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Internet Oracularities #1005

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Internet Oracularities #1005    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1005
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1005  84 votes fqnh3 3hxo7 anze2 8ahxg bjjob ctvb1 6pCc3 6dvmc 8mpl8 9itl7
1005  3.0 mean  2.6   3.2   2.7   3.5   3.1   2.5   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.0


1005-01    (fqnh3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Awe-Inspiring Oracle, whose knowledge is truly fathomless and
> unfathomable and all those other nautical terms, please tell me: what
> is the best April Fools' Day prank you've ever pulled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Telling Zadoc that he could be the Oracle for a day.  Not only did he
} believe me -- which was a great joke to play on him -- but the dozens
} of pitiful supplicants (yourself included) got some of the most
} interesting advice I've ever seen.
}
} That reminds me.  The piece of "advice" he gave you.  Did you pour
} sulfuric acid on your genitals to get rid of your herpes?


1005-02    (3hxo7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> x

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, that's a toughie. Let's see, I'll move:
}
}  x| |o
}  -----
}   | |
}  -----
}   | |
}
} Your move.
}
}  x| |o
}  -----
}   | |
}  -----
}   | |x
}
} Ok, that's easy to answer:
}
}  x| |o
}  -----
}   |o|
}  -----
}   | |x
}
} Ha! Your move.
}
}  x| |o
}  -----
}   |o|
}  -----
}  x| |x
}
} Rats, I hoped you wouldn't see that. Well, I'll
} just move ... Hey, wait a minute ... Hmm, let
} me think a minute.
}
} Hey, isn't that Lisa behind you, wearing only a
} topless thong bikini?
}
}  x|x|o
}  -----
}   |o|o
}  -----
}   |x|
}
} Oops, my mistake, it's only Zadoc. Well, it's
} your move. What? No, I don't think I bumped
} the board. Now go ahead and move.


1005-03    (anze2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise and philanthropical, whose visage is like unto
> mine as Kate Winslet's is like unto Roseanne Arnold's, please answer
> unto me this question, of which I am confounded:
>
> I just checked the message queue and it said that you had no questions
> to answer.  However, three days ago I submitted a question, and
> haven't yet gotten a reply.  What is the story, your magnificence?
> Perhaps this is another symptom of the D1K bug?
>
> Yours faithfully,
> A subserviant incarnation

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} I am writing to you on behalf of Oracular Industries in regards to
} your recent question.  The D1K bug hit us pretty hard here, resulting
} in numerous unforseen side effects:
}
} -Zadoc mistakenly released a selection of faked Oracularities which
} were written by a bunch of parrots with typewriters.  These were
} intended for a prank The Oracle was going to play on Lord Satan
} at next week's Dieties Brunch, but instead caused much havok and
} consternation amongst the Rhodites, many of whom took to their beds,
} wailing "It's a travesty! A travesty!" while their concerned spouses
} mopped their brows with cool, wet, face cloths.
} -The entire priesthood vanished briefly when the Space-Time Continuum
} reversed itself back to 000 and none of them had been born yet.
} This was, luckily, corrected with no seemingly ill effects, although
} several priests have been spotted playing in the fountains and
} blabbering about bright lights and tunnels.
} -The billing system seized up, meaning that several thousand
} supplicants (including yourself) will probably be visited by creditors
} demanding payment for everything The Oracle has ever asked you for
} (up to and including the Whack-the-Weasel Game, the complete boxed
} set of "Willie Streetsmar and His Hilarious Harmonica", and a piece
} of the true cross.)
}
} As I'm sure you'll understand, the Oracle is a little stressed
} over this.  He wasn't in a good mood to begin with, let me tell you,
} with every other question for the last week being "How can I get into
} digest 1000?"  I'm sure we'll get to your question in due course,
} once we get everything sorted out.
}
} Yours Truly,
}
} Gribalt T. Snotwelter
} Head of the D1K Recovery Team


