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Internet Oracularities #1016

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1016, 1016-01, 1016-02, 1016-03, 1016-04, 1016-05, 1016-06, 1016-07, 1016-08, 1016-09, 1016-10


Internet Oracularities #1016    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 07:36:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1016
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1016  84 votes 3fAp5 5hxn6 crtc4 3fspd 8fklk 58fwo csu77 elkja hkqh4 fpw93
1016  3.0 mean  3.2   3.1   2.6   3.4   3.4   3.7   2.6   2.9   2.7   2.5


1016-01    (3fAp5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest, most wondrous Oracle, please enlighten your supplicant:
>
> Why is it that we Australians seem so desperate for the rest of the
> world to take notice of us? Where does this bizarre national
> inferiority complex come from? ("Cultural cringe", we call it). It's a
> perfectly damn fine place to live (best in the world of course)!
> (if you know David Letterman, could you ask him to broadcast a couple
> of shows from Melbourne?)
> DAMN! there it goes again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the maps. Not only is Austrailia relegated to the lower left
} corner in most standard orientation world maps, the eyes tend to hover
} over a part of southeastern asia on the way which still causes more
} than a bit of discomfort for many northwest hemispherians. The
} corporate citizenry isn't being of much help; judging from merkin
} commercials and other popular sources of information, the entire
} continent consists of:
}
} 1. A big dusty place where Paul Hogan drives Subarus
} 2. A tree harboring a Koala bear with a dislike of air transport
} 3. Dumb guys salivating after standoffish statuesque women with an
}    utterly inexplicable penchant for second-rate steaks and batter
}    dipped onions
} 4. A giant can of Fosters
} 5. Three dozen kangaroos
} 6. A 2 m. tall tazmanian devil
} 7. The Sydney Opera House
} 8. Giant barbequed prawns
} 9. Three aboriginies
} 10. Thirty-seven marginally talented and overmarketed rock bands
} 11. Actresses and models who all look like the product of some
}     Aryan eugenics program
} 12. Great white shark infested coral reefs
}
} Number 4 is particularly odd, given that all the Foster's currently
} available in the states is perpetrated in Canada.
} I suggest you do nothing to change any of this. If perchance you ever
} _do_ manage to attract the attention of the dominant culture, you
} probably won't be able to get away with showing up for work for a total
} of six hours from November thru January, as is the custom now. Be glad
} of what you've got.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why your government insists on
} shooting and poisoning its cockatiels rather than exporting them. Now
} _that_'s cringeworthy.


1016-02    (5hxn6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, clouds flee when you pass, swamps gurgle away and reveal
> fertile silt! Oracle, you have gazed under the tops of mountains
> and seen what makes those pointed peaks!
>
> What lesson is it a training bra is supposed to impart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Young supplicant, you have asked a question that warms my heart.
}
} While the simple answer is they impart the noble virtues of perkiness
} and cleavage, there is a more subtle and sinister lesson learned in
} this training.
}
} Training bras invoke in the wearer a certain surety that one is defined
} by her sexuality, and that one must fit "the mold" of her society's
} aesthetics.  This lesson will remain in one's subconscious throughout
} her life, forever tainting her choices and goals.
}
} But then again, who are we to complain? ;)
}
} You owe the Oracle some training pants.  Oops!


1016-03    (crtc4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  what is vulva ? is it a good track?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Swedish, it is a feminine noun refering to a variety of domestically
} manufactured car.
} You owe the Oracle a tract on autoeroticism.


1016-04    (3fspd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who could have a life if he wanted, but doesn't
> because he's got Lisa and so doesn't need one.
>
> What am I doing at home on a Friday night asking you trivial questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Same thing I'm doing on Saturday night answering them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life... oh, wait, you don't have one either.


