} MURDER AT THE CAVE
} An Urk Ule Poirot Mystery by Ogatha Christie
} Urk, aka Ule Poirot, a cave-man
} Og, a cave-man
} Ogwa, his wife
} Big Ogling, Little Ogling, Stupid Ogling, Big Ogwaling, Little Ogwaling,
} Ugly Ogwaling, Og and Ogwa's children, collectively known as Oglings
} Dog, Og's canine
} Thag and Thagwa, friends of Og and Ogwa
} Stupid Thagwaling, daughter of Thag and Thagwa, very pretty
} Zog, Og's old father (referred to, does not appear)
} Ug, Og's younger brother
} Igwa, the required unattached female
} Hag, an elderly woman
} Hog, a neighbor
} Numerous Extrags
} [Time: high noon. Camera pans over a landscape of what one day will be
} the County of Shropshire, zooming in to a cave by a waterfall. Big
} Ogling and Stupid Thagwaling are sitting on a rock in front of the
} Big O: Why Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling?
} Stupid T: Ogling not have no stuff. Thagwaling pretty?
} Big O: Thagwaling more pretty many many much good flower!
} Stupid T: Thagwaling so pretty, Thagwaling marry man have much stuff.
} Big O: Thagwaling mean, very mean.
} Stupid T: Thagwaling smart, very smart.
} Big O: Word 'smart' no exist, every person still stupid.
} Stupid T: Ogling very stupid, no have stuff!
} Big O: Ogling get much stuff little time. Ogling father Og, Og father
} Zog. Zog have many many animal skin. Zog have many cave. Zog little
} time die, Og get much stuff, give stuff Ogling.
} Stupid T: Ogling liar. Thagwaling leave. [Starts to leave.]
} [Enter Og, with Urk.]
} Og: Big Ogling, where Ogwa and Oglings?
} Big O: Ogwa in cave.
} Og: OGWA!
} Ogwa: [Coming out from cave.] What big stupid Og have say?
} Og: Og find friend Urk, bring Urk cave sleep few day. This Urk.
} Ogwa: Og MUCH big stupid! Og only have small cave. Og have many Ogling.
} Og have Zog sleep in cave. Og bring friend Thag sleep in cave. Thag
} bring friend Thagwa daughter Stupid Thagwaling sleep in cave. Og brother
} Ug no have own cave, sleep in Og cave. Og bring dead friend daughter
} Igwa sleep in cave. Og bring dead friend mother Hag sleep in cave. Og
} bring kay-nine Dog sleep in cave. Og MUCH BIG STUPID!
} Og: This Ogatha Christie mis-tery. Need every person be cave-guest in
} one cave.
} Ogwa: Og father Zog have many cave, Zog ought give Og few cave. Zog
} mean bad selfish!
} Og: Ogwa shut large mouth!
} Urk: How Ogwa do? Urk much pleased meet Ogwa.
} [Time: Dusk. Entire cast except Hog and Zog sit around fire outside
} cave, eating.]
} Ogwa: [Handing meat to Stupid Ogwaling.] Take meat Zog. [Stupid Ogwaling
} goes into cave, and returns quickly.]
} Stupid O: Zog dead!
} Ogwa: Much time wait this happen.
} Stupid O: No normal! Zog hit on head with big spiky club!
} Og: Murder most foul! My own father! In my own cave!
} Ogwa: Big stupig Og talk stupid. Talk normal!
} Og: Og sorry. Og very surprised and talk weird.
} Urk: Og let Urk handle, Urk good at this. Every person tell Urk where
} person was afternoon.
} Thag: Ug and Thag go hunt, all afternoon.
} Ogwa: Ogwa and Thagwa cut meat, put over fire.
} Urk: Ogwa and Thagwa do meat all afternoon?
} Ogwa: No. Ogwa gather fruit by self before cut meat.
} Thagwa: Thagwa work with animal skin by self.
} Big O: Big Ogling sad, go walk in forest by self.
} Urk: Why Big Ogling sad?
} Big O: Stupid Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling.
} Urk: Where Stupid Thagwaling all afternoon?
} Stupid T: Thagwaling not tell fat ugly Urk where Thagwaling!
} Thagwa: Stupid Thagwaling not be stupid! Tell Urk where Thagwaling.
} Stupid T: Thagwaling no tell!
} Urk: Where Og, Igwa, Hag?
} Og: Og go hunt by self.
} Igwa: Igwa and Hag go gather fruit. Igwa and Hag see Og.
} Og: Og no see Igwa and Hag.
} Hag: Og chasing animal, look at animal. Igwa and Hag get out of animal
} way, not want get clubbed by Og.
} Og: Og never club Hag and Igwa!
} Urk: Every person tired. Every person go to sleep.
} [Fade-out as cast clean up and head to cave.]
} [Time: Next morning. Og, Thag, Ug and Urk stand in front of cave. Hog
} Hog: Hog hear Zog dead. Hog sorry. Hog come help Og bring Zog
} Og. Og thank Hog. Zog in cave.
} [Urk goes into cave, comes out quickly.]
} Hog: Zog not die normal! Zog hit with big spiky club!
} Og: Hog correct.
} Hog: Hog yesterday in forest, hear Thag say Zog ought die soon.
} Thag: Hog not correct. Hog liar!
} Ug: Thag murderer!
} Og: Thag murderer!
} [Remainder of cast except Oglings (but including Big Ogling) come out of
} cave and yell "Thag Murderer!"]
} Thag: Urk please help Thag. Thag not murderer!
} Hog: Thag call Hog liar. Thag murderer! Hog kill Thag!
} Urk: Hog be quiet.Urk een-vest-ee-gate. Need look all possibilities. Og
} hunt all afternoon, Igwa and Hag see Og. Og cannot kill Zog. Ug and Thag
} together hunt all afternoon. Cannot kill Zog. Ogwa and Thagwa by self
} before do meat, maybe kill Zog. Big Ogling by self in forest, maybe kill
} Zog. Stupid Thagwaling very stupid, no tell Urk where all afternoon.
} Maybe kill Zog. Igwa and Hag gather fruit together, cannot kill Zog.
} Hog: Too many person maybe kill Zog! Hog say Thag kill Zog.
} Urk: Hog please wait. Hog say Thag say Zog die. Who Thag say this?
} Hog: Thag hunt with Og.
} Thag: Thag hunt with Ug!
} Igwa: Igwa and Hag see Og by self.
} Urk: Man running after animal, Igwa and Hag, scared, maybe not Og?
} Igwa: Maybe not.
} Ug: Hog correct. Ug hunt by self. Ug know Thag not murderer, Thag know
} Ug not murderer, give each other alley-bye.
} Og: Og hunt with Thag, have alley-bye.
} Urk: Thag liar, Thag alley-bye no good.
} Thag: Thag hunt with Og, Thag tell Og Zog need die. Og say Og go, Og
} leave Thag in forest.
} Hog: Og murderer! Og murderer!
} Urk: Og murderer. One thing need done. Ug!
} Ug: Igwa marry Ug?
} Igwa: Why?
} Ug: Igwa un-att-ach-d fe-male. Necessary Igwa marry Ug so mis-tery end.
} Igwa: Igwa tired of mis-tery, want mis-tery end. Igwa marry Ug.
} [Rapid fade-out as Ug and Igwa move to embrace.]
} THE END
} You owe the Oracle an Academy Award.