle:  Listen up, morons.  This is the last time I'm telling you.
} Zodoc, you stay inside the building and stay out of Kendai's way.  Do
} you think I want the whole world to know I've got *two* priests like
} you?  And Kendai, if you so much as look at the Staff of Zot again, I'm
} gonna hire that newbie kid to search for your body parts all over the
} planet!  Understand?  Now get out of here!
}
} Zodoc and Kendai:  Yes, master!
}
} Oracle [to priests]:  Watch that kid, you lot.  He knows a little too
} much
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to stay tuned.


1001-10    (7luea dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who needs no pitch-man, whose name rings a bell, whose every
> utterance could stop a speeding pick-up truck of drunken teenagers in
> its tracks!
>
> Where do they grow those startling uniform branch-less
> trees that they use to make telephone poles out of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Creosote Flats, nyuck nyuck.
}
} Actually, telephone poles are not produced from tree trunks at all.
} The common yucca of the Californian Mojave and Mexican Sonora has a
} broad "base plate" right at ground level, to help keep the plant from
} pitching over sideways during Santa Ana winds.  While the Californian
} plants are protected, the Mexican ones are not.  Yucca are harvested--
} the bulk of the plant going to tequila production-- and the base
} plates shipped to pressing and forming factories.  The plates are
} nailed together until the pole is of the desired length, and finally
} wrapped in palm fronds coated with decay-resistent creosote.  (This
} process also simplifies the insertion of the foot-ladder metal bars.)
}
} European telephone poles are manufactured from Russian Thistle-- more
} commonly known as "tumbleweed"-- which has a similar base plate.
} Indeed, tumbleweed was not an accidental introduction to the American
} West-- tumbleweed plantations were deliberately established before the
} Mojave yucca reserves were well documented.
}
} The Australians attempted to break from tradition and manufacture
} telephone poles from eucalyptus trees, which are branchless for most
} of their length-- but since koala bears are drawn to the scent of
} eucalyptus sap, linemen kept encountering starving, enraged koalas
} clambering hand over hand down the lines with jaws agape.
}
} In South America, they attempted something similar with rubber trees--
} which had the advantage that the high latex content obviated the need
} for insulators.  However, in high, gusty crosswinds, the poles over a
} large region would bend entirely too far-- and when they recoiled, the
} resulting wave would propagate up the line and hurl workers from their
} posts as far as 120 kilometers away.
}
} African telephone "poles" are actually large live termite colonies.
}
} You owe the Oracle two telephone Poles, with toolbelts and shoe spikes.


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