[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:26:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1021

Goto:
1021, 1021-01, 1021-02, 1021-03, 1021-04, 1021-05, 1021-06, 1021-07, 1021-08, 1021-09, 1021-10


Internet Oracularities #1021    (81 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 11:34:34 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1021
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1021  81 votes ffhld ilih7 eirg6 9jlo8 66fyk anpf8 6nwc8 2frqb 7imld 4exp5
1021  3.1 mean  3.0   2.7   2.8   3.0   3.7   2.9   2.9   3.4   3.2   3.2


1021-01    (ffhld dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot be with?
>
> _____________________________________________________________________
> You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
> Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
> Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Juno supplicant, eh? I *could* make this another "oh boy you juno
} people are stupid and we feel so much better than you because we have
} real internet access so there" answers, but I've decided to be nice.
} This time.
}
} Lemme read your question ...
}
} Hmmm ... no grovel ... well, I said was going to be nice, and not give
} in to the cliche' juno-bashing, so I'll overlook this flagrant breach
} of etiquette ... <grumble>
}
} > How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot be with?
}
} <sigh> Right, I've been toying with this idea for a while, and this is
} the last drop. As of now, the Internet Oracle is splitting in two
} parts. I have been receiving too many "Dear Abby" questions lately, so
} I'm delegating this kind of supplicants to "Dear Zadoc". ZADOC! You're
} on!
}
} [Zadoc]
}
} Zadoc: Hullo Dear Supplicant, how may I be of service?
}
} Supplicant: How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot
} be with?
}
} Zadoc: What's this, no grovel?! YOU PATHETIC FOOL! YOU MORONIC PIECE OF
} TOECHEESE! YOU ARE NOT FIT TO LICK MY TOILETBOWL AFTER A BAD CASE OF
} BURRITO INDUCED DIARRHEA! WORM! EAT MY STAFF OF ZOT!!
}
} <ZOT><ZOT><ZOT><ZOT>
} [a pile of ashes lies smoking where the supplicant used to be, Zadoc is
} panting and sweating hard, a trail of drool is running down his chin,
} his eyes are shifting back and forth rapidly]
}
} Zadoc: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE POWER! THE RAW, INCREDIBLE POWER!
} MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!
}
} Oracle: Oh dear, multiple exclamation marks ... I don't think he's
} quite ready for this job. Oh Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc: What do you want, you filthy grub! [pant pant]
}
} Oracle: Zadoc, drop the staff ...
}
} Zadoc: Never! Muhahahahaha! Stay away from me or I'll shoot!
}
} Oracle: Come on Zadoc, you don't really want to zot me, I'm your
} friend, the Oracle, remember?
}
} Zadoc: Oracle? Remember? I have the POWER! I don't need to remember
} anything!
}
} Oracle: Zadoc, if you don't drop the staff right now, your rubber ducky
} gets it! [holds up a rubber bath-type ducky, knife to its neck]
}
} Zadoc: Ducky! Let him go! Don't hurt him! If you hurt my ducky, I'll
} zot you!
}
} Oracle: Just drop the staff Zadoc, and I promise you can have your
} ducky back. I'll even let you go take a long bath with it ...
}
} Zadoc: Ducky ... staff ... ducky ... staff ... ducky!
} [He drops the staff, rushes over to the Oracle and takes the rubber
} duck. He cradles it to his chest and cuddles it while talking softly to
} it in a reassuring tone of voice. The Oracle calmly saunters over to
} the staff, picks it up and uses the precision settings to zot the
} rubber ducky into ashes. Zadoc doubles up in agony, goes into shock and
} starts sucking his thumb, mumbling "mommy ... mommy .." over and over
} again]
}
} Oracle: "filthy grub" indeed. Psah!
}
} You owe the Oracle some unnecessary cruelty.


1021-02    (ilih7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #! /usr/bin/perl -w
>
> $maxfork = 2**64;    # Need to fork a lot to escape attrition
> $forknum = 0;
>
> # Spawn maxfork copies of myself for grovelling.
>
> while (($forknum < $maxfork) and fork) {};
>
> (`/usr/local/bin/grovel --profuse --recipient='oracle@cs.indiana.edu'`)
>       or die ('Grovel failed -- ZOT!');
>
> # Spawn maxfork copies ((maxfork - number zotted)*maxfork in total now)
>
> while (($forknum < $maxfork) and fork) {};
>
> # Nail the sucker with a load of woodchuck questions!  That'll teach
> # him to tell me to get a life!
>
> exec (mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu -S="tellme" << EOT
> Oracle most wise,
> how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
> EOT)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} root@temple # cd /usr/bin
} root@temple # mv perl /usr/local/bin/
} root@temple # logout
}
} Hehehe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Camel book.


