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Internet Oracularities #1003

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Internet Oracularities #1003    (89 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1003
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1003  89 votes 8wrj3 6mqmd 7pwn2 4hzo9 5hykd bnknc dtyb2 9nrm8 hkrg9 afsgk
1003  3.0 mean  2.7   3.2   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.0   2.6   3.0   2.8   3.2


1003-01    (8wrj3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Helpme quick please i need sql with cgi form for oracle no perl cuz
> i dont understand regexps
> ***********************************************************************
> * GET YOUR freE EMAIL AT www.kluless.kom AND POST TO UZENET & THE WEB *
> * ALSO WWWW pAGes HOSTING WITH CGI                                    *
> * YES THATS WRIGHT POINT YOUR NETSCAPE EXPLORER BROWSER TO            *
> * htp:\www.kluless/kpm                                                *
> * SPELL-CHECKING AVAILABL 2                                           *
> * PLEZ KEEEP YOPUR .SIG TO 4 LINES EGGS-ACTLY!                        *
> ***********************************************************************
> /qit
> /quit
> /exit
> /xit
> /post
> ^C^C
> C-c C-c
> :wq

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Zen Master thought on this for many minutes, never taking his gaze
} from the pool before him.
}
} And finally, he spoke thus:
}
} "
} hey what the hell are regexps i thought you were supposed to send me
} something funny
} boy they were right only real idiots use mail from klueless.com get a
} real mail account!!!!!
} and you spelled pearl wrong too!!!!!! haha what an idiot
} _____________________________________________________________________
} You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
} Get completely free e-mail from Clue-No at http://www.clueno.com
} Or call Clue-No at (800) 555-TWIT [555-8948]
} "
}
} At this moment, the next supplicant in line became enlightened, and
} promptly clubbed both of them.  Thus did Og simultaneously discover the
} joy of spiritual well-being and the related joy of beating an idiot
} senseless.
}
} Og then say, "Who next?"  Og see people run.  Og see some people not
} run.  Og go to people who not run.  Og hit them with big spiky club.
} Og know smart people would run.  Og have big spiky club.  Duh.
}
} Ahem.  Sorry.  Og have ... arrg ... I had a relapse.
}
} You owe Oracle big, juicy, raw hunk of ... muffin.  Og like muffins.


