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Internet Oracularities #1027

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Internet Oracularities #1027    (95 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 13 Jun 1998 16:31:28 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1027
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1027  95 votes 6jsoi agvoe 2hEpb 9opmf jvmcb 6ivnh bsxg7 djgno cqwj6 etyh1
1027  3.0 mean  3.3   3.2   3.3   3.1   2.6   3.3   2.8   3.3   2.8   2.6


1027-01    (6jsoi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     ^            ^
>    / \          / \
>   /   ~~~~~~~~~~   \
>  |   ___      ___   |
>  |  | o |    | o |  |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "......And it's here, deep in the darkest depths of the computing
} science lab, that we find a quite remarkably well-preserved specimen of
} the genus ASCIIus ArtCreatorii. This shy, retiring creature is
} something of a dying breed these days, having been hunted almost to
} extinction by its more rampant compatriots, the predatory MIMEus
} Proponentii, the ruthless MSus Exchangia, and the just downright
} irritating Junous Hotmailus.
}
} In years gone by,  the ASCIIus ArtCreatorii - or Lesser-Spotted Geek,
} to use the common name - was abundant in UNIX environments the world
} over. In an attempt to make up for their lack of skill in verbal
} communication, hordes of them would congregate in University computer
} rooms, drawn there like locusts to a cornfield, and proceed to consume
} every last scrap of bandwidth on the single 9,200 baud modem by mailing
} 300-page-long, badly-drawn animations to their companions on the other
} side of the room.
}
} Their evolutionary siblings, Obsessivia Ytalkus (or Silent Spotted
} Geek), would wait for hours until an ASCIIus had gorged to repletion on
} their 7,000th animation of a farmer-and-sheep, then take over their
} position at the console. The Ytalkus would then bring the network to an
} even slower crawl by launching a 3-hour long ytalk session with their
} companion only two terminals away.
}
} However, these golden days were soon to pass. These days the ASCIIus
} ArtCreatorii is rarely to be seen, having been surpassed by the Jerkius
} Freepornsiteia, and the HOTLIVENUDEius XXXStreamingLiveStageShowii -
} also known as the Shortly-To-Be-Going-Blind Geek. With the STBGB Geek's
} diet consisting almost exclusively of fuzzy video captures from Pamela
} Anderson's wedding night home movie and laughably fake photo montages
} of a nude model with Gillian Anderson's head crudely pasted on top, the
} ASCIIus has been elbowed out of the bandwidth consumption race. Ekeing
} out a meagre existence, gorging ravenously on whatever leftover scraps
} of bandwidth they happen to chance across, the ASCIIus' extinction is
} surely just a matter of time......"
}
} You owe The Oracle a damn good grovel next time, and the video of the
} entire first series of When Animals Are Used In Naff ASCII Animations.
} Streaming, for preference.


