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Internet Oracularities #1034

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1034, 1034-01, 1034-02, 1034-03, 1034-04, 1034-05, 1034-06, 1034-07, 1034-08, 1034-09, 1034-10


Internet Oracularities #1034    (88 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1034
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1034  88 votes gxoc3 dqsg5 5sDa6 5nwl7 3jzkb 8vtg4 mxg98 cvpd7 2mut5 3hsnh
1034  2.9 mean  2.5   2.7   2.8   3.0   3.2   2.7   2.4   2.7   3.1   3.4


1034-01    (gxoc3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHORUS
}     Don't it always seem to go
}     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone
}     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot)
}
} They took all the words, put 'em in a word museum
} And they Digested the best, put 'em on-line so you can see 'em
}
} CHORUS
}     Don't it always seem to go
}     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone
}     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot)
}
} Hey supplicant, put away that I.B.M. now
} Give me Oracular wisdom but leave the null question, please
} Please
}
} CHORUS
}     Don't it always seem to go
}     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone
}     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot)
}
} "You've got mail" I heard the program say
} And a big empty question ruined my whole day
}
} CHORUS (x2)
}     Don't it always seem to go
}     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone
}     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot)
}
} You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}     (Choo    zot zot zot zot)
} You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot.
}
} ~~~
} You owe the Oracle a dollar and a half...


1034-02    (dqsg5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dentally perfect Oracle, whose teeth only need brushing once a year,
> yet stay pearly white, who knows everything there is to know about
> everything, how do they make toothpaste come out of the tube striped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Segregation!  STOP DENTAL APARTHEID NOW!


1034-03    (5sDa6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings Wise Oracle! You are wonderful on a summer day, and cold
> winter night and all the times in between.
>
> How can one tell if a melon is ripe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thump.  Sniff.  Poke the little stem end to see if it gives.
}
} Or do what the Oracle does and drop it on the floor.  If it looks ripe
} inside, it probably is.  Repeat as necessary until you get the perfect
} melon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a particularly obsequious priest to clean up the
} mess.


1034-04    (5nwl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,you are the key to the secrets of the universe,
>
>   Does the ouija board really allow you to talk to the dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} Not in and of itself, the board is just a tool.
}
} You need to first get a MoDead. Plug the MoDead into a free slot on the
} board, (consult the documentation that came with your board to make
} sure you get a MoDead that is compatible with your board.)
}
} Then you need to subscribe to an DSP (a Dead Summoning Provider). Make
} sure that it is one that it uses a GS (Ghosting System) you can
} communicate with in your language of choice. Connecting to the wrong
} ghost is almost more frustrating than not connecting to a ghost at all.
} It won't do to be talking to dead French Christians if you were looking
} for dead Cree-speaking Animalists now would it?
}
} If you have troubles there are many self-help books out there[1].
} Or you can buy ouijas all set up.
} Or best of all; invite the neighbor kid over to help you.
}
} You owe the Oracle Houdini's #.
}
} [1] "Conjuring for Dummies", by Thrall and De'Athly
}     "Raising Spirits in 10 Easy Steps", by Rob Graves (no relation)
}     "My First Book on Summoning", by Tom B. Stone
}     "You too Can Have a Familiar", by Kelly Tonnes
}     "Summoning in a NutsHell", by O'Deadly Associates.


1034-05    (3jzkb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle who knows both the instantaneous speed _and_ position
> of any given electron;
> I have heard of heard of a variety of atomic weapon that destroy
> populations without damaging property or terrain. What kind of
> weapon is this and how does it achieve this dastardly act?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   You're refering to the neutron bomb [0], a low-yield thermonuclear
}   explosive designed as an antipersonnel weapon that produces minimal
}   blast damage and radioactive fallout.
}
}   But neutron bombs are old hat.
}
}   Current thinking is that if you want to destroy populations without
}   damaging property or terrain give them unlimited cable access [1].
}   After one generation the population will be so over-weight and
}   brain-dead all you'll have to do is turn off the electricity for a
}   fortnight and they will die in droves.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a library card with your name on it.
}
}   [0] see "Enhanced-Radiation Weapons,' by Fred M. Kaplan; SCIENTIFIC
}       AMERICAN, May, 1978.
}   [1] see channels 1 through 9999


1034-06    (8vtg4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please except this hand woven pot-holder as an expression of
> admiration, approval and respect, Wise Oracle.
>
> Jack and I were thinking of going up the hill to get a pail of water,
> but, well, I have a vague uneasy feeling about this whole affair.
> Should I go up the hill with Jack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't do it.  Jack is up to his old tricks.  Worse, the only form of
} contraception he knows involves vinegar and brown paper.  Don't go
} there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crack-free crown.


1034-07    (mxg98 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Which was first LIFE or TIME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was The Watchtower.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription.


