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Internet Oracularities #1002

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Internet Oracularities #1002    (89 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1002
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1002  89 votes copl7 clwg8 fkmo8 6erqg arw9b 39kzm 6esoh 47utj 7rvk4 bkpkd
1002  3.1 mean  2.9   2.9   2.9   3.4   2.8   3.7   3.4   3.6   2.9   3.0


1002-01    (copl7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please help me.  I keep hearing about this "Tao
> Jones" cult.  Its followers are always elated because "the Tao is up"
> or mortified because "the Tao is down".  Can you tell me how this cult
> really works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Tao Te Jones (The Way of Prosperity):
}
} The Tao is the center of the universe,
} the good man gains treasure,
} the bad man, refuge.
}
} Failure is an opportunity,
} to blame someone else.
} There is no end to the blame.
}
} Therefore the Master says:
} I let go of the law,
} and become prosperous.
} I let go of religion,
} and become serene.
} I let go of all desire for the common good,
} and gold to me becomes common as grass.
}
} You owe the Oracle some insider stock tips.


1002-02    (clwg8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "So, Brain, what's tonight's plan?"
>
> "Simple, Pinky. We shall seize the Internet Oracle, and cause it to
> spew nothing but woodchuck questions and 'you should resubmit' answers.
> We shall then digest nothing but the Juno incarnation. This pressure
> should drive the average rhodite insane; this insanity will then spread
> to all of Usenet, and then, the World! We shall quickly seize power, as
> we are protected from the insanity by my patented insanity protection
> scheme, using rehashed code from BSD Unix."
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'you should resubmit'


1002-03    (fkmo8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allright, young man!  What is the meaning of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a demonstrative pronoun that refers to something near, or just
} mentioned by, the speaker.


1002-04    (6erqg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't people tell the truth even though it will still hurt
> anotheperson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmm.... a distinct lack of grovelling here I notice,
} supplicant.
}       Still, I am nothing if not magnanimous. Here goes....
}       *ahem*
}       People do not always tell the truth for a number of reasons.  One
} of the primary (indeed some believe original) reasons is that of self
} preservation. For example [Draws back a curtain]
}
}       THAG : "OG! YOU SEE THAG PET GUK-GUK? HIM SMALL LIZARD. HIM THAG
} BIG FRIEND.  THAG LOVE GUK-GUK."
}
}       OG : " *scronch scronch scronch* MGFLLLL ...URP..........
}                OG NO SEE THAG FRIEND GUK-GUK"
}
}       As you can see, Ogs timely fabrication has saved him an almost
} certain battering at the hands of Thag. Of course, an unsophisticated
} lie will often be found out and may be harshly dealt with.
}
}       THAG : "HEY! WHAT THAT GREEN TAIL IN OG MOUTH?"
}
}       OG : "DEF-NIT-LEE NOT GUK-GUK TAIL."
}
}       *Thud*
}
}       OG : "OW!"
}
}       *Thud Thud Thud Thumpety Thump Thud*
}
}       Now we come the subject of lying to protect anothers feelings.
} For example, to this day Zadoc believes in the existence of a being
} known as Santa Claus, who will reward him for his good deeds and
} suffering by bringing him presents once a year. This particular untruth
} gives Zadoc something to look forward to, a sense of warmth and
} security. It is also one of my methods of controling him when he gets
} uppity. By merely threatening to "inform Santa" of his misdeeds I can
} quickly bring him into line for the relatively small price of a few
} gifts once a year.
}
}       Of course, sometimes it will actually hurt someone to tell them
} the truth. Allow me to demonstrate.....
}       ZADOC!!! Zadoc! Present yourself, worm!!
}
}       Zadoc : "You bellowed, Lord?"
}
}       Oracle : "Zadoc, about 'Santa Claus' .... There's something you
} should know..."
}
}       Zadoc : "Santa, Lord? ..... Oh please lord, I am sorry I didn't
} mean to not grovel.  Please, I beg you sweet all-knowing one, do not
} inform against me!"
}
}       Oracle : "No, Zadoc, its nothing like that. But you should know
} Zadoc that, well, Santa does not exist. We fabricated the story to
} manipulate you."
}
}       Zadoc : "Ahaha. Good one your magnificence. But I know he
} exists. Otherwise who brings all the presents, eh?"
}
}       Oracle : "That's me."
}
}       Zadoc : "No, you can't fool me. I know he's real. He brings
} people presents.  He'll bring me presents. He will!"
}
}       *sigh* Well, of course there's no accounting for stupidity.  But
} believe me, that could have been quite nasty.
}
}       And that brings us conveniently to my favourite kind of untruth
} .... the malicious lie. Of course for this you often need some
} preparation in order to be truly convincing.
}
}       Oracle : "Zadoc, you're right of course. There *was* a Santa
} Claus.  [produces charred scrap of red cloth from pocket.  Close up
} reveals dirty whit trim] I blasted him Zadoc. Blasted him to tiny
} pieces with my marvellous staff of ZOT!  HA HA Ha Ha harrrrrrrr! "
}
}       [fade to sounds of tortured weeping]
}
}       You owe Zadoc a lifetime of therapy.


