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Internet Oracularities #1029

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Internet Oracularities #1029    (85 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:40:20 -0500 (EST)

*** The publication of Internet Oracularities Digests will be on a short
*** hiatus until the ides of July, while your editor vacations in Chile,
*** Argentina and Brazil.  The Internet Oracle and its Priesthood will
*** remain in operation, however, so please continue to use the Oracle to
*** create oustanding Oracularities.  We'll catch up with the publication
*** of the best ones across the remainder of the summer, er, season.

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1029
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1029  85 votes 9agzf jMg02 6eAo5 cgum5 8fxm7 9uwa4 4ahou 4bEl9 czmd3 3grof
1029  3.0 mean  3.4   2.0   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.8   3.2   2.5   3.4


1029-01    (9agzf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Mr. I. Oracle (alias U. Oracle)
>
> Re: Temporal Disturbances
>
> Dear Sir:
> It has come to our attention that you have been generating rifts in the
> general space-time continuum as evidenced by the appearance of one Mr.
> Og, a resident of the the paleolithic era.  Further examination of
> these rifts have shown that other temporal disturbances have spun off
> your initial rift and have begun changing the nature of reality through
> alterations of previous time continuums.  By our calculations, these
> temporal shifts will reach back to the beginning of time in October of
> 1999.
>
> Shifts in the space-time continuum originating as far back as the
> beginning of time could have far reaching effects such as:
>
> 1) Erradication of all life in the known universe including all
>    supplicants and priests.  Our research indicates that without anyone
>    to ask questions, you, the Internet Oracle, would cease to exist.
>
> 2) Woodchucks becoming the dominant species.
>
> 3) Staff Technologies being bought out by Microsoft just before the
>    release of ZOT 2.0.1 when they finally repaired the faulty backfire
>    release error.
>
> 4) Gilbert Godfried becoming president of the United States, making
>    somebody with a voice even more annoying than Ross Perot's the most
>    powerful mortal in the world.
>
> In order to prevent these tragedies, we request that you cease your
> excursions into other time-spaces and return Og to his residence in the
> Paleolithic era.
>
> Sincerely,
> Lieutenant Joseph McNamara
> Office of Temporal Investigations
> Phone: (323) 555-8794
> FAX: (323) 555-8895

