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Internet Oracularities #1031

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1031, 1031-01, 1031-02, 1031-03, 1031-04, 1031-05, 1031-06, 1031-07, 1031-08, 1031-09, 1031-10


Internet Oracularities #1031    (78 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 08:39:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1031
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1031  78 votes awt61 1iqmb 0gAl5 cdljd 9pr98 4etla hjcjb 8jflf cdqi9 erna4
1031  3.0 mean  2.4   3.3   3.2   3.1   2.8   3.2   2.8   3.2   3.0   2.5


1031-01    (awt61 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who should be Launched into Eternity as a reward for your
> brilliant wisdom which you share so willingly with us Lowly Mortals;
>
> During the French Revolution it was said: "The best goddesses is
> Reason, though her teeth are a little defective."
>
> What in the heck does that mean?
>
> I thank you Wise Oracle for your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never agreed with that. Reason was one of the dullest of the
} goddesses. You see what happened is she was the most USEFUL goddess.
} You see, Reason always tended to side with the smarter people. So after
} a while the smarter people started to use Reason against the dumber
} people to get thier own way.  And of coarse wise-sounding sayings
} like the one you mentioned are always coined by the smarter people.
} (No one would listen if a dumber person tryed to.)
}     Unfortunetly She took sides in to many petty squables and she
} began to loose her credibilty as a goddess. Nowadays nobody listens to
} Reason.  As for her teath...It's not realy a topic of discussion for a
} family service like this, so I'll let you work it out yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't try to 'launch' him
} ANYWHERE.


1031-02    (1iqmb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty knowledge-master-person, who, being omniscient, is sadly
> unable to avoid seeing children's television, what are the lyrics to
> the Mr. Roget's Neighborhood song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Ah, Mr. Rogets. I hadn't pondered that AI attempt in years.
}  For those of you that didn't have satellite dishes in 1972,
}  Mr. Rogets was an attempt to use early AI programs to upgrade
}  the educational level of children's TV. A Noble Goal. Didn't
}  work, and you'll soon see why. BUT it was the precursor to
}  successful kids' educational shows like Sesame St. and All of
}  My Children.
}
} Here's how it worked.
}
} Original text in:
}                         -------------
} It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,
} A beautiful day for a neighbor.
} Would you be mine,
} Could you be mine,
} Won't you be my neighbor?
}                         ------------
}
} Then this type of stuff would come out:
}
}                         ------------
} It's a(n) exquisite, attractive, handsome, becoming, shapely,
} engaging, captivating, bewitching unit of time equal to twenty-four
} hours, or the time it takes the earth to rotate once on its axis
} in the vicinity, community, district, area.
}
} A(n) excellent, superior, magnificent, first-rate, first-class, superb,
} fine period between two successive midnights in the quarter, locality,
} or precinct.
}
} Would the person or persons being addressed be a deep hole or system of
} holes made in the earth, from which mineral substances such as gold,
} coal, or precious stones are extracted i.e. a(n) quarry, colliery,
} excavation, well, pit, or tunnel,
}
} Could the person or persons being addressed be a deep hole or system of
} holes made in the earth, from which mineral substances such as gold,
} coal, or precious stones are extracted  i.e. a(n) quarry, colliery,
} excavation, well, pit, or tunnel,
}
} Won't the person or persons being addressed be a fellow human.
} who demonstrates kindness and friendship toward others?
}                         ------------
}
} It just took too much de-bugging by hand to be commercially viable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sweater.


1031-03    (0gAl5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dog here!
> Whimper, whimper. Cower, cower.
> Arf arf arf, bark bark bark. Grrrrrufff? Ruff, grrch, arf. Haarrrruff
> woof grunt snort whimper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good boy!  You grovel better than most humans.  To answer your first
} question, I'd definitely recommend either the inside of your master's
} shoes, the foot of his bed, or in the dishwasher if you can get to it.
} For your second question, it's not that the other animals dislike you,
} it's just that your outgoing, friendly nature generally gives them the
} impression that you are going to trample or devour them.  I'm afraid
} that's just the price you have to pay for being a dog.
}
} You owe the Oracle a biscuit.


1031-04    (cdljd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 101001001010001010100011001100001011011101001010011000010101100001101110
> 011001010100001011011000101100000101101101010011001110110100101010101110
> 001101010101010101010101010110101001101010101010111000101010001101001010
> 100101101010010101011010101010101010101010101001011001011011001011010100
> 101010110010101011001010101010000010101011110010101010011010100110101001
> 100101010101010000010110100101010101101000110101

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Talk about an over-byte!


