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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Orrie, baby! How's it hangin'? > >      Lissen, Orrie, got me a problem, thought "hey, who's best at >      problems -- Orrie, right? Yeah! I'll ask Orrie!" So, have your >      people call my people, lemme know what y'think. Here's the deal, >      m'man: this Titanic flick was great, so now, guess what, big >      surprise, they want a sequel.  And it's got to have that Lenny >      Deprecio whatshisname, the kid from the first one, in it. > >      So he snuffed it in the first one, no problemo, guys come back >      from the dead all the time. What I need to know, and you're the >      guy who knows, is what kinda disaster can I do to top all this >      other stuff?  Volcanos have been done, asteroids and comets are >      all gonna be done, so what kinda big effects should I be looking >      for, and how should Theo Radiccio whatshisname bite it this time? > >      Ciao, baby! Luvya. > >      Jim C

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple. Have the picture produced by Kevin Costner. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber raft.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Mostly Wise, please answer this humble supplicant and > enlighten me on a very important matter (if I can judge it myself). > > I was reading the Selfish Gene book from Richard Dawkins and got > increasingly scared. Is it true that we are no more than just machines > built by our genes so that they can reproduce? If so, what are they up > to now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Well, as near as our 'recon' department can tell }       us, we believe that they are- } } (crashed, bombs exploding, screams.) } } Strange Voice: Resting. Doing absolutly nothing. Honest. }       By the way... have you thought about maybe }       starting a hostile takeover bid-I mean Marriage? } } You owe the "Oracle" some more cookies, for these } selfish fat-genes! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, you are innovative and cutting edge! You contain general >   background information on joyous activities! You are just like >   thoughts emerging from a void into a non-void! Please answer my >   humble question that I address to you from the floor before you; > >   What shape is time? Is it a line that starts at one point and >   ends at another? Or does it start at a point and go on forever? >   Or is it a circle? Or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, time has shape in much the same way that a point has volume, } only the other way around.  This may sound lame, but I'm reduced to } metaphors here, much the same way you would be in trying to explain } color to a person blind from birth.  And the universe is stranger than } you can see. } } Well, because I like your grovel, I'll try again.  If the extant of } time were perceived as a shape by someone with mortal senses, it would } "look" like ...  <squints> } } ... a cream-filled doughnut.  With sprinklies on top. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of a book by Douglas Hofstadter } explaining Feynman Integrals in terms that Homer Simpson can } understand.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are like a paradise without snakes or their eyes... > > I heard they have totally re-designed Purgatory... is this so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but since it is now a Microsoft product, you can expect some } considerable delays in getting a release.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I hope you will see fit to enter into my limited mortal > knowledge base, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and > embrace Truth, I seek answers Oracle Most Wise, from you. > > Jockeys -and- boxers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a question like that, I don't know why you need to be inebriated. } You obviously already are.  Not even a decent grovel. *SIGH*  Oh well. } Here goes. } } Just because jockey shorts are called jockey shorts, that doesn't mean } jockeys can't wear boxers.  Therefore, it's completely feasable to find } jockeys and boxers existing peacefully.  I mean even short guys who } ride horses like a little freedom, if you know what I mean. } } You owe the Oracle a decent grovel and a 1.75 liter bottle of good } irish whiskey..

