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Internet Oracularities #1006

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1006, 1006-01, 1006-02, 1006-03, 1006-04, 1006-05, 1006-06, 1006-07, 1006-08, 1006-09, 1006-10


Internet Oracularities #1006    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 00:10:28 -0500 (EST)

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1006  83 votes 6kjrb 4dsqc dkph8 8jvl4 ahmmc 59ssd esmc7 6puf7 4lCh3 5flrf
1006  3.1 mean  3.2   3.3   2.8   2.9   3.1   3.4   2.6   2.9   2.9   3.4


1006-01    (6kjrb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orracle most superior in actions of both a corporeal and celestial
> nature:
> Why can't I get the blood stains out from beneath my fingernails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ACT 5, SCENE 1: The Macbeth-Room in the Temple.
}
}           Enter the ORACLE and a Zadoc.
}
}           Enter SUPPLICANT, with a question.
}
}    ZADOC: Lo Oracle most grand, here she comes! This is her very queue;
}           and, upon my life, with a question lame and un-subtle.
}
}    ORACLE: How came she by that odd question?
}
}    Zadoc: Dunno.
}
}    ORACLE: You see, her eyes are open. Ay, but their sense is shut.
}
}    Zadoc: Take my lines oh wise one, I care not!
}
}    ORACLE: What is it she does now? Look, how she rubs
}           her hands as if with carpal tunnel woes.
}
}    Zadoc: It is an accustomed action with supplicants
}           to seem thus almost to ask a good question, yet do not.
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Yet here's a spot.
}
}    ORACLE: Bark! she speaks: I will set down what
}           comes from her, to satisfy my need for answers
}           that seem scholarly to the viewers of tube boob.
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Out, damned spot! out, I say!--
}
}           > Oh Oracle most superior in actions of both a corporeal and
}           > celestial nature:
}           >
}           > Why can't I get the blood stains out from beneath my
}           > fingernails?
}
}           We fear who knows it, when admins can call on dark
}           powers to yank our account?--Yet who would have thought the
}           old w..dch..k to have had so much blood in him.
}
}    ORACLE: Do you mark that? Tis but a fell beast she fell
}          it matters not!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Here's the smell of the blood still:
}           all the perfumes of Nordies will not sweeten this little
}           hand. Oh, oh, oh! I whine, I will loser sore!
}
}    ORACLE: Sheesh! Get ye to a lyfe!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Wash your mouth...
}
}    ORACLE: Say What?! Back Zadoc!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: To ask, to tell, to...
}
}    ORACLE: to Hell! ZOT ZOT ZOT I say.
}
}        [ Oracle zots supplicant ]
}
}    SUPPLICANT: I die!
}
}    ORACLE: Fie!
}
}           [Exeunt.]
}      _________________________________________________________________
}
} You owe the Oracle a mobile forest.


1006-02    (4dsqc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, whose omniscience is so great that you
> already knew I was going to ask this question even before it occurred
> to me, please do this lowly supplicant the honour of answering my
> humble question.
>
> What exactly is the punishment if I remove the "do not remove this tag"
> tag from my mattress, and is that law ever really enforced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be wary of the Tag Detector Vans, my friend.  You might think that
} RV driving down the street is just some innocent tourist, trundling
} slowly down the suburban streets, consulting their street directories
} whilst looking for a street down which to turn.
}
} But no.
}
} In the back of these innocent-appearing vans sits an array of
} equipment so high-tech even the FBI are unaware of its very existence.
} Until they intercept and read this email of course.  In each van sits
} the tag removal detection devices.. listening on all frequencies for
} the cry of help issued by a tag as it is mercilessly removed from its
} parent mattress.  Yes, every tag has a combination transmitter and
} GPS unit.  Be sure of what you're dealing with here.  Additional to
} the high tech wizardry, each van is equipped with two large, burly,
} muscled men.  And for a very good reason...
}
} Research has established that it's usually only extremely foolish
} people who remove their labels.  People that aren't averse to physical
} violence to settle their disputes.  People who can only be subdued
} by extreme physical force.  People ... who need to be wrestled to
} the ground.
}
} But how to select these special individuals?  How to tell who has
} the mettle to be able to subdue a potentially vicious tag remover?
} A nationwide, rigorous scheme of trials, cunningly disguised as a TV
} show with what would _appear_ to be choreographed wrestling routines,
} actually sorts the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys.
} Only the supreme wrestlers who survive the countless challenges,
} not to mention the verbal threats from their opponents, earn the
} right to pilot those vans.  To be a part of the elite team considered
} capable of wrestling those tag-removers to the ground, and bringing
} them to justice.
}
} And thus, Tag Team Wrestling was born.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hulk Hogan.  And please, not in his twilight-years
} 'Thunder in Paradise' guise.  Ick.