1003-02    (6mqmd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> almighty and wise oracle, who somehow knows what a feynman integral
> actually does,
>
> i've arrived late to your wisdom.  could you maybe get me up to speed
> on some of the recurring themes of the oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glad  to  help!  New Incarnations are often befuddled by the complex and
} seemingly contradictory truths that  spout  from  the  Muse,  and  so  I
} proudly provide:
}
} A POCKET GUIDE TO THE ORACULAR RUNNING JOKES
}
} First, let's introduce the cast of characters:
}
} The Internet Oracle (also known as The Usenet Oracle)
} -----------------------------------------------------
} The  Chief,  the  C.E.O.,  the  Master,  the  Fount of Wisdom, the Muse,
} "Orrie." The Oracle is omniscient,  which  means  he  knows  everything.
} Unfortunately,  he  is  not omnipotent, so he's usually pretty petulant.
} He demands grovels in return for his imparted wisdom.  He lives  in  the
} best  house,  drives the best car, has the best computer, knows the best
} people, et cetera ad nauseum.  He's about as close to perfect as he  can
} get.
}
} The Incarnation
} ---------------
} The  Incarnation is the human being who actually types in the answers to
} Oracular  questions.   The  Incarnation,  unlike  the  Oracle,  is   not
} omniscient.   According  to  myth,  the  Muse  of  the  Oracle  descends
} perfectly upon the Incarnation and responds to the questions through him
} or her, but in practice, poor Oracular answers can usually be blamed  on
} a bad connection.
}
} Lisa
} ----
} Lisa  is  the  Oracular  Companion, She Who Must be Obeyed.  She and the
} Oracle have a healthy relationship in which  he  attends  to  her  every
} whim,  and  she  spends  all  his  money.   She  spends most of her time
} changing outfits and waiting for Orrie to "pop the question."
}
} Zadoc
} -----
} Zadoc  is  sometimes  known as the High Priest, but usually as the Chief
} Worm.  His job description is "I do anything the Oracle tells me to  do,
} no  matter how abasing, dangerous, or embarrassing, and then I thank him
} for it." He is loyal to Orrie and (so he says) loves his job.  There are
} those who suggest that Zadoc is simply biding his  time  for  a  hostile
} takeover.  Zadoc spends most of his time grovelling.
}
} Og
} --
} Og  is  a  Neanderthal.   (No,  that's  not  an  insult, that's just his
} heredity.) He lives in the Stone Age with his wife Ogwa and  their  many
} Oglings.   The Oracle, by means known only to himself, often accepts and
} answers questions from Og, and occasionally  even  sends  him  on  small
} adventures in other times and places for amusement's sake.  Some of Og's
} contemporaries  are  Ugh  and  Thag.  Og spends most of his time beating
} things with his spikey club and saying things like "Og  here.   Og  want
} know why mammoth so big!  Or-a-kul answer Og?"
}
} The Priests
} -----------
} A  revered  collection  of  people who work for the Oracle and determine
} which  questions  and  answers  will  be  reprinted  in   the   Digests.
} (incidentally,  the best way to get a feel for what kinds of answers the
} Oracle gives is to go to the URL at the bottom  and  read,  read,  read.
} Oracularities  take  time  to  appreciate.)  Some  of  the  Priests that
} occasionally appear in Oracularities have names like Darkmage,  Kirsten,
} and  Otis.   They spend most of their time cursing and wallowing through
} stacks of Oracularities.
}
} Kendai
} ------
} Kendai  is  the  newest  character  in  the  Oracularities.  He's a work
} experience priest  under  Zadoc  who  finds  even  the  wonderments  and
} atrocities  of  the Oracle boring.  He's about 16 and his best grovel so
} far is "Yeah, GUV?" He spends most of his time standing around.
}
} Now  that  you  can recognise some of the characters, here's some themes
} you may see from time to time:
}
} Grovelling
} ----------
} Any  good  question  begins  with  a  grovel.   The  Oracle is vain, and
} requires grovelling to  really  get  in  the  right  mood  to  answer  a
} question.  The correct formula for a question is:
}
} grovel
} greeting
} grovel
} question
} grovel
} grovel
} grovel
}
} Leaving out any of these grovels means an unhappy Oracle, and an unhappy
} Oracle can mean a...
}
} ZOT
} ---
} The  Oracle wields one weapon with expert precision:  the ZOT staff.  It
} comes in many forms, including the ZOT wand, the  MEGA-ZOT  cannon,  and
} the  battery-operated  PocketZot.   A  ZOT  is  a  highly-charged arc of
} electricity--not  unlike  a   lightning   bolt--that   incinerates   the
} supplicant  in  question.   Generally the Oracle avoids ZOTing those who
} ask  him  questions,  but  some  supplicants  simply  demand  it.    For
} example...
}
} The Woodchuck Question
} ----------------------
} I  won't  reprint it here, but the woodchuck question--and woodchucks in
} general--are the single most hated subject by  the  Oracular  community.
} Well,  perhaps the second most hated...  but we'll get to that.  Despite
} this fact, the most innovative and hilarious answers are often  inspired
} by the Woodchuck question.
}
} The Juno Incarnation
} --------------------
} Purportedly,  there  is  an  Incarnation writing from a Juno account who
} reads lots of questions off the  queue  and  replies  with  nonsensical,
} monosylabic  answers  that  infuriate  the supplicants.  Whether true or
} not, it reminds the rest of us Incarnations to make sure we put at least
} as much work into the answer as the supplicant did into the question!
}
} That's a small fraction of the jokes that whizz through the Digests; for
} more  info,  go to http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/index.html on the
} Web or rec.humor.oracle and rec.humor.oracle.d on Usenet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-Digested submission.


1003-03    (7pwn2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should i do whan someebody sais: "I love you" ?
>
>                                           8-}  Mary

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og say: Hit on head with club. Drag back to cave. Make whoopie.
}
} M-x doctor say: I would appreciate it if you would tell me about your
}                 relationship with me.
}
} Bill Gates say: "Love" is an integral part of the operating system and
}                 there's nothing improper about us distributing it free
}                 with the OS. Of course, you'll probably want to
}                 upgrade to Love 2.0 ASAP to get rid of that "stalker"
}                 bug.
}
} Lawyer say: Get it in writing.
}
} Valentine's candy hearts say: FAX ME
}
} Calvin say: Snow goons are bad news.
}
} :) say: 8-} ?
}
}         :^) !
}
}         8-} ?!
}
}         8-o*smooch*o^:
}
}         ...
}
}         8-} :^)  :-) 8^)
}
} Oracle say: You owe the Oracle some valentine's candy and a card that
}             says "Lisa, I have a perfectly good explanation why this
}             is late. You see, ..."