1021-03    (eirg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, you seem to have dropped your staff.  (Reaches down, picks
> up Staff of ZOT.)  That's funny.  What does this button do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Raises eyebrows, dives behind nearest priest> Who'd have thought he'd
} find the self-destruct on the first try?
} >zot<
} <brushes priest off (his sandals)>
}
} You owe the Oracle a new staff, preferably all gorgeous blondes.


1021-04    (9jlo8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Do your priests were special uniforms? If I saw one on the
> street how would I recognize them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's one way to find out. This is Steve Kinzler here. As you might
} guess from someone who has created The Oracle, I choose my priests in
} a rather, shall we say, unusual way. I give them one chance, only one
} chance, and they either take that chance, or they ruin it. This is your
} chance. Do you want to be a priest, do you want to know all the inside
} jokes? Do you want to see the extremely funny jokes that are too
} obscene for the digest? If so, think carefully.
}
} Basically, to become a priest, I make you humiliate yourself.
} Publically. In the newsgroup. You have to repeat something I tell you,
} a key sentence, word for word.
}
} Your key word is "I've got a whole collection of nude pix that I've
} collected from websites on my home page. Cum and have a look, you
} won't be disappointed."
}
} And no, don't think you can outfox me by putting it into a context that
} makes it not embarrassing. You must put it in, as is, with the meaning
} as is, and accept any flaming that you may get.
}
} If you look through the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d, you'll find that
} every one of my priests has posted something equally stupid to the
} newsgroup a short while before becoming a priest. It's like an
} initiation ceremony.
}
} Once I see the post, I'll add you to the priests lists, and set up
} the software to send you Oracularities for selection or deletion.
} But, you must post without doubting. If I see any sign that you're
} doubting, or asking if this is true, then say goodbye to the
} priesthood.
}
} Oh, and you have to tell me the names of the people who complain that
} they can't find the pix.
}
} You have seven days. And no, you can't become a priest later on by
} some other means. This is it, your one chance.
}
} Gad, I'm evil, aren't I.
}
} Join us.
}
} Steve Kinzler.


1021-05    (66fyk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o/` one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.  two can be as bad
> as one; it's the loneliest number since the number one, ohhh o/`

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you a lonely number?  Do you need a binary operator to get you
} together with another number?  Do you dream of finding your complex
} conjugate?  Now you can, for FREE!  For a limited time, the Matrix
} Hotline is offering a special, FREE, one-time trial!  Call now, this
} offer ends soon!  For a limited time, you can be put in a matrix with
} at least fifteen other numbers, where you will be FREE to add,
} multiply, and just plain conjugate with all the numbers there.  All for
} FREE. Please have a major credit card ready.
}
} Here's what numbers are saying everywhere:
}
} 5 (formerly -5): "It changed my sign!  Now I'm much more positive!"
} pi : "It turned my world round!"
} e : "It felt natural!"
} i : "Before i called the Matrix Hotline, even my friends thought i was
}      imaginary.  But on the Hotline i got together with some REAL
}      numbers, and now my social life is complex!"
} 4 : "I used to be lonely as a perfect square, but on Matrix Hotline met
}      irrational and imaginary numbers, and now I know everyone is a
}      square!  And 6 and 28 showed me what being perfect *really* means!
}      Those guys sure can sum their factors!"
}
} Call now!  This special offer ends soon!  We have infinitely many prime
} numbers waiting to meet you.  All for FREE!  You owe the Oracle your
} Visa/MasterCard/AMEX number!