1006-03    (dkph8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatful oracle, who knows if Bubba really did the deed in Arkansaw,
> who knows who truly shot JFK, who knows why Tricky Dick resigned, who
> can peer into the mind of a Starr...
>
> Please answer this unworthy supplicants plea:
>
> Will Zippy run for president in 2000?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle whips out his cell-phone and punches in Zippy's number]
}
} ORACLE: Hey Zip, old pal, how's it going?
}
} ZIPPY: A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
}
} ORACLE: He'll be okay. Now Zippy, I called because I heard you are
}         thinking of running for office again in 2000.
}
} ZIPPY: All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
}
} ORACLE: True enough. So I take that as a yes?
}
} ZIPPY: A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume...
}
} ORACLE: That is either going to be a big plus or a big minus
}         with the electorate depending on their gender and party
}         affiliation.
}
} ZIPPY: America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING
}        into your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
}
} ORACLE: Exactly. What's your platform going to be, have you decided?
}
} ZIPPY: Make mine a glazed!
}
} ORACLE: That -might- work... Maybe Griffy could help you on that one.
}         I suggest you try something a little more. . .
}
} ZIPPY:  HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
}
} ORACLE: Well, being tough on crime always helps. How about a running
}         mate? Who are you going to pick?
}
} ZIPPY:  How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's
}         th' MOUSTACHE ...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
}         SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
}         HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
}
} ORACLE: You could do worse. Well, best of luck Zippy.
}
} ZIPPY: Am I elected yet?
}
} You the Oracle an apology to Bill Griffith.


1006-04    (8jvl4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <clemenr@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fat Oracle, you are jolly and carefree, never having to worry about
> physical difficulties except maybe a stuck keyboard.  I am beyond fat.
> I am not only vertically challanged, but horizontally enhanced.  Every
> day I get stuck in furniture and bathrooms, needing to be rescued the
> the fire department.  They joke that next time they won't bother unless
> I'm on fire.
>
> Is there a way I can get out of this situation without self-immolation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2
}                      |
}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2 + NaOH --> 3 CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-Na + glycerol
}                      |
}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2
}
} Sometimes the only solution is a little white lye.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jenny Craig and a bar of Palmolive.


