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Internet Oracularities #1009

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Internet Oracularities #1009    (87 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:22:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1009
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1009  87 votes 8urd9 7ojmf 9kuo4 ejnn8 6altl 7gomi 5myl5 calvd lsnd2 8fiug
1009  3.1 mean  2.8   3.2   2.9   2.9   3.6   3.3   3.0   3.3   2.4   3.4


1009-01    (8urd9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, wiser than Al Franken, funnier than John Belushi,
> more co-ordinated than Chevy Chase, more with-it than Jane Curtin,
> please answer my question:
>
> I understand that TV signalas are capaable of being picked up beyond
> our atmosphere, and maybe even seen and decoded out in space.
>
> Does that mean, somewhere, on a planet twenty light-years from here,
> that Saturday Night Live is still funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the present SNL cast creates a level of humorlessness so
} incredible that it turns our planet into something of a comedic black
} hole. All good comedy attempting to leave is drawn into the center and
} destroyed by repeats of the Cheerleading Sketch.
}
} You owe the Oracle Lorne's head on a pike.


1009-02    (7ojmf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is older than Mister Looper, bigger than Big Bird, and
> more visible than Snuffie, for whom I am barely a felt pimple on
> Grover's nose. Please tell me...why do I keep dreaming of pinball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm kinda sorry you asked this, because it's been a riot to watch.
}
} Ever since your physician suggested you elevate the head of your bed
} due to your pulmonary problem... well, after you go to sleep your cats
} have been playing "Tommy" by the Who very softly. One of them grabs
} ahold of your feet (you really should invest in a longer bed)... then
} they drop mouse heads on your face.
}
} You, [Oracle begins to chuckle] you slap at the mouse, kinda like this,
} but don't awake. Then [Oracle breaks into a laugh], then the cats
} start tweaking your feet, It is SO funny, and you start flopping
} around.  [Oracle is openly guffawing now], and, and, they have this
} complicated scoring system based on how long it takes the mouse head to
} get to the foot of the bed, [Oracle begins howling] plus bonus points
} for what parts of your body the mouse head hits, with a BONus 100
} points if the HEAD hits your little [Oracle is crying with laughter]. .
} I can't, can't go on! Whew! Gotta catch my breath here...
} Whew. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle the capacity for compassion.


1009-03    (9kuo4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie, Dear Orrie, my hands are too small
> I need all my fingers to Ctrl-Del-And-Alt
> My front slash is backward, my at-sign's a deuce
> How can I send email?  I'm really confused
> Siiii-iigned.... New User.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rhyme police.  Pull your mail agent to the side of the internet!
}
} > Ummmm, yes?
}
} We hear that you've been attempting humorous submissions to the
} Internet Oracle, in rhyme.
}
} > Well, I did submit something recently, but I'm not sure what the
} > problem is.
}
} In this email, you attempted to two rhymes, but both were disasters.
}
} > Ummm, well, uh, it's not really... you see...
}
} Don't try and lie, we've got you caught on e-mail.
}
} > Well, I was just trying to be funny.
}
} Sure, sir, sure you were.
}
} > After all, so many good digested answers are in rhyme.
}
} Yes.  Did you notice something else about them.  They all rhyme
} well.  The supplicants and incarnations in question all carefully
} matched line tempo with the original work they were parodying, and
} made certain that each line rhymed.  And do know why?
}
} > Ummm, no...
}
} Because every time a rhyme fails, a woodchuck gets his wings.
}
} > Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't reali...Eh?  A woodchuck?
}
} You really are probably better not knowing.  I'm sorry, but I'm
} going to have to write you a ticket.
}
} > Couldn't you just let me off with a warning?
}
} Sorry.  At least you don't get a zotting this time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme starting with, "Because I could not
} grovel to Orrie, he kindly zotted me..."