1016-05    (8fklk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the gargantuan gut of the huge man shook once more as he again
} called out, "WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!".
}
} The burping, moonshine swillin', incestuous crowd stirred, then hooted
} the huge man off the stage. "Can't call a chuck worth a hoot!", said
} a man to the Oracle's left. "Damn fool sounds like he never drained
} a queue either!", said a man to the Oracle's right. The Oracle nodded
} and moved on.
}
} The Oracle -hated- this, but it had proved time and time again to
} work to his advantage. So every year he dressed up like a luser
} and went to the "B1FF Faire". There he rubbed elbows with the AOLs
} and Juno-whats, the Hotmailers and Questionquoters. He took notes
} and learned. Know thy enemy indeed.
}
} He sat under a tree that had had all its leaves blown off and its
} trunk carved with drivel like "Whatz lyfe meanin'?" and "42 question
} huh?".  He pulled a sandwich from his robes and ate as he watched
} the crowd.  They were all there. The students in their September
} garb, the GUI-users with their time-consuming colorful blinders on,
} the Gates-lovers taking two steps then crashing to the muddy soil
} where they waited for others of their ilk to come and kick them with
} heavy boots into a standing position.
}
} The Oracle stopped eating and shuddered. A MIME was approaching.
}
} It halted near the Oracle and began its long repetitive and boring
} act, which instantly drew an adoring crowd. First the MIME covered one
} of his eyes with his right hand and the crowd followed suit yelling
} "Part of this you may not be able to see!". Then the MIME punched
} himself in the stomach, the crowd followed suit and yelled, "Content
} type: base 64!".  The MIME held up two fingers, the crowd yelled,
} "two!". The MIME held drew a "B" in the air, the crowd yelled, "B!".
} The Oracle stood up and moved on, he had not stomach to watch them
} plod letter by letter through 37 lines of base 64.
}
} A boy dressed in motley up to the Oracle and blurted out, "Tell you
} something stupid for a grovel!"
}
} "The clay tablets on which the first draft of Gilgamesh were inscribed
} were old long after you had shared your ten-millionth idea with the
} noblest of the titans," said the Oracle.
}
} The boy laughed and laughed, then said, "YES NO HELL!" and ran off.
}
} The Oracle gave a sad smile and headed to the exit. He'd seen enough.