1021-06    (anpf8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, no, another question written in invisible electrons.  Harrumph.
} "Zadoc!"
}
} SFX: Slamming of doors, crashing of boxes, heavy panting.
}
} "Yes, oh wisest of the wise?"
}
} "I have an invisible message here.  Take this monitor and squeeze some
} lemon juice on it, and then hold it over a candle until the message
} appears."
}
} "Right away."
}
} "And use fresh lemons, mind you."
}
} "Absolutely, sir."
}
} "And no citronella candles, either, they stink up the place."
}
} "Right."
}
} "Now, begone!"
}
} [Later...]
}
} Hmm, wonder what's taking him so long...I'm tired of recomputing pi to
} the e.  "Zadoc!"
}
} SFX: As before.
}
} "At your service, he-whose-nose-is-worshipped-by-all-rhinoplasty-
} practitioners."
}
} "Well, worm, were you able to decipher the message?"
}
} "Oh, yes, it was actually quite interesting!  It seems this fellow is
} being followed by CIA agents, so he couldn't send his query by normal
} means...it seems he accidentally saw some documents he shouldn't have,
} and black helicopters have been chasing him for days!  He eluded them
} by hiding in a steamer trunk for three days, but they're on his trail
} again, and he's running out of money, so now he wants to know how he
} can escape and lead a normal life again!"
}
} "Hmm, quite dramatic.  How was his grovel?"
}
} "Oh, well, um...he was probably in a bit of a hurry, you know, what
} with the death nipping at his heels and all..."
}
} "No grovel?"
}
} "Well, there was _sort_ of a grovel, I mean, it wasn't very good, but
} surely we could overlook that under the circumstances..."
}
} "I'm waiting."
}
} "Um...his grovel was basically...'Dear Oracle'.  You see?  He considers
} you very _dear_ to his heart!  Right?"
}
} "Your generosity of spirit is admirable, yet pathetic, Zadoc.  You know
} and I know that his grovel just isn't sufficient.  Still, clearly he
} needs some advice.  Very well--let Og answer him."
}
} "As you wish."
}
} [Later...]
}
} >Og say hit bad men many time with spiky club!  If lose spiky club then
} >run like girl from bad men, hide in cave, play dead.  Og have spoken.


1021-07    (6nwc8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. T. I. Oracle,
>
> If your enclosed personal special number comes up in our random draw,
> we will say to you, MR. T. I. ORACLE, YOU WIN $10,000,000.00!!!!*
>
> But we can't do it alone!  Oh no, it's not nearly that easy... what,
> you think we're just giving this large sum of money away without
> making you work for it?  Of course not, stupid!!!
>
> In order for you to win the 10 MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE two things must
> first occur:
>
> First, your enclosed personal special magical mystery number must
> come up in our special non-fat asbestos-free environmentally friendly
> random number drawing which will be supervised by a young Buddhist
> eunuch named Harvey and Mr. J. Erwin Spudlicker of the accounting
> firm Price Waterhouse.
>
> Second, you must return the enclosed super-absorbent new-and-improved
> low-sugar high-fibre non-toxic pizza-flavoured envelope, with your
> enclosed personal special magical mystery lucky transcendental
> luminous orgasmic number in the envelope, along with the names,
> addresses, and phone numbers of everyone you know and several people
> you don't know so we can sign you all up for AS&S Friends, Enemies &
> Strangers Long Distance Service immediately.**
>
> And just in case we didn't mention it, the second thing must occur
> first, and then the first thing can occur second, after the second
> thing has already occurred.
>
> So remember, MR. T. I. ORACLE, act soon, because this offer is good
> only in a limited window of space-time that will end at our discretion!
> Good luck, Mr. Oracle, and please hurry or else you will miss this
> once in a lifetime opportunity!***
>
> Whaddya say about that, Mr. Oracle?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Bolivian Family Publishing House Sweepstakes, Inc.
>
>   * to be paid in monthly instalments of $14.50 for a period of 57,471
>     years and 3 months, and then a final instalment of $2.50, payments
>     ceasing on the death of the prizewinner
>  ** inclusion of names, addresses or phone numbers of any third parties
>     in sweepstakes entry constitutes authorization to cancel current
>     long distance services for those people/addresses/phone numbers and
>     subscribe same to AS&S Friends, Enemies & Strangers Long Distance
>     Service at a rate corresponding to 277% of the normal long distance
>     rate for said service
> *** failure to respond immediately to this mailing constitutes
>     permission to bombard your address with future mailings at the rate
>     of 1 per week, starting next week and increasing exponentially until
>     the world paper shortage crisis hits

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on a second, can't you see I'm on the phone?
}
} [Yes, that's great, John. If they're ready to sign, I am. Just let me
}  fax it through... Okay, great talking to you. Bye.]
}
} Where were we? Ah, yes. Your amazing offer. It will no doubt interest
} you to know that your company has just this minute been bought out by
} Oracle Holdings PLC. As a result, all employees responsible for sending
} junk mail to omniscient beings of any sort are in for a bit of a rough
} ride.
}
} Of course, Oracle Holdings PLC believes in full employment, so your job
} is safe with us. However, you are being transferred to a new department
} in another subsiduary company: Artistic Supplies Ltd.
}
} We hope you will enjoy your new job.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. Just be sure you're not late for your first
} day as a nude model at the North Polar open-air art institute.