1009-04    (ejnn8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to download a file using ftp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, FTP.  FTP is one of the trickier protocols, what with that
} two way connection going on.  You see, you establish a connection
} to the remote site, the "control connection" to request the file
} from.  Unfortunately, the file can't come back down that same
} connection, after all, what if you wanted to request more files, abort
} the download, or order a pizza from that same connection?  So the other
} site will open a data connection back to you for sending files down.
} Clearly, this means that you need two phone lines.
}
} On the first phone line, call up the site you are interested in.
} If you don't know the phone number, just use the IP address.  Because
} the phone companies run the internet, an IP address is just as good.
} When you connect, ask for the file you would like.  Sadly, with the
} dawn of the web, many sites support for FTP has been lacking.  If the
} person you speak with tries to explain that this isn't how it's done,
} then they're just one of the confused "new-age" sysadmins who only
} know the web.  Just keep insisting until they agree.
}
} Now the other site will call on the other phone line.  It will be
} your file calling.
}
} You owe the Oracle an equally accurate explaination of how to see a
} web page using http.


1009-05    (6altl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo, O!  what it is, homeboy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, friend!  I'm glad you asked!  What it is is:  Freebonics!
}
} Freebonics is a new language designed by The Internet Oracle to assist
} people like you who have recently started using the Information
} Superhighway through the use of a free e-mail service.  By conversing
} with you over this wonderful electronic medium in Freebonics rather
} than techno-speak, we hope to help you quickly get your bearings in
} cyberspace!  Below is a basic glossary -- any time you feel confused,
} just replace the Freebonics phrase with the old-fashioned English
} phrase.  Enjoy your free e-mail account, and surf, surf, surf!
}
}  **NEW** Freebonics terminology                English terminology
} --------------------------------
} Hello...................................What the hell do you want now?
} friend..................................clueless freaking newbie
} I'm glad you asked......................I'm going to spear us both in
}                                             the heart if you don't quit
}                                             bothering me every 5
}                                             seconds
} assist..................................get rid of
} people like you.........................clueless freaking newbies
} using...................................screwing up all over
} Information Superhighway................Internet
} free e-mail.............................e-mail abomination
} service.................................plague
} conversing with.........................insulting
} wonderful electronic medium.............INTERNET, stupid
} techno-speak............................plain English that any normal
}                                             8-year-old could master
} quickly.................................as quickly as a dolt like you
}                                             could be expected to move
} get your bearings.......................learn your pathetic place
} cyberspace..............................INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET!
}                                             Don't you ever learn?
} basic...................................simplified for your IQ level
}                                             to the point of utter
}                                             uselessness
} feel confused...........................exist
} Enjoy...................................I hope you choke on
} account.................................infestation
} surf....................................die
}
} You owe the Oracle somewhere else for you to surf, friend.


1009-06    (7gomi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most computationally-inclined, who's harem of is guarded
> by a thousand UNIX, enlighten this lowly supplicant...
>
> If two packets on an Ethernet network collide, and nobody's around
> to hear it, is there a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Network packets travel close to the speed of limit
}
}       The approximate velocity of an electrical signal in twisted pair
}       wire is 0.9 * c.  'c' is the speed of light in a vacuum, or
}       in this case, an electrical signal through a theoretical
}       medium with zero impedance.
}
}         This means that network packets travel at approximately 90% of
}       the theoretical maximum speed, or 90% of the speed of light.
}                                       - see A.S. Tanenbaum.
}                                             Computer Networks, 3rd Ed.
}
} 2. A network packet is to the Internet as a horse is to ________
}       A> Bill Clinton
}       B> The Usenet Oracle
}       C> dung
}       D> the Pony Express
}    The answer is D>, the Pony Express.
}                                               - SAT test 1997:F1
}                                                 (English Section 2
}                                                  question #29)
}
} 3. A horse can run at about 35 mph.
}
}       The theoretical maximum velocity of any object also the speed
}       of light, or 'c'.  Therefore, the theoretical maximum velocity
}       of a horse in a vacuum, assuming the horse is wearing a space
}       suit, is also the speed of light.
}
}
} 4. The sound made by two (2) colliding network packets going at 90% of
}       their theoretical maximum speed would be the same as two horses
}       on the Pony Express going at 90% at their theoretical limit
}       by the law of transitive properties.
}
} 5. If two horses ran into each other at high speed would have to
}       injured badly, and would have to be destroyed.  The jockeys
}       wouldn't be particularly happy either.
}                               - Pennsylvania Statutes
}                                 Title 3. Agriculture
}                                 Chapter 7. Domestic Animals
}                                 esp. Section 325. Authority to Destroy
}
} 7. Horse destruction is only a valid deductible business expense if
}    you reported a profit in your businees the previous tax year.
}                               - IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 1040 Schedule C
}                                 IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 8582
}
} 8. The Pony Express has been out of business since October 1861.
}                       - Pony Express Quick Facts
}                         <http://www.ponyexpress.org/quick_facts.htm>
}
} Therefore, irregardless of the whether the sound of the colliding
} network packets is actually created or not, there is still a $250
} discrepancy between your 1997 Tax Year withholdings and your actual
} financial obligation.  You must now pay an under-reported income
} penalty of US $69,230,403.48 to the IRS.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle the latest IRS Tax Auditor Training Guide.


