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Internet Oracularities #1032

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Internet Oracularities #1032    (72 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST)

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1032  72 votes aoid7 cjjl1 3jofb 5kml4 3bEf3 9ekib 5bhjk brfc7 9evc6 efme7
1032  3.0 mean  2.8   2.7   3.2   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.5   2.7   2.9   2.8


1032-01    (aoid7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent oracle, I love thee dearly
>
> This is the story of about 15 minutes of my Friday night in a
> taxi-cab.  I have attempted to preserve every bit of dialogue.
>
> Alison:       The Intercontinental on Michigan, please.
> Cabbie:       Sure thing.
> (about five minutes pass in near silence, the jazz on the radion is
> near inaudible)
> C:    You cook with a microwave?
> A:    Nope, hate'em.  Can't stand 'em.  Don't even have one
> at home.
> C:    Well, they won't let you have a hot plate at the YMCA.
> You got to cook in a microwave.
> A:    I see.
> C:    I just started using plastic wrap.  You ever use plastic
> wrap?
> A:    I am familiar with it, yes.
> C:    Well, I wrapped my chicken in plastic wrap, then i micro-
> waved it.
> A:    Really?  It didn't get tough?
> C:    No, it was so tender.  I thought the plastic would melt at
> first, but it didn't.
> A:    Amazing.
> C;    The steak was even better.
> A:    Steak?
> C:    Yeah, I cooked the steak with the plastic wrap, and it was
> delicious.
> A:    Hmmm.
> C:    I never used to be able to eat microwave cooking.  I would
> throw up.
> A:    That can't be good.
> C:    No, but these new microwaves - the Y just got them - these
> new ones are great.  I don't throw up.
> A:    Wow.
> C:    I made the steak with scrambled eggs and rice.  I took almost
> a 3/4 stick of butter and put it in with the eggs and the rice.
> A:    Are you trying to kill yourself eating like that?
> C:    I don't eat it everyday.  I have it only every couple of
> months. It's like pork.  I don't eat pork everday.  Gives me a
> nosebleed.
> A:    A nosebleed?
> C:    Yeah, one time I had ham on one day, and Italian sausage the
> next, and breakfast sausage, and a pork roast, and some chitterlings.
> About a week later, I had a nosebleed.
> A:    Hmmm...
> C:    One day, I sat down and ate a whole roast.
> A:    See, you are trying to kill yourself.
> C:    You don't know me.  I can't resist a sale.  I got that roast
> at 98 cents a pound.  I couldn't believe it.  I go to the market
> everday. It's never been that cheap.
> A:    And you ate the whole thing?
> C:    I didn't know I ate the whole thing.  I was too drunk to
> remember.  I woke up, and thought, "Damn, I left the roast in the
> oven." So, when I went to get it out, there wasn't even gravy left.
> A:    Because you ate it?
> C:    Yeah, I ate the whole thing.  That's why I take notes.
> A:    Notes?
> C:    Yeah, you got to take notes when you drink, so when you black
> out, nobody can say that you acted crazy the night before.  You got
> everything written down.
> A:    You drink until you black out?
> C:    Not all the time I don't...  I got a problem...  I can't
> drink nothing else.
> A:    Huh?
> C:    I can't take the chemicals they put in the water.  I swell up
> and get all itchy.  Get bumps all over me.  Can't drink no water, no
> milk, no juice, no nothing.
> A:    What do you drink?
> C:    Got to drink beer made the old-fashioned way.  They say it's
> made with spring water, and they're the only ones that ain't lying. I
> tried every kind of water, tap water, spring water, I tried this kind
> and that kind.
> A:    They all have chemicals?
> C:    Yup.  It's some kind of thing to kill the bacteria.  And they
> all have it. That's why I gotta drink old-fashioned.
> A:    Have you tried distilled water?
> C:    Yup.
> A:    Did you try a Britta filter?
> C:    I tried a Britta, some kind of Culligan system, and my friend
> paid $1200 for his system, and he brought me over to try it.  Nope.
> Swelled up.
> A:    Unbelievable.
> C:    I've been living like this for 27 years.  I can't drink
> nothing.
> A:    Have you ever had allergy testing?
> C:    I tried everything.  Doctors told me I had excema, they told
> me I had acne, one even told me I had skin cancer.
> A:    How did you figure it out?  I mean, water is in everything.
> C:    Well, once when I was on welfare, I got an extra check, and I
> was drinking for days and days.  I just kept going until my skin
> cleared up. I couldn't believe it.  No one could believe it.  Then,
> after a while, I drank some tap water, and the whole thing happened
> again.  My girlfriend woke up and saw me, and started screaming, cuz I
> was so swollen up.
>
> Was I supposed to learn something from this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That Chicago's "Big Shoulders" apparently support a tiny little brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle some distilled beer.