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm..... HOI! ZADOC
}
} [Zadoc comes crawling in on his knees backwards as is his wont. He bows
}  before The Oracle and empties a large container of yogurt in his hair]
}
} Oh Wise Oracle, thou most perfect master before whom I, your lowly
} servant Zadoc, am prepared to turn myself into a strawberry cheesecake,
} nay a baked strawberry cheesecake with fresh cream should it please thy
} light and fluffiness.
}
} Hmm. Zadoc, you wouldn't happen to be hungry would you?
}
} No master, why do you ask oh highly spiced one?
}
} Oh, never mind. Zadoc, where's Og right now?
}
} In the Andromeda Constellation master. You did say that those Mammoth
} beings, the ones that didn't grovel needed to be taught a lesson.
}
} Hmmm. I think we'll have to call Og back early. What question did they
} ask?
}
} "How many Mams would a Mammoth moth if a Mammoth would moth Mam?" oh
} most extra-virgin cold pressed one.
}
} Maybe we'll leave him there just a bit longer. But, as soon as he
} returns, it's straight back to the Paleolithic Era for him for good.
}
} But most crispy Master, what about Og's other appointments? [Zadoc
} unfolds a scroll which rolls out the door of the throne room, down the
} hall, down some stairs, around the corner, bonks Kendai on the head,
} pushing it into the toilet bowl that he was cleaning.
}
} Arrgghh!!!
}
} I'm sorry Zadoc, the temporal consistency of the whole Universe is at
} stake, and....
}
}       WEEEWOOOOWWWWOOOOWWWWOOOO [Og materialises in the throne room]
}
} Og here. Og thank O-ra-kul much fun job. Og club many Mammoth. Og
} think, 8 inch Mammoth not real chal-lenge Og a-bil-i-ty. Og say 'but'.
} Og make fun see how many Og club same time.
}
} Og, glad to see you. Og, I've got bad news for you. You're going back
} to the Paleolithic Era.
}
} Og ask why that bad new? Og see Ogwa, Oglings. Og many pre-sent. Og
} much hap-py, much want see fa-mi-ly smile face.
}
} Og, you don't understand, you're going back for good. Forever. Your
} trips around the universe, through time and space, are over.
}
} Og ask what hap-pen time mile? Og tra-vel long time, get free time
} mile. O-ra-kul say, Og col-lect time mile, get free trip. Og much time
} mile go back for-ward many time free. Og still use time mile?
}
} Sorry Og, you can't use your time miles. You've got to go back and
} stay back.
}
} Og say, Og see Og much like for-mu-la one dri-ver Mi-chael Schu-mac-her
} smash Mika Hak-ki-nen car win cham-pi-on-ship?
}
} Sorry Og, you'll have a lifetime of remembering Mika Hakkinen in the
} lead.
}
} Og much sad. Og much sad. Og ask, Og have one load 'am-mo' for
} 'how-itz-er'? Og want kill last re-main Cro-mag-non?
}
} Last remaining WHAT????!!?!!?!? How many did you say were left Og?
}
} Og say one Cro-Mag-non left, old man. Og kill ease own hand. Og say
} 'but'. Og how-itz-er much fun.
}
} ONE!?!?!?!?!? ZADOC! Turn the television on.
}
} Yes, most freshly ground one I will OW!!!
}
} [The television warms up, Bill Clinton prepares to speak]
}
} Phew! It looks OK.
}
}       BILL HERE. BILL WANT SPEAK NA-TION. BILL MAKE NEW DE-CIDE.
}       BILL THINK TOO MANY JAP-AN-ESE SPIKY CLUB IM-PORT AM-ER-I-KA.
}       BILL THINK, AM-ER-I-KAN MAN MAKE CLUB NEED JOB. BILL THINK,
}       STOP IM-PORT JAP-AN-ESE SPIKY CLUB MAKE AM-ER-I-KA GREAT
}       A-GAIN. BILL SAY....
}
} [Zap! The channel changes]
}
} Oprah... she looks the same.
}
}       OP-RAH HERE. OP-RAH BRING MANY FE-MALE MEET TALK PROB-LEM.
}       OP-RAH FIND FE-MALE MUCH PROB-LEM MAN DRINK TOO MUCH DI-NO-SAUR
}       BLOOD. OP-RAH COL-LECT FE-MALE SAME PROB-LEM. OP-RAH ASK JUL-IE
}       WHEN JUL-IE WHEN DJUG FIRST COME HOME DRINK TOO MUCH DI-NO-SAUR
}       BLOOD.
}
} [Zap! The channel changes]
}
}       LIS-TEN PER-SON PROB-LEM WITH CAVE? LIS-TEN PER-SON THINK
}       CAVE DRAB? STORE HAVE RED OCHRE. STORE RED OCHRE BEST RED
}
} [Zap]
}
}       SCAR-LET DAM-MIT. RHETT MUCH LOVE SCAR-LET. RHET SAY...
}
} [Zap]
}
}       SCOT-TY TELL CAPT-AIN, EN-GINE NOT TAKE. EN-GINE NOT TAKE.
}       SCOT-TY SAY, SCOT-TY NOT MAKE GUA-RAN-TEE.
}
}       MAN DEAD JIM.
}
} [Zap]
} [Zap]
} [Zap]
} [Off]
}
} Og think box with pic-tures much im-prove. Og ask, O-ra-kul get ca-ble?
}
} Zadoc, it's gone, the world's gone. Are we still getting questions?
}
} I apologise for making you wait even for a second o perfectly jelled
} one.
}
} Ugh here.[RETURN]
}
} Bogh here.[RETURN]
}
} Togh here. Togh lie ground be-fore O-ra-kul[RETURN]
}
} Zadoc, do you realise what we've done? We've changed the whole course
} of time?
}
} Have we returned to the deep distant past of the digests in the 980s
} oh most rarely fried one.
}
} Yes, we have. Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them. Throw me that
} animal skin will you?
}
} Right away, delicately flavoured one.
}
} You owe The Oracle a club, the address of a cave, and a bone flute.