1027-02    (agvoe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gnork flitsha tabberkloinky wewe! Groupletic gnork i! Gnork! I!
>
> <KRRRKK!>
>
> O. Kwatterblick gnork indoily tabber.
>
> <KRRRKK!>
>
> DAMN!
>
> <PLOINK>
>
> Yes. It works. Darned translators. Let me see. Ah. Yes.
>
> Harrumph.
>
> Take me to your leader!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Mr. Five-Legged-Alien-With-Luminous-Eyes-Secreting-Something (may I
} call you Mr. Flawless for short, you superior being from another
} galaxy, you? No, I'm not flattering you, you're clearly a few steps up
} the evolutionary ladder from us.  Oh, you're blushing...I think),
} you've come to the right place.  Here, have a seat.  Why don't you let
} me take your plans for global domination and enslaving the human race?
} Thanks.  Now, I am not the leader of this world, but I might as well
} be, since I am the most intelligent creature on it.  Ask me anything!
} I can answer it.
}
} ><PLOINK>
} >
} >How much flarp could a flarpthwog thwog if a flarpthwog could thwog
} >flarp?
} >
} ><PLOINK>
}
} (Gritting teeth) Ha ha, very funny, Mr. Flawless, I knew from the
} moment I laid eyes on you that you had a sense of humor.  That reminds
} me of some good alien jokes I know.  Here's one --  A giant spider from
} the forgotten lands of Zu walks into a bar and orders a Quagmire Blitz.
}  The bartender gives it the drink and says, "That will be 85
} centihubers."  The giant spider gives the bartender a rotting corpse
} wrapped in its web.  The bartender accepts this as payment according to
} the barter guidelines set forth in the Third Intergalactic Charter
} Regarding Commerce.  He remarks, "You know, we don't see many giant
} spiders from the forgotten lands of Zu in here."  "That is because most
} people kill us on sight," replies the giant spider.
}
} ><PLOINK>
} >
} >Ha ha!  That's a good one!  Do you know any more?
} >
} ><PLOINK>
}
} (Rummaging through a file cabinet) Why sure.  Seems there are these two
} aliens having a conversation, which goes a little something like this:
} "Exo quee jaurasetny im polnez ude wem?"  "What?"  "Exo quee jaurasetny
} im polnez ude wem?"  "What?"  "EXO QUEE JAURASETNY IM POLNEZ UDE
} WEM???"  "I can't hear you, I have a Third Level Integral Processor in
} my ear!"
}
} ><PLOINK>
} >
} >(Rolling on the floor) Woo hoo hoo hoo!  You're killing me!
} >
} ><PLOINK>
}
} Yes, yes, all in good time.  (Removes an ornate staff from the drawer
} and hides it behind his back.)  You like knock knock jokes?
}
} ><PLOINK>
} >
} >I love them!         Here, I'll start.  "Knock knock!"
} >
} ><PLOINK>
}
} "Oh, it's you."
}
} ><PLOINK>
} >
} >Bwaaahh ha ha ha ha!  (He has completely lost control.)
} >
} ><PLOINK>
}
} (Quickly swiveling the Zot staff into position and firing) Take that,
} you diabolical monstrosity! (Soon all that remains of the alien is a
} pile of ash, and a souvenir T-shirt too small to be seen by the naked
} eye which reads "The original entity which I sprouted asexually from
} went to the black hole of Cygnus X-1 and all I got was this T-shirt
} that had been crushed into a singularity.")  Whew.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thank-you note from everyone on the planet.


1027-03    (2hEpb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, does a rhinoceros have cloven hooves?  Does it
> chew its cud?  I really need to know - this is very important.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, bub, we went to a LOT of trouble to develop Viagra so you humans
} would stop killing us for our horns -- and now you're trying to
} determine if we meet your _dietary_ restrictions? We know where you
} live, and you're on the list -- comprende?  We're more powerful than
} you think. Back off. Besides, we taste just like chicken, so EAT SOME
} *&$%! CHICKEN. Sheesh.
}
}    -- The Sentient Rhinoceros Consortium
}       (why shouldn't we admit who we are? who's gonna believe you?)


1027-04    (9opmf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle,
>       Given the long and one-sided relationship we have shared over the
> past couple of hours while I read some of the most engaging answers to
> some of the more esoteric questions I personally have heard in almost
> a week, I would feel it necessary for you to nitpick my grammar,
> misconstrue my meanings, and, with any luck, ZOT me for the complete
> lack of a grovel (and then maybe again for comma overusage), but I
> think I should like to avoid that particular fate--unfortunately, I
> have always had a problem with authority, so the best grovel anyone
> could (and will) ever get from me is, "You're pretty cool," so,
> of course, I know give you an official, "You're pretty cool, Oracle."
>       Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I can move on to my
> question...except for the fact that I cannot seem to remember what
> it is. So I ask of you now:  Why did I go to all that trouble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  YES!  My plan is working!
}
} Zadoc:  What plan is that, Brain?
}
} Oracle:  I told you Pinky; while I am at this terminal, you are to
} address me as The Oracle, and you are Mister Zadoc, a humble young
} priest from Podunk.
}
} Zadoc:  Rightio Brain, I mean The Oracle, Sir!  Narf!
}
} Oracle: As you can see, MISTER ZADOC, my hypnotic secret code-words,
} planted in the Oracularities, are already taking hold as people all
} across this world read them and then feel compelled to write long,
} boring, diatribes in a pathetic attempt to be humorous.
}
} Zadoc: You mean like you are doing right now, Brain?
}
} Oracle: Be quiet, Zadoc, or I shall have to hurt you!  Soon,
} productivity will be reduced all over the world and then we can step in
} as high priced consultants and tell people how to run their businesses
} and from there, well, we will RULE THE WORLD!
}
} Zadoc: Oh, very nice Brain - poit -- I mean "The Oracle."
}
} Oracle:  Now let me translate this latest message, "Send me more
} annoying questions, especially you Juno users out there..."
}
}       ffhld ilih7 eirg6 9jlo8 66fyk anpf8 6nwc8 2frqb 7imld 4exp5
}
} Oracle: Perfect!  Now I just upload that into the latest digest and...
}
} Lisa:  What's going on here!  Orrie!
}
} ORACLE:  Mice?  At my terminal?!  I know we shouldn't have taken that
} extra long lunch break!  Where's my staff of ZOT?
}
} Oracle:  Uh-oh, Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
}
} Zadoc:  I think so, The Oracle, but if our knees bent the other way,
} what would chairs look like?
}
} Oracle:  Pinky!  Run!
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
}
} ORACLE:  There, now, back to work.  Hmmm, Another woodch*ck question
} from Juno.  Why do they keep sending me these annoying messages?
}
} The Brain:  Oooooooh, Pinky, my plan had a near-fatal flaw. I think a
} nice tub of bactine will do me good.  Let's head back to the lab and
} prepare for tomorrow night.
}
} Pinky:  Why, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
}
} The Brain: The same thing we do every night!  Try and take over the
} world!
}
} You owe the Oracle the theme song to the hit new animated show: Zadoc &
} The Oracle.


