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Internet Oracularities #1024

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Internet Oracularities #1024    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Jun 1998 12:30:42 -0500 (EST)

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1024  84 votes 1eAq7 3mxn3 acwjb 1govc 5toi8 cqub5 6fmkl fpv94 7gso9 evpb3
1024  3.0 mean  3.3   3.0   3.1   3.4   2.9   2.7   3.4   2.5   3.1   2.5


1024-01    (1eAq7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wisest of the wise, wiser than a really really smart
> person and smarter than a really really wise person, who has more
> wisdom in his short hairs than he knows what to do with, please answer
> me this question:
>
> In old-time monster movies, whenever a rampaging mob gets together to
> lynch the monster, I can understand the ones who carry torches, I can
> understand the ones who carry knives, I can understand the ones who
> carry guns, I can understand the ones who carry pitchforks even, but
> what's up with the ones carrying rakes around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These are the ones who are too intelligent to get into direct
} confrontation with the monster.  The plan is to chase after the monster
} with the mob, but stay towards the back, so that you are not one of the
} ones who is eaten in the first clash.  Then, when everyone panics, you
} cleverly throw your rake on the ground with the prongs sticking upward
} in the monster's path, and run away with the rest of the mob.  The
} monster will chase you, and step on the prongs, causing the rake to
} flip up, bonk the monster on the head, and render it unconscious.
}
} That is the plan anyway.  Usually all they accomplish is throwing down
} the rake and running away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a monster movie about an animate pile of fallen
} leaves that goes around and messes up people's lawns.


1024-02    (3mxn3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wonderfully enlightened an tolerant oracle, can you help me?
>
> I have been selling tickets for the Spice Girls concerts, but now we
> are a girl short.
>
> Is there any chance that we could borrow Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally the answer would be yes, but Lisa just signed with a major
} recording artist, so she's not available. There are some other options,
} though:
}
}    Richard Branson - Beardy Spice
}    Tinky Winky - Telespice
}    Chris Evans - Ginger Spice Mk II
}    Gary Kasparov - Chess Spice
}    William Shatner - Spice: the final frontier
}    Bill Gates - Press Spice to continue
}    Flipper - Deep Spice
}    Spike Milligan - Old Spice
}    Roger Moore - The Spice who loved me
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of earplugs.


1024-03    (acwjb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Usenet Oracle, who also has the lesser distinction of
> being the internet oracle,
>
> I was over in comp.risks reading about the
> "You are now in France" attack, but my connection dropped before I
> could understand what it was.
>
> Can you explain the "You are now in France" attack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Supplicant, you were very lucky.
}
}      The 'You are now in France' attack is in fact a Trojan horse which
}      entices unsuspecting web users to a specific URL before spamming
}      five hundred people from your mail program, displaying awful jokes
}      in French on your screen, trashing your hard drive to the sound of
}      the French national anthem and then causing your entire system to
}      self destruct and emit the unmistakable aroma of garlic.
}
}      Other versions include:
}
}      'You are now a German tourist' where your system remains unusable
}      after 7am because a picture of a beach towel is permanently
}      displayed on your monitor.
}
}      'You are now a Chinese student' where you must perform any
}      instruction on screen otherwise a tank emerges from your floppy
}      drive slot and chases you round the room.
}
}      'You are now in England' where the screen displays messages such
}      as 'Please queue in an orderly fashion','Nice weather we're having
}      isn't it?','I say! Top hole, old bean!' and 'Roll out the barrel!
}      Strike a light, mate! Wotcha guv'nor! Up the apples and pears
}      darlin'. etc.
}
}      and 'You are now in an Italian car' where your system - when you
}      can get it started - screams along at an incredible rate before
}      the internal wiring shorts out and the casing rusts away.
}
}      So you see, supplicant you were extremely fortunate indeed. I
}      would suggest you steer clear of comp.risks for a while.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a copy of the Trojan horse 'You are locked in
}      an hotel room with all the Baywatch babes'.


1024-04    (1govc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> I read that the USA used 648,000,000 tons of coke to make steel in
> 1975. Wow! I had no idea how important soda was to my nation's
> industrial output! Are any other soft-drinks used by industry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You misunderstood the report, supplicant; they were referring to
} _cocaine_, not Coke.  Many other drugs are used in ways you might not
} expect--acid is used in making etchings, cattle barons rely on grass
} for their animals to graze on, and most every movie features an actress
} playing some sort of heroin.
}
} Despite your misinterpretation, soda is, in fact, also used in
} industry. For instance, the computer screen you're reading this on is
} made up of lots of tiny Sprites.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of ginger beer.


1024-05    (5toi8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Willie poisoned his father's tea;
> Father died in agony.
> Mother came, and looked quite vexed:
> "Really, Will," she said, "What next?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Willy smiled and kissed his mum
} Told her not to be so glum
} you never really liked him much
} and a lawyer would have cost us such
}
} This way you are free of him
} and you can marry uncle Tim
} Your face tells me that I am right
} to guess where you both were last night
}
} So, quiet Mum, don't start to fret
} There is no test invented yet
} can tell this from a simple stroke
} caused by the brand he used to smoke
}
} So get Tim on the phone and tell
} him to bring wine and chocs as well
} but don't wait up for I shall be
} talking to a drug company
}
} You owe the Oracle some cyanide, strawberry flavour.