1005-04    (8ahxg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, marvelous, wonderful, amazing, great Oracle, please answer
> this plea:
>
> I spent all weekend trying to play my CD's backwards to hear the
> hidden messages.  What do you think of that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .lonelyT emos elcarO eht ewo uoY
}
} .innaY no dnif ll'uoy sregniz eht ta dezama eb ll'uoY .txet IICSA tib
} 7 sa weiv neht dna ,elif eht no 31TOR mrofrep ,)evird gig 4 a naht
} erom deen t'now uoy( retupmoc i buried paul ruoy ot stnetnoc latigid
} s'DC eht daolnwod :segassem eseht fo tsom dnif ot woh no tnih a uoy
} evig ll'I .segassem neddih rof sDC esoht gnihcraes do it eunitnoc ot
} eb dluow ecivda tseb yM .evitcudorp oot raf dnekeew ruoy ekam dluow
} hcihw ,dnik emos fo ecivres ytinummoc detnarrawnu emos mrofrep ot uoy
} dael thgim tahT turn me on dead man .snosirp.tla morf yawa yats ,ti fo
} kniht I taht won ,oN .snosirp.tla yllaicepse ,elbissop sa tenesU fo
} hcum sa daer ot si ,esruoc fo ,flesruoy ekil ton ,sremeetse-fles wol
} htiw barney is satan ralupop si taht reppu resu emit etinif dnekeew
} )dednetni nup( sseltiurf rehtonA .)einni tnenimorp rehtar a htiw
} kill your girlfriend hsorf dduM yevraH a yb dleh ,76 si ,yaw eht yb
} ,drocer eht( levan ruoy ni deffuts eb nac taht sdees elppa fo rebmun
} egareva eht lla rof dna ecno enimreted ot gnitpmetta dnekeew eritne
} ruoy tneps evah dluoc uoy drink pepsi ,elpmaxe roF .esrow enod evah
} dluoc uoy esoppus I ,koobtxet 101 mehC taht gnikcarc yllanif ro moor
} eat popcorn mrod ruoy gninaelc sa hcus ,seitivitca luftiurf erom no
} tneps retteb neeb evah dluoc dnekeew ruoy hguohtlA
}
} ,tnacilppuS raeD