1016-06    (58fwo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle,
> off the wall,
>
> Who's the biggest
> geek of all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you have a couple of elements of the story a little mixed up, but
} all right, I'll tell again the story of:
}
}                    ORRIE AND THE SEVERAL DORKS
}
} [To really get the mood here, imagine this in a quaint old font with
} lots of little illustrations, and big fancy drop caps at the beginning
} of each paragraph.]
}
} Once (did you get that big fancy "O"?) upon a time, there was a wicked
} king who ruled the Land of Geeks with a cold heart, an iron fist, and a
} solid brass pocket protector.  He lived in a magnificent castle with
} soaring towers and sturdy walls.  The only way in or out was through an
} enormous set of doors made by compressing the countless invoices he
} sent his people; these were the fateful doors after which he took his
} name -- the dreaded Bill Gates.
}
} While his myriads of minions marched around the kingdom enslaving all
} whom they could, the evil king would lock himself away with his army of
} marketing managers.  Day and night they plotted, trying to stamp out
} all traces of Geek society that did not belong to Bill Gates.  And
} finally, in times when weighty decisions were about to be made, the
} king would retreat to his innermost chambers and consult the sources of
} his evil designs.  These were a set of almost 100 expensively
} constructed windows, endowed with great magic by sacrificing the tiny,
} downtrodden souls of his subjects.  These were the Windows 95.
}
} Slowly, the king would approach the Windows 95, always with the dark
} purpose of discerning how best to retain his title of King of the
} Geeks.  "Windows, Windows, off the wall," he would intone, "who's the
} biggest Geek of all?" And always the Windows 95 would reply, "General
} protection fault".  But right after that, once the king had booted them
} soundly, they would say, "You, Bill Gates, are the biggest Geek of
} all!" and then they would produce a vision of the next vile device the
} king would use to continue his terrible reign.
}
} On one fateful day, however, shortly after Bill Gates had enslaved
} millions and defeated the Navigators with the help of the IE Four
} Horsemen, the familiar pattern changed.  After hours of booting and
} re-booting and re-re-booting, the Windows 95 finally came to life.
} Again, the mad king shouted, "Windows, Windows, off the wall, who's the
} biggest Geek of all?" But this time, after a strange silence, the
} Windows 95 replied, "We really hate to tell you this, big guy, but
} there are several dorks out there that are pretty big geeks, too.  And
} they follow one who is even bigger than you."
}
} "What?" howled the evil king, booting the Windows 95 once again just
} for good measure.
}
} "It's true," said the Windows 95, "take a look".  And at once, after
} several minutes of loading the programs and clicking through the MSNBC
} ads, a vision appeared of a remote part of the Land of Geeks known as
} rec.humor.oracle. There, with growing fury, Bill Gates watched as
} askmes and tellmes came and went, and endless cascades weaved among
} arcane Unix references and in-jokes from long ago.  With cold eyes, he
} took note of the names scrolling by: Kinzler!  Zadoc!  Viles!
} Darkmage!  Alyce ("With a 'Y'")!  kirsten! Kendai!  The list went on
} and on.
}
} "Nooooo!" cried the king.  "It *is* true!  These dorks *are* bigger
} geeks than me!"
}
} "If you think they're big," said the Windows 95, "you should see their
} leader."
}
} "Who?  Who is he?  I shall destroy him!"  Bill Gates screamed.
}
} "It is The Internet Oracle!" said the Windows 95.
}
} "Oracle?" said Bill Gates.  "Internet?  I thought Larry Ellison was off
} wasting his time with that ridiculous Java/NC baloney.  He'll be out of
} my hair for years."
}
} "No, no, not that Oracle," said the Windows 95.  "The Internet Oracle!
} He who can only be reached via oracle@cs.indiana.edu with secret
} incantations in the subject."
}
} "Aha!"  cried Bill Gates.  "We'll see about that!"  And so began a
} reign of terror the likes of which the Land of Geeks had never seen.
} AOLers walked the land.  Mail from Juno and Yahoo began to arrive,
} first in ones and twos, then in torrents.  When that proved inadequate,
} Bill Gates took by storm the inhabitants of Hotmail, who began to
} assail the Oracle with inanity. Finally, the evil king made an unholy
} alliance to support the denizens of WebTV, and they, too invaded the
} Oracle's territory, grunting and salivating and searching for their
} remote controls under the seat cushions of the land.
}
} But in the end, all the merciless plotting of Bill Gates did not
} prevail. Aside from ticking off a few of the Oracle's followers and
} spawning some ridiculing Oracularities, the presence of Gates' minions
} was scarcely noticed.  The cascades still flowed merrily, the Staff of
} Zot remained well-used, and the praises of the Oracle were still sung
} in various strangely-accented and not always melodious voices.  And, as
} always, the several dorks who spawned the wrath of Bill Gates remained
} in the midst of it all.
}
} And so, children, the story remains today.  Seeing the power of Bill
} Gates brought to naught by the Oracle, even the stiff-suited people of
} the DOJ have been emboldened to confront him.  The evil powers of Bill
} Gates have been silent in the Land of Geeks for some time now.  There
} are rumors, of course, of hostile takeovers of certain ISPs and
} educational institutions. There are persistent attempts to bring the
} Internet into every home in the world, even to the completely
} illiterate.  And, perhaps most troubling, there is a story that Bill
} Gates is constructing three new and even more expensive units for his
} dark power source, and that he will soon be consulting the Windows 98
} rather than the Windows 95.  But these are all simply stories told to
} frighten children, and you may rest assured that the future lies safe
} in the hands of Orrie and the several dorks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cast of animated characters suitable for use in
} licensed merchandise.


