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Internet Oracularities #1013

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1013, 1013-01, 1013-02, 1013-03, 1013-04, 1013-05, 1013-06, 1013-07, 1013-08, 1013-09, 1013-10


Internet Oracularities #1013    (88 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 00:10:35 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1013
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1013  88 votes juoc3 6gixf ajqmb 6xpj5 bhtjc clola mbmej 5ztd6 4nxm6 caose
1013  3.0 mean  2.4   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.0   3.0   2.8   3.0   3.2


1013-01    (juoc3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------- Forwarded Message
> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > ------- Forwarded Message
> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question was:
> >
> > > ------- Forwarded Message
> > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > Your question was:
> > >
> > > >   Current aminal cracker count:
> > > >
> > > > 3 owls
> > > > 2 squirrles
> > > > 1 monkey
> > > > 1 duck
> > > >
> > > >   I'm obviously saving the duck for last. Which should I eat
> > > >   next?
> > >
> > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> > >
> > > } Wow. I don't kn^H^Hcare!
> > > ------- End of Forwarded Message
> > >
> > >   You know, You of all Beings shouldn't encourage Apathy...
> >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > } You know, you of all such supplicants shouldn't ask such stupid
> > } questions.
> > ------- End of Forwarded Message
> >
> >   *eyes brighten*
> >
> >   Are you the Midnight Queue-Drainer(tm)?
> >
> >   Are you still around?
> >
> >   Are you getting my Supplications?
> >
> >   Can I flame you? Pleeeeease? Pretty Please?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Sure, I'll pass the buck, go ahead, flame away.
> ------- End of Forwarded Message
>
>   You know, an intelligent incarnation would tell me to save the owls
> for last, because they're smarter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An intelligent incarnation would have killed this thread long ago.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better twit filter.


1013-02    (6gixf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most obstinate of the Promthenian-like deities, please answer this
> question, that I address to you standing proudly in the light of your
> radiance, yet with head bowed and eyes looking down away from your
> too noble features. Hear me oh great Oracle!
>
> What happened to the Centaurs? Where are they now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Centaurs...  Centaurs...  creatures with the head, upper torso, and
} arms of a man, and the body and legs of a horse.  Where have they gone?
} You know, it hasn't crossed my mind for a while, but now that you
} mention it, I haven't actually seen one of those guys around for quite
} some time. Back in the old days, there were centaurs all over the
} place.  They'd be getting into the pantry all the time.  It got to be
} so you'd open a closet door and five or six centaurs would fall out.
} Every time there was a tear in the screen, they'd start pouring in
} through the back porch.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I liked them and
} all, but sometimes you want a little peace and quiet.  The only thing
} more annoying than centaurs were Greeks. They don't know when to shut
} up.  Try telling them that sometimes they're better off not knowing
} exactly who that man they killed in the forest twenty years ago was...
} they just won't hear of it.  Anyway...  I'm getting off track...  what
} exactly happened to centaurs?
}
} Let me go through my "What ever happened to..." files.
}
} Hmmm...  "What ever happened to dinosaurs?"  No, too far.  "What ever
} happened to Cindy Lauper?"  What did happen to her...?  Well, another
} time.  "What ever happened the Cenozoic era?"  Wait... this _is_ the
} Cenozoic era.  Well, I'll just have to keep that one hidden for a
} while. Ah!  Here it is:  "What ever happened to centaurs?"
}
} Oh, great, it's a film!  Let's put it on...
} ***********************************************************************
}
}                   WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO CENTAURS?
}
} [The scene is the Oracle's chambers.  A wily looking Greek enters and
} bows before the Oracle.]
}
} Greek:  Oh most obstinate of the Promthenian-like deities, please
} answer this question, that I address to you standing proudly in the
} light of your radiance, yet with head bowed and eyes looking down away
} from your too noble features. Hear me oh great Oracle!
}
} Oracle:  Okay, I'll hear you.
}
} Greek:  How much cents can a Centaur sense since a Centaur can sense
} cents?
}
} Oracle:  Arrrgghh!  Why do all you stupid Greeks come in here and ask
} me how much cents Centaurs can sense?  Do you all think you're funny?
} I have half a mind to zot all you Greeks into oblivion just to keep
} from hearing that infernal question!
}
} Zadoc:  [Running in and bowing]  Oh, shining one, who's breath is like
} that of the crisp mountain air and who's sweat is like the early
} morning dew...
}
} Oracle:  What is it?
}
} Zadoc:  If you zot all the Greeks into oblivion, you'll be out of a
} job.
}
} Oracle:  Hmmm... That's true.  But I forsee an annoying lifetime of
} Centaur questions unless I do something about it...  Wait...  I know.
} [The Oracle pulls out his staff of ZOT and puts it on "deep fry."
} Zadoc dives to the ground.]
}
}       ************ZOT**************
}
} [Around the world all Centaurs are suddenly and mysteriously deep
} fried, traces left only in the Greek myths.]
}
} Oracle:  Well, that should take care of my Centaur problem.
}
} Zadoc:  That also took care of that annoying Greek.
}
} [The Greek is a smoking pile of ash.]
}
} Oracle:  That will teach him not to duck when I raise my staff of zot.
}
} Zadoc:  Besides, he asked the dreaded, "How much cents can a centaur
} sense since a centaur can sense cents" question.
}
} Oracle:  That's the last time I'll have to hear a stupid nonsensical
} question based purely on a whimsical play off the name of an animal.
}
} Zadoc:  I hope so, because the Oracle ethics board is trying to pass a
} "no genociding cute animals" law right this very minute.
}
} Oracle:  Uh oh...  I forsee trouble.
} ***********************************************************************
}
} Well, I guess that answers your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a deep fried Centaur burger and a repeal of the "no
} genociding cute animals" law.