1005-05    (bjjob dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thag ponder Og question.
>
> Og expect answer after one or two sun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:39 ] ...
}
} Thag! You can't do that. Maybe when Og wants to know which side to
} button his mammoth skin on you can do that, but not now. This is
} BIG TROUBLE!
}
} message from zadoc@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:52 ] ...
}
} Most splendid master, thou whose very discarded toenail clippings
} I am unworthy of polishing, I couldn't help noticing that the alarm
} bells.....
}
} message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:56 ] ...
}
} Zadoc! Forget the shuffling in on your knees, Og's in trouble.
} Plan B immediately. IMMEDIATELY.
}
} message from og@middle.paeolithic.era [ Mon Mar 2 19:74 999,984 BC ]
}
} Og not want bo-ther O-ra-kul. Og say 'but'. Og big trou-ble. Og told
} O-ra-kul di-gest #many Og free ques-tion. Og on-ly, Og not ask.
} Og say 'but'. Ogwa, Oglings too big trou-ble. Og need help now!!!!
} Og gro-vel much good gro-vel la-ter. Og lose big spiky club. Og more
} trou-ble!
} <EOT>
}
} message from zadoc@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:58 ] ...
}
} Plan B in action Master. All emergency goods transported to Og at
} the specified time and space co-ordinates.
}
} message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:44:01 ] ...
}
} OK everyone, we can relax now. Phew, that was a close one. Zadoc,
} go bring some beers from the fridge. And may I remind you that your
} previous permission not to grovel or shuffle was temporary only.
} On you knees, worm!
} <EOT>
}
} [Scene: An Archaelogical dig somewhere in southern Spain]
}
} Jacques! We've found a fossilised mud layer in the far end of the
} valley!
}
} Great news Charles! What does it show? Anything interesting?
}
} Dunno yet, I've got the American working on it.
}
} [Jacques and Charles run exitedly to the dig].
}
} Frank, what is it?
}
} Footprints, bits 'n pieces, bones, you name it, it's in this layer.
}
} Charles, what do you think happened?
}
} Well, the way I look at it is this. Look at these prints. Neanderthal
} or I'm a weekend hobbyist. But, look at the size. From small children
} to these sleek, perhaps female feet, and look at these beauties.
} We're talking about one of the biggest male Neanderthals for which
} evidence exists.
}
} Hmmm. Found any pieces that might help us work out what was happening?
}
} Yeah, all these bones. Tons of 'em. Big animals, sabretooth tigers,
} mammoths, mastedons, fair number too. All at the wide end of this
} little end of the valley. But look, all the Neanderthal feet are
} inside this little narrow passage.
}
} They must have been trapped. Any Neanderthal bones among the animals?
}
} Nope. Not a one.
}
} Let's look closer to see if we can work out the chain of events.
}
} Well, I thought of that myself, but look what I found. Weird.
}
} The femur of a mammoth, what's strange about that?
}
} Look what's stuck in it.
}
} Hmmmm. Looks like a harpoon. Maybe it fell in here some time recently.
}
} These bones have been buried since around 100,000 BC. This harpoon
} is stuck fast. Look at this one.
}
} Sabretooth tiger. There're a few holes in it. Strange holes, very
} round.  I've never seen holes like that before. What would make holes
} like that?
}
} I've seen holes like that before. In the 'nam.
}
} Vietnam? Did you help with any archaelogical digs in Vietnam?
}
} Nope, I served in the army. We used to shoot dead animals for fun.
} Come back a few months later, big holes in the bones just like that.
} Maybe an AK47.
}
} AK47???
}
} And look at these, in the same layer as the animal bones.
}
} Long thin, repeating tracks. Sort of square. What leaves tracks
} like that?
}
} A herd of stampeding animals? I've never seen tracks like that before.
} Frank?
}
} Seen 'em. Know 'em. Sherman tank, that's what that is. Look how the
} animal bones are crushed where the tank ran over 'em.
}
} I see. So, the pattern we're getting is that there were a family of
} Neanderthals trapped right up this end of the valley by a stampeding
} mob of mammoths, sabretooth tigers, and other large mammals.
} The Neanderthals then threw metal harpoons at the animals ....
}
} This harpoon seems to have been attached to a rocket launcher.
}
} ... fired metal harpoons at the animals. They then opened fire with
} an AK47 .....
}
} Hey, I've just found fragments from a howitzer shell.
}
} ...., a howitzer, and probably other weapons.....
}
} Frank, is this a grenade pin? There are a whole bunch of them pressed
} into the dried mud layer around where the juvenile Neanderthals were.
}
} ..... and then drove out of this end of the valley in a Sherman tank.
} I think that completes the picture.
}
} [silence for about 5 minutes]
}
} Jacques, is it possible to recall all the copies of my latest textbook
} for a quick rewrite?
}
} Sorry, I'm not involved in the details, but I know that all books
} in the academic series have already gone out. Charles, you know that
} article I wrote for your journal, you know, the one where I rubbished
} the Atlantis theorists.
}
} Yes.
}
} Is it too late to recall it?
}
} Maybe, but the internet version is out. People would know.
}
} [silence for another 5 minutes]
}
} You know, I think that if we used all the dynamite all at once,
} we could make this whole valley cave in on itself.
}
} You know, I think you're right. Frank, do you know much about
} explosives?
}
} Leave it to me, everybody get out of the area, this is going to be
} one mother of a big bang....
}
} You owe The Oracle some plans for a full sized copy of The Brooklyn
} Bridge that Og has to build for me, out of flint.


