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Internet Oracularities #1004

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Internet Oracularities #1004    (80 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1004
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1004  80 votes nqjb1 glod6 29wt8 einfa 54lwi 6gska ajqj6 8brp9 8cmlh hapfd
1004  3.0 mean  2.3   2.6   3.4   2.9   3.7   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.3   3.0


1004-01    (nqjb1 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle,
>
> could you tell me something about the genealogy of Og? Who's his
> parents? Grandparents? What were they (in)famous for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time (I've been waiting all week to use that line again)
} there was Og.  Og was more or less happy.  He had an occasional itch to
} scratch, tree to climb and generally not a whole lot of
} responsibility.
}
} One day he pronounced to me that he was board with life and needed
} something more challenging.   So late one night I removed a rib from
} him (genetic material being hard to come by back then) and created
} ooG.   Og awoke to find ooG next to him in bed.    Og startled, jumped
} out of bed wrapped the covers around himself, pulling them off ooG.
} Who then awoke and promptly began complaining about the state of the
} cave.  ooG's voice got higher and higher and the more it increased in
} pitch the more Og cringed and cowered in the back of the cave.   Seeing
} this I fixed ooG's voice to a pitch which seemingly made Og shake the
} most.   ooG then proceeded to move into the closet and throw Og's
} things off to one small tiny section of the back announced she was
} going shopping with the girls and would be back soon.  If Og knew what
} was good for him he should best get the lawn done pronto.
}
} Later,  Og in the midsts of complaining to me about ooG, as ooG had
} rearranged the cave yet again.  He was particularly upset this time
} that the TV was pushed off to the side and it was already less than
} 10,000 years before the first really good, actually funny, sitcom would
} be shown then promptly canceled by the network executives the small
} minded creatures that they are....
}
} Apologies, I digress.  About this time Og realized that complaining to
} me was what got him in this mess in the first place and that things
} could be worse. He then apologized profusely, promptly left and went
} straight home, not even stopping for a drink along the way.
}
} Thus they lived, more or less, happily ever after.
}
} You owe the oracle an Apple and not one of Job's, the kind that grows
} on trees. You can pick one yourself over by the snake looking fellow.


1004-02    (glod6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Titanic, who's won everything from an
> Emmy to a Chubby...
>
> On this Oscar Eve, I couldn't help but wonder... could you
> tell me how many steps you are away from Kevin Bacon in
> the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Game and could you possible
> trace them for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I acted in several movies, under the pseudonym of "God".
}
} So six degrees to Kevin Bacon.  Let's see:
}
} God(yours truly) and John Cleese (Monty Python & the Holy Grail)
} John Cleese and Kevin Kline (A Fish Called Wanda)
} Kevin Kline and Danny Glover (Silverado)
} Danny Glover and Mel Gibson (Lethal Weapon I,II,III)
} Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts (Conspiracy Theory)
} Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon (Flatliners)
}
} You owe the Oracle all of the above movies, on DVD.


1004-03    (29wt8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I frequently have to interview candidates for
> software engineering positions here.  The problem is I don't really
> know how to conduct an interview.  There doesn't seem to be any kind of
> formal training for it.  Could you give me a few pointers, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Sit down.  No, not there!  Use the other chair.
}
} Good.  Now, the first thing you need to do is assert your dominance.
} YOU are the interviewer; you hold power over them, and you need to
} establish this fact immediately.  Put two chairs across from your
} desk.  When you ask them to sit, wait until they've selected a
} chair, and them tell them to sit in the other one.  This gets them
} off-balance from the beginning.  Hunt around for their resume, as
} if they weren't important enough to keep on top.
}
} Now, many male candidates for a software engineering position will
} come in sporting long hair.  Tell them (whether it's true or not)
} that your company has a strict dress code which forbids long hair
} on men.  If they agree to cut their hair, then they most likely will
} meekly accept whatever tasks or positions are given them, and won't
} come gunning for your job in six months.  On the other hand, it also
} means they're stupid enough to want to work for a company that
} places a higher value on appearance than on ability, but hey, at
} least *your* job is safe.
}
} Next, look at the candidate's clothing, especially the shoes.  If
} they look cheap, worn or ill-fitting, the candidate is probably
} desperate for a job and will accept a much lower salary than someone
} wearing high-quality, tailored clothes.
}
} Ask them about the stuff on their resume.  Don't actually listen to
} what they say; instead, pay attention to their eyes.  If their eyes
} widen, or they look to the right or left when they're talking, then
} they're probably lying.  If they look up, they're either praying
} you'll believe them, or there are lawn dwarfs dancing in the window
} behind you.  If they look straight at you without blinking, they're
} probably a Scientologist, in which case *not* hiring them will get
} you slapped with a religious-discrimination lawsuit.  If they look
} down the entire time, they're probably humble, meek and obsequious
} -- so send them over to me and I'll pay you a hefty headhunter's fee
} for finding me another priest.
}
} Finally, if you think they might have some actual talent, show them
} a printout of some code containing a bug which has so far eluded
} your department's coders, and ask them to find it, as a "test of
} their abilities".  If they find it, even if you don't actually end
} up hiring them, at least you've gotten some free work out of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a diesel software engine.