1031-05    (9pr98 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think this is, Storytime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be under a delusion of confused subject
} matter.  Let's examine the contents and make comparisons.
}
} Storytime (P.B.S.)         | Oracletime(R.H.O.)
} ---------------------------+---------------------------
} Any kind of Dog            | Any kind of Og
} The Art Lesson             | The Zot Lesson
} A Big Fat Enormous Lie     | Orrie Never Lies
} Chicka Chicka Boom Boom    | Lisa
} Dinner at the Panda Palace | The Pandas Must Die
} The Fortune Tellers        | "Tell me"
} Franklin in the Dark       | Infocom Games
} Goldilocks and the Three   | Orrie and the Many
}     Bears                  |    Neanderthals
} Go Away Big Green Monster  | Go away Juno Questions
} Gorilla                    | Gorilla Arm Jargon
} Grandma's Cat              | Shrodinger's Cat
} Hey Bug!                   | Hoi Zadoc!
} The Little Red Hen         | Marxist One-liners
} Ollie Knows Everything     | Orrie Knows Everything
} Prize in the Snow          | Writing Names in the Snow
} Rumplestiltskin            | Must kill. Rips ten.
} Secret Place               | Secret Priests
} The Seven Chinese Brothers | The Tao of Hot Dog Vendors
} Super Dooper Jezebel       | Lisa (again)
} What's Good/What's bad     | The Crossover Questions
} Winnie the Witch           | Winnie the Pooh Does Roo
}
} and the Number one difference between Storytime and Orrietime:
}
} Too Many Tamales           | Too many W**dch**k Questions
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete collected works of
} Theodore Seuss Giesel and A. A. Milne.
}
} I know this wasn't particularly funny, but _you_ didn't
} grovel either.


1031-06    (4etla dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TO: I. ORACLE
> FROM: AGENT OMEGA, MiB
>
> DEAR SIR,
>     IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOUR GREEN CARD, ALLOWING YOU TO
> WORK HERE ON EARTH, IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE. PLEASE EITHER CONTACT OUR
> DEPARTMENT PROVING HOW YOUR CONTINUED SERVICE HERE OF PROVIDING ADVICE
> IS BENEFICIAL TO EARTH, OR RETURN TO YOUR PLACE OF ORIGIN.
>
>     WHILE WE ARE AWARE THAT YOUR CURRENT HOME PLANET/GALEXY/DIMENSION
> IS CURRENTLY BEING RUN BY HYPER-INTELIGENT WOODCHUCKS, WE MUST INSIST
> ON ALL LEGAL RULES AND REGULATIONS, AS SET OUT IN SECTION 12 OF TREATY
> 3239A BETWEEN EARTH AND THE EMPIRE OF HYPER INTELLIGENT WOODCHUCKS, BE
> CARRIED OUT.
>
>     HOPING FOR A QUICK SOLUTION TO OUR MUTUAL PROBLEM,
>                         AGENT OMEGA
>                         MEN IN BLACK
>                         EXTRATERESTRIAL LABOR DIVISION
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How is my continual advice here on earth of service to you measly
} mortals? Who was it who advised you 'Men in Black' about free email
} providers, saving you five million dollars annually over your previous
} AOL accounts?
}
} But seriously, if I wasn't here, who would have advised Bill Clinton to
} make his moves on Monica Lewinsky in a private room at the White House
} rather than at a public press conference as he planned? Who would have
} advised the American Government that swapping the US$ for Indonesian
} Ringgits was a *really* bad idea. Who would have advised Boris Yeltsin
} that pouring the entire USSR grain harvest into the Caspian Sea in an
} attempt to brew whiskey was a definite no-no, and would have tasted
} horribly salty to boot. Who would have stopped Her Majesty the Queen
} putting on a lycra minidress and auditioning for Geri's place in The
} Spice Girls.
}
} Furthermore, in the future, I will be of use to the people of Earth in
} the following ways:
}
} (i) I will appear on television advising children to eat all their
} vegetables. I will be on hand to prevent the mass defoliation that will
} result when the children take me just a little *too* seriously.
}
} (ii) I will singlehandedly put Yugoslavia back together, causing such
} vibrant ethnic harmony that the Serbian Prime Minister will jump on the
} Bosnian President and frantically frottage him on live television.
}
} (iii) I will solve all your dwindling fuel supplies problems by
} inventing a car than runs on discarded McDonald's food packaging. I'll
} also solve your race's entire food poisioning problems by encouraging
} McDonalds to cut out the middle step and go straight into fuel
} delivery.
}
} (iv) I will not only bring the bald eagle back from the brink of
} extinction, but design a line of great little wigs that won't fall off
} in flight.
}
} (v) I will speak at the next convention of the Klu-Klux-Klan so
} convincingly explaining the error of their ways, that white hooded
} figures frantically dancing will become a cliche in rap videos.
}
} And finally, I will save your accountants migrane headaches by reducing
} your cash reserves by the entirely reasonable amount of five million
} dollars.