1005-06    (ctvb1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, wise beyond the ways of men and women,
>
> How can I get my nose to stop running?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my heavens....another one of THOSE questions.  ZADOC!
}
} Y-yes, my lord?
}
} Oh, stop cringing...I'm going to do you a favor.
}
} My lord?
}
} No, I really mean it this time.  I've received another softball, and
} since in addition to being Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omniverous,
} I am also a pretty nice guy at heart, I've decided to let YOU answer
} this one.
}
} My lord!  My heart explodes with joy!
}
} Just take another nitro; that should clear it up.  Here's the question:
} >>O, mighty Oracle, wise beyond the ways of men and women,
} >>
} >>How can I get my nose to stop running?
}
} Okay, Zadoc...this is your chance at the big time.  See if you can
} hit it out of the park.
}
} Yes, my lord!  [clears throat]  L-lowly worm of a s-s-suplicant...
}
} Go ahead; you're doing fine.
}
} Yes, my lord.  [clears throat again]  Lowly worm of a suplicant, glad
} am I that you have asked this question.  Such a glorious question;
} so insightful; so meaningful; so profound and full of --
}
} All RIGHT, Zadoc...I think we all know what this particular question
} is full of.  Let's cut to the chase and give the answer.
}
} Yes, my lord.  [clears throat yet again]
}
} AND DON'T HACK ANYTHING ONTO MY CARPETS!  I just had them cleaned.
}
} N-n-n-no, my lord!  A thousand pardons, my lord!
}
} Now get on with it; I want to go back to bed.
}
} Y-yes, my lord.
}
} And stop cringing.
}
} Y-yes, my lord....L-lowly w-worm of a s-s-sup...
}
} We already did that part.  Now give the goddamned answer!  How can
} the supplicant keep his nose from running?
}
} Y-yes, my lord.  The way to keep your nose from running is very easy.
} It is actually a very humorous answer, too...it is the same sort --
}
} ZADOC!
}
} My lord?  I was just going to say that it is the same sort of joke as
} the classic, "How do I keep my feet from smelling?"  It is based on
} the principle of the double meaning, and these are two rare cases where
} the second meaning is not even salacious, which makes them suitable --
}
} ENOUGH!
}
} But, my lord, I was just going to say --
}
} I SAID ENOUGH!
}
} But --
}
} <<ZOT!!!>>
}
} It is SO hard getting good help these days...oh, supplicant.
} I almost forgot you were there.  As for your runny nose...sorry
} for the delay.  You know how it is.  Damned servants....Yes, the
} runny nose.  Run down to Walgreen's, and get yourself some Sudafed.
} If they're out of that...mmmmm...oh, there's lots of alternatives.
} Go to the laundrymat, stick a bunch of change into one of the dryers,
} set it to "Maximum Dry", and stick your head in the drum for awhile.
} That should dry you right up.  In the meantime, try to not dribble
} snot all over everything...wear a long sleeve shirt, or a necktie,
} so you'll always have something to wipe with.
}
} Hope you get better soon.  Actually, to be truthful, I don't give a
} good goddamn about you.  But we have to keep up appearances.  And you
} still owe the Oracle a ticket to Henny Youngman's funeral.


1005-07    (6pCc3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most employable of all beings, for you need less training to do
> a job perfectly while asleep than Einstein would have well rested
> and on speed:
>
> The interview went well, but the sawdust on the floor of the office
> was faintly disturbing, and there was something about the buckteeth
> on my interviewer... anyway, my question: Will they offer me the job,
> and if they do, should I take it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, they will offer you the job, after 37 other applicants have
} turned down the offer because they noticed not only the sawdust and
} the buckteeth, but also the smell of decaying flesh and the unusual
} amount of garlic present on the surrounding buildings.
}
} However, you should indeed take the job.  Mr. Acula is indeed only
} in need of a secretary, and very rarely indeed is he in any way
} unpleasant towards his employees.  You should prepare yourself for
} some hard work, though.  Lugging away the bodies of his customers,
} replacing the sawdust once a week (his table manners aren't all
} that good) and keeping out mobs of enraged villagers with torches,
} hayforks and stakes.  Pay is good, though I would abstain from any
} 'complimentary fringe bonuses', if I were you.  They may cause your
} employment to become quite a bit longer than you would enjoy, and
} have a definite influence on your eating habits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a business folder with compartments for garlic,
} crosses and holy water.


