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Internet Oracularities #1008

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Internet Oracularities #1008    (89 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 18 Apr 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1008
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1008  89 votes 29hBo ohoh7 5ryk3 dnE94 29vAb 9frt9 asAc3 59oro eBnd2 7htt7
1008  3.0 mean  3.8   2.6   2.9   2.6   3.5   3.2   2.7   3.6   2.5   3.1


1008-01    (29hBo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most tidy one, who never drops his jacket on the floor, or decides
>  which shirt to wear by the "sniff-to-see-if-it's-clean" test.  Oracle,
>  I am  honored to be able to ask you this question;
>
>  What is it we humans should fear the most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rampaging hippos and ravenous panthers
} Poisonous plants dripping venom from anthers
} Huge flocks of vampire-bats with ticks on their wings
} These are a few of the scariest things!
}
} Mall-roving Krishnas with bundles of flowers
} Door to door salesmen who blather for hours
} The TV Evangelist with the fat wife who sings
} These are a few of the scariest things!
}
} Terrorist factions with big vats of anthrax
} Senators swimming in troughs full of kickbacks
} Bungling Eff Bee Eye Agents on stings
} These area few of the scariest things!
}
} When my wife whines
} When my ears ring
} When I just can't dance
} I simply remember the scariest things
} And then I shit my pants!
}
} Half-evolved apemen with fingers on buttons
} Talk shows with thousand pound immoble gluttons
} Revivals of movies where Travolta sings
} These are a few of the scariest things!
}
} Ebola viruses lurking in jungles
} Governments hushing up CIA bungles
} Rich hip-hop charlatans ripping off Sting
} These are a few of the scariest things!
}
} Survivalist maniacs hiding in shelters
} Greenhouse effects making everyting swelter
} Mid 80's retro and the rebirth of swing
} These are a few
}
} of the scariest THIIIIIIINGS!
}
} You owe the oracle something that will block out the sound of music.