1024-06    (cqub5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most marvellously masterful Oracle, pray manifest your magnificent
> magnanimity my way and answer my one and only pitiful question -
>
> How many Oracular priests does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None. They just look at the light bulbs that suplicants change and
} decide which ones are the best.
}
} You don't owe the oracle photos of all the light bulbs you've changed
} recently.


1024-07    (6fmkl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Please share with us a brief synopsis of World War IV.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right.
}
} Well, World War IV will not be a nice war, that's for sure. It breaks
} down like this:
}
} The Quite Large War, as it will be named, may be traced back to
} events in (surprise, surprise) Germany. In the year 2015, the fears
} of the German police are shown to be true by a sudden and remarkably
} bloodless coup d'etat by Fifth Master Kraus, the leader of the local
} Scientology chapter.  The Krausian government rules for a total of
} five days, before being squashed by militant soccer fans enraged by
} the German team's loss against Macedonia in a friendly game.
}
} The Football Revolt in Germany serves as a source of great inspiration
} to the British Republic's New Hooligan Movement, the leaders of which,
} following the example set by their continental counterparts,  throw
} Britain into a rather violent civil war. Two years later, order is
} restored under the rule and covenant of Lord Protector Paul Gascoigne.
} The Lord Protector, citing an obscure document later found to be
} written by himself, declares that Britain now is at war with Brasil,
} allegedly to "take back what is rightfully ours". (Actually, he wanted
} to reclaim the Falkland Islands, an archipelago under *Argentinian*
} rule.) The next day, Britain surprises the world by invading Holland.
}
} In the months that follow, British troops effortlessly secure their
} grip on the Dutch, and the Germans accidentally invade France (a
} long and embarassing story involving a group of drunken recruits, an
} armoured tank and a perhaps _too_ panicky French supreme commander).
} However, the fragile peace in Western Europe is shattered as the
} Russian President Yeltsin decides that he should ensure *another*
} reelection by invading Poland.  Unfortunately, the Russians have old
} maps, and grab quite a bit of Germany in the process. In an unprecedent
} alliance, the "Soccer Three" (Italy, Germany and England) go to war
} against Russia. After months of talk, the nations decide that the war
} will be fought in India, to "ease the stress on the people of Europe".
}
} Naturally, the Indians are not pleased at this decision, while their
} Pakistiani neighbours are overjoyed. In a fit of rage, the Indians
} let loose their fearsome Agni Nuclear Missiles, intending to destroy
} the cities of Rome, London, Berlin and Moscow. However, due to some
} faulty programming all the Missiles do are cross the border into
} China, fly perhaps three hundred meters and then fall to the ground
} with a "clankety-clank-puff-bonk" sound. To keep China out of India,
} and "out of the playing field", as it were, Russia invades the region
} of Manchuria.
}
} Some years of fighting ensue. Fortunately, due to the new and improved
} Geneva Conventions passed after WWIII (affectionately known as "the
} Big Bang") conventional weapons are no longer as lethal as they used
} to be.  Nuclear Weapons may be, but the Indians were the first to
} use them since the Big Bang. Casualties are at an all-time low, but
} tempers flare as high as ever. In an effort to join the fray, Nigeria
} and Brasil send a joint fleet of a thousand ships to the Indian Sea.
}
} Then, in 2020, the thirty United States of America get into the
} action.  [For an explanation of the number of states, I refer you
} to my excellent synopsis of "The Big Bang", also known as WWIII.]
} Seeing a need for decisive action (and being heavily sponsored by CNN)
} , President Perot decides to send the most fearsome force ever seen
} on the face of the Earth to India. He sends one man. One. Single. Man.
}
} In less than a year, all hostilities in India are halted. Having had
} the fear of God put in them by a true protector of Democracy, all the
} armies go home to their respective nations and promise to never do
} such a foolish thing again. Russia withdraws its troops from Manchuria,
} and France and Holland are freed. Peace and tranquility are restored.
} For an encore, Vice President Schwarzenegger drops by Vietnam and
} surprises the hell out of those guys.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apple pie.


1024-08    (fpv94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> jmmmmm  vv mkyyyyyyhklll

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know it's not bad when you fall asleep on the keyboard, but when
} you start to drool .... *shudder*


1024-09    (7gso9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this isn't a previously unannounced side-effect. This is what
} happens when you put the Viagra on the same shelf as the dog
} anti-depressants. They're both little blue pills - you should really
} have seen this one coming (if you'll pardon the expression).
}
} The effects should be wearing off by now, but I think your lady friend
} is pretty traumatised by the whole experience. And her stockings are
} ruined.
}
} You owe the Oracle a collar and leash.


1024-10    (evpb3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle with an IQ higher than the number of cents in Bill Gates'
> fortune, Oracle who's smelly socks I am not even worthy to contemplate,
> Oracle most wise in all aspects of life (except for spelling);
>
> Why is "humour" spelt wrong in "rec.humor.oracle"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think another incarnation would say "EAT FLAMING DEATH, BRITISH
} IMPERIALISTIC SCUM!!!", but I'll let that go.
}
} Technichally, the spelling is the American spelling; like all Usenet
} newsfroups.
}
} You owe the Oracle Manchester.


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