1032-02    (cjjl1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Rats.....(Nauru Island)
>      Pigs.....(New Hebrides Islands)
>      Snails.....(Paraguay)
>      Rice.....(Phillipines)
>      Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands)
>      Coconuts.....(Car Nicobar)
>      Boar Tusks.....(New Guinea)
>      Whale's Teeth.....(Fiji)
>      Dog's Teeth.....(Solomon Islands)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, Next time you try copying one of my recipes, make sure you
} get the ingredients and quantities right. Heres the full recipe. I just
} hope you havent killed yourself yet.
}
} The Oracles Recipe for
} Stuffed Rat Intestine Surprise!
} (makes 2 portions, health nuts can go whine to the FDA)
}
} 2      Rats, fresh...........(Nauru Island)
} 3      Pigs, Pickled.........(New Hebrides Islands)
} 13     Snails................(Paraguay)
} 2 lbs  Rice..................(Phillipines)
} 24     Songbird Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands)
} 2      Coconuts..............(Car Nicobar)
} 4      Boar Tusks (ground)...(New Guinea)
} 5      Killer Whale's Teeth..(Fiji)
}        Lard..................(US Congress)
}        Vinegar...............(Paris)
}        Oregano...............(Oregano)
}        Baking Soda...........(Soda Springs)
}        Rubbing Alcohol.......(Yankee Stadium)
}        Ground Dog's Teeth....(Solomon Islands)
}
} Gut your rats, being carefull not to damage the intestines. You can
} keep all the organs and bones for soup stock which you can can and sell
} to any local SuperMarket. Then wash the intestines in warm Rubbing
} Alcohol, making sure that the Membrane expands to its full length and
} diameter (should be about 30 Feet by 1 inch. each). Rinse, and rub with
} Republican Lard to prevent decay or any other motion whatsoever, then
} wrap in plastic foil and keep cooled.
} If youre Pigs are not Pickled yet, please do so now, referring to the
} instructions published by Og in Ogs cookbook: "Beat food over head".
} Now simmer the pigs in Oregano Water for 24 days, adding the Ground
} Boars Tusk on the 18th Day to ensure thickening. If this did not result
} in a thick white paste, start over, because the intestines will be
} useless by the time you get another batch going due to Democratic
} Drift.
} Increase heat and add the Snails (deshelled), Rice, and ground Coconut
} Shell (toss the meat and the juice, its worthless), and cook till the
} rice is nice and tender.
} Strain out the Snails and run them through a Blender set at
} Thermonuclear Holocaust, to make sure they have lost all of the latent
} poisons, and glow nicely. Re-add the snail mixture to the paste and
} stir at low heat untill the entire pot (the pot, not the paste) has a
} reading of 400mRad. You may need to add some water to keep the fluid
} viscous.
} Now for the most important part: Take the Killer whales teeth and
} fashion a flat utensil out of them, becuase during this stage you
} cannot touch the mixture or it will loose all its airiness. Seperate
} the paste into two equal portions, and tie off one end of each
} intestine. Into one batch, pour 1 part vinegar for each 4 parts paste
} (size may vary by Tusk). Into the other, add 1 part of baking soda for
} each 2 parts of paste. Mix thoroughly, adding dogs teeth to taste.
} Now, fill each intestine with the paste and use whatevers left to
} irradiate small farming communities, then Tie off the Intestines.
} At this point, for presentation, you may want to divide the intestines
} into smaller portions, depending on how many people you want to ki....
} uh, feed. You can also do Celtic Weaving, Crocheing, Sowing, or make
} Baloon animals with it, but be sure that the 2 different intestine
} types always stay right next to each other.
} Serve with a nice Chianti or a bottle of Mutagen... Oh, and dont forget
} to Duck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small irradiated Farming community so he can
} finally get the final ingredient to 'Great Balls of Fire', a recipe
} involving whole Brains of differing species and *lots* of alcohol.


1032-03    (3jofb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, some time ago I was 21. Suddenly I'm 28! What the hell went
> wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear $num,
}
} Nothing is wrong little variable, that is your nature.  You'll find
} your value changing constantly over time, one time the program will be
} run and you'll be 21, next time 28. Sometimes you may find yourself
} undefined or zeroed out, but don't let that dismay you, as long as the
} code you're in continues to be useful to the wetware you'll find
} yourself changing all the time. Why you can even change during the
} course of the program.  And if you're lucky, some day you might even
} find another variable assigned to you or you could become part of an
} array! So chin up $num! It's part of life.
}
} until (/$later/),
}
} Orrie
}
} You owe the Oracle a useful error message.


1032-04    (5kml4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Serene,
>
> There's a tap-tap-tapping coming from my head. What could it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like your values are shot. Gonna have to have a value job.
}
} It's easy to fix. Here's the steps:
}
}    * The head is disassembled.
}
}    * The head is put in a 300+ oven to remove blood, old ideas, dirt,
}      and alcohol damaged neurons.
}
}    * If the head is a 1960 or older model, it is then put in the
}      double-ought shot blaster. If the head is newer than 1960 it is
}      put in the styrofoam blaster. These blasters will remove any
}      remaining debris from the head.
}
}    * Each value is inspected for wear and damage. Values can be
}      damaged in a number of ways. Mostly due to abuse such as holding
}      two violently opposing ideas in the same part of the brain, like
}      Al Gore is alive/Al Gore is, well, Al Gore.
}
}    * Each value that is damaged must be refaced and the angles
}      re-cut. Do not play any music or hum while doing this or that tune
}      may be permanently imprinted in the value. [NOTE:  Purposely
}      embedding a tune in a value is a federal offense!]
}
}    * Grease up a new gasket, and slap it back together.
}
} There you go supplicant. You owe the Oracle a snappy jingle.