1002-05    (arw9b dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most courteous of those who can cause death to mortals on a
> whim!
>
> Is it true an armed society is a polite society?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Email, paperless libraries, banking without cash--it's the Internet,
} and its the wave of the future.  Joining me via satellite from
} Philadelphia, Sanford Wallace; from Los Angeles, the dancing baby;
} and here in the studio with me in New York, the Internet Oracle.
} That's next on Larry King Live.
}
} <opening credits>
}
} LARRY KING: Good evening, good evening, good evening.  The Internet:
}         it's big news.  It's also big business.  Sanford Wallace,
}         your company, Cyberpromotions, made 23 million dollars last
}         year.  How?
} WALLACE: Drive.  We've made our money by persevering in the face of
}         advers--
}
} <Wallace explodes. Camera quickly cuts to Larry King>
}
} LARRY KING: What the hell was that?
} ORACLE: <snicker>
} LARRY KING: OK, moving on.  Dancing baby.  Your thoughts on--
}
} <Dancing Baby explodes>
}
} LARRY KING: This is the absolute last time I have a deity on the
}         show.  Okay, Internet Oracle, lets discuss the browser war.
} ORACLE: No.
} LARRY KING: Excuse me?
} ORACLE: I said no.  I'm sick of hearing about it.
} LARRY KING: Well, there you have it.  How about the Microsoft case?
}         What's your op--
} ORACLE: Sick of that too.
} LARRY KING: <sigh> Pornography on the Int--
} ORACLE: Booooring.
} LARRY KING: Protecting your priva--
} ORACLE: Thbpt!
} LARRY KING: <expletive deleted>! Would you like to host the show?
} ORACLE: No.  I just want to talk about me.
} LARRY KING: I was getting to that.  You're an impatient bastard,
}         aren't you?
} ORACLE: No.  Just self-centered.  Ask about my supplicants.
} LARRY KING: The people who ask you questions.  You'll answer any
}         question from anyone? Ok, how much wood *could* a wood--
} ORACLE: Careful.  Remember, they're still cleaning up Wallace.
} LARRY KING: Ok, so help me out here.  What kind of questions *do*
}         your supplicants ask?
} ORACLE: Ok, for instance: Someone just recently wrote me and asked
}         "Dear almighty Oracle, what flavor *is* bubble gum?"
} LARRY KING: And what was your answer?
} ORACLE: Oh, I haven't answered yet, I have 24 hours to make them
}         sweat.  I'll probably give a goofy answer, like "horse
}         hoof."  Seems to satisfy their mindless tastes.
} LARRY KING: So all your supplicants are morons?
} ORACLE: No, not at all.  Some of them are dufuses and some are
}         dorks.  Actually, I do get a good share of current-events
}         style questions.  For instance, I just got this question:
}         "Is it true that an armed society is a polite society?"
} LARRY KING: And how would you answer that?
} ORACLE: Well, you have to look for key words in the question.  In
}         this instance, the key phrases are "armed" and "polite,"
}         which of course are great words when telling a joke about
}         New York.  So a good answer would be something like, "No,
}         just take a look at New York, even the old ladies are
}         packing heat, and they'll flip you the bird just as soon as
}         look at you."  But, since their honorable Mayor, in between
}         public appearances in drag, is trying to push politeness
}         among New Yorkers.  I'd probably have to make a crack about
}         France.
} LARRY KING: Ah, international humor.  So that's pretty much the
}         extent of your humor?
} ORACLE: No, not quite.  I do get questions about other topics.  Some
}         people ask about current events, some ask about their
}         futures, some even ask about relationships.  I've even saved
}         more than a few marriages with my answers.  You should write
}         to me some time, Larry.
} LARRY KING: Interesting.  You'll never be back, but it's been
}         interesting.
} ORACLE: Thank you.
} LARRY KING: Tomorrow night my guests will be Kenneth Starr, Monica
}         Lewinski, and Kermit the Frog.  Good night.
}
} You owe the ORACLE a transcription of Larry King's infamous
} Og vs. Alley Oop episode.


