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Internet Oracularities #1010

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Internet Oracularities #1010    (81 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1010
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1010  81 votes cimja 9fnmc lnjf3 6iEe3 9fwfa imgj6 crjg7 4hso8 8vjda 7ixh6
1010  2.9 mean  3.0   3.2   2.5   2.9   3.0   2.7   2.7   3.2   2.8   3.0


1010-01    (cimja dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style
> chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin.
> Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave
> wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.
>
> MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!
>
> Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way.
> Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk
> spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves,
> berries. Urk flee from wolves.
>
> Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs.
> Urk tell how.
>
> WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own
> cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message
> on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk
> ask shaman, gods say okay.
>
> HERE LIST:
>
>    1) Urk
>       First cave
>       Olduvai Gorge
>
>  few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
>       old dead tree
>       by laked shaped like mammoth
>
>  few) Og
>       big rock with overhang
>       near pig game trail
>
> Many) Zog
>       river caves
>       where river meet big water
>
> Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.
>
> (c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: ZADOC ! Catch Og before he leaves the building. Tell him I need
} him and I mean NOW.
}
} Z: Yes, O He whose whimsy exceeds that of Rush Limbaugh. (exeunt Zadoc)
}
} Orrie: All right, let's see... where did I put - (knock, knock) Come in.
}
} Og: Or-a-kul want see Og?
}
} Orrie: Here, old friend. Read this.
} Time passes as Og struggles with the document.
}
} Og: Og no see grovel.
}
} Orrie: Very good, Og. Now, how should I respond to his question?
} More time passes. Og's brow furrows; his lips move. Finally...
}
} Og: Or-a-kul try trick Og. Og no see question.
}
} Orrie: Exactly, my Neanderthal nabob! Now what I want you to do is take
} this very special spiky club...no! watch where you point ...okay,
} that's better. Now go to the first cave listed, use the very special
} spiky club and then return to Or-a-kul. Understand?
}
} Og: Og understand. (exeunt Og)
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10K word essay on the disadvantages of
} cross-posting stuff from humor.net/chainletters.puke to the Internet
} Oracle.


1010-02    (9fnmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So great Oracle, how do you feel now that Micro$oft has made this
> recent deal with Delphi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel like re-installing the computer industry and trying again.


1010-03    (lnjf3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How should I use BPCS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       As an acronym for Big Cream Pie Splatter.
}
}  You owe the Oracle some Brussels sprouts.


1010-04    (6iEe3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, before whom Joe from Juno doesn't suck, I ask you to
> forgive me for sending mail from a freebie account. Oracle most high,
> I come before you as a humble supplicant with the following query:
>
>      I had this wacky dream about the movie Titanic. When I
>      awoke, I jotted some notes on a piece of paper and
>      quickly fell back asleep. The next morning (today) the
>      only thing I could read was the following question:
>
> Which cost more, the making of the movie "Titanic" or the making
> of the ship "Titanic?"
>
>      If you have time, a brief cost comparison would be appreciated.
>
> humbly awaiting your reply

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's have a look:
}
}                       Titanic, the Ship       |   Titanic, the Movie
}                                               |
} Total cost in $:      $7.3 Million            |   $200 Million
} Total cost in lives:  1500                    |   0
} Total cost in anguish,                        |
}   sorrow, fear and                            |
}   other indirect                              |
}   effects:            1.6 MTears              |   2.1 MTears
}
} At the current exchange rate for lives, this is getting very close.  In
} fact, it might be the tears that decide it... Interesting.  When all is
} taken into account, both cost *exactly* the same.  But the ship doesn't
} have much of a chance of paying off anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new handkerchief.


