[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:54:55 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1019

Goto:
1019, 1019-01, 1019-02, 1019-03, 1019-04, 1019-05, 1019-06, 1019-07, 1019-08, 1019-09, 1019-10


Internet Oracularities #1019    (94 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 May 1998 10:04:20 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1019
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1019  94 votes b6ssl 6hxt9 6zE94 fzra7 aHkg5 bnsp7 cvBb3 dzte3 7hFl8 29pGg
1019  2.9 mean  3.4   3.2   2.7   2.6   2.6   2.9   2.6   2.6   3.1   3.6


1019-01    (b6ssl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Command: N
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: North
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: Go North
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: See the little building thataway? Move closer
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: Exits
>
> There is a building to the north
>
> Command: Go Building
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: Go Building North
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: Go North Building
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it
>
> Command: Listen you worthless sack of sh*t, you have two choices - let
> me move north, or meet Mr. Electromagnet. Either there is a building
> there, or there isn't. Now, do you want me to slap your CPU in the
> microwave for a few hours, or what?
>
> I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle@temple.cs:~ 12:47am > su
} Password:
} # cat > ~username/.cshrc
} set prompt = "I'm sorry I don't understand that command - please
} rephrase it\n\nCommand:"
} # exit
} oracle@temple.cs:~ 12:48am > exit
}
} Heh heh heh.


1019-02    (6hxt9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose nose is a model for rhinoplasty surgeons
> everywhere, please tell me...
>
> ...you know those "premium" orange juices that say "not from
> concentrate" on the carton?  Well, it struck me that this was a
> meaningless phrase.  Telling us how the orange juice _isn't_ made
> doesn't go very far in terms of explaining how it _is_ made.  I mean,
> they might as well say "not made from grinding up particle board and
> mixing the residue with live bees"; it's technically true but
> unhelpful.  So how _do_ they make the premium orange juices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every spring in the orange vineyards of Shangri-La specially trained
} Passenger Pigeons puck the ripe, delicate fruits and deposit them in
} flaxen baskets carries by nubile virgins imported from the heart of
} Africa. These baskets are emptied into zebrawood tubs where they are
} carefully stomped by small, Buddhist eunuchs. The resulting slurry is
} poured through Calvin Klein's silk boxer shorts to seperate out the
} juice, which is poured into teak casks and locked away. As always, the
} rich OJ is defended by Johnnie Cochrane. Once there, it is aged for 7
} years, 7 months, and 7 days so it can acquire its full flavor. It is
} then Pasteurized, packaged, and delivered to your local store.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how virgin olive oil is made.


1019-03    (6zE94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's home has made the cover of Architectural Delightest,
> who's personal habits are impeccable, who employs a team of lackeys to
> sort his socks into the proper bin:
>
> I'm not much of a housekeeper.  Can you give me a few simple
> suggestions which might lead to the appearance of tidiness in dealing
> unexpectedly with uninvited guests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant! Haven't you been paying attention all these years??
} Alright, I'll go over it again.
}
} To avoid unsightly dirt and carpet wear and tear, install pieces of
} plastic track on all your carpeting.  Ah, what the heck.  Install it
} on your linoleum too.
}
} To avoid ruining your couch from unsightly stains, keep the plastic
} covering from the factory on it forever.  Place towels on the plastic
} to (1) prevent thigh stickage and (2) prevent the wear and tear of
} your plastic.
}
} To keep your "wood" siding on your walls looking brand-new, prevent
} kids from coloring on it by spraying a nice big can of Raid along the
} bottom 4 feet every 2 weeks.  Avoid touching it while drying.
}
} From time to time, go outside with the hose and wash off the sides of
} your trailer.  This should remove all caked on dirt and pesky bug
} corpses.  Be sure to spray down your windows real good.
}
} Try to keep your Hide-A-Way Roll-a-Bed in the closet at all times.  If
} you have no closet space, at least make sure it's made up.
}
} And last but not least, make sure there are no visible corpses.
}
} You owe the Oracle the fresh scent of Pine-Sol.


