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Internet Oracularities #1011

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1011, 1011-01, 1011-02, 1011-03, 1011-04, 1011-05, 1011-06, 1011-07, 1011-08, 1011-09, 1011-10


Internet Oracularities #1011    (92 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 00:10:27 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1011
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1011  92 votes msr96 9Ez71 69tAc 7fAnb mpqf4 9nsq6 7couj 5ftte myje3 beopi
1011  2.9 mean  2.4   2.5   3.4   3.2   2.5   3.0   3.5   3.3   2.4   3.3


1011-01    (msr96 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vaya con queso, my darling.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look Cheese-head I like the Green Bay Packers too, but
} don't over do it.
}
} Hasta Lasagna, supplicant.


1011-02    (9Ez71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, you that were there when Mt. Vesuvius erupted;
>
> What is the next great disaster film going to be after "The
> Titanic"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apart from from the obvious - all sequels (Tim Burton's 2nd Batman
} excepted), 90% of the rest (made as tax losses, but you can be sure the
} video and graveyard shift TV sales get credited to different accounts)
} and 99% of porn (sometimes it's *not* fun being omniscient) - here are
} a few that caught the all-seeing eye:
}
} The Bloat People.
}
}    Cameo appearances by Gates and Groves in an egregious slapstick
}    sequence doesn't save it, they're enjoying themselves too much.
}
} Church of Scientology on Elm Street.
}
}    Standard alien invasion schlock, the only novelty is you can't
}    see'em, hear'em, feel'em, etc. Space vampires who prey on bank
}    accounts. From the makers of When Lawyers Roamed The Earth.
}
} Petty Woman.
}
}    An all-Starr production that manages the difficult feat of
}    exploiting the nominal star.
}
} Get Boris!
}
}    Could have been the most gripping thriller ever, but by the time the
}    Duma/ Red Army/ Mafia cooperative had finished with it, everyone in
}    the theatre was yawning. For once, the sequel is one to watch.
}
} Carry on Settling!
}
}    Latest of a series of politically incorrect low farces from Britain.
}    Even so, it's hard to see why this one got so much Hollywood
}    backing, and why it was left to second-rate actors to improvise. A
}    strong performance from an established US star was affordable and
}    would have made all the difference. Profoundly anti-semitic, the
}    script is even-handed against both jews and arabs.
}
} And, finally, the supreme turkey -
}
} The Millenium Bug!
}
}    They knew it was coming, but they did nothing!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss chalet with one of those cool cellars with
} the foot-thick reinforced-concrete floors, walls, and ceilings. Scenic
} outlook over a tax-advantageous landscape preferred.


1011-03    (69tAc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O meteorological Oracle who not only knows about the mountain of data
> produced by the weather services, but can climate:
>
> Is is true the the equatorial regions are currently being tried in The
> Hague for crimes against humidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that whole trial blew over after a flood of new evidence revealed
} that the star witness was full of hot air.  Her being isobarred from
} the judicial proceedings precipitated her being indicted, and there's
} snow telling what will happen to her.  Her sun is appealing the
} arrainment, hailing her as an "upright character" and saying that she
} will never get a fair trial *now*.
}
} I could regale you with more of this sordid story, but I think it's all
} a front anyway.
}
} (I.e., weather the trial was worthwhile, or just the outcome of clouded
} judgment on the part of the prosecutors, is left as an exercise for the
} seeder.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the foggiest idea of what's going on.


1011-04    (7fAnb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> What is the primum mobile for correct living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, let's see.  My computer science textbook says that a mobile
} consists of two branches, and from each branch hangs either a weight or
} another mobile.  A mobile is supposed to be balanced, which means both
} branches exert the same torque, and all the submobiles are balanced.
} So we can start with
}
}     (define x (make-mobile Descartes Mill))
}
} Descartes and Mill were both lightweights, so they will balance.  We
} can complete the mobile with
}
}     (define primum-mobile
}       (make-mobile (make-mobile (make-mobile Plato x)
}                                 (make-mobile Kant Hegel))
}                    Aristotle))
}
} and it looks like this:
}
}                                                |
}                                                |
}                             ________________________________________
}                             |                                      |
}                             |                                      |
}            ________________________________                    Aristotle
}            |                              |
}            |                              |
}    _________________                  __________
}    |               |                  |        |
}    |               |                  |        |
}  Plato    ____________________       Kant    Hegel
}           |                  |
}           |                  |
}       Descartes            Mill
}
} Perfectly balanced.  Hope you enjoy correct living.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-ontological argument.


