[IO]
Internet Oracle
28 Aug 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:16:14 GMT

Internet Oracularities #102

Goto:
102, 102-01, 102-02, 102-03, 102-04, 102-05, 102-06, 102-07, 102-08, 102-09, 102-10


Usenet Oracularities #102    (11 votes, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 17 Jan 90 16:58:33 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

102   11 votes 45200 02351 23321 02342 13412 0001a 00353 05420 02423 02360
102   3.3 mean  1.8   3.5   2.7   3.5   3.0   4.9   4.0   2.7   3.5   3.4


102-01    (45200 dist, 1.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the highest place in the world is only 8 foot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You misheard. The highest PERSON in the world HAS only 8 foot...
}
} ]
} ] Msg From ROOT on TTY01:
} ]
} ] Stop fucking around with that oracle shit and get back to work.
} ]
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Super User.


102-02    (02351 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, for many a moon I have had been pondering a subject that
> has had myself and my flatmates boggled and quite worried, namely, in
> light of the many Purity Tests that exist in the world, we want to know
> what the most vile, perverted, disgusting, twisted, and generally icky
> act that a human being can perform is.  Can you help us?  What is this
> despicably revolting act??
>
> thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my...hmmm...I think that this requires a call to The Department Of
} Vile Perverted Disgusting Twisted Icky Acts...
}
} <* RING *>
} -- CLICK --
}
} "Hello, this is Dr. Ruth of the DOVPDTIA."
}
} Yes, this is the oracle, I need to know the most vile, perverted,
} disgusting, twisted, icky act a human being can attempt.
}
} (Dr. Ruth) "Well, you know that there is nothing that is *truly*
} v/p/d/t/i, because as long as there is love between all parties involved
} in any act, it is totally natural..."
}
} (Geraldo Rivera) "Well, I personally believe that gang raping homeless
} jewish homosexual 3-year olds with Mob connections in a joint
} Satanist/KKK ritual would have to be at the top of the list."
}
} (Satanist KKK member) "I'll kill you for that!" *BIFF*
}
} (Geraldo) "He broke my nose!"
}
} (Morton Downey, Jr.) "Shut up, at least *you* have good ratings."
}
} (Dan Quayle) "What's the question again?"
}
} (Oral Roberts) "WITHOUT question...the MOST vile...perverted...
} disgusting...Twisted...ICKY act ANYONE could EVER undertake...is to sit
} behind a desk...in front of a computer...and claim to be an ALMIGHTY
} oracle...a FALSE GOD!!...when you KNOW the ONLY TRUE GOD is JESUS!!!!...
} and people like YOU expect EVERYONE to just ABANDON their beliefs...and
} listen to ONLY YOU!...well, sir, i think that YOU are-" --CLICK--
}
} (*DIAL TONE*)
}
} You owe the Oracle $666, a subscription to Playboy, and an easy-to throw
} chair...


102-03    (23321 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OraCLE, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Enough!
}
} [Dial 1-212-%@#-%@#$.... ring ... ring ...]
}
} Slimebottle: Hell Office of Public Service, how can we best serve you?
}
} O: I was calling about Xxxxxxx Xxxxx, actually, and wondering how you
}    could best serve him.
}
} S: Let me see, sir!  Right away, sir!  Ho ha hum ... hum death hum ...
}    ho, ... I think that he should best be killed with a single quick
}    slash across the throat, gutted, boned, cut into thin slices, and
}    served on top of rice like sushi.
}
} O: No; he's probably toxic unless cooked.
}
} S: Very true, sir!  Very good, sir!  I had to try, sir!  Hi de die, sir!
}    Very well, sir!  I'll try again, sir!  ... Ho de doom de doom de ho
}    de aye de doom de aye, should we kill or should we slay, or bake him
}    in a brick of clay, ho de doom de doom de aye.... I have it, sir!  We
}    should hang him over a great big vat, cut his throat, let all the
}    blood drain into the vat, marinate him for several hours in latex and
}    glycerine, and bake him with his underwear around his knees.  Then
}    serve him with baked potatoes and creamed onions.
}
} O: Very good, except for the latex and glycerine.  How about Burgundy
}    and garlic instead?
}
} S: I should say so, sir!  I can't say no, sir!  Mega-right-O, sir!
}
} O: Go to it, then.  Send it to the White House, by the way; I wouldn't
}    eat such a food as that.
}
} S: I should think not, sir!  That's what I thought, sir!  Don't eat such
}    rot, sir!  It's not so hot, sir!
}
} [click]


