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Internet Oracularities #1022

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Internet Oracularities #1022    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 31 May 1998 14:31:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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message).  For example:
   1022
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1022  86 votes bEnb1 airla 2kxm9 3eumh 4uxf4 5qmlc 8ilsb 7uko5 4duy5 4zse5
1022  3.0 mean  2.4   3.0   3.2   3.4   2.8   3.1   3.2   2.9   3.3   2.8


1022-01    (bEnb1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who is perfect just is thou is, unlike us
> liposuction addict, plastic surgeryised, and generally much played
> around with supplicants.
>
> Oracle, we all know about fairytales where frogs are kissed and they
> turn into princes. What kind of fairytales do frogs tell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm glad you asked that, supplicant! Your question provides me with the
} excuse to create a list of bad puns, a thing which I dearly love.
}
} Some of the more popular frog fairy tales include:
}
} "Beauty and the Bullfrog"
} "Little Green Water-Lily"
} "Mudella"
} "The Contract with America"
} "The Three Tadpoles"
} "Croaking Beauty"
} "Toad Lake"
}
} I could continue, but I'm afraid that would be a violation of the
} Geneva Convention.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Grimm's Unabridged Fairy Tales for Dingos.


1022-02    (airla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The metric system is the tool of the Devil!  My car gets forty rods to
> the hogshead and that's the way I likes it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Praise the Lord, Brother Supplicant.  Let us now read from the Book of
} Measurements.
}
} Chapter 10
}
} 1  And lo, upon the great hill there stood a shadow, and his message
}    unto the people was the Metric System.
} 2  "Listen unto me, that thy mind might be sectioned into round tens,
}    and thy soul be mark'd in cents, kilos, and millis."
} 3  And the shadow was Evil, and the people knew it to be so.  And
}    their resistance surged, but the Evil was upon them.
} 4  There began the resizing of the products, where hereuntofor the
}    pounds became as kilograms, and the inch became as centimeters.
} 5  And Evil reigned, and many a cake was ruin'd.
} 6  The Lord saw the Evil, and because he loved his children, the Lord
}    smote the Metric System, lest it not return until the prophesized
}    times of faithlessness, rebellion, and rock music.
} 7  And the Lord declared that until the approach of that age, there
}    shalt be the following system of measurement to be observed by his
}    followers:
} 8  "Let the rod be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no more
}    than the size of the smallest rod that holds up thy rabbi's tent;
} 9  "Let the blotchitt be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no
}    more than the steps between the watering hole of Ishraham and the
}    oasis of Estelahashabah, but that the blotchitt not be less than
}    thirtsix rods;
} 10 "Let the venrim be that amount of volume that is the rod or
}    blotchitt when the measurement is dry;
} 11 "Let the hogshead be the distance wherein the rabbi can roll a swine
}    carcass away from thine village to follow the law of kosher;
} 12 "Let the foot be the length of the rabbi's foot wherein it is
}    measured from the rabbi's middle toe to his heel;
} 13 "Let the pound be that amount of weight wherein it is equal to
}    the number of beatings required to drive a thief from thine village;
} 14 "Let the weensy be that amount of weight wherein no thief is known
}    unto the village, thus the weensy be that amount wherein the largest
}    goat can defecate in one afternoon;
} 15 "And let the gring be that speed wherein one can travel one hogshead
}    per midmorning by camel that is fed six rods of corn, or three
}    hogshead per day by cart measuring six feet by two feet by four feet
}    laden with 18 weensies of goat dung.
} 16 "Let these measurements be so, for it is the will of thy Lord that
}    it be so, and thy Lord will smite thee if thou does not perpetuate
}    this system."
} 17 And the people knew it was so, and the rabbis knew that resisting
}    the Metric System meant resisting understanding the Lord's realm
}    called Science, so the rabbis spread the word of the Lord's system,
}    and all was good.
}
} You owe the Oracle the full text of the Book of Armaments.