1002-06    (39kzm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle I have a question that only you the omnipotent,
> all-knowing and wonderful Oracle could answer.
>
> Why do people have foot odor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Zadoc, I'm pondering this supplicant's question, and I need to know the
} physiological details that cause humans to have foot odor.  Research and
} report immediately.
}
} - O
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Kendai!  The Master requests our help!  A supplication has moved him to
} search for the source of odorous feet!  Research this at once!
}
} Zadoc
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    lisa@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Hi, your net.goddess.ness.  Somebody finally wised the O-man up that,
} like, his feet reek.  Now he wants to know why.  What do I tell him?
}
} Thanks, K
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  lisa@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Hi Zadoc.  Listen, I have kind of a delicate matter here.  Orrie is
} finally noticing something that's been hard to get off my mind for
} a while.  What do you think is the best way bring it up with him so
} I don't hurt his feelings?
}
} Lisa
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Aiee!  Kendai!  The Oracle is getting suspicious of my deep and longing
} love for Lisa!  And Lisa wants to tell him everything!  I must hide!
} Tell Lisa to wait until dark, then come and get me from the basement
} closet, and we'll run off together!
}
} Zadoc
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    lisa@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Hi Lisa.  Zadoc said to tell you:  he's ready to run, stuffed in that
} musty little place, when it's dark.
}
} K
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  lisa@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Thanks, Kendai.  I don't know why I didn't think of that.  He goes
} running, he works hard, his feet are stuffed into dark, musty little
} shoes.  Of course he has foot odor!  If we present it to him that way,
} he'll think it's a macho thing.  Good work.  I have to go shopping
} this afternoon, though.  Tell Zadoc he'll have to give Orrie the news.
} And tell him to do it in person, not email.  He'll take it better
} that way.
}
} Lisa
} ----------------------------------------
} To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
} From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu
}
} Hey, man.  Lisa said to tell you:  she's running out.  You need to tell
} Orrie.  In person, not email.
}
} K
} ----------------------------------------
}
} Zadoc [trudging up stairs and mumbling]:  M-m-master, Lisa has already
} left you ... no ... Lisa loves me, not you ... no ...
}
} Oracle:  There you are, Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc:  Aiee!
}
} Oracle:  What in the world have you been doing?  You're soaked with
} sweat, your skin is pale, and you smell like a basement!
}
} Zadoc:  I --
}
} Oracle:  Oh, of course, the foot odor question!  You certainly have
} been throwing yourself into your research lately.  Let me take notes
} here ...  Perspiration ... dampness ... darkness ... lack of fresh air.
}
} Zadoc:  Uh, m-master?
}
} Oracle:  One moment, Zadoc.  There you go, supplicant, now you know
} what causes foot odor.  Thank you for using The Internet Oracle.
} Now, did you have something else to say, Zadoc?
} ----------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of charcoal shoe inserts made from the
} byproducts of Zadoc's next line.


1002-07    (6esoh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and wonderful.  You for whom the sun rises in the
> morning and sets in the evening; for whom the moon shines it's silver
> light at night.  Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle tell me the answer
> to this poser:
>
> Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.  A peck of pickled
> peppers, peter piper picked.  If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled
> peppers, where are the pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Packed and poked in a place polite people prefer not placing peppers.


1002-08    (47utj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O really really really really smart Oracle: How can I get my
> POP server to dispense Diet Coke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't do it without root beer permissions.