1027-05    (jvmcb dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the Usenet Oracle, or just existential blues?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life is good, yes, I think life is grand
} Life is grovels and gifts of flan
} I think immortality's just the most wonderful thing
} I do, don't you, of course you do
} But there's one thing that makes life complete for me
} And makes every morning a treat for me
}
} All the world seems in tune
} On a spring afternoon
} When we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net
} Every Sunday you'll see
} Lovely Lisa and me
} As we mailbomb the Lusers on the 'net
}
} When they see us coming, the Juno-whats try and hide
} But they still go for posts that claim you can buy Asian brides
} Yes, the sun's shining bright
} Everything seems all right
} When we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net
} La la, dum de da da da doo deedeedee
}
} We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety
} In the Free Speech Society with our games
} They call it impiety and lack of propriety
} And quite a variety of unpleasant names
} But it's so much fun to be a bomber
} And frustrate some yahoo-dot-com'er
}
} So if Sunday you're free
} Why don't you email me
} And we'll mailbomb the Lusers on the 'net
} And maybe we'll do
} In a woodch*ck or two
} While we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net
}
} We'll drive them all off amid laughter and merriment
} Except for the few we send survey experiments
} This old heart will go 'thump' with ev-e-ry coredump
} We send to a Luser
} And thanks to web browsers
} There's no shortage of Lusers on the 'net!


1027-06    (6ivnh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TIME TO DIE, MR. ORACLE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: (looks up from desk) Oh no! It's another jumper. Come down from
}         that window ledge at once.
}
} Supplicant: NO. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO DIE, MR ORACLE. AND NOTHING YOU DO
}             CAN STOP ME.
}
} Oracle: But whatever happened to you, it can't be that bad.
}
} Supplicant: I HAVEN'T BEEN DIGESTED SINCE #903, AND I ONLY GOT AN
}             AVERAGE OF 1.3. AND THE COMPANY I WORK FOR HAS HAD MY CAPS
}             LOCK KEY REMOVED IN THE INTEREST OF EFFICIENCY. I CAN'T
}             TAKE IT ANY MORE. I'M GOING TO JUMP.
}
} Oracle: Look, we can get you digested again, no problem. Just send in
}         any old question, and we'll find an incarnation who can give a
}         witty and intelligent answer to it and stick it in the next
}         digest.
}
} Supplicant: BUT WHAT IF I ONLY GET AN AVERAGE OF 1.3 AGAIN?
}
} Oracle: Look, I'm the Oracle. Trust me. You'll probably even make the
}         best of.
}
} Supplicant: REALLY?
}
} Oracle: Really.
}
} Supplicant: YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME COME DOWN.
}
} Oracle: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way...
}
} Supplicant: BUT I'D STILL BE THE ONLY PERSON USING ALL CAPITALS.
}
} Oracle: No you wouldn't. Hundreds of Hotmailers do it all the time.
}
} Supplicant: AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, IS IT?
}
} Oracle: Well, it's supposed to get you off my window ledge one
}         way or the other. Look, if it's so important to you, you
}         can have the caps lock key from Zadoc's computer. Just
}         don't jump, alright?
}
} Supplicant: YOU REALLY MEAN IT?
}
} Oracle: Yes, here you are. Now, come inside and let's have no more
}         of this jumping out of windows nonsense.
}
} Supplicant: THANK YOU. I DON'T... I mean, I don't know how to thank
}             you. I feel like a whole man again. You've opened my
}             eyes to how wonderful life can be. I'm going to live my
}             life to the full from now on. No more suicide attempts,
}             no more null questions. From now on I will contribute
}             positively to society. I feel... I feel that I can bring
}             all of society back on track. That because of the way
}             you've changed my life, I can change the lives of every
}             man, woman and hermaphrodite on the face of this
}             planet for the better. I will eradicate war, bring
}             social justice and equality to all, and create a user
}             friendly computer operating system which is reliable
}             and efficient.
}
} Oracle: Think nothing of it. Incidentally, you did grovel when you
}         asked me for help, didn't you?
}
} Supplicant: No, I don't think so.
}
} Oracle: <ZOT> What a pointless waste of life...
}
} You owe the Oracle a dustpan and brush.


