} Email, paperless libraries, banking without cash--it's the Internet,
} and its the wave of the future. Joining me via satellite from
} Philadelphia, Sanford Wallace; from Los Angeles, the dancing baby;
} and here in the studio with me in New York, the Internet Oracle.
} That's next on Larry King Live.
} <opening credits>
} LARRY KING: Good evening, good evening, good evening. The Internet:
} it's big news. It's also big business. Sanford Wallace,
} your company, Cyberpromotions, made 23 million dollars last
} year. How?
} WALLACE: Drive. We've made our money by persevering in the face of
} <Wallace explodes. Camera quickly cuts to Larry King>
} LARRY KING: What the hell was that?
} ORACLE: <snicker>
} LARRY KING: OK, moving on. Dancing baby. Your thoughts on--
} <Dancing Baby explodes>
} LARRY KING: This is the absolute last time I have a deity on the
} show. Okay, Internet Oracle, lets discuss the browser war.
} ORACLE: No.
} LARRY KING: Excuse me?
} ORACLE: I said no. I'm sick of hearing about it.
} LARRY KING: Well, there you have it. How about the Microsoft case?
} What's your op--
} ORACLE: Sick of that too.
} LARRY KING: <sigh> Pornography on the Int--
} ORACLE: Booooring.
} LARRY KING: Protecting your priva--
} ORACLE: Thbpt!
} LARRY KING: <expletive deleted>! Would you like to host the show?
} ORACLE: No. I just want to talk about me.
} LARRY KING: I was getting to that. You're an impatient bastard,
} aren't you?
} ORACLE: No. Just self-centered. Ask about my supplicants.
} LARRY KING: The people who ask you questions. You'll answer any
} question from anyone? Ok, how much wood *could* a wood--
} ORACLE: Careful. Remember, they're still cleaning up Wallace.
} LARRY KING: Ok, so help me out here. What kind of questions *do*
} your supplicants ask?
} ORACLE: Ok, for instance: Someone just recently wrote me and asked
} "Dear almighty Oracle, what flavor *is* bubble gum?"
} LARRY KING: And what was your answer?
} ORACLE: Oh, I haven't answered yet, I have 24 hours to make them
} sweat. I'll probably give a goofy answer, like "horse
} hoof." Seems to satisfy their mindless tastes.
} LARRY KING: So all your supplicants are morons?
} ORACLE: No, not at all. Some of them are dufuses and some are
} dorks. Actually, I do get a good share of current-events
} style questions. For instance, I just got this question:
} "Is it true that an armed society is a polite society?"
} LARRY KING: And how would you answer that?
} ORACLE: Well, you have to look for key words in the question. In
} this instance, the key phrases are "armed" and "polite,"
} which of course are great words when telling a joke about
} New York. So a good answer would be something like, "No,
} just take a look at New York, even the old ladies are
} packing heat, and they'll flip you the bird just as soon as
} look at you." But, since their honorable Mayor, in between
} public appearances in drag, is trying to push politeness
} among New Yorkers. I'd probably have to make a crack about
} LARRY KING: Ah, international humor. So that's pretty much the
} extent of your humor?
} ORACLE: No, not quite. I do get questions about other topics. Some
} people ask about current events, some ask about their
} futures, some even ask about relationships. I've even saved
} more than a few marriages with my answers. You should write
} to me some time, Larry.
} LARRY KING: Interesting. You'll never be back, but it's been
} ORACLE: Thank you.
} LARRY KING: Tomorrow night my guests will be Kenneth Starr, Monica
} Lewinski, and Kermit the Frog. Good night.
} You owe the ORACLE a transcription of Larry King's infamous
} Og vs. Alley Oop episode.