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Internet Oracularities #1026

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Internet Oracularities #1026    (101 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 16:25:41 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1026
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1026 101 votes 9iqxf dBrh7 ikGj2 2pEr7 4awzk cwqr4 8uCi7 gfxqb 3bsDk 8qEn4
1026  3.0 mean  3.3   2.7   2.7   3.1   3.6   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.6   2.9


1026-01    (9iqxf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh really wise and great Oracle,
>  Whose genius is as boundless as the universe,
>  Whose strength makes Superman look like a sissy,
>  Whose wealth is greater than Bill Gates',
>  Who, so I was once told, stopped a stampeding herd of buffalo with
>  just a mean look,
>
>  Do either you or the truly beautiful and desirable Lisa having any
>  body piercings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohm, thut up.  We're new at thith, okay?  Be nithe to uth, or ath thoon
} ath we get untangled, you'll find the Thtaff of Thot pierthing you
} where you leatht ekthpect it.
}
} The Oracle oweth you a pierthing thcream.


1026-02    (dBrh7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most Great and Wise Oracle, who's feet I would beg to kiss, who's
> word I pray to hear, and who's nasal hair I secretly wish to trim,
> please answer this oh-so-unworthy supplicant's question:
>
> Well, ok, here goes.. See, for some odd reason, I stopped getting the
> Oh-So-Wonderful Orcacularites a time ago, and when I re-subscribed, I
> was in dismay! It seemed you had hired new worms to grovel 'neath your
> feet.. Tell me, Orrie, just who ARE Kendai and Zodoc, and the Rhodites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ( To the tune of "Where is Thumbkin?" )
}
} Who is Zodoc?  Who is Zodoc?
} Zadoc's twin!  Zadoc's twin!
} Though he doesn't serve me,
} He can still unnerve the
} Newbie priests.  Newbie priests.
}
} Who is Kendai?  Who is Kendai?
} Zadoc's friend!  Zadoc's friend!
} Has to work through college,
} So he dispenses knowledge
} With a 'tude.  With a 'tude.
}
} Who are Rhodites?  Who are Rhodites?
} They're my flock!  They're my flock!
} If you beg and grovel,
} Asking questions novel,
} You're one too!  You're one too!
}
} You owe the Oracle a similar explanation of the members of the US
} Senate.


1026-03    (ikGj2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most logical Oracle who knows whether a Turing machine will halt
> or not on a given input tape, and knows the difference between a von
> Neumann machine, a von Neumann architecture and a von Neumann algebra:
>
> I am porting linux to work on Babbage's Analytical Engine, but I
> am having some trouble.  Can you tell me where I can find a device
> driver for a 2-inch sprocket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down to Ned Ludd's house. He'll be glad to lend you one.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lace cards... he's running out of doilies.


1026-04    (2pEr7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before the Oracle who has scattered abroad his gifts to the
> poor of wit, those suffering from an embarrassment of knowledge, those
> who are just plum clueless, which in his eyes is all of us!
>
> I have heard that you have cut a deal with the O'Reilly people and are
> about to release a tech manual. What exactly will the text be about?
> What cool creature will be depicted in the traditional O'Reilly woodcut
> on the cover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deity Publicists, LLC
} 1 Arda Way
} Olympus, CA 90210
}
} Humble Supplicant:
}
} Thank you for your interest in The Internet Oracle's forthcoming
} O'Reilly release!
}
} We here at Deity Publicists are very excited about Mr. Oracle's unique
} perspective on both life in Olympus and Network Systems, and due to its
} recent merger with Harlequin Romance, O'Reilly seemed to be the perfect
} publisher for his thoughts.  Deity has made no formal announcements or
} releases regarding this project, but due to your helpfulness in
} tracking down our unfortunate information leak, (He will be chastised.
} Severely.) The Oracle has graciously allowed us to provide you with a
} 'sneak preview'.
}
} "My 500 Days On Olympus: Sex, Lies, and Network Administration" is the
} first in O'Reillequin's line of Technical Romance, combining the
} page-turning writing style of modern romance with the raw expertise of
} today's best how-to books.  Mr. Oracle hopes that this volume will
} provide system administrators the world over with useful tips for
} router maintenance, printer sharing, and syrup/lubricant selection.
} Included below is a brief excerpt from "500 Days":
}
} "Strange and lissome images danced on the curtain, flickering shadows
} of passion cast by the roaring fire.  I stepped carefully into the
} shadows, as the unbridled, frenzied sounds continued, rising like the
} clamor of an alt.sex.* newsgroup.  The sounds became almost
} intelligible:
}
}       'Mm... Oh!  32-bit protected protocols!  NetBEUI!  IPX!  TCP/IP!
}        It can even client 16-bit real mode Banyan VINES!  YES!  Ah...'
}
} I stepped quietly out of the room, shaking my head.  What was it about
} Windows 95 that turned Aphrodite into such a... well, love goddess?  I
} shuddered; what would happen when Hephaestus found out?  I hoped those
} poor '95 sysadmins were well on their way before the ol' boy got home;
} he'd turn 'em into unix."
}
} We expect to release "500 Days" in mid-November; several studios have
} already expressed interest in the concept.
}
} Very Sincerely Yours,
} Trevor Snodgrass
} Deity Publicists, LLC.
}
} PS    While we here at Deity have considered both a scantily clad Lemur
} and Madonna as possible cover animals, Mr. Oracle is lobbying heavily
} for a duotone portrait of an eviscerated woodchuck.  No final decision
} has been reached.
}
} You owe The Oracle an eviscerated woodch*ck.