1027-07    (bsxg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle;
>
> What do cattle think of all day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, so you haven't herd?  Well, I won't try to steer around this one
} and I'll cut the bull.  Don't be fooled by their simple appearance.
} The cows are thinking of ways to milk you for everything you're worth.
} So, supplicant, I suggest you moove away from them soon, before they
} get too bossy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a New York Strip...medium rare


1027-08    (djgno dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie baby, how ya doin'?  How's the wife?  Great, listen, I gotta
> ask you something here, a favour from your, like, infinite wisdom.  You
> know I only ask you this kind of stuff because you're so damn
> omniscient, not to mention handsome.
>
> Anyway, baby, listen to this.  The folks over at "Seinfeld" called.
> They changed their minds and want to go one more season after all...
> But for the extra season of shows they want to have guest writers --
> you know, real celebrity types, not some two-bit no-names -- for every
> episode!  Anyway, I have this great idea to get Stephen King to write
> an episode, but I'm not sure how well that'll turn out... whaddya
> think, Big O?  How would it go? D'you think it'd work?  Thanks babe!
>
> Yours "sincerely",
>
> H. Ollie Wood-Agent

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Ollie:
}
} Babe!  You ain't just whistling Dixie!  Stephen King is hot, hot, hot
} right now, especially after that brilliant "X-Files" episode he wrote
} with the evil talking doll!  I mean, how original can you get?  So I
} took your suggestion and called Stevie up -- he and I go way back --
} and he turned around and sent me this script before I could say "Jack
} Robinson"...though that's not really too hard, since I only say "Jack
} Robinson" once every few weeks.  Still, I couldn't believe how fast he
} writes -- it's almost like he spits out stories without having to
} expend any mental energy on them at all! He amazes me.  Anyway, have a
} look at it; I think you'll like what you see.
}
} Yours,
}
} T.I. Oracle
}
} encl.
} TIO/z
}
}                                     SEINFELD
}                                    "The Move"
}
} Teaser: Jerry and George are at their usual table at Monk's, discussing
} Jerry's new girlfriend.
}
} GEORGE: So, did you see Nadia last night?
}
} JERRY:  Yeah, we went to see that movie where Air Force One is hijacked
} by vampires...it was okay, I guess.  But she just wouldn't shut up for
} the entire movie!
}
} GEORGE: A movie talker, huh?
}
} JERRY:  They're the worst!
}
} GEORGE: Tell me about it.  What did she have to say that was so
} important?
}
} JERRY:  Oh, just a bunch of nonsense..."Vampires wouldn't really do
} that", "Since when do you call two chopsticks held at an approximate
} right angle a crucifix?", things like that.
}
} GEORGE: Huh. (Pause.) Does this chicken smell right to you?
}
} Commercial.  Scene 2, evening, at Jerry's apartment.  Nadia (played by
} Elisa Lowensohn) is on the couch; Jerry is heard calling from the
} bedroom.
}
} JERRY:  (offscreen) So what do you want to do tonight?
}
} NADIA:  I don't know.
}
} JERRY:  (appearing in doorway) Well, how about this Italian place?
} They've got this garlic chicken...
}
} NADIA:  (makes hissing noise)
}
} JERRY:  What?
}
} NADIA:  I...don't like garlic.
}
} JERRY:  Okay, so don't order it!  Geez!
}
} Jerry walks into the living room, but as he is passing the front door,
} Kramer opens it and bashes him in the face.
}
} JERRY:  Ow!  My nose!
}
} KRAMER: Oh, sorry.  You got any fruit?
}
} JERRY:  No, I don't have any fruit!  That's it -- I'm changing the
} lock! You're never going to come in here again without knocking!
}
} KRAMER: (appalled) But, Jerry --
}
} JERRY:  I'm serious!  You might have broken my nose!  (He feels his
} nose, then notices blood on his fingers)  I'm bleeding, I -- somebody
} get me a towel.
}
} NADIA:  I'll take care of it.
}
} Nadia walks up to Jerry and licks all the blood off his nose while
} making "mmmm" noises, as if she were devouring a delicious meal.
} Startled reaction shots from Jerry and Kramer.
}
} Scene 3.  Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's.  They discuss Nadia's odd
