[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:14:10 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1025

Goto:
1025, 1025-01, 1025-02, 1025-03, 1025-04, 1025-05, 1025-06, 1025-07, 1025-08, 1025-09, 1025-10


Internet Oracularities #1025    (94 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:50:51 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1025
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1025  94 votes 8pvl9 7djwn 6lqoh 7tDe5 2vEj2 4gqrl 3lKg8 bAwc3 azuc7 dEkba
1025  3.0 mean  3.0   3.5   3.3   2.8   2.9   3.5   3.1   2.6   2.7   2.6


1025-01    (8pvl9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kay pass ah, hum bray?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Incarnation looked raised his eyes from his whiskey, and peered at
} the stranger across the brim of his Sombrero.
}
} "Ah Sed, 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!'", the stranger repeated.
}
} The Incarnation glanced the stranger over.  Knee-pads, tattered
} clothes, ragged appearance.  Yeap, this was a Supplicant.  The
} Incarnation slowly turned from his bar stool, the shot of whiskey he'd
} been nursing left forgotton on the bar.
}
} "Eye noe yoo arr en in car nae shun, yoo hav too an ser mie kwes tun!"
} the Strange Supplicant drawled, doing his best John Wayne impression,
} and failing miserably.  The barkeep began slowly edging his way away
} from the pair,  and the other clients began glancing nervously at each
} other.  The Incarnation merely raised his hand to adjust his sombrero,
} as a bead of sweat chased its way down his cheek.
}
} "Hay ken yoo heer mee?   Eye askt yoo 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!' ann yoo
} mus an ser mee in car nae shun!"
}
}                 ***ZOT***!
}
} The Bartender dove behind the bar as the Incarnation, with one smooth
} movement, drew his Wand of Zot(TM) and incinerated the Supplicant, who
} barely had time to shriek in pain.  Some fine ash drifted to the ground
} and landed on a single singed knee-pad, all that remained of the
} hapless Juno-ite.
}
} The Incarnation slowly turned back to his seat, and took a small sip
} from his whiskey, as the Bartender came up from behind the bar holding
} a dust pan and a plastic baggy.   The Bartender shook his head as he
} swept the remains of the supplicant into the bag, where they joined the
} ashes of countless other Juno and Hotmail users.  He let out a sigh as
} he returned to his place behind the bar, and refilled the Incarnations
} whiskey.  "Why do they INSIST on not grovelling?", the Bartender asked
} to noone in particular.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Phoentic Thesarus and a Mexican Cantina.


1025-02    (7djwn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <fx: click - TV bursts into life>
> ..nton was unavailable for comment.
>
> And now, with some late-breaking news of world-shattering significance,
> the Usenet Oracle, reporting from Indiana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, and welcome to the Oracle's computer news section. Today Microsoft
} shocked us all as they announced that their latest operating system -
} Windows 98 is to be renamed prior to launch as Diana, Princess of
} Windows.
}
} A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late
} ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flashy, be
} mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash
} spectacularly.
}
} And now for the weather ...


1025-03    (6lqoh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle most wise, you are the center of mass for wisdom,
>         your satellites are wit and insight! I ask your help;
>
>         What mixture of human traits and occupations should we
>         humans send to populate our 1st colony on Mars if we
>         want it to evolve into as perfect a world as it could be??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      As few as possible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a planet run by mice.


1025-04    (7tDe5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Ice-Aged, Neolithic, Evolutionary, Feathered  And
> Non-Flightless Oracle Who Knows About The Chicken And The Egg And All
> That Stuff, Please Tell Me
> What does ptarmigan ptaste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pterrible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ptastier ptable bird.


1025-05    (2vEj2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose knowledge is that of the Library of
> Congress,
>
> Why does my math teacher insist on teaching the hard way first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It is what is often called "weeding" (originally known as
}       "kill the weak").
}
}       You give the difficult explanations up front to scare off the
}       losers and the feeble. It is a time honored and effective way
}       of keeping Dangerous Knowledge from falling into the hands of
}       the riff-raff.
}
}       Why, we even use it here in the Digests; the first three
}       questions and answers are of an intense nature dealing with
}       obscure topics of interest only to specialists in a few very
}       narrow fields, this is to frighten off the casual observer.
}       The next three are usually absurd filler, to baffle and cloud
}       the minds of anyone who skipped down past the hard ones. The
}       third set of three is where we put The Big Truths for those in
}       the know. The last question is always a bogus -joke- question
}       and answer put in to confound anyone who should try and start
}       from the bottom.
}
}       You owe the Oracle your 8th child.