1029-02    (jMg02 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, you have the best hooligans...er...I mean priests,
> and you shoot the most accurate corner shots of anyone.
>
> Who's going to win the World Cup this year, and what will happen in the
> aftermath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The World Cup will be won by the most successful team.  I'm rooting for
} Romania, but I refuse to use my imp^H^H^Homnipotence, it wouldn't be
} fair.
}
} As for the aftermath: naptime


1029-03    (6eAo5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION
>
> This question has been in the Oracle's queue for 2 years, 13 weeks and
> seven days. This is a world record. You can have good luck if you
> delete this message and do not respond to it or pass it on to your
> friends.
>
> If you do answer it, though, bad luck will follow. Bob Willikins
> answered it, and the very next day his grandmother was run over by a
> monster truck. Arthur Merton answered it, and was immediately flattened
> by a meteor.
>
> DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN. DON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I may only be an incarnation, but I am an incarnation of the
} almighty Oracle so I do know that nothing catastrophic is going to
} happen to me if I answer this question.
}
} So please try to frighten som^~@.A <Modem Disconnected>


1029-04    (cgum5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H'lo Oh Orrie Most Splendiferous!
>
> May I be the first to congratulate Og on his leading the scoring at the
> World Cup in France!
>
> Scorers chart: World Cup 98.
>
> Player                       Goals
>
> OG                               4
> Salas (Chile)                    2
> Hernandez (Mexico)               2
>
> 4 goals in 10 games!  Attaboy Og!  Way to go - I do find it a little
> strange the way you appear to be playing for more than one team, but
> who cares?  I don't suppose you could see about managing a couple for
> England on Monday against the Tunisians could you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Click of television turning on.  On the screen, we see a sportscaster
} and a caveman.  The sound of cheering fans is deafening.  In the
} background, we see a rowdy crowd of English soccer fans dismantling the
} Eiffel Tower and hitting each other with bits of it.]
}
} SPORTSCASTER:  Mr. Og, your performance so far in the World Cup has
}                been nothing less than stunning!  To what do you
}                attribute your success?
}
} OG:  Black-white ball just like cut-off head of Og enemy Thag.  Og
}      spend many night kick Thag head around.
}
} SPORTSCASTER:  Fascinating.  Now, it appears that you're on the rosters
}                of several different teams.  How can that be?
}
} OG:  Og just like to kick ball.  When Og want to kick ball, when people
}      not look, Og spiky club man who kick ball -- Og pick weak man,
}      weak man bad for herd -- hide man in cave, come back, kick ball.
}
} SPORTSCASTER:  I see -- so you've simply been replacing other soccer
}                players. That would also explain the sudden spate of
}                athletes found roaming the countryside with huge lumps
}                on their head and gaps in their memory.  Well, whether
}                you're actually supposed to be on the field or not, your
}                amazing technique has made you the subject of an
}                incredible bidding war among the various teams in
}                competition here.  How does that make you feel?
}
} OG:  Og just happy to be here.  Og just want to help team.
}
} SPORTSCASTER:  And there you have it.  Honest words from an honest
} caveman.
}
} [The sportscaster begins strolling desultorily as Og produces a huge
} hunk of mammoth meat and begins gnawing at it sloppily.]
}
} SPORTSCASTER:  What does the future hold for this brave sportsman?  His
}                financial picture, at least, seems quite rosy.  England,
}                worried about their Monday match against Tunisia, have
}                offered Og many spiky clubs, many animal skins, and a
}                few caves, thereby topping Tunisia's offer of many spiky
}                clubs, a few animal skins, and a cave.  If Tunisia ups
}                the ante to include many caves, it will be difficult for
}                England to improve upon such an offer, since Og doesn't
}                comprehend numbers higher than "many".  Whatever
}                happens, the world of soccer may never be quite the
}                same.  For ABC, this is G. Enericsportscaster, signing
}                off.
}
} [As the sportscaster wraps his report up, Og runs between him and the
} camera, bellowing "WOMAN!" and chasing a terrified French lass.
} Meanwhile, the English soccer fans have left the scene so that they may
} commence blowing up the Louvre with nuclear warheads.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a gooooooooooooal!