1009-07    (5myl5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Julsy <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most metaphysical, who are the hip, up-and-coming, young
> deities thi month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #5 Ambigo;
}       God of whatever
}       Family: Son of Iguessso and Noduh
}       Symbol: Shoulder Shrug of Apathy
}       Haunts: High Schools and Malls
}       Strengths: Can not be bothered
}       Weakness: No ambition, speaks in grunts
}       Outlook: Very Popular with under 20s
}       Last Month: 5
}       Months on Chart: 48
}
} #4 Internina;
}       office nymph
}       Family: Daughter of Sluteena, Father(s) (?)
}       Symbol: Big hair on field of uncrossed knee-pads
}       Haunts: floors of the corridors of power
}       Strengths: can suck a tennis ball thru a hose
}       Weakness: Kiss and tells
}       Outlook: Very Popular with over 50 males
}       Last month: BULLET!
}       Months on Chart: n/a
}
} #3 Dr. Zeus;
}       Muse of lame drivel
}       Family: found under a plate of green ham
}       Symbol: large feline in striped hat
}       Haunts: Day Care Centers
}       Strengths: Sells well
}       Weakness: followers speak in almost rhyming monosyllables
}       Outlook: Very Popular with under 4 set and their parents
}       Last month: 3
}       Months on chart: 244
}
} #2 Fund deMutal;
}       spirit of short term capital gains
}       Family: Born to two bulls(!?!)
}       Symbol: jagged upward arrow
}       Haunts: Hearts of Baby Boomers
}       Strengths: attracts cash
}       Weakness: May not be able to get up if falls
}       Outlook: Will be loved as long as he can keep it up
}       Last month: 1
}       Months on chart: 17
}
} #1 Lottero;
}       Random Number Pixie
}       Family: allegedly generated by a bin of bouncing balls
}       Symbol: constantly changing
}       Haunts: bars, Las Vegas, check cashing operations
}       Strengths: hard to pick
}       Weakness: followers either love or hate him
}       Outlook: May soon be over shadowed its siblings Offtracko
}                and Loansharkaria who have recently mated and
}                produced their own, as of yet, unnamed spawn
}       Last month: 2
}       Months on chart: 21
}
} You owe the Oracle the Good Ol' Days.


1009-08    (calvd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Great and Wise,
>
> How did the Spice Girls ever get popular?  Were you responsible for it
> somehow?  Why would you inflict such monstrosities on us?  Have we
> displeased you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And God looked down upon the Earth, and was displeased.
} For the Music was foolish and sophmoric.
} And The Lord said "Let there be Good Music."
} And there was Good Music, for a time.
}
} But then the Shadow came, and its name was Met'al.
} And it devoured all that stood before it, with its brother
} Di'sco. And they laughed at the foolish pop stars.
} The Punk fought them, but was defeated in the end.
}
} The Shadow remained until the days of Em'Tee'Vee. And
} Em'Tee'Vee was ruled in those days by a group
} Known as the Br'its and Me'tal'heads.
} And the Me'tal'heads were the sons of Met'al
}
} The Di'sco was defeated, but his brother Met'al
} Remained upon the Earth, laughing hartily
} At Em'Tee'Vee. And Met'al made a monster
} Known as Poisen, that sucks unto this very day.
}
} Then the Punk returned, under a new name,
} And that name was Al'tern'ive. And Al'tern'ive
} Was a Shadow, as well, and dominated music
} For well unto six years.
}
} And Al'tern'ive was cousin to a creature known
} As Ra'. And Ra' begat Gan'ta, who was as
} False as Met'al. And the Br'its fell from
} Power, and Al'tern'ive and the Ra' laughed.
}
} But the Br'its summoned a clan of monsters,
} Known as Sp'ice. And the Br'its sent them
} Unto the Al'tern'ive and said Death shall be
} Their summoning. And the Al'tern'ive died.
}
} But the Sp'ice were wraithful, and destroyed
} Much of Music, and Hanson followed them,
} And they created Havoc among the Children.
} And there was no hope now of defeating them.
}
} And the Lord looked down, and was displeased.
} And the Lord said unto the Children of Music:
} "Was I not the one who brought you out of the
} House of El'vis? Was I not the Lord that destroyed
}
} The Da've Cla'rk Fi've? And why hath ye done this?"
} And the Lord sulked, and the Oracle could do nothing.
}           -The Second Book of Music, 32:12