1008-02    (ohoh7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fake Og here.  Fake Og grovel to no one.  Fake Og have Mercedes and
> Model Girlfriend.
>
> Fake Og make living impersonation real Og.  Fake Og request Orekule
> no Zot Og.  Og make Fake Og rich.
>
> If Og die, Fake Og do good Bill Clinton.  Orekule want hire Fake Og?
>
> You owe Fake Og a new script.  This is lousy.  The director sucks.
> I'm asking for more millions next time.  I'm an academy award winning
> actor for god sakes, reduced to doing cheap Og impressions with
> lame scripts.  I don't even like Og!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MURDER AT THE CAVE
} An Urk Ule Poirot Mystery by Ogatha Christie
}
} Characters:
} Urk, aka Ule Poirot, a cave-man
} Og, a cave-man
} Ogwa, his wife
} Big Ogling, Little Ogling, Stupid Ogling, Big Ogwaling, Little Ogwaling,
} Ugly Ogwaling, Og and Ogwa's children, collectively known as Oglings
} Dog, Og's canine
} Thag and Thagwa, friends of Og and Ogwa
} Stupid Thagwaling, daughter of Thag and Thagwa, very pretty
} Zog, Og's old father (referred to, does not appear)
} Ug, Og's younger brother
} Igwa, the required unattached female
} Hag, an elderly woman
} Hog, a neighbor
} Numerous Extrags
}
} [Time: high noon. Camera pans over a landscape of what one day will be
} the County of Shropshire, zooming in to a cave by a waterfall. Big
} Ogling and Stupid Thagwaling are sitting on a rock in front of the
} cave.]
}
} Big O: Why Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling?
} Stupid T: Ogling not have no stuff. Thagwaling pretty?
} Big O: Thagwaling more pretty many many much good flower!
} Stupid T: Thagwaling so pretty, Thagwaling marry man have much stuff.
} Big O: Thagwaling mean, very mean.
} Stupid T: Thagwaling smart, very smart.
} Big O: Word 'smart' no exist, every person still stupid.
} Stupid T: Ogling very stupid, no have stuff!
} Big O: Ogling get much stuff little time. Ogling father Og, Og father
} Zog.  Zog have many many animal skin. Zog have many cave. Zog little
} time die, Og get much stuff, give stuff Ogling.
} Stupid T: Ogling liar. Thagwaling leave. [Starts to leave.]
} [Enter Og, with Urk.]
} Og: Big Ogling, where Ogwa and Oglings?
} Big O: Ogwa in cave.
} Og: OGWA!
} Ogwa: [Coming out from cave.] What big stupid Og have say?
} Og: Og find friend Urk, bring Urk cave sleep few day. This Urk.
} Ogwa: Og MUCH big stupid! Og only have small cave. Og have many Ogling.
} Og have Zog sleep in cave. Og bring friend Thag sleep in cave. Thag
} bring friend Thagwa daughter Stupid Thagwaling sleep in cave. Og brother
} Ug no have own cave, sleep in Og cave. Og bring dead friend daughter
} Igwa sleep in cave. Og bring dead friend mother Hag sleep in cave. Og
} bring kay-nine Dog sleep in cave. Og MUCH BIG STUPID!
} Og: This Ogatha Christie mis-tery. Need every person be cave-guest in
} one cave.
} Ogwa: Og father Zog have many cave, Zog ought give Og few cave. Zog
} mean bad selfish!
} Og: Ogwa shut large mouth!
} Urk: How Ogwa do? Urk much pleased meet Ogwa.
}
} [Blackout.]
}
} [Time: Dusk. Entire cast except Hog and Zog sit around fire outside
} cave, eating.]
}
} Ogwa: [Handing meat to Stupid Ogwaling.] Take meat Zog. [Stupid Ogwaling
} goes into cave, and returns quickly.]
} Stupid O: Zog dead!
} Ogwa: Much time wait this happen.
} Stupid O: No normal! Zog hit on head with big spiky club!
} Og: Murder most foul! My own father! In my own cave!
} Ogwa: Big stupig Og talk stupid. Talk normal!
} Og: Og sorry. Og very surprised and talk weird.
} Urk: Og let Urk handle, Urk good at this. Every person tell Urk where
} person was afternoon.
} Thag: Ug and Thag go hunt, all afternoon.
} Ogwa: Ogwa and Thagwa cut meat, put over fire.
} Urk: Ogwa and Thagwa do meat all afternoon?
} Ogwa: No. Ogwa gather fruit by self before cut meat.
} Thagwa: Thagwa work with animal skin by self.
} Big O: Big Ogling sad, go walk in forest by self.
} Urk: Why Big Ogling sad?
} Big O: Stupid Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling.
} Urk: Where Stupid Thagwaling all afternoon?
} Stupid T: Thagwaling not tell fat ugly Urk where Thagwaling!
} Thagwa: Stupid Thagwaling not be stupid! Tell Urk where Thagwaling.
} Stupid T: Thagwaling no tell!
} Urk: Where Og, Igwa, Hag?
} Og: Og go hunt by self.
} Igwa: Igwa and Hag go gather fruit. Igwa and Hag see Og.
} Og: Og no see Igwa and Hag.
} Hag: Og chasing animal, look at animal. Igwa and Hag get out of animal
} way, not want get clubbed by Og.
} Og: Og never club Hag and Igwa!
} Urk: Every person tired. Every person go to sleep.
}
} [Fade-out as cast clean up and head to cave.]
}
} [Time: Next morning. Og, Thag, Ug and Urk stand in front of cave. Hog
} approaches.]
}
} Hog: Hog hear Zog dead. Hog sorry. Hog come help Og bring Zog
} Stonehenge.
} Og. Og thank Hog. Zog in cave.
} [Urk goes into cave, comes out quickly.]
} Hog: Zog not die normal! Zog hit with big spiky club!
} Og: Hog correct.
} Hog: Hog yesterday in forest, hear Thag say Zog ought die soon.
} Thag: Hog not correct. Hog liar!
} Ug: Thag murderer!
} Og: Thag murderer!
} [Remainder of cast except Oglings (but including Big Ogling) come out of
} cave and yell "Thag Murderer!"]
} Thag: Urk please help Thag. Thag not murderer!
} Hog: Thag call Hog liar. Thag murderer! Hog kill Thag!
} Urk: Hog be quiet.Urk een-vest-ee-gate. Need look all possibilities. Og
} hunt all afternoon, Igwa and Hag see Og. Og cannot kill Zog. Ug and Thag
} together hunt all afternoon. Cannot kill Zog. Ogwa and Thagwa by self
} before do meat, maybe kill Zog. Big Ogling by self in forest, maybe kill
} Zog. Stupid Thagwaling very stupid, no tell Urk where all afternoon.
} Maybe kill Zog.  Igwa and Hag gather fruit together, cannot kill Zog.
} Hog: Too many person maybe kill Zog! Hog say Thag kill Zog.
} Urk: Hog please wait. Hog say Thag say Zog die. Who Thag say this?
} Hog: Thag hunt with Og.
} Thag: Thag hunt with Ug!
} Igwa: Igwa and Hag see Og by self.
} Urk: Man running after animal, Igwa and Hag, scared, maybe not Og?
} Igwa: Maybe not.
} Ug: Hog correct. Ug hunt by self. Ug know Thag not murderer, Thag know
} Ug not murderer, give each other alley-bye.
} Og: Og hunt with Thag, have alley-bye.
} Urk: Thag liar, Thag alley-bye no good.
} Thag: Thag hunt with Og, Thag tell Og Zog need die. Og say Og go, Og
} leave Thag in forest.
} Hog: Og murderer! Og murderer!
} Urk: Og murderer. One thing need done. Ug!
} Ug: Igwa marry Ug?
} Igwa: Why?
} Ug: Igwa un-att-ach-d fe-male. Necessary Igwa marry Ug so mis-tery end.
} Igwa: Igwa tired of mis-tery, want mis-tery end. Igwa marry Ug.
}
} [Rapid fade-out as Ug and Igwa move to embrace.]
}
} THE END
}
} You owe the Oracle an Academy Award.