} behavior and Jerry's banishment of Kramer, then:
}
} GEORGE: Well, I gotta go, I'm supposed to go to this kid's birthday
} party.
}
} JERRY:  Whose?
}
} ELAINE: Yeah, since when do you know any kids?
}
} GEORGE: It's some relative, I don't know.  Her name's Lucy.  She's the
} niece of my cousin's brother-in-law or something.  I really don't want
} to go -- I hear there's going to be a clown there.  (Passionately)  I
} hate clowns!
}
} JERRY:  So why go, then?
}
} GEORGE: (Embarrassed pause) My parents are making me.
}
} ELAINE: (Laughs cruelly) Your _parents_?  What are they gonna do,
} ground you?
}
} GEORGE: Har-de-har-har.  I don't know what I was thinking, but I
} promised I would go, so I have to go.
}
} JERRY:  Since when does the fact that you, George, promised to do
} something mean that you actually feel obliged to do it?
}
} ELAINE: Yeah, that's a new one for you.
}
} GEORGE: (Rising)  George is getting angry!  (He storms out.)
}
} ELAINE: Well, I have to go, too.  I have a date.
}
} JERRY:  Really.  What's his name?
}
} ELAINE: Steve.  And when I told this guy I wrote from the J. Peterman
} catalog?  His eyes just lit up!  Let me tell you, I am going to have
} this guy eating out of my hand!
}
} JERRY:  (Sarcastically)  Right.  So tell me, what do you think about
} Nadia...
}
} ELAINE: ...And the bloody nose-licking?  I don't know, sounds to me
} like you're dating a vampire.
}
} JERRY:  Really?
}
} ELAINE: Could be.
}
} JERRY:  (Horrified and intrigued at the same time)  Hmmm.
}
} Scene 4.  Lucy's birthday party.  As George arrives, he is met by his
} parents, Frank and Estelle.  A horrifying clown makes gurgling noises
} in the background.
}
} FRANK:   You're late!
}
} GEORGE:  Sorry.
}
} ESTELLE: (Shrilly) You've already missed half the party!  Poundfoolish
} just finished making balloon animals.
}
} GEORGE:  Poundfoolish?
}
} FRANK:   (Overarticulating) That's the clown.
}
} GEORGE:  Ah.  (Waving to the clown)  Hi.
}
} CLOWN:   (Evilly)  Here...have a balloon animal.
}
} GEORGE:  Um...what is it?
}
} CLOWN:   It's a three-headed hellbeast!  (Laughs maniacally)
}
} ESTELLE: Come on, George, you'll miss the magic show!
}
} GEORGE:  Um, you go ahead, I'll catch up.
}
} George's parents and the clown open the door to the next room, through
} which we see numerous laughing children, and enter, closing the door
} behind them. George is hiding the balloon hellbeast behind a pillow on
} the couch when he hears dozens of horrifying screams.  He opens the
} door and sees blood spattered everywhere; Poundfoolish the clown waves
} at George and grins. George runs away screaming in a comical, girlish
} fashion.  Commercial.
}
} Scene 5.  Jerry's apartment.  Jerry and George are on the couch.  There
} is a light rapping on the door.
}
} JERRY:  Go away, Kramer!
}
} KRAMER: (Offscreen)  Please, Jerry!
}
} JERRY:  No!
}
} GEORGE: Why not let him in?  We're not doing anything private here.
}
} JERRY:  It's the principle of the thing.  He's got to learn to fend for
} himself. So...your parents are dead?
}
} GEORGE: Apparently.
}
} JERRY:  Well, isn't this what you've always dreamed of?
}
} GEORGE: Yeah, sure, but...I always imagined it would happen more
} peacefully. And the evil clown keeps following me around.
}
} JERRY:  He didn't follow you here, did he?
}
} GEORGE: I don't think so.
}
} JERRY:  Good, because I don't want to deal with an evil clown.  So what
} are you going to do now?
}
} GEORGE: Well, I've got to figure out what to do with the house, for one
} thing.
}
} JERRY:  The house, eh?  (Pause.)  The house!  Could I stay there for a
} while?  Like a month?
}
} GEORGE: Why?
}
} There is another light rapping at the door.
}
} KRAMER: (Offscreen) Jerry...please...
}
} JERRY:  (Gesturing at the door)  Isn't it obvious?  I'm going crazy
} here.
}
} GEORGE: Yeah, all right.  But you have to find someone else to help you
} move your stuff, I have a bad back.
}
} JERRY:  No, you don't.
}
} GEORGE: That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Ask Elaine to help.
}
} JERRY:  Actually, I haven't been able to get ahold of Elaine all day.
} I wonder how her date went.
}
} Cut to Scene 6.  Elaine is sitting at a desk in front of a typewriter;
} her ankles are handcuffed to the chair.  Her date, Steve, stands behind