1013-03    (ajqmb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880
> Content-Type: text/plain
>
> O Mighty Oracle, who's the studliest of studs, jockiest of jocks,
> womanizer extraordinair, please answer this humble supplicant's
> question:
>
> Is Lisa a divine immortal like you, or is she human?
>
> ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880
> Content-Type: application/ms-tnef
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64
>
> eJ8+IgUJAQaQCAAEAAAAAAABAAEAAQeQBgAIAAAA5AQAAAAAAADoAAEIgAcAGAAAAElQTS5N
> aWNyb3NvZnQgTWFpbC5Ob3RlADEIAQWAAwAOAAAAzgcEAAoACwAHAAMABQD9AAEggAMADgAA
> AAEAAABAADkA8H8yB2BkvQEeAHAAAQAAAAcAAAB0ZWxsbWUAAAIBcQABAAAAFgAAAAG9ZF7I
> QAEAAAALAAAATklMUy5ERVNMRQAAAwAZQAAAAAACAQkQAQAAABUBAAARAQAAQQEAAExaRnX+
> ZhVTcxSgam9jLmsVthaiFnF3A3JpemEEkCBleHQUUAWwZJsLgAtwchSgC1BlYREQOiAAcXcY
> QRUgBAAgaM51BtAUgBVQdXALUA3gtQBwdBTxcQpQFWBpAiCuOgqiCoQKgEkEIEwEAOphGcAg
> hQAAAAAAAAMAPoAIIAYAAAAAAMAAAAAAAABGAAAAAFKFAAC3DQAAHgA/gAggBgAAAAAAwAAA
> AAAACwBJgAggBgAAAAAAwAAAAAAAAEYAAAAADoUAAAAAAAADAEuACCAGAAAAAADAAAAAAAAA
> ADeFAAABAAAAAQAAAAAAAAAeAGCACCAGAAAAAADAAAAAAAAARgAAAAA4hQAAAQAAAAEAAAAA
> AAAAAwDxPwkEAAADAP0/5AQAAAMAJgAAAAAAAwA2AAAAAAADAIAQ/////wIBRwABAAAAMwAA
> B2BkvQFAAAgwMIJMB2BkvQEeAD0AAQAAAAEAAAAAAAAAHgAdDgEAAAAHAAAAdGVsbG1lAAAe
> X0NPTU1TUlY+AAAAAAsAKQAAAAAACwAjAAAAAAADAAYQLQAImAMABxChAAAAAwAQEAAAAAAD
> VEhJU0hVTUJMRVMAAAAAAgF/AAEAAAA1AAAAPDMwRTNDNkFFMEI0N0QxMTE5Q0YyMDA2MDk3
> QjFFQTAyMDhFQTI5QENHS19DT01NU1JWPgAAAAAM6g==
>
> ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  This answer is in CLUE format. Since you do not understand
}  this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
}
}  ------ =_NextPart_O6_110v35.115A
}  Content-Type: application/vi_plus
}  Content-Transfer-Encoding: clued
}
}                 @@@@@@@@   @@@@@@   @@@@@@@
}                 @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@
}                      @@!  @@!  @@@    @@!
}                     !@!   !@!  @!@    !@!
}                    @!!    @!@  !@!    @!!
}                   !!!     !@!  !!!    !!!
}                  !!:      !!:  !!!    !!:
}                 :!:       :!:  !:!    :!:
}                  :: ::::  ::::: ::     ::
}                 : :: : :   : :  :      :
}
}  ------ =_NextPart_O6_110v35.115A