1029-05    (8fxm7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle
> Who knows all
> Answer this question
> Be it big or small!
>
> When, do you think, is the right age to have sex. Do you think it is ok
> to masterbate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's look at the options here:
}
} The Stone Age: During this period, sex was performed with a great deal
} of energy and enthusiasm, although it lacked a degree of
} sophistication. Sex enhancement paraphernalia was virtually
} nonexistent.
}
} The Bronze Age: Energy and enthusiasm were still the most noticeable
} aspects of sex during this time period.  However, a greater degree of
} social organization thrusted forward the development of primitive
} orgies, and such paraphernalia as whips and bronze chain became
} available to the wealthy.  For those wishing to pursue true
} sophistication, the god Pan was always willing to demonstrate his
} innovative techniques for tumbling nymphs.
}
} The Iron Age: Sexual sophistication rose to a new peak of maturity
} during this period.  The social ritual of the orgy climaxed in Rome,
} and iron chain surmounted the bronze kind (Although some connoisseurs
} prefer silver and gold chains.)  Tantric Buddhism was coming to its
} height, and so sex was widely recognized as a path to enlightenment in
} the Indian subcontinent and Tibet.
}
} The Middle Ages, also known as the Dark Ages: Sadly, this time period
} was a low point for sex, at least in Europe.  The wide embrace of the
} Church, with it commandments such as "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
} and suchlike did much to smother an enjoyable pastime.  The low degree
} of travel did not permit much intercourse with any but ones near
} neighbors.  Many sophisticated techniques were lost, and even the
} enthusiasm and energy of the Stone and Bronze ages was lacking.
} Fortunately, the precious knowledge explored in Asia was nurtured
} beyond the current smothering embrace of Catholicism.  Contrary to
} rumor, sex is not at all better in the Dark Ages.
}
} The Age of Reason: With the new availability of fine fabrics suitable
} for lingerie, sex began to experience a Rennissance.  The Church was
} still strong, however, and so most of what happened was simply the
} recovery of some of the knowledge and techniques lost in the Dark Ages.
} Commerce with Asia helped spread some carnal knowledge, however.
}
} The Colonial Age: The Explorations of Columbus and others opened up
} much virginal territory for hard headed Europeans to sally forth and
} plant their seeds.  The young countries of the new world came to
} maturity, bursting onto the world with their newfound strength.
}
} The Age of Invention: An orgy of mechanical enhancments pricked up
} flagging interest as they vibrated onto the scene.
}
} The Age of Aquarius: People came together with play in the fore of
} their minds, reawakening private secrets once thought lost.  The Age of
} Aquarius combined the anchient techniques of Rome will all the modern
} devices now available.  Sex was coming to an new climax.
}
} The Atomic Age: At the beginning of the Atomic Age, sex exploded onto
} the scene.  Unfortunately, this modern affair seemed to be a one night
} stand, with the great powers entering a long, cold war relationship.
} Yet now the ice seems to be melting, and the long frigidity comes to an
} end.  The West must tightly embrace our former foes.
}
} So there you have it supplicant!  Sex has been with us throughout the
} Ages, so it is fine whenever you want to do it.  As for masturbation,
} it's sex with someone you love.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Mel Brooks' _History of the World_, the
} X-rated version.