} her.
}
} ELAINE: What do you want from me, Steve?
}
} STEVE:  Do you remember J. Peterman's Australian Outback Trenchcoat?
}
} ELAINE: (Frightened) Well, sure I do -- we discontinued it six months
} ago. It wasn't very popular.
}
} STEVE:  No!  No, it wasn't discontinued!  That didn't really happen!
}
} ELAINE: But --
}
} STEVE:  I want you to write me a J. Peterman catalog entry...for the
} Australian Outback Trenchcoat.  One that explains how it was never
} really discontinued.  That it was all a mistake.
}
} ELAINE: But --
}
} STEVE:  (Slamming his fist on the desk)  Just type, dammit!
}
} Scene 7.  Jerry is at his apartment, on the phone.
}
} JERRY:  Nadia?  Hi.  Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?  I did?  But it's
} 2:00 in the afternoon!  Well, whatever.  Anyway, do you think you could
} come over and help me move some stuff to this house I'm going to be
} staying at?
}
} (Cut to Nadia's apartment.  All the windows are painted over, and she
} is sitting in a coffin.)
}
} NADIA:  Um, I can't right now, Jerry.  Daytime is really bad for me.
} What about sometime tonight?
}
} (Cut back to Jerry's apartment.)
}
} JERRY:  Oh, that's okay, I can handle it myself.  Thanks.  (He hangs
} up.  As he heads for the front door, suddenly someone knocks.)  Kramer!
}
} KRAMER: I know you're in there, Jerry!  (Jerry slowly backs away from
} the door.)  Please, Jerry!  I can't take it any more!  Please let me
} in!  I wrote a poem for you!
}
} He slides the poem under the door.  Cautiously, Jerry picks it up.  It
} reads "All my apartment and no Jerry's apartment makes Kramer a dull
} boy" over and over again.  Reaction shot of Jerry, worried.
}
} Scene 8.  George, wearing a trenchcoat, is strolling down the street.
} Poundfoolish the clown rounds a corner, carrying a handful of balloons
} and smiling maniacally.  He advances on George.  George freaks out and
} runs away, hollering.
}
} GEORGE: JERRY!!!!
}
} Scene 9.  Jerry is still in his apartment, looking around like a
} trapped rat, while the knocking at the door continues.  Without
} warning, it stops.
}
} JERRY:  I think the coast is clear.
}
} He picks up a suitcase and begins carrying it towards the door.
} Suddenly, Kramer hacks a hole in the door with an axe and sticks his
} head through it.
}
} KRAMER: Heeeeeeeere's Cosmo!
}
} JERRY:  Aaah!
}
} Jerry, in a panic, jumps out onto his fire escape and climbs toward the
} street as Kramer continues to hack his way through the door.  Cut to
} exterior shot.  As Jerry is climbing down the bottom of the fire
} escape, George runs around the corner, with Poundfoolish the clown (who
} is now wielding a giant machete) in hot pursuit.  Jerry does not notice
} them, but as he jumps off the fire escape he lands on Poundfoolish, who
} stumbles, lands on his own machete, and is immediately killed.  As he
} dies, he vanishes into nothingness.
}
} JERRY:  Hey, George, what are you doing here?
}
} GEORGE: (Disoriented)  Well, I was being chased by that -- ah, never
} mind.
}
} KRAMER: (Leaning his head out of Jerry's window and waving an apple)
} Hey, Jerry!  Where'd you get these apples?  They're delicious!
}
} JERRY:  (To George, while dismissively waving at Kramer) Let's get out
} of here.
}
} Commercial.  Final tag scene -- Elaine is reading her work to Steve,
} who is looking out the window.
}
} ELAINE: If you've ever been caught by Aborigines, you'll want something
} to barter with, and we've never found anything that isn't more globally
} loved than our best-selling item, the Australian Outback trenchcoat.
}
} Through the window, we see Jerry and George walk by.  Steve notices
} George's trenchcoat.
}
} STEVE:  Hey!  That's an Australian Outback trenchcoat!  Hey!  You out
} there! (George and Jerry pause.)  Isn't that the most comfortable
} trenchcoat you've ever worn?  (George and Jerry shrug, keep walking.)
} Hey, come back!
}
} Steve runs out the door after them.
}
} ELAINE: Hey!  What about me?
}
} After a pause in which it is clear that Steve is not coming back,
} Elaine stands up and hops out the door, the chair still cuffed to her
} ankles.
}
}                                     THE END
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated here as Francis Heaney) a date with
} Julia Louis-Dreyfus.


