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Internet Oracularities #1012

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1012, 1012-01, 1012-02, 1012-03, 1012-04, 1012-05, 1012-06, 1012-07, 1012-08, 1012-09, 1012-10


Internet Oracularities #1012    (93 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Apr 1998 08:25:01 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1012
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1012  93 votes apxj6 6hqrh 9izjc ajwma 7nDi6 aluma 9aoAe 9srl8 9gkrl 67iAq
1012  3.2 mean  2.8   3.3   3.1   3.0   2.9   3.0   3.4   2.9   3.4   3.7


1012-01    (apxj6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, babe, I'm a bit fed up with you at the moment.
>
> I originally submitted the enclosed supplication on February 5th.  It
> is today April 13th, and I have received ten answers to it.  9 of the
> answers haven't struck me as funny in the least, and the tenth I only
> liked because compared to the other choices, it was marvelous.  Still,
> because of my habit (of which I realize some disapprove, but I'm
> unconcerned) of resubmitting questions when I receive mediocre (or
> worse) answers, this question was in the queue for 55 days (I didn't
> always resubmit it immediately).  Presumably, fifty-five incarnations
> had a chance to answer it (since it's a rare day when the queue doesn't
> clear), and none of them were able to come up with anything worthwhile.
> That's singularly pathetic.  Where are those of Richard Wilson's ilk,
> who thrive on difficult supplications?  Where are the few--the
> proud--the humourous? Why can't I get a decent answer?  I mean, it
> isn't that great or clear of a supplication, but STILL!
>
> Ugh.  Sometimes, you're despicable.
>
> > Dear Friend:
> >
> >       "South Padre *again*?"
> >       "But I don't *want* to party in Acupulco!"
> >       "There's nothing to _do_ in Virginia Beach except stare at the
> > babes in the wet t-shirt contests!!"
> >       Tired of hearing these kind of complaints?  Sharing these
> > thoughts yourself?  Spring Break is approaching once again.  But that
> > same old routine is doubtless dragging you down. . .so why not do
> > something NEW? And different?  An ADVENTURE, with memories you'll
> > cherish for the rest of your life!  All this and more awaits you in
> > a SPECIAL, LIMITED-TIME offer which we at the Indiana University
> > Travel Centre are offering BY INVITATION ONLY to you and a SELECT
> > GROUP of others.
> >       For a REAL EXPERIENCE this Spring Break, how does this sound:
> >
> >             * CHEAP food, travel, and living expenses
> >             * Miles and miles of SUNNY BEACHES
> >             * MOUNTAINS to climb
> >             * A WARM WARM climate
> >             * Cities filled with EXOTIC STALINESQUE HOUSING PROJECTS
> >             * BREATHTAKING scenery
> >
> > Yes, we're giving you a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME chance to experience the
> > MYRIAD SPLENDORS of UZBEKISTAN!  One can RELAX by the glistening,
> > WORLD FAMOUS Aral Sea, or enjoy the WILD nightlife of the capital,
> > TASHKENT! Experience the EXCITEMENT of walking on the TAJIKISTAN
> > border, or, should a more LAID-BACK mood strike you, FALL IN LOVE
> > with the historical richness and FAMED CARPETS of SAMARKAND!  We even
> > have HORSES!
> >        And YES!, you can experience many of the same pleasures you
> > treasure from previous Spring Breaks: crowds, riots (ask about the
> > SPECIAL RIOTERS' DISCOUNTS in the charming FERGANA VALLEY),
> > unfortunate police raids. . .YOU WON'T MISS A THING!!!  President
> > ISLAM KARIMOV personally invites you to COME ON DOWN to the Indiana
> > University Travel Centre TODAY and make your reservations for. . .
> >
> >                     SPRING BREAK IN UZBEKISTAN!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> > =====================================================================
> > yduzmy@skin.uz(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)www.skin.uz/~yduzmy
> > The Uzbek Tourism Board(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)gov.uz/travel/~engl
> > =====================================================================

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rats, another disgruntled Supplicant. I wonder what's going on
} here? Let me pull his folder and see what kind of answers he has
} been getting...
}
} Here it is, Y. Duzmy, let me just take a look...
}
} > Feb. 5; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot.
} >
} > Feb. 7; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot.
} >
} > Feb. 14; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot.
} >
} > Feb. 17; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot!
} >
} > Feb. 18; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot!!!
} >
} > Feb. 21; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      42
} >
} > Feb. 27; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      About a cord an hour.
} >
} > Apr. 10; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      About a cord and a half an hour.
} >
} > Apr. 12; Answer by Lisa
} >
} >      Wow! Sounds like a great place! Do they have any nude
} >      beaches, or will I have to wear my topless thong bikini?
} >
} > Apr. 13; Answer by Zadoc
} >
} >      Zot.
}
} So, Supplicant, which was the answer you liked?
}
} You owe the Oracle a replacement for Zadoc. It looks like his
} battery is getting low.