1004-04    (einfa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, whose pristine light shines like a rainbow of answers,
> what will be the future of mankind now since the following announcement
> has been made?
> vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
>
> ITU ANNOUNCES IMMEDIATE AUCTION OF ENTIRE ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Geneva (April 1). The International Telecommunications Union (ITU)
> today announced that it was selling the entire set of frequencies of
> the electromagnetic spectrum in order to provide a permanent endowment
> for the United Nations family of organizations for the indefinite
> future.
>
> "We've learned a lot from our American colleagues at the FCC, said a
> spokesperson for the ITU. Their spectrum allocation auctions have
> convinced us that the capitalist model is superior to our established
> ways of allocating spectrum. We realized that we could improve on their
> model by extending the auction to include all frequencies, not just
> those for narrow communication purposes.
>
> As might be expected, initial bidding activity has been fiercest in the
> visible frequency range. An anonymous source has reported that IBM has
> been bidding in excess of U.S. $50 million for the rights to exclusive
> use of Pantone 3462, otherwise known as IBM Blue. Cosmetics
> manufacturers are fighting fiercely for rights to use approximately 218
> different very narrow  frequency ranges in the reds, ensuring
> uniqueness for their extensive collection of lipsticks and other
> cosmetics.
>
> In a bold move to preserve financial stability, the U. S. Government
> immediately appropriated the U.S. dollar green part of the spectrum to
> protect the integrity of its money supply. Shortly thereafter, House
> Majority Leader Newt Gingrich introduced a bill that prohibited turning
> (that shade of) green with envy by illegal aliens. At a campaign rally
> in Orange (tm), Connecticut, Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan
> quickly endorsed the measure but added that it did not go far enough.
> "We'll put full frequency filters all along the wall at the Mexican
> border, he said, to make sure that those foreigners don't steal
> all-American frequency rights!" he said. The Justice Department has
> promised full cooperation in the event that the bill became law.
>
> Vladimir Zhirinovsky, a leading contender for the Russian Presidency,
> said, "Red is our heritage, our birthright! You can auction all the
> other frequencies in the spectrum, but after I win the next election I
> shall take this matter up immediately and most forcefully with your
> Governing Body!"
>
> The Ku Klux Klan registered extreme dismay when the purity of the
> whiteness  of their costumes began to degrade as slivers of the
> frequencies comprising white were auctioned off and withdrawn from the
> market. Faced with the realization that as more and more frequencies
> are withdrawn from public use, the color of their robes will ultimately
> approach black as a limit, a spokesperson said, "It just ain't no fun
> here anymore," and suggested that this might be sufficient to cause the
> organization to disband.
>
> Manufacturers of prisms for physics instruction were aghast at the
> thought of having to produce prisms that displayed only those specific
> colors for which no bid was obtained or accepted. The National Council
> of Scientific Instrument Manufacturers has stated its intent to
> petition the National Science Foundation to create an Acceptable Use
> Policy that would allow unrestricted use of the visible part of the
> spectrum for instructional purposes only.
>
> Blue Cross/Blue Shield was ecstatic about the auction, saying that the
> sky was the limit for their bid for the X-ray frequencies. "Once we
> obtain these frequencies for our appropriate use, medical care issues
> in this country with respect to HMOs and PPOs can be definitively
> solved," a spokesperson said.
>
> Manufacturers of sunscreen and other blocking agents bid highly for the
> ultra-violet part of the spectrum, vowing to place them in a public
> trust for public benefit, saying, "the public cannot be deprived of
> this valuable natural resource. By our actions, we shall preserve it
> for future generations."
>
> Monochrome computer video display manufacturers expressed secret
> satisfaction at the sudden move. One of them volunteered off the
> record, "Since black is the absence of any color, we'll be in business
> as long as we can use any other visible frequency whatsoever!"
>
> In an ironic consequence of this new policy, representatives of the ITU
> were unable to sign the agreement awarding the charcoal gray frequency
> to Brooks Brothers because the only pen available used ink of a color
> that had already been auctioned off. Knowing the integrity of the UN
> family of organizations, the Brooks Brothers representative consummated
> the deal with a handshake.
>
> A resale market for frequencies has rapidly developed. The Chicago
> Commodities Exchange has announced that it is making a primary market
> in frequency rights, and trading has begun. At press time, October
> yellows in  the 3.34-3.50 THz range were quoted at $2.50 bid and $2.625
> asked per angstrom, with 146 contracts already finalized. Christmas
> season reds and greens have quadrupled in price since the market
> opened, and traders are anticipating vigorous market activity later
> this year.
>
> ITU officials were very pleased with the results of the auction so far,
> declaring that the revolution had just started. Said one ITU
> representative, "With this auction we've only affected the space
> impacting one of the five human senses. We're currently looking into
> the ownership of rights to the audible frequencies and olefactory
> space, and we hope to proceed with another offering very soon."
>
> The Headquarters of the International Telecommunications Union is
> located in Geneva, Switzerland.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ///ERROR///
}
} Error code: DAT0401
}
} Error description: April Fools prank post received before or after
} approved date.
}
} Recommended action: Refer to Customer Service representatives.
}
} Guido and Luigi will be with you shortly. In the meantime, bear in mind
} that you owe the Oracle a really good April 2nd joke.


