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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:53:00 GMT

Internet Oracularities #103

Goto:
103, 103-01, 103-02, 103-03, 103-04, 103-05, 103-06, 103-07, 103-08, 103-09, 103-10


Usenet Oracularities #103    (20 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 17 Jan 90 22:37:34 GMT

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

103   20 votes 33635 33842 08651 12863 02684 46451 16643 12854 13943 04376
103   3.2 mean  3.2   3.0   3.0   3.4   3.7   2.6   3.1   3.5   3.2   3.8


103-01    (33635 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, so like I just broke up with my girl.  She said she liked me and she
> liked being with me but she's been hurt too many times before so she
> doesn't wanna.  What am I supposed to do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment, I'll see what I can find out...
}
} % rlogin [name of girl omitted] -l oracle
}
} Welcome to [name omitted]'s brain!
}
} Message from operator!console...
} Greetings, oh powerful one! What is thy bidding?
}
} % msg operator "I have been asked to give a decision about this person
}     from one of my users. I need information."
} %
}
} Message from operator!console...
} Yes, great one! What do you need to know?
}
} % msg operator "I need read access to /usr/control and all of its
}     contents."
} %
}
} Message from operator!console...
} One moment...
}
} Message from operator!console...
} Done. May I serve you in any other way, Sir?
}
} % msg operator "No, go about your business."
} %
}
} Message from operator!console...
} Just call if you need anything!
}
} % cd /usr/control
} % cat thought_pattern
} B23y98xcb982ry9x283912fdhsdjh(@*&$^()*@(*B^)Z*@N&9-0mzr-2093crm90238c12
} sdfnbiasdbfipashYPINW(*^BC(Y#(QWGHAISUHDNCIUYMR(X*YR(YPRAMYWIPARIHIRUFH
} {}[]{|'\>\>/.>"?>{PALK<_)*C#@)(#MX*(@YBN^#@N&(XM^&*TZ&*MYIYWUIYR)(Y(*YN
}       .
}       .
}       .
}       [this continued for several hundred lines]
}       .
}       .
}       .
} ^C
} % msg operator "Thank you - I have found what I needed."
} %
}
} Message from operator!console...
} No problem! Anything for the Usenet Oracle!
}
} % logout
} Connection closed.
}
} I'm afraid there's nothing but garbage in her head.  Attempt to
} straighten her out.  If you are successful, you will be very happy with
} her.  If not, no loss, you would get nothing but garbage (Garbage
} In-Garbage Out) from her anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  This one's on me.


103-02    (33842 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you do anything other than answer our stupid questions?  What are
> your hobbies?  What do you do for a living?  What do you do with Lisa???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't just answer your stupid questions!  I answer the stupid
} questions of world leaders too!  The Reagans constantly ask me "What do
} the stars say we should do?" Donald Trump sends me at least one question
} a week, asking what color of building he should buy next.  And of
} course, I recently advised Gorbachev to let Lithuania secede from the
} union, and to get Raisa chunky peanut butter instead of creamy, because
} she likes it better and poor Mickey hasn't been getting any lately.  I
} enjoy answering your questions more, since my advice to world leaders
} usually deals with sensitive topics and far-reaching implications that
} make me nervous; besides, your questions cost the net hundreds if not
} thousands of dollars to send everywhere, and I get 50% of the take.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology for sending more than one question.


103-03    (08651 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great semi-wise one,
>
> What happened to all the dragons and where did they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too many knights having to rescue too many fair maidens by killing too
} many dragons so they could make too many babies and send the world
} toward the crisis it faces now.
}
} Either that or they tended to spontaneously combust.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation why unicorns only let virgins ride
} them.


103-04    (12863 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why can't Bruce Springsteen becoming a dad be used as an accurate
> predictor of the world's imminent demise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let see if if it really is not such a bad predicator of the future
} demise of the world. Let's see if who we should ask.
}
} (Pulls out Time Machine Terminal)
}
} Mail Oracle at iuvax.cs.indiana.edu in 16.Jan.2040
} Subject: Tellme oh wise oracle
} Oh Great Oracle. (And I should certainly know) What are the
} consequences of Bruce Springtein becoming a dad.
} EOF
}
} <Mail Recieved from the year 2040>
} From: The Great Oracle
} Subject: Your Question
} Sorry but the oracle is down for repairs momentarily due to the
} premptive nuclear strike launched by President Springstein.
} You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker.
} EOF
}
} You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker.