1008-03    (5ryk3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Astute Oracle who is so canny that she knows when to sell short;
>
> What type of stocks would you advise me to NOT buy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't buy stocks of pine.  They are too soft, and the criminals tend
} to escape too easily.
}
} You owe the oracle a prospectus.


1008-04    (dnE94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows the ways of all creatures, great and small,
> please answer my most humble and unworthy question.
>
> As you know, Boston Red Socks fans are the nosiest whiners in sports
> history:  "We're under the Curse of the Babe!"  "Bill Buckner's glove
> should burn in hell forever!"  "Bucky Dent is a &(%^#$$&#*#$!"  and so
> on.
>
> It's time to stick it to them again.  What happens now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UPI: APRIL 12, 1998
} TRADE OF THE CENTURY - CUBS BECOME SOX - SOX BECOME CUBS, RED, THAT IS
}
}      In a surprise move today, the ownership and management of the
} Chicago Cubs and of the the Boston Red Sox today announced a trade
} unprecedented in the history of Major Leauge Baseball.
}
}      In a deal involving absolutely no money, (as none was available)
} the two teams agreed to switch cities, leages, parks and names.  The
} trade apparently rises from a desire on the part of the Chicago
} ownership to escape the century long shadow of the White Sox, and a
} desire on the part of the Red Sox ownership to "get their daughters
} away from those Kennedy boys."
}
}      Acting commisioner Bud Selig voiced his assent this way, "I guess
} the owners can do whatever the hell they want.  After all, that is why
} we don't have a real comissioner anymore."
}
}      Local fans of both teams, though elusive, were noncomittal.
} Boston fan Peter Mulboon stated, "It's always just one more thing, aint
} it, well, aint it?"  In Chicago, James (Stanky) Stzcswyrsp said, "Ah,
} the guys who run the Cubs can go on over to Boston, no problem, just as
} long as we've still got Wrigley and Harry Carey."
}
} You owe the Oracle a national passtime worthy of the Babe, Buckner and
} Dent, and my childhood back.