1004-05    (54lwi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, mightier than the moon at night, more shiny than the stars
> that pierce the darkness, able to copy, sort and collate 10 million
> 'Starry Night' prints, tell me:
>
> Is it true that staplers are really just tiny, mechanical vampires?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare the similarities and differences of each:
}
}                               SIMILARITIES
}
}    Vampire                           Stapler
}    ------------------                -------------------
}    Has long, sharp teeth             Has long, sharp teeth
}    Holy water causes damage          Holy water causes rust
}    Cannot eat garlic                 Cannot eat garlic
}    Sleeps in wooden coffin           Sleeps in wooden drawer
}    Turns invisible when sought       Turns invisible when sought
}    Does not appear to age            Does not appear to age
}    Can draw blood                    Can draw blood
}    Cannot cross running water        Cannot cross running water
}       under own power                   under own power
}    Cannot enter your home unless     Cannot enter your home unless
}       invited                           carried
}
}                                DIFFERENCES
}
}    Vampire                           Stapler
}    ------------------                -------------------
}    No reflection in mirror.          Reflects in mirror.
}    Afraid of crosses.                No reaction to crosses.
}    Able to fly.                      Doesn't fly very well.
}    Can change shape.                 Cannot change shape.
}    Can hypnotize with a glance.      No eyes to glance with.
}
} As you can see, there are more similarities than differences.
} Ordinarily, that might be enough to suggest that, yes, staplers are
} just little mechanical vampires.
}
} However, there's one more big difference, one which tips the scales
} towards a big resounding "NO": you don't see geeky Goth-wannabees
} running around the club scene pretending to be staplers.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Player's Guide for "Stapler: The Gathering".