102-04    (02342 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have bronchitis or layrngitis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come closer and let the Oracle examine you in detail.  Please take off
} your clothes.  And sit up here on this table.  And put this on, yes, I
} know it's a little tight, but, there, doesn't that look nice?
}
} Mmmm.  The Oracle likes that.  Now open your mouth real wide and let the
} Oracle, uhm, look inside...
}
} The Oracle has oh so very deeply pondered your question.  The answer is
} yes, you have bronchitis or layrngitis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tounge-depressor and here, develop this roll of
} film for me.


102-05    (13412 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You recently told someone that if cum were black it would be gross.  I
> have to take issue with this.  I don't think it's possible to wear too
> much black.
>
> Have you been letting the janitor answer your mail again, oh Great and
> Wonderous Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!  Don't inslut me!  I mean, don't inslut my janotir!  I'm a darn
} good janotir!


102-06    (0001a dist, 4.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sixty hertz if you're in America.
} Fifty hertz if you're in England.
}
} Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.
} C over lambda if you're a physicist.
} Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
} if you're a surfer.
}
} Once every two years if you're a governor.
} Once every four years if you're the President.
} Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.
}
} Four times a day if you're normal.
} Four times a week if you're dehydrated.
} Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.
} Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.
}
} Once or twice a day if you're normal.
} Once or twice a week if you're constipated.
} Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.
}
} Six times a week if you're normal.
} Zero if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
} Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
} Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
} Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
} lives down the street.
} Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.
}
} Three per session if you're normal.
} Zero per session if you're impotent.
} Zero per session if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
} One per session if you're old.
} Ten per session if you're horny.
} Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
} years on a Navy sub or a state prison.  Gradually tapers to three
} per session.
}
} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.
} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
} Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
} didn't really count because neither of you came, right?
} Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
} Twice a day for the first two years.
} Once a day for the next three years.
} Four times a week for the next five years.
} Twice a week for the next five years.
} Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
} for the next ten years.
} Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part.
}
} Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.
} Once every two years if you're a Physics major.
} Once every three weeks if you're an English major.
} Once every week if you're an Art major.
} Twice a week if you're a stripper.
} Three times a week if you're a high school football player.
} Four times a week if you're a frat boy.
} Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.
} Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.
} Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
} Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo.
} Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.
} Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.
} Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
} Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
} many different positions if you're Lisa.
} Zero if you're John Holmes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pipe dream.  And a signal generator.