1022-03    (2kxm9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, trees grow better if you look at them, if you were to sit on a
> rock it would take on a luster and sheen that could blind a person at
> 100 paces. You are truly amazing, and I for one am honored to be able
> to ask you this question.
>
> What would I find if I looked in the glove boxes of autos owned by
> leaders of the G7?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jacques Chirac - A voodoo talisman of Jean-Marie Le Pen and several
} long sturdy pins.
}
} Ryutaro Hashimoto - A collection of Asia's prime stock certificates
} currently being used as moist towelettes, a copy of Taichi Sakaiya's
} "Japan: 2018," and a "Do-it-yourself Hari Kari kit."
}
} Helmut Kohl - An honorary degree from Cambridge and a box of reducing
} tablets.
}
} Tony Blair  - A pile of first edition euro's, a bus schedule and tokens
} (Just in case John Prescott Transportation White Paper gets strong
} backing) and a collection of Crowded House C.D.'s.
}
} Romano Prodi -  The title deed to the Colosseum and some letters of
} introduction from Tony Blair in regard to Rupert Murdoch.
}
} William J. Clinton -  A stash of old Big Mac wrappers, a pack of
} Trojans, a map of downtown Littlerock with  a collection of esoteric
} little red marks distributed around town and a little black book.
}
} Jean Chretien - A plain brown packet from Ross Rebagliati.
}
} You owe the Oracle a matched set of investment quality Krugeraands and
} a well appointed abandoned missile silo.


1022-04    (3eumh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O corporal Oracle, who is most capital!
>
> What is the difference between a cat o' nine tails and
> a cat o' nine lives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One is several taunting flails, while the other is flaunting several
} tails.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kinky cat.


1022-05    (4uxf4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most erudite Oracle, who knows the difference between omniscient and
> omnipotent, not to mention omnifarious, omnivorous, omnicompetent, and
> omnidirectional.  Why is it that some of your incarnations claim to be
> omnipotent as if the were not aware of the difference between that and
> omniscience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the omnigenous nature of my incarnations are
} omnipresent. I agree, they could certainly benefit from an omnirange as
} they ride the omnibus of incarnality.  However, their omnium-gatherum
} will likely only increase as their search for enlightenment moves
} beyond the prefix omni.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better thesaurus.


1022-06    (5qmlc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> We all have heard of the brave vikings, were there ever any emacskings?
> My guess is that if there were they were too bloated and too slow to
> get much done, as opposed to the lean and mean vikings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd be wrong.  You see, the emacskings could emulate the vikings when
} they wanted to (M-x vikings-mode).  But how much time do you really
} spend rampaging and pillaging, anyways?  When it comes to building
} empires, not to mention attracting the religious devotion of their
} followers, nothing beats an emacsking.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moat around Richard Stallman's castle.


1022-07    (8ilsb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Roland?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OracleMan: Holy wordplays Zadoc, a coded question!! To the anagram
} machine!!
}
} INPUT> Roland?
} PROCESSING...
} MOST LIKELY ANAGRAM: "No lard?"
} END
}
} Zadoc: Jeepers Oracle!! It's Juno again! He's taunting your pouch!!
}
} OracleMan: Never fear, Zadoc, I'm wearing my girdle! He won't find an
} ounce of fat on me!!
}
} [Sky window crashes and in flies Juno, dragging Lisa behind him as
} hostage!]
}
} Juno: Well, well OracleMan!! Don't move, or Lisa gets a WebTV account!!
}
} OracleMan: You fiendish fellon!!
}
} Zadoc: Let me take him, OracleMan!!
}
} OracleMan: No! Lisa could get hurt!! What do you want Juno!!
}
} Juno: I know you have lovehandles!! I want you to remove that girdle
} you're wearing, so I can ridicule you in front of all your fans!!
} Hahaha!!!
}
} Zadoc: Don't do it, OracleMan, think of the readers!! Your Image!!
}
} Lisa: He's right OracleMan, don't worry about me, I'll e-mail you from
} the other side, even if it is from a WebTV account!! <snif>
}
} OracleMan: No!! I cannot sacrifice you, Lisa!! I'll give in!!
} [removes girdle, belly plops out like a pregant whale]
}
} Juno: Hahaha!! I win!! You're a chubby chunkster!! Your image is gone!!
} Hahaha!!
}
} OracleMan whispers to Zadoc: He's distracted!! Get him!!
}
} ZOOM!!!!
} KAPOWIE!!!!
} BLADAAM!!!!
}
} [Juno is bound and gagged on the floor, OracleMan is holding Lisa and
} Zadoc poses for the camera, looking fierce]
}
} Lisa: Oh, OracleMan, that was so brave!! But what about your tummy-tums
} and your image?
}
} OracleMan: I was faking it!! I just relaxed my massive stomachmuscles
} and pretended to have a beergut!! I knew it was going to distract him!!
} See?
} [Pulls in gut again, shows off washboard stomach]
}
} Zadoc: Golly OracleMan, I sure hope to be as smart as you someday!
}
} All: Hahahaha!
}
} [Cue batman music, everyone does the batdance]
}
} You owe the Oracle a new "!" key. Mine seems to be all used up.