1004-06    (6gska dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, while reading some newsgroups I have seen some
> shortcuts I do not understand: IMO, IMHO and BTW (by time writing?).
> Please explain them for me. Excuese me for my terribly bad english,
> and there is a lot of buttons here.
>
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AFAIK (and I'm the Oracle, so IK), they have no meaning. They are just
} random bunches of letters which geeks with no life throw in to confuse
} the non-cognoscenti.  OTOH, some people believe that the Internet
} Cabal (TINC) or the Lumber Cartel (TINLC) insert them into messages to
} confuse the non-cognoscenti.  These people are wrong.  FYI, some people
} write FAQs and post them to n.a.n with explanations of what they mean.
} WRT these, they are all post-facto explanations devised either by the
} non-cognoscenti or by the geeks to confuse the non-cognoscenti (so that
} the geeks can tell the non-cognoscenti to RTFM while the geeks are
} ROFLTAO).
}
} IOW, YHBT. FWIW, JS "GoAT" whenever you see a TLA.
}
} HTH. HAND.
}
} BTW, IMNSHO YOTO a LART ASAP. TIA.


1004-07    (ajqj6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracular One:
>       Am I having a heart attack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's check your symptoms, shall we?
}
} 1) Sweaty palms
} 2) Alternating feelings of panic and exhilaration
} 3) Shortness of breath and associated panting
} 4) Your life is passing before your eyes
} 5) Dilated pupils
} 6) Accelerated heartbeat
}
} I'd say no, Mr. President, you're not having a heart attack.  You're
} just ready to be on the make again now that Paula Jones' case has been
} dropped.
}
} Congratulations, sir.
}
} You owe the Oracle a budget that's balanced...on the breasts of a naked
} intern.


1004-08    (8brp9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> God was supposed to show up in Texas on March 31st. What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um.  Well.  Er, that was sort of my fault.
}
} You see Lisa and I invited everyone over to the Oracular Temple for a
} New Year's Eve party last December - you know, Zeus, Buddha, Jehovah,
} all the big guns were there, plus most of the hip young deities who are
} just making the scene.
}
} It was a great party.
}
} Still is in fact.
}
} I mean how do you tell someone who's omnipotent that they had enough to
} drink and that it's time to go home.  And Thor's been wearing that
} lampshade on his head for the past month, which is a bit embarrassing
} for those Norse gods who haven't been totally plastered since January.
}
} Now, sure, it's wreaking havoc with the Oracular budget, and OK, we've
} had to postpone a few major world events like Armageddon (no, Saddam
} backing down wasn't part of the original script, but we'll work around
} it), and a few monks in Tibet will have to remain unenlightened for a
} little longer, and supernova 3145c is now supernova 3146f. Oh and
} Jehovah missed his prime-time spot.
}
} But to be completely frank, we haven't had a bash this good since the
} middle ages, and you guys seem to be muddling along OK, so we're making
} the most of it while we can.
}
} Now if you'll excuse me, I was having a *most* interesting conversation
} with a certain young pagan fertility goddess.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pizzas for the Aztec gods (no, you don't want
} to look too closely at the toppings).