1025-06    (4gqrl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is,
>
> What would an X-Files and Teletubbies crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Johnson Residence
} Middlevale, New Hampshire
} May 31, 8:07 am
}
} [A small child is watching television.  Suddenly, the child's face
} hardens, and he gets up.  He goes to the kitchen and gets a knife.  The
} child is seen pushing the door to a room open.  Moments later, screams
} are heard. Fade to black, cue X-Files intro.]
}
} [Mulder is showing Scully a file.  Scully looks mildly revolted.]
}
} Scully: You say a three year old child did this?
}
} Mulder: That's what the report said.
}
} Scully: Mulder, that's impossible.  Someone is clearly covering up a
} brutal murder by blaming an innocent and most likely traumatized child.
}
} Mulder:  I don't know about that, Scully.  I've got X-Files dating back
} to 1996 of these incidents occurring in England.
}
} Scully: I never heard about that.
}
} Mulder: They were kept quiet.  It seems the victims were mostly
} upper-class, and for the protection of those children involved, the
} media was lead to believe they were botched burglaries.  But it was the
} same thing every time - a kid is watching TV, and then all of a sudden
} goes insane and kills someone.  Now, I have a hunch about something.
} You stay here and maintain your confusion while I run around and get
} all the good action scenes.
}
} Scully: Wait, Mulder, where are you going?
}
} Mulder: To check out a hunch.
}
} Scully: You always say that.  Why won't you ever give me a straight
} answer?
}
} Mulder: Dramatic suspense.  Bye.
}
} [Mulder leaves.]
}
} Johnson Residence
} Middlevale, New Hampshire
} June 2, 2:34 pm
}
} [Mulder approaches the television with Generic Local Cop.]
}
} Mulder: You're sure no one changed the channel?
}
} Generic Local Cop: There's no reason why anyone would have.
}
} [Mulder turns on TV.  It comes on to channel 12.  Mulder looks pensive,
} then reaches for the TV Guide - Lance Henriksen is on the cover.
} Mulder flips through the TV Guide.]
}
} Mulder: What time of death did we say?
}
} Generic Local Cop: Sometime between 8:00 am and 9:00 am.
}
} Mulder:  The kid was watching something called Teletubbies.
}
} [Mulder's cell phone rings.]
}
} Mulder: Mulder.
}
} Scully: It's me.  I've been talking to the psychologist, and she says
} this kid seems normal.  The doctors did notice a weird growth on his
} head, though.
}
} Mulder: Weird how?
}
} Scully: Apparently it's some sort of antenna, growing from the middle
} of his head.  They can't explain it, and his health seems fine
} otherwise. Have you found anything?
}
} Mulder:  I'm not sure yet.  I'll meet you back at the office in a few
} hours.
}
} [Mulder hangs up.]
}
} [Back at the office, Mulder is showing Scully slides of Teletubbies.]
}
} Scully:  What the hell are those?
}
} Mulder: This is what the kid was watching just before killing his
} parents. They're Teletubbies.  It's a relatively new show here, but
} guess where it started airing in 1996?
}
} Scully: England?
}
} Mulder: Yup.  And the nannies of all of the children involved in the
} similar cases over there have confirmed that those kids watched the
} show regularly.
}
} Scully:  What's that coming out of their heads?
}
} Mulder: Each of the characters has a protrusion from the head.
}
} [Mulder shows the slide of a yellow Teletubby with a curled antenna.]
}
} Scully: That's what's growing out of the little boy's head!
}
} Mulder: That's Laa Laa.  Want to hear my theory?
}
} Scully:  I'm not sure.
}
} Mulder: I think this is a government conspiracy involving aliens.
}
} Scully: Big shocker.
}
} Mulder:  No, really.  This time they're letting these aliens disguise
} themselves as children's icons, while secretly brainwashing our young
} children to become their evil minions.
}
} Scully:  That doesn't explain why the kid is growing the antenna.
}
} Mulder:  It's a genetic agent triggered by subliminal psychosomatic
} stimuli.
}
} Scully:  How do they transfer the genetic agent in the first place?
}
} Mulder: Haven't you been watching the past few seasons?  They do it by
} crop dusting, vaccinations, and men in black suits.
}
} Scully:  Even if that were all true, why would they have the kids kill
} their parents?
}
} Mulder: To destroy the older generation faster and pave the way for
} hoards of mutant Teletubby kids who will take over the earth!
}
} Scully:  Oooookay.
}
} Mulder: Really!  It could happen!
}
} Cancer Man:  He's right, Scully.
}
} Mulder: You!
}
} Cancer Man: Indeed.
}
} Mulder: I thought you were dead!
}
} Cancer Man:  Duh.  I was guaranteed a part in the movie in my last
} contract.  They couldn't kill me off for real.
}
} Mulder: D'oh!
}
} Cancer Man: Indeed.  Anyhoo, now that you've figured out our plan, we
} have to destroy you once and for all.
}
} Scully:  Couldn't you just force us to run away from all the evidence
} and then you can conveniently have it stolen or destroyed?  That way we
} get to on, week after week, chasing your organization like blind rats
} in a maze, but never catching you?
}
} Cancer Man: Hmmmm....nah.  I'm sick of doing that.
}
} [Cancer Man pulls out a gun and blows the agents' heads off.]
}
} Cancer Man:  Well, that's that.  Now I'm off to a meeting with the
} Barney people.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plausible explanation as to how our favourite FBI
} duo come back to life in time to be in this summer's movie.  Note:
} secret tunnels and Navajos may not be used.