1019-04    (fzra7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle most wise;
>
>   This was in one of the best of USENET groups:
>
> > The concept of adding scent to the architectural design process has
> > just begun to develop over the last few years. Currently hundreds of
> > environmental aroma systems are operating in casinos, resorts, retail
> > stores and office buildings
>
>    The mind boggles. What will Post Offices smell like? Banks?
>    Barber shops? Pawn shops? Will there be one smell standard for
>    all like businesses, so say all TV repair stores smell the same?
>    Or will be a regional thing, all buildings in Seattle smell of one
>    scent all buildings in Detroit of another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft will be the leader in smell OS.  In fact, that will be the
} name of the software.  SmellOS[number] (I leave off the year to prevent
} you from worrying).  This will enable specially equipped machines to
} smell as bad as we've all suspected.  Buildings will have there own
} distinct stink thanks to Microsoft.  The MS-HQ will not use this
} product, because it already has this distinct aroma.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gas mask.


1019-05    (aHkg5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise;
>
> Who invented the anal thermometer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was invented by Galileo Galilei's neat-freak brother, Percy Galilei.
} Percy didn't care for Galileo's liquid thermometer, saying it "could
} break" and "spill colored liquids all over the papers on my desk, which
} I just straightened up, not that you'd ever notice, you slob".  It was
} through the use of his anal thermometer that the medical community
} discovered that the normal human body temperature is not _exactly_
} 98.6, but is, in fact 98.6000010315702144 (approximately).
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Mercury.


1019-06    (bnsp7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose name strikes terror in the hearts of young woodchucks,
> whose fearsome features frighten furries far away, please tell me:
> What's in a name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having a name is very important for items in our day to day life.
} If material things did not have names, it would be very difficult to,
} for example, ask for condoms at the chemist.
}
} You would go into the chemist shop, walk up to the counter and ask
} for a packet of things.
}
} "What type of things?', would ask the assistant.
} "You know, those things which you put on your thing when you want to
} do the thing"
} "What thing?"
} "THE thing!"
} "Oh, THE thing. Right what type of things? coloured things? Ribbed
} things? luminous things? Flavoured things?....."
} "Yes, yes. The flavoured things. That's what I want."
} "Ok, what flavour?"
} "Thing flavour".....
} and so on.


1019-07    (cvBb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who has the best net connectivity on any deity, major
> or minor:
>
> I keep hearing about the tobacco mosaic virus - is this an evil plot
> by cigarette manufacturers to bring down the web, and if so, what is
> the best browser to use to avoid any ill-effects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplecant, you have it all wrong...the tobacco-mosaic virus is just
} what it's name suggests.  It's not a computer virus, but rather a
} virus developed by anti-smokers who are going to unleash it on tobacco
} crops everywhere at exactly 12:01 am on June 17, 1998.  The virus
} was developed, as I said by anti-smokers, most of whom are really
} big into the world-wide web and surfing it, however these are all
} cast-outs from the crew that originally developed the Mosaic browser.
} So, they decided that instead of it killing the tobacco, the virus
} would change the tobacco.  No longer will smokers be addicted to
} nicatene...now they will be addicted to the Mosaic browser.
}
} They will have to browse the web with it at least once a day at first.
} Their symptoms will get progressively worse as time goes on.  Soon,
} they will be browsing 6 times a day...then 12 times a day, then it's
} a full days obsession!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!  People everywhere will be
} hooked on surfing the web.  Oh yeah, you know I am going to start
} getting more supplecants soon, oh yes, I will....
}
} Once the addiction sets in, they will no long enjoy smoking (that's
} the other part of the addiction, by the way).  The Tobacco-Mosaic
} Virus will destroy all other addictions in the person, making it so
} that they will never want to get away from the computer.  Already,
} Microsoft CEO has said this of the Virus: "It's a good idea...I just
} wish I had thought of it before all of this came about with Windows
} 98 and my MSN project.  But, they didn't trademark the virus, so I
} might be releasing Cocaine-Windows pills sometime in the near future".
}
} President Clinton remarked, "Wow, I might be able to get people to
} stop worrying about my affairs..." and would say nothing further.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of prevention ... or just a ton of cure...