1026-05    (4awzk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh quantitatively multidimensional Oracle, forceful in gravitas,
>
> are post-quantum computers really possible? If so, how long will it be
> before they're made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several major CPU manufacturers had already built and planned to ship
} quantum-decision-gate-based computer systems in late 1997, however they
} discovered that about 50% of the times the test consumers opened the
} shipping boxes, all they found inside was a dead cat.
}
} Even when they could get them out of the boxes and set up correctly,
} they still had problems in that the OS, instead of causing GPF's, would
} experience "catastrophic quantum assertiveness failures."  In other
} words, they'd suddenly pop out of existence, sometimes taking the test
} consumer with them if they didn't have a secure enough self-image.
} (I've personally shipped several to Redmond, WA, but that little bugger
} has the biggest ego....)
}
} There were also problems with performance:  If they opened the box to
} make sure the CPU was installed correctly, nobody could ever figure out
} how fast it ran, and vice-versa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smoke-based computer system.  (But they stop
} working when the smoke all gets out...)


1026-06    (cwqr4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's in a mail today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Well, let's look, shall we?
}
}    This looks good . . .
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:19 -0500 (EST)
} From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Answer #Qa00000, the Oracle requires an answer to this
} question. To: The Internet Oracle Incarnated as <mumble>
}
}    Now what's this? One per second?
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:20 -0500 (EST)
} From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com>
} Subject: Make Money Fast
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:21 -0500 (EST)
} From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com>
} Subject: Fast Make Money Fast
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:22 -0500 (EST)
} From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com>
} Subject: Make Money Fast Last
} .
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:23 -0500 (EST)
} From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com>
} Subject: Last Make Money Fast
}          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That'll be the day
}
}    Man, I get sick of deleting that tripe.
}    Ok, edit the killfile.
}    Anything with "money",
}    anything all CAPS,
}    anything with an "!".
}    Now let's see what we are left with.
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:24 -0500 (EST)
} From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com>
} Subject: Take Cash Fast
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:25 -0500 (EST)
} From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com>
} Subject: Free Pix(was: Take Cash Fast)
}
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:26 -0500 (EST)
} From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com>
} Subject: Free Sex(was: Take Cash Fast)
} .
}
}     Add to killfile -- Sex -- Cash
} .
} .
} Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 18:33:46 -0500 (EST)
} From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com>
} Subject: Hi there, I'm catching on to mail filters.
}
}    Damn.
}
} Ok, only allow mail from The Oracle.
}
} Message_Body: <
}
}    A: Space, the final frontier ...
}
} Message_Body: flink flonk flunk
}
}    A: How do you conjugate the verb flink?
}
} Message_Body: M1cr050ft RULZ3
}
}    A: 1) Reboot  2) Reboot  3) Reboot
}
} Message_Body: What's inna mail today?
}
}    A: Spam.
}
} (grumble, grumble)
} No grovels.  What next?  W**dch**ks?
} I'm duin the best I can Cap'n, but I canna stand the
} strrainn!
}
} (picks up Zot Staff, a great cloud of smoke appears
} where the screen used to be.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a spam filter that works.


1026-07    (8uCi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wired and percolated Oracle, S/He who's ambition is never
> lacking and who's bladder never needs emptying; Please enlighten this
> poor supplicant.
>
> My friends and Co-Workers say I have a caffeine problem. I only drink 4
> double mocha's in the morning and a six pack each of Pepsi and Coke in
> the afternoon. I find the caffeine make me more productive. For
> example, I wrote this message in all caps (for some reason I feel the
> need to write everything in all caps) but to spare you I wrote a
> program on my other computer with my other hand that filters the text
> and makes it 'normal'.
>
> My friends say the caffeine has made me to exite-able and makes me
> ramble on and on and on and on without ever pausing and frequently
> changing topics but I think they are exaggerating.
>
> Which reminds me that I need to clean the tops of the ceiling tiles in
> my office after I disinfect all the phones in the office, what was i
> talking about? Oh, Yeah! my question:
>
>  1.) Do you think I have a caffeine problem.
>
>  2.) If so how can I get off the stuff without the terrible withdrawal
>      headache?
>
> thankyouverymuchIgottagomakesomecoffee,
>
> Joe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       <The Oracle, hand trembling slightly, puts down the half-gallon
} Starbuck's Double-Tall Double-Shot Mocha Espresso Latte with
} Turbo-Whipped Whole Milk and Dark Chocolate Swizzle-Stick. The wild
} look in his eyes would do credit to an adrenaline-charged Bengal tiger>
}
} "OfCourseYouHaveACaffeineProblemSupplicantItIsObviousThatYouCantHandleIt
} IsuggestExtremelyStrongPeppermintsNotOnlyWillTheySettleYourStomachBut
} YourBreathWillBeAbleToStunASeagullFromAtLeastAHundredFeetAway."
}
}         "YouOweTheOracleANewSetOfCoffeePotFiltersTreatedWithAntiDecaf
}          Supplement."