1004-09    (8cmlh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Julianna Avedon <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Personal Log, final entry:
>
>       I knew it was a mistake to take this assignment. As much as
> certain kooks have panicked about the dangers of genetic engineering,
> it is obviously a field with so many possilibities. I dreamed of curing
> cancer, feeding the world on a ten acre farm, and making sure no one
> as evil as Hitler, Stalin, or L. Ron Hubbard was ever born to a member
> of my species again.  With the funding from my anonymous sponser, we
> have come up with a vaccine that would slash the occurance of many
> diseases, found a way to prevent many birth defects in vitro, and were
> ready to bring a new anti-coagulant to the market that could save
> thousands of lives. However, I knew that nothing in life was free,
> and finally my sponsor contacted me to ask for a "little favor".
> Refusing would eliminate our funding, while success would bring us
> enough revenue to complete the many promising experiments that were
> on the verge of success. Even as I pulled my teams off their projects
> and placed them on 20-hour workdays, I knew the danger of what we
> were attempting.  Security was quadrupled, and enough biological
> containment was enacted to make the mouth of a CDC scientist water.
> I though we were in control.
>
>       I was wrong.
>
>       Now I sit in the final room between the most horrenous threat
> to human life that has ever occured and the outside world. Next to me
> are the dozen that remain from what was 300 highly trained security
> personnel.  Scientists who once were squeamish about stepping on a
> bug sit with automatic weapons in their laps, aimed at the door -
> a brutally Darwinian process having weeded out all those who could
> not survive in the face of the horror. Even the wounded hold weapons,
> because they know there is no escape, and pray that with their deaths
> they can buy the outside world time to prepare for the horrendous
> union of a bright red Siamese fighting fish and a woodchuck.
>
>       They are at the door. We can hear them working their way
> through metal designed to survive a direct nuclear blast. To anyone who
> recieves this message, prepare yourself, for the only thing capable
> of stopping them is... fgh8764634qnzx6b46*)C%T^$%^Q dhf dghje68648x
> z4e6 A@#^&^A toolatetheyareherestopthempleas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc looked up from the paper he was reading, his face whiter than
} usual, his features contorted with fear.  He felt cold inside, unable
} to move.
}
} The Oracle glanced at him from his throne.  "Zadoc!  Zadoc!
} ZAAAAADOOOOOC!" he roared.  "What is the matter with you?  What is
} that you're reading?"
}
} Zadoc shook himself out of his stuper.  "You might want to read this...
} It's what we always feared..."  He trembled as he handed the paper
} to his master.
}
} The Oracle grunted.  "I fear nothing, you insignificant little worm.
} Now let me see here..."
}
} As he read it, The Oracle showed no emotion but a slight twitching
} at the corners of his eyes.  He finished, and slowly set the paper
} down into his lap.
}
} "Do you know what will stop them, Oh greatest of the great, wisest
} of the wise?" Zadoc asked, his voice shaking.
}
} "Yes," intoned the Oracle grandly, his voicing echoing majestically
} throughout the chamber.  He looked at Zadoc expectantly.  Zadoc looked
} puzzled.  The Oracle frowned darkly.
}
} A light flashed over Zadoc's head.  "Oh, oh, I see!" he exclaimed.
} He fell to his knees facing The Oracle.  "Oh Oracle, you who are
} so wonderful, so brilliant, who shines like a beacon in a storm,
} for whom.."
}
} "GET ON WITH IT!" shouted The Oracle.  "Dammit, man, ask the question!
} This is no time for extensive grovelling!"
}
} Zadoc looked like he might burst into tears, but managed to hold
} himself together.  "What will stop the dreaded cross-breed between
} the Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish and the woo-"
}
} "DON'T SAY THAT WORD," boomed the Oracle.
}
} Zadoc was shaking like a leaf "-ah, between the Bright Red Siamese
} Fighting Fish and the Creature-Who-Shall-Forever-Remain-Nameless,
} oh Lord of all knowledge?
}
} The Oracle stepped down from his throne and whispered in Zadoc's ear.
} Zadoc began to smile.  The Oracle stepped back, folded his arms,
} and looked smug.  Zadoc giggled, which made the Oracle frown again,
} which caused Zadoc to start trembling (again).
}
} "Would you like me to contact them for you?"  asked Zadoc.
}
} "No, no, I better do this myself.  You botched it up last time, had
} them chasing aliens all over Utah or some such thing." The Oracle
} stepped back up to his throne and pulled out his laptop.  He began
} to compose an email message...
} **************************************
}
} Mulder was throwing pencils at the ceiling again.  Scully shuddered.
} He was such a *dweeb* sometimes.  She went back to reading "Women Who
} Are Unappreciated by the Men They Work With."  He wasn't getting the
} not-so-subtle hint.
}
} "Hey Scully, look at this!"
}