1027-09    (cqwj6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, good sir Oracle, the mellifluous sound of your dispensation of
> sagacity fills my soul with the utmost rapture.  My alchemical
> experimentation with instantaneous temporal relocation through the
> aether (or "time travel", as some call it) have finally proved
> successful, and now that I have emerged triumphantly from the misty
> past to gather the knowledge of humanity's future, I entreat you -- how
> may one change lead into gold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   3 C all-purpose flour
}   2 C sugar
}   1 T baking powder
}   1 1/2 C milk
}   1/2 c margarine or butter, softened
}   1 1/2 t vanilla
}   2 eggs
}   1 T lead
}
} Sift together all dry ingredients.  In another bowl, mix milk, butter,
} eggs and vanilla.  Stir in dry ingredients.  Add 1 T lead to mix.
} Stir well.  Spread evenly in greased and floured 13" by 9" pan.  Bake 35
} minutes at 350 degrees, until golden.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Easy Bake oven.


1027-10    (etyh1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle please tell me. Last year I met a boy. He felt in love to me, but
> I said nothing. Now I will write to you, because now I like he. What can
> I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, l'amour. Supplicant, I have seen many young
} people in this condition, and I can tell you without a
} doubt that love hurts. Love mars. Love wounds and scars.
} But, I will forgo your deserved zotting for not grovelling,
} and try to answer your question.
}       First, you say that the boy "felt in love to you."
} How long were you feeling him to come to this conclusion?
} Most importantly, WHERE were you feeling him when you
} came to this conclusion?
}       Regardless of that, you say that you're now in
} love with him. How do you know that you're in love with
} him? Do you feel in love with him? Has someone else told
} you that you feel in love with him? The best advice I
} can give you at this point is to let someone else feel
} you (I'll volunteer if nobody is available) and tell
} you if you feel in love with this boy.
}       This could take some time, and could take quite
} a few feels. But, I believe that when you're done,
} you'll know for sure if you're in love with him. Then,
} it's just a matter of hiring a private detective to find
} out where he's gone, and then stalking him until the
} police haul you off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance to feel Claudia Schiffer to
} see if she's really in love with David Copperfield.


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