} Zadoc looked up from the paper he was reading, his face whiter than
} usual, his features contorted with fear. He felt cold inside, unable
} to move.
} The Oracle glanced at him from his throne. "Zadoc! Zadoc!
} ZAAAAADOOOOOC!" he roared. "What is the matter with you? What is
} that you're reading?"
} Zadoc shook himself out of his stuper. "You might want to read this...
} It's what we always feared..." He trembled as he handed the paper
} to his master.
} The Oracle grunted. "I fear nothing, you insignificant little worm.
} Now let me see here..."
} As he read it, The Oracle showed no emotion but a slight twitching
} at the corners of his eyes. He finished, and slowly set the paper
} down into his lap.
} "Do you know what will stop them, Oh greatest of the great, wisest
} of the wise?" Zadoc asked, his voice shaking.
} "Yes," intoned the Oracle grandly, his voicing echoing majestically
} throughout the chamber. He looked at Zadoc expectantly. Zadoc looked
} puzzled. The Oracle frowned darkly.
} A light flashed over Zadoc's head. "Oh, oh, I see!" he exclaimed.
} He fell to his knees facing The Oracle. "Oh Oracle, you who are
} so wonderful, so brilliant, who shines like a beacon in a storm,
} for whom.."
} "GET ON WITH IT!" shouted The Oracle. "Dammit, man, ask the question!
} This is no time for extensive grovelling!"
} Zadoc looked like he might burst into tears, but managed to hold
} himself together. "What will stop the dreaded cross-breed between
} the Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish and the woo-"
} "DON'T SAY THAT WORD," boomed the Oracle.
} Zadoc was shaking like a leaf "-ah, between the Bright Red Siamese
} Fighting Fish and the Creature-Who-Shall-Forever-Remain-Nameless,
} oh Lord of all knowledge?
} The Oracle stepped down from his throne and whispered in Zadoc's ear.
} Zadoc began to smile. The Oracle stepped back, folded his arms,
} and looked smug. Zadoc giggled, which made the Oracle frown again,
} which caused Zadoc to start trembling (again).
} "Would you like me to contact them for you?" asked Zadoc.
} "No, no, I better do this myself. You botched it up last time, had
} them chasing aliens all over Utah or some such thing." The Oracle
} stepped back up to his throne and pulled out his laptop. He began
} to compose an email message...
} Mulder was throwing pencils at the ceiling again. Scully shuddered.
} He was such a *dweeb* sometimes. She went back to reading "Women Who
} Are Unappreciated by the Men They Work With." He wasn't getting the
} not-so-subtle hint.
} "Hey Scully, look at this!"
} "Mulder, if this is another midget-abduction-cow thing, I'm not
} "No, no, it's an email I just received from one of my sources.
} Actually, my best source. He's never given me a bad tip."
} "Sure, Mulder." But her curiosity was peeked, so she went over to
} check it out.
} From: A Friend
} To: Agent Mulder
} A research lab in Western Tenessee. Something very strange going
} on - a lot of screaming over the last week, and no one has left the
} building in months. We think the government is involved somehow.
} The Big O
} Scully sighed. "Mulder, this is so vague as to be useless. What makes
} you think there's a case here?"
} Mulder looked crestfallen. "But...but..." And his lower lip began
} to tremble.
} "Oh, oh, I'm sorry Mulder! We can investigate! Really! C'mon,
} let's go!" cried Scully, hoping that humouring him would help.
} Mulder nodded, fighting back the tears. "I'm sorry, it's just we
} haven't had a decent case in months and the office really smells
} "Shhh, shh, it's ok, let's go to Tennessee."
} "Yep," grunted the Farmer. "Weird goings-on up there. Yep."
} Scully sighed. It was another one of *those* days. So far they'd
} talked to fifty people, and they'd all just said there were weird
} things happening. Suddenly, Mulder grabbed her arm. "Look!"
} he shouted.
} Something was racing up the road towards them. It was red, and
} small, and looked almost like a fish...but... with really HUGE teeth!
} And it was attacking!
} Scully fired, catching the thing right between the eyes. It fell
} back to the earth, wriggling.
} "Yep," said the farmer. "Pretty weird." He stomped off into the
} "My god.." breathed Mulder. "Someone has cross-bred Woodchucks with
} Siamese Fighting Fish! There's probably thousands of them up at
} that lab!"
} Scully stared at him. "Mulder, you always make these bizarre intuitive
} logical leaps, with no apparent basis in reality!"
} He grinned. "But I'm usually right, aren't I? C'mon!" He took off
} for the car.
} They arrived at the lab. All was quiet. A little TOO quiet.
} "Shouldn't we call for backup?" asked Scully.
} "Have we *ever* needed backup, Scully?" replied Mulder. "We can
} take care of this ourselves. Here." He handed her what looked like
} a grenade, except it had "RHOD" printed down the side.
} "Mulder, *where* did you get this?"
} "Huh? Oh...I.." He looked puzzled. "I have no idea!"
} Scully sighed for the five thousandth time that day. Tonight, she
} thought to herself, I am *definately* putting in for a transfer.
} The entered the lab. There were bodies everywhere, and a mysterious
} screaming noise coming from the hallway behind the damaged door.
} It was getting closer, and closer, and closer...
} "Scully, the RHODWIT!" screamed Mulder as a thousand angry Red
} Siamese Fighting Woodchucks came boiling through the door.
} "The Grenade, the grenade!"
} Scully quickly pulled the pin and threw it at the RSFWs.
} A brilliant light surrounded the RSFWs, causing them to stop dead
} in their tracks and look confused. From the light emerged men,
} and women, and pimpled teenagers, all with slightly green skin from
} staring at their monitors too long, and bruises on their foreheads,
} almost like they had been worshipping in some strange cult...
} Scully woke up outside the lab. "What? Mulder? Mulder!"
} He was lying beside her, looking around uncertainly. "Scully, what
} happened to us?"
} "I don't know. The last thing I remember was light, and people
} talking about Texas Barbeques and a little girl playing some kind of
} musical instrument... And those creatures were all dead...And they
} were cooking and eating them..."
} "C'mon, Scully, let's go home."
} Zadoc grinned. "It happened just like you said, oh most wonderful
} of masters! But how did you know?"
} The Oracle plucked a few grapes from the bunch Lisa was holding out to
} him and rolled them around in his fingers. "Because, no matter what
} impossible situation Mulder and Scully get into, everything always
} works out OK in the end. I merely exploited that. The Rhodites
} were a bit of a surprise, but hey, they got the job done, and the
} Barbequed Red Siamese Fighting Beast-Who-Shall-Forever-Remain-Nameless
} was delicious."
} Zadoc considered this. "But there's one thing I still don't
} understand... Who made the scientists create those creatures?"
} The Oracle glared. "No grovel, no answer, Zadoc. But don't worry,
} I'll be taking care of him in the next episode...I mean I'll take
} care of him later."