} "Mulder, if this is another midget-abduction-cow thing, I'm not
} interested."
}
} "No, no, it's an email I just received from one of my sources.
} Actually, my best source.  He's never given me a bad tip."
}
} "Sure, Mulder."  But her curiosity was peeked, so she went over to
} check it out.
}
} ------------------------------------------------
} From: A Friend
} To: Agent Mulder
}
} Mulder,
}
} A research lab in Western Tenessee.  Something very strange going
} on - a lot of screaming over the last week, and no one has left the
} building in months.  We think the government is involved somehow.
}
} The Big O
} ------------------------------------------
}
} Scully sighed.  "Mulder, this is so vague as to be useless.  What makes
} you think there's a case here?"
}
} Mulder looked crestfallen.  "But...but..." And his lower lip began
} to tremble.
}
} "Oh, oh, I'm sorry Mulder!  We can investigate!  Really! C'mon,
} let's go!" cried Scully, hoping that humouring him would help.
}
} Mulder nodded, fighting back the tears.  "I'm sorry, it's just we
} haven't had a decent case in months and the office really smells
} and...and...and..."
}
} "Shhh, shh, it's ok, let's go to Tennessee."
} *****************************
}
} "Yep," grunted the Farmer.  "Weird goings-on up there.  Yep."
}
} Scully sighed.  It was another one of *those* days.  So far they'd
} talked to fifty people, and they'd all just said there were weird
} things happening.  Suddenly, Mulder grabbed her arm.  "Look!"
} he shouted.
}
} Something was racing up the road towards them.  It was red, and
} small, and looked almost like a fish...but... with really HUGE teeth!
} And it was attacking!
}
} Scully fired, catching the thing right between the eyes.  It fell
} back to the earth, wriggling.
}
} "Yep," said the farmer.  "Pretty weird."  He stomped off into the
} field.
}
} "My god.." breathed Mulder. "Someone has cross-bred Woodchucks with
} Siamese Fighting Fish!  There's probably thousands of them up at
} that lab!"
}
} Scully stared at him.  "Mulder, you always make these bizarre intuitive
} logical leaps, with no apparent basis in reality!"
}
} He grinned.  "But I'm usually right, aren't I?  C'mon!"  He took off
} for the car.
}
} They arrived at the lab.  All was quiet.  A little TOO quiet.
}
} "Shouldn't we call for backup?" asked Scully.
}
} "Have we *ever* needed backup, Scully?"  replied Mulder.  "We can
} take care of this ourselves.  Here."  He handed her what looked like
} a grenade, except it had "RHOD" printed down the side.
}
} "Mulder, *where* did you get this?"
}
} "Huh?  Oh...I.." He looked puzzled.  "I have no idea!"
}
} Scully sighed for the five thousandth time that day.  Tonight, she
} thought to herself, I am *definately* putting in for a transfer.
}
} The entered the lab.  There were bodies everywhere, and a mysterious
} screaming noise coming from the hallway behind the damaged door.
} It was getting closer, and closer, and closer...
}
} "Scully, the RHODWIT!"  screamed Mulder as a thousand angry Red
} Siamese Fighting Woodchucks came boiling through the door.
}
} "Huh?"
}
} "The Grenade, the grenade!"
}
} Scully quickly pulled the pin and threw it at the RSFWs.
}
} A brilliant light surrounded the RSFWs, causing them to stop dead
} in their tracks and look confused.  From the light emerged men,
} and women, and pimpled teenagers, all with slightly green skin from
} staring at their monitors too long, and bruises on their foreheads,
} almost like they had been worshipping in some strange cult...
} ********************
}
} Scully woke up outside the lab.  "What?  Mulder?  Mulder!"
}
} He was lying beside her, looking around uncertainly.  "Scully, what
} happened to us?"
}
} "I don't know.  The last thing I remember was light, and people
} talking about Texas Barbeques and a little girl playing some kind of
} musical instrument... And those creatures were all dead...And they
} were cooking and eating them..."
}
} "C'mon, Scully, let's go home."
} *********************************
}
} Zadoc grinned.  "It happened just like you said, oh most wonderful
} of masters! But how did you know?"
}
} The Oracle plucked a few grapes from the bunch Lisa was holding out to
} him and rolled them around in his fingers.  "Because, no matter what
} impossible situation Mulder and Scully get into, everything always
} works out OK in the end.  I merely exploited that.  The Rhodites
} were a bit of a surprise, but hey, they got the job done, and the
} Barbequed Red Siamese Fighting Beast-Who-Shall-Forever-Remain-Nameless
} was delicious."
}
} Zadoc considered this.  "But there's one thing I still don't
} understand...  Who made the scientists create those creatures?"
}
} The Oracle glared.  "No grovel, no answer, Zadoc.  But don't worry,
} I'll be taking care of him in the next episode...I mean I'll take
} care of him later."


1004-10    (hapfd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pop Quiz:
>
> You're in a room with David Rhodes, B1FF, and Joel Furr.
> You have a gun with only two bullets.
> What do you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5H()()+  B1FF  +\/\/|[E


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