1012-02    (6hqrh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, even more powerful than my history prof,
>
> I just finished my paper on sexual practices in the court of the later
> Tudors.  The problem is, I don't yet have a title.  "Sexual Practices
> in the Court of the Later Tudors" just doesn't cut it.  Any
> suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How 'bout "Orgy and Bess"?
}
} You owe the Oracle a word wrap.


1012-03    (9izjc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose watch has a millenium hand, please answer this
> mammal's question:
>
> Who, exactly, might be giants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, They might be giants.  Who's on first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soular birdhouse, and I owe Abbot and Costello my
} apologies.


1012-04    (ajwma dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most cunning linguist, I have a problem with
> the Internet Oracle Argot and beg for your assistance...
>
> What do you call it when you've been inducted into an
> Internet Oracle digest, in the noun form? Do you say "I
> got my first digestion yesterday"? Or would you say
> "Yesterday, I got my first digestation"? Or would
> "digesting" be proper, as in "I got my first digesting
> yesterday"?
>
> Please help before I lose all of my language skills!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only correct and acceptable way to proclaim an inclusion in the
} digests is as follows:
}
} Go forth into the street and loudly give this announcement: "Gather
} round, brothers and sisters, and hear my mighty thanks and praises!
} On this day, the INTERNET ORACLE, the GLORIOUS SAGE, the HOLY giver
} of WISDOM and JOY, the SACRED LORD of all that is RIGHT and TRUE,
} has looked down from above and seen a question/reply of mine and
} saw that it was good! And he told his priests to take my question
} and put it in his digest, and I was filled with humble PLEASURE and
} enormous THANKFULNESS for the great honour! [Fall to your knees]
} O, divine ORACLE, I am FOREVER grateful for your GOOD WILL towards
} this your LOWLY servant.  I will GLADLY do your bidding and fetch
} you some magnetic boots [or whatever you owe me]. The mere thought
} of performing that task fills every fibre in my body with immense
} DELIGHT and ECSTASY! [Stand up] Come brother, let me share my
} joy by tickling you until you vomit! Come sister, let me show you
} my happiness by hugging you all day while I scream 'HALLELUJAH!'
} [Run after them if they try to get away from you]"
}
} You owe The Oracle a postcard from the mental hospital.


1012-05    (7nDi6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliant Oracle
> Toast me not with staff of Zot
> Answer this query
>
> Work is so stressful
> Today is very sunny
> I cannot take it
>
> Came in late today
> Boss was not very happy
> I want to go out
>
> Lunchtime is coming
> What food can I eat inside?
> I must go outside...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was an engineer, Scott,
} Who thought he'd give rhythm a shot.
} Though he tried to converse,
} In Japanese verse,
} All he earned was an Oracular Zot.
}
} See, the Oracle, he likes to rhyme.
} (Seems he does it all of the time.)
} But non-rhymed haiku,
} Is just simply taboo,
} Because it doesn't rhyme, see?
}
} So, supplicant, take my advice,
} For you're skating on very thin ice.
} Quickly go and repent,
} And then, for next Lent,
} Give up all of your curry fried rice.
}
} You owe the Oracle some genuine Chinese chop suey and a fortune cookie
} from the Ming Dynasty.