1029-06    (9uwa4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who has access to libraries past, present, and future,
> who knows the printer's art backwards...
>
> What are the best books that were never written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Books that Were Never Written
} ------------------------------------------
}
} 10.    Programming in C++, by Bill Gates.
} 9.     Windows 95 for Experts.
} 8.     Diana, Princess of Speed. (They were going to make a movie of
}        this one starring Kevin Costner)
} 7.     Any autobiography of Kylie Minogue or Jason Donovan.
} 6.     Budgie Jumping -- Irish Bloodsports.
} 5.     Jane's Modern Combat Spanners.
} 4.     Lobsters, and the men that love them.
} 3.     Weapons of Crass Distruction Volume 2: Spice Girls.
} 2.     Alien Live (Thank goodness -- Resurrection was *bad enough*).
} 1.     Roseanne: My Secret Life As a Woman.
}
} You owe the Oracle Roseanne's makeup artist.


1029-07    (4ahou dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Timeless Wonder Of the World, Saint of the Unseen El
> Worlds, Large Powerful USENET Dude, please answer my question;
>
> What will local governments do with the buildings libraries
> are in after everyone quits ready books?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the shadows in the alley comes a voice:
} "So, evil one, you think we would not see through this disguise of the
} lowly supplicant?  Your illiteracy scheme will not work this time,
} Bookworm!!!  We are here to stop you!!!"
}
} From the shadows leap four figures in black ninja outfits:
}
}       Stephen King - brandishing a bo staff,
}
}       Robert Heinlein - clutching a katana,
}
}       Isaac Asimov - swinging a pair of sai,
}
}       Ernest Hemingway - knocking around a pair of nunchuks.
}
} Robert: "We are:
}                  THE MIDDLE AGED MUTANT NINJA AUTHORS!"
}
} (And Piers Anthony can bee seen sitting on a garbage can, wearing a
} silly little pointy hat, holding a little flag in one hand that says,
} "Go MAMNA!" and a "We're #1" big foam hand on the other, cheering
} inanely and taking notes for his next series of 28 books, about dead
} ninja authors and Oracular powers, due out next month.)
}
} Isaac: "Sorry about Piers showing up.  We just can't lose him."
}
} The Bookworm: "Curses!  You darned Authors always show up to foil my
} plans! Well, not this time, I think!  MY WARRIORS!  TO ME!"
}
} From the shadows on The Bookworm's side of the alley leap a dozen
} figures clad in grey ninja outfits.  They pose menacingly, but none of
} them look at all familiar.  The MAMNA pause for a moment, looking a
} little confused, scratching their heads.
}
} Stephen: "Ummm, pardon our ignorance, but *who* are they?"
}
} The Bookworm: "These?  These are the authors of annoying romance
} novels, dreary gothic horror wannabes, interminable series based on
} Doom, D&D, Star Wars and Star Trek, and Alan Dean Foster.  The very
} things that stifle the urge to continue reading by fans of great
} literature! MY WARRIORS! ATTACK!!"
}
} The bad authors leap into action, wailing about them with their
} weapons, screaming badly ad-libbed Japanenglish phrases like
} "Banzai!!", "Mitsubishi Zero!!!" and "Sushimi Hong Kong!!!" while
} flying through the air for many many yards at a time a-la really bad
} Kung-Fu movies.  The MAMNA simply bat them down left and right like ...
} like ... like excellent authors coming up with a very good simile.
}
} Before very long, there is no one left but a very nervous looking
} Bookworm and the MAMNA, only slightly sweaty and looking very mean.
} (And Piers Anthony who, despite several severe blows to the head, from
} both the Bad Authors and the MAMNA, seems none the worse for wear, his
} head not being a vital organ.)
}
} The Bookworm: "But ... but ... *how* did you find out about my plan to
} flood the book market with badly-written pulp crap, causing people
} worldwide to stop reading, and giving me a planet of emtpy libraries to
} use as my local bases of operation in my ultimate scheme for world
} domination?"
}
} Isaac: "We had a tip.  From someone even more knowledgable about a lot
} more stuff than me, even."
}
} The Bookworm: "Who?  Who is this great intelligence who has thwarted my
} evil scheme?"
}
} The Oracle: (Appearing behind The Bookworm)  "Me.  The Internet
} Oracle."
}
} (When The Oracle places his hand on The Bookworm's shoulder, The
} Bookworm gives off a remarkably girly scream.)
}
} The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEEE!  The Oracle!  Oh no!  I know about you!  Oh,
} oh NO!  If I'm in this with you, and I was silly enough to disguise
} myself as a supplicant, then that means .. that means ... I owe you
} something!!!  EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
}
} The Oracle: "Yep, you got it.  So, why don't you just come quietly with
} me to pay off your debt.  Piers has a new series of books he'd like to
} read to you.  Personally.  Out loud.  47 of them.  They're about
} Cyber-ninja in a virtual reality world.  At least the first three are.
} They get pretty silly after that."
}
} The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEE!!!! NO!! DEATH FIRST! PLEASE!!!"
}
} (The Bookworm breaks down crying as The Oracle gathers him up to take
} him back to a locked room deep in the Oracular Dungeons for a long,
} long companionship with Piers Anthony.)
}
} The Oracle: "Hey, thanks guys!  Good job!"
}
} Stephen: "No problem Oracle.  I just got done writing another 1200
} pages on my new novel today, so I needed a break anyway."
}
} Robert: "I always appreciate the chance to beat up some repressive
} fascist thugs!  Plus, it beats being dead!"
}
} Isaac: "I'll second that, Robert.  I have some new ideas about The
} Afterlife I'd like to write a few books about, as well as about thirty
} other topics I've had some time to think about..."
}
} Ernest: "I don't like these tights.  They make me look queer."
}
} The Oracle: "This is the late 20th century, Ernie.  Everyone knows by
} now that you were a closet homosexual, but it doesn't diminish the
} impact you had on the literary world.  There's a nice leather bar just
} up the street, though."
}
} Ernest: "Oooo, sweet!"
}
} (The Oracle vanishes in a puff of smoke, taking a weeping Bookworm and
} a babbling Piers Anthony with him.)
}
} You owe The Oracle the complete works of Stephen King, Robert Heinlein,
} Isaac Asimov and Ernest Hemingway - autographed.