1013-04    (6xpj5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many Russian folk songs contain the phrase "lyuli, lyuli".  Not knowing
> Russian (I just sing the songs, I don't understand them), I can't help
> but wonder what this phrase is.  Is it just a standard Russian nonsense
> phrase like "tra-la-la" in English?  Or does it actually mean
> something?
>
> Just curious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So I observe.
}
} Though both are now used just as filler-words to make the lyrics scan -
} crafting folk-songs properly would spoil all their quaint authenticity,
} you understand - originally the words were part of the troubadours'
} patois to cover mistakes. So the meaning is roughly "excuse me", or
} "sorry". For example,
}
}     Ooooooooh, when Oi were very young, tra-la
}                                  [Yur, Oi know's Oi's late]
}     I plied the weaver's trade, tra-la
}                                  [Oi knows Oi's flat, too, but oh, that
}                                   were a good brew yestereve at the
}                                   inn!]
}     And then at harvest-time I spied, tra-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaaah
}                                  [Pity about the beans]
}     A passing merchant's maid.
}                                  [Why's you looking at Oi loike that,
}                                   Oi didn'say nowt!]
}
} In Russia, of course, everything is much more dramatic and vigorous,
}
}     Belinka, belinka, belinka, glasnost/ lyuli!
}                                  [I saw you in the haystack,
}                                   I saw you on the ricks]
}     Solzenyzin, solzenyzin, solzenyzin, popov/ lyuli!
}                                  [Aren't you quite rich?
}                                   You'll make a fine pair
}                                   You playing up here
}                                   And my daughter who's next to that
}                                   priest and the heavily-built man
}                                   wearing shades Over there]
}     Chernobyl, chernobyl, chernobyl, kalashnikov/ lyuli! lyuli!
}     lyuuuuuli!!                  [Oh dear, during the Cossack-style
}                                   dance interlude your nose appears to
}                                   have impaled itself on my
}                                   balalaika...]
}     Perestroika, perestroika, perestoika, oblomov
}                                  [... future son-in-law]
}
} You owe the Oracle a lyuli for forgetting to krowkov.


1013-05    (bhtjc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lascivious and boogie-knighted Oracle, please tell me,
>
> Why can't I get a date on Saturday night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're not in season.  Try canteloupe.
}
} You owe The Oracle a fig.


1013-06    (clola dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a good start, but the meter's kind of off.  Why don't we try
} something to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike":
}
} Oh, get your free email at hotmail-dot-com
} You can privately send and receive letterbombs
} You can sell the world nudie JPEGs of your mom
} Get your private, free email at hotmail-dot-com
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording contract with Columbia records.


