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Internet Oracularities #1030

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Internet Oracularities #1030    (92 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 16:03:22 -0500 (EST)

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1030  92 votes c9amD 6qDj2 gtpf7 8kts7 7epug 9gDm6 5jDr2 8pxl5 dsoi9 9mAfa
1030  3.0 mean  3.7   2.8   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.0   2.9   2.8   2.9


1030-01    (c9amD dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above, if
> the bible tells you so? Now do you believe in rock and roll? Can music
> save your mortal soul and can you teach me how to dance real slow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long, long time ago
} I can still remember sacrifices
} That were lit on fire
} I put the priestess in a trance
} And I would watch the women dance
} Around the blazing wooden pyre
} But then things became really rotten
} The gods and I were all forgotten
} Temples went to ruin
} No phoenix ever flew in
} I think I let out one quick sob
} When I heard that Zeus got a temp job
} He became just another slob
} The day the worship died
}
} So bye, bye, Miss Grecian Ideal
} Drove the chariot to Sparta, it was missing a wheel
} The gods on Mount Olympus sat on their sandaled heels
} Singing "This'll be the day that I die,
} This'll be the day that I die."
}
} Did you come out of the sea
} And do you want to marry me?
} If your father wants it so
} Now, are you the one with inward eye
} Or the one who cannot tell a lie?
} Forgive me, for I do not know
} Now, I know you cursed his family's name
} 'Cause omniscience is my claim to fame
} The sword went through his heart
} Man, it tore the world apart
} I gave my answers read in goat entrails
} Ambiguity never fails
} But I chewed on my fingernails
} The day the worship died
}
} I started singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} Now, for centuries, I was all alone
} With no temple to call my own
} But I didn't just sit there and grieve
} As I wandered over all the Earth
} Far from the land that gave me birth
} I met up with a man named Steve
} He said, "Do you know the Internet?"
} I said, "I know it all, so, yeah, you bet."
} He said, "I've got a job for you!"
} I had nothing else to do
} His job offer was firm
} The contract was long-term
} And so I moved up to Bloomington
} I thought I might have lots of fun
} But I knew not what I had done
} The day the worship died
}
} I was singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} Unix, Windows, see how my e-mail grows
} The priests selecting the best ten of those
} 80 megs and rising fast
} The storage capacity passed
} The admin tried to make it last
} With Steve Kinzler standing there looking aghast
} Now, the scientists and engineers
} Had been alone for years and years
} They kept it all hush-hush
} Oh, but then came the newbie crush
} 'Cause the college kids discovered me
} AOL set its users free
} That was in the fall of '93
} The day the worship died
}
} They started singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} And the priests were all in one place
} With worried looks upon their face
} With a question asked repeatedly
} They said, "What do you want us all to say?
} This came ten thousand times today."
} I said, "What could that question be?"
} It rhymed and was alliterative
} Forever would this question live
} No zot staff forged in hell
} Could break this question's spell
} And as the papers piled in front of me
} No groveling did I see
} I saw rodents chucking wood with glee
} The day the worship died
}
} They were singing
} (repeat chorus)
}
} I wasn't having too much fun
} I searched for a decent question
} But no good answer could I make
} I walked down to the temple floor
} Where I got good questions years before
} But the priests had no good questions I could take
} And meanwhile, there you were, you know
} Listening to your radio
} The DJ's smoking, that's why
} He played "American Pie"
} And you sent half a verse off to me
} Thinking enigmatically
} I replied with a song parody
} The day the worship died
}
} I was singing
} Bye, bye, Miss Grecian Ideal
} Drove the chariot to Sparta, it was missing a wheel
} The gods on Mount Olympus sat on their sandaled heels
} Singing "This'll be the day that I die,
} This'll be the day that I die."


1030-02    (6qDj2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose driving record is as clean as the brand new
> frying pan I bought to repalce the one that recently caught fire and
> who inspires awe in metermaids everywhere such that they use those
> nifty flashlight-wand-thingies-like-the-ones-used-to-land-airplanes
> to direct you into the space in front of the fire plug, I need
> your advice.
>
> I drove to a friend's house the other day, and parked in the parking
> lot. In the five minutes it took me to go inside and get a guest
> permit, one of those excessively bright DayGlo-orange tickets appeared
> on my windshield for parking without a permit. How did it get there,
> and how shall I procede?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fight the power
} Fight the power
} Fight the power
}
} It is time for the parkers of the world to unite and throw off the
} facism of the parking police!
}
} Which reminds me of a story.
}
} In order to receive my diploma from a large and reputable University, I
} had to resolve all of my parking tickets.  It cost about $300, bringing
} the total for my four years up to about $1500.
}
} Then, within a few months I got my first Alumni newsletter.  It was
} about the price of parking space and a plea for money.  The main thrust
} was that each parking space cost upwards of $700, so please send money.
}
} I wrote and told them that I would contribute when they put a little
} brass plaque on the two faculty spots I had already paid for, like they
} do with bleacher seats in the stadium.
}
} I haven't heard from the Alumni Association since.
}
} You owe the Oracle an A permit


1030-03    (gtpf7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Urrrghghhhhh..hahghghghavbbghgggrrrrtrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og, that just won't do. You'll never be a "Microsoft Certified Caveman"
} unless you evolve a bit faster.