1008-05    (29vAb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh nutrious Oracle;
>
> Please give me the pros and cons of the following diets for a human:
>
> Carnivore
> Omnivore
> Vegetarian
> Vegan
> Dessertarian
> Humanitarian

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh nutrious Oracle;
}
} I believe you meant "nutritious," but we'll let it pass.  This time.
}
} > Please give me the pros and cons of the following diets for a
} > human:
} >
} > Carnivore
}
} Eating carnies provides plenty of protein and fat in the diet.
} However, carnies are notorious for their tattoos, which may contain red
} dye #2 (a possibly carcinogenic substance), and for their lack of
} personal hygiene. If you must eat a carny, try to catch him just after
} his monthly bath. And try to avoid the ones with corn dogs; they're
} high in saturated fat.
}
} > Omnivore
}
} While tasty and rich in fiber, this particular diet choice is no longer
} practical, as Omni ceased publication about two years ago and its
} online magazine just went down the tubes last week.  However, strict
} Omnivores need not despair, as many libraries still have back copies
} extant.  You may want to keep an eye to the future by switching to
} Smithsonian or National Geographic while you still can.
}
} > Vegetarian
}
} I cannot in good conscience recommend the consumption of vegetables.
} It's hardly fair.  Coma victims and basket cases are also right out.
}
} > Vegan
}
} The worlds around Vega have provided the galaxy with some delicious and
} nutritious little quadrupeds, excellent for any diet.  However, until
} FTL travel becomes safe and inexpensive, strict Veganism will probably
} remain a local phenomenon.
}
} > Dessertarian
}
} "Life is short.  Eat dessert first" is the rallying cry of the
} Dessertarians, and one can hardly argue with them.  A steady diet of
} eclairs, chocolate ice cream, fudge, cookies, brownies and mousse is a
} beautiful thing.  Sure, you'll be unable to support your own body
} weight by 15 and slip into a diabetic coma at age 29 or so, but won't
} it be worth the risks?
}
} > Humanitarian
}
} Humanitarians are kind, benificent beings who do the world a favor by
} consuming those who would otherwise be a thorn in our side.  It is a
} little-known fact, for instance, that the world would be overrun with
} the spawn of telemarketers and lawyers were it not for the quiet work
} of the Humanitarians.  Bravo.
}
} You owe the Oracle the liver of Bill Gates, with some fava beans and a
} nice Chianti.


1008-06    (9frt9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who actually knows how Windows manages to put all that
> trash on people's hard disks, who was the one telling Gary Larson all
> his jokes, who understands how a cellular phone can send signals so far
> when my cordless phone gets terrible just across the room,
>
> How much trek could a star trek trek if a star trek could trek stars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lots of trek.  Oodles of trek.  Man, I'm talkin' about a whole s***load
} of trek.  Now listen to me carefully:  Lots of people pick their noses.
} (Stay with me.)  Maybe you do, but you don't get caught, and you
} never, ever talk about it.  You don't talk about how the dry ones are
} so much easier, or why for some reason, even though you are
} right-handed, you can only do with the index finger of your left hand.
} Why?  Because that person, that stranger, or that potential friend, or
} whoever, will forget everything else about you, and will only remember
} (and perhaps share with others) that you are a nose-picker, and that
} you wanted to talk about it.  Are you still with me? Okay.  Never, ever
} talk about Star Trek.  Never.  Whether you are a die-hard fan who can
} recite every episode and knows what "GNDN" stands for, or you just
} passed a TV Guide in the checkout lane and noticed a comparison between
} Janeway and Piccard and who is more of a "real man" and you thought it
} might make for interesting conversation, you must bury your emotions -
} er - keep it to yourself.  Otherwise you'll be one of those "Star Trek
} people," and people will assume that you only hang out with your Star
} Trek friends and talk about Star Trek things, like why the
} even-numbered movies were good and all the odd ones sucked.  As for
} women - let's just say you won't get beamed up no matter how many times
} you hit your communicator.  Engage?  I think not.  The shields stay up
} and no one de-cloaks.  Your culture doesn't get assimilated.  Set your
} phaser on "friends."  You get the point.  If you must get it out of
} your system, go to a convention out of town and *don't* get caught on
} CNN.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Borg.  I'll have fun with it for a while and then
} Zadoc can take care of it.