1029-08    (4bEl9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the sun shine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE SUN SHINES
}
} 10). Nuclear fusion. Didn't you pay attention in Stellar Physics 101?
}
} 9). The world's governments have been secretly dumping radioactive
} waste into it for decades.
}
} 8). All the glowing praises sun worshippers have been heaping on it
} for the last millennia or so are having a positive effect.
}
} 7). A pair of six-volt lantern batteries the size of Jupiter (which
} is why Duracell's stock was up recently) hitched to about a billion
} sodium vapor light bulbs.
}
} 6). It doesn't really shine. It merely produces an intense absence
} of dark.
}
} 5). It's the result of a conspiracy by Coppertone and the other sun
} lotion makers to keep their sales looking good.
}
} 4). So Seattle residents can have something to dream about.
}
} 3). So Californians can have something to complain about when they
} get a cloudy day.
}
} 2). To put Bill Gates in a constant state of envy over something that
} he definitely cannot control.
}
} And the #1 reason why the sun shines...
}
} 1). Billions of years ago, The Almighty Creator of All was taking
} a dump in the Great Cosmic Outhouse (this was well before indoor
} plumbing). He made the mistake of lighting a match. I'm sure you can
} figure out the result.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new MagLite (the six D-cell model) and a bottle
} of SPF 15. Talk about 'Midnight Sun!'
}
} And let's have a decent grovel next time! Barge in here like that
} again, without so much as kneeling before Me, and I will ZOT you into
} your own private sun!