1022-08    (7uko5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wild and woolly Oracle, who is funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, more
> popular than Kelsey Gramar, and better looking that George Clooney,
> hear my plea!
>
> If you were to be a guest on The Daily Show, which Five Questions
> (tm) would you like to be asked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Can we please give you the combined income from all the commercials
}    on this Network for the rest of time?
}
} 2) Do you care if we hired terrorists to blow-up Juno world
}    Headquarters?
}
} 3) Can we declare September as an "All Grovels, No Questions" month?
}
} 4) Can we tell you again how beautiful Lisa is?
}
} 5) We weren't out of line by killing all the world's w..dch..ks
}    without consulting you first, were we?
}
} You owe the Oracle some prime time.


1022-09    (4duy5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose uvula I am unworthy to tickle:
>
> What exactly is the purpose of the uvula?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An excellent question, supplicant, and one whose answer has eluded
} modern medicine.  While commonly thought to be a vestigial growth
} with no function to speak of, the uvula (or, for those whose medical
} knowledge comes from reading old Far Side cartoons, "that thing that
} hangs down in the back of your throat") is actually a vital survival
} mechanism for modern man.
}
} Think about it:  Modern woman has every other advantage.  Between her
} PMS, her cycle, and her lower sex drive, the man's constant need for
} sex is thwarted.  Her greater quantity of clothing, shoes, and bathroom
} accessories deprive him of his need for space.  Her insistence on
} low-fat cuisine and dining at expensive restaurants make his favorite
} foods hard to come by.  The list goes on and on.
}
} The man's only recourse (especially now that major league sports
} are marketing themselves to women more) is to use his uvula.
} An instinctive survival mechanism kicks in while the man sleeps,
} causing the uvula to vibrate against the throat, and creating a deep
} roar that awakens the woman.  Of course, this causes some unpleasant
} side effects such as elbows in the ribs, but the man has gotten his
} purpose accomplished.  The fact that the sound is unintentional
} provides him with protection from the woman's normal defense of
} pouting.
}
} So, you see, supplicant, the ... oh, hi Lisa.  Nothing, just finishing
} up an answer.  Are you ready for bed?  Okay, I'll be right there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nightshirt with padded rib protectors.


1022-10    (4zse5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Horrific Oracle, you terrify me.  I run screaming, trying to escape
> your mighty ZOT, when I have not even mentioned woodchuxx.  My hair
> stands on end.  My toenails curl.  My belly-button lint catches
> on fire.
>
> That's not the end of my problems...  I wrote a song about you, but
> every time I sing it, people throw things at me.  How can I get them
> to appreciate good music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before each performance;
}
} * Stop running
} * Stop screaming
} * comb your hair back down
} * uncurl your toenails; and put on some socks and shoes
} * extinguish the fire in your navel
}
}  OR
}
} *take your act as is to Venice Beach, California.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of The Chainsaw Juggling Brothers' last
} show.


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