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is wiser than Owl and Eeyore combined, who knows where the > North Pole is located in the Hundred Acre Wood, and knows how to catch > Heffalumps.  This supplicant of very little brain has a question: > > Why did Disney do that to A.A. Milne and E.H. Shepard's work, and what > divine punishment is being wrought on him even as I ask this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad news, Supplicant.  Since Walt is in cryonic suspension, he's not } dead yet, technically-- and thus his case has yet to come up before } the Judge of the Dead.  Milne himself is hopping mad, but all the } Trinity can do is point out that the Disney corporation IS defending } the copyright aggressively. } } This will have unusual effects down the road.  Around 2050, ten years } after immunology work finally defeats HIV and the various hemorrhagic } fevers, Western culture experiences one of its periodic shifts towards } widespread sexual activity.  Unfortunately, only a few years pass } before casual oral sex becomes a vector for a new spongiform } encephalopathy prion.  The CDC responds with its usual public } education blitz, licensing the Pooh character from Disney for a series } of ads built around the slogan, "Eat honey, not honey pots."  Around } 2100, Pooh becomes a kitsch sex figure-- similar to Bettie Page's } current status-- and festishists go so far as to have semipermanent } elective surgery to LOOK like Pooh. } } Disney gives up and drops the copyright around 2110; by then, the } popular image of Pooh and his friends bears as little resemblence to } Milne's original as vampire Goths currently bear to Stoker's original } Dracula.  By 2165, Pooh is remembered only in history archives and on } fans' grid pages.  When Walt Disney is finally revived in November, he } takes one look at how the common people of Europe, Japan, and the } Americas live under the iron rule of DisneyCorp, and commits suicide. } Since that's a mortal sin, he's reincorporated in the form of a } spreading chestnut tree in the Wood of Suicides.  Taking pity on him, } the Trinity allows Milne and Shepard to spend one day out of every } century visiting. } } You owe the Oracle a stuffed Bettie Page.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh effluvious Oracle, whose glawanism shines brighter than a wurkle - > > how can I live forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. } } You owe the Oracle a paradox.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear "Too embarrassed to ask" of Moose Lick, } } Yes, I do know what you were going to ask. Yes, I can help. Your } problem can be broken into three main questions; to avoid further } embarrassment, I'll simply supply the answers. } } 1) Yes, Trojan make them that small, but you have to order them direct. } } 2) Some of the recent advances in decontamination techniques may offer }    some hope, since you say you've tried every type of deodorant. Look }    in the White Pages for your nearest Nuclear Waste Extraction }    Facility. } } 3) It's not uncommon for young men going through the changes of puberty }    to experience this type of feeling. For a forty-two-year-old still }    living at home, it's pretty screwed up, though. } } I hope this shines a ray of hope into your otherwise bleak existence. } } Yours helpfully, } }            "Ask Orrie" } } PS. The neighbors are becoming suspicious about their missing pets. }     Best to lie low for a while.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise; > > Why do cigarette companies still grow tobacco in the USA? Couldn't > they escape all the legal problems by moving their operations to, say > Columbia or Liberia, where their deep pockets would allow them to > buy the government outright? Then they could do anything they wanted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's a good idea.  There's all that space in the Sahara } desert that isn't being used for anything.  Why don't they just move } their operation there?  (Pregnant pause.)  BECAUSE IT'S THE DESERT! } BECAUSE NOTHING WILL GROW THERE! } } All right, all right, the Oracle knows you weren't referring to the } desert, but the Oracle had to stick in a joke before giving you a } serious answer, which doesn't happen often.  First off, most crops } won't grow any old place, they thrive better in specific climates. } But even assuming a suitable climate could be found, the tobacco } farmers of America would be extremely ticked off if the cigarette } companies moved their operations elsewhere, which the cigarette } companies wouldn't want, since the tobacco farmers are their } all-purpose excuse against tobacco being outlawed or even regulated, } to wit: } } Sen. Schmo: "You can't regulate tobacco, because it'll put tobacco } farmers from my state out of work." } } If farming operations were moved out of the country, he would have } to tell the truth, namely: } } Sen. Schmo: "You can't regulate tobacco, because R.J. Reynolds has } paid me 2 million dollars _this week_ alone." } } You Owe the Oracle a gas mask to wear to his neighborhood restaurants.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I find true happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since happiness is a warm gun, you should be able to find true } happiness by emptying another three or four clips. } } Just be careful where you point that thing. } } You owe the Oracle one hour's advanced notice of you achieving } your goal.