1010-05    (9fwfa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so great,
> whose roast is always medium rare,
> who never gets salmonella,
> whose cakes are always light and fluffy,
>
> What's your favourite food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, you've hit a vegan incarnation here. Not getting salmonella
} is a given, though getting the cakes light and fluffy without eggs
} takes a bit of effort, and potato starch.
}
} > Oh no! now I'm going to get lots of moralizing and comments about tofu
}
} Yeah, Tofu, 250g in a blender with 30g of melted chocolate. Blend till
} smooth and then leave to set in the fridge overnight.
}
} > Bleargh! Sounds awful. Being vegan may be healthy and all that, but
} > give me my meat!
}
} Come on Supplicant, who needs meat when we have Yves veggie dogs. In a
} lightly steamed bun with vegan margarine, tomato sauce and sliced
} pickle.  Yum.
}
} > Pervert! If God didn't intend us to eat meat, why did he give us
} > steak knives? What about cheese then? Ha ha, bet you can't do cheese
} > then?
}
} Well, I admit cheese is a bit of a problem, but macaroni in creamy
} garlic sauce, topped with crispy grilled noodles. My mouth is
} watering already.
}
} > Boy, with all that garlic, bet you don't have to ZOT anyone, just
} > breathe on them.
}
} Heh heh. But it tastes sooo good. That's your lot supplicant. And, eat
} up, there are people starving in Blackpool.
}
} You owe The Oracle five gallons of hummus and one gross baking potatoes.
}
} > Typical! At least he didn't mention lentils.
}
} Lentils!!!! Lentil Curry at Chutney's restaurant! Slaver!
}
} > I'm resubmitting. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get Og this time. I've got
} > a whole side of mammoth in the fridge.


1010-06    (imgj6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Or-a-kul
> Og here. Og hit Og head club,
> Og hurt. Gro-vel good.
>
> Og lis-ten hai-ku
> Og like. Want make Og hai-ku!
> Og count syll-a-bull
>
> Count many first line
> Second line many also
> Third line, count many
>
> Or-a-kul, head hurt,
> Many syll-a-bull, tell Og
> How Og make hai-ku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O-ra-kul here. O-ra-kul help Og. Much ea-sy Og make hai-ku.
}
} O-ra-kul say write first line. Og count one syll-a-bull one fin-ger
} left hand.  O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple.
}
}         Ogwa my Ogwa
}
} Now, Og do hard bit. Og write sec-ond line. Og write one syll-a-bull
} per hole in Og head. Og head many hole, two ear, two eye, two in nose,
} one mouth. O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple.
}
}         Og love Ogwa ve-ry much.
}
} Last, Og write many line. Og write one syll-a-bul one fin-ger Og
} right hand.  O-ra-kul give ex-amp-le.
}
}         Og not mind bad smell
}
} Og do like this, Og make many good hai-ku. O-ra-kul say Og have guest.
}
} Thag here. Thag come get club lend Og.
}
} Og not bor-row club Thag. Og club all Og club.
}
} Thag see Thag club. Thag want club now.
}
} Og club. Og make self, not bor-row Thag.
}
} CLUB THAG CLUB. THAG SAY CLUB FIT THAG HAND WELL. THAG ANGRY!!!!!!!
} THAG PROVE CLUB THAG CLUB!!!
}
} <THWACK!! BOMP!!! DUN DUN THOK!! CRAGGANG!>
}
} Og sore. Og write hai-ku help re-lax.
}
}     Big liz-ard walk by
}     Og think big liz-ard much dan-ger Og on-ly hit small an-i-mal like
}     Sa-ber-tooth ti-ger
}
} Og write good hai-ku? O-ra-kul like?
}
} (sigh)
}
} Og owe O-ra-kul keep hand a-way small liz-ard. Og put hand near small
} liz-ard, hai-ku get much worse.


1010-07    (crjg7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, who has no need for kevlar clothing, and can leap
> over paradoxes in a single bound;
>
> Why aren't cars textured? Don't minute ridges and bumps -increase-
> aerodynamics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If this were true, then Edward James Olmos would be the fastest man on
} earth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stridex pad.


1010-08    (4hso8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most educated, could you honor your lowly supplicant with an
> answer to this question which most plagues me? A ball is thrown with a
> speed of v and an angle of a at a height of h meters. Let g denote
> gravity and express your answer (if you wouldn't mind, oh great and
> wise Oracle) in terms of v, h, a and g. What is the displacement vector
> (in directions i and j, of course) when the ball is at the highest
> point of its trajectory? The gradass is coming to get my paper in about
> ten minutes so I'd be most indebted for a quick reply!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Math and physics isn't all it's cracked up to be. The Oracle prefers
} philosophy, so here is The philosophical analysis of your problem:
}
} What have we got to work with: The letters v, h, a and g.
} An important tool in problems of this nature is substitution, so we
} substitute W for V, and so we have W, H, A, and G.
}
} We can now formulate the problem:
}
} W - Why are you throwing the ball?
}
} H - How hard did you throw the ball?
}
} A - Are you sure it's a good idea to be throwing balls here?
}
} G - Good grief! Look where you're throwing that ball!
}
} As for the result of this action, expressed in I and J:
} (Expressed by the neighbour, N)
}
} I - Idiot! Look what you did to my window!
}
} J - Just you wait! I'll tell your parents about this.
}
} So, the correct answer to the question is
} "I shouldn't be throwing balls at all, lest I risk displacing the
} ball into my neighbours living room"
}
} You owe the Oracle to take a philosophyisics class, so you can answer
} these questions yourself in the future. The Oracle does not want to do
} your homework.