1016-07    (csu77 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh, Oracle, whose every opcode embodies more semantic content
>     than I could ever hope to smell, please raise me from my
>     quandry and tell me, truly:
>
>       Did Lee Harvey Oswald really shoot J.R. or did the CIA set him
>       up to protect Sue Ellen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     INTERIOR OFFICE. We see a well-appointed Hollywood office with a
}     large picture window, a desk in front of the window. Sitting in
}     the chair wee see in profile LEONARD KATZMAN, smoking a cigarette
}     and gazing out the window
}
} SECRETARY (OS)      Here are the script changes, Mr. Katzman.
}
}                     KATZMAN waves at his desk without looking. the
}                     SECRETARY enters, puts the script on the desk, and
}                     walks out again.
}
} CLOSE UP            on KATZMAN as he finishes his cigarette, sighs, and
}                     turns to reach for the script
}
}     CLOSE UP on script. KATZMAN is about to pick it up when a hand
}     slams down on top of it.
}
} ORACLE              I think I had better have a look at this.
}
}     CLOSE UP on KATZMAN reacting in dismay and fear.
}
}     CUT TO ORACLE, sitting down in a chair in front of the desk,
}     looking open and friendly. Behind him is OG, a Neanderthal,
}     dressed in skins. ORACLE begins to leaf through the script.
}
} ORACLE              Og, you had better go help Zadoc with the
}                     secretary. He hasn't had much experience with
}                     women.
}
}     OG nods and exits, closing the door behind him.
}
}     CUT TO the two of them, sitting on opposite sides of the desk.
}     The ORACLE is leafing through the script, occasionally 'tsk'ing
}     or shaking his head.  KATZMAN is nonplussed.
}
} KATZMAN             Hi, Oracle. (beat) How are things in Indiana?
}                     (beat) What brings you to Hollywood?
}
} ORACLE              (gesturing at a page in the script) Now look at
}                     this, Lenny. You start running things like this on
}                     television, you know the sort of trouble there'll
}                     be.
}
} KATZMAN             Well, you know writers, Oracle. They write the
}                     stuff. I'm just the producer. I try to--
}
} ORACLE              Lenny, didn't we have a little problem like this
}                     one in Hawaii Five Oh? Didn't I tell you to cut
}                     that appearance by MLK?
}
} KATZMAN             Well, yeah, and you were right, but there's--
}
} ORACLE              And Lenny, do you remember why 'Fantastic Journey'
}                     was canceled?
}
} KATZMAN             Well, that bimbo McDowell..
}
} ORACLE              Lenny.
}
} KATZMAN             (a beat) Yeah, I know. But Oracle, this is a soap
}                     opera. You have to do things to keep the audience
}                     coming back every week. No one believes in it.
}                     Look, General Hospital told almost everything about
}                     the--
}
} ORACLE              No they didn't, Lenny. That was just the story we
}                     leaked to the Illuminati. The real facts are...not
}                     as easily available.
}
} KATZMAN             You leaked--?
}
} ORACLE              This subplot about the secret entrance underneath
}                     the grassy knoll will have to go. (flips a page)
}                     and this--why don't you just tell all America what
}                     was really stored in the school book depository?
}
} KATZMAN             But I've got deadlines! I'll never get it changed--
}
} ORACLE              Yes you will, Lenny. No more Oswald, no more Ruby,
}                     no more Dillinger.  (stands up, stretching) Now
}                     Lenny, I do sympathize with you. I know how
}                     overworked you've been.
}
} KATZMAN             (slumps on his desk) Overworked.
}
} ORACLE              So I've brought someone to help you out.
}
}     The ORACLE snaps his fingers. Behind him, the door opens, and
}     we see OG wave in LEE RICH.
}
} ORACLE              Lenny, this is Lee Rich. He did some work for me on
}                     the Waltons, making sure it stayed the kind of show
}                     your family could watch.
}
}     RICH breezes in, all smiles. He seats himself in the chair
}
} RICH                Actually, most people remember me better for the
}                     Rat Patrol.
}
} ORACLE              Lee can help you with all your little script
}                     problems, and he can let me know if there's
}                     anything that needs handling. Is that OK, Lenny?
}
} KATZMAN             (hopeless) Yeah, Oracle.
}
} ORACLE              Don't be down, Lenny. I can tell you for nothing
}                     that Dallas will do great next year. And the year
}                     after. I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a
}                     movie. Make sure you keep at that Warner Brothers
}                     receptionist.
}
} KATZMAN             (brightens just a little) Warner Brothers?
}
} ORACLE              That's the spirit.
}
}     CUT TO ORACLE turning and walking out the door. He smiles once
}     over his should then is gone, shutting the door behind him.
}
} ORACLE              (through door) Zadoc, let the lady have her
}                     typewriter back. That's better.  Alright guys, now
}                     we have to go talk to a man about those FemBots.
}
} You owe the Oracle a name change. To protect the innocent.


1016-08    (elkja dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today is opposite day!
>
> You owe the Supplicant a back-to-front cake and some
> negatives of Lisa.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hah!  I'm standing in the "opposite zone", so all the opposites
} reflect back to YOU!  And guess what!
}
}       (Oracle throws a ball at the supplicant - *bonk*)
}
}       I hit you with the Oracle-ball!  I get two points!
}
}  You owe the Oracle the entire collection of Calvin & Hobbes comic


1016-09    (hkqh4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most mellifluous Oracle.... What's with all the song lyrics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, What's on second.  The guy over there with all the song lyrics
} is Paul McCartney.
}
} You owe the Oracle Abbot and Costello's White Album.


1016-10    (fpw93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look!  In the sky!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's --
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       That's right, folks!  It's Hotmail!  More annoying than Juno!
} More prevalent than Yahoo!  Able to spam all UseNET in a single
} crosspost!
}
}       But seriously.  It's a bird.  See?  It's decided to poop on the
} statue of Bill Gates.  It's no dodo.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a carryon pigeon.


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