1031-07    (hjcjb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
>               !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> If you get an email in your mailbox with a subject of 'Answer #QaXXXXX,
> The Oracle requires an answer to this question', WHATEVER YOU DO, DO
> NOT OPEN IT. The message is a deadly virus that will trash your hard
> disk, post all your files to non-binary newsgroups, and completely
> obliterate your spare time.
>
> WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T OPEN THE MESSAGE.
>
> THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! COPY THIS EMAIL AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! DON'T
> LET YOUR FRIENDS BECOME A VICTIM OF THE INTERNET ORACLE VIRUS.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicAAAAAAaaaaaguuuuuggggh.....


1031-08    (8jflf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, commander of chefs;
>
> What is the difference between a colonel and a kernel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The difference, my little finger-licker, is in whether you're
} eating the chicken, or the chicken's eating you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bucket of cole slaw.


1031-09    (cdqi9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
>               !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> If you get an email in your mailbox with a subject of 'Answer #QaXXXXX,
> The Oracle requires an answer to this question', WHATEVER YOU DO, DO
> NOT OPEN IT. The message is a deadly virus that will trash your hard
> disk, post all your files to non-binary newsgroups, and completely
> obliterate your spare time.
>
> WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T OPEN THE MESSAGE.
>
> THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! COPY THIS EMAIL AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! DON'T
> LET YOUR FRIENDS BECOME A VICTIM OF THE INTERNET ORACLE VIRUS.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello there, Zadoc here.  The Oracle is with Lisa, um, er, well,
} pondering the imponderables, and He left me to look after the queue
} until he's back. Hmm, sounds important... However, I don't think it
} applies to me.  In His infinite and ineffable wisdom, I am only allowed
} to write responses by hand-carving them onto stone tablets, translate
} them into ASCII using an abacus, and entering the bits on an electrical
} toggle-switch, which is connected to a modem I hand-wired on a
} protoboard.  It's rather slow-going, but "the Oracle knows best", at
} least if I want to keep my component molecules in the same building.
} So, there's no hard disk or files here.  And He makes completely sure
} that my spare time is obliterated, especially since he caught me
} spending it with Lisa, who's certainly worth her weight in spare
} time...
}
} "Yo, Za-dude!"
}
} Kendai!?!  What are you doing here?  I thought you were a short-lived
} fad that had faded into the back issues of the Oracularities.
}
} "Well, I noticed that Orrie's Omniscient Friends Network drive wasn't
} plugged in, and I figured the O-dude wouldn't be back to notice for a
} while..."
}
} No!  That's the Oracle's entire base of knowledge, without which he'll
} have to invent humorous but wildly inaccurate responses to the
} questions he gets!  You don't understand, there's a virus and it'll --
}
} (worm@oracle)% Incoming email...
} (worm@oracle)% Subject: Answer #Qa1138, the Oracle requi...
}
} (worm@oracle)% Overwriting all files now...
} (worm@oracle)% Your system is now obliterated.  Have a nice day.
}
} Oh boy.  The Master isn't going to like this...
}
} You owe the Oracle all of the knowledge in the universe.  You also owe
} Zadoc a plane ticket to anywhere outside of Indiana.  Anywhere at all.


1031-10    (erna4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you that I am assuming does not want to see humans die
> by the train-load, you that are Smart and has never been 86'ed;
>
> What will be the ramifications on the world at large when Popocatepetl,
> the 5465 meter, very active, volcano near Mexico City goes off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 10 Ramifications of Popocatepetl Erupting
} ---------------------------------------------
}
} 10) New fast food craze, 'Sulphur Smoked Tacos' sweeps world.
}  9) After hot sulphurous gases released, common phrase, 'Hey meester,
}     you want to play weeth my seester?' replaced with 'Hey meester, you
}     want to pop my seester's bleesters?'
}  8) Newly delivered Mexico constructed VW Beetles noted to be driving
}     up to 50 miles before first refuelling.
}  7) Top 10 lists shortened to 4 by volcanic bomb falling
}
} <SPLAT!!!!!>


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