1034-08    (cvpd7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Impressive is the Oracle, he is proper and desired, and nothing at all
> like unswept painted pavement, nay, he is like a imposing elegant
> castle full of lavish arts and bright-colored paintings!
>
> Should I follow in my father's foot steps and be a bail-bondsman or
> follow my dreams to be Johnny Banana-seed wandering the world with my
> banjo singing and planting bananas everywhere I go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you it's best to follow your heart
} and take the road that leads to your dream. To be a simple bail-bondsman
} would not be befitting of someone such as yourself. (Besides, if you put
} a 33-word, commaless sentence on your resume, you'll NEVER get a job)
}
} By the power vested in me by the very nature of my being...
} I endow thee with the name of "Johnny Banana-seed"!
}
} Haunting, heavenly male choir:      Haunting, heavenly female choir:
} ---------------------------------   ------------------------------------
} He... is... Johnny...               Oh Johnny...      Johnny'O
} He... will be... Johnny...          Yes, Johnny, O'Johnny yes, yes, yes!
} Johnny! Ba! Na! Na! Seed!           He's bananas! Completely Ba-na-na-
}                                       na-nas!
}
} Ba!                                 Na!
} Ba!                                 Nana!
} Na na-na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na    Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba... na... na!
} Ba!                                 Na!
} Ba!                                 Nanana!
}
} Agnus dei, quid tolis pecata mundi  Miserere nobis. Miserere nobis.
} Dona, dona, dona  nobis             Nobis, nobis, nobis pacem
} Kyrie, Kyrie, Kryie eleison         Christe, Christe, Christe eleison
}
} Go forth dear supplicant, and shed thy glorious banjo-induced happiness
} throughout the earth!
}
} You owe the Oracle a dedication in you Opus #1.


1034-09    (2mut5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle whose knowledge is to that of all mankinds' like the Oort
> Cloud is to a teapot's steam.
>
> How does one develop a photographic memory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, once you've taken all the pictures your brain will hold, you have
} to remove it from its casing. Don't just open the skull, or you will
} expose the brain to light, and your pictures will be ruined! Instead,
} firmly stick your thumb in your bottom to unlock the spindle, then turn
} your nose anti-clockwise to roll up your brain until you feel no more
} resistance. Take a buzzsaw and open the skull at the top. Remove the
} rolled-up brain, put it in a black bowler hat, put a hubcap on top of
} it to keep the light out, and take it to your nearest
} photograph-developer. He'll take your brain and give you a ticket. You
} can usually pick up your developed pictures the next day. Some shops
} will give you a free brain when you pay for your pictures, so you can
} start snapping away again!
}
} You owe the Oracle a panoramic brain, for those wide shots of Lisa
} languishing on a temple bed.


1034-10    (3hsnh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is.... uhm, wise, and... beautiful, yeah, as...
> and who is as good as... well, a very good thing, I guess...
>
> Dammit, Oracle, I'm just not funny anymore! Look at what I just wrote!
> Diseased woodchucks with their intestines threaded through their ears
> could write a better grovel than that! And my questions.... <shudder>
> I can't bear to think about it. Would you believe that I was seriously
> contemplating asking you why donuts can't fly? As for my Incarnating,
> well, my pet rock has been digested more often than I have.
>
> It didn't use to be this way, Oracle. What's wrong with me? What's
> happening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Know thy self supplicant! Know thy self. . .consult the
} flow chart below and honestly tell yourself which path
} you are on. Where are you heading, Who are you? There
} lies the answer. . .
}
} =================================================================
}
}  The stages of the development of the average supplicant/incarnation
}
}                      has heard of The Oracle
}                                 |
}                     finds rec.humor.oracle
}                                 |
}          sends in a question, is baffled to get sent a question
}                            |
}  replies to 1st question<--+----> no reply to 1st question------+
}             |                                                   |
}             +-----------------------------+                     |
}  writes something lame       writes something funny             |
}             |                              |                    |
}  is proud<--+--> is ashamed                +--------------------+
}      |                |                                         |
}      |                +-----------------------------------------+
}      |                                                          |
}  gets juno/hotmail/aol/yahoo account                            |
}      |                                                          |
}   proceeds to queue draining              +---------------------+
}      |                                    |
}      |                             finds Oracle web site
}   starts writing lame questions           |
}      |                                    |
}      |         does not study archives<---+----> studies archives
}      |                  |                             |
}      |                  |        starts writing better questions/answers
}      |                  |                             |
}      +------------+-----+-----------------------------+
}                   |
} is having fun<----+-------> gets tired of Oracle ----> wanders off
}       |
}       +--->discovers rec.humor.oracle.d
}                         |
}     +-------------------+----------------------+
}     |                   |                      |
} loves rhod          bored w/rhod      is repulsed by rhod
}     |                   |                      |
} gets into in-jokes   misses in-jokes     hates in-jokes
}     |                   |                      |
}     +-------------------+----------------------+
}                         |
}    writing gets worse<--+---->writing gets better
}           |                           |
}  becomes lame incarnation             |
}     |                                 |
}     |    tolerates lame incarnations<-+->gets tired of lame incarnations
}     |                 |                               |
}     |                 |                          quits, moves on
}     |                 +-----------------+
}     |                                   |
}     |                    gets digested<-+->does not get digested
}     |                          |                 |
}     |                          +-- works harder--+
}     |                                  |
}     |                   gets digested<-+->does not get digested
}     |                          |                 |
}     |                     works harder          quits
}     |                          |
}     |     does not get a life<-+-> gets a life -----> quits
}     |                |
}     +-------+--------+
}             |
}     full-time incarnation/supplicant
}
} =================================================================
}
} You owe The Oracle a way to get thru to incarnations that if they
} are producing tons of answers they are on the lame incarnation path.
} *Quality*, not quantity team!


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