1029-09    (czmd3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is,
>
> What would the differences be in the answers to a crossover question
> asked of HAL-9000, Brainiac, and Mr. Rogers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's ask them...
}
} <<<"Where is the remote control?">>>
}
} HAL-9000: Just what do you think you're watching Dave?
}           One moment...  one moment...
}           I have detected a fault in the AE-35 remote control unit.
}           Unit will go missing in T-minus 10 minutes and 23 seconds.
}
} Brainiac: I don't need to know where the remote is you pathetic fool!
}           I can change the chanel with my telekinetic powers!
}           But if you'd be kind enough to help me program the VCR, I'll
}           be more than happy to tell you where it is!
}
} Mr. Rogers: Would you be mine? Could you be mine?
}             Won't you be... my remote.
}             Well.. c'mon, hurry it up, I haven't got all day here
}             you little brats! I need you to be my remote control!
}             (BOOM!)
}             Alright, which one of you little bastards is packin heat?
}             (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!)
}             Mess with Mr. Rogers will you? Well I'll show you, you
}             little snot bags! It's time you learned just who rules
}             this neighbourhood, you filthy pukes!
}             (BANG! SMASH! SCREAM! RIP!)
}             Now look what you made me do! I shot the TV!!
}             Now you're all going to wish you had never been born!
}             (BOOOM!! WHACK! SMACK!! CRASH!!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a more friendly neighbourhood.


1029-10    (3grof dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me...
>
> Why are bugs so attracted to light?  And since they are, why don't they
> all just fly off to the sun during the day?
>
> Thank you, oh most mighty and knowledgeable entities of the net.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not that bugs are so attracted to light, supplicant, it's just
} that they like to, you know...see what they're doing?  For instance,
} take yourself.  Say you had a five-page term paper due tomorrow, and
} two possible places you could work on it: a brightly lit room, or a
} pitch-black room with no lights to be found in it.  Which one would you
} pick?  (Ignore the fact that you're probably sitting in a room right
} now that's totally dark, except for the faint glow from your CRT.)
}
} Still, it's true, _some_ bugs, like moths, seem to have some kind of
} _obsession_ with lights.  I mean, one could understand a fly wanting to
} be able to see well enough to actally find some rotting food to feast
} on without bumping into everything, but these moths really don't seem
} to be getting much accomplished when they're flitting around the porch
} light.  In an effort to get to the bottom of this, we interviewed some
} moths.  Here's what they had to say.
}
}       "I still remember the first time I flew up to a light -- it
}    totally blew my mind, man.  It was so bright...I think I saw god.
}    Ever since then, I've been trying to recreate that experience with
}    other lights. It's never been quite the same as the first time,
}    but...it's still groovy.  Hey -- you wanna listen to some Hendrix?"
}
}       "Once my best friend flew into a campfire and was killed
}    instantly. I wouldn't say I have a danger fetish...I mean, I admit
}    it's exciting, but...I'm sort of on a spiritual quest to see what it
}    was in the flame that he was willing to die for.  So, yeah, I fly
}    near flames.  I think it's the only way I can find peace.  (He is
}    holding back tears.)  He was a really special moth, man.  I've never
}    seen anyone who could eat more wool than he could."
}
}       "Come on, man, that's a ridiculous question.  That's just like
}    asking someone why they _chose_ to be a homosexual.  They were
}    _born_ that way. I mean, what's the big deal if I'm a photophile?  I
}    like light.  I was born liking light!  (Pumps fist in air.)  We're
}    HERE!  Lights are things we like to fly NEAR!  Get used to it!"
}
} So, as you can see, the reasons moths like to fly near lights are many
} and complex.  And you thought their apparent attraction to light
} sources at night was merely a by-product of a reflex that reduces the
} wing motion on the side of their body struck by light, causing them to
} turn in that direction.  How wrong you were.  Just goes to show you can
} never trust the encyclopedia.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest version of Grolier's on CD-ROM.


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