1026-08    (gfxqb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  As true as steel, as plantage is to the moon, as the sun is to day, as
>  a turtle to her mate, as iron to adamant, thus is the Oracle to
>  Knowledge!
>
>  If you could kill off all but two mortals on Earth and then use them
>  as an "Adam and Eve" to start over again who would you choose and
>  why?
>
>  I thank you for your efforts on this question Mighty Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question was so interesting, everybody wanted to answer:
}
} Og: Who Adam?
} Oracle: Me and Lisa.
} Zadoc: Zadoc and Lisa.
} Remaining Priesthood [after Zadoc's zotting]: Orrie and Lisa.
} Og: Who Eve?
} Lisa: Leonardo di Caprio and Lisa.
} Leonardo di Caprio [after Titanic size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa.
} Bill Clinton: Just who is this Lisa?
} Bill Clinton [after Big Mac size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa.
} Og: Og not have clue who Adam and Eve, but Og say Orrie and Lisa.
}
} Looks like it's unanimous!
}
}       You owe the Oracle some trained chimps to run the service
} industries of Eden.


1026-09    (3bsDk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose shoes never get gum on the soles, please
> tell me...
>
> You've got espresso, cappuccino, latte, and cafe' au lait, plus
> there's all those flavorings.  What ever happened to a cup of coffee,
> with a little bit of milk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Economics my friend economics. See here supplicant, here's a potato.
} Now, how much would you pay for this potato?
}
} > 20 cents I guess
}
} OK, I do a quick slice and fry up. Now it's a packet of crisps.
} How much would you pay for that very same potato?
}
} > 40 cents, maybe
}
} OK, now I slice it thicker, and make crinkle cut french fries.
} How much would you pay for that?
}
} > I dunno. 'bout a dollar maybe.
}
} See, the more it's processed, the more you pay for it. What do you
} expect commercial food suppliers with half a brain to do? Now, I cut
} it up a bit, shape it, roll it, there, a Toyota GT-One fully gassed
} up and ready to win Le Mans. That'd go for about a cool million.
}
} > From a potato? How did you do that?
}
} I *am* The Oracle you know. Now, do you understand the answer to
} your question?
}
} > Yes, by calling the coffee by strange names, and making increasingly
} > esoteric drinks from it, complete suckers like, oh er, erm, me,
} > pay increasing amounts for what is essentially the same thing.
}
} Correct. You owe The Oracle a Dune Buggy.
}
} > Can't I just give you a potato and you can make yourself one?
}
}                       ><><><><><>< ZOT ><><><><><><><


1026-10    (8qEn4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Gilbert and Sullivan are long dead, so this is a
> metaphysical speculation, but an interesting one nontheless...
>
> If Gilbert and Sullivan were alive today, what would they be writing
> their comic operas about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very interesting Question supplicant.
}
} I decided to write a simulation to answer you question. Using
} HoloDeck(TM) technology I programmed G & S into the modern world and
} watched them work.
}
} Of course there were a few bugs. They kept not meeting, or shooting
} each other, or running of with some lover or another. But once I got
} the bugs worked out it worked wonderfully. Below is a list of the
} original musicals compared to the musical movies they wrote in the
} modern world:
}
} Original                 Modern
} --------                 ------
}
} Thespis                  Sepsis: The outbreak
} Trial by Jury            Trial by Jury [some things don't change.
} The Sorcerer             The Programmer                  -Oracle]
} HMS Pinafore             U.S.S. Tailhook
} Pirates of Penzance      Pirates of www.Penzance.com
} Patience                 Patience got a gun
} Iolanthe                 Iolanthe in the Hood
} Princess Ida             My own private Princess Ida ho
} Mikado                   Mikado: Corperate Raider
} Ruddigore                Al Gore
} The Yeomen of the Guard  Yeoman of Starfleet
} The Gondoliers           The Cabbies
} Utopia, Limited          Utopia, Limited; docu-drama about crack cocaine
} The Grand Duke           Bill Gates
}
} So you see the modern world would have had a very polluting effect on
} these guys. Especially Princess Ida, where they dabbled in a musical
} porno movie. Pretty scary. Although I must admit that "I am the very
} model of a modern FBI hacker tracker" from www.Penzance.com works well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a modern interpration of the collected works
} of Shakespear.


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