1012-06    (aluma dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise amd magnificent Oracle, whose plumage never molts,
> whom all the Graces beg to preen - please help me with this
> baffling mystery.
>
> Three full moons ago,(actuallly, the morning after a full moon to be
> exact) I found a pink flamingo hanging out in my front yard. Being fond
> of flamingoes, I did my best to give hospitality. I got it some
> Pepperidge Farm goldfish to eat, put an umbrella swizzlestick in its
> drinks dish, and put Jimmy Buffet on the boombox near its nest.
>
> Two full moon morning afters ago, another pink flamingo appeared, plus
> a little gnome looking guy! Still wishing to be a good hostess,I
> welcomed the new arrivals and doubled up on the bar snacks and
> Margaritas for the birds.  I'd heard somewhere that gnomes are good to
> have around; they keep the slugs out of the tomatoes or some such
> nonsense. So, I put out some cookies and single malt scotch for the
> gnome.
> They were good guests for the most part: I'd hear an occasional modest
> cranking-up of the boombox during KBRD's Salsa Hour, and now and again
> a squeaky rendition of "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen", but pretty
> benign on the whole.
>
> This most recent full moon morning after, it's now *totally* out of
> hand. In my yard is a full Bendover family reunion, complete with
> lampshades on their you-know-whats.  I got ceramic critters of all
> descriptions running amok in my flowerbeds; I got gnomes singing "Knees
> Up Mother Brown" at all hours of the day and night,  and terra cotta
> Elvises (Elvi?) doing a Viva Las Vegas thing that has got the cops
> called on me twice! I asked the bathtub Madonna to intercede for me-
> she just smiled sweetly and said I should "offer it up".  What do I do
> now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....
}
}      What have you done supplicant?
}
}      It never ceases to amaze me how many supplicants are taken in by
}      the old pink flamingo / helpful gnome routine every year. There
}      should be a law against things like this happening.
}
}      OK. I'll explain it to you in nice bite-sized pieces so you won't
}      get drawn in next time.
}
}      How it happens:
}      ---------------
}
}      One flamingo moves in, gets settled and telepathically calls his
}      friends. The gnomes use an alpha-wave scanner to read their
}      thoughts and follow them in. Next thing the ceramic thingies and
}      terracotta Elvi turn up, the Bendover's follow them and you have
}      total mayhem in your own backyard.
}
}      Who? What? Why?
}      ---------------
}
}      Pink flamingoes. A very nice creature, quiet, pretty looking,
}      pink. NEVER feed them goldfish, especially ones from Pepperidge
}      Farm - they love 'em. Be wary of them.
}
}      Gnomes. What a pathetic item they are! Cunning too. The fallacy
}      that they keep slugs out of the veggie patch was started by them
}      for the express purpose of being accepted into polite society by
}      unsuspecting persons like yourself. They should be discouraged at
}      all costs. Specifically, do not offer them any form of whisky as
}      it brings out the worst in them.
}
}      Bendover family stuff. Say no more. Keep away from at all costs.
}
}      Elvis and other ceramic things. These just tag along. More on that
}      in a minute.
}
}      Solution.
}      ---------
}
}      Fortunately, this situation is quite easy to rectify.
}
}      For the flamingoes, give them halibut or dover sole to eat, put
}      cherries on cocktail sticks in the drinks bowl and change the
}      music to a Michael Bolton medley (during his BIG hair phase). They
}      will be gone by next Tuesday, guaranteed.
}
}      The gnomes require a lateral approach. If they are singing 'Mother
}      Brown', 'Roll Out The Barrel or any cockney London stuff a good
}      loud blast of a northern England group is ideal. Flavour of the
}      month - wether you like them or not - is Oasis, or alternatively
}      try some Happy Mondays, Smiths or Stone Roses. In extreme cases
}      some folk singing from the Outer Hebredes may be used.
}
}      Bendover stuff. As Arnie says, 'Uzi 9mm, asshole!'.
}
}      Terracotta Elvi can be fought with copious playing of albums by
}      The Carpenters. Enhance the effects of the music by erecting large
}      posters of Karen Carpenter around the place. The inference of
}      anorexia is a killer (no pun intended, honest!).
}
}      Repeat after me, 'Ceramic stuff, meet my large hammer. Large
}      hammer, meet the ceramic stuff.' Got that?
}
}      Simple really. The only thing I don't fully understand is how you
}      fell for this scam completely and yet understood the cryptic
}      message from the bathtub Madonna to refer the problem to Myself to
}      sort out. Unbelievable!
}
}      You owe the Oracle what's left of the scotch.