103-05    (02684 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why did he do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He didn't really want to, but she offered him her body if he would do
} it, and then they said that they would beat him to a pulp if he didn't,
} and then the government decided to tax people who refused, and then an
} archangel bearing a flaming sword came and explained in golden, gentle,
} merciful terms that he really had to do it, and then the devil appeared
} to him and showed him the fate awaiting him in hell if he didn't do it,
} and then the ghost of socrates came to explain it to him from first
} principles, and then the spanish inquisition showed up much to his
} surprise.  that's why he did it.
}
} so he tried the green eggs and ham, and they were actually pretty good.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A MORAL.


103-06    (46451 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no.  Not another one of these stupid questions.  You know, even the
} Oracle gets tired of these dumb circular loop questions.  I told you
} last time you mailed me one of these idiotic questions to stop playing
} with that home lobotomy kit, but did you listen?  Nooooooooo!


103-07    (16643 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What must i do to become recognised as a net.legend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must write a theory explaining the connection between Jolt Cola and
} cold fusion.  This must explain all known and unknown effects of Jolt
} (such as being able to stay awake longer than a trucker, having the
} mental power of SuperHacker, etc.).  You must explain how to use cold
} fusion to power a PC to lower the power bill.  You must tell The Oracle
} all this before you tell anyone else.
}
} You owe The Oracle all of the above.


103-08    (12854 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when`s the next woodstock gonna b?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, word has it that Snoopy is getting really sick and tired of the
} current Woodstock.  The Oracle predicts that Snoopy will wrap the little
} shit of a bird up in Linus' blanket and drown him in the birdbath.
} Theres also a possibility he'll trade him to the neighbor's cat in
} exchange for some piece and quiet...or use him in some ploy to nab the
} entire 'birdscout' troop.
}
} Of course, once the current Woodstock is gone, C.  Schultz will have to
} come up with a new one within 2 or 3 weeks...He may not want to, but,
} its in Snoopy's contract...
}
} You owe the Oracle a tye dye shirt.


103-09    (13943 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is _Little Debbie Does Dingdongs_ a kind of junk food or a pornography
> movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. Ah, here is the TV-guide listing:
}
} (1 star)
} A cute, innocent young girl named Debbie steals a ding-dong from her
} mother, and immediately becomes addicted.  At first she steals bites out
} of her mother's ding dongs, but fearful she'll get caught soon she is
} sucking her entire allowance into her mouth as ding dongs.  Eventually
} she cannot support her growing habit, and embarks on a life of crime to
} pay for ever-increasing numbers of ding dongs that give her ever shorter
} ding-dong highs.  Debbie realizes she must get help one black day when
} she becomes so fat she cannot get out of bed.  Sadly, Debbie dies of
} cardiac arrest in a home for the criminally obese.
}
} Hmm, sounds like a "war on drugs" propaganda piece for children to me.


103-10    (04376 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           every  now and zen something really
>                           bizarre happens to me like today  i
>                           was      watching     some     road
>                          construction on third and they  had
>                         those   flashing   lights   on  the
>                        things and  i  was  really  getting
>                       into  the  rhythm  but a little too
>                      well  because  i  must   have   got
>                     hypnotized  or something and i just
>                    wandered  around  until  i   bumped
>                   into  some frat guy i said sorry he
>                  said go to hell so i really  wanted
>                 to   try  but  i  had  to  ask  the
>                direction big mistake next thing  i
>               know  im  having  a rather pleasant
>              dream you know the  kind  i  really
>             shouldnt  tell  you  about  but  it
>             doesnt matter because she  insisted
>             on  safe sex but i forgot my helmet
>             so thats when the  nightmare  began
>             at  first  i could only use csh and
>              then i had to use  rn  but  it  was
>               just  too  much  to  take when they
>                made  me  use  emacs  and  i   just
>                 started   screaming  and  screaming
>                  until i bolted awake  all  drenched
>                   and  yelled  is  the mike on is the
>                    mike on and it  was  and  some  guy
>                     was   calling  number  9  number  9
>                      number 9 i only had 6  so  is  this
>                       bizarre   yes   i  needed  to  take
>                        solace in my navel lint  collection
>                         but  to  my  horror it was gone and
>                          they left  behind  gobs  of  vacuum
>                           cleaner  lint  oh so gross im going
>                           to vomit by now my  mind  had  been
>                           in  every  possible  state except i
>                           guess north  dakota  so  id  better
>                           ask the great oracle something real
>                          quick but my shift keys broke  both
>                         really  even  the lock sheesh and i
>                        began to worry that they forgot  me
>                       when  it  struck  me  i  was upside
>                      down and i had 9  but  it  was  too
>                     late  now  i  was really in trouble
>                    id  better  quit   for   now   help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're doing fine.  It'll wear off any minute now.
}
} You owe the oracle a csh script.


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