1011-05    (mpqf4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whydo i types o baldy whdn I"m drumk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's hard to reach the "home row" from within someone's
} esophagus.
}
} You owe the Oracle an egg salad sandwich


1011-06    (9nsq6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,ruler of carpathia and emperor of
> transilvania i beg your kind selves to answere this simple question
>
> eversince i read the book on vampires i wanted to become one
> it seems they are always lucky and thier cool capes and charms
> on women, it really made me serious about it.
>
> so is there a course i can take or some pills or some kind
> of surgery or somthing so i can be a vampire???
>
> i have already purchased a cool expensive cape, so please
> do not disappoint me sir,
>
> i wait grovelling at your feet for the salvation to become
> a vampire
>
> sinciely your slave
> alucard

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Madam,
}
} It is my regretful duty to inform you that the Oracle is bound by
} Universal Contract not to answer questions regarding the Undead.
}
} If you have any further questions about bloodsucking vampires, please
} direct your query to the Internal Revenue Service, at +1 (800)
} 343-4688.
}
} Sincerely,
} Bunni Howitzer
} Deputy Assistant Secretary to The Oracle
}
} You owe The Oracle the sum of lines 9, 127, and 42, multiplied by the
} GNP and compounded monthly.


1011-07    (7couj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle The Great!
> Please tell me,  may I go fishing  this weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is my first try at Oracle and English is not my first language, so
} I apologize if this is wrong.
}
} I do not know what `fishing' means.  I guess if `sculpting' is turning
} things into sculpture then `fishing' must mean to turn things into
} fish.
}
} I do not think that you should turn everything into fish this weekend.
} By next Wednesday all would be quite smelly.
}
} I think I am to mention Zadoc here too, no?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Czech-English dictionary which has `fish' as a
} verb...


1011-08    (5ftte dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are the apex of all knowledge, your briefest utterance
> contains enough wisdom to get a family of four through a harsh winter.
>
> What is the story behind Pythagorean sects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe it goes something like this:
}
} Given three people of heights a, b, and c, the best possible menage a
} trois occurs when a^2+b^2=c^2.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid.


1011-09    (myje3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I bulk emailed an advertisement.  That's not illegal - I didn't do
> anything wrong!  So what's with all these idiots complaining to my ISP
> and trying to get my account nuked?  Don't they know anything about
> free speach?  I know my rights!  I'll^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@CARRIER LOST
>
> =======================================================================
> This user's account has been terminated for spamming.  We apologize for
> the inconvenience.
> abuse@inter.net                   System Administration
> =======================================================================

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold On, I was not done Zotting the Luser (Or Larting as you prefer).
} Oh, well, I'll just have  to use the Satellite now.  Tee-hee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Final Solution" to spam.


1011-10    (beopi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you there, Oracle? It's me, Supplicant.
>
> The other day, I had a dream. It wasn't any dream - it was a
> /frightening/ dream. I dreamt I was in this large room with white,
> white, /white/ walls.  And Zadoc was there. And there was a kiddie
> pool full of lime jello.  And there were /sheep/. I can't tell you the
> rest of the dream, Oracle, cause if my mom saw it, I'd be grounded
> for life. Let's just say that I haven't been so freaked out since I
> got my period.
>
> Oracle - you have so much knowledge, and a full dream dictionary, and
> you are the greatest super spiffy omniscient (I had to look that word
> up.  I think I got it right.) being I know...please, Oracle, please...
>
> Tell me what that dream means????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  Zadoc!  HOI, ZADOC!
}
} [Zadoc shuffles in on his knees]
}
} Zadoc:  You called, O Beacon of Light in This Gre-- Ow!
}
} O: Eh?  What was that?
}
} Z: Sorry, Master.  I banged my forehead on this bit of pointy floor
}    here.
}
} O: Yes, well you can file it down later.  First, convene the Priest
}    Extraction Unit and go get this supplicant.
}
} Z: What, another one?
}
} O: Yup, there's no doubt about it, she's had the Call.  Younger than
}    most, but she's definitely dreaming of the inside of the palace.
}    The White Room, actually.
}
} Z: Err, the White Room. Master?  Last night?
}
} O: I know it's strange.  We haven't used that room in almost 700
}    digests...
}
} Z: Umm, yes, Master.  Must have been a very boring dream, what with it
}    just being an empty room and all.  Why I be--
}
} O: Quit babbling, Zadoc, and go get her.
}
} Z: Yes, Master.
}
} [Zadoc, obviously distracted, begins to shuffle out]
}
} O: Oh, and Zadoc?
}
} Z: Uh, yes?  Master?
}
} O: Be nice to her.  She'll be young and scared... and I imagine she'll
}    be blackmailing you for some time to come.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime of servitude, but there will be perks.


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