} Well, you have a couple of elements of the story a little mixed up, but
} all right, I'll tell again the story of:
} ORRIE AND THE SEVERAL DORKS
} [To really get the mood here, imagine this in a quaint old font with
} lots of little illustrations, and big fancy drop caps at the beginning
} of each paragraph.]
} Once (did you get that big fancy "O"?) upon a time, there was a wicked
} king who ruled the Land of Geeks with a cold heart, an iron fist, and a
} solid brass pocket protector. He lived in a magnificent castle with
} soaring towers and sturdy walls. The only way in or out was through an
} enormous set of doors made by compressing the countless invoices he
} sent his people; these were the fateful doors after which he took his
} name -- the dreaded Bill Gates.
} While his myriads of minions marched around the kingdom enslaving all
} whom they could, the evil king would lock himself away with his army of
} marketing managers. Day and night they plotted, trying to stamp out
} all traces of Geek society that did not belong to Bill Gates. And
} finally, in times when weighty decisions were about to be made, the
} king would retreat to his innermost chambers and consult the sources of
} his evil designs. These were a set of almost 100 expensively
} constructed windows, endowed with great magic by sacrificing the tiny,
} downtrodden souls of his subjects. These were the Windows 95.
} Slowly, the king would approach the Windows 95, always with the dark
} purpose of discerning how best to retain his title of King of the
} Geeks. "Windows, Windows, off the wall," he would intone, "who's the
} biggest Geek of all?" And always the Windows 95 would reply, "General
} protection fault". But right after that, once the king had booted them
} soundly, they would say, "You, Bill Gates, are the biggest Geek of
} all!" and then they would produce a vision of the next vile device the
} king would use to continue his terrible reign.
} On one fateful day, however, shortly after Bill Gates had enslaved
} millions and defeated the Navigators with the help of the IE Four
} Horsemen, the familiar pattern changed. After hours of booting and
} re-booting and re-re-booting, the Windows 95 finally came to life.
} Again, the mad king shouted, "Windows, Windows, off the wall, who's the
} biggest Geek of all?" But this time, after a strange silence, the
} Windows 95 replied, "We really hate to tell you this, big guy, but
} there are several dorks out there that are pretty big geeks, too. And
} they follow one who is even bigger than you."
} "What?" howled the evil king, booting the Windows 95 once again just
} for good measure.
} "It's true," said the Windows 95, "take a look". And at once, after
} several minutes of loading the programs and clicking through the MSNBC
} ads, a vision appeared of a remote part of the Land of Geeks known as
} rec.humor.oracle. There, with growing fury, Bill Gates watched as
} askmes and tellmes came and went, and endless cascades weaved among
} arcane Unix references and in-jokes from long ago. With cold eyes, he
} took note of the names scrolling by: Kinzler! Zadoc! Viles!
} Darkmage! Alyce ("With a 'Y'")! kirsten! Kendai! The list went on
} and on.
} "Nooooo!" cried the king. "It *is* true! These dorks *are* bigger
} geeks than me!"
} "If you think they're big," said the Windows 95, "you should see their
} "Who? Who is he? I shall destroy him!" Bill Gates screamed.
} "It is The Internet Oracle!" said the Windows 95.
} "Oracle?" said Bill Gates. "Internet? I thought Larry Ellison was off
} wasting his time with that ridiculous Java/NC baloney. He'll be out of
} my hair for years."
} "No, no, not that Oracle," said the Windows 95. "The Internet Oracle!
} He who can only be reached via firstname.lastname@example.org with secret
} incantations in the subject."
} "Aha!" cried Bill Gates. "We'll see about that!" And so began a
} reign of terror the likes of which the Land of Geeks had never seen.
} AOLers walked the land. Mail from Juno and Yahoo began to arrive,
} first in ones and twos, then in torrents. When that proved inadequate,
} Bill Gates took by storm the inhabitants of Hotmail, who began to
} assail the Oracle with inanity. Finally, the evil king made an unholy
} alliance to support the denizens of WebTV, and they, too invaded the
} Oracle's territory, grunting and salivating and searching for their
} remote controls under the seat cushions of the land.
} But in the end, all the merciless plotting of Bill Gates did not
} prevail. Aside from ticking off a few of the Oracle's followers and
} spawning some ridiculing Oracularities, the presence of Gates' minions
} was scarcely noticed. The cascades still flowed merrily, the Staff of
} Zot remained well-used, and the praises of the Oracle were still sung
} in various strangely-accented and not always melodious voices. And, as
} always, the several dorks who spawned the wrath of Bill Gates remained
} in the midst of it all.
} And so, children, the story remains today. Seeing the power of Bill
} Gates brought to naught by the Oracle, even the stiff-suited people of
} the DOJ have been emboldened to confront him. The evil powers of Bill
} Gates have been silent in the Land of Geeks for some time now. There
} are rumors, of course, of hostile takeovers of certain ISPs and
} educational institutions. There are persistent attempts to bring the
} Internet into every home in the world, even to the completely
} illiterate. And, perhaps most troubling, there is a story that Bill
} Gates is constructing three new and even more expensive units for his
} dark power source, and that he will soon be consulting the Windows 98
} rather than the Windows 95. But these are all simply stories told to
} frighten children, and you may rest assured that the future lies safe
} in the hands of Orrie and the several dorks.
} You owe the Oracle a cast of animated characters suitable for use in
} licensed merchandise.