1008-07    (asAc3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, who know Al and sees Marty at the gas
> station, your kung-fu is best.
>
> I'm not aware of too many things, but I am told you are omniscient.
> A lot people mistake this for being omnipotent, which I don't think
> you are. (Although, heh-heh, I'm sure you're really, REALLY potent, oh
> wise one.)  So what, exactly, are your powers? Are you also prescient?
> postscient? sentient? What, exactly, are the boundaries of your power?
> I ask merely for information.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle IS:
}
} - Omniscient:  I know all, and will tell most, but only when asked
}                nicely.
} - Omnipotent:  There is no limits to my power, well none that I
}                would tell YOU.
} - Omnipresent: I am always just one e-mail away.
} - Omnivorous:  I eat meat, vegetables, assorted chemicals and
}                preservatives.
} - Omnidirectional:  My incarnations face all ways at all times.
}
} The Internet Oracle IS NOT:
}
} - Omnibenevolent:  Unlike other puissant beings, *I* have a Staff of
}                    Zot and I'm not afraid to use it.
} - An Omnibus: That's what the Oracularities are for.
} - Omni International:  The Oracle is NOT a Hotel Chain!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Omni Magazine.


1008-08    (59oro dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are standing on a path through well-kept grounds. To the north, the
> path leads up to a large brick building, which as a sign that says,
> "Computer Science Department: Indiana University." The path extends
> behind you to the south.
>
> % west
>
> You don't really want to walk over the lawn.
>
> % north
>
> You are in a large room which has the feel of a lobby. There are
> hallways to the west and east, and a stairway to the north.
>
> % north
>
> People are beginning to stare as you keep tripping over the first step.
> You are getting a nosebleed.
>
> % climb stairs
>
> At the top of the stairs is a door with a sign, "Offices of T.I.
> Oracle." Clinging to the front of the door is a Silver Fungus!
>
> % attack fungus
>
> Oh, my mistake. It was just a doorknob. Still, the door opens, so that
> wasn't too bad, right?
>
> You are in a vast room that looks vaguely like a temple. Extraordinary
> hangings of the finest materials depict scenes that you can't quite
> make out, on account of all of the vases, gold statuettes, sculptures,
> and massive chests overflowing with treasure that are in the way. The
> ceiling rises so far into the distance that all you can make out is the
> enormous chandelier, which is gold and has 3.2 million candles (you
> know this because of the sign hanging down underneath the chandelier
> which says, "This is a 3.2 million candlepower chandelier). It occurs
> to you that the room gives a very good idea of just how big infinity
> must be.
>
> Standing before you is a gorgeous woman wearing what appears to be
> about three Kleenexes and the dregs of a Saran Wrap roll.
>
> There is an enormous door to the south.
>
> % sak "will you kiss me"
>
> I don't think it would be a good idea to 'sak' at this time.
>
> % ask "will you kiss me"
>
> She gives you a disgusted look and sweeps past you and down the
> staircase.
>
> You feel very stupid.
>
> % damn
>
> I don't think it would be a good idea to 'damn' at this time.
>
> % south