102-07    (00353 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, What shall I do after I graduate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [gaze into crystal ball.]
}
} 1.  You will drink three large beakers full of champagne.  You will
}     then take a bath in the stuff.
} 2.  Your roommate's parents will choose this moment to come up to your
}     room to sit down for a while.  You confront them without clothing,
}     reeking of alcohol.  They pass out, totally astounded by the
}     magnitude of your reproductive organs.
} 3.  A strange carnivorous flower will blossom on the floor of the room.
}     While the roommate's parents are unconscious, it eats their feet.
}     You watch, not comprehending.
} 4.  The flower vanishes.  You gawk.
} 5.  They wake up.  Being lawyers, they blame you for their new footless
}     state.  They do not believe your story about the carnivorous flower.
}     They limp and wobble out of the room, planning a lawsuit.
} 6.  Your girlfriend shows up.  She, too, does not believe the story.
}     To calm you down, she removes her clothing and pushes you backwards
}     onto a bed.
} 7.  Your boyfriends shows up as well.  He was not aware that you had a
}     girlfriend.  She was not aware that you had a boyfriend.  The two
}     happen to be seniors majoring in Superheroism.  Your boyfriend pulls
}     out a High Energy Bolt Emitter which he built as a senior project.
}     Your girlfriend kicks the gun out of his hand.  It fires as it
}     leaves his hand, and there is a large hole in the roof.  She then
}     kicks him in the jaw, knocking him unconscious.  Then she clobbers
}     you, and stuffs you into a desk drawer.
} 8.  Your boyfriend wakes up.  He looks at you in the drawer, and slams
}     it closed.
} 9.  Your sheepfriend shows up, rather tipsy.  He sits down and waits
}     for you to get back.  After some time, he decides to dress up as
}     you.  He goes into the drawer to get out a pair of your see-thru
}     polkadotted bikini briefs.  He discovers you instead.
} 10. He pulls you out of the drawer.  You are barely able to stand up
}     straight.  He pushes you on the bed and proceeds to have his way
}     with you.  It is not as much fun for you as when you can move.  It
}     is considerably more fun for him.
} 11. While this is going on, your cowfriend shows up.  She did not know
}     you had a sheepfriend.  He did not know you had a cowfriend.
} 12. What happens next is not very nice.
} 13. You and your sheepfriend have some very fresh hamburgers and some
}     very stale Dorritos.  Your sheepfriend explains in low, serious
}     terms that he cannot continue to date anyone who is sexually
}     attracted to kine.  He can still have sex with you, as he proceeds
}     to demonstrate in an unusually painful way.  He leaves.  You try to
}     figure out how to clean yourself up.
} 14. Your professor in Applied Metaphysics calls up to tell you that
}     you forgot to turn in the term paper for his class, and your degree
}     has been rescinded.
} 15. In despair, you call your poodlefriend.  He quickly dashes over
}     from the other side of campus to comfort you.  You carefully lock
}     the door as he puts his warm, wet nose in your bottom.
} 16. Your pterodactylfriend shows up at the window.  For the third time
}     that day, your penchant for not telling your sexual partners about
}     each other gets you in trouble.
}
} I could go on, but I think you get the point.  After a week or so you go
} through all your lovers of your undergraduate career.  Then you take a
} job at IBM's BSDG (Bovine System Development Group) and start going
} steady with a herd of cows.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you will never, never ask me about
} your sexual problems.


102-08    (05420 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they put things in vitamins for which an RDA has not been
> established left?  Isn't it possible they could be seriously overdosing
> us with a mineral that may prove to be deadly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh condom poster-child...
}
} I'm afraid you must be terminated.  You have stumbled upon the greatest
} secret kept by world-governments :  OHSHIT (Overpopulation Hazard
} Solution by Harboring Insidious Toxins).  It is a project to decrease
} the world- overpopulation crisis by using toxic minerals in everday
} vitamins.  In fact, many victims of AIDS and drunk-driving accidents
} are, in reality, just a cover-up.  Remember Rock Hudson?  Jimmy Hoffa?
} Ghandi????
}
} Well, my curious friend, you have just joined that list.  You are to die
} in a vasoline overdose involving some guys you met at a bar.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Flintstone Vitamins.


102-09    (02423 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think of the U.S.  invasion of Panama?  Do you think Noriaga
> is guilty of the charges against him?  Please explain your reasoning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I'm not gonna tell you again:  your poly sci professor gave YOU
} this question to answer, not me.  This is YOUR assignment, not mine.
} Getting me to write your report would further your education no more
} than a sorority girl would further hers taking a bubble bath with a
} computer science geek.
}
} You might as well face the facts:
} 1. The assignment is due in less than a week.
} 2. I have neither the time nor the inclination to research and type a
}    double-spaced ten page report explaining why I think Noriega is a
}    horse's ass.  Not to mention why I think the CIA is a horse's ass.
} 3. If you're gonna get this thing done on time, you're gonna have to
}    make sacrifices.  I know you were planning to spend the week in
}    Vail with that bimbo from 'SC; she's just gonna have to wait until
}    your paper is written.  Besides, she's ovulating this week and
}    she's not on the pill.
}
} And to think I might not have caught on had you not asked me to
} explain my reasoning.  Sheesh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bubble bath with Lisa.


102-10    (02360 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the longest dildo you have ever used on yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About yay big.  I remember that because when Lisa finally got it in all
} the way, we applauded "yay!" I was appointed the net.suppleness.god for
} a day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better onomatopoeia for applause than "yay!"


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org