1013-07    (mbmej dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> 1 4/\/\ 81FF.  ]-[3y DO0D, \|\|H47 D0 \i/oU G3t |/|/H3N Y()u fR3Ez3 A]\]
> 04R?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD W3 HTML//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"
> http-equiv=Content-Type>
> <META content='"MSHTML 4.72.2106.6"' name=GENERATOR></HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=#ffffff>
> <DIV><SPAN class=140174523-20041998><FONT color=#000000 face=Arial
> size=2>1 4/\/\ 81FF.&nbsp; ]-[3y DO0D, \|\|H47 D0 \i/oU G3t |/|/H3N Y()u
> fR3Ez3 A]\] 04R?</FONT></SPAN></DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [After digestification, it was discovered this answer is derived from
}  Dave Barry's "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program".  Our
}  apologies to Mr Barry.  --ed]
}
} 81FF,  DO0D!  C|-|3c|<  T|-|is 0|_|t!
}
}    Installing Your Instant HTML and Web-Page Translation Software:
}    A 12-Step Program
}
} 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
} box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run
} the software. It should look something like this:
}
} SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
} 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
} 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
} 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
} 3546 MB RAM
} 432323 MB ROM
} 05948737 MB RPM
} ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
} 2 TURTLE DOVES
} NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
}
} 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
} contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
} trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.
}
} 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
} 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
} envelope that says:
}
} LICENSING AGREEMENT:
} By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
} the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
} reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
} Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Fluffy
} White Sheep and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary,
} as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate,
} including the right to come to the user's home and examine the
} user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we
} feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation
} indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers,
} losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget
} to tip your servers.
}
} 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
} child), please install this on my computer."
}
} 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
} appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
}
} 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
}
} 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
}
} 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
} which the following message should appear on your screen:
}
} The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
} what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
} with you? Choose one, and be honest:
}
} +---------+ +-----------+
}   | YES |     | SURE |
} +---------+ +-----------+
}
} 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
} whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
} who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
} alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
} computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such
} as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program
} will create many new directories, sub-directories,
} sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with
} thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
} "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
}
} 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
} display the following message:
}
} CONGRATULATIONS
}
} The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
} your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
} your software.
}
} If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
} shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
} you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
}
} 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
} than the federal government, refusing to respond even when
} struck with furniture.
}
} 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
} the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
} will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to
} adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
}
} And so that's the easy way to install your HTML and Web-Page Translation
} Software...
}
} <Debt Load>
} You owe the Oracle the new Victoria's Secret catalogue on CD-ROM. a
} plate of Krispie Treats ...and a twelve-year-old.
} </Debt Load>


1013-08    (5ztd6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle... Aren't all the kids with bizarre piercings and
> extensive tattoos going to feel a might silly when they become
> grandparents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, by then the whole skin-decoration fad will be hopelessly out of
} touch.  Their grandkids with bionic implants and voluntary amputations
} will giggle when they talk about Grampa Spike's butt-pierce.  The term
} "quaint" comes to mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of pegged pants and some mousse.  (It'll be
} the retro rage in 2072.  Trust me.)


1013-09    (4nxm6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie,
>
> do hamsters have any purpose in life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see ... they run on treadmills all day long, never get
} outdoors, live for little pellets of sustenance, and have bad hygiene
} habits and irritable dispositions.  Yes, I think it's quite clear that
} they have a purpose:  role models for Microsoft programmers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Habitrail screen saver.


1013-10    (caose dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, you are the <font face="Arial, Helvetica" size=1>
> of all wisdom, the <img src="yowza.gif" width=320 height=280 border=0>
> of kindness and mercy, and you also have a beautiful <body
> bgcolor="#ffffff">.
>
> I really need your <input name="wisdom" value="priceless"> on this
> question which my poor mind struggles to <form name="question"
> method="POST" target="_top" action="http://cgi-bin/oraclemail.cgi">:
>
> Am I spending too much time writing <html>?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C
} C
}       WRITE(6,7001)
}  7001 FORMAT(1X,'YES, BUT THERE ARE WORSE FATES.')
}       STOP
}       END


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