1025-07    (3lKg8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let the mortals rejoice in the Oracle's honor and sing for joy on their
> beds. The Oracle's Wit and Knowledge is like a box springs on which we
> mortals lay unconscious on for long periods of time, occasionally
> rising to get a drink or use the facilities.  All Hail the Oracle, The
> Oracle is Wise, The Oracle is Good, I know the Oracle can help me.
>
> How does one house-break a washing machine? My washing machine -had-
> been a good washing machine until lately. Now it keeps wetting the
> floor. I have tried taking it outside on the lawn before giving it a
> load of clothes, but it just sits there. I even have left the door open
> so it can go out when it wants. Still it is wetting the floor. Please
> give me some advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, good supplicant, whose grovel rates 8/10 on the Grovel Scale, let
} me introduce you to the concept of raising a good washing machine.
}
} Normally, washing machines are trained properly to use the available
} facilities for waste products while still in the factory. This process,
} depending on the machine in question, can take several weeks, although
} the better ones will get the idea within a few days.
}
} However, there are always those few who fall back, especially when
} coming up against difficulties in life. Either simply from immaturity,
} or from trauma caused by overly heavy workloads, or colour strain, or
} other such trouble, when a washing machine backslides, you have two
} options. You can either take it back to the store, or you can help it
} out yourself.
}
} The first option is easiest from your point of view, but will likely
} increase the trauma to the washing machine, requiring the doctors to
} spend much time healing it, or even, in the worst cases, if it is
} decided that the damage is irreversible, terminating it in mercy.
} Obviously, any moral owner will avoid this option if at all possible.
} Even if you can't handle it yourself, give it to a friend or relative
} first (making certain that they will, of course, properly care for it).
}
} The second option will take much time, but the investment will be worth
} it. The first step is to put the washing machine in diapers. Don't call
} them that, of course - that could aggravate the damage. Call it special
} plumbing, or something like that.
}
} Don't keep them on all the time, of course. Occasionally, take them
} off, bring the machine outside, and do a load there. This will teach
} the machine the proper place to release its wastes.
}
} Remember to use kind words, and easy coaxing when talking to the
} machine. And never expose it in public - only one person should ever
} see it undressed at a time, preferrably limited to yourself and an
} appropriate doctor.
}
} In time, the machine will regain its confidence and begin taking care
} of itself again.
}
} Just remember, your washing machine is a sensitive being, and you
} should always treat it with respect, in order to get along with it for
} a happy, long life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of baby food.


1025-08    (bAwc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, oh great cynosure, please tell me - was
> it you who wrote all those Linux fortune cookies?
>
> Take this:
>
>   % fortune
>   In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must
>   own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
>
> ...I find it hard to believe that anyone but you would have known that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} temple:/home/oracle 1> man fortune
} Formatting page. Please wait...
} FORTUNE(6)             Linux Games Manual                  FORTUNE(6)
}
} NAME
}      fortune - print a random, hopefully interesting, adage
}
} <hmm...let's skip down a bit.>
}
} CREDITS
}      fortune(6) was created by The Internet Oracle
} (oracle@cs.indiana.edu), formerly The Usenet Oracle. All fortunes
} were also contributed from the vast resources of The Internet Oracle.
} All those who ask about the origin of fortune(6) shall be required
} to read the Kama Sutra piped through jive without laughing.
}
}                         May 18, 1998                                1
}
} temple:/home/oracle 2>


1025-09    (azuc7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I pass my Algebra final swiftly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you will pass it, but not any more swiftly than anything else
} you've ever eaten. I'd say about 20 hours from now it will reappear.
} But it is going to be rather worse for wear.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those knit "skirts" that you place over a
} Barbie doll and a roll of toilet paper.


1025-10    (dEkba dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me Oh Wise Oracle!
>
> I awoke this morning and found an odd tattoo (shown below) on my
> forehead! I am scared! What does it mean? Please help me!
>
>        (\__/)
>        /O O `.
>       (O__,   \
>         / .  . )
>         |-| '-' \
>        .(   _(   )
>       '---.~_ _ _&

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is Mark, the Beast.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a packet of those "temporary" coloured
} tattoos (preferrably all of penguins).


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org