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Internet Oracularities #101

Goto:
101, 101-01, 101-02, 101-03, 101-04, 101-05, 101-06, 101-07, 101-08, 101-09, 101-10


Usenet Oracularities #101    (29 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Jan 90 05:02:47 GMT

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ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

101   29 votes 4b572 175a6 16e53 4a843 47a62 182h1 4c562 35669 04889 427a6
101   3.1 mean  2.7   3.4   3.1   2.7   2.8   3.3   2.7   3.4   3.8   3.4


101-01    (4b572 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my roommate an asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the roommate?
}   an asshole?
}     not likley!
}   for how?
} could the roommate?
}   be an asshole?
}     and still?
}   play very loudly?
} very very very loudly?
}   medieval tunes!
}     from norway!
}   norwegian folk songs!
} every night!
}   norwegian folk nights!
}     like in norway!
}   midnights!
} after midnights!
}   early mornings!
}     norwegian folk dawn songs!
}   very early!
} does it mean?
}   that perhaps?
}     he would not let you sleep?


101-02    (175a6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH!  I've just
> spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED
> across the median onto the opposing lanes!  CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING
> AT ME AT 80 MPH!
>                    HELP!  QUICK!!  WHAT SHOULD I DO????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of the Oracle, please hold the line ...
}
} .....
} ...
}
} Hello, sorry to keep you waiting.
} Hello?
} Who's calling please?
} Hello?
}
} ....
}
} I hate these *%@!@##$%^% prank calls.
}
} <click>


101-03    (16e53 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why is it that 3.5" diskettes come in little disk condoms?  Is this
> to promote safe hex?  Doesn't the Moron Majority have any say in this?
> The whole process of inserting a disk in a disk drive is downright
> Freudian.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know how computer weenies (like us) try to ignore sexual drives in
} favor of being good hackers?  That sex stuff can't be kept down for too
} long!  If it doesn't come up in the usual way, it'll come spurting out
} some other direction.  I guess the same goes for disk designers.


101-04    (4a843 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a borogove?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person who asks the oracle what they are.


101-05    (47a62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I collect gum wrappers.  I fold them into a long chain.  My long chain
> is very long.  I am very good at folding gum wrappers.  Would you like
> some gum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  I think you should be aware of the legality factor in such things
} though.  Sure, you won't have the Post Office beating down your door.
} They only care about chain mail.  You won't have the Police in your butt
} with a microscope, they only care about chain murders and drug chains.
}
} However, I think that the FD&C Red Number 5, Bubble gum task force would
} be quite preturbed with a chain of wrappers.
}
} ps.  You don't chain smoke do you?


101-06    (182h1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My linguistic faculties have been on the Fritz all day.
> M   h   t
>  y   a   o
>       s   o      No matter what Hans did, his every other thought co
>    o   n                                                           n
>     r   '   h         ihtyna swonk ydoboN .sgnikcots ten-hsif denrec
>      i   t   o         n
>       e       t         g         it appears to be.  But in what sen
>        n   b                                                       s
>         t   e   e         I     t             w eht esu tsuj I did e
>          a   e   i       '     a               o
>           t   n   t     v     h                 r     se?  Do I make
>            i       h     e   w ylno si esn       d   n     myself
>             o       e                     e         e      clear?
>              n       r.    seen.  Y'know s         s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don
}            't
}              b
} e
}       sill
}                  y                the
}      re is
}                       noth
}   ing               wrong         wi
}             th                     yo
} ur     l       i
} n                                     g
}        u
}             is
} tic
}                 s                     .


101-07    (4c562 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's a bee on my Twinkie -- somehow that only amuses the wrong half
> of my brain.  But it's okay, I'm on they're happy so therapy.  But I
> need to know, does this situation require any power tools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You fool, how did you let that craven insect amuse you at all?  You
} should know better, someone with your pschological history should have
} never been allowed twinkies sweets!  I think it is time that you go get
} a little bit of jolts on the brain!  You are really a pathetic fool, I
} think I will turn you into a warty toad!  Nah, an amoeba would be much
} more fun, then I could stick you in a microscope with a 200 watt bulb
} and watch you cook slowly, your cell structure start to break down,
} until----
}
} Oracle, this is God again.  Didn't I tell you not to threaten people who
} ask you of advice?  You know what happens when you stat this up.  I make
} you program in COBOL for eons.  Do you want that?
}
} --No, no Lord, I'll be good <grovel, grovel, lots of shinola>.
}
} Now, what was it, oh yes, No power tools necessary.  Just an axe and two
} quarts of cream cheese.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new can of shinola


101-08    (35669 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened when did me first know that do you say help you that I
> came to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle owe you big time for dictionary new parse to sentence that.
}
} You thank.  Object before sentence of rest.


101-09    (04889 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many days do I have to wait for a reply to my love letter that I
> sent to you 3 months ago.  Now you know I love you greatly, but if you
> don't reply within 30 days, I will have to marry someone who seems to be
> better than you and who claims that he loves me very much.
>
>                                          Love,
>                                             Granny

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle
} Right Hand of God
} Heaven, IN  00001
}
} January 15th, 1990
}
} Dear Mrs. Granny:
}
} We are sorry for the misplacement of your previous letter and we hope
} that future occurances will not come about.  Please remember that at
} the time your balance with the Oracle was past due.  I understand that
} this was also a misunderstanding on our part and that you in fact had
} a credit balance with us.
}
} Please bear with these difficulties as the Oracle is in a state of
} transition.
}
} Upon your referral the letter was called up from limbo and was again
} examined.  With careful consideration the late answer is this:
}
} } I don't love you Granny, but I do like the cookies you sent me for
} } Christmas.  You are very appreciated but you would be happier with
} } the other person.
} }
} } You owe the oracle another batch of cookies.
}
} We can offer no greater apology for the lateness of this reply.  We
} can offer many excuses, however:
}
}  # The message was declassified and handled by another user.  This
}    user was removed from the network forcibly before he could answer
}    the message.  Mr. Morris will probably reply after his trial.
}
}  # A network link was down and your message was forwarded to limbo
}    before being processed.
}
}  # The Oracle called in sick that day and the secretary lost it.
}
}  # The Oracle was temporarily misdirected by a really good posting on
}    rec.humor.funny.  This occurance happens with some frequency, but
}    no one really minds.
}
}  # We have no idea why we lost your message.
}
} Please accept this late reply as it is all we will offer.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Usenet Oracle
}
} PS, You owe the oracle yet another batch of cookies.  They're great!


101-10    (427a6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If computers had philosophers, what would they preach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Computer philosphers would most likely talk
} Of networks, devices, troff and awk,
} Of clustered processors and Ethernet lines,
} And math co-processors capable of splines.
}
} In the case of a query to which they knew not
} The answer, they would pause for some thought
} And come to the Usenet Oracle, you see,
} For there exists no greater source of knowledge
} Than me.
}
} For I am the Oracle, and I'm okay,
} I answer your dumb questions both
} Night and day
} I tend to eat CPU time
} For no reason at all
} Just to tick off our operators
} And send them up the wall.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ox.


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