1005-08    (6dvmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie!  You know, you need a really cool, catchy name for
> the people that send you a lot of questions and hang out in
> rec.humor.oracle.d.  You can't wear a T-shirt that says, "I enjoy
> submitting tellmes to oracle@cs.indiana.edu and trying to come up
> with a sufficiently humorous response to other people's questions to
> be included in the next digest of Oracularities on rec.humor.oracle."
> You see my point?
>
> You need a name that people will immediately associate with you, that
> sounds fun, that makes other people want to be a part of the action.
> You need a name like "Oracletes".  Nah, too classically Greek.
> How about "Oracaloozers"?  Nah, too Generation X.  I know!  How about
> "Oracleheads"?
>
> What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, a word for those who hang out at rec.humor.oracle.d. and want to
} advertise that fact on a t-shirt?
}
} Suckupplicants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a t-shirt which reads "ZOT!"


1005-09    (8mpl8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ***Stand by for transmission from the Big Giant Head.***
>
> Orrie, old friend. It's been a long time. How's the gang? Here on
> homeworld everything is running smoothly, but I have a problem with one
> of my Earth surveillance teams. You see, they're a bunch of idiots.
> I try and try to make them do things the right way, but they never
> seem to learn.
>
> Therefore, my question: Could you help me design a manual for behaving
> in a proper Earth manner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing, Head.  How are the little headlings?
}
} *****Terran Etiquette Protocols for Exploratory Expidition Members:*****
}                             A User Manual
}
} 1.  Camouflage
}      It is important to remember that these earthlings are unaware
}      of extraterrestrial life (read: us) and thus it is important
}      to have the right number of limbs, eyes, and respiratory organs.
}      Otherwise, the average human will think you are quite silly and
}      have nothing to do with you.
}              1. A)  Technical Specs.
}                      Eyes: 2 Noses(see part 17): 2
}                      Forelimbs: 2    Hindlimbs: 2(biped)
}              1. B)  Names.
}                      Names are an important part of your costume.
}                      You should pick a name that is inconspicuous.
}                      Good name:              Bad name:
}                      John Bigbooty           French Stewart
}                      Robert Silverberg       Ford Prefect
}                      Nata Alien              Alistair Crowley
}              1. C)  Language.
}                      Humans are funny about their language.  One
}                      should always try to emulate their idioms.
}                      Under no circumstances should you address
}                      someone as 'Human' 'Earthling' or 'Future Slave'
}                      'Carbon-based lifeform' is acceptable only
}                      at universities and England.
}                      Good phrases:
}                      "I speak good english."
}                      "Take me to your geezer."
}                      Bad phrases:
}                      "It's not my damn planet, monkey boy."
}                      "Gwan tikoogee gnobli Solo?"
}      This manual brought to you by the Big Giant Head.  When thinking
}      of giant heads, think of the *BIG* Giant Head.
} ...And so forth.  On the whole, humans aren't very observant.  You can
} always instruct your men to say they're on AOL.  Other humans will nod
} knowingly and ignore any odd behavior.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason that Guido was aiming at the wall.


1005-10    (9itl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uhm, O Oracle -- uh. Wow. I can't believe I'm really -- you know --
> talking to you. Uhm. Guess I'm not really talking to you. Well,
> emailing. Whatever. Wow. Heheh. Uhm. This is just so cool. Cuz, you
> know... you're so cool. I'm mean, you're like, *THE* Oracle. Oh man,
> that answer you gave, you know, about the frog? And the guy who didn't
> grovel? Oh, that was classic. Like, truly good stuff. Uhm.
>
> Okay, so I know I should be, like, grovelling? But the thing is, like,
> you're just so -- you know, well, anyways, like, you're the *ORACLE*.
> So, like I can't even think, and well, it's a bit, you know,
> embarassing, but... heheh... I'm not very, you know, like "eloquent"
> when I'm talking with my buddies, and I just sort of mumble around Kim,
> especially when she's wearing one of those really tight tops, and....
> well, anyways, uhm, you're just too cool, so I sorta can't think of
> anything to say. So, uhm, I was sorting of wondering, like, how should
> I grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Articulately.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thesaurus.


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