1003-04    (4hzo9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Highland Flinging, Haggis-Free, Single Malt Oracle Who Knows
> That Nothing Is Worn Under His Kilt (It's All In Perfect Working Order),
> And Who Could Headbutt A Glaswegian Before He Could Say "Take Tha' Ye
> Sassenach!"...
>
> I think it would be a good idea to invite my entire family (including
> in-laws) to spend the new year of 1999-2000 in a Scottish Castle, (which
> can be rented for a moderately reasonable fee) not only for the Ultimate
> Hogmanay, but also in order to avoid the Milleneum Bug:
>
> HOW THE MILLENIUM BUG WILL NOT AFFECT SCOTTISH CASTLES
>
> 1. Castles have real fireplaces, so we won't freeze when the gas &
> electricity go off.
> 2. Scotland is cold, so putting our perishables outside means our food
> won't go off when the gas & electricity go off.
> 3. When the water goes off, we can just melt some snow.
> 4. No elevators to get stuck in.
> 5. Scotland is mostly well off the commercial flight lanes, so we'd be
> unlikely to get hit by falling aircraft whose navigation/fuel injection
> systems go wonky at midnight.
> 6. Military targets are few and far between, so the ICBMs [if
> (cowntdown_time == 0) launch_missiles();] will probably land at a
> safeish distance. (Except those with non-compliant navigation systems)
> 7. If all family members are in one place, no-one will ring up a 100
> year transatlantic phone bill for a 3 minute conversation
>
> Is this a good idea? If not, could you give me a better one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.... The country that invented Haggis, and then had 'McSweens'
} sell a vegetarian version of it is known for its inventive ideas.
} But, let's have a look at each of your reasons in turn.
}
} 1. Castles may have real fireplaces, but the average Scotsman is so
} stingy that they'll sit there shivering rather than break open a new
} book of matches.
}
} 2. Scotland being cold has nothing to do with your food not going off.
} Not even a starving botulism bacteria would be silly enough to eat
} a sheep's stomach stuffed with offal.
}
} 3. Given that the entire male population in Scotland gets thoroughly
} drunk every night and staggers home through the streets, if you would
} even consider drinking melted snow you're a braver man than I MacDuff.
}
} 4. True, there are no elevators to get stuck in, but slightly offend
} your local drug baron and it's a sheep stomach that you'll get
} 'stuck in'.  After 'processing' in a back alley, with a cosh.
}
} 5. No major plane crashes expected. However, the recent eruption of
} IRA activity in Britain means that once again helicopters full of
} British army intelligence (sic) officers will rain from the skies.
}
} 6. The Stewart Formula One team blew up engines so often, and so
} spectacularly last year, that several nuclear powers have concluded
} that it was a front for weapons development. The missiles are being
} aimed as we speak.
}
} 7. If all your family members look like you supplicant, you're in
} for a stomach churning Hogmany if they all gather in one place.
}
} However, hmmmmmmm, it might be a good idea for you all to meet
} after all. Get you all in the same room, or at least the same house.
} Yep, sounds like a great idea supplicant.
}
} You owe The Oracle the co-ordinates of your planned meeting place.


