} Ah, good supplicant, whose grovel rates 8/10 on the Grovel Scale, let
} me introduce you to the concept of raising a good washing machine.
} Normally, washing machines are trained properly to use the available
} facilities for waste products while still in the factory. This process,
} depending on the machine in question, can take several weeks, although
} the better ones will get the idea within a few days.
} However, there are always those few who fall back, especially when
} coming up against difficulties in life. Either simply from immaturity,
} or from trauma caused by overly heavy workloads, or colour strain, or
} other such trouble, when a washing machine backslides, you have two
} options. You can either take it back to the store, or you can help it
} out yourself.
} The first option is easiest from your point of view, but will likely
} increase the trauma to the washing machine, requiring the doctors to
} spend much time healing it, or even, in the worst cases, if it is
} decided that the damage is irreversible, terminating it in mercy.
} Obviously, any moral owner will avoid this option if at all possible.
} Even if you can't handle it yourself, give it to a friend or relative
} first (making certain that they will, of course, properly care for it).
} The second option will take much time, but the investment will be worth
} it. The first step is to put the washing machine in diapers. Don't call
} them that, of course - that could aggravate the damage. Call it special
} plumbing, or something like that.
} Don't keep them on all the time, of course. Occasionally, take them
} off, bring the machine outside, and do a load there. This will teach
} the machine the proper place to release its wastes.
} Remember to use kind words, and easy coaxing when talking to the
} machine. And never expose it in public - only one person should ever
} see it undressed at a time, preferrably limited to yourself and an
} appropriate doctor.
} In time, the machine will regain its confidence and begin taking care
} of itself again.
} Just remember, your washing machine is a sensitive being, and you
} should always treat it with respect, in order to get along with it for
} a happy, long life.
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of baby food.