1030-04    (8kts7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle! I know your lap times are faster than Mick Doohan's, I
> know your tires never wear out, your knee pucks, while scraped, never
> need replacement, your gas tank never needs refilling (even during a 24
> hour edurance race!), your steering dampener is always adjusted, your
> forks never need revalving, your chain never needs tighting, and (of
> course!) your motor never needs service. You've master Daytona better
> than Russel could ever dream of. You're faster through the Laguna Seca
> Corkscrew than all of the World Superbike bozo's put together. You can
> fly through the Sear's Point Carasel faster then DuHammel can ever
> think about dreaming about. Oh great and might Oracle, do answer me
> this one question!
>
> When I come out of turn 5 at Willow springs there is that annoying turn
> six. I mean, hell, it's an off camber right hand turn and right at the
> apex it starts going sharply down hill. Whenever I try to go fast
> through that turn my YZF-R1 wheelies badly going into the corner and
> then give me some really violent head-shake as I apex. This is most
> disconserting at 110 miles per hour. I've seen you take this corner on
> your bike at almost Mach 34.5 (with Lisa on the back!) -- so I know
> it's possible that I can go just a bit faster. What should I do?
>
> A humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have some good news and some bad news.
}
} The good news is, it's not your fault -- it's Yamaha's.  They chose the
} slant block in-line four-cylinder engine because they thought they
} could get about 10% more horsepower than the Harley.  But using the
} slant block in-line forced them to use the Deltabox II frame, based on
} 10-year-old Deltabox technology.  The upgrade is able to achieve a 56
} degree lean angle, but the wheelbase is still less than 1.4 meters.
} The result is that certain road irregularities that are totally
} invisible to other motorcycles cause the YZF-R1 to oscillate.  This
} causes a shimmy at some certain resonant speed -- between 100 and 150
} miles per hour, depending on the size and weight of the driver.
}
} The bad news is, your girlfriend has a different size, different
} weight, and different center of gravity than you do.  She could take
} the bike through that same curve at 120, or even 135 with practice, and
} never have the same problem you do.  This will make you look bad, very
} bad.  I suggest you look for another girlfriend at once.
}
} But the Oracle sees that you seek practical riding advice.  I'm ready
} for this.
}
} You may be able to get some better speed by reducing the weight of the
} bike -- 177kg is just too much for you to handle, at least until you
} lose some weight.  Remove the instrumentation and electronics, along
} with all of the mounting brackets and any other unneccesary metal.  For
} best results, take a file to any metal parts of the motorcycle that
} aren't subject to very much stress, such as the ends of the handlebars
} or the struts holding the gas tank to the rest of the frame.
}
} You should also consider changing the wheels, especially the rear
} 6.00-17 rear wheel, or at least the tires, with something smaller.  I
} would recommend the Schwinn S-6 26x1.375-inch wheel, with either the
} "knobby" or "balloon" tires.
}
} Remove the brakes and the seat before you ride.  Calculate how much
} fuel you will need -- don't put anything extra in the gas tank.
} Consider changing fuel types to lower the weight still more -- liquid
} nitro glycerin works well, although this will require a few engine
} adjustments.
}
} Don't eat or drink anything for 36 hours before you ride, and get a
} haircut and a shave.  If local laws permit, don't wear any helmet,
} shoes, or any other clothing -- a jock strap would probably be prudent,
} but that's pushing it.  Amputation of unrequired limbs would help still
} more, but can lead to medical complications -- so I don't advise it.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the bits you remove from your motorcycle.


1030-05    (7epug dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who can always find the TV remote,
>
> What would a X-Files/Highlander crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      There can be only one out there.


1030-06    (9gDm6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, of infinite talent & skill, whose feet are swifter than
> Ronaldo's, whose thighs are bigger than Alan Shearer's, whose striking
> is more sure than Jurgen Klinsman's, whose hands are safer than David
> Seaman's, please answer this football-crazed supplicants plea:
>
> Given the violence perpetrated by hooligans in Marseille and the result
> in Toulouse, what are the English thugs likely to get up next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's difficult for this incarnation to say - here in the U.S., the
} "football hooligans" are the players. And their agents.
}
} Still, you need an answer. What are the English thugs likely to get up
} next? Probably a long line of product endorsements:
}
} "I drink Fred's Ale because the bottles don't break the first time you
} hit someone!"
}
} "Craftsman tools - when you have to dismantle the stadium in a hurry!"
}
} "American Express - don't burn someone's home without it!"
}
} Sorry - American sports have that effect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a REAL football game - where the players wear armor!