1019-08    (dzte3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and wonderous oracle
>
> why shouldnt you try to fix it if its not broke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must learn patience, my son. Sooner or later, Micro$oft will buy
} it: then it will be broke, and you can fix it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proposal to the ISO that oranges be standardised,
} and shares in an orchard so I can make some money when M$ buys it out.


1019-09    (7hFl8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie when do you plan on opening a Temple here in Alabama?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ye Gods, what is it with the supplicants today?
}
} If we take a closer look at this supplicant's question, we will notice
} several things wrong:
}
} > Hey Orrie when do you plan on opening a Temple here in Alabama?
}
} (1)(2)(3)   (4)                 (5)              (6)
}
} (1) No grovel.
} (2) Use of the informal and inappropriate to an omniscient being "Hey"
}     as greeting.
} (3) Use of diminutive "Orrie" (see (2)).
} (4) Use of "when" implies intent, as well as temporal location.
} (5) Phrasing suggests that the consecration of a site dedicate to
}     Myself is as common as the opening of a McDonald's.
} (6) Supplicant admits to living in Alabama.
}
} That's 6 glaring errors in only 13 words.  (And I'm tempted to count
} (1) as several points against.)  I've seen worse, but I have seen much
} much better.  Unfortunately, that still only gives you a cumulative
} score of 0.46, less than the 0.5 required by my contract to avoid
} summary ZOT-ing, but since you were close, I'll give you the chance to
} duck.  Not that it'll do you any good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dustpan to collect your charred remains.


1019-10    (29pGg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who has all of the crackz, codez and warez, please
> tell me...
>
> I've won every computer game I know of, and people keep telling me I
> should try something called "Real Life."  They say it has great 3D and
> real-time interaction with the characters.  Tell me, oh brilliant
> Oracle, where can I get a copy of "Real Life?"  And are there any cheat
> codes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant. Rumors of an interactive "Real Life" are not without
} a basis in fact.
}
} In fact, you've probably seen others playing this game when you
} ventured out of your dingy abode for food or warez. Those were not
} avatars wandering the malls and pizza joints. With the exception of
} the characters in Starbucks, many of the "people" you've seen actually
} *have* a life. A Real Life.
}
} Unfortunately, there is no "winning" in Real Life. You may fall prey
} to Yet Another Stupid Death (and will likely encounter many Funny
} Messages), but only two people have reportedly ascended to demigodhood,
} and (as it turns out) neither actually *had* the amulet.
}
} Everyone else dies. Even you. And it's permanent. No exceptions
} (except me).
}
} Some say it's possible to win before dying -- you may have heard "He
} Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins." This is a fallacy ... toys or no,
} everyone still dies. And there's no "save" feature (although some
} people will tell you they've been saved), much less a restore function.
}
} There's no need for cheat codes in Real Life. Each player gets to
} make up the rules as they play. Some people agree to play by an
} ever-shifting, highly variable set of "general rules" (some people
} call them 'Commandments'), but no player is truly bound by any
} rules whatsoever.  As in the games you've played, some actions have
} adverse consequences, but even those can be avoided by skillful or
} lucky players. Or those with good lawyers (Right, O.J.?)
}
} Real Life can be as addicting as Nethack, as gory as Doom,
} as graphically rich as Riven. It can also be as exciting as Pong.
} You may already have a demo version of Real Life. Turn off your
} computer and find out.
}
} Odds are, you'll return to your warez soon anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code to Real Life.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org