1021-08    (2frqb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What fresh new hell is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's new improved Pine-Scented Hell!  25 percent fresher than the
} leading soul incarceration center, new Pine-Scented Hell does away
} with the pesky smell of burnt flesh, cited by top demons as the leading
} cause of job dissatisfaction.  Now you can enjoy the tortured screams
} of the damned while you're surrounded by the invigorating aroma of a
} lush mountain forest!  So sharpen your pitchfork -- and breathe deep!
} (Also available in Potpourri and Lemon.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the collected Dorothy Parker.


1021-09    (7imld dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't this stupid school computer have arrow keys or the
> ins/del/home/end/pgup/pgdn block?  And it only has 10 Function keys!
> and only ONE alt and only ONE ctrl and it's switched places with
> CAPS LOCK!  Aiieeeee!!!
>
> Oracle most asciish, please explain!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now listen to me youngster, with all yer whinin' 'bout "Oh, I don't
} have a key here" and "Oh, where's THAT key" and "Oh no, I can't find
} an arrow key!"  You aughter' feel LUCKY you got so many dagnabbin'
} keys on yer keyboard!  Why, I recall the days when I first started
} using cormputers and we dinnt have NEAR so many keys on our keyboards.
} Why we dinnt have none 'O them fancy-schmancy FUNCTION keys, and we
} dinnt have none 'O them frilly-panty-wearin' CURSOR keys, and dinnt
} have none 'O them thar' waistcoat-sportin' seegar-smokin' KEYPAD
} keys neither!  No we damn hell dinnt!
}
} Why when I first started usin' a cormputer we had just ONE dagnabbin'
} key!  And it was a ZERO key.  So lemme tall ya sonny-boy, it wern't
} easy tryin' ta' write up them thar RESEARCH papers and whatnot just
} usin' a ZERO key (Why, it wern't for nigh on sev'n years a'fore
} we finally gots ourselves a ONE key yer gum-chewin' baseball-card
} cerllectin' pansy!)  and I ain't even gonna get STARTED on the
} PROGRAMS we hadda write back then.  (A game just in'nt all that fun
} when all yer gets is a big ZERO on the screen and you just keep hittin'
} ZERO ter shoots ZEROS at it until the ZERO goes away and the screen
} lights up with ZEROS and then it comes back later and yer starts all
} over again, and NOBODY never got a score HIGHER than _ZERO_!  *huff*
} *puff* Yer gonna gimme a heart-attack I swear it yer little knee-bitin'
} paper-hat-wearin' hoodlum!)
}
} So next time yer feel like complainin' 'bout not havin' none 'O
} them FANCY NANCY KEYS on yer keyboard, just feel lucky you got ANY
} keys a'tall!  Thanks ter hard workin' folks like myself who SWEATED
} and SLAVED THEIR YOUTH away just so you ingrates nowadays can have
} an extra function key or two (that you never even USE may I add, yer
} glue-sniffin' telephone-stealin' punks!)  and all yer can do is WHINE
} 'bout it and yer dinnt even give me a good grovel!  Why I'm of half
} a mind ter get outs my ZOT staff and give ya' a good wallop like yer
} pappy aughter'a done long time ago.  'ceptin I don't remember where
} I left it....
}
} And I ain't no ASCII neither.  I'm EBCDIC.  (Cain't even get THAT
} straight these good-fer-nothin' hog-dog-peelin' little cat stuffers!)
}
} You owe the Oracle an 'ANY' Key and the knowabouts where he done put
} his false teeth.


1021-10    (4exp5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Did scrolls have any advantages over the way we now-a-days
> bind written material into books?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, yes, supplicant!  They enormously simplified the task of copying
} or scanning documents.  All you needed to do was to feed one end
} of your scroll into the machine and minutes later you would have a
} duplicate ready, or a copy stored in the machine.  And you could fax
} a whole book with no difficulty!  No need to unbind books or reports!
} No need to use sheetfeeders prone to jamming if you use the wrong
} paper!
}
} Why, my good friends Xeroxes the Greek and Gestetner of the Germanic
} tribes both campaigned long and hard against the introduction of the
} bound book, but were eventually unsuccessful.  The collapse which
} resulted when traditional office technology could no longer deal with
} the new formats, coupled with the year 0 problem, led to the fall of
} the Roman Empire, the Dark Ages and Microsoft.
}
} You owe the Oracle an upgrade path from UNIVAC to Windows 98.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org