1006-05    (ahmmc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, who would never rub thyself against pointy objects
> until you sink...
>
> ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc> Huh? What? Oh my master!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!! ICEBERG RIGHT
}        AHEAD!!!!
}
} Zodoc> Huh? What? AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kendai!! Get the
}        master!
}
} Kendai> Huh? Wha? Thag! HHEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!! ICEBERG
}         RIGHT AHEAD!!!!!
}
} Thag> Ug!
}
} Oracle> Huh?
}
} Thag> Ug!
}
} Oracle> What?
}
} Thag> UG!
}
} Oracle> What? Come quickly, there's a giant iceberg approaching and
}         Zadoc, Zodoc and Kendai haven't got a clue what to do?
}
} Thag> Ug! Ug! Ug!
}
} Oracle> (wishing he hadn't shown Thag those re-runs of Skippy The Bush
}         Kangaroo) Alright, alright.........(sound of footsteps).......
}         now what's going on?
}
} Zodoc> Look, master! Iceberg dead ahead!
}
} Zadoc> Yes! Iceberg dead ahead, master! Save us, O omnipotent one, save
}        us!
}
} Oracle> Where ?
}
} Zadoc, Zodoc, Kendai > THERE!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} Thag> Ugh!!!!!!!!
}
} Oracle> Where? Oh - there, I see. Ok, gather round, minions. At a time
}         like this, there's a few things that an omniscient
}         anthropomorphic personification needs to say. First of all -
}         this is not a ship. You can kind of tell, if you look closely.
}         Lack of sails. Masts. Rigging. Porpoises frolicking around the
}         forward bow, sort of thing. See any? No. Right. So we can't be
}         in danger of sinking, can we? No. Secondly, there may well be
}         an iceberg right ahead and closing, but the problem is easily
}         solved. Zadoc?
}
} Zadoc> Y-y-y-es, master?
}
} Oracle> When was the last time you fed the giant rabbit?
}
} Zadoc> G-g-g-giant r-r-rabbit, master?
}
} Oracle> Yes, the giant rabbit, you know, the one we got for the remake
}         of The Incredible Shrinking Man?
}
} Zadoc> Oh, THAT giant rabbit - er, about three years ago, master.
}
} Oracle> So it's hungry, yes? Right, go and set it loose, it'll devour
}         that giant iceberg in seconds.
}
} Zadoc> Yes master (exit Zadoc)
}
} Oracle> Damn giant outsize salad vegetables! Last week it was a giant
}         beetroot, this week a giant Iceberg Lettuce, what's it going
}         to be next -  an interstellar coleslaw nebula? I don't know
}         what the continuum's coming to, I really don't..............
}
} You owe The Oracle a pun even worse than that.


1006-06    (59ssd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, who speaks all languages from Arabic to Zulu, please
> answer the following question to this humble mortal:
>
> Since there is no alphabet in Chinese or Japanese (symbols stand for
> words), how do they make it to find a word in the dictionary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Master smiled to himself.  It had been a good day.  Several
} supplicants had come to him seeking wisdom and he had been able to
} enlighten them with a koan or with a simple demonstration.  Only one
} remained, a young wandering monk.
}
} The door opened and a gray haired man entered.  "I am Caine.  I am here
} to help you."
}
} The Master blinked.  Usually the supplicants wished help and did not
} offer to bestow it.  "I believe you are confused.  Have you not come
} seeking guidance... grasshopper?"
}
} "No thank you.  I am not thirsty," replied Caine, to the Master's
} proffered drink.  "I have a question which can only be answered by the
} most wise of all of the Zen masters.  However, they were busy elsewhere
} so I have come to you.  It is well known that the Chinese and Japanese
} languages use pictograms to represent words; how would one find a word
} in a dictionary in this situation?"
}
} The Master pondered this question for a moment and replied, "are you
} certain you would not prefer to snatch a pebble from my hand instead?"
}
} Cain also rejected the Master's offer of breakfast cereal.  "No, I wish
} to know how to use a Chinese or Japanese dictionary to look up a word."
}
} The Master thought about this and then the world seemed to become
} blurry. Suddenly he was back in the days of his youth, kneeling at the
} feet of his Master to catch the pearls of wisdom as they feel from
} above. "Ah, young one," the Master was speaking, "there will some time
} come a day when you are asked a question for which you do not know the
} answer.  Your best hope is to avoid the question entirely; perhaps also
} make a lame pun."
}
} The fog cleared and the Master smiled back at Caine.  "I have your
} answer. When you wish to look up a word in a Chinese or Japanese
} dictionary," the Master paused to point a finger directly at the gray
} haired supplicant, "you use the index."  And thus Caine was
} enlightened.
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chinese to Japanese to Ancient Egyptian
} dictionary.