1009-09    (lsnd2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose garden has no crow or gopher problem;
>
> Where did we take a wrong turn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a mile before the spot where the old schoolhouse used to be,
} stranger.


1009-10    (8fiug dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, you are dextrous, ambidextrous and sinister beyond
> the handiwork of mortals!
>
> If Al Gore were to become the next US President what would be his
> administration's Top Ten Achievements? Top Ten Blunders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's two questions.  But, sigh, here goes.
}
} Top 10 achievements of the Bore, I mean, Gore administration:
}
} 1 - Finally ends threat of Saddam Hussein by putting him to sleep with
} 48 minute speech, then blasting him.
}
} 2 - Being the "First Internet President," he gets so fed up with spam
} he orders the NSA to track down spammers so the CIA can "silence" them.
}
} 3 - First administration in eight years not to have a sex scandal.
} (Well, if you don't count his oldest daughter's future fling with Amy
} Carter.)
}
} 4 - Takes so many kickbacks from Buddhist priests he feels obligated to
} liberate Tibet from China through economic sanctions. "We want our
} Kentucky Fried Chicken," yell millions of demonstrators at Tienemen
} Square. China relents.
}
} 5 - Surrounds Cuba with aircraft carriers following the death of Fidel
} Castro -- Cuba Libre not just a "Rum and Coke" anymore.
}
} 6 - Finds and deports everyone who has ever appeared on the Jerry
} Springer Show. America's average IQ doubles.
}
} 7 - Offers statehood to all Canadian provences (except Quebec) after
} Quebec seceeds. Stunned when Canadians say, "Why in hell would we want
} to join, eh?"
}
} 8 - Doesn't freak out when Florida Keys seceed (again) from the union.
}
} 9 - Signs popular vote into law. No more idiotic electoral college.
}
} 10 - Signs agreement with all nuclear nations reducing total stockpile
} of warheads to 20. "That oughta be enough to vaporize the next big
} comet," Gore says.
}
} And the 10 top blunders:
}
} 1 - Putting Tipper in charge of the National Endowment for the Arts.
}
} 2 - Calling Tiger Woods "Homey" during White House reception.
}
} 3 - Telling King Charles that Camilla looks like the winner of the
} Kentucky Derby.
}
} 4 - Putting Bill Gates in charge of new Internet Infrastructure
} Administration. (The IIA will be more important in the 21st century
} than FEMA, the IRS, NASA and the FBI. That is, after Bill is shot by a
} rabid Linux user.)
}
} 5 - Three words: Pardoning Bill Clinton.
}
} 6 - Never talks to Hillary Clinton again after the Clinton divorce and
} Hillary's bombshell that she is moving in with Ellen Degeneres and Annie
} Hecht.
}
} 7 - Takes so much money from Buddhist priests he begins wearing orange
} robes during "State of Union" address.
}
} 8 - State of Union address lowest rated telecast ever. Exactly 11 people
} watch. Congress falls asleep. Strom Thurmond chokes himself on own
} necktie. (Although that should probably be listed under "achievements.")
}
} 9 - Re-introduces Susan B. Anthony dollar. Public STILL doesn't like it.
}
} 10 - Tries metric system but fails when he realizes his neighbors in
} Tennessee can't handle the concept of "liters" only "fifths."
}
} Of course, the only reason he wins is the Republicans nominate Dan
} Quayle, and Americans are too stupid to vote Libertarian.
}
} You owe the Oracle a third party with a snowball's chance in Key West of
} winning a major election.


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