1002-09    (7rvk4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there balm in Gilead? Tell me, tell me truly, I implore.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well,  yes.   It's a partially dehydrated compound of oil, salt and
} alcohol that's been sealed in an amber bottle for the past two thousand
} years under a  tax  collector's  house  in Gilead.  Guaranteed, if you
} rub that on your wounds you won't forget it.  But don't take my word
} for it.  Hoi, Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc: (enters) Yes, magnificent one?  How may I abase myself?
}
} (The Oracle points the ZOT staff at Zadoc)
}
} ---===*** ZOT! ***===---
}
} Zadoc: (indescribably burnt, shrieking in agony) Aaaagh!
}
} Oracle: Now, now.  Let's put some of this balm on you.  (administers
}      stinging compound onto Zadoc's freshly blistered skin)
}
} Zadoc: AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!
}
} Oracle: Be honest now, this is for posterity.  Does it hurt more
}      now or before?
}
} Zadoc: NOW!  NOW!
}
} Oracle: Thank you.  Remove yourself from my presence.
}
} (Zadoc drags himself into the antechamber, still screeching)
}
} Well,  there  *was*  a  balm  in  Gilead, but now it's used up.  All
} things considered,  it's probably for the best.  You owe the Oracle a
} Band-Aid and some Neosporin.


1002-10    (bkpkd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is it not true that you, who claim to be a mighty and omniscient
> oracle are truly nothing but a network of other supplicants?  Is it
> not also true that your continued existance depends on the inane
> ramblings of these said supplicants?  And is it not also true that
> if all of the said supplicants one day decided to stop sending you
> their inane ramblings, you would simply fade out of existance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       [sound of a large door slamming]
}
}       [Zadoc and choir can be heard chanting in background]
}
}       [Lisa, dressed in red, approaches a billiard ball sized glass
}       black sphere and shrieks ]
}
}       Lisa: THE QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED!!
}
}       [Sphere hums and A Voice is heard]
}
}       Voice:
}
}        Now we shall hear of The Twilight of the Oracle!
}
}    The end of the Oracle will be preceded by the ask-age and the
}    tellme-age. But then Questions will be ignored and destroyed;
}    following it is a whine-age and a juno-age before the inevitable
}    doom of the Oracle.  Winter will take its toll for three consecutive
}    years without the summer interfering to bring its people mercy from
}    countless El Nino News Reports seemingly without end. Three other
}    winters one named Johnathon and two of them twins, one quite pale
}    will make their presences re-known. And Browsers and followers of
}    the Lynx will engage in battle against one another. Admins will
}    abandon their ports and spam will flourish!
}
}    The wolves BAD_URL and The Piefaced One will swallow SUN and the
}    creation of the Finn, bringing total darkness into the world.
}    The FAQS will fail, the earth-link will tremble; Delphi and The
}    Well will crumble to the ground. Monstrous threads will break free
}    from the fetters that bind them; and the wild hunt will begin.
}    UDPs will slow them not.
}
}    And The Oracle will help the netizens naught, for they will
}    have ceased to believe! One warning of this only will you have,
}    a supplicant will think that he is ye, and tell the others to say
}    "Hey, we is he!", and others will add to that "me too."
}
}    Then THE DEATH WOODCHUCK will run loose dragging its jaws upon the
}    earth and the heavens above. It will spew its deadly non-sequiturs
}    unchecked in the world around him. Paradoxes will wander in broad
}    daylight! Queues without end will be and riddles will torment the
}    weak and feeble. No one will ask "what is the meaning of life".
}    And those same supplicants will say "How much more death can this
}    death woodchuck spread if it could spread dread to dead heads still
}    unbred?" And no one will be there to shame them for having asked.
}
}    For the DEATH WOODCHUCK set free from its web of `nets giants who
}    shall sing the siren song of "join the crew!" And the UL will be
}    confused with the truth! And that is the true sign of THE END.
}    Fear the UL! Fear its mate the FOAF!
}
}    The lies of the UL will ring across the `net Vworlds warning of
}    flowing glass and sewergators. The Yggdrasil tree will have cat
}    skeletons in it. The warriors in Valley GURL will be sent to the
}    plane and drop a cow from it on a boat.
}
}    The `net Vworlds under the UL tree will become a blazing inferno.
}    All will die, the paradoxes will laugh, the bandwidth will shrink
}    and fall into a pit of flaming and the last wild Isp will sink
}    into a unanswered sea of Qs.
}
}    [Lisa breaks into sobs]


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