1006-07    (esmc7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, your question came through
}                      .umop episdn


1006-08    (6puf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle who (like me) never grovels,
>
> Please tell me: why can I never get my own way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you insist on always having one. I know that the following are
} utter anathema to the way you have lived your life, but try to bear in
} mind that:
} 1) Expectations are merely premeditated resentments.
} 2) Those who insist on "my way or the highway" end up as roadkill.
} 3) Jimmy Carter was right: Life IS unfair. You cannot change this.
} 4) Temper tantrums are unbecoming in people over the age of seven.
} 5) If it is your perception that you never lose arguments, what's
}    _really_ happening is that people who engage in discourse for
}    purposes of mutual enlightenment don't waste a lot of time trying to
}    talk to walls.
} 6) The universe is VERY large. You are VERY small. Don't take the
}    universe personally. Chances are, whatever's going on has nothing
}    to do with you.
} 7) Reality is independent of your opinion.
}
} ...these can be of use in learning how not to have a way to get, which
} tends to lead to a more fulfilling life. If you're interested in that.
} If you'd rather be discontented over minor inconveniences, disturbed
} over personal slights, and outraged over injustices beyond your control,
} keep doing what you're doing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel. It's the way it's done. And please don't
} assume, just because I actually _do_ know everything, that my ego is
} anywhere near the size of yours.


1006-09    (4lCh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who always knows what's up, please tell me why
> people use "new and improved" to describe a product when those words
> are inherantly contradictory? After all, if something is new, how
> can it be improved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's clear that you're not in the marketing industry, both from
} your lackluster grovel and your question. Well, my grovel-challenged
} supplicant, here's the story.
}
} Many incarnations ago, two shrew marketers (no, dear supplicant,
} that's not a typo. They weren't particularly clever, but they did
} sell shrews) were trying to corner the shrew market.
}
} These businessmen (let's call them Thag and Og, for the sake of...
} well, ok, for no reason) had a distinct problem. Since they were
} both selling the exact same product, it was difficult to convince
} customers to choose one shrew over another.
}
} "Thag shrew stink bad!"
}
} "Og shrew no good smell!
}
} As you can see, neither of these arguments is really more compelling
} than the other. What Thag and Og needed was a way to convince everyone
} to buy their shrew, even though all the shrews were really the same.
} Since their cost was basically the same (there really -aren't- that
} many ways to skin a shrew, despite all those stories that have been
} going around), they couldn't really use price as a selling point,
} either.
}
} Since Thag and Og didn't really want to -lie- to their customers
} (Although many marketers, even to this day, don't suffer from this
} probem), they were in a bind...
}
} ...Until I received a question from Og a while back.
}
} > > "Oracle make shrew smell good! Og shrew sell help need!"
}
} (As you can see, you're pretty much on par with Og for a good grovel)
}
} My advice then, as it is now, was to tell potential customers some
} meaningless bit of nothing about the product. If their customers were
} as stupid as they were (a reasonable assumption), then they'd latch on
} to that as an indication of a superior product, and sales would rocket!
} (of course, try explaining rocket to Og. Man. that guy is thick as
} a brick)
}
} So, phrases like "new and improved" actually, as you managed to figure
} out, sum up to nothing. And things like "50% more" don't mean anything
} if you don't give something to compare to. You may have even noticed a
} similar trend in some fast food stores to label their drinks 'Medium',
} 'Large', and 'Bust-a-Kidney' ... with nothing to compare their size
} labels to, it doesn't matter.
}
} Og started a new campaign for his shrew business that helped him club
} Thag over the head (metaphorically speaking)... "Og Shrew: More meat,
} more stink!"
}
} The moral of this story is... 50% better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent explanation of which way is up, a new
} and improved grovel, and a Mr. Pibb Big Gulp.


1006-10    (5flrf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most necessary item in the known, you are the one whose razor
> sharp wit keeps us mortals from walling off the edge of the Earth.
>
> Why do people have an appendix anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Creator was paid by the word.
}
} You owe the Oracle an introduction by Stephen Hawking.


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