1010-09    (8vjda dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Immortal Oracle, please hear and reply to my simple question.
>
>   What attributes did Rasputin have that made him so darn
>   death resistant? I would like to be as hard-to-harm myself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was all magic.  Want to know how it was done?  Well, I think there's
} a TV show on about it.  Let's take a look.
}
} *click!*
}
} NOW!!  FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "THE WORLD'S MOST GRUESOME
} RECORDED DEATHS IN HISTORY," "THE GREATEST EXPLOSIONS EVER CAUGHT ON
} TAPE," AND "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK XVII: DEADLY ENCOUNTERS WITH LLAMAS,"
} COMES "WORLD'S GREATEST MAGIC TRICKS AND HOW THEY ARE DONE IX:
} RASPUTIN"
}
} Rasputin...A man who defied death many times.  His magical powers saved
} the Tsar-to-be's life several times.  He survived poisoning and getting
} shot.  How did he do it?  Let's take a behind-the-facts look at:
}
} "RASPUTIN DEBUNKED"!!  FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "PLANE CRASHES:
} THE MOST FUN TO WATCH DISASTERS" AND "WHEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET GOES
} BAD: A LOOK AT THE VARIOUS RECORDED INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE TRIPPING AND
} FALLING ONTO 8-INCH SPIKES STUCK INTO THE GROUND"!!!!
}
} How did Rasputin save Tsar Nicholas II's son from certain death,
} several times?  Find out after these messages.
}
} NEXT TUESDAY, AT 8:00 pm, GET READY FOR "THE GREATEST RECORDED
} INCIDENTS OF ATTACKING ANIMALS EXPLODING VIOLENTLY IN PLANE
} CRASHES!!!!"  WATCH IT!!!  IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!
}
} We're back with "Rasputin Debunked," here on Fox, who brings you great
} quality shows such as "THE WORST INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THE FOX
} NETWORK EXPLODING INTO A MILLION BILLOIN TRILLION PIECES!!!" and
} "EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS!!  HOW TO SURVIVE THEM!!!!"
}
} Rasputin was no more than a power-hungry womanizer.  He
}
} *BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!*
}
} "WHEN TV SHOWS GO WRONG"!!!  AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT VARIOUS TV SHOW SETS
} THAT HAVE EXPLODED DURING THE RECORDING OF THE SHOW!!!!  AND STAY TUNED
} FOR "THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST EXPLODING..."
}
} *click*
}
} I think we've heard enough from the old TV, don't you?  Man, those
} shows are stupid, don't you think?  They serve no purpose whatso . . .
} OH MY GOD!!  LOOK OUT FOR THAT GIANT LLAMA BEHIND YOU!!!!!


1010-10    (7ixh6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle,
>
> Why does Hollywood have a huge sign above it stating its name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Blackout.  Focus fade to FAMOUS ACTOR, played by Tom Cruise or,
} if he's available, Brad Pitt, lying on the floor.  His clothes are
} dissheveled, his hair is mussed and his eyes are bloodshot.  In short,
} he looks very hung over.)
}
} (FAMOUS ACTOR rolls face up, sits up and runs his hands over his face.)
}
} FAMOUS ACTOR: Ugh.  Where am I?
}
} (The camera pans around the room.  It is an utterly generic motel
} room with no distinguishing characteristics.  There are a couple of
} empty vodka bottles on the floor.  The camera rests for a moment on
} the window.  The curtains on the window are closed.  Cut to-)
}
} (Full screen shot of FAMOUS ACTOR.  He stands, stumbles over to the
} window and pulls open the curtains.  Cut to-)
}
} (Wide shot of the famous HOLLYWOOD sign.  Pause for a few moments,
} then cut to-)
}
} (Tight shot of FAMOUS ACTOR's face.)
}
} FAMOUS ACTOR: Oh.  (Beat)  Now how did I get here?
}
} You owe the Oracle the script to Oracle: The Motion Picture.


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