1030-07    (5jDr2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oz^Hracle,
>
> I've been trying to find a pair of Ruby
> Slippers(tm)(r)(sm)[pat.pending], but cannot seem to find any in the
> shops here.
>
> Is there a mail order catalog available where I can buy a size 12
> (womens) at an affordable price?
>
> Thank so much, you are a dear!
>
> Hugs and kisses -- Wally  inmate 8765309

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, Wally! Good to hear from you. Guido says Hi, and that he'll take
} good care of your stash until you get out.
}
} Ruby slippers by mail, eh? Boy, that's a tough one. I'd send you the
} latest Frederick's of Hollywood catalog on CD-ROM, but the prison won't
} let it through. (Somebody told one of the guards that computer disks
} have files on them. Smart move.)
}
} Barring that (sorry - couldn't resist), size 12 isn't as hard to find
} as you might think. You think the Wicked Witch of the East had tiny
} feet? Not likely. Even the Good Witch of the North doesn't tell -some-
} secrets.
}
} Try checking with the warden - his wife might have a pair. If he gives
} you a hard time, tell him "Marty" in "Chicago" has his "pictures."
} He'll come around. (One of the pictures shows a quite fetching lady -
} not the warden's wife (wink wink) - in a pair of sassy red pumps and
} not much else. She -does- bear a striking resemblance to the warden
} himself, though. (wink, wink))
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with "Dorothy" over in Cellblock G.


1030-08    (8pxl5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Lady Lisa is on a balcony, dressed in her finest, a pale sliver
}   of a silver moon lights her beautiful face, graced by a tiara. ]
}
} Lisa: O Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle?
}       Deny my bother and abuse my lack of shame,
}       or if thou wilt not, be but swore my love,
}       And I'll no longer be a strumpet.
}
} [ Oracle enters dressed as a hayseed, carrying a banjo.
}   Lisa's jaw drops.]
}
} Oracle sings:
}
} I come from the U of Indiana with my Lisa on my knee
} And I'm going to the Southern Cone where mi vida nuevo waits for me
}
} [Lisa is heard muttering "what?" ]
}
} but the queue filled up all night the day I left, the humor began to
} fly, The SunOS got hot, I wrote to death, Lisa don't you cry
}
} [ Lisa is heard to mutter "I won't." ]
}
} Refrain:
} Oh Hot Lisa oh don't you cry for me
} For I'm going to the Southern Cone with my queue behind me
}
} [ Lisa storms off stage and is heard saying "I'll see about that,
}   Zadoc...oh, Zadoc..." ]


1030-09    (dsoi9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who always passes any test ...
>
> This Kool-Aid is supposed to be electric. So, why does nothing register
> on the ammeter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're forgetting the acid part of the test young supplicant.
}
} Problem is that good acid is hard to find now-a-days, No Owsley
} wandering around with a baby jar of pure `25 like back in the early
} sixties. Man, those were the days. . .
}
} { screen goes wavy --- harp music is heard briefly --- then
}  replaced by "Truckin'" at full volume on a cheesy Sears' record
}  player }
}
} [ Scene: Someone's garage. Everyone is sitting in bean bag chairs
}   before a "coffee table" made of a wooden door on cinder-blocks.
}   The "table" is littered with Zig-Zag rolling papers, pot seeds,
}   copies of Zap and The Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. Comix. A big
}   bong sits forlornly in the middle of the table... ]
}
} Oracle: Wow.
}
} Lisa: Wow.
}
} Zadoc: Forple?
}
} Oracle and Lisa together: Wow.
}
} { harp music ----- screen goes wavy }
}
}                       + + + + + + + +
}
} Then again, maybe those weren't the days.
}
} Kid, stop your foolishness and get back to studying. Get a job,
} get rich. Buy lots of stock in war-related industries.
}
} You the Oracle a signed copy of Zap #1.


1030-10    (9mAfa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou whose whoopie cushions not only make the most
> realistic noise of all, but even smell like rotten eggs.
>
> Oracle, Steve Kinzler is away on holiday in South America. Have you
> prepared any practical jokes to play on him as he wanders around
> various countries? If so, what are they, and how will they turn out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I obviously cannot reveal all of my plans, I will share a small
} sample:
} 1 - While he is in Brazil, my agents will stage a revolution.  He will
} be arrested, tortured, and shot.
} 2 - In Argentina, his hotel room will be invaded by crazed football
} fans.  He will be dragged from his room, tarred and feathered, and
} shot.
} 3 - In Peru, he will meet a bear who will inquire after her nephew.
} When he answers, she will bite him.  He will be hospitalized and given
} a shot.
} 4 - In Germany -- you say he isn't going to Germany?  Not as far as he
} knows....
}
} You owe the Oracle a 40,000 V joy-buzzer.


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