1003-05    (5hykd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I don't have much time, so please excuse the utter crappiness
> of my grovel:  you are wonderful.
>
> My doorbell just rang.  There's a couple guys in suits carrying bibles
> on the doorstep.  They saw me look out the window so they know I'm
> here. I don't think they'll go away unless I talk to them.  What's the
> easiest way to get them to leave me alone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle presents a "TOP TEN PRODUCTIONS" release:
}
} TOP 10 WAYS TO GET RID OF RELIGIOUS DELEGATIONS BEHIND YOUR DOOR
}
} 1) Make a watersoluble tattoo of an upsidedown cross on your forehead,
}    then hold your head out the window just long enough for them to see
}    it.
}
} 2) Say: "So nice of you to drop by! You have, of course come to see
}    Gina. She's been waiting for you. She's so hot, and only fifty bucks
}    an hour. Come on in."
}
} 3) Shout: "No-one here but us pagans!"
}
} 4) Strip naked, then open the door and act casual.
}
} 5) Make an evil face, and ask them if they've brought you more bibles
}    to burn.
}
} 6) Smear catchup all over your clothes, fire a couple of blank rounds
}    in the air, then quickly open the door and ask them what they want,
}    while keeping one hand behind your back.
}
} 7) Stick carrots in your ears, open the door and say: "Yes?"
}
} 8) Shout through the door: "You have reached the voicemailbox of <your
}    name here>. I'm not available right now, but if you leave a message,
}    I'll get back to you. Beep!"
}
} 9) Introduce your ten year old daughter to them, as your wife.
}
} 10)Explain to them that "the Oracle" told you not to open the door.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more tolerant attitude.


1003-06    (bnknc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand Oracle who could peel a balloon...
>
> I went to a nude beach and was disappointed to see it looked just any
> other beach, sand, water, gulls, buoys... what gives? Just what is it
> about other beaches that makes them clothed beaches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Must be the capes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of codpieces.


1003-07    (dtyb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O what can ail thee, Oracle,
> Alone and palely loitering?
> The posts have vanish'd from thy group,
> And there's no grovelling.
>
> O what can ail thee, Oracle!
> So haggard and so woe-begone?
> The tellme queue is almost full,
> And the digest's done.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant, life is sublime!
} Filled with women, song and good wine,
} Good hearted friends, mountains to climb
} Thinking of Lisa takes much of my time
}
} I feel no grief when accosted by mimes,
} or when I'm down to my last dime
} Despair only comes, it's a real crime,
} when reading poems that don't quite
}
} Seem to fit together somehow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a web page devoted to Oracular poetry.


1003-08    (9nrm8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh none Squeamish Oracle, who wastes not, and knows a
> good source of protein when he sees it...
>
> Why doesn't the USA solve its twin problems of stray dogs
> and hungry homeless people by turning dog catcher trucks
> into open grill catering vehicles to feed the poor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, many of the homeless are intoxicated.  If you feed them
} to the poor dogs, you will get a bunch of addicted dogs, with a taste
} for human flesh.  In order to get money to buy more drugs or booze,
} all the dogs will be criminals.  As the U.S. police force has already
} more work than they can handle, this will be a bad idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle a McRat.


1003-09    (hkrg9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why have elephants red eyes???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So they can fly from one side of the Serengeti to the other in time for
} an early-morning business meeting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seat *on the aisle*.


1003-10    (afsgk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hotel Echo Lima Papa
>
> India Mike Sierra Tango Uniform Charlie Kilo India November Tango
> Hotel Echo Alpha Romeo Mike Yankee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sierra Oscar Romeo Romeo Yankee, India Charlie Alpha November Tango
} Hotel Echo Lima Papa Yankee Oscar Uniform Whiskey India Tango Hotel
} Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Sierra Tango Uniform Papa India Delta Mike
} India Sierra Tango Alpha Kilo Echo Sierra. Whiskey Hotel Yankee Tango
} Hotel Echo Hotel Echo Lima Lima Delta India Delta Yankee Oscar Uniform
} Juliet Oscar India November Tango Hotel Echo Alpha Romeo Mike Yankee
} Alpha November Yankee Whiskey Alpha Yankee. Tango Hotel Echo Oscar
} November Lima Yankee Alpha Delta Victor India Charlie Echo India
} Charlie Alpha November Gulf India Victor Echo India Sierra Tango Oscar
} Delta Oscar November Tango Alpha Sierra Kilo (Delta Oscar November
} Tango) Tango Echo Lima Lima. Kilo India Sierra Sierra Yankee Oscar
} Uniform Romeo Charlie Oscar Mike Mike Alpha November Delta Echo Romeo.
} Zulu Oscar Tango.
}
} Yankee Oscar Uniform Oscar Whiskey Echo Tango Hotel Echo Oscar Romeo
} Alpha Charlie Lima Echo Alpha Tango Romeo Alpha November Sierra Lima
} Alpha Tango India Oscar November Charlie Hotel Alpha Romeo Tango Alpha
} November Delta Oscar November Echo Whiskey Oscar Oscar Delta Charlie
} Hotel Uniform Charlie Kilo.


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