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are back in the Lobby.  A flight of stairs leads to the outside.
}
} % go outside
} You are back outside.  A path leads away to the north, and crosses a
} small bridge to your south.  Ahead of you to the west is Dunn Woods.
}
} % south
} A small bridge leads away to the north.  A limestone building with
} large wooden doors is to the south.
}
} % south
} You are at the door to a large building.  A small red plaque with white
} printing and braille lettering is beside the door, just out of arm's
} reach from the path.
}
} %read plaque
} The plaque reads "Swain East".
}
} %open door
} The door opens unsteadily.  You are in an anteroom with several doors
} and an oddly-placed staircase.  The sound of collegiate mathematics
} course material being poorly presented in several foreign accents
} drifts in through the doors.
}
} A Snickers bar wrapper is here.
}
} %get wrapper
} You get and examine the discarded wrapper.  It is, indeed, everything
} it seems.
} A cute chemistry major, obviously late for the bus, nonetheless pauses
} on her way out of the building to give you an odd look.
}
} %down
} A cramped and aged corridor leads away to the south and north at the
} foot of the stairs.  You can see several doors, and smell the faint
} scent of urine from behind the one labelled "Men".
}
} %north
} There are several cryptically labelled doors here.  One doorway is
} open, with faded greenbar printouts showing "SE013" in bold character
} graphics.
}
} %go se013
} There are dozens of dusty adm5 terminals here.  In the northeast corner
} is a person of inteterminate gender, cackling over the sole tvi950
} terminal in the room.  It seems to be pointing at its screen.
}
} %read screen
} It's blurry and green from here.
}
} %ne
} There is a smelly geek and a tvi950 terminal here.  The smelly geek is
} cackling at the screen.
}
} % read screen
} It seems to be some indeterminately long and pointless text adventure
} game, like those played by math majors for the two months before they
} flunk out into a telecom degree.
}
} % slap geek
} You win!
}
} You owe the Oracle a less tedious reminiscence of his undergrad days,
} and the current mailing address of the chem major.


1008-09    (eBnd2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Parmesan Oracle,
> Your Culinary Wisdom
> Knows No Bounds.
> Please Answer My
> Humble Question:
> What Should I Put
> In My Sauce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What to put in your sauce depends greatly on what you're going to do
} with it once it's made.
}
} If you're trying to keep away vampires, use lots of garlic.  If you
} are a vampire, use a garlic substitute.
}
} If you are pouring it on Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish, don't
} bother. You only *thought* they were dead, and as soon as you dump
} that lovely cream sauce on them they will spring to life and do
} unspeakable things to you.  And your woodchuck.
}
} If you are having company, don't make sauce.  They don't like you.
} Make lasagna and spit in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Joy of Cooking".


1008-10    (7htt7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose bigness embiggens even the littlest of us,
> please tell me...
>
> I have a nice pen, unlike every other nice pen I have ever owned,
> this one was completely free.  It was not like I had to pay for it,
> or that some one gave it to me as a gift.  It just showed up on my
> desk one day.  The interesting thing about it, though, is it will
> not get lost.  I cannot lose it.  I dropped it in the parking lot,
> and two days later it was right there, next to my car.  I dropped it
> inside my car, and a day later, it rolled out from under the seat.
> I even loaned it to a postal carrier, who lost it; it still came back
> to me!  How can I get rid of this pen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my now-slightly-bigger but still puny supplicant, you've stumbled
} upon a Cursed -3 Pen of Returning.  You'll need to find a fountain (if
} it's a fountain pen) or a Blessed Hammer of Smashing To Bits otherwise.
} But don't be discouraged.  I've consulted with my divine copyright
} lawyers, and have determined that the following Oracular Song Parody
} is just the ticket to keep your spirits up.
}
} The Pen Came Back
}
} Woe-ridden supplicant, problems of his own.
} He found a classy pen that wouldn't leave him alone.
} He tried and he tried to give the pen away.
} He dropped it underneath his car and drove to Tampa Bay...
}
} But the pen came back the very next day.
} Yes, the pen came back.  They thought it was a goner,
} But the pen came back.  It just wouldn't stay away.
}
} He gave it to the postman, with a money order.
} He told the man to take the pen and mail it 'cross the border.
} The postman died, and may God rest his soul,
} The coroner said "Cause of death: a little pen-sized hole."
}
} But the pen came back...
}
} The man around the corner said he'd melt the pen on sight.
} He reprogrammed his microwave, it took him half the night.
} He waited... and he waited... 'till the pen came rolling round
} And charred and melted pieces of the man was all they found...
}
} But the pen came back...
}
} [Oracular Disclaimer: The following verse is unmodified.]
}
} The H-bomb fell the very next day.
} The A-bomb fell in the very same way.
} Russia went!  England went!  And then the USA.
} The entire human race was left without a chance to pray...
}
} But the pen came back...


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