1032-05    (3bEf3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who can pull an all-nighter whenever he needs to.
>
> Why do we need to sleep?  It seems so inefficient to waste so much
> time doing nothing.  Will this be fixed in the next system upgrade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's when your brain is doing backups.  That's why minor brain
} injuries sometimes don't cause major problems -- there were extra
} copies of information and programs stored somewhere in there.
}
} In the next system upgrade, even more vital data will be backed
} up, it will run 60% faster, and there will be an index so that
} you never have to spend time trying to remember something --
} you'll immediately be able to look it up.  This will be in
} Brain2095, which should become available sometime late in 2107.


1032-06    (9ekib dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, my terminal just blinks.
> I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
> I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
>
> My head spins from Virtual Reality.
> I don't have Video on demand.
> I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
> And Shop At Home has kinks.
> I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
> I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, you don't know NOTHING `bout no blues...
}
} [ Oracle pulls out a shiny, jet electric guitar, the house lights
}   dim... Lisa is on bass, Og on drums. ]
}
} Oracle: going to do the blues, going to do Red House...
}
} [ Ear-shattering feedback as the ORACLE GETS DOWN! ]
}
} |-----11----11----------11----11----11-|
} |-/10-10----------10----10----10----10-|
} |-/11----11----11----11----11----11----|
} |--------------------------------------|
} |--------------------------------------|
} |--------------------------------------|
}
} |-------10----10-----10-----10-----10--|
} |-10/9--9-----9---9--9------9---9--9---|
} |-11/10----10-----------10---------10--|
} |--------------------------------------|
} |--------------------------------------|
} |--------------------------------------|
}
}         There's a rhod house over yonder.
}         That's where my ungrateful followers stays.
}         Steve, there's a rhod house over yonder,
}         Steve, that's where my ungrateful followers stays.
}         I ain't been there to see my ungrateful followers
}         In ninety-nine and one half days.
}
} |------------------------------|-------------------7------9-7---------|
} |-----10'~~10'~~10'~~10'~~-----|--10'-10-10'-10'-7---10-7-----10-7----|
} |----------10---10---10--------|-------------9---------------------9'-|
} |------------------------------|--------------------------------------|
} |-9----------------------------|--------------------------------------|
} |-7----------------------------|--------------------------------------|
}
}         Wait a minute, something's wrong here,
}         The pgp key won't unlock this file.
}         Wait a minute, something's wrong,
}         Kinzler have mercy, this pgp key won't unlock this file.
}         Something's gone wrong here--
}         I have a bad, bad feeling
}         That my ungrateful followers think I won't show them the door.
}
}         That's alright--I still got my guitar.
}
}  [ Oracle RIPS into a skin-tingling solo ]
}
} |---------------10-12'---10-------10'-|
} |----12-12~~12~~------------12~~~-----|
} |-11----------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------|
}
} |----------14'---14-12-14--10-12-12'--10h12p10----10h12p10----|
} |-------12-------------------------------------12----------12-|
} |-11/13-------------------------------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------------------------------|
} |-------------------------------------------------------------|
}
} |-10h12p10----10-12'---10h12p10---------7--------------------|
} |----------12-------------------12-10'--7-7-7h10p7-----------|
} |--------------------------------------------------9-7---7/8-|
} |------------------------------------------------------9-----|
} |------------------------------------------------------------|
} |------------------------------------------------------------|
}
} |------7------9p7---10p7---10p7----...
} |----7---10p7-----9------7------7--...
} |-9'-------------------------------...
} |----------------------------------...
} |----------------------------------...
} |----------------------------------...
}
}         Well, I might as well go back over yonder
}         Way back among the hills.
}         Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
}         Kinzler, I might as well go back over yonder
}         Way back yonder across the hills.
}
}         `cause if my ungrateful followers don't luv me no more,
}         I know September's next batch will.


1032-07    (5bhjk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my wife being naughty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, she is.
}
} I wish all the other supplicants were as quick and willing to pay the
} Oracle as you are, generous supplicant.


1032-08    (brfc7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle who could rent a car with his bare hands if he wished
> to do so, please answer my question;
>
> How does one care for a paper tiger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, but don't use my mom's good scissors.
}
} you owe the oracle a way out of my room


1032-09    (9evc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey there, Orrie most global, tell me this:
>
> What's the point of America ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mt. McKinley in Alaska at 20,320 ft. (6164 meters).
}
} You owe the Oracle an ice-pick and a Yeti.


1032-10    (efme7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> String?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frayed knot.


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