1012-07    (9aoAe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail O mighty One! Protector of the faith, fount of wisdom, bright
> center of the universe, the sole illumination in this supplicant's drab
> existence.
>
> I'm getting somewhat weary of the caveman-related items in the
> Oracularities. Hasn't this been done to death? In fact I'm rapidly
> coming too the opinion that Og and company are the Oracular equivalent
> of the Spice Girls. Your thoughts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhh! My God, man, if they should hear you...
}
} *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*
}
} Oh no! It's too late! The drums have started...
}
} "When Og feeling, sad and low,
} 'Spiky' take Og, where Og want to go.
} Og kill one bear, Og kill three,
} All Og need is, branch from off a tree...
}
} Cavemen of World - spike up you club!
} Pee-pul of World - spike up you club!
}
} Uuuuuuuurh...
}
} Shake club to left, if having good time;
} Shake club to right, if do this then feel fine;
} Swing club round, HURH, HURH - roo-oo-und..."
}
} It's been like this for weeks, ever since they figured out how to use
} the Karaoke machine. Fortunately they can't remember all the tunes,
} but it doesn't seem to stop them. Uh-oh... There they go again...
}
} "Og tell you what Og want, what Og really really want,
} Og tell you what Og want, what Og really really want,
} Og wanna... Og wanna... Og wanna... Og wanna...
} Og wanna really really really good spiky big club!"
}
} I think I've figured out the Spice Girls target audience. Still, at
} least they haven't discovered Hanson.
}
} *sigh*
}
} I think I have to go lie down now. I feel a migraine coming on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soundproof basement.


1012-08    (9srl8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what time of day is most conductive for
> romance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This sounds like a question for a specialist in the field.  Oh
} Lisa, darling?
}
} L: {whispered} I have to go now.  {giggle} You too!  Bye!
}    {entering room} Yes, Orrie dearest?
}
} O: What time of the day is most conduct... errrr, conducive
}    to romance?
}
} L: Ooooooh, Orrie!  You animal!  OK, let me change into...
}
} O: Ahhhh, not just now, love.  I got a question from a
}    supplicant about romance, and I thought you could
}    provide a more romantic answer.
}
} L: OK, to what?
}
} O: The question I asked.
}
} L:  Did you ask a question?
}
} O: Yes.  I said "What time of day is most conducive to romance?"
}
} L: {giggle} Oh, right!  OK, ummmm, let me think.
}
} O: Don't strain yourself.
}
} L: I don't mind!  Time... romance... time... romance...
}   romance... oooooh, this is getting me all hot.  How
}   about now?
}
} O: Lisa!  This isn't the time for that!
}
} L: Sure it is!  It's ALWAYS the right time!  Grrrrrrr, come
}    to Lisa, you hunka hunka burning love!
}
} O: Well, I... oh, all right.  I didn't know you could do THAT
}    with your hands!
}
} There you have it, supplicant.  According to my expert
} consultants, EVERY time is conducive to romance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a candlelight dinner.


1012-09    (9gkrl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <metahtml>
> <title string><italic>Tell me, <underline>Honorable
> Oracle</underline></italic></title string>
> <question><font courier size 10 color white>Why
> <bold><italic>everyone</italic></bold> of <bold>my friends</bold> claims
> me that <underline>my mail</underline> seems to be <underline><bold>too
> hard</bold></underline> to read?</question>
> </metahtml>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %!PS-Adobe-3.0
} %%DocumentNeededResources: font Courier
} %%+ font Courier-Bold
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} /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef
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} PS
} %%EndPageSetup
} R(Difficult to say.  My mailer managed to handle it
} appropriately...)18 784 L
} (Maybe your friends have inadequate mailers.)18 772 L
} (You owe the Oracle a utility to turn postscript back into ASCII
} text.)18 748 L
} PE
} %%Trailer
} end
} %%Pages: 1


1012-10    (67iAq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou whose very cell walls can stand thousands of
> kilograms of pressure without bursting, please hear this measy
> question.
>
> Oracle, I and a few of the other amoebas are thinking of sorting
> joining together and forming a co-operative organism sort of thing.
> Joe, Mary, and I think it's a good idea, while Patricia, Helen, and
> Jack think it's a lousy idea. What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, I'd think again if I were you.  This multicellular
} business isn't all it's cracked up to be.
}
} I mean, sure, at first it's all "All cells are equal" and "To each
} according to it's needs, from each according to its ability" and
} "pseudopods good, flagella bad" and everyone's living in a Eukaryote's
} Paradise.
}
} But it'll only be a little while before evolution kicks in and sex
} enters the picture and all of a sudden you're working for a bunch of
} stuck-up cells with only half the right number of chromosomes.  From
} then it's all "All cells are equal, but some cells are more equal to
} others" and "pseudpods good, flagella better" and jackbooted white
} cells "protecting" you from "infection" by foreign bodies, but don't
} even think of speaking out or you'll be labelled "cancerous" and
} that'll be the last anyone hears of you.
}
} And don't even get me started about what happens if you evolve a
} brain... I mean really, the nerve some cells have...
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of primordial soup.


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